So I Guess He Wasn't Into Me?

September 23, 2009 6:05 PM

Is He Just Not That Into Me: Part Deux

Hey guys!

So I have a little update about the situation I shared last week here. I'd love to hear your thoughts. I'm going to re-post a portion of the back story from last week for anyone who didn't get a chance to read it.

So there's this guy I'm cybercrushing on ... He's a model who's moving to the city I live in three months. There are four of us on this social networking website who have bonded and I've met the other two in person. Three weeks ago, one of them posted a video of him, me, and another dude about some random stuff. We all have photos posted of ourselves on this social networking website so it's no mystery to the guy I have a crush on what I look like. But in the video I had a voice and personality. He sent me a message saying, "You are really handsome ... more than you let on. Just saw the video. Very handsome indeed!" Later we were chatting about gay dating and ethnicity. I was saying that since I'm not white (I'm South Asian) a lot of people can't really figure out where I'm from and probably aren't into darker skinned guys like me. He said, "I like 'em swarthy :)" So I thought maybe he's flirting with me. But before that he was saying that he has a type. There are exceptions but his type is a white guy in his mid-30s with dark hair. And I obviously don't fit that description. Last week, I asked whether he's really just not into me because I'm not his type physically. Most of you said it's impossible to know right now so just keep flirting and see what happens.

Well ... we chatted a couple of times online this past weekend. He was asking me what's the best neighborhood to live in once he moves here and where he could work part-time before getting into modeling. The second time we chatted we went back and forth for two hours. He said I was a shining example of a gay man, asked me loads of questions about my cultural and ethnic background (when I felt like I was rambling he said "I'm 10000% interested"), said he was sorry that in one online discussion forum he judged me too quickly (because back then he didn't know me as well), told me my name sounds beautiful, and when we were signing off he said "Good night, panda!" (yes, I cringed too, but I guess it was cute :)

But last night on this same social networking/discussion website we were talking about some random issue. This guy in my city started asking him when he was moving here and said "You're cute." My crush sort of blew the guy off on that public thread with a "Thanks. But I promise you. I'm not that great." Then somehow the city I live in came up in discussion on the thread and he said, "I'll be museuming, concerting, going to the park, conquering the city! CScott, can't wait for you to join me, buddy." My stomach buckled ... buddy? Four days after showering me with compliments and after personally messaging me to tell me I'm really handsome, now I'm in the friend zone?

Okay so I know this is an overanalysisfest. Forgive me. I WAS thinking ... maybe this guy likes me ... I mean he's told me he thinks I'm very attractive, says I'm a shining example of a gay man, says goodbye in what seemed like a somewhat affectionate tone (but maybe he's just weird), says he's "10000% interested!" in learning about my cultural background ... And now I'm his buddy. Okay okay ... this is ridiculous because I haven't even met him in person yet and I'm already trying to figure out EXACTLY what he's thinking/feeling. But all I want to know is if this is an obvious "let's just stay friends" situation so that I don't waste any time thinking there's potential when he gets here. ::Sigh:: Hard to figure shit out online. Curse the blasted internet! ::he writes as he finishes typing his Metafilter question:: ;)

posted by cscott to human relations (31 comments total)

Seems to me you're overthinking a single word -- 'buddy'. Relax, take a deep breath, and just let things take their course whenever he comes to Yourtown, USA(?).
posted by axiom at 6:22 PM on September 23

It seems to me to be an obvious "I'm-kinda-interested-in-you-and-I-kinda-only-want-to-be-friends-because-I'm-moving-to-a-new-city-in-3-months-and-I-don't-know-what-will-happen-when-I-get-there" situation.

You already know you are over-thinking this. You could ask him directly, but he may not even know what to tell you. When you meet in person, it´ll be a lot easier to find out.
posted by Locochona at 6:24 PM on September 23

He's not telling you that you're his buddy and nothing more. He's telling the rest of that board full of men (who are all his other options in case it turns out you hate him) that he's not dating you yet. And you're not. Yet. It's been less than a month, you've got three months to figure things out before he arrives. It's too early to plan that kind of stuff.

He flirted with you like crazy, tells a board full of people he's looking forward to seeing you, and does not profess in public that he's crazy about you but hasn't told you yet? Gosh, sucks to be you.
posted by aimedwander at 6:27 PM on September 23

He shortened 'fuck buddy' to 'buddy," which means he's interested.
posted by torquemaniac at 6:27 PM on September 23

Read the following exchange. Imagine you're not one of the dudes.

