In search for flow while making out

November 28, 2007 1:24 PM

How can I remove the awkwardness from initiating physical intimacy?

Me and my girlfriend just moved to the same town and are planning to get married in couple of months. We live in the same complex but different apartments. Before this, we had a long distance relationship where we saw each other maybe once in 3 months.

We love each other deeply. Our makeout sessions involve everything except intercourse and it is really intense. However, we have been very awkward with initiating the sessions. I don't know when to initiate, and whether it will be a good idea or not.

What can I do to make things flow more naturally?

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (28 answers total)

I really don't think there's any good way to do this. It's human nature. The only thing that I've found to help is a bit of alcohol.
posted by Octoparrot at 1:29 PM on November 28, 2007

Practice. Once you two get used to seeing each other a LOT, you'll have that day-to-day knowledge of each other and comfort with each other. You two will have to learn each other's "signals" and that will just take time. But you've got plenty of that.
posted by odi.et.amo at 1:33 PM on November 28, 2007

Serious answer: Talk to her. Ask her to tell you what her signals are, i.e. how does she let you know that she wants to make out. She make think that she's practically screaming "kiss me" at the top of her lungs, while you are thinking that she might be a little drowsy. Of course, you should also tell her what your signals are. Communication should go both ways.

Less serious (but still effective) answer: Drink some wine. It's amazing how much easier initiating physical intimacy is when you've downed a glass or merlot.
posted by oddman at 1:33 PM on November 28, 2007 [1 favorite]

Repetition in all things brings grace.

so try, try again. you two are knew to each other (in this respect), so bumps are to be expected. a little bit of alcohol really can help.

on preview: 2nd to oddman.
posted by French Fry at 1:36 PM on November 28, 2007

I would suggest that you're overanalyzing things. You need to turn off your brain and go with your heart (or other relevant organ). In other words, if you feel like initiating, initiate. There's not necessarily a specific "when," nor can anyone give you a specific time when initiating isn't a "good idea." Obviously, if your partner isn't interested at that time, she'll let you know, and it's no big deal. But I wouldn't wait for the stars to align -- it's just not that complicated.
posted by pardonyou? at 1:38 PM on November 28, 2007

I remember one evening with my first girlfriend. It was that awkward moment of, "I know she wants me to make a move, I know I want to, but..." and she blurts out, "If you want to kiss me, do it already." I took that as a lesson, and in the future, if I want to have fun or I think she does, just do it! Assuming there's already a baseline of physical comfort which you two seem to have, it usually does the trick.
posted by jmd82 at 1:44 PM on November 28, 2007

I don't know when to initiate, and whether it will be a good idea or not.
If she feels about you the way you say she does, it will always be a good idea.
posted by rocket88 at 1:48 PM on November 28, 2007

I usually grab my wife's butt. Or she grabs mine. Or I trip her, and fling her back onto the couch. Or I ask her to sit on my lap when we're watching tv. Or I ask if she would like a massage. Or I hug her. Or she hugs me. Or I grab her breasts. Or she grabs mine. Or we play strip poker. Or I quickly whip her towel off as she is leaving the shower...

Perhaps you could begin with holding hands. But you're going to get married, for heaven's sake! You're both going to need to be GGG if the relationship is going to last through the years, so it would be great if both of you started thinking about, talking about, and then exploring what your physical needs are.
posted by KokuRyu at 1:50 PM on November 28, 2007 [1 favorite]

If you two are ready to get married, then I'm thinking that she won't have a problem kissing you whenever. So, kiss her whenever you think she wants you to (or when you want to ...) and you'll start picking up the signs. Don't kiss her thinking that every time you should end up making out passionately, just kiss her and see what her reaction is.
posted by Ctrl_Alt_ep at 1:57 PM on November 28, 2007

i think proximity will help a lot--on this level, you are still getting acquainted, so it feels awkward because you are mentally intimate, but your bodies haven't had a lot of time to be around each other.

you'll learn. and you'll have to learn how to take rejection, too. there will come a day that you are horny and she's not, or vice-versa. this is not a horrible insult either way--sometimes you're not hungry at the same time either, so you don't have dinner together. you'll learn how to deal with it. so, practice practice practice. and have fun. :)
posted by thinkingwoman at 2:01 PM on November 28, 2007

Play it by ear and remember this rule: it's always better to apologize than to ask permission.
posted by mullingitover at 2:16 PM on November 28, 2007 [5 favorites]

I assume you are saving yourselves for marriage. Once you get the intercourse out of the way the awkwardness is sure to pass. In the meantime you need to identify her non-sexual erogenous zone. Everyone has them. The neck, arm, ear, shin elbow. Next time you are intimate experiment to find out which area drives her wild then anytime you want a ticket to paradise you are only two or three casual strokes away.
posted by any major dude at 2:16 PM on November 28, 2007

Personally, I don't agree that with sexual relations it's better to apologize than to ask permission. Playfully asking permission can be kinda sexy.

So ask her! Communication is a lot better than pretending everyone can read minds.
posted by winna at 2:18 PM on November 28, 2007

Just find any reason to touch her, tickling, putting your arm around her, touch her leg, arm, cuddle, really just any kind of touching that isn't overtly sexual, then going from that to kissing is a lot more natural.
posted by whoaali at 2:22 PM on November 28, 2007

The awkwardness is really something to savor.... it means you're still getting to know each other and are full of concern about offending and doing things "right". Things will become less awkward soon enough and you'll develop your own routine.

