Help me process this
December 24, 2024 10:20 AM Subscribe
I just ended things with someone and I need some feedback and processing.
I’ve been on five dates with someone. We met because I asked her out while she was in a relationship with someone else. I didn’t realize she was in a relationship but what ended up happening is that she agreed to a platonic coffee date with her GF which was then canceled as her GF was uncomfortable with it (important detail for later).
A year later, she reached out to go on a date after her other one ended. We’ve been on a few dates for the past two months. What ended up happening is that she texted me a lot all day, but didn’t put in much effort into the date planning while I did. But every time we spent time together I enjoyed it.
It surfaced that she had been through a lot of personal stuff in the past few months including some traumatic things. So I began to wonder if she was really emotionally available. Then at one point she shared that she is going to meet up with an online match that she never met that is “platonic” for New Year Eve and then invited me. I’m all for her making friends but the circumstances made me uncomfortable especially given how we met and this seemed to be a pattern for her.
I also shared with her that I don’t have sex with multiple people and prefer to be monogamous. She agreed.
On our most recent date we got carried away by our attraction and had sex. After I asked her what she wanted and she said “she’s not ready to jump into anything and wants to date other people.” I was slightly upset as I had shared with her before how big of a deal sex is to me.
The day after I felt not good. The texts became formal and weird. I started feeling anxious and then ended things via text as I shared I was looking for a serious relationship and she didn’t seem to be. She replied that she was too, and that I had misread her. But I found that very different from her behavior and her statements. I then wondered to her if I made a mistake. Then she said that because I was so hasty it wasn’t going to work.
I’m in a tailspin as I’m really confused about whether I was too hasty, and how she said one thing but her behavior was different. And I’m mad as I feel like she didn’t have any curiosity about how she made me feel that she wasn’t ready for something serious. And I fee like shit that she said I was hasty and as a result she shut down any possibility of working things out.
I’m processing all of it because I’m so confused if I WAS too hasty. I don’t know if I should reach out again but I also want to respect her wishes. And I’m confused about why I feel so shitty about how the breakup happened.
What do people think? As a favor, please be gentle as I am in a depressed place at the moment.
I’ve been on five dates with someone. We met because I asked her out while she was in a relationship with someone else. I didn’t realize she was in a relationship but what ended up happening is that she agreed to a platonic coffee date with her GF which was then canceled as her GF was uncomfortable with it (important detail for later).
A year later, she reached out to go on a date after her other one ended. We’ve been on a few dates for the past two months. What ended up happening is that she texted me a lot all day, but didn’t put in much effort into the date planning while I did. But every time we spent time together I enjoyed it.
It surfaced that she had been through a lot of personal stuff in the past few months including some traumatic things. So I began to wonder if she was really emotionally available. Then at one point she shared that she is going to meet up with an online match that she never met that is “platonic” for New Year Eve and then invited me. I’m all for her making friends but the circumstances made me uncomfortable especially given how we met and this seemed to be a pattern for her.
I also shared with her that I don’t have sex with multiple people and prefer to be monogamous. She agreed.
On our most recent date we got carried away by our attraction and had sex. After I asked her what she wanted and she said “she’s not ready to jump into anything and wants to date other people.” I was slightly upset as I had shared with her before how big of a deal sex is to me.
The day after I felt not good. The texts became formal and weird. I started feeling anxious and then ended things via text as I shared I was looking for a serious relationship and she didn’t seem to be. She replied that she was too, and that I had misread her. But I found that very different from her behavior and her statements. I then wondered to her if I made a mistake. Then she said that because I was so hasty it wasn’t going to work.
I’m in a tailspin as I’m really confused about whether I was too hasty, and how she said one thing but her behavior was different. And I’m mad as I feel like she didn’t have any curiosity about how she made me feel that she wasn’t ready for something serious. And I fee like shit that she said I was hasty and as a result she shut down any possibility of working things out.
I’m processing all of it because I’m so confused if I WAS too hasty. I don’t know if I should reach out again but I also want to respect her wishes. And I’m confused about why I feel so shitty about how the breakup happened.
