Ejaculation from Masturbation

May 6, 2009 8:39 AM

When masturbating, upon what do you ejaculate?

This is indeed a gross question -- I acknowledge that in advance -- but I imagine there are Mefites who are un-self-conscious enough to answer.

Over the years, I've probably contributed to half of the deforestation of the rain forest. Plus, using Kleenex can occasionally present a ... er, small target.

I'm wondering if I'm missing some very obvious alternative, one perhaps more eco-friendly. At the same time, I think that I -- and probably society in general -- would find the thought of "re-use" of something a little icky, no?

posted by anonymous to human relations (47 comments total)

Straddle the toilet, shoot, then give it three shakes.

No muss, no fuss.
posted by Darned account name at 8:46 AM on May 6

According to the opening scene of American Beauty, a shower is a fine place to masturbate.
posted by rosebuddy at 8:47 AM on May 6

My stomach/chest. Which I then wipe with a Kleenex (or three).

Signed,
Mr. un-self-conscious (aka nobody knows who I really am)
posted by pardonyou? at 8:48 AM on May 6

There's one really obvious alternative, yes. Kleenex hasn't always been around.

So what did people use to wipe their noses (or whatever) before it was invented? They used hankies. And what are hankies? Fabric. And what if your piece of fabric isn't big enough for whatever your purpose? Get a bigger piece of fabric.
posted by ODiV at 8:50 AM on May 6 [2 favorites]

I believe the common term is "a bunk sock" - ie, a washable material such as a towel or spare sock.

Such a towel or sock is designated for that purpose and not used for other things. It is washed regularly along with the other laundry. There is no worry that your sperm is so powerful, it will somehow overcome the detergent and contaminate the other articles.
posted by muddgirl at 8:51 AM on May 6 [2 favorites]

Well I'm not a guy, but when I have occasion to need to clean up certain body fluids I have 2-3 hand towels that are used just for that purpose. They get washed with the rest of my laundry. I don't find it particularly icky.

And yes, it might get thrown on the floor and reused the next day. I don't find that particularly icky either, but maybe my tolerance for that sort of thing is higher than most?
posted by ephemerista at 8:51 AM on May 6

Well, if you're super classy, you use a personalized cum rag from Doublespeak. (That link is SFW, this one is not)
posted by Juliet Banana at 8:54 AM on May 6 [2 favorites]

There is is nothing gross about this question, it's a practical matter.

Got an old article of clothing, something you don't use anymore? There ya go. Does that sound icky? Like most of society, you probably have access to a washing machine and run plenty of dirty thing through it. This isn't much different. If you're too icked by that thought, then run it through the wash by itself.

Worried about small target area? Use a beach towel. Hell, treat yourself and go buy a nice fluffy towel. No one has to know but you.

The show "Weeds" has a few other suggestions.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:55 AM on May 6 [3 favorites]

I believe the common term is "a bunk sock" - ie, a washable material such as a towel or spare sock.

In my family we call that the zamboni, a washable hand towel that serves that singular purpose.
posted by jessamyn at 8:59 AM on May 6 [4 favorites]

When masturbating, upon what do you ejaculate?

A girl.

Or, in the absence of that, the shower floor.
posted by rokusan at 9:00 AM on May 6 [7 favorites]

If you're looking to be more eco-friendly, I'd recommend against spending more time in the shower.
posted by ODiV at 9:01 AM on May 6

Many of these are washable.
posted by Clyde Mnestra at 9:01 AM on May 6

Yeah, this was a weird conversation a few years ago with some friends. Notable entries included: Kleenex, a carefully chosen off-white towel ("cream," he gleefully described it), yesterday's T-shirt, "anywhere near the foot of the bed" (that's the last time I walk around your bedroom barefoot, buddy), and one friend who chose the recycling method: his mouth.

The latter, he informed us, requires control and technique.
posted by adipocere at 9:05 AM on May 6

A girl.

