Help a secret smoker quit for good, and stop lying
July 14, 2009 9:16 AM Subscribe
Stopping an intermittent secret cigarette habit that I lie about to my wife.
How do I control my intermittent smoking problem, and how do I placate my wife who won't let me talk to her about it?
Longer explanation below.
I picked up a tobacco habit from smoking too much pot mixed with tobacco in my early 20s. Since then over the last 15 years, I've struggled to give it up the tobacco (I never ever smoke pot with tobacco these days, and only do that occasionally).
I'll quit cigarettes for weeks or months, or occasionally a year or two. And then I'll start again. For maybe a month or two, sometimes up to 6 months, and then stop. I don't get nicotine withdrawal symptoms as such, because I'm so used to not smoking, but under certain circumstances, I get a really powerful urge to smoke.
I'll describe what happens. I only smoke alone, never in company. Mostly I work alone. Some aspects of my job are simultaneously stressful and boring. At this time I get a very powerful urge to smoke, and I find it difficult not to be totally preoccupied with going and buying a packet of cigarettes, and smoking a couple. This is when I relapse. Often I'll then go and throw the packet away, maybe 50% of the time I'll retrieve it later on and smoke a couple more. Mostly the next day I'll buy another pack and maybe throw that away. Most smoking episodes like this last a couple of months, and I'm an expert at hiding the smell. I would never smoke more than a pack of 20 in a week at my peak smoking habit.
Periodically, once every couple of years, my wife of 10 years (plus three cohabiting, plus 1 going out) finds out I've lapsed, and it gets her upset and angry. Today she found an empty packet of smokes that I'd not got around to thowing out for a couple of months in my bag, along with a pack of nicotine chewing gum that I'd got to try to control the powerful preoccupation I described above. So she's very angry with me, I'm banished to the sofa to sleep and she tells me I'll have to work out some longer term sleeping arrangement. She's also making financial demands that she knows I can't cope with (we're both earners of a small but decent part time income at the moment). Previous discovery of relapse on my part has resulted in her delivering ultimatums, which is understandable if unhelpful to me. She paints a picture where I care about cigarettes more than I care about her - a false dichotomy in my opinion. She also doesn't want me to discuss the problem with her, and tells me that it's lack of discipline on my part causing the problems.
So I guess my question is in two parts. How do I control the intermittent smoking problem without changing jobs (not an option right now). And how do I deal with my wife's anger and resentment, and try to persuade her to pull back a bit on the ultimatums. The latter is going to be hard seeing as I'm such a serial offender.
I picked up a tobacco habit from smoking too much pot mixed with tobacco in my early 20s. Since then over the last 15 years, I've struggled to give it up the tobacco (I never ever smoke pot with tobacco these days, and only do that occasionally).
I'll quit cigarettes for weeks or months, or occasionally a year or two. And then I'll start again. For maybe a month or two, sometimes up to 6 months, and then stop. I don't get nicotine withdrawal symptoms as such, because I'm so used to not smoking, but under certain circumstances, I get a really powerful urge to smoke.
I'll describe what happens. I only smoke alone, never in company. Mostly I work alone. Some aspects of my job are simultaneously stressful and boring. At this time I get a very powerful urge to smoke, and I find it difficult not to be totally preoccupied with going and buying a packet of cigarettes, and smoking a couple. This is when I relapse. Often I'll then go and throw the packet away, maybe 50% of the time I'll retrieve it later on and smoke a couple more. Mostly the next day I'll buy another pack and maybe throw that away. Most smoking episodes like this last a couple of months, and I'm an expert at hiding the smell. I would never smoke more than a pack of 20 in a week at my peak smoking habit.
Periodically, once every couple of years, my wife of 10 years (plus three cohabiting, plus 1 going out) finds out I've lapsed, and it gets her upset and angry. Today she found an empty packet of smokes that I'd not got around to thowing out for a couple of months in my bag, along with a pack of nicotine chewing gum that I'd got to try to control the powerful preoccupation I described above. So she's very angry with me, I'm banished to the sofa to sleep and she tells me I'll have to work out some longer term sleeping arrangement. She's also making financial demands that she knows I can't cope with (we're both earners of a small but decent part time income at the moment). Previous discovery of relapse on my part has resulted in her delivering ultimatums, which is understandable if unhelpful to me. She paints a picture where I care about cigarettes more than I care about her - a false dichotomy in my opinion. She also doesn't want me to discuss the problem with her, and tells me that it's lack of discipline on my part causing the problems.
So I guess my question is in two parts. How do I control the intermittent smoking problem without changing jobs (not an option right now). And how do I deal with my wife's anger and resentment, and try to persuade her to pull back a bit on the ultimatums. The latter is going to be hard seeing as I'm such a serial offender.
This is the troubling part: I'm banished to the sofa to sleep and she tells me I'll have to work out some longer term sleeping arrangement. She's also making financial demands that she knows I can't cope with (we're both earners of a small but decent part time income at the moment). Previous discovery of relapse on my part has resulted in her delivering ultimatums, which is understandable if unhelpful to me. She paints a picture where I care about cigarettes more than I care about her - a false dichotomy in my opinion. She also doesn't want me to discuss the problem with her, and tells me that it's lack of discipline on my part causing the problems.
She's painting a picture where she cares more about you-not-smoking than she actually cares about you, the person. I have been a smoker for ten years, smoke-free for a few months here, six months there: quitting smoking or trying to quit smoking is the hardest thing I've ever done. I have chosen cigarettes over food. I smoke knowing that I hate the way it makes me feel and I smoke knowing that it will probably kill me.
