Should I move in with my dad and break up with my boyfriend, or no?
September 28, 2024 4:03 PM Subscribe
I am 31F and at a cross roads. I am living alone check to check and dating a man for 2.5 years. I am 20k in debt and he is 54k in debt. We were going to move in together in November when my lease is up, but I’ve woken up a bit and think I maybe should move in with my dad instead. I’m not sure if our financial situations will work together or lifestyle.
I am worried about my boyfriend and is future. Should I end it or is it workable?
We met online and have been dating 2.5 years. He lives one hour away. I’ve had several LTR but he’s only had one other 6 month relationship from college.
I grew up in a Midwest city and never left. Parents divorced, mom really mentally ill and illiterate so I grew up with my dad, dad was abusive and neglectful, stepmom abusive, mom too. I moved out in 2017 at 24 and am now 32F and in $20k federal student loan debt (originally 24k, graduated in 2020) with a BA in Communications. I rent an apartment for $960 by myself with two cats. I only make $53k as a customer operations coordinator but am working on a career change to maybe project management to make more, though it has been rough in this job market. Many interviews no offers. I only have $7.2k in retirement and $400 to my name. My dad was wonderful and paid off my $3.5k credit card last week after my mom told him I’m not doing good financially and he reached out, and I’ve locked up the card.
My boyfriend grew up one hour north on a family farm next to a small town of 2k. His dad was a maintenance worker and mom on disability or had admin jobs. His parents divorced this year and his mom is living on couches and out of hotels. My boyfriend is 35M and $54k in private student loan debt (originally $84k, started college in 2007, not sure when he stopped) with an AA in Applied Science. He originally went to a university for engineering just like his older sister did but couldn’t pass the math classes, but got into the party scene, got arrested a few times, his Facebook is full of posts from long ago about getting and being drunk and “let’s fuck shit up!!!” type of posts. He even has a couple posts about wrecking his truck drunk driving. He got kicked out of his fraternity when he got arrested, couldn’t pass classes, switched his major several times, dropped out, moved back to the farm, then went to community college and got his AA just so he could say he finished something. He had at least 84k in private student loans, but paid off 30k in 5 or so years, now at 54k. He has lived with his family since he came back from university in 2011. He makes 54k as an apprentice ironworker (he is one year in) and should make $36/hr in two years. However he did waver getting into iron, and he has considered another job offer recently at his old mechanic job, so he does not seem that committed or happy as the work is very tough and commute can be long, and also he smokes weed he says only on special occasions although he gets randomly drug tested at work, which I believe could cost him his job. I think he said he had $54k in retirement as I thought he said he broke even with his debt. He currently pays $1.2k on his student loans monthly, he told me recently. I knew he had student debt but he just told me how much recently.
He still sleeps on his old futon from college in his dad’s unfinished basement. Their home is neglected and not clean. Unfinished projects and cracked walls and cabinet doors missing and expired food. His mom is really mentally ill and recently divorced the dad a few months ago. No one in the family likes her and they idolize their dad who is a very sweet man and good man but also makes questionable decisions, and also there’s a lot of beer cans around and I’m not sure who’s all drinking the beer, maybe he drinks a lot I’m not sure, I think all of them do (boyfriend, lil brother, and dad). I know my boyfriend’s brother said about my boyfriend, “when are you not drinking?” And boyfriend looked to me nervously and quickly to see my reaction. He told me before he doesn’t drink much though. He doesn’t at my house, he usually comes over and spends the night on Saturdays and stay until Sunday evening.
We planned to move in together in a couple of months, my mom encouraged me to ask him, with me moving out to him possibly renting an apartment (my choice) or house (he would like 2-3 bedrooms and a garage he said at first, but then said later after looking he could do an apartment) he lives an hour away in the country. Although there is really like no places for rent out there. He said he could do up to 30 minutes south of him which is in the middle of us but wants to be 10-15 minutes from the farm. He could transfer to the union in my city with the best jobs but doesn’t want to. His friends live north of him which I suspect may be a reason, he knew two guys in iron in the union 50 minutes north of him, the union in my city is 50 minutes south of him. My city has the best jobs in the area, there are some alright jobs in the city north of him but not as many or as diverse. Or he said up to an hour north of him in the town where his union hall is or between there and the farm. His farm is 45 minutes north of my work. But I find his friends to be kinda losers and I’m not interested in what they do like party and drink and smoke weed and cigarettes and socialize in unproductive ways in my opinion, maybe I’m a snob. Their gatherings are always hosted by a couple that end up fighting and screaming violently at each other at the end of the gathering. One time during a float trip I witnessed them physically fighting, hitting each other and rolling around in the dirt wrestling drunk and fighting. His friends are friendly but make bad decisions and I feel like I’m back at 20 years old with a party crowd who I would never choose for myself. My boyfriend seems to be the hype guy at the parties, like when we were on a float trip with them, and he brought out the beer bong and encouraged everyone to drink up etc. My boyfriend is a really sweet guy but I see a different and more party loving and devious side when he’s with his friends. Although his friends all call him so sweet and loyal and he is. He told me when he got a DUI and lost his license for a year and had probation, he helped his friends move anyway and drove a trailer he borrowed to help them, because he is so loyal. I thought that was way too risky.
But I’m considering just moving in with my dad for a short while since I’m broke and I’m suddenly scared to move out to him to the country (there’s pretty much no places for rent hear him anyways) away from my city with the most and best jobs for hundreds of miles. I was excited at first but as time got closer I realized that realistically it was looking risky.
Also I asked how much he could contribute to shared expenses and he said he didn’t know, a few hundred maybe, he’d have to check. I was concerned and a bit angry that he didn’t already figure out his budget or know, and he’s seemingly not committing to anything and leaving me to fill in the gaps possibly seeing what I’ll put up with doing. I’m worried I’m going to live out there, he won’t contribute much perhaps, any financial help he’d offer would probably be offset by commuting costs, plus my car is a 2004 and has like 265k miles on it.
He has told me he loves me so much and he never wants to lose me and he loves me more than anything and how wonderful I am. He stares at me while I rest. He teared up at the rose I gave him once. He’s known for being very loyal and dependable by his friends. He said he’d do anything for me. I never want it hurt him. But suddenly I feel I’ve sobered up and I’m concerned about making a big mistake living with him especially out there. I’m scared I’ll never achieve the dreams I’ve held for so long.
I would like to have a child by the time I am 35 which is only 3 years away. I would like to buy a home someday as soon as I can really but I’m a long ways off. I need a better job desperately. I’ve been doing a lot of interviewing but had no offers.
I’m worried if I’m with my boyfriend that we will be dirt poor and that I’ll feel resentful. Since hearing of the amount of his debt and putting together how he didn’t seem to prioritize paying it off or getting a good paying job until like 1 year ago (and doesn’t like it and could lose it due to smoking weed) I’m feeling frustrated. I do love him a lot and he’s a sweetheart but his bad past decisions, when I’ve put together what kind of person he’s been I question who he is. He actually had a past DUI and several arrests in college for weed or drinking or driving. His last charge was the 2016 DUI and I found out about that after over one year when his friend basically brought it up and made him tell me, though he pretended to not know what she was talking about. Also, he will still drive after drinking. He told me about how he and his old friend who sadly passed in a motorcycle accident used to go drinking and driving, getting lost for fun. So I’m worried about what could happen. I know he has totaled his truck at least four times over the 15 years he’s had it. He’s posted on Facebook over ten years ago a couple times about how he messed up his trucking drinking, saying, “despite my best drunken attempts, that truck is a tough sum b****” and “I was really drunk and shouldn’t have been driving but oh well, I enjoyed myself thoroughly.” It’s mind blowing that he posted it but even more mind blowing it’s still up, even after his DUI. He said he learned his lesson on the DUI but he still drinks after drinking some and installed a radar detector to avoid cops. Also he talked back to the cop and then got arrested, and he downplayed it and said he hoped I didn’t think of him differently. But he also claimed the cop was looking for someone to arrest etc. and didn’t seem to take responsibility even 7 years later.
I’m worried that if we move forward together that I will resent his past irresponsibility. I am not sure how much he has changed. I do not know how motivated he is, he has expressed urgency about paying off his loans. But what if he gets into an accident at work and fails a drug test. His life could be ruined by medical bills. I could make it a boundary that he not smoke weed while working this job. But his dad grows weed on their farm and his aunt gifts him edibles and his friends all smoke.
Also, his family has owned a 300 acre farm for three generations. Currently his dad farms it with help of my boyfriend and his brother (there are four children, he has two sisters). His dad said when I met them that the farm breaks even. They work it nights and weekends. I do not think it is in good shape. The property is cluttered with junk piles and broke down vehicles. The house is shoddy and falling apart and cluttered and not clean. The farm structures look worn and rusted a bit. There are beer cans in the tractors and empty liquor bottles in the kitchen. Also, the family uses the farm account for personal expenses, my boyfriend said that, “any expense we can fudge as a farm expense, we do so since we don’t get paid by the farm.” My boyfriend said that the farm is his long term plan and retirement. I don’t really fathom how he plans for that to work out. I know his aunt and grandma own a share of the farm and his dad rents it from them. But looking at how my boyfriend has managed money in the past, I do not feel he really has a plan and just thinks he’ll be able to make money on the farm even though his dad couldn’t or only brought in a little while putting in tons of hours on it. I don’t know much about farming at all, but I know it’s hard work and very expensive. They also would never sell the farm, ever.
When I asked recently, my boyfriend did say he wants kids, I told him I also wanted a house someday and he said he did too, I said I’m working on my retirement and he said the farm is his retirement, I told him my doctor said to have my first child by 35 and he said we have time.
I also don’t know that my boyfriend and I have the same values, his friends he describes as wild and such, they all seem to drink a lot or smoke weed a lot and like to party, unstable relationships, my boyfriend is known for always being down to party. He is such a gentleman around me and is very polite and quiet, but when I see pictures of him with his friends on the past partying or hear stories about him or hear of his past decisions I feel worried and like I don’t know him. I heard his friend acknowledge that they understand it took him a while to bring me around them since they’re a bit wild. And hanging out with his friends I think I’ve witnessed domestic violence, screaming, driving after drinking, heard stories of my boyfriend passing out drunk on lawns and half outside tents and such.
I have been very in love but the last month after hearing about his debt and how he said he can give me maybe a few hundred for shared expenses when we live together, worries me about what our future will look like.
I also showed him my budget app and spreadsheet and he said it’s way more than he does and that he just looks at his bank statements. He had told me that his first job taught him how to budget. He said that he didn’t make enough money for years to be able to make a dent in his loans and is proud that he’s paid off 30k in 4 or 6 years (I thought he said 6 but then he said 4) which is good, but it’s frustrating that he only has an AA to show for it and I’m not sure how committed he is to ironworking.
Also he is against cops and said he thinks they’re only out to protect property and status and that we’d be better off protecting ourselves. I was like, I am glad there is law enforcement and I wouldn’t feel safe if people didn’t have serious consequences looming over them or there wasn’t a force to call in an emergency.
Also I do get the sense that he wants me to lead and make decisions. I frequently want to discuss things with him, even simple decisions, and he seems to get irritated and says, “idk babe it’s up to You!” Or “it’s your choice,” and gets impatient like, “decisions, decisions!” I want a partner who I can talk to and work things out with, and communicate with and make decisions with. He doesn’t like making decisions. Maybe I can understand since the decisions he has made have been pretty terrible for the most part. His family is full of strong woman figures like his aunt and sisters and mom who are very assertive and domineering at times, they are great women but also don’t leave room for a man’s voice and they kinda baby him. He still goes by his childhood nickname. He seems to be very passive and doesn’t assert anything but having fun.
Also recently he drove us using my car to his family float trip and on a windy and hilly road at night he passed 3 cars in a no passing lane and lingered in the oncoming lane. I’ve also seen him weave in and out of traffic aggressively and he’s drifted around corners a couple times and claimed it was an accident though it seemed on purpose.
The best jobs are in my city but there’s also a less diverse market 50 minutes north of his farm. Besides that there not too much in his area. It’s mostly farmland and small little towns. I have always wanted to live in the country someday and raise a family there but my career isn’t ready for that yet and I’d rather live west of my city St. Louis rather than an hour north in Nowhere, IL. Also I think I’m disappointing my dad. He does seem concerned about my boyfriend although doesn’t say anything. He did say when I told him I was going to move to IL that he always chose to stay in STL because that’s were the work is, and he’s told my boyfriend multiple times there’s plenty of work here, when my boyfriend was laid off for a couple months. I know my dad is so against student loan debt and my boyfriend took out a lot. My boyfriend’s family absolutely loves him and he’s popular and well-loved. He did express once that his loans are like a boulder preventing him from anything, a house family or car, and seemed really stressed and frustrated. That was one year into our relationship.
