Putting out

May 20, 2006 11:57 AM

How long do people date before doing the deed these days?
posted by wordswinker to Society & Culture (30 answers total)

How old are the people you're referring to?
posted by bingo at 12:02 PM on May 20, 2006

few hours
posted by bonaldi at 12:09 PM on May 20, 2006

in fact, these modern kids do it first, then date after. Or so I hear.

But really, I think in general it's like any relationship question -- it depends on the people involved. Someone who "likes to wait a bit" might find themselves swept off their feet on the first date. Same as ever, really.
posted by bonaldi at 12:11 PM on May 20, 2006

When I was dating about three years ago, 5 dates was the ANSI standard. I'm sure this varies depending on where you live, whom you're trying to boink, etc. I was in my mid-twenties near a big city.
posted by jewzilla at 12:15 PM on May 20, 2006

My experiences fall into two categories:

1.) Hook-up leads to dating. So zero.
2.) In a more formalized courtship, there are 3-4 dates before sex.
posted by justkevin at 12:40 PM on May 20, 2006

With the last boyfriend, three weeks. With the one before that, two weeks. Not sure exactly how many dates, although I remember it was at least five with the last guy. I don't really have any self-imposed rules about this, although I doubt I'd ever do it on the first date. FWIW, I'm female, and both of those relationships began in my mid- to late-20s.
posted by amro at 12:49 PM on May 20, 2006

There's no hard-and-fast rule.

As it were.
posted by Zozo at 12:49 PM on May 20, 2006 [1 favorite]

oh, that deed. jeez, I thought you meant getting married...

The third date seems to be crucial--an indicator of whether or not it's going to happen. But then I just know profligates, or married couples, or profligate married couples.
posted by tula at 1:06 PM on May 20, 2006

For me about a month seems right, assuming dates at least once or twice a week. But I'm nerdy, shy and uptight, so I'm sure a lot of people move faster than that.
posted by croutonsupafreak at 2:09 PM on May 20, 2006

Four dates. If she doesn't put out after date four, don't call again. It's only worth so much effort.
posted by Mayor Curley at 2:20 PM on May 20, 2006

Four dates. If she doesn't put out after date four, don't call again. It's only worth so much effort.

Corollary 1: If you're not getting some serious non-deed physical affection (aka heavy petting) by the end of Date 2, the odds of improvement on Date 3 diminish significantly. Consider abandoning the project after Date 2.

Corollary 2: If you are entering Date 4 with no actual deed having been done, then Date 4 should be a final re-evaluation of the strategic initiative. In this situation, there is no need to be spendy or put in vigorous effort with date 4 -- only "The Talk" will pull you out of this power dive, not wine and roses.
posted by frogan at 2:31 PM on May 20, 2006

The only "dates" I have ever been on in my life have been post-coital.
posted by quite unimportant at 2:52 PM on May 20, 2006

So people are only worth dating if they put out?

Thank God I'm married and don't have to deal with such foolishness.
posted by konolia at 3:10 PM on May 20, 2006

Yes. It's my understanding that marriage puts an end to that sort of thing.
posted by SPrintF at 3:20 PM on May 20, 2006 [1 favorite]

I'd say the more you want it to work for the long term, the longer you should hold off to make sure everything else goes well. Sex is wonderful, but it tends to complicate things.

My rule of thumb: for girls I just want to have a good time with -- sex within three dates; for a girl that I want to fall in love with -- as long as it takes for me to build that connection with her.
posted by randomstriker at 3:44 PM on May 20, 2006

Depends. I've been in relationships where sex wasn't in the picture until a year after we were dating, and others where sex was what lead us to be dating. It all depends on the individual, what their morals are, and when they feel it is "right," or when they feel comfortable enough to partake in said activities.
posted by itchie at 5:07 PM on May 20, 2006

My M.O. has usually been sex first, dates later.
posted by sourwookie at 6:44 PM on May 20, 2006

I've been in both boats. But usually, less than 24 hours.

Then again, I'm quite the bit of a man-whore.
posted by SpecialK at 8:01 PM on May 20, 2006

2 years and we were married. Never regretted it for an instant. I would say we're a dying breed but we're generally the ones who end up reproducing.
posted by allthewhile at 8:55 PM on May 20, 2006

Response by poster: To answer question #1: 49 and 60. So old that these issues are brand new again. Who knew such hormones? Oy.

Last time I dated, no one had AIDS, and women didn't expect orgasms. Although from the look at these comments, not much has really changed.