The one thing that has been consistent, though, in my almost-successful attempts to quit, is that I did not have someone nagging me to quit. Because that doesn't work. It's actually counterproductive. And I think that if you want to really solve this problem, it's not about smoking. It's about you being able to stand up to your wife and tell her "we need to talk about my addiction and how we can control and defeat it together, as a team. Becase I need your help - not your anger or punishment or denial - I need your help." Most states have smoking cessation programs that can help you, and there are hundreds of books on the topic. Read them together, discuss it, work on it. Because you shouldn't go this alone.
And if she's unwilling to help you in any way, if she refuses to talk about it, I think you have bigger issues than even smoking. Good luck.
posted by Optimus Chyme at 9:32 AM on July 14, 2009 [7 favorites]
She's painting a picture where she cares more about you-not-smoking than she actually cares about you, the person. I have been a smoker for ten years, smoke-free for a few months here, six months there: quitting smoking or trying to quit smoking is the hardest thing I've ever done. I have chosen cigarettes over food. I smoke knowing that I hate the way it makes me feel and I smoke knowing that it will probably kill me.
The one thing that has been consistent, though, in my almost-successful attempts to quit, is that I did not have someone nagging me to quit. Because that doesn't work. It's actually counterproductive. And I think that if you want to really solve this problem, it's not about smoking. It's about you being able to stand up to your wife and tell her "we need to talk about my addiction and how we can control and defeat it together, as a team. Becase I need your help - not your anger or punishment or denial - I need your help." Most states have smoking cessation programs that can help you, and there are hundreds of books on the topic. Read them together, discuss it, work on it. Because you shouldn't go this alone.
And if she's unwilling to help you in any way, if she refuses to talk about it, I think you have bigger issues than even smoking. Good luck.
posted by Optimus Chyme at 9:32 AM on July 14, 2009 [7 favorites]
When I'm stressed up to my eyeballs I tend to get on my husband's case about his smoking, or rather his constant restarting to smoke. It gets under my skin when I'm already in that panicky wound up state, and is a good target if I can't/don't want to focus on the real worry. Given you mention financial issues, is she extremely worried about money and lashing out because of that? Can you help resolve those issues?
posted by jamesonandwater at 9:34 AM on July 14, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by jamesonandwater at 9:34 AM on July 14, 2009 [1 favorite]
If ever there was a post that was a poster child for couples therapy this is it. She's not mad about the smoking. She's mad about the lying -- or something else entirely. But there isn't any way to know what without her talking and it sounds at this point like she's not going to talk to you directly about it.
posted by anastasiav at 9:36 AM on July 14, 2009 [2 favorites]
posted by anastasiav at 9:36 AM on July 14, 2009 [2 favorites]
Help quitting smoking: Many states have quit lines that offer support by trained counselors as well as free nicotine patches. Here is a resource to help you find one that services your area.
About your wife: You smoking has nothing to do with her. You are aware it really bothers her, but her shaming you and giving you ultimatums will not help you quit. You should tell her this and ask her to treat you with more respect especially given that you are doing your best and looking for solutions.
posted by Kimberly at 9:37 AM on July 14, 2009
About your wife: You smoking has nothing to do with her. You are aware it really bothers her, but her shaming you and giving you ultimatums will not help you quit. You should tell her this and ask her to treat you with more respect especially given that you are doing your best and looking for solutions.
posted by Kimberly at 9:37 AM on July 14, 2009
I have a similar problem. Just like you, I find I only want to go out for a smoke when I'm either really stressed out or really bored. One thing that has worked for me is to go do something relaxing for a bit, like go to swimming or play a bit of xbox.
As for your wife, I guess I can see how trying to quit for 10 years and failing is making her upset. Maybe she thinks you aren't really serious about it. I dont know what to suggest. Best of luck.
posted by aeighty at 9:43 AM on July 14, 2009
As for your wife, I guess I can see how trying to quit for 10 years and failing is making her upset. Maybe she thinks you aren't really serious about it. I dont know what to suggest. Best of luck.
posted by aeighty at 9:43 AM on July 14, 2009
You may have a smoking addiction, but you also have a marriage problem. The problem is not the smoking, it's the way you and your wife communicate. Ultimatums, banishment from the marital bed, threats, and demands are not signs of a healthy marriage. My advice is to concentrate on that problem, first by bringing it up with her.
posted by Houstonian at 9:58 AM on July 14, 2009 [3 favorites]
posted by Houstonian at 9:58 AM on July 14, 2009 [3 favorites]
I was going to start talking about how your trigger to begin smoking, like mine, is stress. But...
It sounds like your wife is a bigger problem than your smoking habit. Smoking, like any other addiction, is the type of thing that is best solved with support. Your wife should be giving you a disappointed look, and telling you how much she disapproves of your way of coping with stress; she should be telling you that she wants you to be around/alive as long as possible, and your health -- which is compromised by smoking -- is key to that objective. She should not be giving you ultimatums, and should not be telling you that you are going to sleep on the couch for the foreseeable future. That is not how someone who loves you is supposed to act. Tell her that she has failed in her duty to help you, since you need her support to kick this habit. She can't support you if you're not allowed to talk about it.
Ideally, if you're really serious about quitting, and if you have a supportive wife, you would call her when you have an undeniable craving; just talking on the phone for a few minutes while the craving passes would be enough to help you cope. Then when you get home, you could tell your wife how you didn't have any cigarettes today (and it's been five days!), and she could tell you how proud she is of you. You would also have the objective of not letting down the person in your life that has your best interests in mind.
To summarize: Fix your wife's attitude first -- you need her support to quit.
posted by Simon Barclay at 9:59 AM on July 14, 2009
It sounds like your wife is a bigger problem than your smoking habit. Smoking, like any other addiction, is the type of thing that is best solved with support. Your wife should be giving you a disappointed look, and telling you how much she disapproves of your way of coping with stress; she should be telling you that she wants you to be around/alive as long as possible, and your health -- which is compromised by smoking -- is key to that objective. She should not be giving you ultimatums, and should not be telling you that you are going to sleep on the couch for the foreseeable future. That is not how someone who loves you is supposed to act. Tell her that she has failed in her duty to help you, since you need her support to kick this habit. She can't support you if you're not allowed to talk about it.