What is the smartest thing to do, as obviously I have a pattern of making poor decisions.
I am worried about my boyfriend and is future. Should I end it or is it workable?
We met online and have been dating 2.5 years. He lives one hour away. I’ve had several LTR but he’s only had one other 6 month relationship from college.
I grew up in a Midwest city and never left. Parents divorced, mom really mentally ill and illiterate so I grew up with my dad, dad was abusive and neglectful, stepmom abusive, mom too. I moved out in 2017 at 24 and am now 32F and in $20k federal student loan debt (originally 24k, graduated in 2020) with a BA in Communications. I rent an apartment for $960 by myself with two cats. I only make $53k as a customer operations coordinator but am working on a career change to maybe project management to make more, though it has been rough in this job market. Many interviews no offers. I only have $7.2k in retirement and $400 to my name. My dad was wonderful and paid off my $3.5k credit card last week after my mom told him I’m not doing good financially and he reached out, and I’ve locked up the card.
My boyfriend grew up one hour north on a family farm next to a small town of 2k. His dad was a maintenance worker and mom on disability or had admin jobs. His parents divorced this year and his mom is living on couches and out of hotels. My boyfriend is 35M and $54k in private student loan debt (originally $84k, started college in 2007, not sure when he stopped) with an AA in Applied Science. He originally went to a university for engineering just like his older sister did but couldn’t pass the math classes, but got into the party scene, got arrested a few times, his Facebook is full of posts from long ago about getting and being drunk and “let’s fuck shit up!!!” type of posts. He even has a couple posts about wrecking his truck drunk driving. He got kicked out of his fraternity when he got arrested, couldn’t pass classes, switched his major several times, dropped out, moved back to the farm, then went to community college and got his AA just so he could say he finished something. He had at least 84k in private student loans, but paid off 30k in 5 or so years, now at 54k. He has lived with his family since he came back from university in 2011. He makes 54k as an apprentice ironworker (he is one year in) and should make $36/hr in two years. However he did waver getting into iron, and he has considered another job offer recently at his old mechanic job, so he does not seem that committed or happy as the work is very tough and commute can be long, and also he smokes weed he says only on special occasions although he gets randomly drug tested at work, which I believe could cost him his job. I think he said he had $54k in retirement as I thought he said he broke even with his debt. He currently pays $1.2k on his student loans monthly, he told me recently. I knew he had student debt but he just told me how much recently.
He still sleeps on his old futon from college in his dad’s unfinished basement. Their home is neglected and not clean. Unfinished projects and cracked walls and cabinet doors missing and expired food. His mom is really mentally ill and recently divorced the dad a few months ago. No one in the family likes her and they idolize their dad who is a very sweet man and good man but also makes questionable decisions, and also there’s a lot of beer cans around and I’m not sure who’s all drinking the beer, maybe he drinks a lot I’m not sure, I think all of them do (boyfriend, lil brother, and dad). I know my boyfriend’s brother said about my boyfriend, “when are you not drinking?” And boyfriend looked to me nervously and quickly to see my reaction. He told me before he doesn’t drink much though. He doesn’t at my house, he usually comes over and spends the night on Saturdays and stay until Sunday evening.
We planned to move in together in a couple of months, my mom encouraged me to ask him, with me moving out to him possibly renting an apartment (my choice) or house (he would like 2-3 bedrooms and a garage he said at first, but then said later after looking he could do an apartment) he lives an hour away in the country. Although there is really like no places for rent out there. He said he could do up to 30 minutes south of him which is in the middle of us but wants to be 10-15 minutes from the farm. He could transfer to the union in my city with the best jobs but doesn’t want to. His friends live north of him which I suspect may be a reason, he knew two guys in iron in the union 50 minutes north of him, the union in my city is 50 minutes south of him. My city has the best jobs in the area, there are some alright jobs in the city north of him but not as many or as diverse. Or he said up to an hour north of him in the town where his union hall is or between there and the farm. His farm is 45 minutes north of my work. But I find his friends to be kinda losers and I’m not interested in what they do like party and drink and smoke weed and cigarettes and socialize in unproductive ways in my opinion, maybe I’m a snob. Their gatherings are always hosted by a couple that end up fighting and screaming violently at each other at the end of the gathering. One time during a float trip I witnessed them physically fighting, hitting each other and rolling around in the dirt wrestling drunk and fighting. His friends are friendly but make bad decisions and I feel like I’m back at 20 years old with a party crowd who I would never choose for myself. My boyfriend seems to be the hype guy at the parties, like when we were on a float trip with them, and he brought out the beer bong and encouraged everyone to drink up etc. My boyfriend is a really sweet guy but I see a different and more party loving and devious side when he’s with his friends. Although his friends all call him so sweet and loyal and he is. He told me when he got a DUI and lost his license for a year and had probation, he helped his friends move anyway and drove a trailer he borrowed to help them, because he is so loyal. I thought that was way too risky.
But I’m considering just moving in with my dad for a short while since I’m broke and I’m suddenly scared to move out to him to the country (there’s pretty much no places for rent hear him anyways) away from my city with the most and best jobs for hundreds of miles. I was excited at first but as time got closer I realized that realistically it was looking risky.
Also I asked how much he could contribute to shared expenses and he said he didn’t know, a few hundred maybe, he’d have to check. I was concerned and a bit angry that he didn’t already figure out his budget or know, and he’s seemingly not committing to anything and leaving me to fill in the gaps possibly seeing what I’ll put up with doing. I’m worried I’m going to live out there, he won’t contribute much perhaps, any financial help he’d offer would probably be offset by commuting costs, plus my car is a 2004 and has like 265k miles on it.
He has told me he loves me so much and he never wants to lose me and he loves me more than anything and how wonderful I am. He stares at me while I rest. He teared up at the rose I gave him once. He’s known for being very loyal and dependable by his friends. He said he’d do anything for me. I never want it hurt him. But suddenly I feel I’ve sobered up and I’m concerned about making a big mistake living with him especially out there. I’m scared I’ll never achieve the dreams I’ve held for so long.
I would like to have a child by the time I am 35 which is only 3 years away. I would like to buy a home someday as soon as I can really but I’m a long ways off. I need a better job desperately. I’ve been doing a lot of interviewing but had no offers.
I’m worried if I’m with my boyfriend that we will be dirt poor and that I’ll feel resentful. Since hearing of the amount of his debt and putting together how he didn’t seem to prioritize paying it off or getting a good paying job until like 1 year ago (and doesn’t like it and could lose it due to smoking weed) I’m feeling frustrated. I do love him a lot and he’s a sweetheart but his bad past decisions, when I’ve put together what kind of person he’s been I question who he is. He actually had a past DUI and several arrests in college for weed or drinking or driving. His last charge was the 2016 DUI and I found out about that after over one year when his friend basically brought it up and made him tell me, though he pretended to not know what she was talking about. Also, he will still drive after drinking. He told me about how he and his old friend who sadly passed in a motorcycle accident used to go drinking and driving, getting lost for fun. So I’m worried about what could happen. I know he has totaled his truck at least four times over the 15 years he’s had it. He’s posted on Facebook over ten years ago a couple times about how he messed up his trucking drinking, saying, “despite my best drunken attempts, that truck is a tough sum b****” and “I was really drunk and shouldn’t have been driving but oh well, I enjoyed myself thoroughly.” It’s mind blowing that he posted it but even more mind blowing it’s still up, even after his DUI. He said he learned his lesson on the DUI but he still drinks after drinking some and installed a radar detector to avoid cops. Also he talked back to the cop and then got arrested, and he downplayed it and said he hoped I didn’t think of him differently. But he also claimed the cop was looking for someone to arrest etc. and didn’t seem to take responsibility even 7 years later.
I’m worried that if we move forward together that I will resent his past irresponsibility. I am not sure how much he has changed. I do not know how motivated he is, he has expressed urgency about paying off his loans. But what if he gets into an accident at work and fails a drug test. His life could be ruined by medical bills. I could make it a boundary that he not smoke weed while working this job. But his dad grows weed on their farm and his aunt gifts him edibles and his friends all smoke.
Also, his family has owned a 300 acre farm for three generations. Currently his dad farms it with help of my boyfriend and his brother (there are four children, he has two sisters). His dad said when I met them that the farm breaks even. They work it nights and weekends. I do not think it is in good shape. The property is cluttered with junk piles and broke down vehicles. The house is shoddy and falling apart and cluttered and not clean. The farm structures look worn and rusted a bit. There are beer cans in the tractors and empty liquor bottles in the kitchen. Also, the family uses the farm account for personal expenses, my boyfriend said that, “any expense we can fudge as a farm expense, we do so since we don’t get paid by the farm.” My boyfriend said that the farm is his long term plan and retirement. I don’t really fathom how he plans for that to work out. I know his aunt and grandma own a share of the farm and his dad rents it from them. But looking at how my boyfriend has managed money in the past, I do not feel he really has a plan and just thinks he’ll be able to make money on the farm even though his dad couldn’t or only brought in a little while putting in tons of hours on it. I don’t know much about farming at all, but I know it’s hard work and very expensive. They also would never sell the farm, ever.
When I asked recently, my boyfriend did say he wants kids, I told him I also wanted a house someday and he said he did too, I said I’m working on my retirement and he said the farm is his retirement, I told him my doctor said to have my first child by 35 and he said we have time.
I also don’t know that my boyfriend and I have the same values, his friends he describes as wild and such, they all seem to drink a lot or smoke weed a lot and like to party, unstable relationships, my boyfriend is known for always being down to party. He is such a gentleman around me and is very polite and quiet, but when I see pictures of him with his friends on the past partying or hear stories about him or hear of his past decisions I feel worried and like I don’t know him. I heard his friend acknowledge that they understand it took him a while to bring me around them since they’re a bit wild. And hanging out with his friends I think I’ve witnessed domestic violence, screaming, driving after drinking, heard stories of my boyfriend passing out drunk on lawns and half outside tents and such.
I have been very in love but the last month after hearing about his debt and how he said he can give me maybe a few hundred for shared expenses when we live together, worries me about what our future will look like.
I also showed him my budget app and spreadsheet and he said it’s way more than he does and that he just looks at his bank statements. He had told me that his first job taught him how to budget. He said that he didn’t make enough money for years to be able to make a dent in his loans and is proud that he’s paid off 30k in 4 or 6 years (I thought he said 6 but then he said 4) which is good, but it’s frustrating that he only has an AA to show for it and I’m not sure how committed he is to ironworking.
Also he is against cops and said he thinks they’re only out to protect property and status and that we’d be better off protecting ourselves. I was like, I am glad there is law enforcement and I wouldn’t feel safe if people didn’t have serious consequences looming over them or there wasn’t a force to call in an emergency.
Also I do get the sense that he wants me to lead and make decisions. I frequently want to discuss things with him, even simple decisions, and he seems to get irritated and says, “idk babe it’s up to You!” Or “it’s your choice,” and gets impatient like, “decisions, decisions!” I want a partner who I can talk to and work things out with, and communicate with and make decisions with. He doesn’t like making decisions. Maybe I can understand since the decisions he has made have been pretty terrible for the most part. His family is full of strong woman figures like his aunt and sisters and mom who are very assertive and domineering at times, they are great women but also don’t leave room for a man’s voice and they kinda baby him. He still goes by his childhood nickname. He seems to be very passive and doesn’t assert anything but having fun.
Also recently he drove us using my car to his family float trip and on a windy and hilly road at night he passed 3 cars in a no passing lane and lingered in the oncoming lane. I’ve also seen him weave in and out of traffic aggressively and he’s drifted around corners a couple times and claimed it was an accident though it seemed on purpose.
The best jobs are in my city but there’s also a less diverse market 50 minutes north of his farm. Besides that there not too much in his area. It’s mostly farmland and small little towns. I have always wanted to live in the country someday and raise a family there but my career isn’t ready for that yet and I’d rather live west of my city St. Louis rather than an hour north in Nowhere, IL. Also I think I’m disappointing my dad. He does seem concerned about my boyfriend although doesn’t say anything. He did say when I told him I was going to move to IL that he always chose to stay in STL because that’s were the work is, and he’s told my boyfriend multiple times there’s plenty of work here, when my boyfriend was laid off for a couple months. I know my dad is so against student loan debt and my boyfriend took out a lot. My boyfriend’s family absolutely loves him and he’s popular and well-loved. He did express once that his loans are like a boulder preventing him from anything, a house family or car, and seemed really stressed and frustrated. That was one year into our relationship.
What is the smartest thing to do, as obviously I have a pattern of making poor decisions.
Best answer: I hear you saying very clearly what you want in a relationship.
