Should I tell my boyfriend my concerns for him?
February 4, 2025 9:01 PM Subscribe
Long story short, I have to leave my boyfriend soon for my own sanity and emotional and mental health, though I am deeply reluctant, but I know I just have to soon.
Is it my duty to tell him that I am really concerned for him? His life is a mess and I am seriously concerned and disturbed the more I think about it.
Prior post: https://ask.metafilter.com/382313/Should-I-move-in-with-my-dad-and-break-up-with-my-boyfriend-or-no
Long story short, he:
-grew up on a small farm
-farm in family for several generations
-always expected to run the farm like his dad
-his family encouraged him to go to college, he did and racked up $125k in private student loans and dropped out with no degree
-he partied hard, joked around, got arrested, kicked out of fraternity, drinking and driving, weed, academic probation, switched majors from engineering to art history when classes got hard, dropped out
-moved back to the farm he says because his dad needed him on the farm
-farm makes no money, his dad refers to it as a hobby
-they literally throw away product because they don't have enough storage and his dad does not see a problem
-farm is very rundown, junk piles, clutter, disrepair and neglect, house is the same, it is unsettling
-he sleeps on a futon in the unfinished basement
-got a DUI several years ago but still drives drunk
-installed a radar detector to avoid cops
-drives reckless, speeds, even with me in the car he's been a bit reckless a couple times
-his friends like to drink and smoke weed heavily and are chaotic
-he still has over $50k in student loans
-he worked part time and low wage jobs for almost a decade before his current union job
-he hesitated joining the union job because the work is hard but he makes decently good money now (starting $50k, will be $75k in less than 2 years)
-his old toxic job called him a few months ago to talk about an offer and he almost left the union job I think until he saw my concern (union job has a pension, job he considered had no benefits) because he does not like the commute and physical demands of the union job (it's tough)
-he has been pressing his dad to retire for years so he can take over the farm (that makes no money), but his dad just revealed that he has no money to retire despite working 2 jobs his whole life
-his mom is really mentally ill and unstable and a burden to the family
-his aunt and family are adamant that the farm will never be sold and must stay in the family even though it is worth $2-3 million in land
-his aunt gifts him edibles even though it could ruin his career
-he is a sweet and polite guy and can fix things well, is amazing at guitar, knows a lot, but I am so confused by his life choices
-he has said he wants a family and financial security
-he read a post about what my concerns on a different platform and I think did not tell me for two months, watched what I posted, and then brought it up when it was unavoidable and gave a million defenses for all of my concerns (he said he is ambitious, he wants a pilot's license, and that the farm does make money, they just spend it to avoid taxes, what more can he do?)
-his family and friends accept him as he is and seem to have no issue with how he is living his life
-he told me, when he saw I was upset about him smoking weed, that, "he would have stopped if I wanted him to." He takes 0 ownership of his decisions and life.
I have felt emotionally neglected and like I have had to push our relationship forward at every step and the more I think about it the worse he seems due to his complete inability to take responsibility or plan for the future. I have noticed that he only steps up a little when forced but overall I know I have to leave him and have to soon before I lose my mind (even more). His family is in deep denial and avoidance I feel and double down on horrible decisions. They enable each other and state that family is important and everything, but why are they not helping my boyfriend? I am seriously so sad when looking at his life trajectory and how he might end up. I have to leave him because this relationship, even though I miss him and want to spend time with him, I know is going nowhere but is becoming a nightmare. He barely has any relationship history and I am scared of hurting him. He says he loves me more than anything etc., but he has not taken real steps toward a future. When looking at places to rent together, he showed my stuff way out of budget and 2 hours away from my town. Is it my duty to explain to him that his life is not going to magically create itself and that he is watching his life pass before his eyes and that his family really does not have his best interests at heart? It makes me so sad.
Prior post: https://ask.metafilter.com/382313/Should-I-move-in-with-my-dad-and-break-up-with-my-boyfriend-or-no
Long story short, he:
-grew up on a small farm
-farm in family for several generations
-always expected to run the farm like his dad
-his family encouraged him to go to college, he did and racked up $125k in private student loans and dropped out with no degree
-he partied hard, joked around, got arrested, kicked out of fraternity, drinking and driving, weed, academic probation, switched majors from engineering to art history when classes got hard, dropped out
-moved back to the farm he says because his dad needed him on the farm
-farm makes no money, his dad refers to it as a hobby
-they literally throw away product because they don't have enough storage and his dad does not see a problem
-farm is very rundown, junk piles, clutter, disrepair and neglect, house is the same, it is unsettling
-he sleeps on a futon in the unfinished basement
-got a DUI several years ago but still drives drunk
-installed a radar detector to avoid cops
-drives reckless, speeds, even with me in the car he's been a bit reckless a couple times
-his friends like to drink and smoke weed heavily and are chaotic
-he still has over $50k in student loans
-he worked part time and low wage jobs for almost a decade before his current union job
-he hesitated joining the union job because the work is hard but he makes decently good money now (starting $50k, will be $75k in less than 2 years)
-his old toxic job called him a few months ago to talk about an offer and he almost left the union job I think until he saw my concern (union job has a pension, job he considered had no benefits) because he does not like the commute and physical demands of the union job (it's tough)
-he has been pressing his dad to retire for years so he can take over the farm (that makes no money), but his dad just revealed that he has no money to retire despite working 2 jobs his whole life
-his mom is really mentally ill and unstable and a burden to the family
-his aunt and family are adamant that the farm will never be sold and must stay in the family even though it is worth $2-3 million in land
-his aunt gifts him edibles even though it could ruin his career
-he is a sweet and polite guy and can fix things well, is amazing at guitar, knows a lot, but I am so confused by his life choices
-he has said he wants a family and financial security
-he read a post about what my concerns on a different platform and I think did not tell me for two months, watched what I posted, and then brought it up when it was unavoidable and gave a million defenses for all of my concerns (he said he is ambitious, he wants a pilot's license, and that the farm does make money, they just spend it to avoid taxes, what more can he do?)
-his family and friends accept him as he is and seem to have no issue with how he is living his life
-he told me, when he saw I was upset about him smoking weed, that, "he would have stopped if I wanted him to." He takes 0 ownership of his decisions and life.
