on a self-perpetuating downward spiral
January 2, 2015 11:06 AM Subscribe
I am having somewhat of a huge existential crisis at the moment after just exiting a 5-year serious long-term romantic relationship, one that I was hoping would be permanent and committed. I am having trouble coming to terms with the setup of my life and the course it is taking.
I am a mid-30s woman with a somewhat good although at-risk career. I live and work in the same small city where I grew up and my immediate, dysfunctional family lives nearby. I have conflicted feelings about them. I always wanted a close, loving family but over the course of my lifetime I am coming to terms with the fact that they can never be that for me and have distanced myself to approximately one visit a month for special occasions and holidays only. Oddly enough, now that what was my most important relationship is recently over, they were extremely kind and supportive to me over the holidays this year, which is very out of character for them. I feel like they are being nice too late after the fact, when I needed them to be kind and supportive when my relationship was still intact. I almost suspect that they feel sort of guilty, that maybe they realize they haven't been the best family to me.
Still, they remain so dysfunctional that I don't believe I could ever feel close to them and trust them not to sabotage me again in the future. After a lifetime of dysfunction and at best minimal support, I don't feel like I can trust them if I ever find another love in this lifetime, which in itself seems so unlikely and against the odds given that my ex was the only person I wanted to be with. What I am trying to get at is that my partner had never disrespected me until he met my family and saw how disrespectfully they treated me. I believe this rubbed off on him somehow. When I think back, I can trace his first signs of disrespect, starting years ago, back to around the time I introduced him to them. We had been engaged at one point and they would do their best to force their preferences on us, create conflicts, and disparage my character in small ways in front of him. Eventually we broke up, and although I think we both played a part in our breakup as the main participants, I also feel that their behaviors and attitudes contributed to the discord in some ways, and I deeply resent them for that. To the extent that I'm not sure I even really like any of them as people anymore. I can't help but feel if they had been better, my engagement to the person I've loved more than anyone else I've ever met in my lifetime would not have gone bust.
To complicate things, I don't really have any friends now, and the ones I had were alienated by our notorious breakup. I am torn because while I despise my family on a somewhat deep level due to their dysfunctional personalities, I really only have them, and "divorcing them" seems too scary. But when I hypothetically entertain finding a new romantic interest someday, my gut reaction is that I can never trust my family again to ever bring a serious romantic interest around them again. It doesn't help matters that I have picked bad partners in the past and that I fear I'm setting myself up to become reliant on a man, if I ever meet a good one again. My career has its own set of issues, but it would be considered a good job. I am seeing a counselor, too.
I feel like my options are either A) slipping through the cracks into a hermit existence as a middle-aged lady B) stuck interacting with my horrible family as my only real life social interaction. Most of all, are my instincts right to never trust my dysfunctional family again? I feel like maybe one day, finding a new love would be my only hope socially, and I wouldn't want them to sabotage that again in any way. My ex blamed me for not trusting him, but would always cite this as his reason for leaving me repeatedly, which just results in less trust every time we would reconcile.
Please don't suggest getting a pet as I don't see it as the equivalent of human love.
I am a mid-30s woman with a somewhat good although at-risk career. I live and work in the same small city where I grew up and my immediate, dysfunctional family lives nearby. I have conflicted feelings about them. I always wanted a close, loving family but over the course of my lifetime I am coming to terms with the fact that they can never be that for me and have distanced myself to approximately one visit a month for special occasions and holidays only. Oddly enough, now that what was my most important relationship is recently over, they were extremely kind and supportive to me over the holidays this year, which is very out of character for them. I feel like they are being nice too late after the fact, when I needed them to be kind and supportive when my relationship was still intact. I almost suspect that they feel sort of guilty, that maybe they realize they haven't been the best family to me.
Still, they remain so dysfunctional that I don't believe I could ever feel close to them and trust them not to sabotage me again in the future. After a lifetime of dysfunction and at best minimal support, I don't feel like I can trust them if I ever find another love in this lifetime, which in itself seems so unlikely and against the odds given that my ex was the only person I wanted to be with. What I am trying to get at is that my partner had never disrespected me until he met my family and saw how disrespectfully they treated me. I believe this rubbed off on him somehow. When I think back, I can trace his first signs of disrespect, starting years ago, back to around the time I introduced him to them. We had been engaged at one point and they would do their best to force their preferences on us, create conflicts, and disparage my character in small ways in front of him. Eventually we broke up, and although I think we both played a part in our breakup as the main participants, I also feel that their behaviors and attitudes contributed to the discord in some ways, and I deeply resent them for that. To the extent that I'm not sure I even really like any of them as people anymore. I can't help but feel if they had been better, my engagement to the person I've loved more than anyone else I've ever met in my lifetime would not have gone bust.
To complicate things, I don't really have any friends now, and the ones I had were alienated by our notorious breakup. I am torn because while I despise my family on a somewhat deep level due to their dysfunctional personalities, I really only have them, and "divorcing them" seems too scary. But when I hypothetically entertain finding a new romantic interest someday, my gut reaction is that I can never trust my family again to ever bring a serious romantic interest around them again. It doesn't help matters that I have picked bad partners in the past and that I fear I'm setting myself up to become reliant on a man, if I ever meet a good one again. My career has its own set of issues, but it would be considered a good job. I am seeing a counselor, too.
I feel like my options are either A) slipping through the cracks into a hermit existence as a middle-aged lady B) stuck interacting with my horrible family as my only real life social interaction. Most of all, are my instincts right to never trust my dysfunctional family again? I feel like maybe one day, finding a new love would be my only hope socially, and I wouldn't want them to sabotage that again in any way. My ex blamed me for not trusting him, but would always cite this as his reason for leaving me repeatedly, which just results in less trust every time we would reconcile.
Please don't suggest getting a pet as I don't see it as the equivalent of human love.
Hm. There is a lot going on in this post, and I know people will break it down into little pieces for you later on.
I just wanted to write to say that you're in a definite phase of a post-long-term-relationship fallout period. It is common to go through, in my opinion. Possibly the most painful phase for me, historically, because it feels like there is literally nothing worth holding onto in your life except maybe your own life (unless you are suicidal, which I was during a similar, awful time).
I think a lot of people will say therapy will help, and I would agree (that was a HUGE part of getting me out of that phase), but I don't know if that's something you'd be willing to try.