You want financial stability. He has an extremely casual attitude towards keeping his job, a ton of debt, and a habit of getting arrested and destroying vehicles.
You want to live in a place that allows you to earn to your potential. He wants you to live in the middle of nowhere, taking a pay cut while you pay most or all of the rent.
You want a partner with shared goals and dreams. He wants another strong woman to make all the hard decisions for him.
He is not the guy for you. Don't move in with him.
posted by chaiminda at 4:36 PM on September 28 [32 favorites]
You want financial stability. He has an extremely casual attitude towards keeping his job, a ton of debt, and a habit of getting arrested and destroying vehicles.
You want to live in a place that allows you to earn to your potential. He wants you to live in the middle of nowhere, taking a pay cut while you pay most or all of the rent.
You want a partner with shared goals and dreams. He wants another strong woman to make all the hard decisions for him.
He is not the guy for you. Don't move in with him.
posted by chaiminda at 4:36 PM on September 28 [32 favorites]
Best answer: There are worse things than not being in a relationship. Being in a relationship with the wrong person is one of them. This is the wrong person, in many ways.
Don't move in with him.
You want an equal partner. He wants someone who will pick up his slack. You will sacrifice your ambitions, your dreams, and your mental health for this man and it wil not make him turn into the man you want. He will hollow you out like a vampire. This is a slow, existential horror story in the making. You know how you want to scream at the protagonist who's about to wander in the dark woods where the monster lurks? That's you. The monster is your future with this man, the bait you're chasing is the future you're imagining where he changes - but he won't. It's a trap.
Break up, move on, find someone who is more aligned with you and the stage you're at in your life. I'm serious. I'm being kind of dramatic because you've written pages on pages here about what a terrible partner he would be for you but are afraid to draw the inevitable conclusion of all that: He'll be a terrible partner for you.
And he'll be a terrible father to the child you want.
posted by Kutsuwamushi at 4:50 PM on September 28 [43 favorites]
Don't move in with him.
You want an equal partner. He wants someone who will pick up his slack. You will sacrifice your ambitions, your dreams, and your mental health for this man and it wil not make him turn into the man you want. He will hollow you out like a vampire. This is a slow, existential horror story in the making. You know how you want to scream at the protagonist who's about to wander in the dark woods where the monster lurks? That's you. The monster is your future with this man, the bait you're chasing is the future you're imagining where he changes - but he won't. It's a trap.
Break up, move on, find someone who is more aligned with you and the stage you're at in your life. I'm serious. I'm being kind of dramatic because you've written pages on pages here about what a terrible partner he would be for you but are afraid to draw the inevitable conclusion of all that: He'll be a terrible partner for you.
And he'll be a terrible father to the child you want.
posted by Kutsuwamushi at 4:50 PM on September 28 [43 favorites]
>I grew up with my dad, dad was abusive and neglectful,
Is it strictly necessary to move in with anybody? I would not move in with either of these people if it can be avoided.
>I would like to have a child by the time I am 35 which is only 3 years away.
>obviously I have a pattern of making poor decisions.
Putting yourself on a timer to have a child is a great way to make a REALLY poor decision. Please do not have a child with your current boyfriend, and please don't talk yourself into having a child with whoever's at hand because your timer says it's time.
posted by Sing Or Swim at 4:53 PM on September 28 [46 favorites]
Is it strictly necessary to move in with anybody? I would not move in with either of these people if it can be avoided.
>I would like to have a child by the time I am 35 which is only 3 years away.
>obviously I have a pattern of making poor decisions.
Putting yourself on a timer to have a child is a great way to make a REALLY poor decision. Please do not have a child with your current boyfriend, and please don't talk yourself into having a child with whoever's at hand because your timer says it's time.
posted by Sing Or Swim at 4:53 PM on September 28 [46 favorites]
This isn't the guy for you. You have plenty of reasons why this isn't the guy for you. Dump him, move on.
It also doesn't sound like living with your dad would be healthy. Stay in your current place while pursuing better jobs.
posted by fluffy battle kitten at 5:03 PM on September 28 [14 favorites]
It also doesn't sound like living with your dad would be healthy. Stay in your current place while pursuing better jobs.
posted by fluffy battle kitten at 5:03 PM on September 28 [14 favorites]
Seconding the advice not to move in with either of them and not to have a kid with that man. It sounds like you're doing well on your own. $960/month for your own apartment with your cats and $53k/year salary sounds great for your early 30s.
posted by hydropsyche at 5:03 PM on September 28 [55 favorites]
posted by hydropsyche at 5:03 PM on September 28 [55 favorites]
I don't think you should move in with him or have kids with him. Don't settle for this. You can do better!
posted by limeonaire at 5:06 PM on September 28 [1 favorite]
posted by limeonaire at 5:06 PM on September 28 [1 favorite]
I'll admit I didn't finish reading everything you wrote, but you clearly don't respect this guy or his decisions. I promise you nothing will get better by moving in together entangling your life more with his - his mess, decisions, finances, friends, etc. will all have a greater presence in your life. Also, being "loyal" and "sweet" is great, but there are a lot of sweet people out there that will be better aligned with your values and life goals.
But also, you seem to have a lot of anxiety about your finances, and like hydropsyche, my reaction was "huh? $53k a year at 31 with a moderate amount of student debt - could be better sure, but better than where most of my friends were in their early 30s." If you want to save more, I'd look into splitting a 2 or 3br apartment with roommates rather than moving in with your dad, given his history of abuse.
posted by coffeecat at 5:13 PM on September 28 [27 favorites]
But also, you seem to have a lot of anxiety about your finances, and like hydropsyche, my reaction was "huh? $53k a year at 31 with a moderate amount of student debt - could be better sure, but better than where most of my friends were in their early 30s." If you want to save more, I'd look into splitting a 2 or 3br apartment with roommates rather than moving in with your dad, given his history of abuse.
posted by coffeecat at 5:13 PM on September 28 [27 favorites]
"I want a partner who I can talk to and work things out with, and communicate with and make decisions with. He doesn’t like making decisions."
This is it. There is absolutely no way to go through life with a partner who can't or won't communicate with you about important decisions that doesn't end in resentment, sadness, and wasted years.
posted by brookeb at 5:21 PM on September 28 [12 favorites]
This is it. There is absolutely no way to go through life with a partner who can't or won't communicate with you about important decisions that doesn't end in resentment, sadness, and wasted years.
posted by brookeb at 5:21 PM on September 28 [12 favorites]
You do not have to move in with your dad if you can find a roommate somewhere (in a good location for your actual life, where you can work and stuff, and having a pleasantly-neutral arms-legth roommate relationship), but absolutely should not move in with, or indeed stay with, this boyfriend.
Go live your life for yourself for a while.
posted by Lyn Never at 5:34 PM on September 28 [10 favorites]
Go live your life for yourself for a while.
posted by Lyn Never at 5:34 PM on September 28 [10 favorites]
You don't sound like you like or respect this guy (for at least some good reasons), but you also don't sound like your dad is a good idea for you to move in with. If you can either stay where you are, or look for a cheaper place with responsible grown-up roommates, either of those seems like a much better idea.
posted by Stacey at 5:41 PM on September 28 [6 favorites]
posted by Stacey at 5:41 PM on September 28 [6 favorites]
Also I do get the sense that he wants me to lead and make decisions.
I get the sense from everything you've written that he doesn't want to be an adult. He just wants to do whatever he wants to do in the moment (like smoke weed, risking his job), and have you take care of him. Oh, but be careful not to tell him not to smoke weed, or to drive more carefully or whatever, because then he gets to be mad at you for being no fun and controlling. I think you need to get away from this guy if that's not what you want for your life.
posted by ctmf at 6:18 PM on September 28 [11 favorites]
I get the sense from everything you've written that he doesn't want to be an adult. He just wants to do whatever he wants to do in the moment (like smoke weed, risking his job), and have you take care of him. Oh, but be careful not to tell him not to smoke weed, or to drive more carefully or whatever, because then he gets to be mad at you for being no fun and controlling. I think you need to get away from this guy if that's not what you want for your life.
posted by ctmf at 6:18 PM on September 28 [11 favorites]
I think you have given yourself more than enough good reasons to not move in with this guy, let alone stay in a relationship with him, but here's the thing: you need zero good reasons to do either. You have every right, for whatever reasons, to choose to not live with him, or be with him period, without a list of reasons, good or otherwise. There is nothing wrong with walking away from this relationship, and though it could be difficult emotionally in the short term, it's not clear from what you wrote whether there'd be any real lasting downside for you. Life is short. So, so short. The more time you spend with someone who's not able to give you what you want (and not able to reciprocate what you can give them), the longer it will be until your life has the space to find and be with a person who can do both those things.
Not that you need any other person at all to fill that space. You're enough.
There is a future for you, without this guy in it, and it is a good one, and Future You will be so thankful that Past You was looking out for her. Current You doesn't need any good reasons to just go ahead and do Future You a solid. She's so fucking worth it.
posted by jerome powell buys his sweatbands in bulk only at 6:25 PM on September 28 [6 favorites]
Not that you need any other person at all to fill that space. You're enough.
There is a future for you, without this guy in it, and it is a good one, and Future You will be so thankful that Past You was looking out for her. Current You doesn't need any good reasons to just go ahead and do Future You a solid. She's so fucking worth it.
posted by jerome powell buys his sweatbands in bulk only at 6:25 PM on September 28 [6 favorites]
Reading this question, part of what I noticed is that you were living check to check. I was thinking that this might play a role in hoping to move with dad or boyfriend so that you could save money.
Is there a third alternative? Could you live with a friend or acquaintance? somebody to split the bills with? There is no rule that you cannot have a roommate after age 30 especially not with current rental rates and paying off student loans.
As for the relationship, yeah I don’t think this boyfriend is the husband for you. He really hasn’t shown a lot of the attributes that you are looking for in the long run. Set him free & look for someone on the same page.
posted by dog-eared paperback at 6:39 PM on September 28 [6 favorites]
Is there a third alternative? Could you live with a friend or acquaintance? somebody to split the bills with? There is no rule that you cannot have a roommate after age 30 especially not with current rental rates and paying off student loans.
As for the relationship, yeah I don’t think this boyfriend is the husband for you. He really hasn’t shown a lot of the attributes that you are looking for in the long run. Set him free & look for someone on the same page.
posted by dog-eared paperback at 6:39 PM on September 28 [6 favorites]
I totally appreciate why many are saying don't move in with either. If I were you, I would move in with my dad with a strict time limit set (in your head). If you can save $900/mo for say 6 months, that will give you $5,400 in savings. Your dad already paid off $3.5k in cc debt. He is clearly trying to help. The caveat to this advice is when you say dad and stepmom were abusive. If that is physical abuse, DO NOT move in with them. Neglectful? Heck you've been on your own for a while now. Living with them, you almost want them to ignore you. What you need to work on if you move in with dad, is to avoid the same bad relationship habits you had when you were a teenager. It is very hard not to revert back to the same roles you had 10 years ago. I think your dad has shown good faith in having a better relationship with you now by paying off your cc debt after hearing from your mom.
The nest few years are going to take a lot of mental fortitude. There will be struggles and wins, but keep your eye on your L-T goals. Moving in with bf is counter to your L-T plans. It sounds as if you are trying to shoehorn a good decision into a baby timeframe of 35. Focus on getting your feet on solid ground. The next bf and the baby will come when the time is right. Your goal should really be to have a child and to provide a great environment for them to grow up in, not just to have the child.
Good luck.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 6:40 PM on September 28 [3 favorites]
The nest few years are going to take a lot of mental fortitude. There will be struggles and wins, but keep your eye on your L-T goals. Moving in with bf is counter to your L-T plans. It sounds as if you are trying to shoehorn a good decision into a baby timeframe of 35. Focus on getting your feet on solid ground. The next bf and the baby will come when the time is right. Your goal should really be to have a child and to provide a great environment for them to grow up in, not just to have the child.
Good luck.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 6:40 PM on September 28 [3 favorites]
p.s.
I have a pattern of making poor decisions.
as a rando on the internet I can't really say, but you sound thoughtful and have a conscience. I would wonder if telling yourself that you make poor decisions serves you well. Life is hard. Relationships are harder. Almost all of the guides that modern culture has given us for how to do the latter are massively lacking. Making bad decisions, and failing occasionally... that's how you know you're trying. At least you have the awareness that some of your decisions haven't worked out the way you hoped or thought. You know what? That's fucking AWESOME, that you even HAVE that awareness. Because sooo many of the people who make poor decisions, have zero awareness, zero idea, can't connect 2 and 2, and they keep doing the same over and over. To some extent we all do this occasionally. I suspect your boyfriend does this to the complete extent almost always. But you, perhaps not so much. That's a really good sign.
