Where does the thinker go, when the life of the mind is no longer tenable?
April 9, 2010 3:06 PM Subscribe
Does depression affect mental dexterity? What can be done to work with this impression of intellectual stagnation?
Dear Metafilter: I think I have lost my mind. I don't know what to do.
I am a twenty one year old female whose identity has almost exclusively taken shape within the cerebral and cloistered existence of the Academy, in pursuit of a degree in Philosophy and Comparative Literature. For several years, I took refuge in the thought of attending graduate school and becoming a professor, in always being surrounded by the tomes of Plato and Heidegger. Discourse theory became my life and, accordingly, I drew the attention of an eminent scholar precisely in my desired area of study. He became my mentor and everything seemed to come together beautifully.
That was last year. Today, I struggle with coherent conversation and am sometimes borderline unintelligible: I find myself grasping at words and my way of speaking is often mortifyingly halted. Multiple times a day, I make a concerted effort to push away the feeling that a vital part of me has already died and struggle with the uncanny impression of hovering over myself, dissociated from the moving world. I am suddenly affected by childhood memories of (familial) emotional and physical abuse that had my studies in abstraction had enabled me to bracket off. I misremember my psychological appointments, despite the fact that they have been at the same time and day for several months. When I attend my seminars, I am entirely elsewhere and can only transcribe notes mechanically, as if the lecture was in another language to be later translated by a part of myself that has indefinitely taken leave. I can't finish a simple article. I don't think I can finish my semester, as all that I am doing is going through the motions. All I think about now is selling my possessions, retreating from the city, and taking flight into some far-flung wilderness like the free spirits of yore.
I write for the reassurance others have experienced a comparable situation and to ask what they have done to address the sense of being locked out of their mind to the degree that that the (social and conceptual) connections to the world that they had previously sustained are impaired. What can I do to get better?
Dear Metafilter: I think I have lost my mind. I don't know what to do.
I am a twenty one year old female whose identity has almost exclusively taken shape within the cerebral and cloistered existence of the Academy, in pursuit of a degree in Philosophy and Comparative Literature. For several years, I took refuge in the thought of attending graduate school and becoming a professor, in always being surrounded by the tomes of Plato and Heidegger. Discourse theory became my life and, accordingly, I drew the attention of an eminent scholar precisely in my desired area of study. He became my mentor and everything seemed to come together beautifully.
That was last year. Today, I struggle with coherent conversation and am sometimes borderline unintelligible: I find myself grasping at words and my way of speaking is often mortifyingly halted. Multiple times a day, I make a concerted effort to push away the feeling that a vital part of me has already died and struggle with the uncanny impression of hovering over myself, dissociated from the moving world. I am suddenly affected by childhood memories of (familial) emotional and physical abuse that had my studies in abstraction had enabled me to bracket off. I misremember my psychological appointments, despite the fact that they have been at the same time and day for several months. When I attend my seminars, I am entirely elsewhere and can only transcribe notes mechanically, as if the lecture was in another language to be later translated by a part of myself that has indefinitely taken leave. I can't finish a simple article. I don't think I can finish my semester, as all that I am doing is going through the motions. All I think about now is selling my possessions, retreating from the city, and taking flight into some far-flung wilderness like the free spirits of yore.
I write for the reassurance others have experienced a comparable situation and to ask what they have done to address the sense of being locked out of their mind to the degree that that the (social and conceptual) connections to the world that they had previously sustained are impaired. What can I do to get better?
Campus mental health center. Now. (They may also run some simple blood tests for thyroid, etc.)
posted by availablelight at 3:14 PM on April 9, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by availablelight at 3:14 PM on April 9, 2010 [1 favorite]
(Yes, I see you have therapy appointments, but the place to lay all this out is there, with a doctor. You deserve the best help you can get with this, and it sounds like treatment isn't working yet.)
posted by availablelight at 3:16 PM on April 9, 2010
posted by availablelight at 3:16 PM on April 9, 2010
Yes, this is one manifestation of depression. Yes, depression can impair a once sharp mind. Yes, it can make it so that things that were once easy to understand exist at the periphery frustratingly just out of grasp. Yes, getting out of depression makes a huge, huge difference.