I have felt emotionally neglected and like I have had to push our relationship forward at every step and the more I think about it the worse he seems due to his complete inability to take responsibility or plan for the future. I have noticed that he only steps up a little when forced but overall I know I have to leave him and have to soon before I lose my mind (even more). His family is in deep denial and avoidance I feel and double down on horrible decisions. They enable each other and state that family is important and everything, but why are they not helping my boyfriend? I am seriously so sad when looking at his life trajectory and how he might end up. I have to leave him because this relationship, even though I miss him and want to spend time with him, I know is going nowhere but is becoming a nightmare. He barely has any relationship history and I am scared of hurting him. He says he loves me more than anything etc., but he has not taken real steps toward a future. When looking at places to rent together, he showed my stuff way out of budget and 2 hours away from my town. Is it my duty to explain to him that his life is not going to magically create itself and that he is watching his life pass before his eyes and that his family really does not have his best interests at heart? It makes me so sad.
Best answer: It's not your duty. Your duty is to yourself; save yourself by leaving him.
He is aware of his own life. What he chooses to do with it is for him to decide. Same for you. Are you going to spend your one, precious life tied to him?
posted by BlahLaLa at 9:28 PM on February 4 [28 favorites]
He is aware of his own life. What he chooses to do with it is for him to decide. Same for you. Are you going to spend your one, precious life tied to him?
posted by BlahLaLa at 9:28 PM on February 4 [28 favorites]
He barely has any relationship history and I am scared of hurting him. He says he loves me more than anything etc., but he has not taken real steps toward a future.
He doesn't seem particularly worried about hurting you, or making your or your life together any sort of priority.
Is it my duty to explain to him that his life is not going to magically create itself and that he is watching his life pass before his eyes and that his family really does not have his best interests at heart?
No, he's a grownup, he can work that out himself. You have doubtless already tried and failed to convince him.
You've already made this decision. Break up with him and move on.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 9:39 PM on February 4 [12 favorites]
He doesn't seem particularly worried about hurting you, or making your or your life together any sort of priority.
Is it my duty to explain to him that his life is not going to magically create itself and that he is watching his life pass before his eyes and that his family really does not have his best interests at heart?
No, he's a grownup, he can work that out himself. You have doubtless already tried and failed to convince him.
You've already made this decision. Break up with him and move on.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 9:39 PM on February 4 [12 favorites]
Best answer: If someone has one (or even two) problems that are negatively affecting their life and having knock-on affects that are causing them harm (like let's say an addiction has the main flaw and then it affects driving, and getting to work on time, and health etc. etc.), then maybe, maybe, you can engage in some kind of intervention and maybe they will see what you see and try to find a way to fix that main issue (thus improving all the other things).
This is not that. This is a person whose entire life is not compatible with what you want, what he says he wants or with having a stable, peaceful, happy life. You can hold an intervention for an alcoholic and say "You need to stop drinking." What is the five word equivalent here? It seems like the only possible answer is "You need to stop being you." And obviously that can't just happen. This is, by his actions, how he wants to live. You can (and should) call 911 if/when you know he is driving impaired. Hopefully he will lose his license and stop drinking-and-driving as a result (because even with therapy, it doesn't seem like wants to quit).
But that's all you can or should do. You could not fix this guy's life even if he wanted to. And he doesn't want you to. He wants to sleep on a futon at his mom's house. Leave him to it. Stay off the roads during his commute time.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 9:40 PM on February 4 [29 favorites]
This is not that. This is a person whose entire life is not compatible with what you want, what he says he wants or with having a stable, peaceful, happy life. You can hold an intervention for an alcoholic and say "You need to stop drinking." What is the five word equivalent here? It seems like the only possible answer is "You need to stop being you." And obviously that can't just happen. This is, by his actions, how he wants to live. You can (and should) call 911 if/when you know he is driving impaired. Hopefully he will lose his license and stop drinking-and-driving as a result (because even with therapy, it doesn't seem like wants to quit).
But that's all you can or should do. You could not fix this guy's life even if he wanted to. And he doesn't want you to. He wants to sleep on a futon at his mom's house. Leave him to it. Stay off the roads during his commute time.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 9:40 PM on February 4 [29 favorites]
Best answer: "I'm sorry, this isn't working out for me. I wish you all the good things in life."
It's better to not issue a laundry list of "here's why you're awful". You can't fix any of this, it's neither your obligation nor is it your right. He gets to live his life however he sees fit! As do you! These things are incompatible, your values are completely incompatible.
You do not owe ANYONE your time, attention, and intimacy. It doesn't matter how fucked up they are, you're not a charity. You are also not a therapist, this is not your job.
posted by Lyn Never at 9:53 PM on February 4 [19 favorites]
It's better to not issue a laundry list of "here's why you're awful". You can't fix any of this, it's neither your obligation nor is it your right. He gets to live his life however he sees fit! As do you! These things are incompatible, your values are completely incompatible.
You do not owe ANYONE your time, attention, and intimacy. It doesn't matter how fucked up they are, you're not a charity. You are also not a therapist, this is not your job.
posted by Lyn Never at 9:53 PM on February 4 [19 favorites]
Response by poster: Thank you everyone. I'm sorry if I came across as, "I'm better than him and he is living life wrong," people could probably say the same about me if they were different enough, and you are all completely right that everyone has the right to live as they please as long as they aren't hurting anyone or breaking the law. I understand now, I just need to tell him it is not working for me, I don't have the right to tell him how to live his own life! Live and let live, who am I to judge?
posted by anon1129 at 9:59 PM on February 4 [1 favorite]
posted by anon1129 at 9:59 PM on February 4 [1 favorite]
He’s not your business. Best of luck going forward!
posted by Iteki at 10:10 PM on February 4 [3 favorites]
posted by Iteki at 10:10 PM on February 4 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Dump this guy, get the hell out. Do it fast and straightforward, provide no openings for him to wedge in and manipulate you or make you feel guilty. Change your locks, digital passwords, and sort through any kind of shared stuff ahead of time, take maybe a week to do this. Make plans with your own friends to spend time with them at their place or nearby and not at your home shortly after you intend to break up. Then do so, and leave after he understands that you’re serious. The reason you should do these things is that he is absolutely the kind of guy who will try to chase after you, take advantage of things you may have shared for huge lengths after being dumped (like say a shared Netflix account or access to a shared photo album or material things like tools or anything borrowed), whine and mope and even escalate to stalking and other criminal behavior. You have to give him clear cut signs that you are no longer a part of his life and want complete separation, including not being available at home soon after breaking up.
