How do you spend time?
June 9, 2009 8:21 AM Subscribe
How do you divide between spending time with your partner on the weekend and having the opportunity to pursue your own activities? The division we have doesn't work for me.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (38 answers total) 21 users marked this as a favorite
I have been with my boyfriend for three years. We live together. We both work full time.
He has a hobby/interest that he spends much of his spare time at the weekend on, often away from home for much of both Saturday and Sunday. I like that he has something he enjoys doing, but I feel like he doesn't make time to spend with me.
When he came home after a three day weekend recently and said "That was fantastic, every weekend should be like this one", I pointed out (in a joking tone) that he hadn't spent any of it with me.
His response was that 'my family things' have taken up lots of time this year and he has gone to those. We have gone to Christmas lunch, Easter brunch, a special birthday event for an older relative, and a Mother's Day/combined birthday event.
I asked him about two months ago to set aside some of each weekend to spend with me, because well, I would like to spend time together! He said he would try, but that really, weeknights suited him better and he would do things then. He said that the bad situation at his job (which he left 18 months ago) took a lot out of him, and he really wants to focus on doing something for himself.
I have since asked him to do things on weeknights, and he has said he is too tired (honestly, a lot of the time, I am too). He made an effort for a few weeks to spend time together on the weekend, but it left a bit of a sour taste. He would front up at the time he said he would be home and say "Well, what have you got arranged? I could be doing other things.". This really didn't make me feel like he enjoyed or valued spending time with me.
Because he is out much of the weekend, I also end up doing the grocery shopping and a lot of the house cleaning alone. By the time he gets home on the weekend, he is often too tired to do anything (whether than is doing something together, doing something erm.. in bed, or catching up on the cleaning).
I have my own interests and friends, and do enjoy spending time alone also (reading, cooking, going for a walk, seeing films, browsing bookshops, volunteer work). I have lived overseas several times without many family or friends, and have enjoyed my own company and found entertainment (we don't live overseas now). I am really not sitting about in a tower ringing my hands and waiting for my knight to return. But when I am out and about, and see other people spending time with their loved ones, I feel a twinge that I would like that.
I sometimes spend some time on his interest (going out with him while he drives around to pick up things, or talking to him while doing something), but it really isn't something in which I can muster any further interest. He also professes that he would rather stay home and pursue his interest, than go on a holiday somewhere (which I have defined as broadly as "wherever he would like to go").
Any ideas on how to try tackling this issue again? Is this 'wake up and smell the coffee' territory?