Please, do your best to make your appointments.
posted by plinth at 3:17 PM on April 9, 2010
Please, do your best to make your appointments.
posted by plinth at 3:17 PM on April 9, 2010
Nthing depression. Please contact your psychiatrist/therapist immediately and tell him/her what you've said here.
All I think about now is selling my possessions, retreating from the city, and taking flight into some far-flung wilderness like the free spirits of yore.
This, in particular, is concerning.
posted by devinemissk at 3:22 PM on April 9, 2010
All I think about now is selling my possessions, retreating from the city, and taking flight into some far-flung wilderness like the free spirits of yore.
This, in particular, is concerning.
posted by devinemissk at 3:22 PM on April 9, 2010
Wow. Well, you are not alone. About a month ago, none other than a MeFi post about a girl beaten to death by her parents suddenly and shockingly brought back a childhood's worth of memories or being hit by my parents in the same emotionally/mentally/physically abusive ways. (I'd link to my comment on that post, but to tell the truth, it still makes me sick to my stomach to even think about it so I can't even bring myself to search for it. Sorry. Like I said, you're not alone.) A week later I was in the same state as you describe, and have been since.
Have you tried calling your therapist (now) to tell them what you just said? If not, please do that. I sense that you may be in a worse place than what you're letting through your post here.
By the way, I studied French lit and language, with a strong dose of comp lit and anthropology... Anyway. Feel free to drop me a MeMail if you want (in my profile). Sorry I can't be more coherent about ways to help, other than keeping up with therapy as best you can, and contacting your therapist when you get to spots like this. Don't feel guilty about it... trust that they know what to do and how to handle it. Take care as best you can.
posted by fraula at 3:22 PM on April 9, 2010
Have you tried calling your therapist (now) to tell them what you just said? If not, please do that. I sense that you may be in a worse place than what you're letting through your post here.
By the way, I studied French lit and language, with a strong dose of comp lit and anthropology... Anyway. Feel free to drop me a MeMail if you want (in my profile). Sorry I can't be more coherent about ways to help, other than keeping up with therapy as best you can, and contacting your therapist when you get to spots like this. Don't feel guilty about it... trust that they know what to do and how to handle it. Take care as best you can.
posted by fraula at 3:22 PM on April 9, 2010
i am like a broken record these days about vitamin d deficiency and lyme disease. if you are in a ticky area, consider getting checked for lyme. consider also getting your d checked. good luck.
posted by lakersfan1222 at 3:26 PM on April 9, 2010
posted by lakersfan1222 at 3:26 PM on April 9, 2010
When I was depressed I definitely felt and acted like this. Fixing the depression really helped, then it took a few years of just working at being myself for it to come back fully. I was left with weird effects where I couldn't remember nouns and blanked out half way through sentences and since I was mentally healthy otherwise I actually figured that was how it would be forever, but even that went away. In the end getting a high pressure job in my field of choice was what got me 100% back on track, but I had to work up to that: first working in a menial job, then finishing my MSc, then working in a lower level job in the right area, then the high power one, then more MSc level education to regain confidence followed by PhD enrolment. Now I'm in the final throes of my PhD and am as successful as I would have been had the depression never happened, it's just several years later than I'd originally planned.
And FWIW I'm permanently cured, this is something that will never happen to me again. There are several reasons why I know this. Partially because I've been in much harder situations since and thrived. Partially because I learnt so much during that time that I know how to avoid it now. And partially just because I know, everything works now and is right when it wasn't really before I got sick.
So yeah, first thing is go to a Doctor if you haven't already. This isn't a normal sign of aging or just something that happens, there will be a cause (which could well be depression) and it will be treatable. Work on getting that treatment (for me it was Prozac and counselling). You're not permanently broken, you proved that with your previous performance, but it will likely take time and effort to get everything back again. In the end the extra months or years won't matter, I promise, and it's worth putting in the effort now so you can live out your dreams later.
posted by shelleycat at 3:27 PM on April 9, 2010
And FWIW I'm permanently cured, this is something that will never happen to me again. There are several reasons why I know this. Partially because I've been in much harder situations since and thrived. Partially because I learnt so much during that time that I know how to avoid it now. And partially just because I know, everything works now and is right when it wasn't really before I got sick.
