Sex for dummies
January 23, 2013 5:59 AM Subscribe
Should I try to fix our sex life? If so, where do I start?
posted by anonymous to human relations (13 answers total) 20 users marked this as a favorite
My husband and I are both about 30, and we've been together 6 years (married for 1). We have both had previous sex partners, but nothing serious or long term.
We are both active, in good shape and generally very happy, healthy people. We have no physical problems in the bedroom (meaning, all the parts work fine- no trouble getting hard, staying hard, we both are able to orgasm, no pain or discomfort, etc.).
When we first started dating, I initiated sex 80% of the time and he turned me down about 50% of those times. We still had sex pretty frequently. Over the years, I started initiating less and less. I think part of it was because I got to know his patterns and I knew there were certain times he just wouldn't be in the mood. But at the same time, I think my sex drive must have taken a major hit along the line because after awhile, I didn't really miss it. And if I'm really honest with myself, I wonder if I ever even liked it all, or if I just did it because I thought healthy relationships included sexual intimacy.
I can probably count on one hand the number of times we've had WOW sex. I think, for me, what I remember most from those times was that he seemed to have an insatiable desire for me right at that moment, no delay - he was just totally immersed in the moment in a way that made me feel great. Most of the time, he is totally ambivalent about sex, which makes me feel pretty ambivalent too. If we decide to have sex, he'll enjoy it, but he doesn't seek it out. And in isolation from his enthusiasm, there's nothing really about the mechanics of partner sex (in almost all its forms/aspects) that makes me feel particularly good. It doesn't hurt or feel uncomfortable, it just feels like...whatever. I do feel bad about this because I want to rely on my own desire, not his desire for me. I do like watching sex, talking about sex, and thinking about sex... But I don't know if I actually like sex.
If I didn't know that sex was supposed to be good/fun/awesome none of this would bother me because our relationship is great in all other respects. I just have this nagging feeling that our relationship has this huge weak spot and that we are really missing out on intimacy. We've communicated about this, and while he would like to make me happy, he says he is perfectly fine with the type/frequency of the sex. I think I want more sex, but not the kind of sex we are having. And even if I was able to rev up my sex drive, I would still have to deal with HIS sex drive.
For what it's worth, we are very physically affectionate, we cuddle, hug, kiss, hold hands, etc. We are always, always touching; it feels sexual sometime but it's definitely never intended as foreplay.
Am I causing trouble when I should be grateful that we are two low drive people partnered together? Or are we missing out on some wonderful experience? Help.