I just think that we'd get on.

November 16, 2009 10:09 PM

I haven't had a crush since I was 14 and now I have a HUGE one. I have never had to be the pursuer before, but now I think I need to be. AskMeFi, teach me to flirt and pursue while still keeping me cool!!

About a week or so ago, I was studying at a café near my school and I looked up and noticed a cute boy glancing at me. We made eye contact and smiled at each other almost, and I was instantly just…twitterpated. That night, I saw him in one of the dining halls at the university we both attend. I managed to muster all of my courage and go over to introduce myself to him and his friends. They were quite friendly, and I ended up sitting and eating with them. After dinner, we all walked over to the Cute Boy's apartment and hung out awhile. The Cute Boy showed me his music and book collections, and well...let me just say that he listens to all the right music and has all the right books. Plus, he is nerdy and charming and just plain adorable as hell. And...there was nothing I could do, my crush was cemented at that point. At the end of the evening, we all exchanged numbers and all the important social networking websites. I added him and all of his friends on all of these websites and sent him a private Facebook message letting him know upfront that I thought he was kind of great and that I’d like to get to know him better. He responded relatively positively. Since then, we’ve been poking each other on Facebook. When he sees me around, he calls me or runs over for brief chats. We seem to get along pretty well, but I'm unsure of how I am supposed to proceed from here.

I literally haven't had a crush like this since I was 14. All of my relationships have been built on long-term friendships or on a guy pronouncing his interest and asking me out from the very beginning. I've never really asked anyone out. I'm totally smitten for the first time since I was a teenager and it's totally making me act irrationally.

I don't remember crushes being like this. For some reason, I'm nervous around him and that means I put my foot in my mouth kind of a lot. Also, in the hopes of not seeming too obvious, I have been trying to keep busy and avoid spending time obsessing over this. However, suddenly I am noticing that he is everywhere...this means things get kind of awkward. When I see him, I blush and act a little shy and sheepish. That is so not me. I also don't want to be THAT obvious. He's always kind and interesting and responds positively to communication and seems interested in hanging out. But I don't want to put him off, or seem desperate or weird. I mean, it's not like I'm coming at this from the perspective of, "I am in love you with and I think we should marry and I already have the names of our three future children and Jack Russel terrier picked out." I want to make that clear to him in some way. I just know I really want to get to know him. I find myself needing to know MORE about this mysterious, hot person. I definitely want to see where things go (either friendship or dating would be cool, but I don't care either way...I just know I definitely want MORE of him in my life). I know to do that, I need to spend more time talking to him. And I'd like it if I was able to find a clever way to get him alone and talk to him in a non-formal, non-datelike atmosphere (maybe I'll ask him out on a real date later, but we just met a week ago, so I would rather orchestrate a much more casual situation with just the two of us hanging out). I have no idea how to accomplish this.

So, my question is: How do I get this guy alone? Also, how do I flirt when I am so nervous that I can't even touch him on the arm or shoulder? Does anyone have tips on calming down and handling conversation when you like someone SO MUCH that they make you nervous and shy and giggly? I think he's interested in me, at least in a 'let's-hang-out-as-friends' sense. I think he might even be flirting back. Are there ways to tell if he's interested? What do I do? Any advice at all would be greatly appreciated. Sorry if this question is all over the place and weird, I honestly haven't felt this way in at least ten years.

posted by SkylitDrawl to Human Relations (18 answers total)

Are you a woman?

Guys like it when women are plain and direct. "Let's hang out", "I like you," etc. We appreciate the forwardness and you making it easy on us.

If he's into you, he'll get your signals and play along.

Get too thinky, play too many games, and you're likelier to fumble this.
posted by meadowlark lime at 10:14 PM on November 16, 2009

Yep. I'm a chick. And we're all in our mid-twenties.
posted by SkylitDrawl at 10:14 PM on November 16, 2009

First, take some deep breaths. Second, next time you see him, ask him to do something one-on-one. Maybe watch a movie one of you likes that the other hasn't seen. Or ask him to lunch or something. If he seems to like you even as just a friend, he'll probably say yes. Then see how things go from there.
posted by MadamM at 10:15 PM on November 16, 2009

Nursing a crush on a friend in the long term really blows, so what you should do is ask him to "watch a movie" or other activity with you. Make it relatively clear that he isn't to bring any friends: a simple "I only have enough for two, so don't bring anyone else along." I assume you know what to do from there. If he rejects you, tough break, but at least you won't have to sit around wondering. And remember that "in the end one loves one's desire and not the thing desired." Good luck!
posted by Electrius at 10:16 PM on November 16, 2009

Nthing movie, cuddle up on the couch and see what happens! Don't play it too cool, or he'll think you are not interested. But from what you describe, sounds like he likes you too!
posted by zia at 10:39 PM on November 16, 2009

Yep, as everyone else said, just plan an easy, noncommittal activity for two, make it clear that it's not a group event, and invite him. Could be anything ... concert, lecture, running, movie, bookstore outing, LAN party, furry festival, druid worship, bikram yoga, a Sanrio sale, cycle riding - just make sure the outing includes some seclusion at the end for a kiss or makeout session if things go well.

As far as not being nervous, if you can be direct, the shyness will be cute It's only a problem if shyness and insecurity send mixed signals to the guy.
posted by benzenedream at 10:42 PM on November 16, 2009

This is nature's way of getting you pregnant. So picture him at 40 sitting on the couch with the remote in one hand and a beer in the other while you look after the kids.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 11:00 PM on November 16, 2009

Yeah, definitely give it a go already. If he's just this side of nerdy, he might not quite think he should summon the courage yet, without getting a more firm sign. You can give him that, or you can go out and ask yourself. I guarantee any guy expressing some level of interest in his right mind should be able to stammer out a yes in response to "hey, want to watch a movie/grab a cookie/hit up hookah/have lots of sex" from cute-girl-he's-been-flirting with.

