My mind wants to but my body doesn't

June 8, 2007 1:17 PM

I'm having some sexual problems, my mind wants to but my body doesn't. I love my boyfriend very much and I'm very attracted to him. I really enjoy having sex with him but lately my body doesn't seem to want to cooperate with my desires.

I'm 24, I've been taking cerazette (mini pill) for about 4 months. Since I started taking it my libido has decreased but that hasn't really been a problem - its put me more in line with my fella - before I was a bit of a nymphomaniac.

In the last few weeks things have been difficult. I've been sort of tense down there and I've been having trouble getting lubed up through physical contact - but when he talks dirty to me I get hot and bothered in minutes. We've been together for 5 years so I cant imagine that I'm suddenly nervous or self concious.

Am I just getting old? Should I just buy some lube and forget about it?

Don't know if this is relevant but I've suffered from severe depression since I was 14, I've had therapy and anti-depressants but neither really ever helped. But I got older and things got better especially when I met my boyfriend. Just after I graduated I went through a bad patch , I was unemployed and feeling kinda worthless but I pulled myself out of it and found a job and got on with my life. A few weeks ago I had a bit of a relapse but I'm mostly OK now.
For the last 2 1/2 weeks I've been having muscle twitches - more than normal. It started 2 1/2 weeks ago just in my thighs but it spread to the rest of my legs, my neck, my arms and my abdomen. The frequency is less now - probably about 20 times a day down from about 100 (rough guess, I'm not counting) Its driving me nuts - they dont hurt but they're really annoying. I dont know if the two issues could be related.

posted by missmagenta to Human Relations (16 answers total)

Did you have muscle twitches during your previous depression stage? Anything stressful going on now? Getting enough sleep, exercise and water? Any changes in your routine?

Using lube is fine!
posted by bleucube at 1:34 PM on June 8, 2007

Response by poster: I've always had muscle twitches to a certain degree but less than once a day. I've never had them like this before. I've no reason to be stressed, but equally no reason for being depressed either. I work part-time from home earning £18k ($36k), I've lost weight (on purpose), good amount of savings, no substantial debts - student loan + small personal loan we took out to get us through harder times. Things are going really well for the both of us.
posted by missmagenta at 1:41 PM on June 8, 2007

I would suggest that you try eating more vegetables which will increase your intake of minerals (and vitamins). This may help both the muscle twitches and the libido.
posted by teleskiving at 1:50 PM on June 8, 2007

I'll add that I tried mineral supplements (zinc, magnesium, calcium etc) but they made me feel a bit weird, and it feels a lot better to just eat food that you know is good for you. I like to eat a big bowl of peas when I'm feeling run down.
posted by teleskiving at 1:55 PM on June 8, 2007

Response by poster: I eat 3 portions of mixed veg and 6 portions of fruit every day. Plus currently taken iron supplements - hoping to get the all clear from a blood test next week.
posted by missmagenta at 1:57 PM on June 8, 2007

Best answer: As a guy who was on the other end of the situation, I can share our experience. She had many of the same symptoms, especially the feeling sexual but also - not lubricating. She had also been under a lot of stress, etc. As a man, naturally I was afraid I wasn't, "doing something right." After trips to a couple of doctors, they both assured her that the "dryness issue" is very common and has a multitude of causes including emotional, some biological and some related to use of the pill. But to us, it was such a stressful thing for her that the "vicious cycle theory" was obviously what was going on. She worried so much about not lubricating that - she didn't lubricate. And round and round it went. Both doctors told her this was the biggest problem with a majority of women. It's almost equivalent to a man's performance anxiety. Further, the more you must resort to the use of vaginal lubricants the more the female body begins to adapt to the use of lubricants and natural lubrication declines dramatically.

Bottom line: recommendations mostly focused on relaxation techniques and reminding yourself that's there is nothing really wrong, but things are just different right now. If you can nail down a cause - great, but if not, try not to sweat it out every time you have sex and focus on enjoyment with the use of lubricants (all flavors!) and just let nature take its course.

Things eventually got better for her and we attributed much of that to the reduction in stress from worrying about lubricating and focusing more on enjoying sex - no matter what it takes. It's kind of odd answering this as a guy, but we've been there, went through it all and thought I would go ahead and share our story with you.

All the best!
posted by Gerard Sorme at 2:01 PM on June 8, 2007 [1 favorite]

What do you do for fun? Sounds like everything is even keel at home and in life. Normally when this happens to me I go insane and "Make Something Happen". Which never results in any good but I'm one of those that needs to go,go,go.

How about you? More laid back or do you need adventure?
posted by bleucube at 2:02 PM on June 8, 2007

How about buy some lube and don't forget about it? If lube helps, frickin' awesome! And, honestly, I don't think lube can do any harm (though IANAD, despite what my business card says). It's lube! Fun!
posted by wemayfreeze at 2:07 PM on June 8, 2007

I'd vote for the mini pil. I had all kinds of weird side effects when I tried that, not least of which was loss of arousal. All I wanted to do was snuggle for 3 months.

I think almost all birth control dramatically decreases your libido personally.
posted by fshgrl at 2:08 PM on June 8, 2007

Response by poster: For fun we play computer games, sometimes together sometimes alone. I watch TV while I work during the day a lot of the time. I'm not really the adventurous type - unless you count exploring fantasy online worlds ;)

I'm going to see the Doctor in a couple of weeks anyway so I'll probably mention it then.
posted by missmagenta at 2:18 PM on June 8, 2007

I vote for switching birth control. I just went off the one I was using for the last seven years and the difference is insane.
posted by np312 at 2:45 PM on June 8, 2007

Buy some lube and forget about it unless you're having other hormonal or glandular symptoms (particularly pain anywhere near the Bartholin glands, because it can get surgery-bad very fast, and that is not a nice place to have surgery). Otherwise, it's not a rating system, it's just a biological process, one that will change in quantity and quality a number of times in the course of your life.
posted by Lyn Never at 2:53 PM on June 8, 2007

Buy some lube, or have him talk dirty to you. Lube is sexy. Talking dirty is sexy. I'm not seeing a big problem here. If you don't like the type of lube you picked, try a different brand.
posted by yohko at 6:45 PM on June 8, 2007

Buy some lube AND have him talk dirty to you.
posted by anaelith at 6:54 PM on June 8, 2007

I'm a man, but an ex-girlfriend had a similar issue. Things were fine, and then things weren't so fine. The combination of new birth control pills and a suddenly more stressful job meant that her muscles "down there" tensed up; combined with dryness meant that sex hurt. The solution was patience, using lube for a while (try a few different brands -- some are much better than others), switching birth control pills, and more patience. Things didn't fully get better until her work situation evened out -- the problem for her was the combination of the pills and the work stress. Either one alone would have meant a minor problem, but together they really derailed our sex life.

I don't know if that is your situation at all -- you and your doctor can try to figure that out -- but do be aware that it might be a combination of things. The pills, your depression, some kind of new or old relationship stress, money issues, and all kinds of other things can have an impact in the bedroom.
posted by Forktine at 11:42 PM on June 8, 2007

come off the pill. period.
posted by londongeezer at 5:55 PM on June 9, 2007