How do I handle this very unorthodox relationship?

May 3, 2009 8:52 PM

I'm a 39 year old divorced man with a successful business. I've been in relationships with women all my life. A year ago, I met and started a relationship with an 18 year old man. I'm as in love with him as I was my wife in the early years, he's given me so much love and affection that I don't ever want to lose him. We both live straight lives and this is all in secret. I also love him enough that I know he has to live his life, the same chance I've had. How do I handle this?
posted by anonymous to society & culture (14 comments total)

Why do you mention that you have "a successful business"? IS there some contradiction or irony there that you see? Can you clarify its relevance?

Look, the gay thing is less of an issue, and will be less of an issue, than is your huge age difference, especially when this kid is mere days past jailbait. So part of "handling" this will be managing the derision you're going to get, not for being gay, but for being a chicken hawk.
posted by ethnomethodologist at 8:59 PM on May 3

I'm not sure I understand the question. Are you asking how to guarantee that you don't lose him? Because that's impossible. No one can make that guarantee. Just given his age, the chances of this relationship working out long-term are low, since most people don't end up staying forever with the person they date at 18.

If you're asking how to handle the secrecy, that's a different question entirely. Again, his age makes me think that his life is likely to change quite a bit in the next several years, and it's possible, if not likely, that he won't want to stay in the closet forever. But unless and until that day comes, keeping it a secret is simply a matter of not telling anyone about one another and not being together in non-platonic ways in places where others could discover you.

If your question is something else entirely, perhaps you should write back via a moderator and clarify.
posted by decathecting at 9:07 PM on May 3

One thing that I think you might be able to give him is some sort of understanding that the love you two share isn't somehow 'bad' simply because you're both men. From your question you seem rather uncomfortable about the idea that you have the capacity to love males as well as females; maybe the best thing you could do is somehow get across to him the fact that your relationship shouldn't have to be secret, that this is not a shameful encounter ... nobody should have to be anybody else's 'dirty little secret,' yeah?

In other words, I suppose that the best thing you can do to 'handle this' is whatever it takes for you to come to grips with the fact of your own sexuality, such that you can impart to him the realization that same-sex attraction is no better nor worse than opposite-sex attraction ... leave him feeling at least a little more comfortable with that idea, and I would say you're doing pretty well.
posted by DingoMutt at 9:15 PM on May 3 [2 favorites]

So, you fuck dudes. Welcome to the club. It's fun isn't it? Unless you have some sort of conflict of interests (like a puritanical church affiliation), this isn't something you need to be even a little bit ashamed of. You can run a business if you're queer (bi or gay or whatever). Even a successful business. Even if you're openly queer.

Were I you, I'd work to stop thinking of lives as "gay" and "straight". You just have a life, and you're living it, and loving a dude. I'm not saying you need to speak with a lisp and dress like a GC model. You don't need to go to the clubs. I'm just saying that your readily apparent shame about the gender of the person with whom you last got off isn't helping the situation. Get over it. This isn't 1965.

And, if you drop the shame, you gain the opportunity to live with him, or to consort in public, or to take a phonecall from him without playing wordgames.

The age gap is, perhaps, an issue. But, it's not impossible.
posted by Netzapper at 10:16 PM on May 3 [13 favorites]

Agree that the age difference is probably the biggest obstacle. You're in two VERY different places of life that will soon take you very different places - both physically and emotionally, along with every other way that matters. From the sound of it, neither of you are out - the question is whether you're comfortable with being out. That's why I suspect you mention the 'successful business' - will being out genuinely concern your customers / clients? Will you stand to lose business if you're no longer seen as a straight man? It may no longer be 1965, but depending on where you are in the country / world, it can sure as hell feel like it.

Whatever relationship you have together, I wish you luck. Remember that one can't hold back their partner from exploring whatever life has to offer. Be able (or at least willing) to let him go when / if the age thing becomes a huge deal-breaker - plenty of fish in the sea.
posted by chrisinseoul at 10:47 PM on May 3

"I also love him enough that I know he has to live his life, the same chance I've had."

Does this mean that you know 18 year olds have a lot of things they need to do and experience before they get locked into a stable relationship, and you're worried about how that can happen for him?

Sorry, but it's hard to figure out what your real question is here. Mail a mod with some more to flesh it out.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 10:47 PM on May 3 [1 favorite]

How do you handle this relationship?

Well, first off, living in the closet sucks. But I don't need to go into details.

That being said, take this relationship for the opportunity that it is. Let him be your guide into the young and hip, and you can be his mentor into more grown-up things he may not be paying attention to yet. That's just age-based stuff, I'm sure it would be the same if you were seeing an 18 year old female.

Being in a relationship with a guy doesn't mean anything about Who You Are at all. Don't start watching Will & Grace and Queer Eye For The Straight Guy and getting some picture of what "being gay" is, because while it's fun on television, it isn't real life. Was it Bill Engval who said that if it wasn't for the sex part, he'd love being gay, because it means you just get to hang out with 'the guys" all the time? Well, it's like that, only with the sex.

I'm unclear what you mean by "he has to live his life, the same chance I've had." Do you feel you are manipulating him into this relationship and he's not making his own choices? Are you afraid that you're keeping him from having "the wife and kids"? When I was 22, I was in a serious relationship with a 44 year old, and I can assure you that, on my part, I was doing what I wanted, what felt right, and never felt my life was not being lived or that somehow my chances were being wasted. I am fairly certain your friend / lover feels the same way.
posted by hippybear at 10:51 PM on May 3 [1 favorite]

In past decades, it has been shown that an age gap between two men can benefit a relationship (meaning, more stability). Whether that would still hold now, is an interesting question. Does the increased amount of acceptance make a difference, that way?

