How to behave in a threesome?

October 5, 2008 10:20 AM

I have been invited to a threesome with a female friend of mine and her boyfriend. I'm thinking of going for it, but have soube doubts on how to behave. Can the hive help me?

I have been in threesomes before, but at all times it was me, my gf and another girl, so I was running the show, telling them what to do, and doing whatever I felt like. It was good.

This time however this female friend invited me to a threesome with her boyfriend. So my question is: as this is *his*girlfriend, should I ask permission to do stuff with her ("you Sir, could you please switch positions so I can have some face time with your gf? kthanxbye") or just go ahead and do it?

My concern is that by taking the first approach would be too formal and the second one would increase the probability of me doing something that the guy dislikes. For example, I know she loves facials but it might be the case he doesn't enjoy seeing his gf getting one; that would be too late for him to complain!

So what should be my approach?

posted by anonymous to human relations (28 comments total)

If they were willing to ask beforehand, they're probably willing to talk about details too.
posted by scabrous at 10:28 AM on October 5

I'd vote for a third option: Instead of you "running the show" or asking the boyfriend for permission, let her be the decision-maker.
posted by Houstonian at 10:30 AM on October 5 [11 favorites]

What makes you think that the girl won't be running the show?
posted by 23skidoo at 10:31 AM on October 5 [14 favorites]

Is all this taking place in some subculture you might want to mention? In the absence of any other information, I'm baffled by these:

it was me, my gf and another girl, so I was running the show, telling them what to do, and doing whatever I felt like

as this is *his*girlfriend, should I ask permission to do stuff with her ("you Sir, could you please switch positions so I can have some face time with your gf? kthanxbye")
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 10:31 AM on October 5

Yeah you definitely need to ask what the rules are. We don't know how you roll, but even I would feel bad for you if you went into the situation thinking it's going to be you and another dude getting to take turns and double-team the 'ol GF... only to find out that you're the one who's gonna get double-teamed.

Another thing to consider here is that you don't have much to lose... its just sex for you, but for them it has the potential to impact their relationship.

Like sabrous implies... just ask what the rules are in advance and have fun!
posted by matty at 10:38 AM on October 5 [1 favorite]

Is all this taking place in some subculture you might want to mention?

I read that to mean that the OP had the original threesome with two women as a "gift" from his girlfriend and is expecting a similar scenario this time around.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 10:38 AM on October 5

Um...

I have been in threesomes before, but at all times it was me, my gf and another girl, so I was running the show, telling them what to do, and doing whatever I felt like. It was good.

Wow. Was it really?

For starters you might want to disabuse yourself of the idea that this dynamic is somehow a given, be the situation MFF or MMF or FFMMMFFM or whatever. You're obviously not going to be totally comfortable with the proposed situation if you think male naturally = dominant - because now there are TWO PENISSESS OH NOES!

In absence of any agreement or strong implication otherwise, there should be three leaders in a threesome, regardless of the genders involved. The other guy doesn't own his girlfriend, nor is he lending her to you. Repeat this in your head every day up until the tryst and you might make it out with your dignity intact.

And, yeah, why haven't you talked about boundaries with them, or at least the woman who invited you? People who are comfortable with talking about sex are sexy. And pardon the presumption but it sounds like the process would probably be really good for you, as would the actually healthy and respectful sex that might result.

Anyway, have fun. The key is to be flexible and open in the moment. The dynamics will probably shift many times throughout the encounter, and if you're cool with that, it'll be extremely rewarding.

On preview: What 23skiddoo said, too.
posted by regicide is good for you at 10:39 AM on October 5 [10 favorites]

I think since they've asked you in advance it's cool to talk about your concerns before the event also. These people are your friends right, just ask how they'd like it to go and what kinds of things they'd like you to do. It might seem awkward, but it's better than feeling like you're going to do something wrong and missing something fun. After all, they might have something in particular that they want you to do. Have fun!
posted by Craig at 10:40 AM on October 5

The interesting thing about this question is that you neglected to say whether you're a guy or a girl, yet it's obvious from the way you talk ("I was in threesomes with girls, so I gave the orders") that you're a guy. Not too subtle a guy, either.

I'd back off.

