Why is this "straight" guy so fond of me?
August 16, 2014 10:31 AM Subscribe
I have an overly close friendship with a straight guy, which is turning into a marriage in every way except sex. What could be going through his mind? Why is this "straight" guy so fond of me? More below.
posted by Kwadeng to Human Relations (39 answers total) 13 users marked this as a favorite
I am a single bisexual guy and earlier this year, I befriended a straight married guy. We used to work in the same office building years ago so we usually nodded to each other when we met, every now and then, but that was pretty much the extent of our “relationship”. I always thought he was cute and he had a way of gazing at me that made me think maybe he thought the same about me. Then at the beginning of this year, I met him on a flight and I initiated the contact. We exchanged numbers, and I sent a first email. What were occasional and perfunctory emails at the beginning gradually grew into long messages, and within months we had become close friends. So close in fact that I fell in love with him, even though I’m not out to him on the “bi” thing as I’m worried about how he might react. He knows I’ve dated women in the past but it’s not an issue we discuss often. But this is not really the point. I know better than telling him that I fancy him and I am happy enough with just the platonic friendship.
My problem is that the relationship has grown so close that sometimes I almost gasp for air. He is very much a family person, and I am probably the first non-family member to ever enter his house. He has no other friend but me. We see each other every single day, spend most of our lunch breaks together during the work week and have spent many a weekend together, either just the 2 of us or with his family. Sometimes at the end of the workday, I would drive to his workplace, we would sit in the park and talk for two hours before going home. And most of the time, I have to remind him that he has a family and it’s time for him to leave. Once at home, he’d call me again to know if I’ve eaten already or what I’m watching on TV. We speak / text / email each other 10 times a day. At times, he calls me around 9 or 10 in the morning, angry that he hasn’t heard from me earlier. He is very protective and once told me that I should run all my major life decisions by him (business, investment, et al). He is jealous of my friends, of which I have many, and doesn’t like the idea that I have other friends but him. He recently had to go abroad on a business trip for a week and it was the first time in several months that we were going to be away from each other. He came round to my office the day before his trip and our “goodbye” was almost tearful. I told him I’d miss him and he said to me “like my father once told a friend, if you were a woman, I’d have made a pass at you”. It came as such a surprise that I was left speechless. And of course, he called me every day during his trip abroad. I am currently on a business trip out of town and he told me before I left that he’d have loved to be here with me.
This friendship has developed into a marriage in almost every aspect but the sex. Yet, my friend absolutely does not give off any “gay vibe” (and God, have I looked for signs!) and he has made homophobic comments on occasion. Obviously I like the attention and truly enjoy his company. But I increasingly feel that it is not a very healthy relationship for me, as it is preventing me from seeing anyone else. And since he is really not someone who verbalizes his feelings / emotions, there would be no point in asking him directly why he likes me. I started to put some distance (not returning his calls immediately, waiting up to a day before responding to his emails, not seeing him for an entire weekend), and he started sulking because I was neglecting him. Which sucked me right back into intimate mode. Something in me believes he is a deeply closeted gay/bisexual guy who is yet to acknowledge his inner feeling / sexuality and is in love with me. Another part thinks this is wishful thinking and he is just a needy person. I’m not even looking at having an affair with him, but I wish our true feelings could be in the open.
My main question is this: what could I possibly be to this guy that he wants me so badly in his life? What could be going through his mind? I can’t seem to think clearly when it comes to him and I could use some perspective. Ultimately, I’d like the friendship to be a bit healthier.