But yeah, be wary of any time and mental energy you spend telling yourself that you make poor decisions. We all do from time to time. You will. Ok then. See it, acknowledge it, write down what you want to do better next time, then move on. Don't replay the past; look forward to a better future. Again, you're fucking worth it.
posted by jerome powell buys his sweatbands in bulk only at 6:40 PM on September 28 [5 favorites]
I have a pattern of making poor decisions.
as a rando on the internet I can't really say, but you sound thoughtful and have a conscience. I would wonder if telling yourself that you make poor decisions serves you well. Life is hard. Relationships are harder. Almost all of the guides that modern culture has given us for how to do the latter are massively lacking. Making bad decisions, and failing occasionally... that's how you know you're trying. At least you have the awareness that some of your decisions haven't worked out the way you hoped or thought. You know what? That's fucking AWESOME, that you even HAVE that awareness. Because sooo many of the people who make poor decisions, have zero awareness, zero idea, can't connect 2 and 2, and they keep doing the same over and over. To some extent we all do this occasionally. I suspect your boyfriend does this to the complete extent almost always. But you, perhaps not so much. That's a really good sign.
But yeah, be wary of any time and mental energy you spend telling yourself that you make poor decisions. We all do from time to time. You will. Ok then. See it, acknowledge it, write down what you want to do better next time, then move on. Don't replay the past; look forward to a better future. Again, you're fucking worth it.
posted by jerome powell buys his sweatbands in bulk only at 6:40 PM on September 28 [5 favorites]
I wouldn't move in with either of them!
Instead, I'd take a really close look at your own budget, and figure out why you're living paycheck-to-paycheck, and see if you can make any changes that would let you feel more secure. I'm guessing that after rent you have ~$2500/month for food + transport + debt + misc, which seems like you might be able to make work if you know where all your money is going.
(FWIW, I chose to live alone rather than with my perfectly nice if a bit slovenly father when I was making less than you and paying about as much in rent. I still managed to save ~$10k/year.)
posted by Metasyntactic at 6:52 PM on September 28 [6 favorites]
Instead, I'd take a really close look at your own budget, and figure out why you're living paycheck-to-paycheck, and see if you can make any changes that would let you feel more secure. I'm guessing that after rent you have ~$2500/month for food + transport + debt + misc, which seems like you might be able to make work if you know where all your money is going.
(FWIW, I chose to live alone rather than with my perfectly nice if a bit slovenly father when I was making less than you and paying about as much in rent. I still managed to save ~$10k/year.)
posted by Metasyntactic at 6:52 PM on September 28 [6 favorites]
This got long so I admit I started skimming. my reactions though is this is a good time for a full reboot on you , away from dad if possible, away from this guy for sure. Sounds like you could afford a little place or a room alone on what you make, be independent.
posted by Iteki at 7:05 PM on September 28 [2 favorites]
posted by Iteki at 7:05 PM on September 28 [2 favorites]
As Metasyntactic said, focus on your own budget. Your rent at your salary sounds fine to me. Where is your money going? What things can you do to increase your savings so you're okay if there's an emergency?
Your boyfriend is a mess. That doesn't mean you can't maintain a relationship with him if you enjoy his company, but you can't move in with him to a location that's bad for you and you can never have a child with someone who's likely to drive drunk. So put that out of your mind and make choices that will improve YOUR life, not his.
posted by metasarah at 7:09 PM on September 28 [11 favorites]
Your boyfriend is a mess. That doesn't mean you can't maintain a relationship with him if you enjoy his company, but you can't move in with him to a location that's bad for you and you can never have a child with someone who's likely to drive drunk. So put that out of your mind and make choices that will improve YOUR life, not his.
posted by metasarah at 7:09 PM on September 28 [11 favorites]
Best answer: Please get away from this man. If you have a child by him, you will regret it. Drinks, drives crazy, parties hard, is a slob, won't take responsibility when he breaks the law, can't make life decisions, is planning on living off of you if you move in together, resents you when you try to communicate seriously--what part of this makes you think he would make a good father? Is this really the way you want to raise your child? What part of this makes you think he's a good life partner? Do you really want to live with a man that makes excuses, doesn't want to communicate, won't clean up after himself, hangs out with low-lifes and parties instead of doing family things? And another thing, I'm betting he lies to you about lots of stuff, and you just haven't caught him in anything big yet or you don't want to see it. For sure he's lying to you about his finances and how much he drinks.
If you do decide to break up with him, be prepared for him to be all up in your life and love-bombing you. You've let him get away with living his party lifestyle and you look like a pretty good meal ticket. He's not going to let go.
I think you're doing great for your age and where you're at. Right on track for moving ahead in life. I'll bet you find you have more money when you don't have the old boyfriend around. The rent isn't bad for an apartment--can you stay where you're at? If not, look into a roomie. Don't move in with your dad. Unfortunately, there's something about moving back in with a parent that sets off the parent-child dynamic, and if it was an abusive one to begin with, it's not going to be healthy if you go back. You need to maintain your independence.
Also, please let go of the deadline in which you have to have a baby by 35. Having a baby isn't the important thing. The important thing is raising a child in good way and in a good environment. Please don't put yourself in a position that you end up with a dead-end career, raising a child with a husband that can't and won't help you, where you don't have the financial means to give your child a good start in life and a way to move forward with their own life after they leave high school.
posted by BlueHorse at 8:35 PM on September 28 [13 favorites]
If you do decide to break up with him, be prepared for him to be all up in your life and love-bombing you. You've let him get away with living his party lifestyle and you look like a pretty good meal ticket. He's not going to let go.
I think you're doing great for your age and where you're at. Right on track for moving ahead in life. I'll bet you find you have more money when you don't have the old boyfriend around. The rent isn't bad for an apartment--can you stay where you're at? If not, look into a roomie. Don't move in with your dad. Unfortunately, there's something about moving back in with a parent that sets off the parent-child dynamic, and if it was an abusive one to begin with, it's not going to be healthy if you go back. You need to maintain your independence.
Also, please let go of the deadline in which you have to have a baby by 35. Having a baby isn't the important thing. The important thing is raising a child in good way and in a good environment. Please don't put yourself in a position that you end up with a dead-end career, raising a child with a husband that can't and won't help you, where you don't have the financial means to give your child a good start in life and a way to move forward with their own life after they leave high school.
posted by BlueHorse at 8:35 PM on September 28 [13 favorites]
I've observed over the years that people who put this sort of extensive thought and detail into a question have usually worked things out before they even hit "post". In this case you've written an overwhelming list of practical problems and counterbalanced it solely with "he loves me" and not really shown any examples of that.
I think the only useful feedback any of us can provide is that your question is well written and thoughtfully put together. You needn't doubt yourself.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 8:39 PM on September 28 [7 favorites]
I think the only useful feedback any of us can provide is that your question is well written and thoughtfully put together. You needn't doubt yourself.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 8:39 PM on September 28 [7 favorites]
This post is 23 paragraphs long. 22 are almost completely about your concerns. 1 is more or less about the positives.
That ratio alone—setting aside everything everyone else has said—is enough to say that you should walk away from him.
(Unless I missed it, you don’t provide enough information about your current relationship with your dad for me to really weigh in on whether that part is a good idea.)
posted by moosetracks at 8:57 PM on September 28 [3 favorites]
That ratio alone—setting aside everything everyone else has said—is enough to say that you should walk away from him.
(Unless I missed it, you don’t provide enough information about your current relationship with your dad for me to really weigh in on whether that part is a good idea.)
posted by moosetracks at 8:57 PM on September 28 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Do me a favor, look at everything you wrote and re-read every single word but imagine this was written by the child you so dearly and clearly want. That's not the life you want for a child.
You don't want them to grow up in this environment. You shouldn't at the very least, if you are the kind, caring and empathetic person you come across as. Raising a child in the environment you describe would be so detrimental and painful, in so many ways. Would you be ok if they drove drunk with a child in the car? What if you don't have money for diapers, clothes or baby food? Saving up for their future. It would all be on you and you would feel stuck and miserable. This person showed you who he was. He does NOT share your priorities and vision for your future. As I read each and every word you wrote, the anxiety, dread and fear became almost insurmountable by the end.
Please, I beg of you, DO NOT MOVE IN WITH THIS PERSON. Do not move in with your dad. Great, he helped you out financially. THAT DOES NOT MEAN YOU HAVE TO LIVE WITH HIM. Sure, you are living paycheck to paycheck and want to save more money. It seems like you have a good handle on the job market and what skills are marketable. You are interested in Project Management. All that time you spent writing this up, you could have spent looking into upgrading your skills to become more marketable. Look into a Project Management certificate. Network and hustle and try to get promoted at work or switch to a different department or role.
Maximizing salary and minimizing costs should be your sole priorities. Student loans aren't great, but try to get on an income based repayment plan or something. Go over your finances and make sure you're budgeting is ON POINT. If all I had to eat was ramen noodles and pop tarts every single day to be able to save money and ensure my independence for myself and my beloved cat, you bet your ass I would. I have and I will do it again gladly.
You have a path, you have a goal. You have a career. FOCUS ON YOURSELF. Literally stop worrying about this guy. DTMFA, break up, let go, move on. There is nothing this person brings you that you cannot give to yourself or find someone who will be a net positive rather than the soul sucking energy draining time suck and sunk cost fallacy that this situation is reminiscent of. You will not get 'a few hundred dollars'. You'll be lucky if you do for a few weeks, then it'll be late. Then you nag him, then you resent him. Do you give up and pay for everything while he parties and continues behaving the way he has/does? Then who knows the kind of person he'll be and the way he'll treat you then. So far he's been on his best behaviour and it is not stellar. I am judging a bit, but it seems like you are a golden meal ticket with a future that he can leech onto.
You were provided with the invaluable gift of hindsight being 20/20 early with the ghost of Christmas past that is his family, his friends and his behaviour. Sure, people can change and grow from the mistakes of their past. But you don't owe him or anyone anything. Sure, I might be projecting a bit and every siren and warning and alarm bell was ringing for me. I know people who still are in relationships like this with multiple children and less and less options.
STAY FOCUSED ON YOU. You have goals, reach them. You will have so much time and resources and energy when you are not enthralled by this person. Please raise your standards. You mentioned not making great choices, posting here is a good start to recalibrate what you deem acceptable to your life or not.
You have so much potential, don't give it away to someone who would squander it just like they have their own. You cannot make someone change, but you can work on change for yourself. You can do this if you set your mind to it. Single-minded focus and remember, you can rely on yourself. You're doing just fine. Believe in yourself. You are enough.
posted by VyanSelei at 10:39 PM on September 28 [17 favorites]
You don't want them to grow up in this environment. You shouldn't at the very least, if you are the kind, caring and empathetic person you come across as. Raising a child in the environment you describe would be so detrimental and painful, in so many ways. Would you be ok if they drove drunk with a child in the car? What if you don't have money for diapers, clothes or baby food? Saving up for their future. It would all be on you and you would feel stuck and miserable. This person showed you who he was. He does NOT share your priorities and vision for your future. As I read each and every word you wrote, the anxiety, dread and fear became almost insurmountable by the end.
Please, I beg of you, DO NOT MOVE IN WITH THIS PERSON. Do not move in with your dad. Great, he helped you out financially. THAT DOES NOT MEAN YOU HAVE TO LIVE WITH HIM. Sure, you are living paycheck to paycheck and want to save more money. It seems like you have a good handle on the job market and what skills are marketable. You are interested in Project Management. All that time you spent writing this up, you could have spent looking into upgrading your skills to become more marketable. Look into a Project Management certificate. Network and hustle and try to get promoted at work or switch to a different department or role.
Maximizing salary and minimizing costs should be your sole priorities. Student loans aren't great, but try to get on an income based repayment plan or something. Go over your finances and make sure you're budgeting is ON POINT. If all I had to eat was ramen noodles and pop tarts every single day to be able to save money and ensure my independence for myself and my beloved cat, you bet your ass I would. I have and I will do it again gladly.
You have a path, you have a goal. You have a career. FOCUS ON YOURSELF. Literally stop worrying about this guy. DTMFA, break up, let go, move on. There is nothing this person brings you that you cannot give to yourself or find someone who will be a net positive rather than the soul sucking energy draining time suck and sunk cost fallacy that this situation is reminiscent of. You will not get 'a few hundred dollars'. You'll be lucky if you do for a few weeks, then it'll be late. Then you nag him, then you resent him. Do you give up and pay for everything while he parties and continues behaving the way he has/does? Then who knows the kind of person he'll be and the way he'll treat you then. So far he's been on his best behaviour and it is not stellar. I am judging a bit, but it seems like you are a golden meal ticket with a future that he can leech onto.