Everything you’ve said about him and your relationship with him are red flags, and although he probably isn’t a monster, neither of you should be in a relationship with each other. The incompatibility is glaring. You have the opportunity to practice self love and experience standing up for yourself and being assertive. Please take it.
posted by Mizu at 10:15 PM on February 4 [22 favorites]
Everything you’ve said about him and your relationship with him are red flags, and although he probably isn’t a monster, neither of you should be in a relationship with each other. The incompatibility is glaring. You have the opportunity to practice self love and experience standing up for yourself and being assertive. Please take it.
posted by Mizu at 10:15 PM on February 4 [22 favorites]
Response by poster: yes I am concerned a bit about his reaction, he already made plans with me for Saturday night tonight and I wanted to break up with him Friday, but he called me today which is rare and made plans for Saturday. I still have large things of his at my apartment... Like his PlayStation, a guitar, amp, records, shirts... I do not know if I am overreacting but I am worried, my lease is up again in May and I considered waiting until closer to then so I could just move out and he would have no idea where I was... My friend offered me to move into her new 4 bedroom house and my dad would have me back. My back door has a thin glass window. He asked my work schedule today since I got a new job. I do not know if I am paranoid as I definitely have anxiety and overthink. He also does not seem very invested in our relationship in a way but I am worried to hurt his ego. I do not think he has any of my passwords and never gave him a key (though I have a spare or two around). I want to take precautions but also would in general totally prefer to stay in my place and not have to stay at someone's house if possible. Could I call him and end it? We live one hour apart.
posted by anon1129 at 10:20 PM on February 4
posted by anon1129 at 10:20 PM on February 4
You don't need to wait to break up with him because you slipped up and made plans for Saturday. You especially shouldn't wait until May to break up with someone that you know isn't healthy for you.
Option 1:call him back and tell him you have something else you have to do that night and cancel now (OK to lie about the exact "something else" if he won't accept that a general "something came up that I need to deal with" or "a friend really needs my help so I have to do that instead") Option 2: especially if the plan aren't anything complicated or expensive, just wait until Friday and when you break up with him, tell him that this means the Saturday plans are cancelled.
The stuff at your house really isn't that much. Get some boxes. Find a friend who will do you a favor and drop them off at his house after the break up. (Don't do it yourself) When you break up, tell him the plan to give his stuff back. Also tell him that you need some time to yourself after the breakup and you really don't want any contact with him until you both have had time to recover. Then hold to it and don't respond to any effort to contact you.
posted by metahawk at 10:42 PM on February 4 [18 favorites]
Option 1:call him back and tell him you have something else you have to do that night and cancel now (OK to lie about the exact "something else" if he won't accept that a general "something came up that I need to deal with" or "a friend really needs my help so I have to do that instead") Option 2: especially if the plan aren't anything complicated or expensive, just wait until Friday and when you break up with him, tell him that this means the Saturday plans are cancelled.
The stuff at your house really isn't that much. Get some boxes. Find a friend who will do you a favor and drop them off at his house after the break up. (Don't do it yourself) When you break up, tell him the plan to give his stuff back. Also tell him that you need some time to yourself after the breakup and you really don't want any contact with him until you both have had time to recover. Then hold to it and don't respond to any effort to contact you.
posted by metahawk at 10:42 PM on February 4 [18 favorites]
What metahawk says. The ideal time is as soon as you have his stuff with the friend and as soon as you're out of the apartment, if you're concerned about him having keys or otherwise haunting you there. Ask the friend with the 4BR house or your dad if you can stop with them for a bit while things settle down. See how he actually reacts before you worry about your lease.
posted by koahiatamadl at 12:39 AM on February 5 [3 favorites]
posted by koahiatamadl at 12:39 AM on February 5 [3 favorites]
I was going to say that if you want one thing to tell him, tell him you hope he'll stop drunk driving, because even if he's allowed to endanger himself nobody deserves to get hit by a drunk driver.
And that if you want two things to tell him, the second would be that "his life is not going to magically create itself". Just that, short and sweet, no elaboration or trying to convince or anything.
But if you're afraid of him then don't say anything at all. Seriously.
Pack up his things. Maybe ask a friend to drop them off at his place or his parents'.
I do not think he has any of my passwords and never gave him a key
He does seem to know about your online presence in at least some places, and you said he tracked what you were posting, so think about what you post and where, change your passwords, possibly change your locks if you're worried about him.
posted by trig at 1:18 AM on February 5 [6 favorites]
And that if you want two things to tell him, the second would be that "his life is not going to magically create itself". Just that, short and sweet, no elaboration or trying to convince or anything.
But if you're afraid of him then don't say anything at all. Seriously.
Pack up his things. Maybe ask a friend to drop them off at his place or his parents'.
I do not think he has any of my passwords and never gave him a key
He does seem to know about your online presence in at least some places, and you said he tracked what you were posting, so think about what you post and where, change your passwords, possibly change your locks if you're worried about him.
posted by trig at 1:18 AM on February 5 [6 favorites]
Best answer: I know there are a lot of egregious things listed here but seeing your comments on a forum and then hiding that he did and then using them against you is like some crazy asshole shit. wtf. So mean, so gross, so manipulative, so dishonest. DTMF.
posted by MisantropicPainforest at 4:16 AM on February 5 [5 favorites]
posted by MisantropicPainforest at 4:16 AM on February 5 [5 favorites]
If you wait until May, you'll wait longer than May. Do it now and be done with it. Don't get caught in the cycle of trying to schedule an ideal breakup, because there's always going to be something the equivalent of "plans for Saturday" to waffle over. Focus on the big picture: this is not a relationship you want to be in, and you shouldn't have to pretend otherwise. He doesn't sound so dangerous you need to orchestrate your complete disappearance; lock him out of the life you want to live but don't (imo) totally upend everything about that life at this point.
posted by teremala at 4:59 AM on February 5 [3 favorites]
posted by teremala at 4:59 AM on February 5 [3 favorites]
Someone above suggested you might say something about his drunk driving. I advise, don’t do that. It may give him false hope that there’s this one thing that maybe he can show a little improvement and then he deserves to get you back. Or it may become the one issue that he thinks you’re wrong about and if he confronts you and sets the record straight…
Mizu has described a pretty good path to follow.
posted by coldhotel at 5:15 AM on February 5 [5 favorites]
Mizu has described a pretty good path to follow.
posted by coldhotel at 5:15 AM on February 5 [5 favorites]
This person already knows he leads a life that concerns others, and has enacted ways around those concerns. There is nothing to be gained for you by opening that conversation on the way out the door. The best case scenario is that you get entangled in yet more conversations and support, muddying your own steps toward healthy self-hood. The worst case is that he gets angry and/or manipulative and things get even worse for you than they are now.
posted by cocoagirl at 5:21 AM on February 5 [6 favorites]
posted by cocoagirl at 5:21 AM on February 5 [6 favorites]
The thing with finishing with him - part of the point of finishing with him - is that he and his life cease to be your concern. That's the freeing thing about it.