Beyond that, what really helped me was trying the "fake it til you make it" approach. I felt I didn't have any friends, couldn't rely on my family, etc... So I pretended I was Amelie and marched around the city to my own awesome soundtrack in my head. I did all the things I thought a cooler version of me would do. Hung out in comic book shops, randomly went to movies on my own, made artwork, went on walks, etc. Even when I was sad or frustrated or misanthropic, I did these things. They were a prescription I wrote to myself. I took a little every day.
Eventually what ended up happening was that I pretended my way into a whole new life. I got new friends who were much more supportive of me than my family was at that time. I started waking up happier. I had people I could talk to.
It takes a lot of effort and it is a very difficult thing to do to put yourself back on the path you want to be on after such an emotional trauma. But I think if I could do it, you could do it. I wish you the best of luck.
posted by Temeraria at 11:25 AM on January 2, 2015 [27 favorites]
I just wanted to write to say that you're in a definite phase of a post-long-term-relationship fallout period. It is common to go through, in my opinion. Possibly the most painful phase for me, historically, because it feels like there is literally nothing worth holding onto in your life except maybe your own life (unless you are suicidal, which I was during a similar, awful time).
I think a lot of people will say therapy will help, and I would agree (that was a HUGE part of getting me out of that phase), but I don't know if that's something you'd be willing to try.
Beyond that, what really helped me was trying the "fake it til you make it" approach. I felt I didn't have any friends, couldn't rely on my family, etc... So I pretended I was Amelie and marched around the city to my own awesome soundtrack in my head. I did all the things I thought a cooler version of me would do. Hung out in comic book shops, randomly went to movies on my own, made artwork, went on walks, etc. Even when I was sad or frustrated or misanthropic, I did these things. They were a prescription I wrote to myself. I took a little every day.
Eventually what ended up happening was that I pretended my way into a whole new life. I got new friends who were much more supportive of me than my family was at that time. I started waking up happier. I had people I could talk to.
It takes a lot of effort and it is a very difficult thing to do to put yourself back on the path you want to be on after such an emotional trauma. But I think if I could do it, you could do it. I wish you the best of luck.
posted by Temeraria at 11:25 AM on January 2, 2015 [27 favorites]
I am having somewhat of a huge existential crisis at the moment after just exiting a 5-year serious long-term romantic relationship
Well, of course you are! I'm not going to address the details of your situation, which does sound difficult to navigate (though I will note that you can be grateful for your family being kind and supportive to you without feeling that you need to incorporate them into your life on an ongoing basis), I just want to emphasize that regardless of those details it is perfectly normal to feel horrible and have an existential crisis after the end of a long, serious relationship. Please take care of yourself and deal with the immediate necessities of your life and try not to think about romance until the pain has worn off a bit, which may take months, a year, or longer. Or less, of course, but best to just set the whole issue aside for the time being and try to find friends and decide where to go with your career. Good luck, and don't sell yourself short!
posted by languagehat at 11:25 AM on January 2, 2015 [7 favorites]
Well, of course you are! I'm not going to address the details of your situation, which does sound difficult to navigate (though I will note that you can be grateful for your family being kind and supportive to you without feeling that you need to incorporate them into your life on an ongoing basis), I just want to emphasize that regardless of those details it is perfectly normal to feel horrible and have an existential crisis after the end of a long, serious relationship. Please take care of yourself and deal with the immediate necessities of your life and try not to think about romance until the pain has worn off a bit, which may take months, a year, or longer. Or less, of course, but best to just set the whole issue aside for the time being and try to find friends and decide where to go with your career. Good luck, and don't sell yourself short!
posted by languagehat at 11:25 AM on January 2, 2015 [7 favorites]
I think we can't really tell you if your family contributed to the breakup without knowing what the breakup was about. It's possible that your partner got more disrespectful after seeing your family do it, it's also possible that it was completely uninvolved. You need to figure out which one before deciding to cut off your family for something they may not be responsible for.
posted by corb at 11:32 AM on January 2, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by corb at 11:32 AM on January 2, 2015 [4 favorites]
I just want to say that the "slipping through the cracks into a hermit existence as a middle-aged lady" phase is totally par for the course. The whole "I'll never love anyone like that again and will be forever alone" thing is what almost all of us think after a serious relationship breaks down.
In terms of your family, I think it's weird you're blaming them for your breakup on the basis that your ex didn't treat you crappily until he saw them treating your crappily. A good partner doesn't treat you crappily, ever, for any reason, full stop. When other people treat you crappily, a good partner is on your side and supports or defends you. Your ex sounds like a shitty partner to me.
As to your family, you're positioning this as a binary choice: shun your family, or have them as your sole social outlet. This is a falsehood. You can make new friends, move to a new place, get a new job, etc and just see your family when it suits.
posted by DarlingBri at 11:36 AM on January 2, 2015 [24 favorites]
In terms of your family, I think it's weird you're blaming them for your breakup on the basis that your ex didn't treat you crappily until he saw them treating your crappily. A good partner doesn't treat you crappily, ever, for any reason, full stop. When other people treat you crappily, a good partner is on your side and supports or defends you. Your ex sounds like a shitty partner to me.
As to your family, you're positioning this as a binary choice: shun your family, or have them as your sole social outlet. This is a falsehood. You can make new friends, move to a new place, get a new job, etc and just see your family when it suits.
posted by DarlingBri at 11:36 AM on January 2, 2015 [24 favorites]
What I am trying to get at is that my partner had never disrespected me until he met my family and saw how disrespectfully they treated me.
Here is the thing about jerks: Nobody can turn them into jerks. In some sense, maybe your partner felt your family's behavior gave him permission to revert to his baseline jerkiness, but that doesn't make your family the cause of his treatment of you -- merely the catalyst. A worthy partner would not have been swayed by other people's poor treatment of you; on the contrary, he would have leapt to your defense and bolstered you in defending your self-image. Unfortunately what you seem to have found out is that the person you thought was worthwhile actually never deserved your love and devotion. I am so, so sorry you have found yourself in this situation. It is heartbreaking.
What I would be wary of in this case, and your post worries me in this regard, is that you seem to have rationalized away all of your possible options: "My partner was wonderful (despite his demonstrated disrespect and just generally being wrong for you) and I will never find another like him" + "My family is awful but they are all I have" + "I have no friends and cannot reach out to the ones I used to have" really paints you into a very tiny corner. This is a pretty normal psychological defense mechanism, but you will have to let some of it go to move forward. What if instead of accepting some of these premises, you challenge them? For example:
"My partner was not such a great person if he could slide into treating me so badly. Next time I will watch for those warning signs and only accept someone who is kind and decent to me."
