Forget it, doc, I think it's really cool that you're concerned...

May 31, 2013 8:00 PM

I've recently experienced a significant family loss. I also need to leave my long-term partner. How does this go exactly?

A few weeks back, I lost a close and significant family member in a very traumatic and unexpected way, and it required me to leave my long-term partner behind in our current city to mind our place. Unfortunately, I've also been deeply dissatisfied in my relationship leading up to this, and I've been in therapy for a number of months trying to map out my feelings and the best way to move forward. Needless to say, I hadn't quite made it to the breakup stage before this whole thing unfurled.

Since I've been gone, ze* has called and texted to express the opinion that I'm not opening up to hir enough about what's going on, that I should be more forthcoming about my feelings, etc. I sorta resent the implication that I, as the griever, owe hir some kind of specific emotional experience in the midst of all this. But I really haven't missed hir at all, nor needed hir compassion, and haven't wanted to open up about it because I feel like it would be unkind to put hir through all that and then walk away.

Today I'm coming home, and I feel like I need to stop keeping hir in suspense like this, but I'm also feeling guilty that ze has been here handling our entire home life for the past month. I also know ze is going to expect me to come back and open up and have this very "meaningful" couples bonding experience (whatever that means to hir), when I really just want to pack up, get out, and process all this stuff in my own way, and in my own time.

So, in short: What's the kindest way to break up with someone when they've just (tried to) have your back through a family crisis?

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* gender-neutral pronouns to preserve anonymity

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (12 answers total)

I agree with Greg. In this case kindness=honesty.

I guess I would also encourage you to consider whether a bit of distance, time wise, from your recent loss might help keep the two events from contaminating each other ( if that is at all possible).
posted by HuronBob at 8:28 PM on May 31, 2013 [1 favorite]

I don't think you should make this decision at this point in time, given the seriousness of your relationship. You didn't get to a shared life with him or her by accident. I suggest you communicate your need for emotional space, and see if you feel the same about ending it once some of the shock wears off from the trauma, and you've had a chance to work through things a little more with the therapist. I understand your desire to turn off emotionally, and that this person is going to stand in the way of that plan.

FWIW, I had a kind and loving partner and broke off with him after I gained a little emotional space via geography while he was taking care of our homestead. I think it would've ended anyway, but I regret having bailed the way I did, and wish I hadn't just shut down and "packed up" as you put it.

Act from a place of love. For you, and for him/her. Towards you, and towards him/her. Don't end it when you've got a gaping wound. For either of your sake's.

Now give me my penny.
posted by letahl at 8:29 PM on May 31, 2013 [12 favorites]

If this is a long-term partner did they also have a relationship with your close family member? Or even vicariously experienced a relationship through you telling of your experiences with the family member? Perhaps they are grieving too, and what you thought was them wanting to discuss your Feelings was actually an attempt to share their own in a supportive way.

Although you have been struggling with your feelings about your relationship for months you do not appear to have shared those feeling with your partner, nor explored couples counselling. Why do you think that is? You also hadn't made up your mind until after the recent trauma; making major life decisions after a traumatic event is usually not recommended. Have you continued your therapy this past month, or have you been dealing with all this heavy stuff by yourself?

Unless I have misread your question, it just seems rather cold to a long-term partner to end a relationship without first having multiple discussions about joint challenges and trying to problem-solve them together. Oftentimes, the problems that seemed unique to one relationship, and lead to a unilateral dissolving of the relationship, crop up in the next one as unresolved issues.
posted by saucysault at 8:30 PM on May 31, 2013

Frankly, if you have been mapping out a way to break up with Ze before this, and hold them in contempt for even asking about your grief, the kindest way would be to be honest from now on out. Because it sounds like you have been leading them on while they have been expecting a future relationship with you. And that is very, very unkind indeed.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 8:33 PM on May 31, 2013 [13 favorites]

You tell them that you need some time to yourself. I don't think you should be rushing into any decision in your current situation, but nor do I think you should maintain a facade or continue to live with Ze at the moment given that it could potentially blow up into a mess that would hurt Ze even more.
posted by heyjude at 8:45 PM on May 31, 2013

I'm not sure you owe your partner any more than you usually do (kindness, respect, honesty) while you are going through a tragedy. If Ze were going through a tragedy, it might skew differently. It's OK, and pretty common, for major life events to resonate out into other areas of one's life.
posted by jaguar at 8:50 PM on May 31, 2013

I think "kind" isn't really the right goal. To me, if you are trying to be nice or kind, that sends mixed signals. It is too warm for a break up. It leaves them thinking you are conflicted, hoping you will change your mind. It promotes drama.

I think the best mental space for a break up is to be polite and respectful while stopping the "I still CARE!" signals. Validate the good things they have done. Thank them for taking care of things while you were away. Let them know that this kind of pressure is typically a make-or-break moment for a relationship and your discovery was that, to your surprise, the answer was break, not make. And then accept that this person will feel however they feel and it mostly is no longer your problem. That's what breaking up means.

When I was divorcing and the future ex would fret about me because I was a sick unemployed homemaker who could not get a job, I told him "We are getting divorced. It isn't your problem anymore. Your responsibility begins and ends with giving me my alimony and child support on time and in full every month. That's it. The rest is for me to deal with."

Getting sucked into picking them up off the floor emotionally only prolongs the pain and makes it harder to disengage. It keeps the bond alive. Don't be ugly and don't kick them while they are down, but accept that breakups suck and people are typically upset and that's okay. That's how these things work. And stop trying to be nice. Be neutral. Be "professional." Be polite. Be respectful. But resist the urge to be "kind." It usually just makes things worse.
posted by Michele in California at 8:50 PM on May 31, 2013 [3 favorites]

Sooo... I sense this kind of undertone that Z is being pretty self-centered, right?

ze* has called and texted to express the opinion that I'm not opening up to hir enough about what's going on, that I should be more forthcoming about my feelings, etc.