Change can be scary, and we can look for ways to moderate that. But don't feel you need to soften your leaving by accompanying it with one last expression of concern for him. You're leaving, it's not your concern any more and that's great. You can (and should) just walk away.
Also, don't try and moderate the scariness by putting it off until May. It's tempting, but it's just kicking the can down the road. It'll be just as scary then, so do future you a favour and get it over with.
posted by penguin pie at 5:24 AM on February 5 [3 favorites]
Change can be scary, and we can look for ways to moderate that. But don't feel you need to soften your leaving by accompanying it with one last expression of concern for him. You're leaving, it's not your concern any more and that's great. You can (and should) just walk away.
Also, don't try and moderate the scariness by putting it off until May. It's tempting, but it's just kicking the can down the road. It'll be just as scary then, so do future you a favour and get it over with.
posted by penguin pie at 5:24 AM on February 5 [3 favorites]
Best answer: I'm so relieved you're exiting this relationship.
- Get your stuff if you can
- Get yourself safe
- Break up with him by phone
- Yes, it's fine.
- Do this as soon as possible
You don't owe this guy any more of your time or effort or goodness. He has squandered every ounce of it you've given him.
posted by phunniemee at 5:35 AM on February 5 [11 favorites]
- Get your stuff if you can
- Get yourself safe
- Break up with him by phone
- Yes, it's fine.
- Do this as soon as possible
You don't owe this guy any more of your time or effort or goodness. He has squandered every ounce of it you've given him.
posted by phunniemee at 5:35 AM on February 5 [11 favorites]
May!?!?! Absolutely not. Gather his things and have a friend drop them off. Call him and end it right after they've done so. Please. If you even have a HINT that you're worried about his reaction, get out now! I'm worried for you.
posted by tiny frying pan at 6:00 AM on February 5 [7 favorites]
posted by tiny frying pan at 6:00 AM on February 5 [7 favorites]
You've already told him.
Telling him again won't change anything or suddenly inspire him to become a different person.
There is a common fallacy that if you want something enough and tell someone else you want it, your words will make them want it as much as you do. You just have to find the right words! That's ridiculous. That's completely and always wrong. You are asking if you should help him, based on the assumption that you can help him. There are no right words that will give you the power over another human being so that you to do that.
Staging an intervention only works in the rare situation where the person was already motivated to change, the same way therapy only works if someone is motivated to change and seeking a lifeline. Your ex-boyfriend is not seeking your lifeline.
I think it would be safer and wiser to get out swiftly, gently and gracefully rather than doing anything that will prolong the drama. If you prolong the drama by opening this conversation again, you are just clinging to the relationship and trying to rekindle it.
posted by Jane the Brown at 6:05 AM on February 5 [5 favorites]
Telling him again won't change anything or suddenly inspire him to become a different person.
There is a common fallacy that if you want something enough and tell someone else you want it, your words will make them want it as much as you do. You just have to find the right words! That's ridiculous. That's completely and always wrong. You are asking if you should help him, based on the assumption that you can help him. There are no right words that will give you the power over another human being so that you to do that.
Staging an intervention only works in the rare situation where the person was already motivated to change, the same way therapy only works if someone is motivated to change and seeking a lifeline. Your ex-boyfriend is not seeking your lifeline.
I think it would be safer and wiser to get out swiftly, gently and gracefully rather than doing anything that will prolong the drama. If you prolong the drama by opening this conversation again, you are just clinging to the relationship and trying to rekindle it.
posted by Jane the Brown at 6:05 AM on February 5 [5 favorites]
Is it my duty to tell him that I am really concerned for him? His life is a mess and I am seriously concerned and disturbed the more I think about it.
The question is moot because there is no way for you to help him.
After all, who are you to him? You are the person who’s leaving him because you just don’t understand who he really is. Anything you say to him will simply be more proof of that.
So. Duty to help? Maybe. Ability to help? None.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 6:59 AM on February 5 [2 favorites]
The question is moot because there is no way for you to help him.
After all, who are you to him? You are the person who’s leaving him because you just don’t understand who he really is. Anything you say to him will simply be more proof of that.
So. Duty to help? Maybe. Ability to help? None.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 6:59 AM on February 5 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I'm so glad to hear you're taking steps to look out for your health and sanity.
Is it my duty to explain to him that his life is not going to magically create itself and that he is watching his life pass before his eyes and that his family really does not have his best interests at heart? It makes me so sad.
As others have already said, no you don't have a duty to do this.
But I did want to validate that you're likely experiencing a very strong feeling that you do have a duty to look after him even at the expense of your own health and happiness. I think this is very typical in your situation and unfortunately unlikely to go away until after you've taken steps to protect yourself at (what will feel like) his expense. One of the effects of being emotionally neglected is that you will likely feel awful when you do anything you believe another person will dislike. You will feel the need to rescue other people from harm even when the harm is of their own making and the act of trying to rescue them would destroy you. You've likely been conditioned to see your suffering as less significant than their suffering. You might experience significant shame at taking reasonable steps to protect yourself. This is a trauma response and kept you safe in a difficult situation, but that doesn't mean you have to act on the feeling and I promise the feeling will lessen with time and as you find safety and distance from all this.
You're being really brave and it sounds like you're making big progress in understanding what you need to do to feel safe. Try to hold in mind both that you're doing absolutely the right thing and that it's going to feel awful and like you're doing the wrong thing. Do everything you can to brace for this feeling and keep acting through it, and do everything you can to find comfort -- if there are foods and activities you like, anything gentle that helps you get through this, now is the time to seek them out.
I'm so sorry that when getting out of these toxic situations the best sign we have that we're doing the healthy thing often seems to be that it feels like we're doing something awful. I'm really keeping my fingers crossed for you.
posted by pandabanter at 6:59 AM on February 5 [4 favorites]
Is it my duty to explain to him that his life is not going to magically create itself and that he is watching his life pass before his eyes and that his family really does not have his best interests at heart? It makes me so sad.
As others have already said, no you don't have a duty to do this.
But I did want to validate that you're likely experiencing a very strong feeling that you do have a duty to look after him even at the expense of your own health and happiness. I think this is very typical in your situation and unfortunately unlikely to go away until after you've taken steps to protect yourself at (what will feel like) his expense. One of the effects of being emotionally neglected is that you will likely feel awful when you do anything you believe another person will dislike. You will feel the need to rescue other people from harm even when the harm is of their own making and the act of trying to rescue them would destroy you. You've likely been conditioned to see your suffering as less significant than their suffering. You might experience significant shame at taking reasonable steps to protect yourself. This is a trauma response and kept you safe in a difficult situation, but that doesn't mean you have to act on the feeling and I promise the feeling will lessen with time and as you find safety and distance from all this.