Ideally, if you're really serious about quitting, and if you have a supportive wife, you would call her when you have an undeniable craving; just talking on the phone for a few minutes while the craving passes would be enough to help you cope. Then when you get home, you could tell your wife how you didn't have any cigarettes today (and it's been five days!), and she could tell you how proud she is of you. You would also have the objective of not letting down the person in your life that has your best interests in mind.
To summarize: Fix your wife's attitude first -- you need her support to quit.
posted by Simon Barclay at 9:59 AM on July 14, 2009
Hoo boy.
My father smokes. I'm visiting my folks, and Mom and I HATE the fact that he smokes. He's had three kinds of cancer from smoking and he smokes. I hate it, and will never touch tobacco as long as I exist, and have a certain disdain for smokers (i.e. I think less of them for smoking, and refuse to ever date a smoker).
You're going to have to produce your own motivation to quit, and you're just going to have to do something else when the urge strikes. Chew on something. Use nicotine gum and gradually scale down. Remind yourself of the crap that cigarettes contain. Did you know that in addition to rat poison and tar and the 234534264362345 other harmful ingredients they contain, they contain radioactive material? SERIOUSLY. You're doing serious radiation damage to your body every time you puff that builds up over decades!
There are hotlines, there are groups, etc.
See if you can get her to talk with, I don't know, your family doctor or a therapist to help her understand why it is so hard for people to quit smoking. It produces a physiological and psychological addiction to nicotine. Nicotine interferes with the stress response; that is why it's so addictive. It dulls your sense of stress and makes you feel better. It attaches to acetylcholine receptors and increases the levels of dopamine in your brain .
posted by kldickson at 10:05 AM on July 14, 2009 [1 favorite]
My father smokes. I'm visiting my folks, and Mom and I HATE the fact that he smokes. He's had three kinds of cancer from smoking and he smokes. I hate it, and will never touch tobacco as long as I exist, and have a certain disdain for smokers (i.e. I think less of them for smoking, and refuse to ever date a smoker).
You're going to have to produce your own motivation to quit, and you're just going to have to do something else when the urge strikes. Chew on something. Use nicotine gum and gradually scale down. Remind yourself of the crap that cigarettes contain. Did you know that in addition to rat poison and tar and the 234534264362345 other harmful ingredients they contain, they contain radioactive material? SERIOUSLY. You're doing serious radiation damage to your body every time you puff that builds up over decades!
There are hotlines, there are groups, etc.
See if you can get her to talk with, I don't know, your family doctor or a therapist to help her understand why it is so hard for people to quit smoking. It produces a physiological and psychological addiction to nicotine. Nicotine interferes with the stress response; that is why it's so addictive. It dulls your sense of stress and makes you feel better. It attaches to acetylcholine receptors and increases the levels of dopamine in your brain .
posted by kldickson at 10:05 AM on July 14, 2009 [1 favorite]
I was also a secret smoker. for years.
First of all, investigate e-cigarettes. There are a number of brands out there. When I moved into a non-smoking environment, it helped me quit altogether! I don't even use the e-cigarette unless I really really feel like it. Once you get used to it (5 to 10 puffs?) you really don't miss cigarettes because they make you feel crap afterwards, and the e-cig generally does not. You def puff less than with tobacco, too.
With respect, I disagree with munchbunch that your wife is "drama" and has "emotional instability."
I can think of a hundred good reasons (early death of a loved one from smoking, bad experiences with addiction, etc.) that would send your wife off the deep end here. And really, while her take on the issue (you love smoking more than you love her) isn't accurate... she has a point. I'm sure you realize this....but for the folks who might not have thought this through.... Smoking is expensive initially, and it is very unhealthy, not to mention extremely unpleasant for non-smokers to be around. If you smoke without your life partner's consent, it is a betrayal of sorts. Anonymous, I think you get all this, yes?
So. What to do about your wife?
I think you promise to quit smoking - and DO IT.
(gums and patches never helped me because it isn't nicotine I crave, it is the physical habit. You, too? Then get an E-cigarette for work and those times you absolutely can not stop obsessing about taking a few puffs. BE WARNED - If your wife doesn't understand the smoking, she prolly won't understand the e-cig. But you seem to be addicted to secret smoking, so I'm providing an option.)
When the wife is that angry there is only one thing to do. Acknowledge her position thoroughly, accept that she sees the smoking as a violation of your bond, tell her genuinely that you didn't mean it that way - but that she is RIGHT to be as upset & concerned as she is. Wash. Rinse. Repeat.
Smoking sucks. She knows it. You know it.
Your wife has a zero-tolerance stance on a subject that, well, it is hard to defend smoking. I think if you totally acknowledge in original and FROM YOUR HEART language how you NOW see that your secret smoking hurts both of you in multiple and serious ways... she'll totally back down.
(The added bonus? You may end up really quitting without crutches just because you verbalized how truly detrimental the whole business can be. Ya never know;)
You wife's ultimatum was devised to get your attention on this very serious matter. Show her she has your attention, and the rest should work itself out.
-J.
posted by jbenben at 10:07 AM on July 14, 2009
First of all, investigate e-cigarettes. There are a number of brands out there. When I moved into a non-smoking environment, it helped me quit altogether! I don't even use the e-cigarette unless I really really feel like it. Once you get used to it (5 to 10 puffs?) you really don't miss cigarettes because they make you feel crap afterwards, and the e-cig generally does not. You def puff less than with tobacco, too.
With respect, I disagree with munchbunch that your wife is "drama" and has "emotional instability."
