Is there a reason to be happy?
December 6, 2008 10:33 AM Subscribe
I'm not happy. Can I be happy?
I'm unhappy with my life to the point that it's difficult to fulfill even modest obligations. For example, I'll set aside a free day to work on something; and when the time comes, I'll lay in bed and stare at the wall, dick around on the internet, drive around aimlessly, or otherwise shirk my responsibilities. It's not just that I'm procrastinating: I've grown to actively resent my life because it's no fun for me anymore. I feel bad about what I do, but I keep doing it.
I know I'm depressed, but what's worse is I can see logical reasons to be so. I'm in my late twenties, have a handful of dear friends, but oddball tastes that no one seems to get, and that sometimes make me feel alienated. I've never been in a relationship, and no girl -- aside from one in grade school who was tripping over herself around me, and to whom I was a sorrowful little asshole -- has ever been interested in me at all. What's worse again, is I can see logic in that as well. I'm not bad looking, a bad dresser, a bad conversationalist, or unemployed, but I am very below average height (5' 2"), a drop-out, and neither a smooth talker nor a killer disco dancer. I don't even know whether I'm interested in a relationship or not, and am afraid it'll be obvious it's all so foreign to me.
I frequently do things like radically change my appearance, or make big impulse buys, or provoke people, or do things that scare me, just to jolt myself from my general state of creeping numbness. I read constantly, I work full time, I volunteer, I go to parties, I've improved myself over the years; and yet I feel virtually nothing on a typical day.
I just want to feel something better than what I'm feeling now.