You're being really brave and it sounds like you're making big progress in understanding what you need to do to feel safe. Try to hold in mind both that you're doing absolutely the right thing and that it's going to feel awful and like you're doing the wrong thing. Do everything you can to brace for this feeling and keep acting through it, and do everything you can to find comfort -- if there are foods and activities you like, anything gentle that helps you get through this, now is the time to seek them out.
I'm so sorry that when getting out of these toxic situations the best sign we have that we're doing the healthy thing often seems to be that it feels like we're doing something awful. I'm really keeping my fingers crossed for you.
posted by pandabanter at 6:59 AM on February 5 [4 favorites]
If you were thinking, would my friends really drive an hour away to drop off his stuff? I will tell you that I have done about the same at least twice and made a fun weekend adventure about it. If you don't have someone to do this, and live in Minneapolis, meMail me. I got a car and will totally do a no contact dropoff an hour away from here.
posted by advicepig at 6:59 AM on February 5 [15 favorites]
posted by advicepig at 6:59 AM on February 5 [15 favorites]
- Yes, it's ok to break up now (or as soon as you have his stuff boxed up).
- Yes, stay with your mom or your friend, and/or have someone stay with you so you're not alone at home.
Seconding trig that if there's ONE thing you could say on your way out the door, it's "Please, stop driving when you've been drinking."
posted by Pallas Athena at 7:08 AM on February 5 [1 favorite]
- Yes, stay with your mom or your friend, and/or have someone stay with you so you're not alone at home.
Seconding trig that if there's ONE thing you could say on your way out the door, it's "Please, stop driving when you've been drinking."
posted by Pallas Athena at 7:08 AM on February 5 [1 favorite]
Once you have safely extricated yourself from his life (and yeah, do this now, not in May), I'd consider it an act of care to send one text or email before blocking along the lines of "As you know, I've observed that a lot of the decisions you've made in recent years have made you unhappy and unable to be the best version of yourself, with has in turn hurt me to the point I can't be with you anymore. While our relationship has no future, I genuinely wish you the best and hope you start making changes for your own well-being."
posted by coffeecat at 7:09 AM on February 5 [1 favorite]
posted by coffeecat at 7:09 AM on February 5 [1 favorite]
I was a version of this guy once. My ass got dumped, and I eventually figured out a life that worked for me. I always looked back and felt like I got dumped at my lowest point, it took years to understand the why of it.
Could be that your dumping him might actually help him.
posted by Team of Scientists at 7:13 AM on February 5 [4 favorites]
Could be that your dumping him might actually help him.
posted by Team of Scientists at 7:13 AM on February 5 [4 favorites]
Well, you might want to suggest he get help for his drinking. Pointing out the drunk driving could be useful too, but as long as he drinks he is at risk for drunk driving.
You're not going to fix the situation just by saying it, most people have to hear it a number of times, but people who quit often cite broken relationships and former partners making comments on their way out the door.
This is not something you owe him though. And be very careful not to sound like if he quits, you might consider getting back together. Good luck!
posted by BibiRose at 7:28 AM on February 5 [1 favorite]
You're not going to fix the situation just by saying it, most people have to hear it a number of times, but people who quit often cite broken relationships and former partners making comments on their way out the door.
This is not something you owe him though. And be very careful not to sound like if he quits, you might consider getting back together. Good luck!
posted by BibiRose at 7:28 AM on February 5 [1 favorite]
Please don’t bring up the drink driving as you’re leaving. It’s not a safe thing to do.
A break up is a stressful occasion by any metric, and most people are not going to be receptive to life advice in that situation, let alone someone who is potentially volatile in any event.
Add to that the fact that women are at significantly greater risk of harm by violence during a break up, and your focus should be on getting out safely.
Once you’ve done that, and had time to process, you can think about whether there is anything you can safely do in relation to the drink driving (for example by speaking to someone he might listen to).
Of course it’s ethical to try and prevent drink driving, but not at the cost of putting yourself in immediate risk of harm.
posted by JJZByBffqU at 8:04 AM on February 5 [5 favorites]
A break up is a stressful occasion by any metric, and most people are not going to be receptive to life advice in that situation, let alone someone who is potentially volatile in any event.
Add to that the fact that women are at significantly greater risk of harm by violence during a break up, and your focus should be on getting out safely.
Once you’ve done that, and had time to process, you can think about whether there is anything you can safely do in relation to the drink driving (for example by speaking to someone he might listen to).
Of course it’s ethical to try and prevent drink driving, but not at the cost of putting yourself in immediate risk of harm.
posted by JJZByBffqU at 8:04 AM on February 5 [5 favorites]
Best answer: You do not owe this man anything. You do not have a duty to him. He has convinced you that you're supposed to save him, and you can't. I'm sorry you haven't been able to break up with him already. Every single person answering you in your last post advised you to do that and suggested ways you could work toward that. Every single person in this post is telling you to get out, get out NOW.
You need to cut contact with him. Don't wait till Friday. Don't call, text. Tell him in your text not to call you and not to contact you in person or you will call the police. Do not respond to him afterwards. Do not read his texts but save them if you need proof that he is going to threaten you. And he will. Then find somewhere safe to stay for at least two weeks. He's a manipulator. If possible, have someone watch your apartment. Because he's going to show up, and he's going to be drunk and angry and dangerous.
He says he wants a family and financial security, but he is doing nothing, absolutely nothing to obtain that, except having you provide that for him. Once he locks you in with children, manipulates you even more so that you don't have any self-esteem or independence, controls you completely, he's got it.
You said his family enable each other and state that family is important and everything, but why are they not helping my boyfriend? Yes, they are enabling him to manipulate you and relieve themselves of the nuisance of helping him. Why should them help him? They have you to take over and free themselves of that liability.
Please, please get yourself out of this situation. Then come back and post, and everyone in this thread will support you. If you don't free yourself, there's really no sense in posting again to ask if you should leave him. You'll just hear the same thing we've been telling you over and over: He is not healthy for you. Leave him before he hurts you.
posted by BlueHorse at 9:19 AM on February 5 [13 favorites]
You need to cut contact with him. Don't wait till Friday. Don't call, text. Tell him in your text not to call you and not to contact you in person or you will call the police. Do not respond to him afterwards. Do not read his texts but save them if you need proof that he is going to threaten you. And he will. Then find somewhere safe to stay for at least two weeks. He's a manipulator. If possible, have someone watch your apartment. Because he's going to show up, and he's going to be drunk and angry and dangerous.
He says he wants a family and financial security, but he is doing nothing, absolutely nothing to obtain that, except having you provide that for him. Once he locks you in with children, manipulates you even more so that you don't have any self-esteem or independence, controls you completely, he's got it.