I can think of a hundred good reasons (early death of a loved one from smoking, bad experiences with addiction, etc.) that would send your wife off the deep end here. And really, while her take on the issue (you love smoking more than you love her) isn't accurate... she has a point. I'm sure you realize this....but for the folks who might not have thought this through.... Smoking is expensive initially, and it is very unhealthy, not to mention extremely unpleasant for non-smokers to be around. If you smoke without your life partner's consent, it is a betrayal of sorts. Anonymous, I think you get all this, yes?
So. What to do about your wife?
I think you promise to quit smoking - and DO IT.
(gums and patches never helped me because it isn't nicotine I crave, it is the physical habit. You, too? Then get an E-cigarette for work and those times you absolutely can not stop obsessing about taking a few puffs. BE WARNED - If your wife doesn't understand the smoking, she prolly won't understand the e-cig. But you seem to be addicted to secret smoking, so I'm providing an option.)
When the wife is that angry there is only one thing to do. Acknowledge her position thoroughly, accept that she sees the smoking as a violation of your bond, tell her genuinely that you didn't mean it that way - but that she is RIGHT to be as upset & concerned as she is. Wash. Rinse. Repeat.
Smoking sucks. She knows it. You know it.
Your wife has a zero-tolerance stance on a subject that, well, it is hard to defend smoking. I think if you totally acknowledge in original and FROM YOUR HEART language how you NOW see that your secret smoking hurts both of you in multiple and serious ways... she'll totally back down.
(The added bonus? You may end up really quitting without crutches just because you verbalized how truly detrimental the whole business can be. Ya never know;)
You wife's ultimatum was devised to get your attention on this very serious matter. Show her she has your attention, and the rest should work itself out.
-J.
posted by jbenben at 10:07 AM on July 14, 2009
Sounds like a passive/aggressive control problem to me. Work on your marriage problems and the smoking "problem" will likely disappear.
posted by torquemaniac at 10:13 AM on July 14, 2009
posted by torquemaniac at 10:13 AM on July 14, 2009
Jeez, you don't even smoke that much.
I bet if your wife wasn't making such a big deal about his you would have already quit - or you would smoke even less.
I agree with everyone else - the way your wife is handling it is completely out of proportion.
Quite frankly, if I were you, I wouldn't try to quit right now. Smoke, don't pressure yourself about quitting smoking. Observe yourself when you smoke, every time you get the urge to smoke, observe your thinking, how it feels to want a cigarette, how it feels to have a cigarette, and how you feel about it all, afterwards.
You can quit, for you it'll probably be easier than pack-a-day smokers, but you don't have to feel crappy and horrible about it.
That's coming from your wife's reaction, which is a whole other story.
posted by Locochona at 10:14 AM on July 14, 2009
I bet if your wife wasn't making such a big deal about his you would have already quit - or you would smoke even less.
I agree with everyone else - the way your wife is handling it is completely out of proportion.
Quite frankly, if I were you, I wouldn't try to quit right now. Smoke, don't pressure yourself about quitting smoking. Observe yourself when you smoke, every time you get the urge to smoke, observe your thinking, how it feels to want a cigarette, how it feels to have a cigarette, and how you feel about it all, afterwards.
You can quit, for you it'll probably be easier than pack-a-day smokers, but you don't have to feel crappy and horrible about it.
That's coming from your wife's reaction, which is a whole other story.
posted by Locochona at 10:14 AM on July 14, 2009
I've never been a secret smoker, but I recently quit after 13 or 14 years of pretty heavy smoking. My wife was never shy about letting me know that she hated my habit, but also knew that I would only quit when I was good and ready, and no amount of nagging/begging/cajoling would change that. She was also very supportive of my choice to quit, after I made that decision.
I think that you're in a pretty big bind here - yeah, your wife is being unreasonable, but people get unreasonable and pissed off when they find out they're being lied to. If you are ready to quit (as in quit for good, no more giving in to that smoking urge, etc), than just quit, by whatever means necessary. If you aren't ready to do that, than she definitely need to come to terms with the fact that you are and will continue to be a sometimes-smoker, and you need to be honest with her about when you're doing it.
posted by sluggo at 10:27 AM on July 14, 2009 [2 favorites]
I think that you're in a pretty big bind here - yeah, your wife is being unreasonable, but people get unreasonable and pissed off when they find out they're being lied to. If you are ready to quit (as in quit for good, no more giving in to that smoking urge, etc), than just quit, by whatever means necessary. If you aren't ready to do that, than she definitely need to come to terms with the fact that you are and will continue to be a sometimes-smoker, and you need to be honest with her about when you're doing it.
posted by sluggo at 10:27 AM on July 14, 2009 [2 favorites]
Oh and as far as quitting - like I said, I was a heavy smoker, so I had to deal with nicotine addiction and habit. Chantix helped me tremendously with the addiction, and toothpicks and gum with the habit part (I'm still chewing lots of toothicks, but hope to taper down someday). Good luck!
posted by sluggo at 10:29 AM on July 14, 2009
posted by sluggo at 10:29 AM on July 14, 2009
If you were driving off a cliff, might the passenger next to you scream and try to get your attention to avert the accident??
This is what the wife is doing, she is the passenger in that car. To the wife, the smoking issue is life or death - RIGHT NOW - just as though she was in a car about to get into an accident.
Poster admits he's smoked intermittently for 15 years.
We can not judge the wife or the quality marriage. We can, based on the information contained in the post, accurately identify that the wife takes this issue very very seriously. And that it has been a problem off and on between them throughout their marriage.
In any event, I doubt the wife can become rational or supportive until she feels that the out-of-control car has pulled safely to the side of the road. She has to know the husband has heard her and accepts the seriousness of this issue.
posted by jbenben at 10:33 AM on July 14, 2009
This is what the wife is doing, she is the passenger in that car. To the wife, the smoking issue is life or death - RIGHT NOW - just as though she was in a car about to get into an accident.
