Am I a jerk for wanting my Dad to find his own place, six months after his house burned down?

March 10, 2009 6:36 AM

My father lost his wife and home to a fire. He's been living with us for six months and now I need to nudge him toward finding his own place. Am I a heartless bastard?

In my defense, there are just a number of factors that make the living situation a bit strained. We (wife, 5yo boy, 2 big elderly dogs and myself) live in an 1100 sq ft cape cod. My wife works from home, so one of the bedrooms is her office (used to be *my* home office). My Dad is retired and fairly anti-social so he's ALWAYS home.

My Mom had been very sick for years, so her passing is somewhat of a blessing, but I feel for my Dad's impending loneliness. However, his constant presence is starting to wear on us.

Am I being selfish? I'm shamelessly looking for re-assurance that I'm not, but sincerely want to know if I am.

posted by likeSoy to human relations (20 comments total)

Why not help him with some of the problems, without nudging him out the door? For example, help him get active in his community or with a group of friends, help him find hobbies and interests to keep him busy, and help him find a support system for his grief?

Imagine if you lost your family, belongings, and home all at once. It would take more than 6 months to pull yourself together!
posted by Houstonian at 6:45 AM on March 10, 2009

I don't think you're being selfish. I think you're looking out for the rest of your family.

But I would approach the question with an open mind to the solution. E.g. it would work if your Dad moved out. But you'd probably be okay if he just got a volunteer job to take him out of the house during the day. Or, do you have room to build him a cottage out back.

He's had a shattering loss. But sitting around the house won't help him, either. He needs something to do with himself. And you need him to do something. I don't think it's unreasonable to push him to restart his life.
posted by musofire at 6:53 AM on March 10, 2009

Well, I'll meet you half way. He's got hobbies, and I'll continue to take him out to do stuff, but will try to find clubs for him to check out and activities with others. Historically, he's a bit of a loner, but who knows? We've explored grief counseling and groups, but he wasn't interested. I'll bring it up again. None of this is mutually exclusive to him finding his own place (which was always the plan, BTW.)

Imagine if you lost your family, belongings, and home all at once. It would take more than 6 months to pull yourself together!

Umm, not to be too harsh, but that was my mother that died. I'm nothing if not empathetic and sympathetic. That doesn't change what resources I have to give, though.
posted by likeSoy at 7:06 AM on March 10, 2009 [2 favorites]

My Dad is retired and fairly anti-social so he's ALWAYS home.

He's lost his wife and his home. I don't know that he sounds so much anti-social as he does depressed. I'm sure he too wants to be back on his feet, but may not know how to do it (especially considering the loss of his partner). It's going to take much longer than six months for him to recover from his staggering loss. He needs help to do it, and he's lucky that he has a son such as yourself that can help him as you have.

With that said, no, you are not being selfish - you are simply trying to do what's right for your wife and child. Guide him back to where he needs to be, as kindly as possible. If you rush him out he'll feel he's lost his home, wife, and his son. Try getting him out of the house first in a part-time job or volunteer work, and encourage any friendships that may arise. Encourage him to attend grief support groups consisting of outside sources, to help him through his loss and lessen your own load.

And make sure you take care of yourself and your family - you guys have had the loss of a mother and grandmother. Don't get so caught up in taking care of your father that you guys forget to take care of each other.
posted by sephira at 7:12 AM on March 10, 2009

I went through a bereavement period of one year which basically consisted of me watching TV. I simply did not have the energy to do anything else. Perhaps your father needs more assistance towards getting his own place? I don't think it is selfish of you to want him out, but it would be selfish to throw him out. So the question is how do you obtain your goal?

Slowly and with much love and understanding introduce the idea and start asissting him towards the goal of getting his own space. He has lost everything and is no doubt clinging to you and your family like a life raft in an ocean of uncertainty, so you should constantly reassure him of your love and support. Tell him that you will always be there for him and he will always be welcome in your home but that it is time to start looking for his own space. Don't expect him to do all (any?) of the footwork on his own. If it upsets him, just gently remind him of all the currant issues and tell him how you are sure he will be happier in the end to have his own home where he can have peace and quiet and do as he pleases.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 7:23 AM on March 10, 2009

likeSoy, I apologize. I was too blunt. Like you, I lost my mother, and I know it hurts, a lot. I remember my dad at that time, though. For about a year, we were almost like zombies -- just going through the motions, with nothing but heaviness in our hearts. I only meant, try to be patient with him at this time because both of you are going through a lot.