So yeah, first thing is go to a Doctor if you haven't already. This isn't a normal sign of aging or just something that happens, there will be a cause (which could well be depression) and it will be treatable. Work on getting that treatment (for me it was Prozac and counselling). You're not permanently broken, you proved that with your previous performance, but it will likely take time and effort to get everything back again. In the end the extra months or years won't matter, I promise, and it's worth putting in the effort now so you can live out your dreams later.
posted by shelleycat at 3:27 PM on April 9, 2010
I should also mention that I start feeling dumb and fuzzy when I'm iron deficient. So, as others have mentioned, definitely visit the Dr and rule out medical causes if you haven't already.
posted by shelleycat at 3:30 PM on April 9, 2010
posted by shelleycat at 3:30 PM on April 9, 2010
All I think about now is selling my possessions, retreating from the city, and taking flight into some far-flung wilderness like the free spirits of yore.
This isn't going to help at all if your problem is physical and/or psychological. Go to your primary care provider and tell them about your symptoms (print out your question as it is here if you're afraid you'll forget to mention something - show it to your psychologist as well); you may need a referral to a specialist (neurologist, psychiatrist). You're smart. Start with doing the obvious: doctor doctor doctor.
posted by rtha at 3:44 PM on April 9, 2010
This isn't going to help at all if your problem is physical and/or psychological. Go to your primary care provider and tell them about your symptoms (print out your question as it is here if you're afraid you'll forget to mention something - show it to your psychologist as well); you may need a referral to a specialist (neurologist, psychiatrist). You're smart. Start with doing the obvious: doctor doctor doctor.
posted by rtha at 3:44 PM on April 9, 2010
This happened to me while I was studying Comp Lit in grad school. It's very, very difficult to feel coming up with nothing where your intelligence and passion once were, and when rare academic opportunities are present and you're on an upward trajectory and you can't believe your good fortune. Basically, when need them the most. You have my deepest sympathies.
I knew I had to see a doctor when nothing moved me anymore and I could no longer understand what I was reading (even it if was Heidegger :) ). I saw a therapist through the university and from his advice, saw a psychiatrist. At my psychiatrist's recommendation, I took a medical leave of absence.
I don't know if I have good advice to offer - it's been 5 years and don't feel that I've fully recovered yet. On the other hand, you are much younger than I was when this happened to me. What I can say from experience is this:
1. See a therapist, a physical doctor and a psychiatrist. Be completely honest with all three; what you are experiencing may or may not be due to depression. It could be your thyroid, as mentioned above. Even if depression is a part of it, this may not be 'straightforward' depression (I was diagnosed as bipolar (II). This doesn't mean you will be, of course).
2. If it's possible, avoid stress of all kinds. Your mind needs a rest. Don't keep picking at it like a scab (this is what I did). Doing this will only slow your recovery.
3. This is the most important one. Do not be ashamed. Don't let the little voices in your head convince you that you're a failure, that you're not smart enough, etc. Likewise, do not let other people convince you that there is nothing wrong with you, that you're simply over-thinking things, that you'll only ruin your mind by going on medications, etc. You know yourself better than they do. Never believe otherwise.
4. It's ok not to be quite who or what you thought you were.
5. When there is no life in the mind, go to the life of the body.
Best wishes to you. Feel free to memail me if you like.
posted by kitcat at 3:55 PM on April 9, 2010 [6 favorites]
I knew I had to see a doctor when nothing moved me anymore and I could no longer understand what I was reading (even it if was Heidegger :) ). I saw a therapist through the university and from his advice, saw a psychiatrist. At my psychiatrist's recommendation, I took a medical leave of absence.
I don't know if I have good advice to offer - it's been 5 years and don't feel that I've fully recovered yet. On the other hand, you are much younger than I was when this happened to me. What I can say from experience is this:
1. See a therapist, a physical doctor and a psychiatrist. Be completely honest with all three; what you are experiencing may or may not be due to depression. It could be your thyroid, as mentioned above. Even if depression is a part of it, this may not be 'straightforward' depression (I was diagnosed as bipolar (II). This doesn't mean you will be, of course).