You said his family enable each other and state that family is important and everything, but why are they not helping my boyfriend? Yes, they are enabling him to manipulate you and relieve themselves of the nuisance of helping him. Why should them help him? They have you to take over and free themselves of that liability.
Please, please get yourself out of this situation. Then come back and post, and everyone in this thread will support you. If you don't free yourself, there's really no sense in posting again to ask if you should leave him. You'll just hear the same thing we've been telling you over and over: He is not healthy for you. Leave him before he hurts you.
posted by BlueHorse at 9:19 AM on February 5 [13 favorites]
What everyone has said above. Change any locks.
Reinforce your flimsy back door window.
Get a friend to dump his stuff.
Go somewhere else for a while.
Good luck!
We are all counting on you...
posted by Windopaene at 9:43 AM on February 5
Reinforce your flimsy back door window.
Get a friend to dump his stuff.
Go somewhere else for a while.
Good luck!
We are all counting on you...
posted by Windopaene at 9:43 AM on February 5
While I don't think it's your *duty* to tell him that you're concerned for him, it might be something that will make you feel more like you're making moral, caring decisions. That's fine.
I don't think you have to do it in person. I don't even think you need to go into great detail--although this "the farm does make money, they just spend it to avoid taxes" nonsense will keep him (and his farm) from ever going anywhere. That's not how taxes work. If they're making a profit and then spending it, it still counts as a profit, and at some point, they'll probably get caught violating the TCJA.
You don't want any part of that.
posted by yellowcandy at 9:44 AM on February 5 [1 favorite]
I don't think you have to do it in person. I don't even think you need to go into great detail--although this "the farm does make money, they just spend it to avoid taxes" nonsense will keep him (and his farm) from ever going anywhere. That's not how taxes work. If they're making a profit and then spending it, it still counts as a profit, and at some point, they'll probably get caught violating the TCJA.
You don't want any part of that.
posted by yellowcandy at 9:44 AM on February 5 [1 favorite]
Don’t kill yourself to save a drowning man.
There will never be a perfect time to break up—just rip the bandaid off.
And no, I don’t think that he needs to know that you’re concerned about his life. He knows what his life is, and it just opens up an argument from him wherein he offers his excuses.
Be firm but kind. You’re doing a great job.
posted by sugarbomb at 10:05 AM on February 5 [1 favorite]
There will never be a perfect time to break up—just rip the bandaid off.
And no, I don’t think that he needs to know that you’re concerned about his life. He knows what his life is, and it just opens up an argument from him wherein he offers his excuses.
Be firm but kind. You’re doing a great job.
posted by sugarbomb at 10:05 AM on February 5 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: I’m thinking of asking my dad to install a metal covering like grate over my door window and I could put in a ring doorbell cam. The more I think about it the more scared I feel and I could totally be overreacting. But he would “bop” his dog and kinda hit her in front of me and his family. I’ve seen his married couple friends wrestling and fighting eachother in the ground and blowout fights when drunk. I think his uncle once mentioned in front of me that he used to hit his brother for no reason as a kid and his aunt said he was an extremely sore loser and turned into a different kid. He gets super mad over fantasy football. Once I had a terrible sunburn and a horsefly landed on my back and he smacked it extremely hard in front of his family, he warned me though, but it almost made me cry. And recently he ran a shopping cart into my heels and it really hurt but was probably a total accident. He always apologizes. I’m thinking about getting a doorbell cam and having my dad maybe install a grate or something over my back door window. I could totally be spiraling.
posted by anon1129 at 10:15 AM on February 5 [1 favorite]
posted by anon1129 at 10:15 AM on February 5 [1 favorite]
Best answer: A lot of people on Metafilter think it's gross when I say this, but get a baseball bat and keep it near you for the next few weeks.
I have a baseball bat by my door. It's a weapon I'd be physically capable of using, should it come to that, but more than that it's a mental thing. When I see my baseball bat it reinforces to myself that I'm a person who will defend herself. I see it and remind myself that if I'm in danger I won't hesitate to clobber anyone threatening my safety.
It's never come up. But if it ever does, I've been hyping myself up for years and I trust myself to take defensive action when I need to. The baseball bat is a weapon, but it's more a totemic ward. You see it, and you know you're a woman who's prepared to protect herself.
posted by phunniemee at 10:31 AM on February 5 [11 favorites]
I have a baseball bat by my door. It's a weapon I'd be physically capable of using, should it come to that, but more than that it's a mental thing. When I see my baseball bat it reinforces to myself that I'm a person who will defend herself. I see it and remind myself that if I'm in danger I won't hesitate to clobber anyone threatening my safety.
It's never come up. But if it ever does, I've been hyping myself up for years and I trust myself to take defensive action when I need to. The baseball bat is a weapon, but it's more a totemic ward. You see it, and you know you're a woman who's prepared to protect herself.
posted by phunniemee at 10:31 AM on February 5 [11 favorites]
If someone will hit anyone or do violence to anyone-- a kid, a dog, a friend-- they can do it to you. You should get the grate and camera. If nothing happens, great! If he chooses to do something, you're prepared.
Agree about the baseball bat. The mental preparation to act decisively to defend yourself is very important and it will help.
posted by blnkfrnk at 10:43 AM on February 5 [1 favorite]
Agree about the baseball bat. The mental preparation to act decisively to defend yourself is very important and it will help.
posted by blnkfrnk at 10:43 AM on February 5 [1 favorite]
I predict one of two scenarios in May:
you will write asking how to break up with your boyfriend, because you don't break up. You don't break up because you're drawn to the unhealthy dynamic of him being a project that needs fixing, and you being the fixer. I've been there too. It's easy to fall into that because you're empathetic and kind, you see he needs help so staying with him ensures you feel valuable;
You'll write asking how can people move on so quickly, because you told him your concerns in a kind way, he told you to go eff yourself, and he's now married to TeenaLinda from the Shop n Go. From what you're saying, of course he won't take this well but also, he does not seem AT ALL invested in the relationship. He doesn't call for a week? That's not somebody who is super into the two of you.
So...break up with him quietly and quickly. Just move out for a bit and then reassess. Block him everywhere. Get out there and hang with people who love you.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 12:01 PM on February 5 [2 favorites]
you will write asking how to break up with your boyfriend, because you don't break up. You don't break up because you're drawn to the unhealthy dynamic of him being a project that needs fixing, and you being the fixer. I've been there too. It's easy to fall into that because you're empathetic and kind, you see he needs help so staying with him ensures you feel valuable;
You'll write asking how can people move on so quickly, because you told him your concerns in a kind way, he told you to go eff yourself, and he's now married to TeenaLinda from the Shop n Go. From what you're saying, of course he won't take this well but also, he does not seem AT ALL invested in the relationship. He doesn't call for a week? That's not somebody who is super into the two of you.