Reminder: It is considered the height of etiquette to establish that doing that is ok before actually attempting it. You should also clarify with the girl (or boy!) where they want this to occur and which areas are off limits.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 9:10 AM on May 6 [1 favorite]

I think the classic option is a used sock. I hear the term "come rag" a lot.
posted by kdar at 9:14 AM on May 6

Everything else is just a cumrag.
posted by mkultra at 9:14 AM on May 6

My previous suggestion may have been a bit showy. How about this: used paper napkins, if you use them and can put them aside. Just try not to do it at the dinner table, or at least say grace first.
posted by Clyde Mnestra at 9:22 AM on May 6

I believe the common term is "a bunk sock" - ie, a washable material such as a towel or spare sock.

Indeed, this is what's generally used. On the West Coast, we usually call them "dick mops."
posted by porn in the woods at 9:23 AM on May 6

Baby wipes work well.
posted by doh ray mii at 9:25 AM on May 6

Haha... this kind of question is just what this alt-account is for.

I come on my stomach/chest, and I swallow it. Some might find that gross, but it's just how I roll! >:C
posted by teresci at 9:28 AM on May 6 [1 favorite]

Not any more eco-friendly, but eliminates any mess: jerk off while wearing a condom.

Plus I've heard that it feels great if you put a little lube in first. Just don't flush it down the toilet afterwards.
posted by desjardins at 9:40 AM on May 6

Not any more eco-friendly, but eliminates any mess: jerk off while wearing a condom.

Plus I've heard that it feels great if you put a little lube in first. Just don't flush it down the toilet afterwards.

And if you want, you can go ahead and use that petroleum-based stuff! Live it up!

Actually, any move in this direction is not only not eco-friendly, but kind of self-defeating, mess-wise.
posted by Clyde Mnestra at 10:01 AM on May 6

A tissue. Or if I'm about to shower, myself.
posted by valadil at 10:27 AM on May 6

use the pair of drawers you just took off. Hopefully, they were headed for the hamper anyway.
posted by notsnot at 10:31 AM on May 6 [4 favorites]

Occasionally, dispiritingly, the fucking keyboard.
posted by Skot at 10:31 AM on May 6 [7 favorites]

kind of self-defeating, mess-wise.

Huh?? It all gets, um, deposited in the condom. Where's the mess part? You don't even need to put lube on the outside of the condom if you've got some inside, so you don't even mess up your hands. When you're done, just roll it off and throw it out.
posted by desjardins at 10:36 AM on May 6

[a few comments removed - this is not an etiquette or a recycling question]
posted by jessamyn at 10:37 AM on May 6

Reminder: It is considered the height of etiquette to establish that doing that is ok before actually attempting it.

Yes, obviously I was not advocating an ambush.
posted by rokusan at 10:40 AM on May 6 [3 favorites]

Spooge towel.
posted by plinth at 10:43 AM on May 6

desjardins,

The lube inside sound like it would get your tove all slithy. Which you then need to clean up. Speaking just for myself (per the topic's theme), and hypothetically.

I believe I have shot my wad on this (t)issue.
posted by Clyde Mnestra at 11:07 AM on May 6 [1 favorite]

OK, my mistake, I thought all guys used lube or spit or something that necessitated afterwards cleanup of the trouser snake. I'll nth the shower idea, then.
posted by desjardins at 11:09 AM on May 6

I just do it into the sink.
posted by kbanas at 11:31 AM on May 6

Keep your dirty laundry basket adjacent to your bed. Additionally, there is the option of masturbating in the shower.
posted by kiki_s at 11:31 AM on May 6

When masturbating, upon what do you ejaculate?

Age 10-29: My chest
Age 30-37: My stomach

Wipe with sock/underwear/towel/whatever is handy.
posted by coolguymichael at 11:51 AM on May 6 [5 favorites]

Here's a good solution that catches the mess for you: The Maverick. (Link is probably NSFW, but I hope everyone would expect that since this is a thread about flogging the dolphin.)