Also, not to get all Dan Savage on you, but: if you are a guy, you should think about what you'll be doing with the boyfriend. Are you and him going to be going down on each other, having one-on-one sex, etc? You'd better think about that. And you'd do best not to assume what she wants or what he wants beforehand.

Either way, you should probably all talk about this. And you should think about your own limits and what you want. If you're one of those guys who can't abide touching other guys sexually, well, that will be a major point you'll want to talk about with them. Given that you don't even mention this possibility (you're more concerned with whether you'll get to give this girl a facial) I think you'd better consider the fact that the boyfriend might be hoping for some face time with you.

Again, if that's something you're not comfortable with, well, you'd damn well better tell them.
posted by koeselitz at 10:43 AM on October 5 [13 favorites]

What makes you think that the girl won't be running the show?

Minor point: that's not the question and we don't know the dynamics of those involved. As the guy is clearly used to "running" a threesome and knows something of the female inviter's sexual likes and dislikes, he might have been invited to fulfill a chief or additional dominant role, who knows? There's all sorts of things that could be going on here.

yet it's obvious from the way you talk ("I was in threesomes with girls, so I gave the orders")

No, it's obvious because he talks about possibly giving the woman a facial.

Original poster: As with all relationships it's good to talk stuff out and ask questions if you're confused. She clearly asked you for a reason, there are all sorts of questions you have, so any sort of talking about it would probably help avoid confusion and awkward situations.

If you need to clarify something for this post, you can contact the mods via the link at the bottom of the page and they'll post your clarifications, allowing you to remain anonymous.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 11:19 AM on October 5

How do you know this isn't a present for her boyfriend? How do you know you aren't going to be the object of his affections? (This is why I've declined these invitations when I've gotten them.)

At minimum you need to fully understand the ground-rules going in, what she wants out of it and what her boyfriend wants out of it.
posted by orthogonality at 11:42 AM on October 5 [2 favorites]

Brandon Blatcher, I think that he means "facetime" in terms of facing/fucking the woman exclusively, not as a facial.
posted by unknowncommand at 11:59 AM on October 5

I think that he means "facetime" in terms of facing/fucking the woman exclusively

See the last paragraph in the original post:
For example, I know she loves facials but it might be the case he doesn't enjoy seeing his gf getting one; that would be too late for him to complain!
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 12:04 PM on October 5

Psst, unknowncommand: check the last sentence of the second-to-last paragraph.
posted by Johnny Assay at 12:07 PM on October 5

Just ask. It's the equivalent of going to a dinner party, and asking what's being served, so you can bring a nice wine to pair with it.
posted by SNWidget at 12:11 PM on October 5 [3 favorites]

Here's a simple approach: yes, definitely and directly ask him a few times, early on. This will show consideration and respect for him, which he will appreciate regardless of anything else. If his answers are "yeah, yeah, help yourself" every single time and it starts to feel like asking is awkward and not needed, then take some more initiative without permission. If, on the other hand, he says no to some things and yes to others, then you know he's going to want some kind of veto power, and then you give it to him. Pretty simple.
posted by scarabic at 12:40 PM on October 5

So what should be my approach?

Unless the people you're having a threesome with are in this thread, nobody here is going to be able to tell you. Talk to them about it. You're going to be having sex with them at some point. Surely chatting to them and saying "fellatio" isn't going to be that much of a biggie, given that you'll perhaps be performing the act in the future?

The problem is that everyone has different sexual tastes, so there are no "society rules" for something as intimate as a threesome. Sex with just 2 people is difficult enough to get right. Sex with 3 is something that needs discussing beforehand.
posted by Solomon at 12:52 PM on October 5

Echoing what everyone else said, you really need to ask them what the "ground rules" will be. If there are things you don't want to do (for example if you want to limit your sexual contact with the boyfriend) that's something you need to get out in the open beforehand, and discussing it with them will let them do the same. Basically, when in doubt, ask. It's better to be a little too polite than a little too presumptuous.
posted by you zombitch at 1:42 PM on October 5

>> Just ask. It's the equivalent of going to a dinner party, and asking what's being served, so you can bring a nice wine to pair with it.