So...break up with him quietly and quickly. Just move out for a bit and then reassess. Block him everywhere. Get out there and hang with people who love you.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 12:01 PM on February 5 [2 favorites]
A lot of people on Metafilter think it's gross when I say this, but get a baseball bat and keep it near you for the next few weeks.
A different perspective on that is that you should never keep a weapon that you don't know how to use. It's likely to be taken and used against you.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 12:08 PM on February 5 [6 favorites]
A different perspective on that is that you should never keep a weapon that you don't know how to use. It's likely to be taken and used against you.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 12:08 PM on February 5 [6 favorites]
Best answer: Change your locks, install the Ring doorbell camera and the window grate, and stay somewhere else anyway for the first week or two. Set up the doorbell cam to record and let you see things live. This should record when he shows up at your place, and how he reacts when he finds you're not there. Will he be an adult about it, or will he rage and get physical? Then you'll know what you're dealing with, and you'll also have evidence saved if you need it.
You are wondering if you're spiraling, I can tell you that I do not know any single or couple friends in my circle who have fights and wrestle when they're drunk, or people who "bop" (is that a cutesy term for hitting?) their pet. In fact most people in my circle dote on their furry companions. So that is all waaaaay out of the bounds of normal (to me), and I don't think you're spiraling or catastrophizing given what you shared here. The caution and high alert is warranted based on your experiences.
posted by tinydancer at 12:24 PM on February 5 [9 favorites]
You are wondering if you're spiraling, I can tell you that I do not know any single or couple friends in my circle who have fights and wrestle when they're drunk, or people who "bop" (is that a cutesy term for hitting?) their pet. In fact most people in my circle dote on their furry companions. So that is all waaaaay out of the bounds of normal (to me), and I don't think you're spiraling or catastrophizing given what you shared here. The caution and high alert is warranted based on your experiences.
posted by tinydancer at 12:24 PM on February 5 [9 favorites]
I think that you and your boyfriend and his family live very different and incompatible lives, and it is not your job to tell your boyfriend or his family what kind of lives they should lead except where it harms you or others.
There are some things where you're clearly in the right, and some things where it's a matter of preference. His family doesn't want to sell land? That's a value. Some people prefer to keep land in the family forever, no matter how much it's worth. His family *is* helping him - they're letting him live rent free on land they've kept for generations. The farm is generating enough money to pay the taxes on the land. (That's not actually *profit* though, that's just "breaking even", but it still keeps them housed). He takes care of a mentally ill parent and doesn't throw her to the side. These are things a lot of people wouldn't have a problem with.
His house and the farm are cluttered? That's a personal preference. You're kitchen sinking. None of this stuff is relevant to your relationship. Nor is his student loans. A lot of people have student loans. Lots of people work low wage jobs for a decade.
How he treats you matters. His driving drunk matters. How he treats animals matters. The rest of the stuff just means you shouldn't date.
Because you seem to hate everything else in his life as well, no, I would not bring up the things that are serious problems: because they will just be taken as noise. If you care about him, you can bring them up to someone else who cares about him. But for you? Just go, get away and change your number.
posted by corb at 12:56 PM on February 5 [4 favorites]
There are some things where you're clearly in the right, and some things where it's a matter of preference. His family doesn't want to sell land? That's a value. Some people prefer to keep land in the family forever, no matter how much it's worth. His family *is* helping him - they're letting him live rent free on land they've kept for generations. The farm is generating enough money to pay the taxes on the land. (That's not actually *profit* though, that's just "breaking even", but it still keeps them housed). He takes care of a mentally ill parent and doesn't throw her to the side. These are things a lot of people wouldn't have a problem with.
His house and the farm are cluttered? That's a personal preference. You're kitchen sinking. None of this stuff is relevant to your relationship. Nor is his student loans. A lot of people have student loans. Lots of people work low wage jobs for a decade.
How he treats you matters. His driving drunk matters. How he treats animals matters. The rest of the stuff just means you shouldn't date.
Because you seem to hate everything else in his life as well, no, I would not bring up the things that are serious problems: because they will just be taken as noise. If you care about him, you can bring them up to someone else who cares about him. But for you? Just go, get away and change your number.
posted by corb at 12:56 PM on February 5 [4 favorites]
A different perspective on that is that you should never keep a weapon that you don't know how to use. It's likely to be taken and used against you.
Yeah. Especially if it's someone physically stronger than you, or someone you don't actually think you'd be psychologically able to inflict real damage on with that weapon but who you think might be willing to do that to you.
If you want to feel and maybe project more confidence, self-defense classes might help.
posted by trig at 3:22 PM on February 5
Yeah. Especially if it's someone physically stronger than you, or someone you don't actually think you'd be psychologically able to inflict real damage on with that weapon but who you think might be willing to do that to you.
If you want to feel and maybe project more confidence, self-defense classes might help.
posted by trig at 3:22 PM on February 5
Mod note: Hey anon1129, please be aware that Ask MetaFilter is designed to be a question and answer format, not a conversation format, so please refrain from going back and forth is said conversational style, thanks. If you have any question about this policy, please feel free to reach out to us via the Contact Us form.
posted by Brandon Blatcher (staff) at 4:02 PM on February 5
posted by Brandon Blatcher (staff) at 4:02 PM on February 5
You know what you need to do. Now you just need a plan. Install all the safety measures you spoke about then go away for a few weeks.
Then you break up with him over the phone. It’ll be a five minute (at most) uncomfortable conversation. Explain to him that your mind is made up and this will be the last conversation you two have. Then hang up and block him and do stress relief activity of your choice because woohoo, you ripped that Band-Aid off.
This guy will be fine. He existed before you, he’ll manage after you but either way his life is his problem. Then you go live yours.
posted by Jubey at 1:16 AM on February 6 [1 favorite]
Then you break up with him over the phone. It’ll be a five minute (at most) uncomfortable conversation. Explain to him that your mind is made up and this will be the last conversation you two have. Then hang up and block him and do stress relief activity of your choice because woohoo, you ripped that Band-Aid off.