I also know ze is going to expect me to come back and open up and have this very "meaningful" couples bonding experience (whatever that means to hir), when I really just want to pack up, get out, and process all this stuff in my own way, and in my own time.

Z is turning your grief into something that's all about what Z wants. Z feels you owe him/her a specific emotional experience about your relative dying and is pushing for that because that's what Z wants and Z doesn't care what you want. Z will also push for a "meaningful couples experience" because Z loves having those and doesn't care how it affects you. Right?

Are you sure?

I don't know either of you and this could be a complete misinterpretation. But... is there any possibility that you are interpreting Z's actions as way more assholish than they are so that you will feel less guilt breaking up with Z? Both breaking up with Z AND doing it with less care than you might have otherwise?

After all, Z deserved it! Z was totally pushy and self-centered and only cared about what Z wanted in a time of extreme grief for me!

Are you sure the reason Z is asking how you are is that Z feels "owed a specific emotional experience" and not .... that Z cares about you and is fumbling blindly for some kind of way they can be there for you and is trying to share your emotional burden?

Are you sure the reason Z wants to have a "meaningful couples experience" when you get back is that Z just likes having experiences like that and not.... that Z thinks it would help ease your pain?

I.... I would say just be careful. Again, I don't know. Maybe Z is totally self-centered and that's true.

But if not, please please please be careful of punishing Z for doing things that Z wholeheartedly intends FOR you, to help you, because Z loves you. I'm not saying you have to accept those things or stay with Z because of them and it's fine if they don't work for you. But please don't treat Z like Z is a self-centered harpy for doing them, if they are not actually self-centered.

It will be hard to break up with Z. It will hurt Z. Z has been your partner for a long time. It would be hard for many people to do it.

Please don't take the easy way out of painting Z as the bad guy who has done something wrong, so that you can dump Z more roughly.

I would also say, if you can, please do your best to conduct the breakup with the same gentleness as you would have if you were not recently bereaved at all. It's definitely one of those circumstances where a lot of people would not blame you for being a bit more mean than normal. But it would be a very good thing, to use the strength you have and be just as kind to Z, anyway.
posted by cairdeas at 9:58 PM on May 31, 2013 [22 favorites]

I thought your assessment of your still-partner's concern about your well-being while away dealing with a significant tragedy uncharitable and off-base. Well, offensive, actually.

I think you are partially responding out of trauma, and your partner is going to be blindsided. Just so you know.

In fact, your partner might discount your break-up and think you are reacting to grief and taking that out on them.

Be blunt and honest from here on out. The timing is not ideal.
posted by jbenben at 12:26 AM on June 1, 2013 [4 favorites]

I suspect Ze already knows something has gone wrong between you which has nothing to do with your recent loss. You say you were 'deeply dissatisfied' with the relationship for quite a while prior to the death. I would bet that Ze has felt your pulling away well before you had to leave town, and that accounts for the calls and texts expressing a desire for you to be more emotionally available.

So, I think Ze will not be surprised. Unhappy, but not surprised. And it sounds like your mind is made up.

Best pull the bandage off with one decisive pull. Just be matter-of-fact about it. The cruelest thing of all would be to attempt to break things off, while sending mixed signals in an attempt to be kind.
posted by fikri at 6:37 AM on June 1, 2013 [2 favorites]

My condolences on your recent bereavement.

Agreeing with those who gently suggest you try not to mix up the two issues. As someone who's been there with regard to bereavement, I can tell you that even wonderful relationships can be stressed to the max at times like this. I spent a lot of time after my mother died listening to my father complain about how this or that person had acted while it was all going on. The thing is, everyone had acted in ways they were probably not proud of during that period, and everyone had some forgiving to do for ways other people had acted. I really love my partner, but have felt very let down by him at various points when my mother and then my father died. Not because of his conduct throughout, but because of specific things he did that I thought made it more difficult for me. In hindsight it seems like he may have done some (apparently self-centered) things because he felt threatened at how quickly relationships seemed seemed to be shifting at those times.

By all means leave your partner if you were already planning to. The timing isn't great but it's hardly unusual; relationships often break up when other bad stuff is going on. But don't hold their efforts to help you, or their efforts to keep the relationship together, against them.
posted by BibiRose at 9:48 AM on June 1, 2013 [1 favorite]

I was once living with a woman. Things were not going well, and I was starting to become very unhappy. She did not feel the same way. The week I was going to tell her I was leaving, her mother called us over, she had news. Stage 3 lung cancer.

It took about 6 months, but she eventually died. I stayed with the woman and tried to help her through this time. She was at times almost crazy with grief. A further 7 months of this. Then I had a significant tragedy of my own. I went home, did all the wake and funeral stuff, came back and broke up with her.

My logic was simple. Your grief is your grief. What I found was that I got completely sick of other people grieving all over me. People would break down and have to hold me and all that nonsense. And this woman was starting to get very clingy and say stuff like what the questioner wrote. I neither wanted nor needed it. So, away she went. I moved out all my stuff and moved 4 states away, all within 8 days of that tragedy.

So they say you should never break up a relationship or move for a year after a death. I did both within a week and a half of mine. I'm still sure it was the right thing to do, 15 years later.
posted by nevercalm at 3:59 PM on June 1, 2013 [1 favorite]