You were provided with the invaluable gift of hindsight being 20/20 early with the ghost of Christmas past that is his family, his friends and his behaviour. Sure, people can change and grow from the mistakes of their past. But you don't owe him or anyone anything. Sure, I might be projecting a bit and every siren and warning and alarm bell was ringing for me. I know people who still are in relationships like this with multiple children and less and less options.
STAY FOCUSED ON YOU. You have goals, reach them. You will have so much time and resources and energy when you are not enthralled by this person. Please raise your standards. You mentioned not making great choices, posting here is a good start to recalibrate what you deem acceptable to your life or not.
You have so much potential, don't give it away to someone who would squander it just like they have their own. You cannot make someone change, but you can work on change for yourself. You can do this if you set your mind to it. Single-minded focus and remember, you can rely on yourself. You're doing just fine. Believe in yourself. You are enough.
posted by VyanSelei at 10:39 PM on September 28 [17 favorites]
Response by poster: My dad is 66 years old, stepmom 51, so I think my dad has calmed down a lot and has a lot of regrets about how he treated me occasionally abusively growing up. There was a couple instances when I was a kid oh physical abuse, him one hitting me in face by slamming a cup I was drinking out of into my face, another time throwing a remote at my back, emotionally and verbally he would get angry and call us “retarded” (I know that’s a horrible word :( ). But he said when I was like 21 that he had regrets and also that I didn’t really have a family or something, weird of him to say. But he’s typically always checking in on me and will help with my car here and there and he moved me last time I moved, but he is getting too old for all that. I think he is happy to help and he said I am his daughter and I do not even need to say thank you. So I feel like it could be a healing thing maybe to spend some time with him, but also I could always stay even one month and then go somewhere else, currently I have $0 til my next check so don’t even have money to rent a different apartment with a deposit. I could cut way down on fast food which is currently by budget buster, stopping by drive thru for breakfast or dinner which is stupid.
Also my boyfriend is supposed to inherit the family farm, his running it with maybe his brother, maybe his sisters owning shares, and I think he thinks it will be his future and financial provision, while I’ve been told it breaks even. Plus it will be split between 4 kids. Also takes a lot of money to upkeep, buy parts for the tractors, fuel, machinery, pesticides, fertilizer, seeds, etc. Plus all the work that goes into it, and my boyfriend has a very physically demanding job as it it, but with the farm he would need to run it nights and weekends at times. He is so tired after work and doesn’t do anything. Idk. I do not see it working out long term though he is a sweet guy. But I have come across things he has kept from me, not sure if reasonable or not. And one time he removed our relationship from his public Facebook to friends only, even though almost everything else even incriminating stuff is public. I asked him about it and he was caught off guard and said he didn’t want anyone stealing his info or pics which made no sense since his whole work city education and social history was on display. Idk. He is sweet and I love cuddling with him and we have fun together. But the future with him looks bleak to me, I would have to give up my dreams and desires for sure. Also he doesn’t party as much anymore, but I sense it’s more because his friends have mostly all families and kids and wives, or relationships and moved away from the middle of nowhere some of them, so he seems resigned a bit about “growing up”. With regard to moving in, he said “I gotta grow up sometime…”
posted by anon1129 at 10:39 PM on September 28
Also my boyfriend is supposed to inherit the family farm, his running it with maybe his brother, maybe his sisters owning shares, and I think he thinks it will be his future and financial provision, while I’ve been told it breaks even. Plus it will be split between 4 kids. Also takes a lot of money to upkeep, buy parts for the tractors, fuel, machinery, pesticides, fertilizer, seeds, etc. Plus all the work that goes into it, and my boyfriend has a very physically demanding job as it it, but with the farm he would need to run it nights and weekends at times. He is so tired after work and doesn’t do anything. Idk. I do not see it working out long term though he is a sweet guy. But I have come across things he has kept from me, not sure if reasonable or not. And one time he removed our relationship from his public Facebook to friends only, even though almost everything else even incriminating stuff is public. I asked him about it and he was caught off guard and said he didn’t want anyone stealing his info or pics which made no sense since his whole work city education and social history was on display. Idk. He is sweet and I love cuddling with him and we have fun together. But the future with him looks bleak to me, I would have to give up my dreams and desires for sure. Also he doesn’t party as much anymore, but I sense it’s more because his friends have mostly all families and kids and wives, or relationships and moved away from the middle of nowhere some of them, so he seems resigned a bit about “growing up”. With regard to moving in, he said “I gotta grow up sometime…”
posted by anon1129 at 10:39 PM on September 28
To answer your question, 'Should I move in with my dad and break up with my boyfriend, or no?'
No, don't move in with your dad. Yes, break up with your boyfriend.
Also, usually pie in the sky thinking and future talk is to string you along so you become enamored in a daydream that never materializes and you wake up 20-30-40 who knows how many years later, look around and realize you never did live your life for yourself, but for someone else. Don't let someone sell you a pipe dream. You are spending way too much time and focus on his life to be almost warped to revolving around him and his priorities. Where are you in any of this?
Sweet and cuddles and fun are not worth financial instability and your mental, emotional and physical well-being. What if he drives drunk and kills someone or himself? He is reckless and irresponsible and I am saddened that you might think this is okay. He hides things from you and lies to you. Is this really what you want to give up your dreams and desires for? Why?
posted by VyanSelei at 10:50 PM on September 28 [6 favorites]
No, don't move in with your dad. Yes, break up with your boyfriend.
Also, usually pie in the sky thinking and future talk is to string you along so you become enamored in a daydream that never materializes and you wake up 20-30-40 who knows how many years later, look around and realize you never did live your life for yourself, but for someone else. Don't let someone sell you a pipe dream. You are spending way too much time and focus on his life to be almost warped to revolving around him and his priorities. Where are you in any of this?
Sweet and cuddles and fun are not worth financial instability and your mental, emotional and physical well-being. What if he drives drunk and kills someone or himself? He is reckless and irresponsible and I am saddened that you might think this is okay. He hides things from you and lies to you. Is this really what you want to give up your dreams and desires for? Why?
posted by VyanSelei at 10:50 PM on September 28 [6 favorites]
I don't think this guy is a bad guy—I certainly know people who got DUIs 10 years ago who have cleaned up their act, and he's working on the loans, etc—but you don't sound right now like you'd enjoy combining your life with his. That is, I don't know what your friends and your parties are like, but it definitely sounds like you don't like his friends and his parties, and that's a big potential source of resentment for both of you.
Likewise the no-decision-making stuff, the almost aggressively non-thoughtful family farm stuff, etc.—there is absolutely some appeal to some people in living that way, but it doesn't sound like it appeals to you. (To be clear, his friends and his retirement plan do not appeal to me either, so I'm not judging you for this; I'm just trying to give you my read strictly in terms of your agency to make a choice for or against the relationship.)
I think it's totally reasonable to consider moving forward with him... like, it really does become harder to get married and have kids the longer you wait, and he does have some positive qualities, and you two do care for each other. But I definitely can imagine based on your posts the not-certain-but-possible outcome where you both are annoyed with each other all the time.
To me whether this is viable or not comes down to two things:
1. I think you need certainty, both in terms of a promise from him and an honest assessment from yourself of the value of that promise, that he'll cut back on the drinking and smoking insofar as it's a problem for him now. The job thing, too, you need to have some serious conversations about whether it is plausible that he could get fired by doing this stuff.
2. The thing we can't really know here from your post but that is unbelievably important is just how you guys communicate when you talk about this stuff. Like if this is a thing where he feels like you're kind of nagging him and you feel like he's evasive and neither of you feels like anything ever changes I would pull the ripcord immediately, but if you can actually have earnest conversations with each other and something happens afterward maybe it can work.
Re: moving in with your dad, based on what you've said I think I would try it and just have a hair-trigger on moving out if it becomes an issue. Good opportunity to save money, good opportunity to build up a relationship that could be a consolation to you and him now and in the future, and if it goes bad you're an adult so you can just get out of there.
posted by Polycarp at 11:33 PM on September 28 [2 favorites]
Likewise the no-decision-making stuff, the almost aggressively non-thoughtful family farm stuff, etc.—there is absolutely some appeal to some people in living that way, but it doesn't sound like it appeals to you. (To be clear, his friends and his retirement plan do not appeal to me either, so I'm not judging you for this; I'm just trying to give you my read strictly in terms of your agency to make a choice for or against the relationship.)
I think it's totally reasonable to consider moving forward with him... like, it really does become harder to get married and have kids the longer you wait, and he does have some positive qualities, and you two do care for each other. But I definitely can imagine based on your posts the not-certain-but-possible outcome where you both are annoyed with each other all the time.
To me whether this is viable or not comes down to two things:
1. I think you need certainty, both in terms of a promise from him and an honest assessment from yourself of the value of that promise, that he'll cut back on the drinking and smoking insofar as it's a problem for him now. The job thing, too, you need to have some serious conversations about whether it is plausible that he could get fired by doing this stuff.
2. The thing we can't really know here from your post but that is unbelievably important is just how you guys communicate when you talk about this stuff. Like if this is a thing where he feels like you're kind of nagging him and you feel like he's evasive and neither of you feels like anything ever changes I would pull the ripcord immediately, but if you can actually have earnest conversations with each other and something happens afterward maybe it can work.
Re: moving in with your dad, based on what you've said I think I would try it and just have a hair-trigger on moving out if it becomes an issue. Good opportunity to save money, good opportunity to build up a relationship that could be a consolation to you and him now and in the future, and if it goes bad you're an adult so you can just get out of there.
posted by Polycarp at 11:33 PM on September 28 [2 favorites]
Best answer: ‘With regard to moving in, he said “I gotta grow up sometime…”’
Imagine you did move in with him and now it’s 2028. You are living in a rural area with no support network and a not brilliant job. You’re still in debt. You have a toddler and a newborn. You’re juggling everything trying to keep everyone afloat.
Do you imagine your bf in this scenario to be working as hard as he can to bring in money while also doing his fair share of parenting? Keeping the house clean and tidy? Doing baby laundry? Taking babies to appointments? Taking them alone sometimes so you can do your own things? Cooking?
Or can you imagine him promising he’ll do all that while still smoking weed and risking his job. Still havering over his career. Feeling forced into making adult decisions and then blaming you for feeling trapped. Bailing on you to prioritise the family farm, or his friends to whom he is “so loyal”. Would you end up feeling like you’re nagging him for the bare minimum while he resents you for forcing him to behave like an adult? Would he truly appreciate what you’ve brought into his life or would he leech from you while simultaneously resenting you?
“I gotta grow up sometime…” is not the statement of a man who seems likely to behave like the first scenario. It is the statement of a man who wants to keep partying and behaving however he wants, but knows he has to say the right things in order to keep this amazing woman in his life. Once he’s got you firmly, with kids, he won’t need to say those things anymore. He’ll just get to do what he wants again, and ruin your life with resentment and unkept promises and risky behaviour.
Please don’t give your kids a dad like that.
posted by Balthamos at 11:42 PM on September 28 [17 favorites]
Imagine you did move in with him and now it’s 2028. You are living in a rural area with no support network and a not brilliant job. You’re still in debt. You have a toddler and a newborn. You’re juggling everything trying to keep everyone afloat.
Do you imagine your bf in this scenario to be working as hard as he can to bring in money while also doing his fair share of parenting? Keeping the house clean and tidy? Doing baby laundry? Taking babies to appointments? Taking them alone sometimes so you can do your own things? Cooking?
Or can you imagine him promising he’ll do all that while still smoking weed and risking his job. Still havering over his career. Feeling forced into making adult decisions and then blaming you for feeling trapped. Bailing on you to prioritise the family farm, or his friends to whom he is “so loyal”. Would you end up feeling like you’re nagging him for the bare minimum while he resents you for forcing him to behave like an adult? Would he truly appreciate what you’ve brought into his life or would he leech from you while simultaneously resenting you?
“I gotta grow up sometime…” is not the statement of a man who seems likely to behave like the first scenario. It is the statement of a man who wants to keep partying and behaving however he wants, but knows he has to say the right things in order to keep this amazing woman in his life. Once he’s got you firmly, with kids, he won’t need to say those things anymore. He’ll just get to do what he wants again, and ruin your life with resentment and unkept promises and risky behaviour.
Please don’t give your kids a dad like that.
posted by Balthamos at 11:42 PM on September 28 [17 favorites]
Just because you love somebody, doesn’t mean that they are healthy for you or a good long-term partner. Think hard on that.
posted by primavera_f at 11:56 PM on September 28 [3 favorites]
posted by primavera_f at 11:56 PM on September 28 [3 favorites]
Break up with the boyfriend for all the reasons that other commenters have already addressed.