2. If it's possible, avoid stress of all kinds. Your mind needs a rest. Don't keep picking at it like a scab (this is what I did). Doing this will only slow your recovery.
3. This is the most important one. Do not be ashamed. Don't let the little voices in your head convince you that you're a failure, that you're not smart enough, etc. Likewise, do not let other people convince you that there is nothing wrong with you, that you're simply over-thinking things, that you'll only ruin your mind by going on medications, etc. You know yourself better than they do. Never believe otherwise.
4. It's ok not to be quite who or what you thought you were.
5. When there is no life in the mind, go to the life of the body.
Best wishes to you. Feel free to memail me if you like.
posted by kitcat at 3:55 PM on April 9, 2010 [6 favorites]
Depression can do this -- but also don't forget sleep loss.
Mind you, I'm not saying that as an "instead of", but as an "as well as". I've learned through experience that when I don't get enough sleep, I definitely am mentally duller.
So yes, keep up the therapist appointments, but do make sure you're also getting enough sleep. I noticed the workload you talked about last year, and that sounds an awful lot like the schedule I was keeping up my last year as a stage manager (only about 6 hours of sleep each night).
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:38 PM on April 9, 2010
Mind you, I'm not saying that as an "instead of", but as an "as well as". I've learned through experience that when I don't get enough sleep, I definitely am mentally duller.
So yes, keep up the therapist appointments, but do make sure you're also getting enough sleep. I noticed the workload you talked about last year, and that sounds an awful lot like the schedule I was keeping up my last year as a stage manager (only about 6 hours of sleep each night).
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:38 PM on April 9, 2010
I struggle with coherent conversation and am sometimes borderline unintelligible: I find myself grasping at words and my way of speaking is often mortifyingly halted.
You are not losing your mind. This exact same thing happened to me during my doctorate studies, during an undiagnosed depression. Stupid, because it had happened before to me, but I just couldn't link this aphasia, my almost complete ineloquence, to being depressed.
It got better, my academic career is going well, and I can speak with perfect fluency in public now, even in difficult situations. But I did need help: go and see a good doctor and get yourself well.
posted by cromagnon at 5:36 PM on April 9, 2010 [1 favorite]
You are not losing your mind. This exact same thing happened to me during my doctorate studies, during an undiagnosed depression. Stupid, because it had happened before to me, but I just couldn't link this aphasia, my almost complete ineloquence, to being depressed.
It got better, my academic career is going well, and I can speak with perfect fluency in public now, even in difficult situations. But I did need help: go and see a good doctor and get yourself well.
posted by cromagnon at 5:36 PM on April 9, 2010 [1 favorite]
Get your iron and your thyroid levels checked.
posted by Jacqueline at 7:35 PM on April 9, 2010
posted by Jacqueline at 7:35 PM on April 9, 2010
Though I'm no expert in psychology, I do know that depression can cause cognitive deficits. (There is a wealth of scholarship on this topic online. You can find an overview of the topic here.) But keep in mind that it can also warp your perception of yourself. Depressed people who were once brimmming with confidence can become convinced that they are ugly, loathsome, incompetent and stupid. I have no doubt that the academic work you once did with ease now seems onerous, or perhaps impossible. But that may be more a reflection of your mood state than a result of diminished intellectual capacity. The lucid, expressive way you composed your question suggests you haven't lost your facility with words. I suspect you are still a very intelligent person, even if you don't have the focus or energy to accomplish much right now.
Regardless of why you're having such a hard time, it sucks. Speak with your therapist or a psychiatrist about your concerns. Seek effective treatment for your mental health issues. If you think you need to take time away from school, speak with an academic adviser. Don't sell all your possessions. But in the meantime, be mindful that you may not be perceiving yourself accurately and patient with yourself when you don't meet your exacting standards. Don't berate yourself. Your haven't lost your mind. You have a problem that can be fixed. Try to believe that.