Poster admits he's smoked intermittently for 15 years.
We can not judge the wife or the quality marriage. We can, based on the information contained in the post, accurately identify that the wife takes this issue very very seriously. And that it has been a problem off and on between them throughout their marriage.
In any event, I doubt the wife can become rational or supportive until she feels that the out-of-control car has pulled safely to the side of the road. She has to know the husband has heard her and accepts the seriousness of this issue.
posted by jbenben at 10:33 AM on July 14, 2009
Two part answer:
1) It doesn't sound like you need the nicotine gum because you aren't 'addicted', as such. You smoke when you feel bored/stressed, and so intermittently (by your description) that it doesn't sound like it's the chemicals in the cigarette you 'need'. Sounds to me like it's the casual distraction that you crave more than the nicotine, and if that's the case you could just as easily substitute this habit with anything else. Donuts, chewing pen-caps, push-ups, juggling; anything that allows you to concentrate on something else for a moment. Activities with an oral component seem to work better for this kind of substitution (it was the pen-caps for me).
2) I will never understand why adult men allow themselves to be relegated to sleeping on the couch. Let her sleep there if she is too upset to lay next to you.
You're an adult, and as such are free to do as you please. You know smoking is a dumb habit, and maybe you feel a little guilty for being so 'weak' about quitting 'for good'. It sounds like your wife is riding that guilt like a pony and you're letting her. Even if you get the smoking thing under control, though, I doubt if that'll fix the problem with your wife. Sounds like there's something else swimming around under the surface there than needs to be deal with.
Disclosure - I smoked two packs a day for two years, and about a pack a day for a few years before that. I decided to quit when I got a job working with babies (I felt gross being so stinky around them).
posted by Pecinpah at 10:49 AM on July 14, 2009 [1 favorite]
1) It doesn't sound like you need the nicotine gum because you aren't 'addicted', as such. You smoke when you feel bored/stressed, and so intermittently (by your description) that it doesn't sound like it's the chemicals in the cigarette you 'need'. Sounds to me like it's the casual distraction that you crave more than the nicotine, and if that's the case you could just as easily substitute this habit with anything else. Donuts, chewing pen-caps, push-ups, juggling; anything that allows you to concentrate on something else for a moment. Activities with an oral component seem to work better for this kind of substitution (it was the pen-caps for me).
2) I will never understand why adult men allow themselves to be relegated to sleeping on the couch. Let her sleep there if she is too upset to lay next to you.
You're an adult, and as such are free to do as you please. You know smoking is a dumb habit, and maybe you feel a little guilty for being so 'weak' about quitting 'for good'. It sounds like your wife is riding that guilt like a pony and you're letting her. Even if you get the smoking thing under control, though, I doubt if that'll fix the problem with your wife. Sounds like there's something else swimming around under the surface there than needs to be deal with.
Disclosure - I smoked two packs a day for two years, and about a pack a day for a few years before that. I decided to quit when I got a job working with babies (I felt gross being so stinky around them).
posted by Pecinpah at 10:49 AM on July 14, 2009 [1 favorite]
Although I have a deep-seated dislike of tobacco myself, I agree with jamesonandwater and others upthread who make the point that there is Something Else at work here. Cigarettes are just what's precipitating your wife's anger, but I can't believe they account for all of it.
You really do need to have a serious talk with her about cigarettes and whatever else is eating her, and if she won't have that serious talk, then you'll need to have a serious talk about having serious talks.
posted by adamrice at 11:08 AM on July 14, 2009
You really do need to have a serious talk with her about cigarettes and whatever else is eating her, and if she won't have that serious talk, then you'll need to have a serious talk about having serious talks.
posted by adamrice at 11:08 AM on July 14, 2009
She's painting a picture where she cares more about you-not-smoking than she actually cares about you, the person. I agree. She has bigger problems than you do. Marriage counseling is likely in order. At the very least the two of you need to open a real dialogue, not threats and ultimatums and secret behaviors. Those are quite detrimental to your relationship.
As for hiding your smoking, I have a friend who did this and what finally got him to stop smoking was a heart attack at a fairly young age. As he was being wheeled off to the ambulance he handed his pack of cigarettes to a friend and asked him to throw them away so that his wife wouldn't find them. He was lucky to be in a room full of doctors and lucky to survive. That was his last pack of cigarettes ever.
posted by caddis at 11:26 AM on July 14, 2009
As for hiding your smoking, I have a friend who did this and what finally got him to stop smoking was a heart attack at a fairly young age. As he was being wheeled off to the ambulance he handed his pack of cigarettes to a friend and asked him to throw them away so that his wife wouldn't find them. He was lucky to be in a room full of doctors and lucky to survive. That was his last pack of cigarettes ever.
posted by caddis at 11:26 AM on July 14, 2009
Maybe this is lame, but it help me four years ago when I quit. It was nice to have a regular timeline that gave me emotional props I could aim for instead of buying a pack.
That and drinking water whenever I had a fit be it physical or psychological. Others seem to have some insight into your relationship issues with your spouse. I do not have anything for you there. Good luck.
posted by YoBananaBoy at 11:41 AM on July 14, 2009
That and drinking water whenever I had a fit be it physical or psychological. Others seem to have some insight into your relationship issues with your spouse. I do not have anything for you there. Good luck.
posted by YoBananaBoy at 11:41 AM on July 14, 2009
I have trouble imagining that there are times when your wife doesn't know you've relapsed. I suspect she only makes a point of it when it's so bluntly obvious that she considers you a doofus for not doing a better job of hiding it.
I also suspect that, as you yourself pointed out in your question, your wife is bothered by the fact that she is married to a liar. This, in my opinion, is a bigger problem than your smoking.