Don't move in with dad either because of this: "dad was abusive and neglectful"
Go back to the drawing board and come up with another plan that doesn't involve either of them.
posted by Jacqueline at 12:42 AM on September 29 [5 favorites]
Don't move in with dad either because of this: "dad was abusive and neglectful"
Go back to the drawing board and come up with another plan that doesn't involve either of them.
posted by Jacqueline at 12:42 AM on September 29 [5 favorites]
You have clear plans for your future. Focus on achieving those.
BF appears to have some redeeming qualities but there are also many aspects that appear incompatible with where you see yourself in 5-10 years.
So while you could move forward with him many things you write suggest that it would be easier to achieve your goals without him.
posted by koahiatamadl at 1:24 AM on September 29
BF appears to have some redeeming qualities but there are also many aspects that appear incompatible with where you see yourself in 5-10 years.
So while you could move forward with him many things you write suggest that it would be easier to achieve your goals without him.
posted by koahiatamadl at 1:24 AM on September 29
When it’s good with a partner, I don’t think there’s this much second guessing. What you’ve described goes beyond cold feet — you’ve articulated a lot of reasons to be skeptical of this plan, values differences between you and this person that seem likely to leave you both frustrated and unhappy. I do not think you should entangle yourself with him further.
posted by eirias at 2:15 AM on September 29 [1 favorite]
posted by eirias at 2:15 AM on September 29 [1 favorite]
Also my boyfriend is supposed to inherit the family farm, his running it with maybe his brother, maybe his sisters owning shares, and I think he thinks it will be his future and financial provision, while I’ve been told it breaks even.
Even if that it true it won't make any difference when he kills himself and maybe someone else drunk driving.
You know you shouldn't be with this person. You don't even sound very in love. Being alone would be much better than this relationship (was gonna say partnership but he is no partner and CANNOT be, to you. And definitely not to a kid. Break the cycle of abuse and leave him.)
posted by tiny frying pan at 6:11 AM on September 29 [2 favorites]
Even if that it true it won't make any difference when he kills himself and maybe someone else drunk driving.
You know you shouldn't be with this person. You don't even sound very in love. Being alone would be much better than this relationship (was gonna say partnership but he is no partner and CANNOT be, to you. And definitely not to a kid. Break the cycle of abuse and leave him.)
posted by tiny frying pan at 6:11 AM on September 29 [2 favorites]
I can't figure out why you are in such debt. You make $53,000 per year, which means your take-home pay is probably about $3,500 per month. Your rent is $960. I don't know what the interest rate on your student loan is, but, for example, if you borrowed $20,000 in student loans with an interest rate of 5%, your monthly payment on a standard 10-year term would be $200. I can't figure out why you are broke. Where else is your money going?
This guy is a bad investment financially, emotionally and physical-safety-wise. Leave him.
Moving in with your dad is a bad investment emotionally. Don't do it.
Study up on budgeting, financial planning, and living within your means.
Good luck. You can do it! You've got this!
posted by SageTrail at 7:11 AM on September 29 [7 favorites]
This guy is a bad investment financially, emotionally and physical-safety-wise. Leave him.
Moving in with your dad is a bad investment emotionally. Don't do it.
Study up on budgeting, financial planning, and living within your means.
Good luck. You can do it! You've got this!
posted by SageTrail at 7:11 AM on September 29 [7 favorites]
I echo the comments above. Also I can see into the future: you move in together. He 100% will lose his job due to random drug test, missing shifts bc of drinking, who knows. He sits around (does he game? Does he go online a lot?) doing those things or bingeing tv or just drinking beer. His brother's comment told you he abuses alcohol. Maybe you have to somehow get 2 jobs. The house is a mess, he does not contribute by shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry etc. You are resentful and depressed. He won't leave.
posted by bookworm4125 at 7:34 AM on September 29 [1 favorite]
posted by bookworm4125 at 7:34 AM on September 29 [1 favorite]
Also look at the website budgetbyes. So many delicious recipes, and she breaks each one down by price. Several are fast, too. Also on tik tok I like dollar tree dinners. Maybe have fast food 1x week as a treat. And drink tap water if you can.
posted by bookworm4125 at 7:36 AM on September 29 [2 favorites]
posted by bookworm4125 at 7:36 AM on September 29 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I agree with SageTrail. This economy sucks, but as a single female with a good job and no rent, you should have plenty of money for savings. I'm thinking if you dump the boyfriend and focus on not eating fast food, you could save a bundle in just six weeks.
Your additional comment makes me sad. Your father was horribly abusive and you're minimizing it. Moving in with your father is absolutely a Bad Idea: ...I could always stay even one month and then go somewhere else, currently I have $0 til my next check so don’t even have money to rent a different apartment with a deposit.
So basically, you have no money for a deposit to move out of your current good, safe apartment, but you're going to move into what could be a potential abusive situation with no way to move out if things go bad? At this point, if you think you're going to be saving money living with him, you're kidding yourself. You'll be trapped with no way to out.
You highlighted VyanSelei's magnificently worded answer that succinctly reiterates everything that the rest of us are trying to tell you, but then you immediately went on to argue how what a great guy Mr. Drinks and Drives is, even though you agree that you have come across things he has kept from you--so basically lying. Again, I think he's a lying liar who lies and is going to continue to lie. I'm betting that if you could only gain some distance, you would realize how deceptive and manipulative (and expensive) he really is.
As for what opportunities he has to inherit the farm, I wouldn't take that to the bank. That may never happen. Never, ever, bet on an inheritance. You don't know what that situation is. That farm could be so deep in debt to the bank that the whole thing will be gone tomorrow. As far as him working hard as a farmer, if he's not willing to work hard enough to get a degree and then to maximize his current potential for earning, as well as being able to do the minimum effort to support himself like an adult and keep himself and his surroundings clean, that's not going to happen. He doesn't want to work hard, and he never will.
I think you know both that this guy is bad, bad news, and that moving in with your dad isn't a good idea. Your dad may love you and regret what he's done, but that doesn't mean his behavior when you're under his roof won't revert to being abusive. See if you can try to strengthen your relationship with him by relating to him as one adult to another. Talk and meet with him but stand on your own two feet and don't put yourself in a position to be re-abused.
I think you are yearning to be loved so badly that you're willing to put yourself in positions of harm in these relationships. If I could, I'd give you a hug. You're strong, girl, and you deserve more. Please place yourself in a position to find the good relationship that you deserve.
posted by BlueHorse at 8:22 AM on September 29 [7 favorites]
Your additional comment makes me sad. Your father was horribly abusive and you're minimizing it. Moving in with your father is absolutely a Bad Idea: ...I could always stay even one month and then go somewhere else, currently I have $0 til my next check so don’t even have money to rent a different apartment with a deposit.
So basically, you have no money for a deposit to move out of your current good, safe apartment, but you're going to move into what could be a potential abusive situation with no way to move out if things go bad? At this point, if you think you're going to be saving money living with him, you're kidding yourself. You'll be trapped with no way to out.
You highlighted VyanSelei's magnificently worded answer that succinctly reiterates everything that the rest of us are trying to tell you, but then you immediately went on to argue how what a great guy Mr. Drinks and Drives is, even though you agree that you have come across things he has kept from you--so basically lying. Again, I think he's a lying liar who lies and is going to continue to lie. I'm betting that if you could only gain some distance, you would realize how deceptive and manipulative (and expensive) he really is.
As for what opportunities he has to inherit the farm, I wouldn't take that to the bank. That may never happen. Never, ever, bet on an inheritance. You don't know what that situation is. That farm could be so deep in debt to the bank that the whole thing will be gone tomorrow. As far as him working hard as a farmer, if he's not willing to work hard enough to get a degree and then to maximize his current potential for earning, as well as being able to do the minimum effort to support himself like an adult and keep himself and his surroundings clean, that's not going to happen. He doesn't want to work hard, and he never will.
I think you know both that this guy is bad, bad news, and that moving in with your dad isn't a good idea. Your dad may love you and regret what he's done, but that doesn't mean his behavior when you're under his roof won't revert to being abusive. See if you can try to strengthen your relationship with him by relating to him as one adult to another. Talk and meet with him but stand on your own two feet and don't put yourself in a position to be re-abused.
I think you are yearning to be loved so badly that you're willing to put yourself in positions of harm in these relationships. If I could, I'd give you a hug. You're strong, girl, and you deserve more. Please place yourself in a position to find the good relationship that you deserve.
posted by BlueHorse at 8:22 AM on September 29 [7 favorites]
Don't move in with him, and don't move ni with your dad, either. Get yourself a roommate and work on that career change. This guy is dead-ends-ville. Your happiness does not lie in that direction.
posted by Miko at 8:37 AM on September 29 [1 favorite]
posted by Miko at 8:37 AM on September 29 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Just a few more details to add, I make $750-$800 weekly, so usually $3k is a safe bet a month. I do track all my spending and sometimes I get a shopping itch and will go to the thrift store or target and buy home decor items, or marketplace finds but I’ve stopped that. And I spend way too much eating out, this month ashamedly it was $500. I need to cut that out, I know how to do it but just haven’t been sticking to it. I was trying to follow Dave Ramsey’s plan. So save $1k and then pay off my debt, then save for emergencies. Studio apartments in my area could be low as $700. I’m a bit tired of my apartment and miss living next to a certain nice park for walks, and my apt is on a third floor so I’d like to be on a first floor, groceries and laundry are difficult
My boyfriend hid some things about himself, in the beginning on first date he seemed to not want to tell me he lived with his parents, but I directly asked if he did. And then he let me think he finished school until our second date. The DUI came up over a year later when his friend brought it up. He didn’t tell me about al the times he hung out with his friends or went floating he said cause he didn’t want me to feel left out, but when around his friends I found out they went floating and to fairs and stuff, but we weren’t official then. Just little things that may be understand, idk.
posted by anon1129 at 8:41 AM on September 29
My boyfriend hid some things about himself, in the beginning on first date he seemed to not want to tell me he lived with his parents, but I directly asked if he did. And then he let me think he finished school until our second date. The DUI came up over a year later when his friend brought it up. He didn’t tell me about al the times he hung out with his friends or went floating he said cause he didn’t want me to feel left out, but when around his friends I found out they went floating and to fairs and stuff, but we weren’t official then. Just little things that may be understand, idk.
posted by anon1129 at 8:41 AM on September 29
Best answer: I think you know you are getting ready to shackle yourself to a drama nightmare with zero reciprocal abilities, and are looking for someone else to break up/break off for you. That is not going to happen.
Focus on the fact that you deserve a future, do the ‘detach with love’ option, and change your phone number and put 100% of your energy on your own survival.
There is zero chance you, personally, get any security from that farm. No one knows how it is structured - the only way you get official standing is when that bunch understands the IRS is coming. There could be a reverse mortgage on it now, who is going to tell you?
Tell everyone ‘its not you, its me’ if that works for you. Your job is not to sell the other party and convince them you should break up. Move in with roommates without sharing the location, deliver the message, never contact again.
Just from the length of your letter, each contact is going to cost you a week of your life. Treat it like the emergency that it is.
posted by drowsy at 9:00 AM on September 29 [7 favorites]
Focus on the fact that you deserve a future, do the ‘detach with love’ option, and change your phone number and put 100% of your energy on your own survival.
There is zero chance you, personally, get any security from that farm. No one knows how it is structured - the only way you get official standing is when that bunch understands the IRS is coming. There could be a reverse mortgage on it now, who is going to tell you?
Tell everyone ‘its not you, its me’ if that works for you. Your job is not to sell the other party and convince them you should break up. Move in with roommates without sharing the location, deliver the message, never contact again.
Just from the length of your letter, each contact is going to cost you a week of your life. Treat it like the emergency that it is.
posted by drowsy at 9:00 AM on September 29 [7 favorites]
Response by poster: Also one more thing to add. My boyfriend seemed hesitant to let me know that they are using their farm account for personal expenses like car parts and vet bills and used cars and dinner, but he recently said that since they don’t get paid by the farm that any expense they can fudge as a farm expense they do that, so I’m also concerned about that too, as it seems risky and idk if it’s right. I more so think the farm is a money pit and liability possibly, but my boyfriend seemed to be banking the future on it, I don’t know anything though. Its worth a lot land wise but they’d never sell.
posted by anon1129 at 9:55 AM on September 29
posted by anon1129 at 9:55 AM on September 29
using their farm account for personal expenses like car parts and vet bills and used cars and dinner, but he recently said that since they don’t get paid by the farm that any expense they can fudge as a farm expense they do that
So I’m guessing you can add tax fraud to the list of things that you are going to be financially linked to.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 10:34 AM on September 29 [8 favorites]
So I’m guessing you can add tax fraud to the list of things that you are going to be financially linked to.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 10:34 AM on September 29 [8 favorites]
You might deal with changing a lot of things at once by changing them all together in service of your excellent goals, financial safety and parenthood. A year of quiet evenings cooking some budgetbytes meals and studying project management, data analysis, bookkeeping, accounting, local industry basics can put you in an enormously different place. And one of the few advantages of aging is that a year isn’t as long as it used to be.