posted by reren at 8:11 PM on April 9, 2010 [3 favorites]
Regardless of why you're having such a hard time, it sucks. Speak with your therapist or a psychiatrist about your concerns. Seek effective treatment for your mental health issues. If you think you need to take time away from school, speak with an academic adviser. Don't sell all your possessions. But in the meantime, be mindful that you may not be perceiving yourself accurately and patient with yourself when you don't meet your exacting standards. Don't berate yourself. Your haven't lost your mind. You have a problem that can be fixed. Try to believe that.
posted by reren at 8:11 PM on April 9, 2010 [3 favorites]
I’ve read a lot (for a layperson) of books on depression. I’d say their explanations and treatments could be classified along two continua: External/Behavior - Internal/Belief and Classical/Spiritual - Contemporary/Psychological (each book could be a point them on a two-axis chart). They all have some merit to me. Here are some random observations I’ve picked up from them:
- Depression can definitely slow thinking . This has been covered well by other posters. The good news is that curing depression, while good in itself, also improves (restores) mental ability. It can mean studying less for better grades, for an example.
- Depression is caused in part by a lot of vicious cycles that need to be broken. Attitudes of low self-worth lead to poor self-treatment, then back to low self-worth. Negative or aloof behavior towards others is often reciprocated, reinforcing that behavior. Breaking these cycles is really hard, but essential.
- There’s a popular attitude among self-help gurus that people subconsciously choose to be depressed: No one can make you miserable without your consent. It has a lot of truth in my opinion (but not absolutely). In studies of antidepressant medications, placebos fare very well. Sugar pills are enough to act as a crutch to push out depressive attitudes. It also emphasizes that depression exists solely as a person’s disproportionate response to life, and not life events themselves (which may cause normal sadness). This is why a change of scenery, chucking it all and moving elsewhere seldom improves real depression (I can speak from experience). If the depression is cured by a vacation, then it wasn’t depression in the first place.
- There’s convincing evidence that depression has genetic origins. Identical twins with family histories of depression, who are adopted by different families have atypical rates of depression despite sometimes healthy upbringings. Some of us are wired for depression, and thus we _can_ be miserable without our consent.
- Genetics lead to physiology, which suggests depression can be medicated (maybe obvious, but I just wanted to lay it clearly). From my readings, there’s broad consensus that medication helps severe depression significantly most of the time. Many doctors are unconvinced that it helps mild depression though.
- Depression can be masked by various defense mechanism. One I used a lot when I was younger was intellectualization. These are false cures and in my just let the depression smolder more.
Books I recommend:
Academic
The Loss of Sadness, Horwitz and Wakefield (the psychologist authors argue that normal, healthy sadness is often misconstrued as depression)
Loneliness, Cacioppo and Patrick (authors also psychologists, about the physical harms of depression comparable to that of smoking or heart disease, with many case studies of depressive people)
Self-Help
How to Stop Worrying and Start Living, Carnegie (a little trite and glib, but valuable and easy to read)
Messages: The Communication Skills Book, McKay (this book, while not about depression, emphasizes the connection between communication and emotions. It’s not a book about about giving speeches.)
Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy, Burns (written by a Stanford psychologist, has a useful section on medications)
Spiritual
The Untethered Soul, Singer (basically tells you to chill out and accept the lack of control that comes with life)
The Miracle of Mindfulness, Hanh (emphasizes living in the moment, not being lost in the future or dwelling on the past)
I’ll let Amazon summarize them further. This post is a little rambling, but I hope some parts are useful. Feel free to send me a MeMail about my own experiences with depression. I identify a lot with the experiences you mention, especially when I was in grad school.
posted by mnemonic at 10:02 PM on April 9, 2010 [4 favorites]
- Depression can definitely slow thinking . This has been covered well by other posters. The good news is that curing depression, while good in itself, also improves (restores) mental ability. It can mean studying less for better grades, for an example.
- Depression is caused in part by a lot of vicious cycles that need to be broken. Attitudes of low self-worth lead to poor self-treatment, then back to low self-worth. Negative or aloof behavior towards others is often reciprocated, reinforcing that behavior. Breaking these cycles is really hard, but essential.
