How do I better get my boyfriend off? NSFW

March 5, 2009 7:24 PM

So I've started dating this guy. He is 24 and I am 22. We're both unbelievably attracted to each other. Our sex life is mostly awesome. Or at least I think it is. I get off bunches. Him less so.

He's come in me maybe twice, the rest of the time after one of us (mostly him) declares the penetrative portion of intercourse "done," he'll then take off the condom and finish in my mouth. The problem is this takes a really, really, really long time; a lot of time as long as the sex itself (twenty to thirty minutes). His dick often goes soft in the middle of it. Plus, when I say "finish in my mouth" I really mean I blow him for a little while until he gets frustrated with my speed or irregular bobbing or something and jerks it, my face buried in his balls, until eventually he goes "Ok!" and comes in my mouth. I've only brought him to orgasm through oral twice. This is really NSFW.

I am young and somewhat inexperienced but kinky and a fast learner and not even close to a virgin. I've gotten, um, "positive reviews" on my oral skills before, but when I'm blowing him I get very little feedback. He pretty much lies there in silence until he orgasms. Sometimes he watches a little TV.

Oral with my previous partners was usually less face in balls/bobbing frantically on the tip and more of a full body thing. He is much more experienced than I am, he's had ten times as many sexual partners, and he's also pretty into porn. He is uncool with having his nipples played with, uncool with having his taint played with, way uncool with anything butt-related, and super ticklish literally all over. He feels impossible to touch. He is pretty into dirty talk, so I've attempted that with varying degrees of success. I mostly feel ridiculous.

Also, when I'm on top, he's pretty much only okay with a really fast up and down jack-off-esque motion which is, while mostly fun if not particularly arousing, exhausting after only a few minutes. When he's on top, my only job is to more or less lie there and take it.

I'd like to give him spectacular head that leaves him speechless. In a good way. More than anything I'd like him to get off inside of me or soon after pulling out, not after twenty minutes. I'd like to know how to do this.

posted by chichimimizu to human relations (32 comments total)

He needs to watch less porn. Porn, and the appurtenant masturbation that generally comes with it, is a real sex-killer when partaken of excessively.
posted by turgid dahlia at 7:27 PM on March 5 [3 favorites]

Sometimes he watches a little TV.

This is totally cliche now, but for fuckssake DTMFA
posted by M.C. Lo-Carb! at 7:33 PM on March 5 [36 favorites]

I have a couple of disjointed tips.

Sex doesn't have to end when the man gets off. On the reverse, the two of you don't have to wait for him to get off before stopping sex. Especially if he's already come that day and is having trouble reaching an orgasm. With that in mind, I think one problem may be that he's having difficulty maintaining an erection (NOT YOUR FAULT), and then is trying too hard to come afterwards - by tensing up, by staying still while you blow him, by falling back on the tried-and-true instead of interacting with you. This is all sort of conjecture but it seems pretty common to me.

One thing to try When he goes soft, or he says to stop, instead of continuing or going harder, back off a little bit. I mean, don't pretend like he's disappointed you or the sex is done, just slow down, back off, reassure him that you think he's so hott, yadda yadda yadda. Maybe get up and change the MP3 or get a glass of water or something, then come back and start from the beginning.

On preview I missed the bit about the TV. WTF??? This isn't your problem at all. This dude needs to seriously wake up and communicate WTF his problem is.
posted by muddgirl at 7:40 PM on March 5 [2 favorites]

Porn is probably a part of the problem. Sounds to me like he is doing the mechanics of sex but isn't really there. TV should be turned off, for starters.
posted by vrakatar at 7:41 PM on March 5 [1 favorite]

I'm going to add on with the TV thing. Uncool. If you guys plan ahead when you'll hang out/have a date, maybe suggest that he not watch porn/masturbate too much that day (or at all if he can handle that) before your date. It also sounds like porn has given him some interesting expectations of sex, like only being able to come in your mouth, and not inside you. He may have had lots more partners, but that doesn't mean the sex was good with them.
posted by fructose at 7:44 PM on March 5 [1 favorite]

Get a new boyfriend, one who actually appreciates sex. He sounds like a complete dud and isn't the sort of boy I'd put up with in bed.

First, stop thinking of this as *your* problem or your failure - it isn't: it's his. He needs to get involved in sex with you. From your description of his skills/performance, it sounds like he's thinking of everything except you while you're trying to get him off. That's not fair to you.

