I used to like all kinds of funky sex. Since depression came into my life a few years ago, I've been far, far less sexual. In the last few months, I can't even find the will to masturbate let alone allow my beloved to penetrate me or otherwise enjoy sexual activity with me. I don't want to be depressed anymore, and I also want to get back to embodying the sexual being I used to be. How?
I'm 29 and healthy. Depression began at about age 26. I've been in therapy for two years now. I spent two years on Zoloft and a year on Wellbutrin with no positive results. I use Nuvaring as a last resort, as my depressive symptoms align with my menstrual cycle (PMDD). I smoke a single toke of marijuana in the evenings and I don't drink. I eat better than the average American and work a sedentary job. I try to exercise at least once a week but it's an unbelievable struggle to stick to a routine. I have always been overweight, lost a hundred pounds a few years ago and have put about thirty back on thanks to the Zoloft. My sex drive is below zero; my husband isn't highly sexual either, but would love it even if we could go once a week. Right now, I can only muster the troops to have sex less than once a month, but I don't orgasm despite lots of effort and would be off organizing my bookshelf if I didn't feel so guilty about being a frigid wife.
Therapist advised that my husband and I should find ways to compromise, which to me sounds a lot like "accept that this is how you are now". Therapist says that "some women are just less sexual", that I should realize how culture causes some women to feel like there's something wrong with them for not having a sex drive. True, but still bullshit; I know I liked sex. I was a happy, sex-positive feminist fully aware of rape culture and all that stuff my therapist is trying to relate to me without using those terms. But it used to be that not a day would go by that I didn't make up some fantasy about a guy on the bus or spend too long looking at a nice pair of hairy man forearms. We used to bring in other partners, play with BDSM, buy sex toys and watch porn together. We are (were?) periodically non-monogamous. These days, the thought of sex grosses me out -- not just with him, but with anyone. I don't feel good when I have sex. It makes my genitals hurt a little, even with lube, maybe out of lack of use? I don't have fantasies; I don't masturbate. I don't seek out movies with particular actors to look at anymore. The sex toys I didn't throw out in disgust have grown dusty. My sexual inner life is completely gone.
He and I love each other a lot, tell each other that frequently, and have great communication, but talking about about this sex stuff makes me feel so sad when I know the only action I can take is go back to the doctor, try a new drug, hope for the best and tell him to hang in there for just a little while longer. He's worried about me, but has also told me that he's stopped initiating sex because it's too frustrating to be turned down. Can't blame him. I'd stop trying too if my spouse expressed the thoughts I have. Haha, I have bought him solo sex toys and encourage all the porn in the world if it keeps him happy. But what about me? I want to have sex again. If this is supposed to be my sexual peak, I'll be surprised if my husband sticks around for the long run. This is ruining my life and my marriage. Please help me figure out what I have to do next in order to help myself, because I'm lost. Can I safely call this a medical issue? I'm a huge cynic, but... can a naturopath help? If not, how many more doctors do I have to tell my life story to until I find one that happens to know some magical prescription combo or vitamin supplement that fixes me? What would be a feasible timeline to use when figuring this all out?
Or is this my lot now and am I doomed to having a spreadsheet
made in my honor?