"My family is dysfunctional and I never deserved the disrespect they showed me. I choose to deal with them only on my chosen terms."
"Maybe I could check in with my old friends and see how they feel. And even if they don't respond to my overtures, I can work on ways to find new people who are interested in friendship with me."
In short, you list two options. Why not work on adding more to the list?
posted by Smells of Detroit at 11:39 AM on January 2, 2015 [26 favorites]
Here is the thing about jerks: Nobody can turn them into jerks. In some sense, maybe your partner felt your family's behavior gave him permission to revert to his baseline jerkiness, but that doesn't make your family the cause of his treatment of you -- merely the catalyst. A worthy partner would not have been swayed by other people's poor treatment of you; on the contrary, he would have leapt to your defense and bolstered you in defending your self-image. Unfortunately what you seem to have found out is that the person you thought was worthwhile actually never deserved your love and devotion. I am so, so sorry you have found yourself in this situation. It is heartbreaking.
What I would be wary of in this case, and your post worries me in this regard, is that you seem to have rationalized away all of your possible options: "My partner was wonderful (despite his demonstrated disrespect and just generally being wrong for you) and I will never find another like him" + "My family is awful but they are all I have" + "I have no friends and cannot reach out to the ones I used to have" really paints you into a very tiny corner. This is a pretty normal psychological defense mechanism, but you will have to let some of it go to move forward. What if instead of accepting some of these premises, you challenge them? For example:
"My partner was not such a great person if he could slide into treating me so badly. Next time I will watch for those warning signs and only accept someone who is kind and decent to me."
"My family is dysfunctional and I never deserved the disrespect they showed me. I choose to deal with them only on my chosen terms."
"Maybe I could check in with my old friends and see how they feel. And even if they don't respond to my overtures, I can work on ways to find new people who are interested in friendship with me."
In short, you list two options. Why not work on adding more to the list?
posted by Smells of Detroit at 11:39 AM on January 2, 2015 [26 favorites]
I feel like my options are either A) slipping through the cracks into a hermit existence as a middle-aged lady B) stuck interacting with my horrible family as my only real life social interaction.
I am future you, telling you that these aren't your only options! I left my husband almost a year ago (under different circumstances, but not amicably) and I felt much the same as you. Adrift and lonely. My family were really supportive after the split but it's hard for me to spend a lot of time with them. I had few friends and loathed the idea of ever being in a relationship again.
So - I've been setting good boundaries with my family that has minimized how much influence they have on my mood. I went out and made more friends (mefi meetups, for serious! also volunteering!). I'm still meh about another long-term relationship but I've been having fun dating. The less dependence you have on one person or group of people, the happier you will be. So many people told me that it will get better over time, and I'm sorry to turn around and foist the cliché on you, but it really is true. How long has it been? It took a few months for me to find my feet again and now - almost a year later - I would say I am very happy with my life.
I get that it's hard to make friends when you're single and in your 30s, but it is not impossible. There are a billion "how do I meet people" questions on AskMe and the most common answer is to pursue your interests. Take classes, join groups, volunteer. And if you are anywhere near Milwaukee, memail me and we can grab coffee.
posted by desjardins at 11:45 AM on January 2, 2015 [6 favorites]
I am future you, telling you that these aren't your only options! I left my husband almost a year ago (under different circumstances, but not amicably) and I felt much the same as you. Adrift and lonely. My family were really supportive after the split but it's hard for me to spend a lot of time with them. I had few friends and loathed the idea of ever being in a relationship again.
So - I've been setting good boundaries with my family that has minimized how much influence they have on my mood. I went out and made more friends (mefi meetups, for serious! also volunteering!). I'm still meh about another long-term relationship but I've been having fun dating. The less dependence you have on one person or group of people, the happier you will be. So many people told me that it will get better over time, and I'm sorry to turn around and foist the cliché on you, but it really is true. How long has it been? It took a few months for me to find my feet again and now - almost a year later - I would say I am very happy with my life.
I get that it's hard to make friends when you're single and in your 30s, but it is not impossible. There are a billion "how do I meet people" questions on AskMe and the most common answer is to pursue your interests. Take classes, join groups, volunteer. And if you are anywhere near Milwaukee, memail me and we can grab coffee.
posted by desjardins at 11:45 AM on January 2, 2015 [6 favorites]
Others have stated things so much better, but your ex sounds like a real asshole, piling onto what was already a bad situation instead of backing you up. Also, you have my permission to set limits with your family, even if they're not aware of said limits, and it's up to you whether or not to disclose future relationships or any other information with them.
Take this for the Jedi hug that it is.
posted by SillyShepherd at 12:16 PM on January 2, 2015 [2 favorites]
Take this for the Jedi hug that it is.
posted by SillyShepherd at 12:16 PM on January 2, 2015 [2 favorites]
Most of all, are my instincts right to never trust my dysfunctional family again?
My life has been made immeasurably better by never completely trusting my family with anything really important to me. I know what I can generally expect from them, which is 90% politeness and conflict avoidance and 10% sabotage when I least expect it. This doesn't mean dramatically divorcing my family. This just means that I interact with them the way I interact with coworkers: politely, avoiding conflict, never telling them anything really sensitive, calling in sick when I'm not feeling up to dealing with it.
posted by Bentobox Humperdinck at 12:21 PM on January 2, 2015 [10 favorites]
My life has been made immeasurably better by never completely trusting my family with anything really important to me. I know what I can generally expect from them, which is 90% politeness and conflict avoidance and 10% sabotage when I least expect it. This doesn't mean dramatically divorcing my family. This just means that I interact with them the way I interact with coworkers: politely, avoiding conflict, never telling them anything really sensitive, calling in sick when I'm not feeling up to dealing with it.
posted by Bentobox Humperdinck at 12:21 PM on January 2, 2015 [10 favorites]
my partner had never disrespected me until he met my family and saw how disrespectfully they treated me.
Are your family all CIA brainwashing experts? He might not have known he could get away with it until he saw them do it, but he'd need to regard you disrespectfully in the first place to ever have any inclination to treat you that way. It would have emerged eventually - if anything, you got an early warning thanks to them, but disregarded it.