My advice: figure out which is more important to you - the smoking or the wife. You can't have both. Some people can. Some marriages work that way. Yours doesn't, so you can't.
posted by 2oh1 at 11:59 AM on July 14, 2009
I also suspect that, as you yourself pointed out in your question, your wife is bothered by the fact that she is married to a liar. This, in my opinion, is a bigger problem than your smoking.
My advice: figure out which is more important to you - the smoking or the wife. You can't have both. Some people can. Some marriages work that way. Yours doesn't, so you can't.
posted by 2oh1 at 11:59 AM on July 14, 2009
i dated a guy once who lost his job and i became the sole earner. he smoked. constantly. i asked him to not. he kept smoking. i didn't push too hard when the bills were getting paid, but when our lights were being turned off and he was still smoking premium cigarettes, i threw a fit.
could the lack of money in the house and then seeing a 5-10 splurge you made that you know she has real issues with be the reason for her disco freakout?
posted by nadawi at 12:58 PM on July 14, 2009
could the lack of money in the house and then seeing a 5-10 splurge you made that you know she has real issues with be the reason for her disco freakout?
posted by nadawi at 12:58 PM on July 14, 2009
I was a pack-a-day smoker when I started dating my husband -- I had been smoking since I was 16, with one 4-year break. He didn't smoke, and hated that I did, but he also knew that getting angry at me, giving me ultimatums, scolding me, or otherwise punishing me would be the WORST way to help me to quit. When I decided, ed that I was ready to quit, he was supportive and encouraging, and that helped immensely. I knew he wouldn't be angry at me if I relapsed, but I didn't want to disappoint him -- whereas, if he had been yelling at me or getting pissed off at me for smoking, I'd be upset and stressed and would then smoke more.
Couples counselling if definitely a good idea -- her response to your smoking is over-the-top, and you both need to figure out why, and how to deal with the issue in a healthier way.
posted by sarcasticah at 1:00 PM on July 14, 2009
Couples counselling if definitely a good idea -- her response to your smoking is over-the-top, and you both need to figure out why, and how to deal with the issue in a healthier way.
posted by sarcasticah at 1:00 PM on July 14, 2009
Well, read all the "help me quit smoking" threads and find the advice that works for you. What worked for me was finding something to occupy my hands and my attention for those breaks where I would normally get a cigarette. At work I'd go outside and blow bubbles. For me, though perhaps dorky, what this did was sate the hand/mouth craving as well as fulfill the need to get out, give myself a break and relax. Blowing bubbles is very relaxing though, admittedly, not nearly as macho as puffing on a burning twig. Also, now I can blow immense bubbles and really impress the kids. For social/bar situations, I started carrying around a deck of cards and if I got antsy I'd shuffle them. You could spend some time learning some shuffling tricks and then practice them. And whenever anyone would ask me why I'd say, "I'm trying to quit smoking and this is helping me." All my diehard smoking friends never had a problem with this.
But, you're not a social smoker, though I think these could still work. Need a break from work, turn away from your desk and do the crossword -- make yourself finish one everyday. Need a reward? Go buy some really freaking delicious soda and sip it slowly. Put a little mini fridge in your office. Also: go for a walk, do something physical. And, I don't know if you'll find this helpful or not but it took me five years to quit craving cigarettes. You will stop craving cigarettes but it may take more time than you think. And, go read all those other tips on mefi if you haven't already.
Then, yes, talk to your wife. You smoke when you are stressed. That's how it starts. Your wife understandably does not want this to happen. It's hard to know what is the beginning of one week of smoking vs. one year or a lifetime addiction. But, how you are talking about this is kind of messed up. You're a grown-ass person. You don't need someone telling you what you already know. And if this is a money issue, which I totally understand, then maybe you both need a small "funny money" each week which you are totally unaccountable for. Then, if you'd prefer a pack of smokes to doing something more rewarding with your money then it's up to you.
I think you guys need to unpack the baggage surrounding the smoking issue. Do that so that you can stop lying and both of you can act like and be treated like adults.
posted by amanda at 1:33 PM on July 14, 2009
But, you're not a social smoker, though I think these could still work. Need a break from work, turn away from your desk and do the crossword -- make yourself finish one everyday. Need a reward? Go buy some really freaking delicious soda and sip it slowly. Put a little mini fridge in your office. Also: go for a walk, do something physical. And, I don't know if you'll find this helpful or not but it took me five years to quit craving cigarettes. You will stop craving cigarettes but it may take more time than you think. And, go read all those other tips on mefi if you haven't already.
Then, yes, talk to your wife. You smoke when you are stressed. That's how it starts. Your wife understandably does not want this to happen. It's hard to know what is the beginning of one week of smoking vs. one year or a lifetime addiction. But, how you are talking about this is kind of messed up. You're a grown-ass person. You don't need someone telling you what you already know. And if this is a money issue, which I totally understand, then maybe you both need a small "funny money" each week which you are totally unaccountable for. Then, if you'd prefer a pack of smokes to doing something more rewarding with your money then it's up to you.
I think you guys need to unpack the baggage surrounding the smoking issue. Do that so that you can stop lying and both of you can act like and be treated like adults.
posted by amanda at 1:33 PM on July 14, 2009
And how do I deal with my wife's anger and resentment, and try to persuade her to pull back a bit on the ultimatums. The latter is going to be hard seeing as I'm such a serial offender.
That one's easy: state very clearly that your problem has everything to do with yourself and nothing to do with her, and that you appreciate her help but ultimatums have no impact, and so would she perhaps be willing to try something else (have something else to suggest!) that might do a better job of helping you.
Of course, if the problem DOES have something to do with her -- if you do it to "get away with it" or whatever because you feel she's too controlling or something -- talk about that instead.
posted by davejay at 2:00 PM on July 14, 2009
That one's easy: state very clearly that your problem has everything to do with yourself and nothing to do with her, and that you appreciate her help but ultimatums have no impact, and so would she perhaps be willing to try something else (have something else to suggest!) that might do a better job of helping you.