- There’s a popular attitude among self-help gurus that people subconsciously choose to be depressed: No one can make you miserable without your consent. It has a lot of truth in my opinion (but not absolutely). In studies of antidepressant medications, placebos fare very well. Sugar pills are enough to act as a crutch to push out depressive attitudes. It also emphasizes that depression exists solely as a person’s disproportionate response to life, and not life events themselves (which may cause normal sadness). This is why a change of scenery, chucking it all and moving elsewhere seldom improves real depression (I can speak from experience). If the depression is cured by a vacation, then it wasn’t depression in the first place.
- There’s convincing evidence that depression has genetic origins. Identical twins with family histories of depression, who are adopted by different families have atypical rates of depression despite sometimes healthy upbringings. Some of us are wired for depression, and thus we _can_ be miserable without our consent.
- Genetics lead to physiology, which suggests depression can be medicated (maybe obvious, but I just wanted to lay it clearly). From my readings, there’s broad consensus that medication helps severe depression significantly most of the time. Many doctors are unconvinced that it helps mild depression though.
- Depression can be masked by various defense mechanism. One I used a lot when I was younger was intellectualization. These are false cures and in my just let the depression smolder more.
Books I recommend:
Academic
The Loss of Sadness, Horwitz and Wakefield (the psychologist authors argue that normal, healthy sadness is often misconstrued as depression)
Loneliness, Cacioppo and Patrick (authors also psychologists, about the physical harms of depression comparable to that of smoking or heart disease, with many case studies of depressive people)
Self-Help
How to Stop Worrying and Start Living, Carnegie (a little trite and glib, but valuable and easy to read)
Messages: The Communication Skills Book, McKay (this book, while not about depression, emphasizes the connection between communication and emotions. It’s not a book about about giving speeches.)
Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy, Burns (written by a Stanford psychologist, has a useful section on medications)
Spiritual
The Untethered Soul, Singer (basically tells you to chill out and accept the lack of control that comes with life)
The Miracle of Mindfulness, Hanh (emphasizes living in the moment, not being lost in the future or dwelling on the past)
I’ll let Amazon summarize them further. This post is a little rambling, but I hope some parts are useful. Feel free to send me a MeMail about my own experiences with depression. I identify a lot with the experiences you mention, especially when I was in grad school.
posted by mnemonic at 10:02 PM on April 9, 2010 [4 favorites]
I've been here. I am here. Check into physiological possibilities. Make sure your thyroid is sound, check for anemia. Don't doubt your intellect. You're smart, you're capable, and you're basically a machine that needs maintenance. If everything comes back roses, you need to find a way to remember your psych appointments or you need to look into other providers. Look into new meds, if that's what you need. You're brilliant. You're nowhere near a dead end. Remember that.
posted by girlstyle at 1:18 AM on April 10, 2010
posted by girlstyle at 1:18 AM on April 10, 2010
Depression does seem to knock off a few IQ points!
Stage 1: Compensate for that. Accept it and adjust your routine.
Stage 2: Get stuff treated and love the feeling of sharpness when it comes back.
If you normally rely on spurts of inspiration and genius, you'll need to find a modus vivendi until the energy comes back.
Don't Panic, and hang on in there.
posted by Wrinkled Stumpskin at 6:12 AM on April 10, 2010
Stage 1: Compensate for that. Accept it and adjust your routine.
Stage 2: Get stuff treated and love the feeling of sharpness when it comes back.
If you normally rely on spurts of inspiration and genius, you'll need to find a modus vivendi until the energy comes back.
Don't Panic, and hang on in there.
posted by Wrinkled Stumpskin at 6:12 AM on April 10, 2010
I hate to say it, but depression does have a symptom called psychomotor retardation. You're slower both physically and mentally. Find the right medication (easier said than done, but worth it), try to find a hobby you enjoy, and get exercise and it should start to clear up. Also, try to remember that you may feel awful, but that this isn't the whole world.
Also watch this Sapolsky lecture on depression. It explains the disease well, and explains how medications and psychology work to help you.
As a person with depression, I implore you to hang in there! It does get better!
posted by mccarty.tim at 7:06 AM on April 10, 2010 [2 favorites]
Also watch this Sapolsky lecture on depression. It explains the disease well, and explains how medications and psychology work to help you.