Bottom line: they didn't do anything to your relationship, except maybe teach you the skills to stay in it when you should have gone.
Most of all, are my instincts right to never trust my dysfunctional family again?
Okay, well, they're not nice to you, so know that information in your head. Asking if you should never trust them again is much like this boyfriend you "lost trust" with taking him back over and over. This is not a binary thing - you don't keep trusting 100% until the day you flip to 0. What you do is adjust your boundaries to reflect the facts.
Not very nice to you but you want to maintain a baseline relationship because of future elder care issues or nieces and nephews or other members who are fine but come with the package? Okay, have interactions with them that do not give the bad ones opportunity to be especially mean to you. Not very nice to you and unrelated, like someone you're dating? Give them the boot, delete them from your phone and Facebook, and move on.
Make choices. Stop having life happen to you so it can be someone else's fault.
As everyone else has said, organized and quasi-organized events are how people in their 30s pursue social relationships. Nobody's going to take a photography class because they want to learn photography alone without interacting with anyone else, you know? People volunteer for all kinds of reasons, but if they don't want to do it with other people they either pursue those kinds of opportunities or just give money. I'm relatively new to town and we spent New Year's with a friend I made through an un-religious organization I joined and the two of us had clicked over various things over the course of various meetings and started doing social stuff outside of that. That's pretty much how it happens - for friends and also often for dating partners.
Now, if you want to leave town to give yourself a clean slate to start over, and doing so isn't going to be financially dumb, maybe look into that. Sometimes a reboot is exactly the right thing.
posted by Lyn Never at 12:39 PM on January 2, 2015 [4 favorites]
Are your family all CIA brainwashing experts? He might not have known he could get away with it until he saw them do it, but he'd need to regard you disrespectfully in the first place to ever have any inclination to treat you that way. It would have emerged eventually - if anything, you got an early warning thanks to them, but disregarded it.
Bottom line: they didn't do anything to your relationship, except maybe teach you the skills to stay in it when you should have gone.
Most of all, are my instincts right to never trust my dysfunctional family again?
Okay, well, they're not nice to you, so know that information in your head. Asking if you should never trust them again is much like this boyfriend you "lost trust" with taking him back over and over. This is not a binary thing - you don't keep trusting 100% until the day you flip to 0. What you do is adjust your boundaries to reflect the facts.
Not very nice to you but you want to maintain a baseline relationship because of future elder care issues or nieces and nephews or other members who are fine but come with the package? Okay, have interactions with them that do not give the bad ones opportunity to be especially mean to you. Not very nice to you and unrelated, like someone you're dating? Give them the boot, delete them from your phone and Facebook, and move on.
Make choices. Stop having life happen to you so it can be someone else's fault.
As everyone else has said, organized and quasi-organized events are how people in their 30s pursue social relationships. Nobody's going to take a photography class because they want to learn photography alone without interacting with anyone else, you know? People volunteer for all kinds of reasons, but if they don't want to do it with other people they either pursue those kinds of opportunities or just give money. I'm relatively new to town and we spent New Year's with a friend I made through an un-religious organization I joined and the two of us had clicked over various things over the course of various meetings and started doing social stuff outside of that. That's pretty much how it happens - for friends and also often for dating partners.
Now, if you want to leave town to give yourself a clean slate to start over, and doing so isn't going to be financially dumb, maybe look into that. Sometimes a reboot is exactly the right thing.
posted by Lyn Never at 12:39 PM on January 2, 2015 [4 favorites]
I'll be blunt: it sounds to me like you're using your family as a scapegoat for the breakup. Given that you'd been minimizing contact with them over the past five years, just how much contact did you and your ex- have with them? Just guessing / going on numbers: 12 days/year * 5 years = 60 days out of 365 * 5 = 1825 days. That's like 3% of y'all's time over 5 years, and your family managed to corrupt your ex- and turn them away from you? I find this difficult to believe.
You and your ex- had problems and broke up? That sucks, and I believe it - it happens a lot, to good people and to bad. But as a result of sabotage from your family? I find that doubtful. I think that you would be better served by working with your counselor to find the real reasons behind the breakup.
posted by doctor tough love at 1:03 PM on January 2, 2015 [3 favorites]
You and your ex- had problems and broke up? That sucks, and I believe it - it happens a lot, to good people and to bad. But as a result of sabotage from your family? I find that doubtful. I think that you would be better served by working with your counselor to find the real reasons behind the breakup.
posted by doctor tough love at 1:03 PM on January 2, 2015 [3 favorites]
Agree with all the thoughts above. Your ex sounds like a jerk and it's probably for the best that that relationship ended.
But ok, let's say maybe you're partially right, he did witness interactions with your family and thought less of you as a result, and this to some degree contributed to the breakup (though, again, it sounds like that was a good thing, but ok). I do think that despite conscious intentions, people are sometimes turned off when they smell weakness, and I think this can lead to a kind of dehumanization that facilitates contempt. (There's some research to suggest this might happen when people observe e.g. poor, homeless, and women people, and I suspect something like it can happen in the context of close relationships sometimes, too. Someone gets or winds up with a leg up on the other, because they make more money, or they're healthier... the "strong" one, the one with the power (given or taken) can't readily imagine what it's like to earn less or be ill; they assume everyone has the resources they have; a negative judgement is made, and distancing begins.)
I think if you think this sort of dynamic happened and is likely to happen again, one way to combat it is to minimize the perception of weakness. The way to effectively do that is to minimize actual weakness. The way to do that with your family is to make and enforce boundaries that are permeable enough to give you what you need from them (taking that is strong) and strong enough to deflect what you don't, to the extent possible.
posted by cotton dress sock at 1:38 PM on January 2, 2015 [4 favorites]
But ok, let's say maybe you're partially right, he did witness interactions with your family and thought less of you as a result, and this to some degree contributed to the breakup (though, again, it sounds like that was a good thing, but ok). I do think that despite conscious intentions, people are sometimes turned off when they smell weakness, and I think this can lead to a kind of dehumanization that facilitates contempt. (There's some research to suggest this might happen when people observe e.g. poor, homeless, and women people, and I suspect something like it can happen in the context of close relationships sometimes, too. Someone gets or winds up with a leg up on the other, because they make more money, or they're healthier... the "strong" one, the one with the power (given or taken) can't readily imagine what it's like to earn less or be ill; they assume everyone has the resources they have; a negative judgement is made, and distancing begins.)