Of course, if the problem DOES have something to do with her -- if you do it to "get away with it" or whatever because you feel she's too controlling or something -- talk about that instead.
posted by davejay at 2:00 PM on July 14, 2009
nthing the idea that you're wife is likely far more bothered by the fact that you are willing to lie to her on a consistent basis than the fact that you have a tobacco addiction (and you absolutely do). Lying in a marriage really destroys trust, she may be wondering what else you are lying to her about. Plus 10 years is a reeeealllly long time to be trying to stop a behavior.
posted by unsurmountable at 3:56 PM on July 14, 2009
posted by unsurmountable at 3:56 PM on July 14, 2009
As you're aware dealing with an intermittent tobacco habit is a very different beast than kicking a steady habit. I can only speak for my own experience, and in my case the critical difference seems to have been my perception that I was "getting away with it." (I put all this in the past tense out of optimism but as you know when you find yourself with a history that includes a year or two of persistent abstinence here and there, this is based more on good intentions than absolute confidence. Email me in a couple years and check on whether I've managed to break my best record).
I don't really have to be secretive about my actions with my wife, so for me mainly my definition of "getting away with it" involves the fact that I've avoided (on at least a couple occasions very narrowly) falling back into bona fide daily habit. At least part of your definition is probably not getting caught. As long as you accept your definition of getting away with it you will keep repeating the same patterns.
You have to settle on total abstinence as your mission and accept that if that's the case there is no amount or condition or justification of smoking that qualifies as "getting away with it." How do you do this? I'm not sure there's really any special trick to it. You take a look at that decision, at really signing up for total abstinence, embracing it, owning it, however you want to put it - and I think you know whether your heart is really in it or not. You may not be able to fully believe that you'll manage it, but you know if you're on board. And I honestly think that it is a decision: you can decide to get on board with this. If you feel like you want to but you just can't, well, the reality is that you don't really want to, you just want the benefits or at least to avoid the consequences. As long as you accept the cop out that the habit can overmaster your will you will repeat the same patterns.
Quit dicking around with nicotine replacement. You don't need to ameliorate physical withdrawal, you don't smoke enough anymore to have it, so all you are doing is reinforcing the notion that the way to get past these periods of obsession with smoking is to give yourself the drug. The way to get past these periods of obsession is to refuse to succumb to them. And in this respect the situation is identical to the regular smoker trying to quit: the longer you follow this pattern the less frequently you will have to deal with it, the shorter the duration of the episodes will be, and the easier it will become to deal with it. You will come to terms with the fact that if you do not succumb the feelings will go away and that you have in fact been exacerbating the feelings by dwelling on them. You can't stop them from coming. Your control over their intensity and duration is limited. But if you are in the habit of giving up and deciding to smoke when you are beset by them your addictive mindset will certainly a lot less likely to give up on these thoughts and ideas. Quit giving your will a pass. Have you decided this thing or not? Listen, I of all people know that this is easier said than done. But I've come to the conclusion that you have to be willing and able to say it before you can do it.
Get rid of everything associated with smoking. If there are any cigarettes left soak them in water, crush the pack and throw it away. A persistent, pernicious and false mentality of the halfway addict is that you are "not quite done" with it. You can come up with a million specious reasons why you need to have one last one to be done. It is all garbage. The last one doesn't matter one bit, not in the slightest. You've had hundreds, perhaps thousands of "just last ones." The longer you go the more meaningless that last one becomes. A habit is never about the particular experience but about the aggregate over time, the pattern of behavior. All that matters in quitting is the not doing it. No matter what you do you will hit those moments when you feel like you will never be satisfied, that nothing will appease you or make things right but the habit. It's a lie, the feelings will go away eventually (as you are perfectly well aware), and in fact nothing will reinforce your quitting more than getting past the most difficult moments and nothing will undermine it more than succumbing to them.
I wish I could hand you the magic prescription because then it would exist but it doesn't. It's a choice. It's an act of will. Every time you come up against it you have the choice. You are not compelled. That's all there is to it. There is no magic.
But as long as you are pursuing it under false pretenses like what your wife says you have to do I think you're a lot less likely to succeed. Every recovering addict knows that you can't do it for anyone but yourself. The feelings of others can be an incentive and reward but the motivation has to come from within. It's a mistake to judge a situation, especially a relationship situation, that you know next to nothing about, but I do tend towards the side of those who feel like there is probably more at issue in your relationship than smoking. Frankly I think you'd be better off if you could tell your wife that you can't absolutely guarantee that you won't be weak and relapse and that you can't promise to be honest with her unless she can accept that you may at times smoke, though I doubt you want to deal with that sort of conversation and I wouldn't blame you.
Of course you want to just succeed and make it a moot point but you have to be very careful you are really doing it on your own initiative and not just to get her off your case, or you will end up substituting that definition of getting away with it where it doesn't really matter as long as she doesn't find out. The other problem with not really having it out with her about this and her reaction to it and the possibility that you might err and that if you are going to be honest with her she may have to deal with that, is that given her ultimatum and your history there is no way she can believe in you under the deal as it has existed. Again, I think you'd be starting on a lot firmer ground if she could be made to understand that, but I very much relate to not wanting to get into it, especially when you are in the doghouse. Of course if you do manage to get her to be more realistic about your situation and you promise to be honest, well, you have to be honest then, which is in it's own way just as big of a decision and challenge. Though I'll say a firm commitment to honesty on the subject can be super for clarifying the decision that faces you when you are sorely tempted to smoke.