Dude: "When are you moving to the city? You're cute."
Crush: "Thanks, but I promise you, I'm not that great. But I can't wait to start museuming, concerting, going to the park, conquering the city! Cscott, can't wait for you to join me!"

If he leaves off the "buddy" there, it could possibly send a message that there is something definite between you and Crush. There isn't anything definite.

Which doesn't mean there isn't potential. Of course there is. But there might be potential between him and whoever else he is flirting with online.

Unless you come out and say "I am obsessed with knowing how you feel about me before we've even met. I need you to tell me right now if you think we are going to be boyfriend-boyfriend when you move to my city", he is never going to say anything that you will be able to use as proof one way or another that he does not want to have a romantic/sexual relationship with you.

Tape a sticky note to your computer that says "You can't tell until he gets here." Read it often, especially when you are chatting with him.
posted by 23skidoo at 6:34 PM on September 23 [1 favorite has favorites]

Seriously overthinking. You don't need to know how much he's into you in advance.

Hang out with him when you can, see what happens, and for god's sake RELAX.
posted by rokusan at 6:46 PM on September 23

"I'm 10000% interested"

Dude, take people at their word.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 6:47 PM on September 23

You know, I am imagining the alternate universe where YourCrush uses AskMe:
I told this guy I'm 1000% interested when I haven't even moved to his city yet! Will he think I'm a creepy over-attached dork? Should I back off and act like a friend so I don't seem over eager?"

Be patient. Sounds like there is potential.
posted by pointystick at 6:53 PM on September 23 [1 favorite has favorites]

Sorry for being all bitter cat woman here, but don't put all your eggs in one basket. It DOES sound like he is interested, but sometimes people aren't all they're cracked up to be when you get to know them IRL. I'd say follow up, but caveat emptor. It's hard to think someone is awesome then find out they're a jerk or boring or not living up to expectations. Good luck!
posted by ShadePlant at 6:56 PM on September 23

I'm sorry, buddy, but you've got three months until the next step, where you get drunk and make out. Until then, maybe try hooking up with some other dudes to keep your mind off him. I mean, don't tell him, and don't go turbo-slut, but jeez, you need to alleviate some of that crazy hormonal stew that your brain is broiling in before you get too much on him.
posted by klangklangston at 7:06 PM on September 23

cscott. Dude. You have posted a dozen AskMe questions, all of which boil down to I AM OBSESSIVELY OVERTHINKING THIS ROMANTIC SITUATION PLZ HELP ME OVERTHINK IT SOME MORE, INTERNETS!

Maybe you should, you know, switch to decaf or something? It's really just as tasty as the real thing.
posted by ook at 7:14 PM on September 23 [10 favorites has favorites]

By which I mean to say: stop trying to wring every scrap of meaning from every single word choice made by the guy you're interested in. Just... stop it. People aren't that careful about word choice most of the time. There is no secret code that everyone but you is fluent in, and you are not expected to divine peoples' intentions by parsing every subtle twitch of their eyebrows.

The way to find out what someone is thinking? Is to just bloody well ask them, already.
posted by ook at 7:28 PM on September 23 [2 favorites has favorites]

If you don't relax, you are going to fuck this up. And it sounds like you don't know how to relax, so you'd better learn fast.
posted by hermitosis at 7:52 PM on September 23 [5 favorites has favorites]

Why don't you have one part of yourself enjoy over thinking this and being all gooey and worked up about the possibilities, and then let the grown-up part of yourself take over when he arrives and just be cool and see how it pans out?
posted by Lesser Shrew at 7:55 PM on September 23

Also, to play of hermitosis, the best way to learn to relax is to fuck something up. So, y'know, while it'll totally suck now, your older self will look back on this and find valuable wisdom, no matter how it goes.

Finally, you may be well served by the words of gay icons Frankie Goes to Hollywood. I recommend listening to their Welcome to the Pleasuredome any time you start getting to het up about this, particularly the chart-topping single.
posted by klangklangston at 8:11 PM on September 23

There's so much potential here. I'm with hermitosis. Chill, meet the guy, see what happens. Be in the moment, and appreciate what's offered. Be willing to offer, too. It's a funny thing about smart, confident, attractive people - they're not much different from you. He has his own anxieties. Think just a bit beyond where you are and imagine what he feels: "is my cock too small?" "What if I have a bad day, and cscott asks me out that night?" If both of you are overthinking you will never have met - you will have traded anxieties.