I should also mention that it will change your life. You will forever look at your bare hand with scorn and bitter resentment for all the wasted years. My wife says that if I had found that thing BEFORE I found her, I'd still be single because I probably wouldn't have ever left the house.

She might be right.
posted by ElDiabloConQueso at 12:52 PM on May 6 [1 favorite]

Rub it in to your chest! Or just get some kleenex.
posted by tehloki at 1:39 PM on May 6

If you use a washcloth you can rinse it out well in the sink afterward and then either hang to dry or put in the hamper without anyone knowing what said washcloth was used for.
posted by agentwills at 1:48 PM on May 6

One of the best uses for a towel that's become too threadbare for shower use is to cut it up into suitably sized pieces, bigger than a washcloth and smaller than a bandanna. Good for cleaning up after fun with yourself or a partner, and not likely to be confused with other laundry if you're squeamish about using it for other purposes.
posted by Halloween Jack at 2:32 PM on May 6 [1 favorite]

Previously used underpants / boxers.
posted by i_cola at 2:56 PM on May 6

As a lady, I've often wondered about how guys approach this problem. This has been enlightening.

Kind of related: I've gone through many a crying jag where kleenex were just not cutting it and resorted to blowing my nose in dirty t-shirts. At first, friends/roommates looked at me like I had just killed a puppy - to which I responded "WHAT? I was washing it ANYWAY." Now I know several people who do the same thing.

Yeah, in my case it's snot and not jizz, but I'd see no problem in using dirty laundry - that is, if you do your own laundry. If your partner does the laundry, I'd stick to a washcloth that you can rinse out in the sink first. (Yes, I do my own laundry and occasionally, I do my partner's laundry, but not vice versa. I would never make someone else wash a tshirt full of my snot.)
posted by grapefruitmoon at 3:26 PM on May 6

t-shirt that gets thrown behind the bed and re-used a few times and then washed.
posted by KateHasQuestions at 3:52 PM on May 6

True story that will probably be missed due to getting in here late but I'm quite proud.

When I lived at home after college, and parental boundaries were all screwed up, my dad went into my room to get my laundry out (he's, like, nurturing). I came home and found my a bottle of "hand cream" standing up on a shelf. Where it was not supposed to be. I was mortified and also really pissed off.

My dad later said something like, "I found a towel that had wax all over it". I'm pretty sure he had no idea what he picked up and I was not going to enlighten him.

Not a great day in the sully75 life.
posted by sully75 at 4:52 PM on May 6 [1 favorite]

on yourself, then clean up with a rag of your choosing.

i've always found it odd when guys ejaculate into a kleenex, the whole thing just seems very awkward and a little squeamish about your bodily fluids (which, to me at least, is a turn off)

i'm also having a hard time imagining a wank session straddling a toilet or over a sink, no lie.
posted by nadawi at 7:03 PM on May 6

Usually a condom.
Occasionally the Fleshlight.
posted by Sully at 7:21 PM on May 6

Muslin?
posted by saxamo at 10:26 PM on May 6

Nthing already worn clothes from/destined-for the hamper. Also, nthing over the toilet...not like doing it right there over the toilet (not very, uh, romantic), but doing it wherever and squeezing when finished and holding it until I can walk over to the bathroom and let loose. Separating the orgasm from the pop is kinda interesting.

I don't get how anybody can use a tissue as their main goto. I always end up with little pieces stuck on the head.
posted by and hosted from Uranus at 9:26 AM on May 7

Usually I just hit my chest and wipe it off with a piece of toilet paper. (Also never got what was up with all the name brand loyalty and using kleenex...)

Did it in the shower once. But the spunk ended up sticking to the shower grate and solidifying. Ended up having to pick it away with a toothpick... Not fun...

Eco-Friendly Technique
New technique I learned from watching Weeds... Use a Banana Peel.
posted by Redmond Cooper at 3:18 PM on May 7