I think if you think this sort of dynamic happened and is likely to happen again, one way to combat it is to minimize the perception of weakness. The way to effectively do that is to minimize actual weakness. The way to do that with your family is to make and enforce boundaries that are permeable enough to give you what you need from them (taking that is strong) and strong enough to deflect what you don't, to the extent possible.
posted by cotton dress sock at 1:38 PM on January 2, 2015 [4 favorites]
I have been in a similar situation. From the perspective of many years, it seems that my family was concerned and in part blaming me for being with someone who was not up to their standards, probably with good reason.
Yet, there were some who I felt egged him on or agreed that I was worthy of being made a target. However, it took me some time, and a really good, friendly, down-to-earth therapist to help me separate the two issues.
Unfortunately, it is not always clear cut. And it does somewhat depend on you caring (or rather, not caring) about how your family views you. So they are being nice, take advantage of that. They want to help you, fine. Later on, you can have some honest convos with them.
The other thing is, time. You are still going through the trauma of the recent break up. Think of it as recovering from an illness, especially seeing as how he was a jerk and blaming you, and allow yourself to heal. What would you give to a sick friend? Tea, chicken soup, facials, hot baths, a nice warm sweater, fuzzy slippers? Those are just some examples, only you know what you would like.
One thing this great therapist gave me was validation: yes, my ex was a narcissistic jerk. She even looked it up and confirmed it. Yes, my family acted a certain way and she told me her views on why they did. You know how people like to help people when they are in trouble? I mean, don't we all? (Except for the jerks, of course)
I suggest you use this time to cocoon and heal. No dating. Do things that your ex hated, like schlub around in sweats and eat buttery popcorn by the gallon bucket and watch Oprah or girly movies. Buy some lovely lime-scented perfume and dream of the islands.
The most important thing she told me was to exercise every day (walking) and pursue whatever hobby I liked (writing). And it must be done. No excuses.
And you know what? It sucked for a while and then eventually I did move away. And got married to someone else, who is all about me and not my family. I did not turn out to be a perfect human being, and I still struggle with issues, but I am aware of them. And I am getting along better with family members (at a distance).
I can't give you the gift of time, but I can tell you: exercise every day, even if it's a video at home, do things for yourself, allow yourself to grieve this relationship, and find a girlfriend to be with, for coffee, and only interact with your family as you feel like you can handle. Treat yourself as fragile, but you will heal. You're a smart cookie. You'll get through this.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 5:08 PM on January 2, 2015 [3 favorites]
Yet, there were some who I felt egged him on or agreed that I was worthy of being made a target. However, it took me some time, and a really good, friendly, down-to-earth therapist to help me separate the two issues.
Unfortunately, it is not always clear cut. And it does somewhat depend on you caring (or rather, not caring) about how your family views you. So they are being nice, take advantage of that. They want to help you, fine. Later on, you can have some honest convos with them.
The other thing is, time. You are still going through the trauma of the recent break up. Think of it as recovering from an illness, especially seeing as how he was a jerk and blaming you, and allow yourself to heal. What would you give to a sick friend? Tea, chicken soup, facials, hot baths, a nice warm sweater, fuzzy slippers? Those are just some examples, only you know what you would like.
One thing this great therapist gave me was validation: yes, my ex was a narcissistic jerk. She even looked it up and confirmed it. Yes, my family acted a certain way and she told me her views on why they did. You know how people like to help people when they are in trouble? I mean, don't we all? (Except for the jerks, of course)
I suggest you use this time to cocoon and heal. No dating. Do things that your ex hated, like schlub around in sweats and eat buttery popcorn by the gallon bucket and watch Oprah or girly movies. Buy some lovely lime-scented perfume and dream of the islands.
The most important thing she told me was to exercise every day (walking) and pursue whatever hobby I liked (writing). And it must be done. No excuses.
And you know what? It sucked for a while and then eventually I did move away. And got married to someone else, who is all about me and not my family. I did not turn out to be a perfect human being, and I still struggle with issues, but I am aware of them. And I am getting along better with family members (at a distance).
I can't give you the gift of time, but I can tell you: exercise every day, even if it's a video at home, do things for yourself, allow yourself to grieve this relationship, and find a girlfriend to be with, for coffee, and only interact with your family as you feel like you can handle. Treat yourself as fragile, but you will heal. You're a smart cookie. You'll get through this.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 5:08 PM on January 2, 2015 [3 favorites]
I am dealing with the tail end of this myself. I suffered so much this summer and everyone tried to be helpful but ultimately I didn't get better until I truly understood a few things. They were things I already knew, but I didn't start to improve until I actually internalized them and began living them.
1. Acknowledge your feelings but don't succumb to them. Yes, being sad is normal, but wallowing and self-pity is a choice. I spent a lot of time wallowing. It's the difference between knowing you are sad but pressing on with things that have to be done or reading old emails, listening to sad music, watching sad movies, etc. Yes of course, you can and should reflect on where things went wrong and have a cathartic cry (or two or ten) but ultimately you cannot change what happened and you've got to move on. So don't give in to the gloom. Archive the emails, clean out your texts, and remove all media that promotes sadness from your life.
2. Understand that there's always hope. Before my most recent (and longest and "realest") relationship ended I had come to terms with the fact that I was likely going to spend the rest of my life alone (and I was the grand ol' age of 34) and I was working on things to make my lonely old age more comfortable. Learning useful skills like carpentry and plumbing, planning for my retirement, fostering relationships with my cousins' children (I have no siblings whose children could look after a doddering old auntie) and the like. And once I was single again this past April it was really hard to find that initial enthusiasm for spinsterhood. I think it was because it was a sort of silly thing to be enthusiastic about. And here comes the hope part: My parents got divorced after 10 years of marriage when my mom was 35. Mom dated a guy for a year or two not long after that and then filled her life with work, college classes, friends, and projects for about 15 years. Then she started dating again, but ended up meeting a nice man at a work conference about 7 years ago. He lived 3 hours away so their courtship was a bit slow, but ultimately they got married 2 years ago when Mom was 63 and my stepfather was 57. He's going to retire next year and they're going to travel around the country in their RV.
I'm pretty sure my mom decided a long time ago that she was okay with being alone for the rest of her life and planned for that just like I did. And her life was just as rich and fulfilling when she was single as when she was not. Meeting and marrying someone at the age of 58 was probably not a part of her plan, but it still happened. So don't shut the door on possibilities. Accept that anything could happen and be okay with it either way.