Lack of expectations is a wonderful point of view in which to meet someone, especially one who has been 90% won over by your words and pictures. I bet you're there. Enjoy.
posted by jet_silver at 8:13 PM on September 23

I am a lady, and call my male partner "buddy" often, usually in a flirtatious way. I also call my cat "buddy" a lot of times (not his name), and often call other drivers on the freeway "buddy" as they do dangerous maneuvers that put others' lives in danger. The moral of my story is that 'buddy' means damn near nothing, so it's basically worthless to get stuck on it.
posted by so_gracefully at 8:44 PM on September 23

Look at it this way: think of how awkward it would be if the two of you met after three months of exchanging steamy e-mails... and just didn't click in person. The guy seems interested, but it also seems like he doesn't want to make promises he isn't sure he can keep, which is totally understandable. It's hard to express interest without being sure that you aren't stringing someone along in a purely on-line medium - dude's just trying to do the right thing until you guys can meet and figure out what's really there between you. This is a smart strategy, so chill; it'll happen if/when it happens. (Also: he is moving to a new city soon? This is a pretty big change for anyone, so it's little wonder he's non-committal and looking for someone to hang out with first and foremost. Doesn't mean he's totes uninterested, but cut the guy some slack if he doesn't immediately propose when the two of you meet.)
posted by ellehumour at 8:48 PM on September 23

now I'm in the friend zone?

You've never met him before -- where else are you supposed to be?
posted by Jaltcoh at 8:54 PM on September 23 [1 favorite has favorites]

Let's look at this another way. Why do you want to know EXAAAACTLYYYYY how he feels? EXACTLY what his definition of his feelings for you are?

Pretend that AskMefi unanimously decides that this guy is in love with you. So what? Are you going to fly to where he is? Are you going to end all your current relationship/attachments? Are you going to start tearing out pictures of your favorite wedding cakes or the gay-male equivalent?

Pretend that AskMefi unanimously decides that he hates you and/or only wants to be friends. Are you willing to be just friends with him or will you stop talking to him altogether? Will you go out and fuck the first guy you see? Will you start exploring your other options romantic-wise?

Determine whether and how your behavior would change with the answer to "how he feels about you." And think about whether it's reasonable. To me, the answer is irrelevant. Go on with your life, preferably permanently but at least for the next three months.

However, to be completely hypocritical, I'm going to weigh in on his feelings. So he's complimenting you all the time. Guys have said to me, and to girlfriends of mine, variations of "Wow you're so great/beautiful/smart/sweet, I don't understand why you don't have a boyfriend." Meanwhile, these are guys whom I'd like to be my boyfriend. These guys usually just want to sleep with me and nothing more. The non-commital compliments are just their way into my pants. It's usually not malicious or even conscious. So my feeling is that this is what he's doing right now. But obviously it could all change in either direction when you meet in person.
posted by thebazilist at 9:14 PM on September 23 [2 favorites has favorites]

I think he is into you. But, I also think that you need to focus less on him because (1) he's not even here yet! and (2) when moving to a new city he might want to explore more options than just you. That does not mean that he doesn't like you - of course he does - but I would say to be careful and not get attached before anything happens. If you guys do start dating and you do see him as someone who won't just want to meet guys in a new city, then you can start thinking more about everything he says.
posted by KateHasQuestions at 9:18 PM on September 23

Buddy is a good sign, he wants to get to know you, spend time with you, go to museums with you, leave your bedroom...he wants to know you as a person and a friend.

AND he thinks you're hot. THIS IS THE BEST OF BOTH WORLDS! This is where the friend zone and the sex zone overlap and after time and hard work, it turns into the fulfilling relationship zone.
posted by kathrineg at 9:28 PM on September 23

Alright I totally knew I was gonna get SLAMMED for this one because it IS a massively painful exercise in overthinking. And (believe it or not) I'm actually a pretty socially well-adjusted guy when it comes to making and having friends. But throw romance/sex/love in the equation and I turn into a total nervous wreck. Lack of experience? Personality disorder? Lack of self-esteem? I don't know.

Anyway ... it does make sense to wait until he gets here and see what does (or doesn't) develop. Thanks again, guys! And sorry for making you go through this!
posted by cscott at 9:36 PM on September 23

Thanks again, guys! And sorry for making you go through this!

No problem, buddy!