He's probably getting a lot out of being in a home, surrounded by loving people and a grandson, and comfortable surroundings. It must be terrifying for him to think of going to a home without the familiar things he used to own, and sitting alone in that new place.

So, what I meant (but said too flippantly) was, my suggestion is to help him overcome some of those things, so he'll be better able to face the world alone: hobbies, people, etc., even though he's antisocial (and probably more withdrawn these days, if that's his tendency anyway).

Although it was sometimes difficult, looking back I never regret the time I spent with my dad after my mom died. It helped us create a bond that is so much stronger, because we supported each other and got through our grief together. But, my circumstances were different: I was going through a divorce at the same time, and didn't have a child.

I guess, from my experience I'd say the best thing to do is to do all you can... but naturally, if you've reached a point where something is not doable, then you don't do that.
posted by Houstonian at 7:24 AM on March 10, 2009

How about having your father do things, babysit etc. for your son? He gets companionship and comfort, your son gets the joy of his grandfather, and you get a break! Encourage your son to ask your father to take him places, get them to establish a routine of going to the playground etc. Regarding him moving out - if a cottage out back doesn't work, how about a place around the corner so he can drop by and so your son can visit him by himself?
posted by zia at 7:27 AM on March 10, 2009 [2 favorites]

I don't see any angle of this story whereby you come off looking like a jerk, so put that out of your mind.

I'm speaking with absolutely no experience at all in this type of situation, but its probably important to determine why he's still at your house. Does he have the money to get his own place? Does he just want to be close to family? For that matter, does he just need anybody around to keep from going crazy with silence? And has the fire made him feel unsafe, particularly if alone? Or is he just in a comfortable rut that is protecting him from the risks that come with moving on?

Maybe look for a home/apartment nearby your place so that he can get his feet back under him but still lean on your family for support when needed.
posted by wabashbdw at 7:28 AM on March 10, 2009

Also, I'm very sorry for your loss.
posted by wabashbdw at 7:29 AM on March 10, 2009

Not to wax too philosophical here, but I kind of get the feeling that some of this is about you, too. It seems to me that not only are you dealing with the loss of your mother and the newish responsibility of caring for your father, but also that you don't have much that is your own (you no longer have a home office) or doesn't require a lot of work (a young child, elderly pets). So, considering this, I think you should look at this from two angles.

The first angle is that your father needs a way to healthily deal with his depression. Depending on the kind of person your father is, this may or may not be easy; he may not even want to directly discuss it. What will probably be the safest bet is to slowly push him back into the realities of life--i.e., things that require effort. It sounds like he feels pretty aimless right now, and his lack of activity is reflecting that.

Get him to do more around the house. If you've got a project you've needed/wanted help on, but haven't gotten around to, get him to help with it one weekend. Involve him; make him work his mind and, if possible, his body. I'm not saying take advantage or anything, but if you can use some help, don't hesitate to ask him for it. You say your mother was sick, so that means your father was used to having lots to see to and do. He would probably benefit from having a lot of little to large tasks that could occupy his mind and give him back some of what he's lost, in a small way.

Also try to encourage him to get involved in some sort of community effort, either by volunteering or (if his age/stage of life warrants it) going to a center where there are lots of activities each week. If it's the latter, consider volunteering at one yourself to encourage him to go. He would find a lot of people there, volunteer or not, who could relate to his situation.

The second angle is to deal with yourself; this one you have more control over. This situation would probably not be nearly as draining on you if you didn't already have a fairly full, busy and responsibility-laden life. From what you've said, though, you do have that. If you don't already, I'd consider some sort of downtime through a hobby or going somewhere once or twice a week with your wife. (Your father could babysit.)

From what you've said, I don't know that your father is emotionally ready to move out, but he probably does need some help getting out of the rut he's in; that will likely lead him in the right direction. If you find he's still there in four to six months, I'd talk to him about moving out. You can't put time on his grief, but you can't really care for your grieving, antisocial father when you have so many other things going on, too. I think you will find, though, that if he finds some outlet, either by working around the house or meeting people, he will be ready to move quickly or will at least be easier to have around.