Take a hint from past experiences: yours. Your past partners claim you're good (as the wonderful Dan Savage would say: "GGG" (good, game, giving)). Believe the past performance reviews you've received. Your BF doesn't sound like he's GGG at all.

Second, the tv shouldn't be on, unless you two have been watching porn *together* and it just happens to still be going.

It might be that he's 'just not that into you', in which case he should man up, say something and let you move on before he does damage to your self esteem. Man up for him and move on.
posted by LOLAttorney2009 at 7:45 PM on March 5 [7 favorites]

I'd go along with turgid... big flag is "watches a lot of porn", which likely means he masturbates quite a bit. At this point he has kind of desensitized himself, so needs longer and rougher sex to get off. Masturbation is fine and good, but when in a relationship that involves sex too much of it often hinders performance.

Yeah the "sometimes he watches a little TV" is just plain disrespectful and rude.

I won't invoke the DTMFA, but honestly? He doesn't sound like a great sex partner (having more experience and more partners does not equal being better at it) and doesn't seem to enjoy the process of sex, just the final outcome (which is what masturbation is all about after all)... and that's pretty tedious.
posted by edgeways at 7:46 PM on March 5

He needs to watch less porn. Porn, and the appurtenant masturbation that generally comes with it, is a real sex-killer when partaken of excessively.

This is a real possibility.

Also, there is also the possibility that you don't have the right sexual "chemistry". Some people are just not good at getting each other off (or it works well for one person only). If you're new to this relationship and already having trouble getting him off, you need to consider the possibility that it's not a good match between you two sexually.

More than anything I'd like him to get off inside of me

You can try flexing your PC muscles during sex; work up some strength with kegels.

Sometimes he watches a little TV.

That's fucked up, it's got to stop. It's his way of saying how bored he is, and it's disrespectful to you and the effort you're putting in.
posted by Simon Barclay at 7:47 PM on March 5

Your sex life as described isn't mostly awesome, it mostly stinks. This isn't your only problem but there is definitely something amiss with him, it isn't your technique, it's some issue, probably mental. What it sounds like is that he's totally geared his libido to the pace of porno, which is of course the pace of rampant masturbation. Or maybe it's this death grip thing I keep reading about or maybe he's jaded his mind with the really nasty kinky stuff he beats off to when you're not around or maybe he's got performance anxiety. Maybe he's secretly on antidepressants. I can tell you from related-to-me experience that it isn't uncommon and it is not necessarily going to get better by itself. You're going to have to talk to him about it.
posted by nanojath at 7:51 PM on March 5 [5 favorites]

He's the one with the problem, not you.

You should make it clear to him that you want him to cum quicker, that you're concerned about things. If he get's the hint he'll become more engaged, if not... he's probably not that into you.

Also, what you're describing is mostly unsafe sex, so I hope you know and trust this person.
posted by wfrgms at 7:53 PM on March 5 [1 favorite]

This sounds . . . awful. It's not your problem. Watching TV? Just going through the motions? He may be attracted to you, but he's not into you. Good luck. :(
posted by Optimus Chyme at 8:03 PM on March 5

I'd like to know how to do this.

If he's more experienced than you, yet doesn't know and/or can't communicate what gets him hot, then you can't do it.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:04 PM on March 5

Y'all are overly negative for real. Didn't you see she gets off a lot? So clearly she's into dudes that are a little standoffish and disinterested yet able to boink for hours that she has to try and please. If she's happy I'm happy.

OP, stop trying to please so much. He's a guy. If he doesn't come that's his problem. Be open to whatever he wants but don't freak yourself out trying to guess. And if you want something, like to quit for the night or for him to do something specific more or less, say so. That's how grownups have sex, they talk about what they want.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 8:06 PM on March 5 [1 favorite]

Also, this guy is 24 and "he is much more experienced than I am, he's had ten times as many sexual partners"? Even if you've only had one other sexual partner, it sounds like this guy enjoys banging around a bit, or is merely a liar, so I hope you're not investing too much of yourself in this little dalliance.

"...when I'm blowing him I get very little feedback. He pretty much lies there in silence until he orgasms. Sometimes he watches a little TV."

Echoing what everyone else is saying about the TV thing being completely unacceptable, and the fact that he provides you with no feedback and is silent while you are going down on him suggests that he is not, in fact, very experienced at all. The key component of successful sexual chemistry is communication, not only during the act, but prior to and afterwards.
posted by turgid dahlia at 8:07 PM on March 5 [2 favorites]

Yeah, the problem must be his debilitating porn addiction and the fact that he totally sucks in bed! [/sarcasm]

There are all kinds of things that could be going on here that have nothing to do with porn or a lack of skill on either of your parts.