If you're interested, we're three dates in and it's becoming a challenge to be chaste.
posted by wordswinker at 10:36 PM on May 20, 2006

2 years and we were married. Never regretted it for an instant. I would say we're a dying breed but we're generally the ones who end up reproducing.

That's what you'd like to think. The ones who are breeding are poor, single, and unemployed. "your breed" will be in a minority within 25 years.
posted by Dunwitty at 11:21 PM on May 20, 2006

Damn, I meant "the ones who are reproducing". Bitter beer face.
posted by Dunwitty at 11:22 PM on May 20, 2006

The third date must be crucial because recently, after having leapt back into the dating pool, I got the "let's just be friends" call from two women after the second date. So that must be the acid test. As it were.
posted by AArtaud at 1:33 AM on May 21, 2006

Four dates, Corollary 1, Corollary 2, Date 2, Date 4 , Petting !

AAArrrr Matey ! Stop worrying about SEX ! If it takes X it's ok, if it takes Y it's ok ! The more rules you set about when it's ok to fuck and when it's is not ok, the more mangled the whole experience becomes because you bother yourself with unnecessary rules instead of getting to know the person. Don't overintellectualize.

If it feels ok for both of you, it IS ok for both of you ! If one doesn't feels ok to make love and the other would like this last one should show some patience, try to understand if it just requires some more getting to know each other which is perfectly OK. Just try not to use sex as a blackmail tool like "if you don't put out in X then it means you don't love me/ you don't respect me / I am not a bitch / I am not your slave" ....chrissake its supposed to be a good relaxing experience not a soap opera right immediately from the start !
posted by elpapacito at 6:34 AM on May 21, 2006

Amen, elpapacito.
posted by grouse at 7:01 AM on May 21, 2006

Land Ho! Avast! There has to be at least some kind of rules, though. (and it sure is hard difficult to write a response without the urge to committing pun atrocities).

There has to be some kind of advice against the feel-good reasons, as I'm sure the whole underage sex thing is all about because "it feels good to both of us." I'm sure pedophiles think it feels good, too, but damage is being done whether you can see it or not.

Try making it approaching the whole idea from the perspective of seeking after the person that you've groan to grown with come to developed a closer relationship with, rather than getting your hands on that/those [areas] and then discovering who they belong to, and you'll see how valuable dating before doing makes the doing more meaningful.

And just imagine dating the one who has never seen any better-looking [areas] to compare you(rs) to and with which you can feel confident of not catching [malady]. If you meat up with seek out partners who are focused on the rumpy-pumpy, chances are the relationship will be seen through that level of thinking (using the wrong brain) and will inevitably build the foundation of the relationship on surface matters.

Bang in the first nail of the Hammer the first spike Start the whole endeavor of building a solid foundation with the right motive and you're more likely to develop something worth keeping without even being bothered stressed out with whether you strike oil on your first dig meet someone who is sufficiently talented. Learn together.
posted by vanoakenfold at 8:13 AM on May 21, 2006 [2 favorites]

Response by poster: What an iceberg sex is. Let me tell you, newly single after a lifetime (it seems) of being an invisible married lady, it's stunning to me how quickly I have become absolutely twitterpated that someone wants me. I mean, Really Wants me.

It's actually a bit of a disappointment to have not garnered more emotional gravitas since my last date. I find myself cocking my head and flipping my hair like a schoolgirl when we're together.

As a mom of post-pubescent children, it makes me newly aware of what they have to deal with. If it's so hard for me after a lifetime's experience, it's damn near amazing that any kid should navigate these waters with aplomb.

I suppose what really prompted this post is my shock at the crackle in the air, and how much I wanted to take that to bed, all the while knowing the emotional risk built right into every coupling.

I've seen friends do this very thing. The court and spark, the obsessive thinking, and it's seemed an abberation from their usual personality. I guess when it comes to heart and hormones, there is no such thing as cool, and every relationship is a first.
posted by wordswinker at 12:43 PM on May 21, 2006 [1 favorite]

my partner and I got a good laugh out of your question. thanks!
posted by my homunculus is drowning at 3:45 PM on May 21, 2006

I would say it also depends on what you mean by "deed"...many people put much more emphasis on "intercourse" than oral sex.
posted by nekton at 1:26 PM on May 22, 2006

The general rule is there is no general rule. My experience is if you haven't had sex after three or four years,
it's probably not going to happen.
posted by zackdog at 11:42 PM on June 24, 2006 [1 favorite]