What do people think? As a favor, please be gentle as I am in a depressed place at the moment.
It sounds like you felt shifting hormones and emotions and the uncertainty of the situation, which made your behavior and words a little inconsistent. You should forgive yourself.
She went through the same thing. Of course she needs a little while to parse what happened. But you both _tried_ to make final clear statements about your needs and preferences -- even though those are going to be shifting and settling after such a momentous experience.
You being "hasty" was just you trying to force something dynamic -- feelings and thoughts about the relationship -- to be immediately static and decided. For both of you.
If this rings true for you, then there's a chance it will ring true for her, too. Whether she's with you on this or not, you can take a breath or two now, and bear it in mind for the future too.
posted by amtho at 10:37 AM on December 24 [1 favorite]
She went through the same thing. Of course she needs a little while to parse what happened. But you both _tried_ to make final clear statements about your needs and preferences -- even though those are going to be shifting and settling after such a momentous experience.
You being "hasty" was just you trying to force something dynamic -- feelings and thoughts about the relationship -- to be immediately static and decided. For both of you.
If this rings true for you, then there's a chance it will ring true for her, too. Whether she's with you on this or not, you can take a breath or two now, and bear it in mind for the future too.
posted by amtho at 10:37 AM on December 24 [1 favorite]
It reads to me like she's trying to deflect blame onto you.
You broke up with her for the perfectly valid reason that you would like to pursue a serious relationship, and she had just a) learned that you don't have sex with multiple people; b) had sex with her, then c) she then told you she wants to see other people. Seems very straightforward that she is not offering what you want, and in fact flouting your stated desires. So you broke it off.
The fact that she's saying "you're misreading me" and "hasty" despite telling you she wants to date other people is straight-up gaslighting. She's just trying to make you feel bad for her own mis-handling of the situation.
You feel bad because you're human, because you doubt yourself, and because she mistreated you. I'm sorry! But I'm also glad that you recognized that she's not offering what you want, and walked away. It would have been easy to get suckered along. You did NOT make a mistake, in fact you avoided one. Good on you. Take care of yourself.
posted by Dashy at 10:38 AM on December 24 [5 favorites]
You broke up with her for the perfectly valid reason that you would like to pursue a serious relationship, and she had just a) learned that you don't have sex with multiple people; b) had sex with her, then c) she then told you she wants to see other people. Seems very straightforward that she is not offering what you want, and in fact flouting your stated desires. So you broke it off.
The fact that she's saying "you're misreading me" and "hasty" despite telling you she wants to date other people is straight-up gaslighting. She's just trying to make you feel bad for her own mis-handling of the situation.
You feel bad because you're human, because you doubt yourself, and because she mistreated you. I'm sorry! But I'm also glad that you recognized that she's not offering what you want, and walked away. It would have been easy to get suckered along. You did NOT make a mistake, in fact you avoided one. Good on you. Take care of yourself.
posted by Dashy at 10:38 AM on December 24 [5 favorites]
It sounds like you had some chemistry but trusted your gut and ended things early to prevent a lot of dragged out pain while she would have bounced around ambivalent and unable to fully connect. You made a good choice.
It’s natural to feel bad especially if you get attached to people after sex. A small attachment was just broken now and the body responds with pain. That doesn’t mean your decision was a bad one.
Hugs and healing to you this holiday season. Better to end the year like this so you’re starting a new year fresh. Good things are on the way.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 10:58 AM on December 24 [4 favorites]
It’s natural to feel bad especially if you get attached to people after sex. A small attachment was just broken now and the body responds with pain. That doesn’t mean your decision was a bad one.
Hugs and healing to you this holiday season. Better to end the year like this so you’re starting a new year fresh. Good things are on the way.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 10:58 AM on December 24 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: Thank you all. I also feel gaslit and angry about being gaslit. I want to set the record straight but it’s likely not a good use of my energy.
posted by pando11 at 11:00 AM on December 24 [2 favorites]
posted by pando11 at 11:00 AM on December 24 [2 favorites]
and how she said one thing but her behavior was different
ALWAYS believe the behavior, not the words. Always.