I don't think you're being selfish. I think you're just unsure of what to do, given the delicate situation. Don't be hard on yourself. You're grieving amongst all of this, too, and I'm sure it's not easy.
posted by metalheart at 7:31 AM on March 10, 2009 [2 favorites]

Thanks to everyone for this very helpful advice and experience, it's really helping to find the right approach. I should mention that he's ALWAYS been a loner with no activities outside of work. Maybe not anti-social but asocial or non-social, if those are real words.

Houstonian, no problem and thanks especially for being so open.
posted by likeSoy at 7:32 AM on March 10, 2009

You are not being heartless. In fact, you may be doing him the biggest, if toughest, favor (repayment) of your lives together: forcing him to start getting on with the rest of his life.

Kindness isn't always sweet. Caring isn't always giving. (Cue the music...) Cruel to be kind, in the right fashion.

I'm not suggesting a sudden break, or that this can't backfire - thus, in the right fashion.
posted by IAmBroom at 8:33 AM on March 10, 2009 [1 favorite]

You mentioned that it was always the plan for him to get his own place eventually. What was the conversation--how specific did it get? And do you know anything about his finances? (As we are all aware, many retirees' savings have taken a hit recently...)

Although I can't speak from personal experience, I certainly don't think you're a heartless bastard. I generally agree with the "slowly move towards a transition" thoughts voiced earlier in this post. By asking these questions, I'm just trying to think about what expectations your father might hold, and/or any constraints that might not have come up yet.
posted by Herkimer at 9:16 AM on March 10, 2009

One thing that stands out is that you mention you take him to places for his hobbies. Is he dependent upon others to get him around town? Is this something that can or will change? It could be that he's not going out more because he doesn't want to impose more upon your time or make himself feel more like a burden to you.
posted by onhazier at 10:26 AM on March 10, 2009

Good luck to you. If anything living together has been a good thing. It may not seem like it right now, but it is a sensitive time, and good to share that with your father no matter how difficult it can seem.
posted by infinitefloatingbrains at 11:08 AM on March 10, 2009

My only question to you would be, does he have a realistic OTHER living solution to go to right now?
posted by watercarrier at 11:23 AM on March 10, 2009

Suggestions for your dad/son: sometimes the activities at centres feel condescending to someone with all their faculties, so maybe activities they can do together?

Depending if your child is still in school or not, consider
- getting them a pass to an indoor play area (since it is winter)
- parent/child playgroup
- zoo
- library reading circles; some are parent/child, some are stories for kids while adults socialize, browse, or watch films in another room
- local parks/rec class (there are parent child ones here for painting, pottery/clay sculpting, one that has the kids doing tumbling or swimming while the parents chitchat). Even if they are activities your dad has never expressed interest in, he might be okay with doing it "just for my grandson"- my grandfather pretended to be reluctant to take my little cousins to their parent/child clay group (modelling and such) but I think he enjoyed it as much as they did.

Perhaps requesting he make dinner once in awhile? Something your mom used to make maybe? Familiar things like that can be really nice, and by looking after your son and contributing to the family, he's 'part of the group' again. It's possible he feels like an outsider coming into your small family unit that functioned perfectly fine without him and without any way to contribute.

Start making plans for him to move out, with small projects, including things that will make a new place more familiar; put together a recipe book of things he likes to eat, have him go through your photo albums so he can make his own of past events, either taking spare copies or having copies made of ones he likes. Any household things he wants to be exactly the same (furniture, comforter/sheet set, dishes). On the other hand, maybe he wants an entirely new start.

The space of your home is almost beside the point I think; it's simply that someone new has come into the space you are used to sharing with certain people. It would probably feel crowded with 11 000sq feet. I'm very sorry for your loss, and I'll second all the posters above who encourage you to give yourself lots of time and don't forget to look after yourself.
posted by variella at 11:35 AM on March 10, 2009

Hmm. If the issue is sincerely just space, I'm wondering, would you guys have any interest in moving into a place where he could live in a so-called "granny cottage" ("gramps cottage" in your case) out back?
posted by salvia at 2:45 PM on March 10, 2009

Lot's of great suggestions above, but here's one more: How about renting a small office in a local commercial building? My wife and I solved a lot of problems by getting all of our business out of the house. Our home life was a lot calmer. Maybe granddad could look after your son while your wife gets out of the house?
Really sorry for your loss. I can relate. I lost my adult sister in a house fire. It simply takes time.
posted by Carmody'sPrize at 3:27 PM on March 10, 2009

No.
posted by The Monkey at 8:52 PM on March 10, 2009