I’d think of moving towards jobs, school??, walking, lower rent, and keeping a weekly schedule of visiting your dad. But that depends on how you balance your goals.
Remember that physical vigor makes pregnancy and parenting less hard. Eat like forty year old you will feel good, not the way twenty year old you got away with.
posted by clew at 10:56 AM on September 29
I’d think of moving towards jobs, school??, walking, lower rent, and keeping a weekly schedule of visiting your dad. But that depends on how you balance your goals.
Remember that physical vigor makes pregnancy and parenting less hard. Eat like forty year old you will feel good, not the way twenty year old you got away with.
posted by clew at 10:56 AM on September 29
On the farm: I work in ag, and small family farms are absolutely a money pit and work more as a retirement hobby than a source of financial security. I know several people who like farming and still won’t take on the family farm. In some cases the parent won’t let them because it’s so risky and hard to make it work financially.
I’m not concerned that there’s junky vehicles around and things look worn. I’m quite concerned that the house is a drunken bachelor pigsty and they’re not keeping honest books. Are they driving tractors and spraying pesticides drunk? If there’s money to buy meals on the business account, why aren’t they just paying themselves from it? There are a lot of ways this can go badly wrong.
posted by momus_window at 11:18 AM on September 29 [6 favorites]
I’m not concerned that there’s junky vehicles around and things look worn. I’m quite concerned that the house is a drunken bachelor pigsty and they’re not keeping honest books. Are they driving tractors and spraying pesticides drunk? If there’s money to buy meals on the business account, why aren’t they just paying themselves from it? There are a lot of ways this can go badly wrong.
posted by momus_window at 11:18 AM on September 29 [6 favorites]
Oh gosh, please don't move in with this guy. "I have to grow up sometime" is code for "You will do all the domestic work for both of us while holding down a full-time job and I will paint you as a total buzzkill to all my friends while reaping the benefits of living in a clean house and eating actual meals".
I'm with everyone who's recommending breaking up, too.
Moving in with your dad could create a whole new set of problems. How about trying a month or two of strict budgeting and seeing what happens? It sounds as if your housing situation is not an immediate crisis, so you can keep your eyes open for other possible arrangements (roommates, a cheaper place) while maintaining the status quo.
posted by inexorably_forward at 2:13 PM on September 29 [3 favorites]
I'm with everyone who's recommending breaking up, too.
Moving in with your dad could create a whole new set of problems. How about trying a month or two of strict budgeting and seeing what happens? It sounds as if your housing situation is not an immediate crisis, so you can keep your eyes open for other possible arrangements (roommates, a cheaper place) while maintaining the status quo.
posted by inexorably_forward at 2:13 PM on September 29 [3 favorites]
Echoing everyone else in this thread that you should NOT move in with your boyfriend and you should NOT move in with your dad. You sound smart and conscientious, and you can absolutely find a path forward that doesn't involve either of these people.
I did raise my eyebrows at spending $500 a month on eating out. (I'm glad you realize that's a lot!) Can you drop it to $100 a month, and split the remaining $400 between student loan payments (to help you pay it off faster!) or savings?
You need to take all the energy you're putting into your boyfriend and put it towards YOURSELF. Finding a better paying job, maybe finding an apartment you like better, paying down your debt, saving for the future, and perhaps meeting a man who is a much, much better match for you. I'm genuinely excited for the future you may get to have if you can make a break from the boyfriend and prioritize yourself.
posted by leftover_scrabble_rack at 4:10 PM on September 29 [4 favorites]
I did raise my eyebrows at spending $500 a month on eating out. (I'm glad you realize that's a lot!) Can you drop it to $100 a month, and split the remaining $400 between student loan payments (to help you pay it off faster!) or savings?
You need to take all the energy you're putting into your boyfriend and put it towards YOURSELF. Finding a better paying job, maybe finding an apartment you like better, paying down your debt, saving for the future, and perhaps meeting a man who is a much, much better match for you. I'm genuinely excited for the future you may get to have if you can make a break from the boyfriend and prioritize yourself.
posted by leftover_scrabble_rack at 4:10 PM on September 29 [4 favorites]
I remember you from a couple years ago when you wrote about your ex-fiance. The details are different, but he and the current bf are cut from the same cloth. Both are sweet, cute, charming and don't have their shit together in their lives and have substance abuse issues.
You, on the other hand, are working hard to have a better life for yourself. So you need to find someone who is aligned with that and the moment someone you're dating shows a red flag - drinking and driving, no financial responsibility, too much weed use, acting like they're 20 etc move on and don't look back. This means you have to vet really hard at the beginning and there's still a risk that a red flag could slip by you.
Dating is a weeding out process, not going with the first cute guy who is nice to you on the first date. You have to evaluate everything - what do they want in life? What are their goals? Do they want the same things you do? Are they financially responsible? Do they abuse substances? What are their friends like? Does he treat you well and cares about your inner life and ask you questions?
And honestly, it is really hard to find a good guy these days. Guys like your bf and ex-fiance are a dime a dozen and similarly, there are so many women like you who are working on bettering themselves and their lives and a lot of guys just aren't doing the same thing. So don't blame yourself if you don't find a good guy. And I know you want to find one because you want a kid. It really is a modern day dilemma unfortunately.
I watched these two videos recently, maybe they'll give some food for thought in terms changing your approach to dating and finding the right person:
https://youtu.be/lGRnaWySoUw?si=g5l18N8P0tWZk26B
https://youtu.be/pVi2vhrMDUc?si=bWzrQzFWhJtdduGC
posted by foxjacket at 4:55 PM on September 29 [3 favorites]
You, on the other hand, are working hard to have a better life for yourself. So you need to find someone who is aligned with that and the moment someone you're dating shows a red flag - drinking and driving, no financial responsibility, too much weed use, acting like they're 20 etc move on and don't look back. This means you have to vet really hard at the beginning and there's still a risk that a red flag could slip by you.
Dating is a weeding out process, not going with the first cute guy who is nice to you on the first date. You have to evaluate everything - what do they want in life? What are their goals? Do they want the same things you do? Are they financially responsible? Do they abuse substances? What are their friends like? Does he treat you well and cares about your inner life and ask you questions?
And honestly, it is really hard to find a good guy these days. Guys like your bf and ex-fiance are a dime a dozen and similarly, there are so many women like you who are working on bettering themselves and their lives and a lot of guys just aren't doing the same thing. So don't blame yourself if you don't find a good guy. And I know you want to find one because you want a kid. It really is a modern day dilemma unfortunately.
I watched these two videos recently, maybe they'll give some food for thought in terms changing your approach to dating and finding the right person:
https://youtu.be/lGRnaWySoUw?si=g5l18N8P0tWZk26B
https://youtu.be/pVi2vhrMDUc?si=bWzrQzFWhJtdduGC
posted by foxjacket at 4:55 PM on September 29 [3 favorites]
I want to comment on your own economic situation, which seems to be the thing that is making you consider moving in with your dad. Yesterday you had $400 to your name. Today you have $0 till your next paycheck. What happened to the $400?
Using SageTrail's estimate of your student loan payment, you're bringing in $1,840/month after rent and student loan payments, and spending every penny of it. Why do you think that moving to a $260-cheaper-a-month studio apartment would change that? Heck, why do you think that moving to a $960-cheaper-a-month live-with-your-dad situation would change that, especially considering that the likely stress of living with previously-abusive people is probably going to make you want to spend more for your own psychological comfort, thereby trapping you permanently with no place of your own and no money for a deposit? (Which also makes me wonder how you're planning to move in with your boyfriend in one month when you have no money for a deposit and he's said he can contribute maybe a few hundred dollars a month?)
Getting your own spending under control has to be your first priority here. It will give you a lot more options. At this stage it sounds like you can't actually move to a new place, and your only option (other than giving up your independence to previously-abusive people, possibly long-term) is to renew your existing lease for another year. That will give you a year's breathing room to restructure your spending habits and get yourself into a position where you actually have options.
posted by heatherlogan at 6:23 PM on September 29 [4 favorites]
Using SageTrail's estimate of your student loan payment, you're bringing in $1,840/month after rent and student loan payments, and spending every penny of it. Why do you think that moving to a $260-cheaper-a-month studio apartment would change that? Heck, why do you think that moving to a $960-cheaper-a-month live-with-your-dad situation would change that, especially considering that the likely stress of living with previously-abusive people is probably going to make you want to spend more for your own psychological comfort, thereby trapping you permanently with no place of your own and no money for a deposit? (Which also makes me wonder how you're planning to move in with your boyfriend in one month when you have no money for a deposit and he's said he can contribute maybe a few hundred dollars a month?)
Getting your own spending under control has to be your first priority here. It will give you a lot more options. At this stage it sounds like you can't actually move to a new place, and your only option (other than giving up your independence to previously-abusive people, possibly long-term) is to renew your existing lease for another year. That will give you a year's breathing room to restructure your spending habits and get yourself into a position where you actually have options.
posted by heatherlogan at 6:23 PM on September 29 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: Just answering a few questions...
I did have $400 the other day which is when I wrote this, then I got paid $800, rent is due 10/1 for $960 and I had to buy groceries and gas.
My lease expires 11/30 and I have to give 60 days notice, which is 9/30 or 10/1, I either need to renew or not, like tomorrow.
My dad does expect me to be moving in in November, I did talk to him on the phone yesterday, but I could change that plan if I have to. If I move in with him, I would plan to save up at least enough to put a deposit on the next place, which would take a month. I know my spending needs to be reined in.
I saw my boyfriend today and informed him that I couldn't move in with him just yet as I was going to stay with my dad until spring or so so I could save money and have a safety net, so I didn't move out there with no safety net. He said he totally understood. He has not been clear about his money, he told me a month ago he has been saving ever since we talked about moving in together in May. Today before I told him I wanted to postpone moving in together he showed me some places he saw like 30 minutes north of me and was also talking about a place he saw 45 minutes north of him in the town where one of his best friends lives, which would be 1 hour 45 minute commute to my current job for me, not sure how he thought that would work. The places he showed me were houses for around 1.25k I believe. I think a house would be nice but also I rent apartments because they are cheaper. He said before that he would prefer a house with a garage and not apartment but from what he said he expects me to pay for most of it? I still am not clear on what he would plan to contribute, last we talked about it was a couple weeks ago when he said "a few hundred, idk, have to check" and he never got back to me and I didn't ask because I was thinking about canceling the whole thing.
I am still in limbo though I do think I feel in my gut I don't want to move forward with him, and have felt that way I while but I am wondering if I am expecting too much and scared to commit. I know I am not though, I am more just scared to settle and he would not be an ideal partner for me. I at least wanted to let him know I wanted to postpone moving in together. His family has been so excited about us and his niece loves me, his family is sweet. I have tolerated and sort of accepted his friends, see them here and there, I haven't said anything disapproving to my boyfriend about them, but deep down I know they're sort of the kind of people I have been trying to get away from, though they do have good hearts but I just don't like the drugs and excessive drinking and wildness I guess. But he wants to move closer to them it seems, also his job, he said we could move 30 minutes north of me in between us and then next year move up to near the city where his union hall is.
But part of me definitely feels excited and freedom at the thought of getting my own studio apartment and starting fresh and focusing on myself and being single and holding out for a guy who is more of want I want. The song, "The Bolter" by Taylor Swift is coming to mind, that is how I feel. My current boyfriend is a lot like my ex, different but similarities. But I am worried that I'll never find a partner I commit to. At this point I think being alone would be much more peaceful and I do not even want a guy who can't add to my life, I am a bit disillusioned but still hopeful, but I am realizing I would have been better off alone likely. I know I keep overlooking red flags and rationalizing them as they pile up and when it gets close to commitment maybe "coming to my senses" and realizing the signs were there all along. I definitely have issues that are proving hard to overcome. I have been seeing a new therapist for a couple of weeks.
posted by anon1129 at 7:15 PM on September 29 [4 favorites]
I did have $400 the other day which is when I wrote this, then I got paid $800, rent is due 10/1 for $960 and I had to buy groceries and gas.
My lease expires 11/30 and I have to give 60 days notice, which is 9/30 or 10/1, I either need to renew or not, like tomorrow.
My dad does expect me to be moving in in November, I did talk to him on the phone yesterday, but I could change that plan if I have to. If I move in with him, I would plan to save up at least enough to put a deposit on the next place, which would take a month. I know my spending needs to be reined in.
