Express yourself.

November 1, 2008 12:45 PM

To what degree do you (or people in general) share your emotions with other people? with your therapist? I'm mostly particularly interested in "negative" emotions, e.g. sadness, guilt, fear, anger, shame, etc.

In the past couple of years, I've had a lot of intense, probably frightening emotions that I have felt unsafe sharing with anyone else. I'm doing much MUCH better, but it makes me feel sad and false at times that I can't just share my thoughts or feelings with other people. I actually just started therapy, and I like my therapist a lot, but I'm having trouble expressing myself with her, too. We pretty much wasted a whole session yesterday with her asking me questions and me answering that I didn't know. The thing is, a lot of times I DO know; I just get flustered or very unsure of myself when I feel put on the spot for answers. I was struck with just this feeling of sadness and guilt yesterday during our session, and I just didn't say anything about it, even when my therapist remarked that I seemed distracted. I guess I'm struggling with what degree of openness and self-expression is appropriate to have in relationships with other people, including my therapist.

So, my question is, to what degree do you (or people in general) share your emotions with other people? with your therapist? I'm mostly particularly interested in "negative" emotions, e.g. sadness, guilt, fear, anger, shame, etc.

posted by Alligator to human relations (9 comments total)

i rarely share my negative spectrum emotions with "real life" non/internet friends. it's taken me some time to even open up with my therapist about the deeper levels of those emotions. it's hard and it's kind of sucky. the more you're used to repressing or dissociating negative emotions, the more i think it's intrinsically painful to release them.

i would definitely recommend letting your therapist know where you're at, when you're feeling something negative during the session. it can help him/her know where to go next. think of therapy as a safe place for you to learn how to deal with these emotions. even if you can only express them in the most rudimentary ways. i often tell my therapist that i'm feeling "not good" while we're talking about something difficult. sometimes he's able to get me to tell him more, sometimes that's all i got (i tend to go quite blank at times like that) but over the last year, he's developed a lot better sense of where i am and what's going to trigger me from these things i let him in on. perhaps ask your therapist during a time that you're NOT feeling bad what he/she thinks about emotions that come up during sessions and how he/she might interpret them or react to them.

best of luck
posted by Soulbee at 1:08 PM on November 1, 2008

Look, I am Brazilian, and we express everything. This can be a pain, since your business becomes everybody else's business, so I would not follow that route. You should express everything with your therapist, since she's the best trained person to deal with that in an impersonal and fair way.

Aside from her, pick your best(est) friends (forever), the ones you can trust and have expressed themselves with you in the past, and talk to them. It doesn't matter what you have to say or how you say it, they will listen, and help you with their view. They will be able to offer advice of a sort a therapist cannot do, since she's not your friend and they are; they know you better than she does, and most importantly, they know the context in which you are having these feelings..
posted by dcrocha at 1:12 PM on November 1, 2008

Write up your feelings when you have the urge, then print and bring to your therapist.

This makes me wonder if there are any therapists who practice online? Since a lot of people express themselves better with the written word or online, it seems like there would be a demand for professional therapy over the net...
posted by infinityjinx at 1:19 PM on November 1, 2008 [1 favorite]

It took me way too long to go to therapy. When I finally did I went in with this thought "Not telling my therapist what I'm feeling is like not telling physician my symptoms." Without it they weren't going to be any use and just be a waste of my time and money.

It still took me a few sessions to get to the point where I did trust them enough, but really, they have nothing to gain and everything to lose by taking advantage of my vulnerability.

If you can't let go like that, you should really tell your therapist.

They're a pro. They've heard it all before and know exactly how to deal with it. It's not uncommon in the slightest.
posted by Ookseer at 1:25 PM on November 1, 2008

I used to be very cagey with my therapist when I was an undergraduate; then I realized I was hamstringing both him and myself--him because I wasn't being honest and myself because I was limiting his ability to help.

Your therapist might be excellent at her work, but it will be a great help to her if you are clear about what you are thinking and feeling. Otherwise she'll run the risk of making incorrect assumptions, maybe even asking you about them and not having them shot down. (Or, if she's very good and does not assume anything, then eventually she'll realize that she really doesn't know anything about your motivations and therefore can not help.)

I would not think of your time with your therapist as anything approaching friendship, but instead as a business relationship--you are paying her for a service. The service is to help you figure out what areas you're having troubles with and, more importantly, what to do about those troubles to avoid them entirely or to limit their harm.

If you're feeling strong emotions about one thing or another, then by all means let your therapist know. She will probably have a few questions to ask to clarify your state and your intentions--it's important to know, for instance, if you intend to harm yourself or anyone else--but therapists have studied strong emotions and are in the business of dealing with them. I wouldn't worry that she would think less of you or any other patient; if you get into an area that she's uncomfortable with then she should recognize that and refer you to someone who can help you better than she can.

As for your specific emotions--sadness, guilt, fear, anger, and shame are all very common emotions to work through in therapy. (Happiness, on the other hand, is rarely the subject of therapy.)

Be honest with her. It's her professional obligation to prevent you from causing harm to anyone, but it is not her professional obligation to hold you in judgment.
posted by johnofjack at 1:34 PM on November 1, 2008

I agree with people who say that if you want to get your money's worth, you need to take some risks. At the same time there are limits to how far you are ready to go, especially in the first few sessions. That's OK but if you are honest about it then you have something more useful to work with in the session. So, instead of saying "I don't know" say something more accurate like "this is hard to talk about" or "that question is making me uncomfortable".
posted by metahawk at 2:26 PM on November 1, 2008

A few years ago I was in therapy for a while and I actually wrote up what my main issues/concerns were ahead of the first session and printed this off and gave to my therpist. To me getting all that out up front was really helpful as it meant I did not have to worry about what I was or wasn't going to disclose during a later session.

Now I just use 2-3 close friends/family members to unload all manner of negative (and positive) emotions on. In particular I developed a strange kind of friendship with one of my colleagues who has become my informal counsellor - he gets to hear what makes me (un)happy, annoys me, makes me happy or sad and I know I can trust him to not share this information with anybody else. Added bonus is that whilst he's sympathetic he's also distant enough in every other way to be quite happy (and tactless enough) to tell me to get a grip when that is required.

And since I started to share my feelings with these people and found that they continue to support and love me regardless I have actually become a lot more relaxed about all manner of human interaction and a much happier person in general.

Either way your therapist is only going to be able to help you resolve your issues if you are honest and open. If you are not that's like telling your doctor about your coughing but not the blood you cough up. They can only work with what you give them and not what you withold.
posted by koahiatamadl at 5:13 PM on November 1, 2008 [1 favorite]

I used to share a lot more than I do now - I guess aging is making me more inhibited. I find therapists pretty difficult to talk to though. I think part of what makes opening up to friends easier for me is just having time. When I was 18 I had all this unscheduled time to just get to know people, and I'd end up sharing a lot of intimate details. Now my interactions are so rushed most of the time, it feels awkward to bring up the deeper stuff.
posted by serazin at 8:36 PM on November 1, 2008

You may be surprised that when you do tell your therapist about these emotions that:
1) they have heard this before
2) it is more common than you think
3) it is less "bad" than you think
4) it is not a sign of anything terrible within yourself
5) you are not going to be sent to the mental hospital the minute you close your mouth

If you like your therapist and think that they 'get' you and your problem, you are doing yourself a great disservice by not doing the work that you went there to do. It's easier to not bring those things up and then have to do the work surrounding those emotions, but it's a tremendous reward when you DO.
posted by micawber at 6:13 PM on November 2, 2008