I think you should be glad that you figured out pretty early that she's not a good communicator and you guys just aren't on the same page. I know it feels crappy now, but hopefully soon you will see that you deserve to be with someone that won't play all these head games. Let her go, tuck all of this into the Now-I-Know-For-Next-Time box and toast the New Year glad that you're not dealing with this messiness anymore.
posted by Molasses808 at 11:06 AM on December 24 [2 favorites]
ALWAYS believe the behavior, not the words. Always.
I think you should be glad that you figured out pretty early that she's not a good communicator and you guys just aren't on the same page. I know it feels crappy now, but hopefully soon you will see that you deserve to be with someone that won't play all these head games. Let her go, tuck all of this into the Now-I-Know-For-Next-Time box and toast the New Year glad that you're not dealing with this messiness anymore.
posted by Molasses808 at 11:06 AM on December 24 [2 favorites]
Good grief. Give people a break when they don't immediately know what they want and don't keep their wants frozen in time.
posted by amtho at 11:32 AM on December 24 [4 favorites]
posted by amtho at 11:32 AM on December 24 [4 favorites]
I want to set the record straight but it’s likely not a good use of my energy.
You're right about that. Leave things where they are and move along. It sounds like the two of you may be more attracted to each other than actually compatible. That's always disappointing to deal with - it's tough to have things end while that spark is strong - but continuing to text isn't going to help you move on.
posted by EvaDestruction at 12:00 PM on December 24 [7 favorites]
You're right about that. Leave things where they are and move along. It sounds like the two of you may be more attracted to each other than actually compatible. That's always disappointing to deal with - it's tough to have things end while that spark is strong - but continuing to text isn't going to help you move on.
posted by EvaDestruction at 12:00 PM on December 24 [7 favorites]
She’s allowed to be confused about what she wants but someone who was worth your while would communicate with you clearly about where she was at, rather than acting one way, saying something else, and blaming you for having an emotional reaction. That kind of thing is a major red flag and you are wise to take care of yourself and get out of the situation. Give yourself a bit of time to feel the disappointment and then enjoy the fact that you dodged a giant bullet.
posted by rpfields at 12:04 PM on December 24 [2 favorites]
posted by rpfields at 12:04 PM on December 24 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Actions and behaviors over words every single time.
Also, if things are feeling this rocky and uncertain this early on it is usually a big red flag that this will be just the top of the iceberg on drama.
posted by forkisbetter at 12:36 PM on December 24 [4 favorites]
Also, if things are feeling this rocky and uncertain this early on it is usually a big red flag that this will be just the top of the iceberg on drama.
posted by forkisbetter at 12:36 PM on December 24 [4 favorites]
I think it's possible you were too hasty - in general in early-stage dating, I think it's best to not put too much pressure on how someone acts on any given day. People should be allowed to have off-days. It sounds like a depressed/anxious voice got into your head the day after you had sex, and you ended things simply based on how she was texting in less than a 24hr period. You never know what's going on in someone's life - maybe she was stressed about a work/family/etc. issue, and her texting style that day was a reflection of that, and not anything to do with you. If she was still acting different the next time you saw her in-person, then I'd have a conversation about it - but I generally think it's best to avoid assuming what the other person is thinking/feeling based on a few text messages.
posted by coffeecat at 1:08 PM on December 24 [2 favorites]
posted by coffeecat at 1:08 PM on December 24 [2 favorites]
Consistency over time is way better than words or actions alone.
Some people say a lot of big words but can’t follow through with actions. Some people will do the opposite - “I’m not looking for anything serious” but will treat you like a boyfriend/girlfriend while they keep looking. Some will be great in person, some will be great over text. Some can be great at all of the above, but only for a limited time, maybe a few weeks or months, until they get overwhelmed and they run out of willpower and crash out.