As a person with depression, I implore you to hang in there! It does get better!
posted by mccarty.tim at 7:06 AM on April 10, 2010 [2 favorites]
PS: Also, find a therapist/counselor/psychologist. I'd recommend CBT, but whatever your insurance pays for will be great. Also try reading Feeling Good by David Burns. It'll help you get over the "learned helplessness" of depression.
posted by mccarty.tim at 7:08 AM on April 10, 2010
posted by mccarty.tim at 7:08 AM on April 10, 2010
First, if the depression is this bad, you definitely want to get a complete check-up from your gp and then, if they don't find any other cause, talk with psychiatrist about getting on medication. (Do not use your gp - most of them only know about a few popular solutions - you want someone who can work with you to combine and adjust meds to improve in your functioning.) In the meantime, keep working with your therapist - the meds help you function, the therapy will help you get better.
Second, recognize that depression is not just a bad mood - it is an illness. You need to make getting better your highest priority right now. This (probably) means taking a medical leave from school - struggling very hard and barely getting by in your classes, even if you can do it, is a pretty miserable situation. It is like trying to train for a marathon with a broken leg. Instead, you need rest, therapy (psycological rather than physical) and to begin to do activites that are within your current abilities - as you get better, you will gradually raise the bar and reclaim the more intellectually challenging work.
Taking time off from school is not a failure. Your body is telling you that you need to deal with your childhood history NOW. 20 years old is not a bad time to have your life fall apart - better now than when you are older and have more responsibilities. My one bit of practical advice is to figure out your health insurance (or at least pay for some months of COBRA) before you make changes that might make you ineligible for your current coverage.
Finally, you are one of those special people whose lives give them a change to go down roads less travelled. It is certainly not the path you would have picked and you may or may not end up where you originally thought you were going but I have total faith that if you work with doctors on getting better, you WILL end up with a life worth living.
posted by metahawk at 3:43 PM on April 10, 2010 [1 favorite]
Second, recognize that depression is not just a bad mood - it is an illness. You need to make getting better your highest priority right now. This (probably) means taking a medical leave from school - struggling very hard and barely getting by in your classes, even if you can do it, is a pretty miserable situation. It is like trying to train for a marathon with a broken leg. Instead, you need rest, therapy (psycological rather than physical) and to begin to do activites that are within your current abilities - as you get better, you will gradually raise the bar and reclaim the more intellectually challenging work.
Taking time off from school is not a failure. Your body is telling you that you need to deal with your childhood history NOW. 20 years old is not a bad time to have your life fall apart - better now than when you are older and have more responsibilities. My one bit of practical advice is to figure out your health insurance (or at least pay for some months of COBRA) before you make changes that might make you ineligible for your current coverage.
Finally, you are one of those special people whose lives give them a change to go down roads less travelled. It is certainly not the path you would have picked and you may or may not end up where you originally thought you were going but I have total faith that if you work with doctors on getting better, you WILL end up with a life worth living.
posted by metahawk at 3:43 PM on April 10, 2010 [1 favorite]
I have indeed experienced a comparable situation, though "experienced" may be stretching the truth -- I'm stuck in the middle of an identical rut.
I'm 21, a university student (albeit in a BE/BSc.) and have been suffering from bipolar disorder for the past seven years. Over the past four years I have watched myself deteriorate on all fronts: socially, physically, mentally and intellectually. My scores were quite miraculously high enough to get me into the university course of my choosing (with my tuition fees waived, even!), but in recent semesters I have struggled to even scrape passes. I would have lost my scholarship last year had I not intermitted my studies.
I found myself forgetting things, failing to even complete basic sentences. I would not eat for days. I likewise felt like a part of me -- the most treasured part -- had drifted away and I was merely a puppeteer working my shell of a body.
Nine months ago I was admitted to a psychiatric hospital after a particularly self-destructive episode. I spent several weeks in there, learning to cope with my new medication and beginning the first of many CBT courses.
In the months since then, I have spent numerous hours in individual and group therapy sessions alongside people suffering from major depression and bipolar disorder. Not only have I learned more about myself than I ever thought possible, I learned how to manage my mood and emotions, rather than fighting them.