I saw my boyfriend today and informed him that I couldn't move in with him just yet as I was going to stay with my dad until spring or so so I could save money and have a safety net, so I didn't move out there with no safety net. He said he totally understood. He has not been clear about his money, he told me a month ago he has been saving ever since we talked about moving in together in May. Today before I told him I wanted to postpone moving in together he showed me some places he saw like 30 minutes north of me and was also talking about a place he saw 45 minutes north of him in the town where one of his best friends lives, which would be 1 hour 45 minute commute to my current job for me, not sure how he thought that would work. The places he showed me were houses for around 1.25k I believe. I think a house would be nice but also I rent apartments because they are cheaper. He said before that he would prefer a house with a garage and not apartment but from what he said he expects me to pay for most of it? I still am not clear on what he would plan to contribute, last we talked about it was a couple weeks ago when he said "a few hundred, idk, have to check" and he never got back to me and I didn't ask because I was thinking about canceling the whole thing.
I am still in limbo though I do think I feel in my gut I don't want to move forward with him, and have felt that way I while but I am wondering if I am expecting too much and scared to commit. I know I am not though, I am more just scared to settle and he would not be an ideal partner for me. I at least wanted to let him know I wanted to postpone moving in together. His family has been so excited about us and his niece loves me, his family is sweet. I have tolerated and sort of accepted his friends, see them here and there, I haven't said anything disapproving to my boyfriend about them, but deep down I know they're sort of the kind of people I have been trying to get away from, though they do have good hearts but I just don't like the drugs and excessive drinking and wildness I guess. But he wants to move closer to them it seems, also his job, he said we could move 30 minutes north of me in between us and then next year move up to near the city where his union hall is.
But part of me definitely feels excited and freedom at the thought of getting my own studio apartment and starting fresh and focusing on myself and being single and holding out for a guy who is more of want I want. The song, "The Bolter" by Taylor Swift is coming to mind, that is how I feel. My current boyfriend is a lot like my ex, different but similarities. But I am worried that I'll never find a partner I commit to. At this point I think being alone would be much more peaceful and I do not even want a guy who can't add to my life, I am a bit disillusioned but still hopeful, but I am realizing I would have been better off alone likely. I know I keep overlooking red flags and rationalizing them as they pile up and when it gets close to commitment maybe "coming to my senses" and realizing the signs were there all along. I definitely have issues that are proving hard to overcome. I have been seeing a new therapist for a couple of weeks.
posted by anon1129 at 7:15 PM on September 29 [4 favorites]
While it's lovely you're considering how his family feels, you absolutely must put yourself first. This relationship is not good for *you*.
posted by freethefeet at 8:35 PM on September 29 [1 favorite]
posted by freethefeet at 8:35 PM on September 29 [1 favorite]
There’s liking and dating a person, which is one thing, and there’s thinking “this would be a good person to have a child with and depend on, he seems like he has good dad potential” which is and I have to emphasize this: a TOTALLY separate thing. I have dated many people and enjoyed being with them, and they would have made terrible husbands and fathers. I hope years from now you look back and think “I am so glad I didn’t make that mistake”
posted by Vatnesine at 9:11 PM on September 29 [5 favorites]
posted by Vatnesine at 9:11 PM on September 29 [5 favorites]
To echo commenters above, your financial situation is puzzling. You got paid $800 & had to pay rent but…what happened to the three previous September paychecks? You could be putting one paycheck per month into dont-touch-it savings and living on three, based on your listed expenses. (I make a bit less than you and have similar rent costs, but live in a generally higher cost of living area.)
posted by needs more cowbell at 1:37 AM on September 30 [3 favorites]
posted by needs more cowbell at 1:37 AM on September 30 [3 favorites]
You are always welcome to post another question with a breakdown of your monthly expenses and ask for advice on where and how to save some money. I've seen several questions in AskMeFi along these lines and the responses were really constructive -- more than just "don't spend on X", instead "here are strategies you can use to stop spending on X while still maintaining the benefits that you were previously getting from X".
posted by heatherlogan at 6:40 AM on September 30 [5 favorites]
posted by heatherlogan at 6:40 AM on September 30 [5 favorites]
Look, there are guys who are immature until they're in a relationship with the right woman. That does happen. None of the stuff you talk about would be a barrier to that necessarily. But it doesn't happen unless the people like each other very, very much in addition to being in love with each other. And quite frankly, you may love him, but you don't seem to *like* him very much, and you don't seem *crazy* in love with him. And you really, really have to like someone *and* love them deeply in order to deal with their major problems. Because it's going to take time to work through them. He's got financial issues, substance use issues, other issues. That's going to be rough to work through. It's not going to be magically fixed.
And I think you both know you're not in a relationship that can handle kids. If kids are important to you, and you're 32ish, you need to break up with this guy and try to find a relationship with someone you like who is ready to have kids now.
posted by corb at 10:16 AM on September 30 [1 favorite]
And I think you both know you're not in a relationship that can handle kids. If kids are important to you, and you're 32ish, you need to break up with this guy and try to find a relationship with someone you like who is ready to have kids now.
posted by corb at 10:16 AM on September 30 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: I think I am highly leaning towards breaking up, but I am scared to at the same time. His family and friends have been very excited and supportive of our relationship, but my family and friends have kind of been like, “ohh…” and I think sense it’s not good.
I feel like I’ve ruined things from the vibes I give and my focus on the negatives, if that makes sense which I’m sure it doesn’t. There are positive things about us and the relationship. I do enjoy seeing him but it’s usually once a week sometimes every two weeks, and he only wants to text nightly a little, and I don’t feel like that met my emotional needs and that I’ve been unable to get hooked on him properly due to such distance and lack of communication. Communication between us has been difficult, he frequently misunderstands me, I don’t think understands what I need, he keeps conversations neutral and positive and surface level, while I’m wanting a deeper connection. His mom moved out and parents were going through divorce for a year and he didn’t say a word to me, I asked him why and he said he didn’t want to bring up negative stuff. And he does seem to try to be very aware of what he shares with me and changes his story on things slightly. I feel like he is pretty vague in general with me.
If we break up I don’t even know how to do it though I know I need to do it in person, he always travels an hour to my house. If I go to his house it will be a very isolated place. I have a lot of his stuff at my apartment. I’m actually supposed to fly out with him next weekend in 1.5 weeks to visit his sister with the rest of the family but tickets weren’t gotten yet. I was going to pay for mine and I truly don’t even have the money really.
I know that when we talked about the future and even when I asked him about moving inI felt on my gut that I didn’t want to do it which I hate admitting. But I was going to go along with it.
I have always pictured being a mom but at the same time, I might be fine if I never become one. I’m almost 32 and I have an autoimmune disease, I have a lot of weight to lose before I’d want to have a baby, having a baby with my boyfriend sounds like it could be really stressful because I think I’d have a lot of standards that he wouldn’t care about. His friends party and smoke weed and stuff in front of their little kids. With him I see a lot of me giving up my dreams (which may never happen, but I am determined to make some of them happen, the ones I can do on my own like having a little house in the country, wholesome and peaceful life). I still feel like I don’t fully understand what kind of guy my boyfriend is, as at first I thought he was very respectful and gentlemanly and just wanted to take our relationship slow, but as I look back over our relationship I remember when each red flag popped up and I felt a pit in my stomach.
Thanks all for the words of discernment. I am going to create another question later about my budget when I get all my information organized for that.
posted by anon1129 at 9:55 PM on October 2
I feel like I’ve ruined things from the vibes I give and my focus on the negatives, if that makes sense which I’m sure it doesn’t. There are positive things about us and the relationship. I do enjoy seeing him but it’s usually once a week sometimes every two weeks, and he only wants to text nightly a little, and I don’t feel like that met my emotional needs and that I’ve been unable to get hooked on him properly due to such distance and lack of communication. Communication between us has been difficult, he frequently misunderstands me, I don’t think understands what I need, he keeps conversations neutral and positive and surface level, while I’m wanting a deeper connection. His mom moved out and parents were going through divorce for a year and he didn’t say a word to me, I asked him why and he said he didn’t want to bring up negative stuff. And he does seem to try to be very aware of what he shares with me and changes his story on things slightly. I feel like he is pretty vague in general with me.
If we break up I don’t even know how to do it though I know I need to do it in person, he always travels an hour to my house. If I go to his house it will be a very isolated place. I have a lot of his stuff at my apartment. I’m actually supposed to fly out with him next weekend in 1.5 weeks to visit his sister with the rest of the family but tickets weren’t gotten yet. I was going to pay for mine and I truly don’t even have the money really.
I know that when we talked about the future and even when I asked him about moving inI felt on my gut that I didn’t want to do it which I hate admitting. But I was going to go along with it.
I have always pictured being a mom but at the same time, I might be fine if I never become one. I’m almost 32 and I have an autoimmune disease, I have a lot of weight to lose before I’d want to have a baby, having a baby with my boyfriend sounds like it could be really stressful because I think I’d have a lot of standards that he wouldn’t care about. His friends party and smoke weed and stuff in front of their little kids. With him I see a lot of me giving up my dreams (which may never happen, but I am determined to make some of them happen, the ones I can do on my own like having a little house in the country, wholesome and peaceful life). I still feel like I don’t fully understand what kind of guy my boyfriend is, as at first I thought he was very respectful and gentlemanly and just wanted to take our relationship slow, but as I look back over our relationship I remember when each red flag popped up and I felt a pit in my stomach.
Thanks all for the words of discernment. I am going to create another question later about my budget when I get all my information organized for that.
posted by anon1129 at 9:55 PM on October 2
Response by poster: Also some of the things my boyfriend said this weekend… he said that he’s “as lazy as he is hardworking,” and that he prefers to work smarter not harder. He said his fellow apprentice has been working overtime which he has denied many times, and his peer said he needs to catch up on hours. After every 1,000 hours I think you get a raise. So he’s been not putting the max effort into that. Also he could have gotten a welding certification a while ago but has chosen not to. He has said it was because he just didn’t go up there on a Saturday to test, then said he didn’t like welding and that it’s hot and he gets burned, and now lately said that his boss said he is going to weld with or without a cert, so might as well get the cert. the welding certification makes your pay go up automatically. But he said that he has an agonizing fear of failure and didn’t want to fail the welding test, because the teacher is strict, I asked if he could just take it again if he failed and he said yeah. Also he was showing me houses that were just 30 minutes away from my current apartment, 25 from my work, 30 mins from his farm, but they were 1.2k+. And he showed me one all the way near his union hall about 1.5 hours away, and I was like ok well how would I make that work with my office job? Just interesting points. Sometimes I am not sure why he tells me such things that don’t instill confidence in me about our future. I wonder if he is a bit self sabotaging. Sometimes I wonder how much he really wants to be with me and question if he misses me at times when apart. He never wants to talk on the phone and if I call him, which has only been like 3 times, after polite conversation and such he says he’s sorry he’s boring and doesn’t have anything to say.
posted by anon1129 at 10:16 PM on October 2
posted by anon1129 at 10:16 PM on October 2
You don’t have to break up with him in person. Just do it over the phone. It will suck, but then it will be over.
posted by exceptinsects at 11:39 PM on October 2 [1 favorite]
posted by exceptinsects at 11:39 PM on October 2 [1 favorite]
I still feel like I don’t fully understand what kind of guy my boyfriend is, as at first I thought he was very respectful and gentlemanly and just wanted to take our relationship slow, but as I look back over our relationship I remember when each red flag popped up and I felt a pit in my stomach.I've felt like this too. Honour that feeling! I didn't, and I wasted several good years of my life on a relationship that made me really unhappy, where I never felt like I truly knew my boyfriend and that came to really eat away at me. My life is so much better since I broke up with that guy, and yours can be too if you take the relatively easy step of breaking things off with this guy.
Also his family and friends are probably excited about you because you're smart and capable and much better than they thought your boyfriend could do for himself. But you can do a lot better!
posted by RubyScarlet at 6:56 AM on October 3 [1 favorite]
You see him once every week or two, he lives an hour away, your texting -- which isn't daily -- is all surface level, and you never talk on the phone? You don't have to break up with him; you're barely going out now. Pack up his stuff and leave it some place he can get it, and move on with your life.
posted by The corpse in the library at 7:46 AM on October 3 [1 favorite]
posted by The corpse in the library at 7:46 AM on October 3 [1 favorite]
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He doesn't have career plans.
He has shown no motivation in planning for moving in together.
He doesn't discuss decisions or future with you.
He doesn't seem serious about having kids on your desired timeline.
He likes to party a lot when not around you.
You dislike the surroundings he typically lives in (messy, dirty).
This man is not a match for you and your life plans as you've stated them. Go and find someone who is!
posted by rachaelfaith at 4:33 PM on September 28 [102 favorites]