My own partner is 16 years my junior. I met him when he was doing his master's degree. After 12 years, things are still fantastic. It may be some help we live in Europe, where gay couples are accepted as normal, and allowed to marry (or something close).

Some would consider what I'm about to say "homophobic", but I think that's bullshit. So this guy is 18, and you're in love. Great! Keep it that way! You think he has to experience certain things? Some, yes. Others, maybe you do him a favor by steering him away from those? Especially if you're talking about the standard "gay scene". That all too often produced a lot of attitude, shallowness and cynicism. Why bother, if you can instead foster a long term relationship?

The age gap isn't something about which you should freak or fret about. Being accused of "chicken hawking"? Oh, puh-lease. Anyone makes that accusation in this context isn't worth giving attention. What matters is your relationship, and whether you two can grow together.

The greater concern is how your friend feels about the relationship. It can be very weird to be in a relationship with a guy that has always been "straight" in the past. It doesn't tend to feel secure, as you always are waiting to be told to get lost, and maybe worse (I've been the younger guy). Where one member of a couple feels insecure, trouble is sure to happen. Commitment sometimes needs to be spoken!
posted by Goofyy at 4:16 AM on May 4

Dan Savage's campsite rule (scroll to the bottom section) is worth checking out, but 'chicken hawk'? Come on, a bit harsh, don't you think?

If you're still married, you need to be honest with your wife about this. Other than that, your relationship is your business.
posted by futureisunwritten at 6:04 AM on May 4 [1 favorite]

It would be interesting to know why the OP feels he has to be in the closet in 2009. I'm surprised he was able to find a gay 18 year old who isn't out.

But I would also like to point out that the Greek philosophers considered the relationship between a grown man and a young man to be the highest form of love.

(At least, that's probably what they told their students. What they told their wives is not recorded.)
posted by musofire at 6:04 AM on May 4

How do I handle this?

Slowly, gently, and with honesty to yourself and your boyfriend. And you will probably be happier in the long term if you can come out to other people, too.

There's two separate things here; your relationship with another man, and your relationship with someone who is 18. They're not exactly separate things but it will probably help you to think of them separately. You'd also benefit a lot from having someone neutral to talk to. Can you find a good therapist to visit a few times and work out what's going on in your head?
posted by Nelson at 9:31 AM on May 4

You mention your "successful business" without qualifying the statement, so I can only assume that you think that plays some role in your dilemma. Are you concerned that being thought of as gay might hurt your business? Is this your reason for keeping the relationship secret? Or is the business thing a red herring and the true concern is that he is only 18 and you want him while knowing that he has a lot of experiences ahead of him before he should commit to you? Yes, we need some clarification about your concerns. I'm with the others that

1) being gay is not shameful
2) being 20 years older than your love interest could pose a cultural gap as well as prevent him from wanting to commit himself to you
3) keep in mind that we cannot have everything we fall in love with. This may work out or it may not, but enjoy what you both have now without trying to "own" anything.
posted by Piscean at 10:06 AM on May 4

follow up form the OP

I'm the original poster of this question, all of this is really incredible and I had alot of faith in the Mefi community. I asked the question broadly because all of this is new territory, but I got answers to all my questions, the bi thing, the age thing, campsite issues, etc. I do think relationships either evolve or dissolve and that if I allow this one to evolve into great friends or more of a father/son thing, we could continue to grow this. He's never had a father and I don't have my own children.

My family are very religious and would freak knowing about this. In fact, I told them I'm dating someone very young and I wanted to keep it private. I broke up with my girlfriend when I started the relationship with him out of fairness to her. I do still need and want intimate female companionship but have resorted to hookers for that now. Still, having this young man to love has been a very high form of love to experience and is on equal footing with my love for a woman. The sex has been on his terms, infrequent but mindblowing in its own right.

I wrote about my business if only to indicate that I'm sane, sober but still making very unorthodox choices that are generally speaking a deal-breaker for many people that aren't open to this kind of love. I'm trying to be careful, don't want anyone to be hurt, most of all him or my family.

posted by jessamyn at 11:54 AM on May 4 [1 favorite]

Um, this: "I do think relationships either evolve or dissolve and that if I allow this one to evolve into great friends or more of a father/son thing, we could continue to grow this. He's never had a father and I don't have my own children."

That's a little weird. If you've fucked this dude, you should not turn this into a father/son thing--that's going to screw his head right the fuck up. And it's not going to do much for your head to think of this dude who's had his lips wrapped around your cock as your adoptive son.

I'd let this relationship play out. I'd try to remain friends after the breakup--and there probably will be one. You can certainly teach this fellow a lot about life. But, do it as a friend. Turning this into some paternal thing feels downright icky. And your desire to pursue such a path makes me wonder if it's not the extreme youth (and naiveté) that attracts you to this person in the first place.

I'd work on the shame first. You need to be able to discuss this relationship, at least with yourself and your man, without any hangups. You don't need to announce your newfound sexuality at the family dinner table--it's not really their business. But, you should be honest with yourself and learn to embrace this part of you. (I'm saying this as a married bisexual man, by the way.) Having done this, you may find that you easily have the courage to go see a movie with your dude (or some future dude, should that happen).

You don't sound like you're dealing in bad faith with anybody. Your family doesn't necessarily need to know about everybody you're dating, especially if that person's gender would upset them unduly. But, by being so shamefully secretive (as opposed to playfully secretive, or just discreet) as it sounds you're acting, you're doing a disservice to this dude in regards to his feelings about his sexuality. He needs to feel free to be open and honest with his friends and family, if that's what he wants.
posted by Netzapper at 2:37 PM on May 4