Help me keep my hands off him!

September 3, 2008 10:47 AM

We had our first date last week and the chemistry was incredible (as was the kissing). However, I want to find out if there's more than just the physical here. Our second date is Thursday evening - how do I keep myself under control?

Physically, I'm ready to pull him into an alley and rip his clothes off. Mentally, I want to hold back - I get the impression he wants to take things slowly, but I'm not good at that! I'm a 39-year-old woman, just getting back into dating after a long post-divorce hibernation, who is thoroughly smitten with this guy. Short of not seeing him at all, how do I keep my hands off him? I need strategies! Tricks! Distractions! HELP!!!

posted by shiny blue object to human relations (20 comments total)

I'd try keeping the date in public, and out of loud, grinding dance clubs. You want places where you CAN talk, and where you HAVE TO talk.

And after a few hours of that, if you think the chemistry is still there, go ahead and jump him.
posted by Doctor Suarez at 10:57 AM on September 3, 2008

Masturbate right before you go out to meet him. And wear your most hideous, stained bra and gross, granny underwear that you would rather die than show him. Don't shave your legs and wear pants.

If things get intense, go to the bathroom and call a friend to help you calm down.

Good luck! That's really exciting that you find him so attractive.
posted by tk at 11:01 AM on September 3, 2008 [3 favorites]

Yeah, stay in public places and wear really ugly embarrassing underwear.
posted by Sassyfras at 11:02 AM on September 3, 2008

Take a long walk or go see an art exhibit.

Or hang out in a kid-heavy place or restaurant.

Or go on a group date.

Mini golf is traditionally used for this purpose as well.

Or, hell, go horse riding. Classic sublimation.
posted by sondrialiac at 11:02 AM on September 3, 2008

Talk about religion and politics. You'll find out really quickly if it's going anywhere. :)
posted by TheNewWazoo at 11:04 AM on September 3, 2008 [1 favorite]

This is about trusting that you'll know what to do at the time. You have the necessary skills. You can't map the date out ahead of time.
posted by Ironmouth at 11:06 AM on September 3, 2008

I disagree with Ironmouth. Depending on how long her marriage was, she may not have been single for a long time. If the marriage had an unhealthy sex or romance life, she may be rediscovering a lot of long-forgotten passions that, if followed without restraint, could land her in a bad situation. She's in a pretty vulnerable spot and needs to tread carefully.

My advice: keep it casual, make it clear that you want to take things slow. Tell him explicitly that even though you're super attracted to him, the physical part has to wait until you get to know him better. If he's the person you want him to be, he will understand and actively help maintain the boundaries. If you want to assure him that you're not just stringing him along, tell him you've set a rule for yourself that you won't have sex with him until after X dates or Y weeks, no matter how badly you want to. You may want to take care also so he understands you're not promising to have sex with him on the X+1th date, of course.
posted by skallagrim at 11:58 AM on September 3, 2008 [1 favorite]

I get the impression he wants to take things slowly

this is a man we're talking about, right? he is healthy, below 85 and kisses you passionately. I realize there are religious and conservative people out there (in that other world) but I am highly skeptical this is the case unless you have more to go on than your gut feeling. the majority of men just doesn't torture themselves with what will they think of me type questions the way women love to. I would suggest dropping at least hints as to your wishes.
posted by krautland at 12:11 PM on September 3, 2008

There are a lot of men who don't want to have intercourse/naked time before they know a relationship has the potential to last.
posted by sondrialiac at 12:19 PM on September 3, 2008 [1 favorite]

Imagine you're answering a question from a man about how to deal with a woman he's dating who wants to take it slower than he does.
Then do that.
posted by rocket88 at 12:21 PM on September 3, 2008

Don't shave your legs or armpits -- that should give you some incentive to keep your clothes on.
posted by ambulatorybird at 12:53 PM on September 3, 2008

No alcohol on the second date.
posted by notjustfoxybrown at 12:56 PM on September 3, 2008 [1 favorite]

Depending on how long her marriage was, she may not have been single for a long time. If the marriage had an unhealthy sex or romance life, she may be rediscovering a lot of long-forgotten passions that, if followed without restraint, could land her in a bad situation.

I have to disagree. First, I haven't told the poster to follow her "long-forgotten passions" without restraint. I've told the poster that she has all of the resources she needs to deal with the issue. I'm saying that, contrary to her concerns, she does(!) have the ability to exercise control over her powerful desires--indeed, she is the only one who has the ability to control her desires. She should go into the date fully aware that she is capable of keeping her goal of keeping herself under wraps.