A person who is right for you will be consistent over time in a wide variety of situations. This person has shown you early on that they are not consistent. It makes sense that you would feel confused, and you are absolutely right to move on.
Also: pay attention to how YOU feel, consistently over time, with them in your life. Do you feel calmer, more secure, more like yourself? Or do you feel more confused, left behind, angry, gaslit? How you feel (not just on dates but before and after too) is at least as important as what they do.
posted by danceswithlight at 1:31 PM on December 24 [5 favorites]
Some people say a lot of big words but can’t follow through with actions. Some people will do the opposite - “I’m not looking for anything serious” but will treat you like a boyfriend/girlfriend while they keep looking. Some will be great in person, some will be great over text. Some can be great at all of the above, but only for a limited time, maybe a few weeks or months, until they get overwhelmed and they run out of willpower and crash out.
A person who is right for you will be consistent over time in a wide variety of situations. This person has shown you early on that they are not consistent. It makes sense that you would feel confused, and you are absolutely right to move on.
Also: pay attention to how YOU feel, consistently over time, with them in your life. Do you feel calmer, more secure, more like yourself? Or do you feel more confused, left behind, angry, gaslit? How you feel (not just on dates but before and after too) is at least as important as what they do.
posted by danceswithlight at 1:31 PM on December 24 [5 favorites]
It usually feels bad to make decisions that stem from your anxiety. So going forward, you might want to equip yourself with some methods or tactics to keep you from making decisions like this when you're anxious. That will make you feel better about how you behave because you'll be doing it from a place of calm and strength.
That said -- I think you 100% made the right decision. Just that for your own sake you should maybe approach things differently to allow yourself to feel confident/sure because you acted from a calm point of view.
posted by knobknosher at 3:21 PM on December 24 [2 favorites]
That said -- I think you 100% made the right decision. Just that for your own sake you should maybe approach things differently to allow yourself to feel confident/sure because you acted from a calm point of view.
posted by knobknosher at 3:21 PM on December 24 [2 favorites]
Sure, you may well have been too hasty, but that's not horrible, and no great loss has come of it. You shouldn't get back in touch, not to try to work things out, and not to explain to her how she misled you.
Her words and actions aren't necessarily inconsistent. It's clear from both her words and actions that right now, she wants to date around. That doesn't make it false that she's looking for something serious. When she finds it and/or it develops, she may stop dating around. *Maybe* that would have been with you, but you wanted a different timeline, and you two weren't off to a highly promising start.
In the meantime, it would have been better for her not to sleep with you knowing how you feel about sex. It also would have been better for you not to sleep with her until you knew you had the kind of relationship it sounds like you want to have before having sex. You say you both got carried away, and that's how it sounds.
I agree that next time, it'd be better not to let your anxiety drive you. And I know it sounds old-fashioned, but I'd really recommend avoiding texts and instead meeting in person or at least on the phone if you're trying to work through emotional and relational topics. But you haven't done anything terrible or terribly regrettable, so just let time soothe.
posted by daisyace at 12:07 PM on December 25
Her words and actions aren't necessarily inconsistent. It's clear from both her words and actions that right now, she wants to date around. That doesn't make it false that she's looking for something serious. When she finds it and/or it develops, she may stop dating around. *Maybe* that would have been with you, but you wanted a different timeline, and you two weren't off to a highly promising start.
In the meantime, it would have been better for her not to sleep with you knowing how you feel about sex. It also would have been better for you not to sleep with her until you knew you had the kind of relationship it sounds like you want to have before having sex. You say you both got carried away, and that's how it sounds.
I agree that next time, it'd be better not to let your anxiety drive you. And I know it sounds old-fashioned, but I'd really recommend avoiding texts and instead meeting in person or at least on the phone if you're trying to work through emotional and relational topics. But you haven't done anything terrible or terribly regrettable, so just let time soothe.
posted by daisyace at 12:07 PM on December 25
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posted by nkknkk at 10:31 AM on December 24 [8 favorites]