(Note how my use of the endearment completely fails to comment on my theoretical interest in sleeping with you!)
posted by hermitosis at 9:39 PM on September 23 [1 favorite has favorites]

Haha
posted by cscott at 9:40 PM on September 23

Have you ever considered the fact that YOU might end up not being into HIM??? He's moving to your city to become a model but it turns out he needs some sort of part-time job so perhaps the model thing is more of a pipe dream than a reality. He may turn out to be extremely vain and self-centred and a bit of a loser - I know that is unthinkable to you but I think you should keep in mind that it's certainly one of many possible outcomes. In other words, instead of obsessing about whether or not he likes you, at this stage you should be considering whether or not you like him in reality.

Anyway, another vote for "he likes you" but that doesn't mean he's madly in love and wants to spend his life with you. Slow down!
posted by hazyjane at 10:23 PM on September 23

Dude, also: Friend zone? That's bullshit made up to sell magazines and movie tickets. Only inchoate daters worry about it. Sometimes, as an adult, you get to totally bone your friends.
posted by klangklangston at 10:36 PM on September 23 [1 favorite has favorites]

Hazyjane, that's true. From what I gather, he's a relationship kinda guy. Even though he's in his mid-late-twenties like me, he's dated older white guys with dark hair in the past (between ages 30 and 45). That's his "power dating range." He said he was offered to model in another city he lived in but wasn't able to go through with it at the time. But you're right ... haven't met him and have no confirmation of anything he's saying. And I've noticed that he enjoys receiving compliments ... which isn't a bad thing, but seems weird to me because I'm the type to be like "Aww shucks, you're sweet, stop it."

So ya ... we'll see. Ugh, I need to go on dates more often. It's been a while. No wonder I'm sitting around thinking about this dude!
posted by cscott at 6:29 AM on September 24

Lack of self-esteem?

dingdingding

You don't really, deep down, believe you're attractive, so therefore no one else can, unless they're deluded, lying, want something from you, or blind. THIS is why you overanalyze everything when it comes to romance/sex. You're looking to validate the truth that you already believe - in the same way that people tend to interpret the Bible or the Constitution to mean basically whatever they want it to mean. The way to get past this is to become open to the possibility that maybe, just maybe, someone really likes you. It may not be this guy - we have no way of knowing - but someone will, because goddamnit, you're good enough and smart enough and cute enough.

Go through a day acting like you're the hottest shit on the planet. Take the day off. Get your hair done, get a new outfit, and strut your stuff. Don't try to pick anyone up necessarily, just walk around with your head held high. Flirt, if appropriate. (I have no idea how gay guys flirt in not-specifically-gay environments. Flirt with women if necessary.) I guaran-fucking-tee you this will help you relax about this situation.
posted by desjardins at 6:30 AM on September 24 [1 favorite has favorites]

Most everybuddy* gave you good answers last night but since I read this last night before bed, I thought I'd weigh in with my thoughts.

* see what I did there?

Yes, you're over-thinking but he probably didn't use the word "buddy" accidentally. However, it was not done necessarily to cool your jets. Put yourself in his shoes. He's moving to a new city where (unless i'm wrong) he doesn't know many/any people. He meets an interesting guy who he'd like to, at least, befriend. But if he comes on to hard or fliers too much, he enbarasses himself and loses this friend for nothing. But with the inclusion of one simple word, he manages to still strongly communicate that he's excited to see you (which is bold to when you haven't even met and what you should focus on) without jeopardizing this new relationship. What if you met somebody before he shows up and aren't on the market. If you guys were possibly "more than friends" before meeting, he'd be out in the cold.

On a personal note, I call my current boyfriend "buddy" and call my ex "buddy" so the word can be complicated and get you into trouble on other way too. Also a best friend who I met online started out as a buddy We had a ton in common and he was cute as hell. But we didn't get together until we had fucked it up beyond all possibility because even we both over thought it; reasons included:

1) I thought he was too cute for me.
2) My "type" was typically my age and older and bigger than me. He was younger, smooth and smaller, so despite him being cute, smart and my best friend, he thought I wouldn't be interested.
3) Before we met, he thought I was too cute for him and continued to think this after we'd hung out a few times.

Any of this sound familiar? Learn from my mistakes, be kind and be yourself (not assuming these are mutually exclusive but we can sometimes put up walls to protlect ourselves especially when dealing with those "beautiful people" we think are out of our league), and have fun. Learning these lessons led me to where I'm at now: in a relationship with a guy who's smart, cool, gorgeous, compatible with me sexually and emotionally, and who, remarkably, likes me for being myself. Let what happen happen; it's the only path to true long term relationship happiness.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 7:18 AM on September 24

(please excuse the misspellings and typos above -- commenting via iPhone is hard)
posted by MCMikeNamara at 7:21 AM on September 24