I'd say it's the equivalent of going to a dinner party, and sharing your own potentially-fatal food allergies with the hostess in advance, so that she can adjust her menu accordingly.

In addition to some of the other good advice already given, I would suggest that you might be sensitive to whatever vibe the boyfriend puts off, during the pre-encounter meeting(s) and the encounter itself. I'm guessing that you're fairly close to the girlfriend (probably even an ex of your own, since you know she likes facials and she's comfortable enough with you to invite you into their bed), and obviously this is something she really wants... but she might have talked her boyfriend into it, and he agreed but isn't 100% about it... or he could have some jealousy issues lying dormant.

At the point where you agree to get into bed with both of them, you have some obligation to both of them, not just her. So an attitude of "why's he getting so weird while watching me bang his girl? she's clearly into it, so I have a right to be here" would be willfully obtuse. Feelings during sex can change rapidly, and what's cool and fun for everyone one minute could be strange and awkward the next, and you should be prepared to roll with that, and remember that you are essentially the guest at their party.

(....and, the metaphor has gone full circle. My work here is done.)
posted by pineapple at 3:27 PM on October 5 [1 favorite]

This thread is making me very uncomfortable.

Unless you are all specifically engaging in power exchange, then the person who should be in control of being banged by two men is the woman being banged by two men.

If, on the other hand, you are engaging in power exchange, then you sort it out with whichever of the two is in the dominant role.
posted by DarlingBri at 3:54 PM on October 5 [3 favorites]

Oh! Oh my. Nevermind.
posted by unknowncommand at 6:18 PM on October 5 [2 favorites]

You should ask permission to perform sex acts from the person with whom you will be performing the sex acts. She's his girlfriend, not his chattel. Define ahead of time what the acceptable parameters of the threesome are for all of you. (For all you know, she's bringing you in as a gift for him because he's always wanted to bang another guy. You'll probably want to find out what they're expecting from you before you say yes.) But during the act, assume that you're each in charge of your own pleasure. Anything else is profoundly misogynistic and sets the experience up to fail.
posted by decathecting at 8:52 PM on October 5

[a few comments removed - take your threesome jokes elsewhere, thanks.]
posted by jessamyn at 9:03 PM on October 5

Nthing that you seem like you really need to have some further communication and get the ground rules. There's not enough information in your post (and indeed, I get the idea that you're not sure yourself) who's going to be running the show, so to speak. But even if the girl is not technically the dominant, she's still ultimately pretty much going to be in charge of how this goes. (First of all, this would be not-unusual self-preservation/safety rules, secondly, she's the one who asked you. So be a good guest, ya know?)
posted by desuetude at 12:27 AM on October 6

Seems like everyones being a werid party pooper, when Im in this kind of situations, having a bottle of wine or a couple of drinks at a bar/pub relaxes everyone enough to let these details sort themselves out naturally if you are open about setting groundrules.

Good luck!
posted by Neonshock at 2:12 AM on October 6

I think you just need to ask questions. Your friend and her dude might be expecting you to provide some action for the bf too. If you are OK with that, its fine, but you'd best set a few groundrules first.
posted by Ironmouth at 7:45 AM on October 6

Seems like everyones being a werid party pooper, when Im in this kind of situations, having a bottle of wine or a couple of drinks at a bar/pub relaxes everyone enough to let these details sort themselves out naturally if you are open about setting groundrules.

Hey, I'm not saying "let's put on our Very Serious Faces and Write a Contract." Talking beforehand about what's going to happen is hot. And not getting faced with a big surprise of misunderstood expectations lets everyone relax during.
posted by desuetude at 8:15 AM on October 6

Just hoping to mention that there are a couple other options that you'll want to have sorted out before the big-bang:

I'm Nth-ing the "you need to know more" because the other options might actually preclude you from "asking politely." For example, if you have been invited to this soiree as part of this boyfriend's cuckolding fetish (watching someone else screw his girlfriend) then a big-old boner destroyer could easily be "granting permission to someone else to screw his girlfriend" since part of the fetish is likely the idea that he's being cheated on. Just another kink to throw into the mix as a potential reason that you should have a very clear idea of what you are getting into.
posted by greekphilosophy at 2:42 PM on October 9