1. He may have trouble getting off while wearing a condom. Lots of guys have that problem, and fucking for a bit, peeling it off, and then finishing in your partner's mouth is a common way to deal with it. Maybe your oral style doesn't appeal him and he needs to finish the task at hand himself.

2. Some guys (just like some girls) have trouble getting off without helping themselves. This may have to do with porn, or it may not.

3. He may just be quiet during sex. Some people yip like Lassie's coming home; others just close their eyes. They don't necessarily enjoy it any less.

4. More than anything I'd like him to get off inside of me or soon after pulling out, not after twenty minutes. Is it possible that he's sensing this from you? Nothing kills a boner quite like a ticking clock.

The thing that leaps out at me the most here is that you don't seem to have spoken to him about this. Chances are that neither of you is doing anything "wrong," but you aren't clicking for some reason. Give him a chance to tell you exactly what he thinks: does he want something different from you? Has he ever been able to get off with a condom on?

Another thing you might try is watching porn with him. Get a sense for what he likes. Don't assume he wants everything you see on screen though. Ask him.

Despite all of the above, don't stop getting off yourself. It's easy for sex to become all about the more difficult partner. At least 50 per cent of what goes on is for your benefit, so enjoy it guilt-free.

Finally, ignore everyone telling you that this is "his problem" or to DTMFA. If you like the guy you ought to at least have a single conversation about sex before with him you write him off. There may not even be a "problem" here, just a lack of communication. Also, changing your game plan to pleasure your partner is part of being in a relationship; it's not just "his problem" any more than it would be entirely "your problem" if you were having trouble getting off.
posted by hayvac at 8:38 PM on March 5 [1 favorite]

This is just a mechanical problem. You need to jack him off with lube - it'll be a lot quicker. Guys love blowjobs, for the first few minutes, but they often don't provide enough friction to get the job done.
posted by w0mbat at 8:41 PM on March 5 [1 favorite]

I'm gonna dissent and ask a few questions. Is he perfectionistic? Does he get down on himself a lot?

If so, therapy could help.
posted by Ironmouth at 9:29 PM on March 5

This scenario comes up regularly in Dan Savage's column. He attributes it to "death grip" masturbation. His usual prescription is that the boyfriend needs to go cold turkey on orgasms for a while, unless he gets them from you... and that this will re-sensitize him to stimulation more gentle than the clenched fist.

...when I'm on top, he's pretty much only okay with a really fast up and down jack-off-esque motion

This is pretty good evidence that it is the "death grip" desensitization and not some other problem.

On preview: Yeah, lube will help. And it seems like people are reading a lot into the TV-watching that may or may not be there. Maybe it's abusive, maybe not, it really depends on how YOU feel about it --- that's all that matters.
posted by qxntpqbbbqxl at 9:44 PM on March 5 [1 favorite]

Just nthing everyone else's advice here. I'll add that simply abstaining from "self fun times" is a good way to ensure the soft/losing it/not getting off thing doesn't happen. I had a similar issue because I was simply getting myself off too often. Have him go four or five days and you'll be amazed at the difference.

Meanwhile, he sounds like a disengaged asshole that probably needs a reality check. Does he particularly care about the sex? If not, find someone you're better matched with—it's a vital part of relationships, especially since you clearly value it.
posted by disillusioned at 11:39 PM on March 5

DTMFA.

Is this guy doing anything for you other than sex?

If he's doing anything for you other than sex; is the lack of good sex enough to make up for what he's doing for you?

You're *young* and there's a motherfuckload of other people out there. Dump this douchebag already and recognize douchebaggery before you get sucked in emotionally again.