This decision is under your control. Best wishes.
posted by nanojath at 7:04 PM on July 14, 2009 [2 favorites]
I don't really have to be secretive about my actions with my wife, so for me mainly my definition of "getting away with it" involves the fact that I've avoided (on at least a couple occasions very narrowly) falling back into bona fide daily habit. At least part of your definition is probably not getting caught. As long as you accept your definition of getting away with it you will keep repeating the same patterns.
You have to settle on total abstinence as your mission and accept that if that's the case there is no amount or condition or justification of smoking that qualifies as "getting away with it." How do you do this? I'm not sure there's really any special trick to it. You take a look at that decision, at really signing up for total abstinence, embracing it, owning it, however you want to put it - and I think you know whether your heart is really in it or not. You may not be able to fully believe that you'll manage it, but you know if you're on board. And I honestly think that it is a decision: you can decide to get on board with this. If you feel like you want to but you just can't, well, the reality is that you don't really want to, you just want the benefits or at least to avoid the consequences. As long as you accept the cop out that the habit can overmaster your will you will repeat the same patterns.
Quit dicking around with nicotine replacement. You don't need to ameliorate physical withdrawal, you don't smoke enough anymore to have it, so all you are doing is reinforcing the notion that the way to get past these periods of obsession with smoking is to give yourself the drug. The way to get past these periods of obsession is to refuse to succumb to them. And in this respect the situation is identical to the regular smoker trying to quit: the longer you follow this pattern the less frequently you will have to deal with it, the shorter the duration of the episodes will be, and the easier it will become to deal with it. You will come to terms with the fact that if you do not succumb the feelings will go away and that you have in fact been exacerbating the feelings by dwelling on them. You can't stop them from coming. Your control over their intensity and duration is limited. But if you are in the habit of giving up and deciding to smoke when you are beset by them your addictive mindset will certainly a lot less likely to give up on these thoughts and ideas. Quit giving your will a pass. Have you decided this thing or not? Listen, I of all people know that this is easier said than done. But I've come to the conclusion that you have to be willing and able to say it before you can do it.
Get rid of everything associated with smoking. If there are any cigarettes left soak them in water, crush the pack and throw it away. A persistent, pernicious and false mentality of the halfway addict is that you are "not quite done" with it. You can come up with a million specious reasons why you need to have one last one to be done. It is all garbage. The last one doesn't matter one bit, not in the slightest. You've had hundreds, perhaps thousands of "just last ones." The longer you go the more meaningless that last one becomes. A habit is never about the particular experience but about the aggregate over time, the pattern of behavior. All that matters in quitting is the not doing it. No matter what you do you will hit those moments when you feel like you will never be satisfied, that nothing will appease you or make things right but the habit. It's a lie, the feelings will go away eventually (as you are perfectly well aware), and in fact nothing will reinforce your quitting more than getting past the most difficult moments and nothing will undermine it more than succumbing to them.
I wish I could hand you the magic prescription because then it would exist but it doesn't. It's a choice. It's an act of will. Every time you come up against it you have the choice. You are not compelled. That's all there is to it. There is no magic.
But as long as you are pursuing it under false pretenses like what your wife says you have to do I think you're a lot less likely to succeed. Every recovering addict knows that you can't do it for anyone but yourself. The feelings of others can be an incentive and reward but the motivation has to come from within. It's a mistake to judge a situation, especially a relationship situation, that you know next to nothing about, but I do tend towards the side of those who feel like there is probably more at issue in your relationship than smoking. Frankly I think you'd be better off if you could tell your wife that you can't absolutely guarantee that you won't be weak and relapse and that you can't promise to be honest with her unless she can accept that you may at times smoke, though I doubt you want to deal with that sort of conversation and I wouldn't blame you.
Of course you want to just succeed and make it a moot point but you have to be very careful you are really doing it on your own initiative and not just to get her off your case, or you will end up substituting that definition of getting away with it where it doesn't really matter as long as she doesn't find out. The other problem with not really having it out with her about this and her reaction to it and the possibility that you might err and that if you are going to be honest with her she may have to deal with that, is that given her ultimatum and your history there is no way she can believe in you under the deal as it has existed. Again, I think you'd be starting on a lot firmer ground if she could be made to understand that, but I very much relate to not wanting to get into it, especially when you are in the doghouse. Of course if you do manage to get her to be more realistic about your situation and you promise to be honest, well, you have to be honest then, which is in it's own way just as big of a decision and challenge. Though I'll say a firm commitment to honesty on the subject can be super for clarifying the decision that faces you when you are sorely tempted to smoke.
This decision is under your control. Best wishes.
posted by nanojath at 7:04 PM on July 14, 2009 [2 favorites]
I smoked for 15 years. When I started dating my current boyfriend, he announced that my health was really important to him and that it'd mean a lot to him if I quit. He said that if I quit, he would make a notable life change of my choice. I laughed and said "Like hot pink hair?" He said "Absolutely, that'd be worth it."
(For some backstory - He'd never colored his hair at all. He most commonly wears buttondown shirts, ties, and fancy dress shoes. He was definitely not "the type".)
So we did it. I bought some hair color at Hot Topic, bleach, and his hair became pink. I quit smoking.
Needless to say, coworkers and friends found this all very hilarious. He soon got nicknamed "snowcone" and the number of guys hitting on him increased quite a bit. But it worked.
I share this story because I feel that it was a kind and creative approach. In a roundabout way he acknowledged that it was going to change my life a lot and the way I related to other people. He couldn't really understand what I was going through directly. He'd never been a smoker himself and had no unhealthy habits that needed to end. But he was willing to do something in exchange so that I didn't feel like I was the only one going through something.
I don't think the couch punishment approach acknowledges that it's a really hard thing to do that affects everyday life.
posted by groovinkim at 12:18 AM on July 15, 2009 [1 favorite]
« Older Accommodations for Muslims with handling... | I live a double life, but without the cape and the... Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by munchbunch at 9:26 AM on July 14, 2009 [2 favorites]