In the meantime, holding hands, sitting side by side listening to music or watching tv... chemistry will take over at some point and one thing will lead to another.
posted by MiffyCLB at 2:38 PM on November 28, 2007 [1 favorite]

Barry White.
posted by cior at 2:45 PM on November 28, 2007 [1 favorite]

I think that it will get easier once you are living together and having a lot of sex (which will presumably come once you are married, yes?). Right now you are in this weird, neither here-nor-there situation: You aren't married, you aren't having sex, you aren't living together... but you are living in the same apartment complex, you are doing lots of sexual stuff, you are a couple, etc. You have a confusing situation, so awkwardness is normal. I don't think you need to worry that it will always be so awkward and tough -- really, it gets easier.

One of the great things about being in a partnership -- the thing that makes up for having the cuties at the bar being off limits -- is that you get to develop your own private rituals and signals. So all the people at the dinner table hear you say to your wife, "hey, should we fold the laundry this evening or tomorrow morning?" But in your secret relationship code, you are really asking something else, you-know-what-I-mean? That's a joking example, but over time you will learn each others coded signals for "please kiss me now" and "right now I just want to snuggle" and "leave me alone!" and you won't need so much awkwardness. Honestly, I think a lot of the conversations any long-term couple has are like this, full of shorthand and innuendo and codes: "did you pick up the thing?" "No, the other thing." lots of laughter "I wanna --" "No, you want --" "Why?" "Clowns!" Basically, totally incomprehensible to someone outside, and carrying many layers of meaning.

But it takes a lot of time, and a lot of communication, to develop this. In the meantime, I definitely agree with the suggestions of "practice practice practice" along with drinking a glass or two of wine, or a couple of beers. You don't want to be sloppy drunk, but just enough alcohol to make you stop thinking about the plate of beans, and instead think about how cute she is, is perfect.

And find ways to do things that involve lots of touching, outside of explicitly sexual situations. The hardcore old-style Baptists were right: dancing really does lead to biblically-unapproved activities. Taking partner dancing lessons together, or a massage class, or anything else that forces you both to really learn each other's body, and to learn how to move together, and to be comfortable with physical contact, will translate to fireworks in the bedroom.
posted by Forktine at 2:47 PM on November 28, 2007

Consider: one or two horrendously awkward conversations about the awkwardness -- both of you need to just accept that they're _going_ to be awkward, try to feel as awkward as possible -- that will reduce awkwardness forever after. What an investment!

Yes, you can have a conversation _about_ the awkwardness conversation. Meta-awkward, sounds silly, but it's an investment.
posted by amtho at 2:50 PM on November 28, 2007

Just touch her more often in situations where it isn't going to lead to a 'make out session' - as whoalli says, touch her arm or hold hands or be playful... You'll get used to touching each other and it'll cease to be a 'big deal', and when you don't want it to evolve to something more, the first touch won't be this sudden "oh god he touched me what happens next" feeling, because you'll be used to touching each other and when it evolves into making out it'll be an evolution and feel like less of a decision.
posted by Kololo at 2:56 PM on November 28, 2007

So, wanna suck face?
posted by Bruce H. at 3:50 PM on November 28, 2007

"honey we got each other and neither of us is going to get younger or prettier so what makes you feel good, you start, I'll feel better and then I'll tell you about me and you'll feel better then we can go to bed and have good sex."

Might work.
posted by Freedomboy at 3:52 PM on November 28, 2007

What can I do to make things flow more naturally?

That will happen naturally with time. Right now things are going to be awkward and the very best thing you can do is have a long honest talk about it. As amtho said above it's an investment worth making.
posted by tkolar at 4:46 PM on November 28, 2007

Actually, touching that doesn't lead to sex/makeout sessions is a nice way to become more physically comfortable with each other and with intimacy. Holding hands, playful bum pats, big kisses, that sort of thing.

I used to have a boyfriend who every now and then would stick his head down my shirt and blow a raspberry between my boobs. Weird, but both intimate and affectionate. Sweet, really. Foreplay, not so much.
posted by DarlingBri at 5:34 PM on November 28, 2007 [1 favorite]

I dated this guy a few times who would walk me to my door after a date and then initiate kissing with "well, here comes the awkward part of the evening..." and then lean in to kiss me, having eradicated any chance of me actually enjoying it. No one wants to be notified that their kissing partner is going to be horrendously self-conscious instead of enjoying themselves.

So yeah, don't do that. Just cuddle up and keep eye contact and a little smile and she'll get the idea. You guys are getting married, you know you love each other and are physically attracted to each other, so why not just let yourselves be silly and aggressive and if you bump heads it's not the end of the world. It's not like she's going to stop returning your calls in the morning if you screw it up, so relax.
posted by np312 at 5:52 PM on November 28, 2007 [1 favorite]

Initiate affection, cuddling, deep listening and communication and then try to hold yourself back from going all the way when it drives you wild emotionally and physically. :)
posted by Listener at 7:16 PM on November 28, 2007

"i'm going to count to three and then kiss you now, okay?.... one--- *kiss*"

i.e. make the first move while leaving room for her to back out if she really wants to.

also: practice.
posted by softlord at 8:29 PM on November 28, 2007

In those moments, learn to tune into your heart and feel the heat of the moment, like you're dancing to the rhythm of a song that really moves you. In a couple minutes, the opportunity will hit you like a heat wave.
posted by philosophistry at 6:44 AM on November 29, 2007

Your relationship will be better through the years if you start communicating about things like this now. Bring it up. If you need to, start with something like "this might seem kinda goofy, but I want to ask about your thoughts on..." and go from there.
posted by Silvertree at 12:01 PM on November 29, 2007