--

In case he's not a douchebag, *ask* him what he likes. Failing that, play with his scrotum-covered testicles and maybe even finger his peri-anal area (eg., rub your fingertip around the edges/ridges of his asshole).
posted by porpoise at 12:37 AM on March 6

If it's "death grip" related, you can get him off inside you, but it takes some cooperation. So here it is: Missionary. Lock his penis tightly between your legs while he's inside you (without crushing his testicles). Have him lock your legs between his, so that he can adjust the grip as desired. Rather than thrusting in and out, have him go "up and down" your body. It won't take long, if you do it properly.
posted by smorange at 12:53 AM on March 6

You are trying too hard. I understand that you get off with him and you are really attracted to him, but what you are describing to me seems very disproportional-- you are treating him like a human being, he is treating you like a blow-up doll. For one thing, it disturbs me that after you have an orgasm or three you are required to work on him for another half an hour without any tenderness or affection from him. And he has to come in your mouth every single time? Sex should be exciting and fun and loving. After I have a mind-blowing orgasm, all I want to do is lie next to my lover on the bed and stroke him and be stroked by him and murmer sweet nothings until we get up, fall asleep, or go again.

My advice is to be more assertive with him and see what happens. If you tell him that the sexual act is "done" does he accept that or does he get mad? If you suggest something other than sucking him off until he comes in your mouth, does he accept it or does he get mad? I'm just wondering how he reacts when you remind him that you are a real human being with feelings and opinions and desires and not just his robot that he can use as he wants.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 7:26 AM on March 6 [1 favorite]

I understand the viewpoint of those saying this guy may just find it difficult to climax, or only climaxes a certain way. Heck, I find it difficult to reach orgasm a lot of the time and sometimes it takes 10-20 little "elbow grease" if you know what I mean. The difference is that I am accommodating. I give my guy feedback. I get involved. I don't push him away and then jill off on his face.

It sounds like this guy doesn't really even want to be having sex with his girlfriend. He watches TV while she's blowing him, for christ's sake. There's no law that requires two people to keep trying to make a guy climax if neither of them is particularly into it. Secret Life of Gravy's post really struck a chord with me, because I had the exact same thought - why should chichimimizu have to settle for being a warm blow-up doll? I certainly don't think that dumping him is the answer (because I don't think that sex is the most important thing in a relationship), but I do think they need to communicate a little bit before jumping in the sack again.
posted by muddgirl at 8:07 AM on March 6

I meant "10-20 minutes of 'elbow grease'"
posted by muddgirl at 8:07 AM on March 6

Just wanted to add that in the past I have had to put in extra time after my orgasm (or 3) to get my partner off. Sometimes the guy is drunk or has already come before or is physically exhausted. I'm not suggesting that sex always has to end with mutual orgasms, but it is disturbing that this happens to you every single time. For one thing you and he are far too young to have fallen into a sexual rut. This is the time to try different things. Explore. Be creative. Get away from the bedroom and the TV and the missionary/woman on top positions.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 8:09 AM on March 6

"he is much more experienced than I am, he's had ten times as many sexual partners"

These 2 statements are not necessarily related. Your man may have had a lot of partners, but he sounds not at all experienced. If you really like him outside of bed, have a very frank chat with him about all this. If not, move on.
posted by coolguymichael at 11:43 AM on March 6

I'm going to dissent with the porn thing - gorging on porn doesn't automatically mean he's addicted himself to the death grip syndrome.

The problem is that he's an asshole.

He watches TV, he uses your body solely as his own personal fleshlight, he won't communicate, he hates to be touched, but he loves dirty talk? Ass. Hole. He may have had way more partners than you, but my guess is every single one of them were just used as a break from the monotony of jacking himself off. Totally DTMFA.
posted by whycurious at 5:28 PM on March 6

The problem is that he's an asshole.

Seconded. Or thirded, or twenty-threed, or whatever we're up to now. The guy sounds like a nightmare. This kind of detached, selfish sex shouldn't be endured. Especially not by a young, vibrant, obviously sexy woman who is very interested in pleasing her partner. Don't wait for life to happen. Go out and find something worth living for.
posted by eleyna at 12:05 AM on March 7

He is much more experienced than I am

Yeah, more experienced, but a completely fucking useless lover. It's not your fault, I'm sure the next guy will be way better.
posted by The Monkey at 11:33 PM on March 8

Everyone takes different amounts of time to get comfortable. Maybe some suggestions would be good?
posted by plungerjoke at 12:36 AM on March 9

it is possible for me to get "over stimulated" to the point of not being able to cum. Maybe try taking it slower and less intensely
posted by Ekidnagrrl17 at 7:08 PM on March 17

You sound like the greatest girlfriend in the world.

I completely disagree with the people saying your boyfriend is an asshole. is there even a problem here?

You want to please him and he his getting off in a way that suits him.

I'd say just keep doing what you're doing.
posted by aTrumpetandaDream at 12:25 PM on March 24