What should I do when people (specifically, male friends) don't respond? Warning: this does get kind of long.
posted by awesomepenguin to human relations (40 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
So, I need some advice. I've written about this situation quite a few times and it turned out to be rather long, so I'm going to try and keep it short.
This past summer I met a guy at a place where I was volunteering at. So far, this has been the only time we've met in person, but he seemed like such a nice guy- he asked me questions, he was nice, and we really seemed to hit it off. It kind of blew me away, considering that I'm not exactly the type of girl guys just go up and talk to unless it's as a joke- I'm a big girl and have social anxiety, which in turn is a side effect of something that I won't go into here. A few days later, I got a hold of his e-mail address from the head of volunteering- it was in a mass e-mail he sent, so it's not like I asked anyone for it- and then I Facebooked him. I was so worried that he would think it was weird and not accept, but he did, and we exchanged messages back and forth. After a few of those, I asked him if he wanted to hang out. By then it was close to the end and he was transferring to a new school, so he told me that he'd be busy, but that he'd see. Again I panicked, figuring that he was looking for an easy way to blow me off, but then I sent him another message about volunteering and he responded to that. I think it's worth mentioning here that at one point I did like him as more than a friend, but I kind of stopped pursuing that when he got a gf (they have since broken up, I think).
Since then, though, it's been spotty. We're both at school now, and I would like to try and get together over winter break (we live in the same area). I've written him two e-mails, but the first one he responded to after I wrote on his wall and told him I wrote him one, and he has yet to respond to the second one, which I mailed in late Sept. He seems to be on Facebook a bit more, and so in mid-Oct. I wrote him a private message telling him that if he didn't want to talk to me, he could just tell me, hoping that that would get him to e-mail me back. He responded (after a few hours) that he would respond, but that he was too busy right now and that he'd write back when the work lightened. I get busy at school too, so this seemed convincing.
Thing is, my Facebook news feed keeps reporting that there are these photos being added of him at parties, etc. at his new school There are even some with him in New York. It's like, he went to all these things, and "didn't have the time" to respond to my e-mail or contact me. And this is what has me doubting. But he responded earlier, and I think if he didn't want to talk to me, he would have made it clear by now, even if he was the sensitive type or thought I was going after him romantically. And even if he was sensitive, I don't think I did anything that day we met that would reveal to him that I'd be upset by him not wanting to talk to me anymore.
So, I don't know what to do. I don't have many friends, let alone guy friends, and I want to try and keep this running and not screw it up. It's very hard for me to make guy friends, partly because of the stuff about me I mentioned earlier, and partly because I go to a women's college, and the guys that come here are just not suitable (that's the most succinct way to put it) and I'm simply incapable of just going up to a guy at a club or a bar or even a bookstore and getting a conversation going. This guy was one of the few I met that I felt I could talk to. We had a lot of stuff in common- we both like a lot of the same indie films/music/books, and while it's not hard to find someone like that here at school, a lot of them don't like talking to me, and I don't know why. He was the first guy I met who had a fucking brain in his skull who 1) liked me at least as a friend and 2) wasn't a professor. I really want to hang out with him and talk about stuff while we're both home. But every time I talk to someone about this, I keep getting "no response is a response" and "if he says he has no time to respond, he really means he has no time for you." I'm not sure if this is the case with him, and so I want to give him another chance.
But should I? Should I call him out on the pictures, etc.? What should I do?