Facebook, steel my heart.

July 1, 2009 6:57 PM

How to channel Facebook info into another chance at a date?

It must've been two or three years ago that I had class with and subsequently asked this girl out. We hit it off because she was reading a Robert Anton Wilson book, she was interested in Castaneda, knew of Jason Molina, and other miscellaneous coincidentally coinciding rare obsessions. Basically, there was obvious compatibility and mutual attraction. However, upon a request for dinner her hands went to her hair and she regretfully informed me that she had a boyfriend.

We hung out a few times, but I found her boyfriend to be too cocky for my taste, and I just didn't want another failed-girlfriend-friend, so the hanging out petered out, though we've been friends on Facebook ever since, though we haven't actively corresponded on there. We still live in the same town. We don't really run into each other, though it's a small college town.

Well, as 21st century as it is, her relationship status changed a few days ago, and subsequent posts confirm that she and that dude have broken up.

So, how can I get into a position to try again without seeming like some creep waiting for the rebound? I guess in a sense I am some creep waiting for the rebound, but you'll just have to take my word that my intentions are genuine and only partially lascivious.

Further complication: I sometimes have trouble recognizing faces. Only sometimes, and it can be anyone... best friends, family, whoever. Between this is and moderate social awkwardness, when I'm not sure if I know someone, I say nothing. On at least one occasion I've passed her by without saying anything and realized it was her after a weird look and further reflection.

posted by cmoj to human relations (13 comments total)

Wait at least two weeks so you don't seem like a creepy stalker that was waiting to pounce immediately after the relationship ended. Plus then maybe this could turn out to be more than a rebound for her.

Also, you could use your lack of social graces as an opening email to her - i.e. Subject: Was that you on the campus green? Body: "Hey, I think I saw you the other day on the campus green - I know I've ran into you there a few times before, but I've been pretty distracted lately and always think to say hi too late. Maybe we can grab a cup of coffee to catch up? Let me know when you're free, here's my number 555-5555."

Short and sweet.
posted by banannafish at 7:00 PM on July 1 [2 favorites has favorites]

Don't be that guy. By "that guy" I mean the dude circling like a shark at the first hint of blood in the water. Give it, say, a month, which is at least enough time for her to get over it and to prevent either a) her getting back with him or b) you being rebound guy. Then send her a straightforward note, saying you'd like to take her out for a drink. Don't do the "suddenly I want to be your friend" thing, make your intentions clear so there's no chance of crossed wires.
posted by SassHat at 7:22 PM on July 1 [3 favorites has favorites]

Dude, I hate to say it but I totally DID this. Okay, so here's what worked for me. I had been pining away for this guy for, like, two years but he had a girlfriend. Then, they broke up. I waited two weeks and then poked him. Not a big deal, something that can totally be ignored, but still kind of flirty. He poked back. And then I did it again. And again and again. After several weeks, I sent a brief message apologizing for the poke war. He said it was cool, no biggie. All of this was combined with several incidents of us smiling at each other in passing on the street. We never once spoke in person the entire time. All pokes and shy smiles. I then let several months go by (actually, around five months) and then poked him again. He asked me out.

Later on, when we were in bed together, he told me he had known the entire time what was going on with all the poking. He didn't want to get into any sort of rebound relationship but he gave it some time, but he definitely knew this was me signaling interest.

I mean, hey... It worked for me.
posted by SkylitDrawl at 7:23 PM on July 1 [7 favorites has favorites]

Yeah, as SkylitDrawl's story points out, any contact you make will telegraph your romantic interest in letters 50 feet high. (To all her friends too, if you do it on her Wall.) Since you haven't kept in touch up to this point, initiating contact as soon as she's single is going to read loud and clear that you're interested. Which is fine, but you might as well just straight up ask her out in an email instead of trying to insinuate your way back into her life while thinking you're maintaining plausible deniability about your motivation.
posted by MsMolly at 7:42 PM on July 1

So, how can I get into a position to try again without seeming like some creep waiting for the rebound?

You can't. Your only interest in her is romantic, which doesn't bode well; if you can't be friends with someone the likelihood of a relationship actually lasting is pretty low.

Find a new girl.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 10:45 PM on July 1

Your only interest in her is romantic, which doesn't bode well; if you can't be friends with someone the likelihood of a relationship actually lasting is pretty low.

This is not true. If you have a romantic interest in someone, trying to be their friend first isn't particularly honest and doesn't really work that well. He should at least try to make it look like he isn't pouncing, but he doesn't need to take the friends step first.

Personally, I would get in contact with her - just a hi or a "was that you I spotted recently" just to re-initiate contact. Then try asking her out in a few weeks time.
posted by crossoverman at 11:09 PM on July 1 [1 favorite has favorites]

Perhaps I didn't explain myself well.

When romance was taken off the table, he decided not to be friends (in the real sense, not the facebook sense). I'm not talking about that creepy 'I'll be friends with you until I can pounce' thing that guys do, I'm saying he had the opportunity for friendship and didn't take it. And now as soon as she's single, he wants to date her again. That's what doesn't bode well; his only interest is romantic, which says to me that there isn't actually that much of a real connection or real understanding of her, but that she ticks off the boxes on the Girlfriend List.

It's late. I might be unclear still.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 12:20 AM on July 2

i think you have a good chance, and completely disagree with dirtynumbangelboy. in fact, i think it is *good* that you didn't take her on as a failed-girlfriend-friend. your continued interest shows a genuine connection, and you have been clear about what you want and don't want (ie, you don't want to be some lame third wheel in her life - you have self-respect!). so if you contact her, don't come on too strong or anything, but do be clear to yourself that you're not looking to be 'just friends', and try to be comfortable with that being completely obvious. it can be exhilirating - the faux-safety/insecurity of pretending that *maybe* you're just looking for friendship is sort of oppressive and very exhausting.

i feel for your face-recognition problem, i have the same problem and it is awkward-city. but it can work to your advantage. she may habe been worried when you didn't recognize her, and if you come on clearly interested and (most importantly) happy to see her and be around her, that will resolve any awkwardness caused by the passing-by-in-the-street-wierdness. it will be reassuring! so don't be worried about that.

and i wouldn't necessarily take the same path as SkylitDawl though, but only because it's different when the boy initiates. you are the best judge as to whether a poke is appropriate or not. i would definitely disadvise writing on the wall, and suggest instead a warm and straightforward message asking how she is, and saying that it would be great to meet and catch up. you will have to make all the effort and do all the planning though. avoid mentioning the ex boyfriend though - it should be about the two of you, and not about him.
posted by molecicco at 3:03 AM on July 2

oh yeah, and like the others said, wait a bit. don't contact too soon.
posted by molecicco at 3:20 AM on July 2

"Hey, I think I saw you the other day on the campus green - I know I've ran into you there a few times before, but I've been pretty distracted lately and always think to say hi too late. Maybe we can grab a cup of coffee to catch up? Let me know when you're free, here's my number 555-5555."

This, except for the number-gving. And wait a month.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 5:43 AM on July 2

GO FOR IT. Wait a week and poke her on FB like SkylitDrawl did. If no response, wait another week and send her a FB email asking how she is. Short and sweet.
posted by heather-b at 6:58 AM on July 2

People actually use facebook "pokes" still? Awkward!
I would go with the message, myself. And definitely wait a month.
posted by lunit at 1:10 PM on July 2

For the sake of all those who must be intensely curious, I found out that she's moving away soon, so never mind.

:(
posted by cmoj at 3:07 PM on July 26