Why isn't this working?
September 22, 2008 6:27 AM Subscribe
I've tied myself into a knot trying to date someone and need to undo it.
posted by LoneWolfMcQuade to human relations (22 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
A woman and I have been getting together, having dinners and such regularly for about two weeks. I really thought we had a lot of things going for each other. I'm rather shy and slow to initiate physical contact. Now, I can't tell if I just missed the boat (in which case maybe I should try to catch it at the next stop?), or if this just isn't supposed to happen.
Further information that would help in considering this situation: we have a lot of common interests and laugh a lot when we get together. Overall, she's been enthusiastic about hanging out. I look for flirtatious signs when I see her but don't see a lot. I probably fucked up on the first date by saying goodbye and turning around without so much as a hug. Now, I sometimes feel a tension in our conversations - she is a sparkplug type (which I like), and I fear my own directionlessness with this whole thing has even frustrated her a tad. I know that one answer is to just up and kiss her, but somehow I feel conflicted, as if she perhaps wouldn't appreciate it, and that to do so would be ignoring counter-signs worth listening to (periodic awkward pauses, odd disagreements over rather random mundane issues of politics and taste, sort of a staunch refusal on her part to send physical signals or even be up for something like a drink to loosen things up). So, maybe I can hit bottom at this by saying: I know the advice, at some level, is to get in touch with the gut and follow it. But how to step back and get in touch with the gut in a situation where I feel like I've tied it and a bunch of bullshit together into one big, gnarly knot?
Final tidbits before handing this over to the hive:
--She's from out of town and doesn't seem to be immediately loving the new environs...things are in general a little topsy-turvy for her
--I can be pretty cerebral but in general have a fairly healthy social life + other interests (music, biking, etc)
--Our conversations have been very wide-ranging but haven't stepped much at all into what our personal lives are like/have been like (though I am at least nearly 100% certain she is unattached)
--This has happened to me before, more than once. In the past, I've let this kind of thing go on for months until it drives me up the wall and I bring it up in a way that is way too little, too late, and very unproductive.
--I think overall I don't have 'attractiveness' issues and really want to get past this trend I perceive where my most successful relations with women rely on the woman for an uncommon proportion of the relationship-initiation work.