3. Temeraria's advice is wonderful. It really is all about faking it until you make it. I know it's hard and it doesn't feel like it's worth it, but it is. It really is. Think positively. Do kind things. Keep a smile on your face. It sounds so pithy and part of me wants to roll my eyes even as I type this, but I feel like things really started to turn around once I challenged myself to fake it, at least for a little while. And to my complete surprise, it really worked. I have bitchy resting face so making a conscious effort to maintain a half smile when at rest actually made me feel better. Saying good morning with a smile and a friendly comment to everyone I saw in the morning (instead of a curt "morning" as I hustled past) provided some much needed social interaction with no strings attached as well as positive feedback. Now I make an effort to walk around my office in the morning to find people to greet and chat with. I still dislike small talk, but it doesn't feel like small talk once you've established a relationship with people. It's a friend chatting to a friend.
Keep your family at arm's length. Make new friends. Create an OKCupid account but don't rush into dating if you don't feel ready. Use it to meet people you can go on platonic dates with. Then you can alter that profile to reflect a desire to date when the time comes.
I won't lie, it's not going to be an easy thing at first. But it WILL get easier as you go. You can do it.
posted by elsietheeel at 6:48 PM on January 2, 2015 [3 favorites]
1. Acknowledge your feelings but don't succumb to them. Yes, being sad is normal, but wallowing and self-pity is a choice. I spent a lot of time wallowing. It's the difference between knowing you are sad but pressing on with things that have to be done or reading old emails, listening to sad music, watching sad movies, etc. Yes of course, you can and should reflect on where things went wrong and have a cathartic cry (or two or ten) but ultimately you cannot change what happened and you've got to move on. So don't give in to the gloom. Archive the emails, clean out your texts, and remove all media that promotes sadness from your life.
2. Understand that there's always hope. Before my most recent (and longest and "realest") relationship ended I had come to terms with the fact that I was likely going to spend the rest of my life alone (and I was the grand ol' age of 34) and I was working on things to make my lonely old age more comfortable. Learning useful skills like carpentry and plumbing, planning for my retirement, fostering relationships with my cousins' children (I have no siblings whose children could look after a doddering old auntie) and the like. And once I was single again this past April it was really hard to find that initial enthusiasm for spinsterhood. I think it was because it was a sort of silly thing to be enthusiastic about. And here comes the hope part: My parents got divorced after 10 years of marriage when my mom was 35. Mom dated a guy for a year or two not long after that and then filled her life with work, college classes, friends, and projects for about 15 years. Then she started dating again, but ended up meeting a nice man at a work conference about 7 years ago. He lived 3 hours away so their courtship was a bit slow, but ultimately they got married 2 years ago when Mom was 63 and my stepfather was 57. He's going to retire next year and they're going to travel around the country in their RV.
I'm pretty sure my mom decided a long time ago that she was okay with being alone for the rest of her life and planned for that just like I did. And her life was just as rich and fulfilling when she was single as when she was not. Meeting and marrying someone at the age of 58 was probably not a part of her plan, but it still happened. So don't shut the door on possibilities. Accept that anything could happen and be okay with it either way.
3. Temeraria's advice is wonderful. It really is all about faking it until you make it. I know it's hard and it doesn't feel like it's worth it, but it is. It really is. Think positively. Do kind things. Keep a smile on your face. It sounds so pithy and part of me wants to roll my eyes even as I type this, but I feel like things really started to turn around once I challenged myself to fake it, at least for a little while. And to my complete surprise, it really worked. I have bitchy resting face so making a conscious effort to maintain a half smile when at rest actually made me feel better. Saying good morning with a smile and a friendly comment to everyone I saw in the morning (instead of a curt "morning" as I hustled past) provided some much needed social interaction with no strings attached as well as positive feedback. Now I make an effort to walk around my office in the morning to find people to greet and chat with. I still dislike small talk, but it doesn't feel like small talk once you've established a relationship with people. It's a friend chatting to a friend.
Keep your family at arm's length. Make new friends. Create an OKCupid account but don't rush into dating if you don't feel ready. Use it to meet people you can go on platonic dates with. Then you can alter that profile to reflect a desire to date when the time comes.
I won't lie, it's not going to be an easy thing at first. But it WILL get easier as you go. You can do it.
posted by elsietheeel at 6:48 PM on January 2, 2015 [3 favorites]
I ended a nearly 6 year relationship less than a year ago, and I have a young child with my ex. I was already fairly isolated because of being in a relationship with someone who didn't nurture relationships outside of his family, because of being unhappy, because of working fulltime and having a baby/young child (a child who does not like being out and about on weekends and evenings so we don't have many play-date like friends). Then two of my best mom-friends (the ones who would always call and made an effort to maintain our friendship) moved away to different/far cities last year, and then almost all of my grad-school friends graduated and moved away in the last two years (including the closest ones), and my closest/longest/oldest friends live 2-3 hours away and I only see them a few times a year. With the break-up I lost my ex's family who I spent more time with than with my own family (we are amicable now but things will not be the same as they were before for better or worse). Our break-up could be considered "notorious", in that we're also in a smallish city (that feels like a little village), and my ex has done his best to convince others that I was in the wrong for ending the relationship. My family is supportive but has crapped out on me at times when I most thought I needed them (like Thanksgiving and Christmas - I was alone with my child through both, even though I offered to host both dinners at my place and they live in the same town). Sometimes all you can do is laugh and try to be kind to yourself.
About your family not being the family you hoped for: I know of very few people who have not been greatly disappointed in that regard in some way, even the people with "good" relationships with their families. It sounds like they really do care about you, and it's hard to know what was going on with them and you and your ex. Work on accepting your family for who they are (it sounds like you're doing this, and I don't mean accept bad behaviour from them), and continue working out how you enjoy/tolerate your interactions with them. I think as adults we all come to terms with the contrast between who we wanted our parents to be, who they really are, forgiving whatever happened in the past, and accepting that they have done/are doing the best they can, it's very hard work and requires acknowledging those early and continued hurts. You might find your family hard to deal with as a group but maybe some one-on-one interactions with a focus on doing something (like a workshop or a shopping trip) are much better. Sometimes by removing expectations and accepting people for who they are wonderful things can happen. My family is not the "sit around at a table together having nice conversation" type (I'm learning haha), so now instead of trying that I'm going to movies with them, ordering some pizza and wings and just being with them.