That being said, if he reads all the right books, what makes you think he doesn't read all the right websites...? ;-)
posted by disillusioned at 11:02 PM on November 16, 2009

Just ask him out. It isn't as hard as you think. He's scared of you. Had you in the pad looking at the books and CDs, but no move. Yep, scared.

Worst case its no. Turns out that stuff passes like the wind if you ask out early. Waiting makes it harder.
posted by Ironmouth at 11:11 PM on November 16, 2009

just get hime alone and pounce on him
posted by mary8nne at 2:38 AM on November 17, 2009

Ask him out! Just ask him out! Do it in person and suggest anything at all that you think he'd be interested in; a museum visit, a day in the park, a movie, a lunch, a band you both might like is playing at X venue the 19th "I got tickets, wanna go with me?", or a dinner. This way you'll hang, you've sent the signal you like to hang with him (alone) and you can both take it from there.

This is harder than it sounds when under the spell of a deep crush of course.
posted by dabitch at 2:38 AM on November 17, 2009

Wow, he sounds like a lucky guy.

Just go get coffee or do something neutral if you want to start slow, maybe a movie or meal out for a bigger step and then if these go well its dinner at your place.
posted by caddis at 4:09 AM on November 17, 2009

Nth starting small. Do something very low-key. It's always best to start as friends. If that comes with lots of nice emotions, so much the better! Don't make things tangled by rushing into anything.
posted by KMH at 5:27 AM on November 17, 2009

The secret to successfully escalating a relationship is light physical contact. Humans really like to be touched, both men and women. The key is to always maintain plausible deniability (Oh, what was my hand doing there? I don't know hee hee) and leave the other person an out to pull away if they ever feel uncomfortable, but it's the best way to get a relationship from 'PG' rated to 'R'. (This can be a good mantra to repeat to yourself if you get nervous or scared: 'Think R Rated, not Disney') Obviously this is only going to work if both sides are attracted to each other but somehow scared to make the first move; starting easy, and escalating over time will get you to where you want to be, cuddled in the arms of that hip nerdy boy.

It usually goes something like this, in order of intensity:

Light touching of arms
Upper Arm/shoulders
Back
Lower Back
Hugging
Arms around
Buttocks
Thighs
( Usually first kiss happens here or a bit before. )
Lips
Neck
Face/hair
Inner thighs
...
(If you've got this far and aren't bangin' something else is holding you guys back)

I know that sounds a bit clinical but honestly if both people are attracted to each other this is a pretty good roadmap.

So, the next time you guys are hanging out or whatever, and he says something really funny or shocking, reach out and touch his arm with a "NO! you didn't" expression.
posted by spatula at 10:08 AM on November 17, 2009

Everyone else has already suggested what I think is correct, which is "just ask him" so I'll abstain on that front, but getting up the courage to overcome the crush and actually do the asking can be tough.

I find what works best for me when dealing with this kind of thing is to use the taking off the band-aid approach and just go for the quick rip. Don't overthink it, don't try to figure out what you are going to say in advance, have an idea of what activity you'd like to invite him to and just do it.

I learned this because when I spend too much time laying out what I'm going to say, I'll flub a word and get all flustered making everything worse all at once. Now I don't bother; You know you want to go to a movie, you want him to go with you. Make those two points connect with as few complicated words as possible.

The best invitation I can remember from a girl was just "So hey, wanna catch a movie with me later?"

As for the giggling and nervous crushing and such, if it's combined with directness, most guys will eat it up.
posted by quin at 1:28 PM on November 17, 2009

So he invited you to his apartment, showed you his books and music, gave you his numbers and online contact info, is maintaining contact online and goes out of his way to talk to you in person.

I'm unsure of how I am supposed to proceed from here.

Oh my GOD you kids, just ask him out already.
posted by nanojath at 1:39 PM on November 17, 2009

If the thought of asking him out in person is way too intimidating, you can do it on Facebook. To compensate for the relatively impersonal nature of the ask, make sure that it's clear you want this to be a one-on-one with him, and that the situation foster romantic or intimate interaction.

Or, if you're completely flummoxed, maybe one of his friends can help with a gentle nudge.
posted by mikewas at 2:19 PM on November 17, 2009

For crying out loud, you're in university! There are so, so many opportunities in university for two people to casually hang out together without it being an awkward and formal date. Post a message on his Facebook wall with a cute but casual invite to have lunch/ dinner at X dining hall, something along the lines of, "Hey you! Let's catch up! How about lunch on X day at X place?" Or an invite to have coffee. Think of it as "friendates", where you meet each other with the purpose of getting to know each other better, be it as friends or something more than that.

And I know you said that you don't want to do group activities, but the best way (in my opinion) to hang out with someone in casual but fun ways is to get a group of friends to go out, and invite said crush along. Bars and parties are excellent, as people generally move around, so you'll have the opportunity to talk to him exclusively and in a group. And if he's interested in you as well, it should be clear, as you both will seek opportunities to talk to you, linger around each other longer than platonic friends would, and somehow end up in your/ his place at the end of the night. And if he's not interested in you romantically, hanging out as friends would make the transition to friendship a lot easier and natural.

Getting to know a crush better doesn't have to be formal, clearly-defined dates, where two people are there for a specific purpose.
posted by moiraine at 12:13 PM on November 18, 2009