This guy will be fine. He existed before you, he’ll manage after you but either way his life is his problem. Then you go live yours.
posted by Jubey at 1:16 AM on February 6 [1 favorite]
The grate and doorbell cam sound like a good idea. Is it possible to ask your Dad, or a large male friend, to stay at your place for the weekend?
posted by Pallas Athena at 7:14 AM on February 6
posted by Pallas Athena at 7:14 AM on February 6
Best answer: Is it my duty to explain to him that his life is not going to magically create itself
Hey, your own life isn't going to magically create itself either! If you don't want to be in this relationship you need to take steps to not be in it now, not wait months until May comes. May will probably have some other reason or excuse why you aren't ready to break up.
Maybe you are nervous about trying to create your own life for yourself, and that's why you are thinking of telling him this. No you don't need to tell him this, you need to tell yourself this. Your life isn't going to magically create itself, you are going to have to actually deal with breaking up.
I want to take precautions but also would in general totally prefer to stay in my place and not have to stay at someone's house if possible
It is not a good feeling at 2 am in the morning to suddenly have something happen that makes you really really wish you had decided to stay elsewhere.
posted by yohko at 11:06 AM on February 6 [7 favorites]
Hey, your own life isn't going to magically create itself either! If you don't want to be in this relationship you need to take steps to not be in it now, not wait months until May comes. May will probably have some other reason or excuse why you aren't ready to break up.
Maybe you are nervous about trying to create your own life for yourself, and that's why you are thinking of telling him this. No you don't need to tell him this, you need to tell yourself this. Your life isn't going to magically create itself, you are going to have to actually deal with breaking up.
I want to take precautions but also would in general totally prefer to stay in my place and not have to stay at someone's house if possible
It is not a good feeling at 2 am in the morning to suddenly have something happen that makes you really really wish you had decided to stay elsewhere.
posted by yohko at 11:06 AM on February 6 [7 favorites]
My thoughts on your situation remain the same as they were on your last post. Forget all those bullet points and lists of reasons and non-reasons.
Stay focused on the goal: you need to get out of this relationship, and do it quickly and cleanly.
posted by keep it under cover at 3:05 PM on February 6 [1 favorite]
Stay focused on the goal: you need to get out of this relationship, and do it quickly and cleanly.
posted by keep it under cover at 3:05 PM on February 6 [1 favorite]
I hope you leave soon. Your other post made me sad for you, and I was sad to realize you haven't left yet.
You don't owe him anything, and as others have pointed out, it's probably better not to telegraph your intent by writing him a heartfelt note or otherwise belaboring the process of breaking up. Listen to what people are telling you in this thread and take the advice here.
posted by limeonaire at 7:36 PM on February 6 [1 favorite]
You don't owe him anything, and as others have pointed out, it's probably better not to telegraph your intent by writing him a heartfelt note or otherwise belaboring the process of breaking up. Listen to what people are telling you in this thread and take the advice here.
posted by limeonaire at 7:36 PM on February 6 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Final Update: I sent a breakup text and blocked/unfriended him and his associates on phone and social media this evening. I installed a security camera. I’m staying with someone.
He did leave me a voicemail, I get blocked voicemails as well. He was apologizing for calling despite knowing I asked for no contact. He said he respects my decision but wants closure because he doesn’t understand why the relationship ended. He asks if I’d consider talking to him again and ended by saying he loves me.
Still working on a plan to get his things back to him, my friend said she’d be happy to go with me.
posted by anon1129 at 9:50 PM on February 7 [6 favorites]
He did leave me a voicemail, I get blocked voicemails as well. He was apologizing for calling despite knowing I asked for no contact. He said he respects my decision but wants closure because he doesn’t understand why the relationship ended. He asks if I’d consider talking to him again and ended by saying he loves me.
Still working on a plan to get his things back to him, my friend said she’d be happy to go with me.
posted by anon1129 at 9:50 PM on February 7 [6 favorites]
Best answer: Please don't fall for that closure BS. It's just a form of manipulation, and when you start trying to explain to him, or talk, to him, or whatever, he'll be twisting your words and your emotions with this love-bomb crap, and you'll really want to believe him, because breaking up is hard, and it's easier to go back to what you know. Don't fall for it.
Do NOT go anywhere to see him and give him his stuff back. Can you have him pick it up at a male friends place at a time when you're not there? Otherwise, drop it off at the local library or on the steps of the local police station, then call and tell him where it's at. If he sees you, at the least he will do all this verbal manipulation, and at the worst he'll attempt to hurt you, or even hurt your friend, if female. If the friend you are talking about going with is male, and your ex sees him, it could make him angry enough to hurt you later, claiming you cheated.
Good for you for taking the first hardest step. Stay strong. Be careful who you talk to you, because he's going to be trying to find out what you're doing and where you're going so he can confront you. Be safe.
posted by BlueHorse at 10:29 PM on February 7 [2 favorites]
Do NOT go anywhere to see him and give him his stuff back. Can you have him pick it up at a male friends place at a time when you're not there? Otherwise, drop it off at the local library or on the steps of the local police station, then call and tell him where it's at. If he sees you, at the least he will do all this verbal manipulation, and at the worst he'll attempt to hurt you, or even hurt your friend, if female. If the friend you are talking about going with is male, and your ex sees him, it could make him angry enough to hurt you later, claiming you cheated.
Good for you for taking the first hardest step. Stay strong. Be careful who you talk to you, because he's going to be trying to find out what you're doing and where you're going so he can confront you. Be safe.
posted by BlueHorse at 10:29 PM on February 7 [2 favorites]
Otherwise, drop it off at the local library or on the steps of the local police station
This is something that women's shelters can help facilitate as well.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 8:19 AM on February 8 [1 favorite]
This is something that women's shelters can help facilitate as well.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 8:19 AM on February 8 [1 favorite]
Best answer: he doesn’t understand why the relationship ended.
That’s weird. Everyone in this thread understands EXACTLY why the relationship ended.
posted by Vatnesine at 8:41 AM on February 9 [3 favorites]
That’s weird. Everyone in this thread understands EXACTLY why the relationship ended.
posted by Vatnesine at 8:41 AM on February 9 [3 favorites]
He said he respects my decision but wants closure because he doesn’t understand why the relationship ended.
You don't owe him closure.
In any case, he knows exactly why the relationship ended, this is just an attempt at more manipulation.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 4:08 PM on February 9 [3 favorites]
You don't owe him closure.
In any case, he knows exactly why the relationship ended, this is just an attempt at more manipulation.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 4:08 PM on February 9 [3 favorites]
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You don’t have to save him too. You are really close to the situation now. I’d say get out, get all your ducks in a row, heal and recalibrate for 2-3 months and see if you still feel the need to tell him everything then.
It sounds like he and his family are good at rationalizing/excusing failure, he will probably use all the tools he already has to understand the situation. You can’t say the magic thing that will make him understand.
posted by Vatnesine at 9:11 PM on February 4 [24 favorites]