About who to blame for your break-up: it's not uncommon for relationship issues to surface at the point of a more serious commitment (like an engagement), and it can be a sign of escalating abuse (it can also just be a thing that happens when things get comfortable). So it could be a simple coincidence that your ex treated you less well at the same time that he was spending time with your family. It's also true that perhaps he saw the dynamics in your family and they brought out some bad behaviour, unconsciously or consciously. Either way it doesn't sound like it was a healthy relationship to stay in if you weren't able to work things out so that you were being treated with respect so perhaps over time you'll be thankful that you didn't get married to this man. Consider why you think you want to only be with your ex when he didn't treat you kindly. Your ex may have had abusive or very dysfunctional tendencies and you did your best to resolve things but it just didn't work, or the two of you were just not compatible and it was no one's fault. I find the last explanation to be the one that leaves the most room for compassion and moving forward, although it can take time to get there and that's okay. It's only now (nearly seven months in), that I'm like "oh, I can see how maybe my ex was doing the best he could with the tools he had".
In dealing with social interactions with people who are not my mom or my closest friends I do my best to adopt a kind, no-nonsense attitude about the break-up that is essentially "Yes it's really a shame we can't be together, we just weren't compatible but I wish him the best", and leave it at that, and I've been pleasantly surprised by how open and fine with it people are (I felt a lot of guilt about ending the relationship because we have a young child and was expecting that to be mirrored but so far that hasn't happened). Friends and acquaintances may simply be worried that if they reach out to you they'll be inviting drama in, so if you head off the drama people will respond positively to that and get over the break-up more easily than you might think. I try not speak ill of my ex to our mutual acquaintances, or to new people I meet (this required me to not really go out for a few months). I've started journaling to channel my less kind impulses instead of sharing them with people. If you can afford to pay a therapist to listen to you that might be helpful in terms of validating how you feel, but for myself I've realized ultimately I can repeat myself ad nauseum but if I don't work on digesting those emotions and experiences through other means (like journaling, meditating, doing new things) I won't be able to move past them no matter how many times I recite them to others. There are lots of self-help books that can help with this (I particularly like "Be the Person You Want to Find" by Cheri Huber).
To deal with the existential crisis I've learned to do a lot of things alone, and while it is lonely at times, it's also empowering (I love the idea of pretending to be Amelie/cooler version of oneself). This is what I have done to some extent. I've become a regular at a small restaurant (where it's not that unusual to sit and read or be alone, and I go during their slow times if I can) with friendly/cool servers and staff and a great atmosphere. Going in there alone at first was hard, I felt self conscious but several months in I have a safe place I can go where everyone knows my name, I'm treated kindly, and can chit-chat comfortably, a true drama-free zone where no one cares about my ex or my family (and now I'm one of those cool people who can sit and eat a meal in silence/alone - yay for me). I've gone to concerts alone, sat alone (despite seeing people I know, I just smile and wave or say a brief hello), and gone home alone and that has also been great if scary at first. I think for the first few months I couldn't handle more than that because I was still so raw, so it was nice to be surrounded by people occasionally in an immersive experience but still be alone. Now I'm starting to go out to events where I know I'll see many mutual acquaintances and I still have to remind myself not to bring in my grievances with my ex but I'm feeling more and more ready to re-enter parts of my old/new life, and like I said people have reacted positively to me and I try hard not to bring up my ex or say unkind things, I put on my best "yes breaking up sucks but I'm still awesome/life goes on" face. Remember that you can control the image you project, and if people don't respond positively you can set a boundary so that you're not close to them. People don't care as much as you think they do about your life. Lots of people break up, most people in relationships right now will be single again.
It can help to remind yourself that even though you feel like you'll be single forever, it's highly unlikely so it's best to try to take what you can from the experience while it lasts, including the loneliness (not to say to wallow in it but accept it when it comes). I did do therapy and one pearl that came from my therapist was that it's very normal and fine to really want to be a in a relationship, but what's not ok is to spring for the first person who shows interest in us against our better judgement (I have a history of unhealthy relationships). I was beating myself up at first for wanting to be in a relationship, like I'm damaged and am supposed to completely be happy with being single and I've realized it's fine to want something different eventually but to still accept things as they are. For myself I've never had much of a chance to live alone so I've enjoyed decorating my apartment the way I like, filling it with things that make me happy, playing music I like every day, rediscovering old interests and hobbies, and making new friends. I've taken up a course that keeps me busy on the evenings and weekends I'm not with my child, and it's put me in touch with a lovely group of (older and wiser) women and that has been such a supportive and healing environment for me. I don't think pets can replace human love either but if I thought I could handle fostering a cat or dog I would totally do so, or volunteer at a shelter and practice compassion that way. If you can take a short trip that could be great for you right now. I went on a 5-day trip that was work-related but allowed me some time off and I had great fun chatting people up (allowed because you're a tourist and who cares), and you'd be amazed at how many people are also out there alone/divorced and ready to bitch a little about their exes for a few minutes (again allowed because tourist/stranger/who cares). Exploring a new place alone was also very empowering and low risk - perfect for this time.
It's a new year, and instead of resolutions make a list of things you would enjoy doing, and start putting things in place for it to happen. My list this year includes at least one camping trip, learning to sew some simple things with a sewing machine (curtains, napkins, summer skirts, cushion covers), doing some weekend trips with friends who moved away in the last couple of years, hosting a dinner or movie night at least a few times, finally getting rid of some things in storage I've been moving around for years but not using, and maybe some hula-hooping or paddle-boarding classes once my course is over. I've found that learning new skills/doing new things is really wonderful because it gives some self esteem/confidence in oneself and opens up new experiences/habits. Just do one small thing for yourself each day (like buy fancy chocolate or a nice scarf) if these things sound like too much right now, you can do this.
posted by lafemma at 8:08 AM on January 3, 2015 [5 favorites]
About your family not being the family you hoped for: I know of very few people who have not been greatly disappointed in that regard in some way, even the people with "good" relationships with their families. It sounds like they really do care about you, and it's hard to know what was going on with them and you and your ex. Work on accepting your family for who they are (it sounds like you're doing this, and I don't mean accept bad behaviour from them), and continue working out how you enjoy/tolerate your interactions with them. I think as adults we all come to terms with the contrast between who we wanted our parents to be, who they really are, forgiving whatever happened in the past, and accepting that they have done/are doing the best they can, it's very hard work and requires acknowledging those early and continued hurts. You might find your family hard to deal with as a group but maybe some one-on-one interactions with a focus on doing something (like a workshop or a shopping trip) are much better. Sometimes by removing expectations and accepting people for who they are wonderful things can happen. My family is not the "sit around at a table together having nice conversation" type (I'm learning haha), so now instead of trying that I'm going to movies with them, ordering some pizza and wings and just being with them.