Most importantly of all (for me, at least) was the comfort of being surrounded by people in similar situations to my own. As much as I tried to intellectualise the disease before treatment (during the brief periods of lucidity in which I was not absorbed in self-denial), the mere "fact" that I was not alone was not enough. Meeting these people, hearing their stories and being allowed to share my own was the single most cathartic experience of my life.
Only a few weeks ago did I discharge myself from the outpatient therapy provided by the hospital. After having sought the help of both professionals and my very closest few friends and family I am in an immeasurably better position on all fronts. My mind is clearer (thanks, pretty-coloured pills), I am more sure of my ability to manage my dips (thanks, psychologist & psychiatrist) and I feel worthwhile again (thanks, friends and family). I am in a position I thought unfathomable only nine months ago.
Basically, what I'm trying to say is the help available is indeed extremely helpful. Sounds redundant, but had it not been drilled into me, I would have never done anything about my illness.
You will feel stronger,physically, socially and intellectually. My health has improved and my studies are improving considerably and I am now beginning to rekindle old friendships. There is a whole world of good out there and I finally think I might be entitled to some happiness. You are entitled to it too, but you can't get there on your own. Do as everyone has said: go see a professional!
If you wish to talk further, my e-mail is in my profile.
I can't shake the feeling that this post was far more self-absorbed than it should have been, but that was absolutely not my intention. I guess I'm still not nearly as eloquent or well-written as I would like, but this compares very favourably to a few years ago. I imagine the sooner that you act, the sooner you can recover.
posted by PuGZ at 1:36 AM on April 12, 2010 [1 favorite]
I'm 21, a university student (albeit in a BE/BSc.) and have been suffering from bipolar disorder for the past seven years. Over the past four years I have watched myself deteriorate on all fronts: socially, physically, mentally and intellectually. My scores were quite miraculously high enough to get me into the university course of my choosing (with my tuition fees waived, even!), but in recent semesters I have struggled to even scrape passes. I would have lost my scholarship last year had I not intermitted my studies.
I found myself forgetting things, failing to even complete basic sentences. I would not eat for days. I likewise felt like a part of me -- the most treasured part -- had drifted away and I was merely a puppeteer working my shell of a body.
Nine months ago I was admitted to a psychiatric hospital after a particularly self-destructive episode. I spent several weeks in there, learning to cope with my new medication and beginning the first of many CBT courses.
In the months since then, I have spent numerous hours in individual and group therapy sessions alongside people suffering from major depression and bipolar disorder. Not only have I learned more about myself than I ever thought possible, I learned how to manage my mood and emotions, rather than fighting them.
Most importantly of all (for me, at least) was the comfort of being surrounded by people in similar situations to my own. As much as I tried to intellectualise the disease before treatment (during the brief periods of lucidity in which I was not absorbed in self-denial), the mere "fact" that I was not alone was not enough. Meeting these people, hearing their stories and being allowed to share my own was the single most cathartic experience of my life.
Only a few weeks ago did I discharge myself from the outpatient therapy provided by the hospital. After having sought the help of both professionals and my very closest few friends and family I am in an immeasurably better position on all fronts. My mind is clearer (thanks, pretty-coloured pills), I am more sure of my ability to manage my dips (thanks, psychologist & psychiatrist) and I feel worthwhile again (thanks, friends and family). I am in a position I thought unfathomable only nine months ago.
Basically, what I'm trying to say is the help available is indeed extremely helpful. Sounds redundant, but had it not been drilled into me, I would have never done anything about my illness.
You will feel stronger,physically, socially and intellectually. My health has improved and my studies are improving considerably and I am now beginning to rekindle old friendships. There is a whole world of good out there and I finally think I might be entitled to some happiness. You are entitled to it too, but you can't get there on your own. Do as everyone has said: go see a professional!
If you wish to talk further, my e-mail is in my profile.
I can't shake the feeling that this post was far more self-absorbed than it should have been, but that was absolutely not my intention. I guess I'm still not nearly as eloquent or well-written as I would like, but this compares very favourably to a few years ago. I imagine the sooner that you act, the sooner you can recover.
posted by PuGZ at 1:36 AM on April 12, 2010 [1 favorite]
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posted by Houstonian at 3:11 PM on April 9, 2010