We are human beings and we have a whole host of coping mechanisms that allow us to navigate the shoals of dating and mating. It is the poster's belief that she cannot handle this which is the biggest obstacle to her success.

And what if it does not work out? She needs to be able to accept that the chance of failure or success is built into all love relationships. She doesn't have to get this exactly right. There are other fish in the sea. Building this up to something bigger than it is leads to problems. It is two people on a date.

This is the common problem of not being able to distinguish between pre-event anxiety and what actually needs to be done at the time. Who knows how Mr. Great Kisser will act when she sees him next? Could be a total dud, could be the bomb. If he starts picking his teeth with a matchbook, I think his power will be less than before. Those circumstances cannot be predicted. She does not know what will happen.

Call me a hopemonger, but I do think that Ms. Shiny Blue Object will do just fine tomorrow night.
posted by Ironmouth at 1:05 PM on September 3, 2008

No shaving + granny panties + pocket rocket yourself into orbit before you go out. Solid advice.
posted by krisken at 1:55 PM on September 3, 2008

I think you should focus on this part of your question:

However, I want to find out if there's more than just the physical here.

It's not so much that you don't want to jump him, but that you want to do other stuff with him instead. So you want the opportunity to interact with him on a more cerebral level rather than just make out, right? Find something to do together that gives you a focus besides him, like maybe bowling or going to a museum, but that isn't passive and all consuming, like watching a movie. That way you'll be able to talk, will be able to use the activity as a distraction from his hotness, and will have a default topic of conversation if necessary (i.e. the activity). Follow the other advice about staging the date somewhere really public etc and you should be good.

I also disagree that every 'normal' man always wants sex all the time. It's an old idea that goes back to Darwin and modern science just doesn't bear it out. There are many guys out there looking for more than getting laid. Trust your gut about this guy, take things as slow as you need and work on making that deeper connection.
posted by shelleycat at 2:23 PM on September 3, 2008 [1 favorite]

Thanks, all.

The date will be Scrabble in a coffee shop. Public, conversation-oriented, and with a definite end time as it's a work night for me.

It's been a VERY long time for me. But I think this guy has serious potential and I don't want to screw things up by being a big ol' slut. (That's what chat rooms are for, right?)
posted by shiny blue object at 6:44 PM on September 3, 2008 [1 favorite]

Hey, Shiny, I feel like I speak from a similar experience to yours. You say you get the impression that he wants to take it slowly. Are you sure he's getting your signals? Possibly he doesn't think you want it? Ask him!

Or, what Krautland says.
posted by computech_apolloniajames at 8:31 PM on September 3, 2008

Scrabble, awesome! I actually had boardgames listed in place of a museum in my first answer but thought it might be too private. Your plans sound perfect and your attitude sounds entirely sane. Good luck!
posted by shelleycat at 10:37 PM on September 3, 2008

computech_apolloniajames, he flat-out said he likes to go slow: "I enjoy the dance as much as the destination" is a pretty accurate quote. And he certainly knows what I want: I made a damned fool of myself on the phone with him the day after the first date, practically begging to see him again. I consider myself lucky that I even got a second date after that little stress- and hormone-fueled demonstration of Teh Crazee Horny Broad.

I've always been the one to go 0 to 60 in 5.2 seconds. I'd like to try the scenic route this time. Like trying anything new, I need some guidelines to help me not slip back into the old ruts. As it were.
posted by shiny blue object at 3:54 AM on September 4, 2008 [1 favorite]

Sigh. Debbie Downer here.

As a person of the male gender, hearing "I consider myself lucky that I even got a second date" and "practically begging to see him again" makes me nervous. They imply (actually more than imply, they reveal) that he is reluctant to go out with you and you're talking him into it. Its hard for men to say no when women ask; for better or worse, the rituals and language of how women turn down male advances are much more familiar and established than the reverse. I'm not arguing for a "play hard to get, never make the first move" approach, but a reluctant yes is a shaky premise for a relationship and "lets take it slow" (or its dance metaphor equivalents) are not infrequently a (sometimes cowardly, sometimes sincere) feelings-saving euphemism for "I'm just not that into you."

If you practically begged him for the second date, its only fair and reasonable to make him practically beg you to get to second base... or wherever. If you do all the work and all the begging, he'll never really appreciate that he's lucky to be going out with, much less getting into bed with, a person as interesting and fun as you appear to be. If he's not willing to make the effort, you may still want to talk him into sleeping with you and get a fun night out of it, but I wouldn't expect that it'll ever be much more than that for him.
posted by RandlePatrickMcMurphy at 7:46 AM on September 4, 2008