About who to blame for your break-up: it's not uncommon for relationship issues to surface at the point of a more serious commitment (like an engagement), and it can be a sign of escalating abuse (it can also just be a thing that happens when things get comfortable). So it could be a simple coincidence that your ex treated you less well at the same time that he was spending time with your family. It's also true that perhaps he saw the dynamics in your family and they brought out some bad behaviour, unconsciously or consciously. Either way it doesn't sound like it was a healthy relationship to stay in if you weren't able to work things out so that you were being treated with respect so perhaps over time you'll be thankful that you didn't get married to this man. Consider why you think you want to only be with your ex when he didn't treat you kindly. Your ex may have had abusive or very dysfunctional tendencies and you did your best to resolve things but it just didn't work, or the two of you were just not compatible and it was no one's fault. I find the last explanation to be the one that leaves the most room for compassion and moving forward, although it can take time to get there and that's okay. It's only now (nearly seven months in), that I'm like "oh, I can see how maybe my ex was doing the best he could with the tools he had".
In dealing with social interactions with people who are not my mom or my closest friends I do my best to adopt a kind, no-nonsense attitude about the break-up that is essentially "Yes it's really a shame we can't be together, we just weren't compatible but I wish him the best", and leave it at that, and I've been pleasantly surprised by how open and fine with it people are (I felt a lot of guilt about ending the relationship because we have a young child and was expecting that to be mirrored but so far that hasn't happened). Friends and acquaintances may simply be worried that if they reach out to you they'll be inviting drama in, so if you head off the drama people will respond positively to that and get over the break-up more easily than you might think. I try not speak ill of my ex to our mutual acquaintances, or to new people I meet (this required me to not really go out for a few months). I've started journaling to channel my less kind impulses instead of sharing them with people. If you can afford to pay a therapist to listen to you that might be helpful in terms of validating how you feel, but for myself I've realized ultimately I can repeat myself ad nauseum but if I don't work on digesting those emotions and experiences through other means (like journaling, meditating, doing new things) I won't be able to move past them no matter how many times I recite them to others. There are lots of self-help books that can help with this (I particularly like "Be the Person You Want to Find" by Cheri Huber).
To deal with the existential crisis I've learned to do a lot of things alone, and while it is lonely at times, it's also empowering (I love the idea of pretending to be Amelie/cooler version of oneself). This is what I have done to some extent. I've become a regular at a small restaurant (where it's not that unusual to sit and read or be alone, and I go during their slow times if I can) with friendly/cool servers and staff and a great atmosphere. Going in there alone at first was hard, I felt self conscious but several months in I have a safe place I can go where everyone knows my name, I'm treated kindly, and can chit-chat comfortably, a true drama-free zone where no one cares about my ex or my family (and now I'm one of those cool people who can sit and eat a meal in silence/alone - yay for me). I've gone to concerts alone, sat alone (despite seeing people I know, I just smile and wave or say a brief hello), and gone home alone and that has also been great if scary at first. I think for the first few months I couldn't handle more than that because I was still so raw, so it was nice to be surrounded by people occasionally in an immersive experience but still be alone. Now I'm starting to go out to events where I know I'll see many mutual acquaintances and I still have to remind myself not to bring in my grievances with my ex but I'm feeling more and more ready to re-enter parts of my old/new life, and like I said people have reacted positively to me and I try hard not to bring up my ex or say unkind things, I put on my best "yes breaking up sucks but I'm still awesome/life goes on" face. Remember that you can control the image you project, and if people don't respond positively you can set a boundary so that you're not close to them. People don't care as much as you think they do about your life. Lots of people break up, most people in relationships right now will be single again.
It can help to remind yourself that even though you feel like you'll be single forever, it's highly unlikely so it's best to try to take what you can from the experience while it lasts, including the loneliness (not to say to wallow in it but accept it when it comes). I did do therapy and one pearl that came from my therapist was that it's very normal and fine to really want to be a in a relationship, but what's not ok is to spring for the first person who shows interest in us against our better judgement (I have a history of unhealthy relationships). I was beating myself up at first for wanting to be in a relationship, like I'm damaged and am supposed to completely be happy with being single and I've realized it's fine to want something different eventually but to still accept things as they are. For myself I've never had much of a chance to live alone so I've enjoyed decorating my apartment the way I like, filling it with things that make me happy, playing music I like every day, rediscovering old interests and hobbies, and making new friends. I've taken up a course that keeps me busy on the evenings and weekends I'm not with my child, and it's put me in touch with a lovely group of (older and wiser) women and that has been such a supportive and healing environment for me. I don't think pets can replace human love either but if I thought I could handle fostering a cat or dog I would totally do so, or volunteer at a shelter and practice compassion that way. If you can take a short trip that could be great for you right now. I went on a 5-day trip that was work-related but allowed me some time off and I had great fun chatting people up (allowed because you're a tourist and who cares), and you'd be amazed at how many people are also out there alone/divorced and ready to bitch a little about their exes for a few minutes (again allowed because tourist/stranger/who cares). Exploring a new place alone was also very empowering and low risk - perfect for this time.
It's a new year, and instead of resolutions make a list of things you would enjoy doing, and start putting things in place for it to happen. My list this year includes at least one camping trip, learning to sew some simple things with a sewing machine (curtains, napkins, summer skirts, cushion covers), doing some weekend trips with friends who moved away in the last couple of years, hosting a dinner or movie night at least a few times, finally getting rid of some things in storage I've been moving around for years but not using, and maybe some hula-hooping or paddle-boarding classes once my course is over. I've found that learning new skills/doing new things is really wonderful because it gives some self esteem/confidence in oneself and opens up new experiences/habits. Just do one small thing for yourself each day (like buy fancy chocolate or a nice scarf) if these things sound like too much right now, you can do this.
posted by lafemma at 8:08 AM on January 3, 2015 [5 favorites]
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posted by JimN2TAW at 11:18 AM on January 2, 2015 [6 favorites]