I think I am not fully attracted to the girl I am dating
October 9, 2024 3:00 AM Subscribe
I think I am not fully attracted to the girl I am dating, but I really like her personality and we get along great.
I've been dating this woman I met online now for about two months now (1-2 times a week) and I'll be honest, I do not feel the ‘spark’. The girl is beautiful to me, and I really liked her when I saw her first time with that wonderful smile. Actually I though “Damn I will have problem with that smile”.
In theory I have lot of experience when it comes to relationships and I strongly believe that to be ok with others firstly you need to take care of you underlying issues. I think that maybe I have the fear that the years have passed and I need to settle down with a person with good personality. So I have that insecurity that affects my thoughts.
First thoughts arouse after sex. I think that there is not that much chemistry and she waits for me to take the initiate for everything. She saw me one day immediately after sex skeptical and asked me why was I that skeptical while she seemed that happy. I avoided to discuss it. I think its the type of partner that first need to feel better with her partner in terms of communication and then to move with more initiate and find more chemistry maybe and I totally respect that. But unfortunately I missed even old partners(years ago). Not one. I even imagine another. I feel so sad about that.
In general I feel sad, and I realize that instead of writing to a forum (that’s alone is a sign that things are not good) I should have spoken to her, let her go, so that she has the chance to move on faster with no drama and be with someone,with no second thoughts. But this seems hard to me this time. Is it my ego that preventing that? Maybe. But usually I speak my thoughts with honesty in the very beginning without the fear to lose friends, partners or even my job.
I find excuses to avoid meeting her to ‘win’ some time or to realize some things. In the meantime I find myself looking at other women when I walk to the streets, but I do not think of her. This also comes in contradiction with memories that I have from past relationships when I was expecting just to kiss my partner. I thought that maybe this feel will come….
If a mage would appear to me and give me 3 options: 1) to go on date with a beautiful model-angel 2) to continue with that girl and see when it goes 3) to go to an island away from all of that for a long time and freeze the time, I would go with 3.
What are your thoughts on that.
In theory I have lot of experience when it comes to relationships and I strongly believe that to be ok with others firstly you need to take care of you underlying issues. I think that maybe I have the fear that the years have passed and I need to settle down with a person with good personality. So I have that insecurity that affects my thoughts.
First thoughts arouse after sex. I think that there is not that much chemistry and she waits for me to take the initiate for everything. She saw me one day immediately after sex skeptical and asked me why was I that skeptical while she seemed that happy. I avoided to discuss it. I think its the type of partner that first need to feel better with her partner in terms of communication and then to move with more initiate and find more chemistry maybe and I totally respect that. But unfortunately I missed even old partners(years ago). Not one. I even imagine another. I feel so sad about that.
In general I feel sad, and I realize that instead of writing to a forum (that’s alone is a sign that things are not good) I should have spoken to her, let her go, so that she has the chance to move on faster with no drama and be with someone,with no second thoughts. But this seems hard to me this time. Is it my ego that preventing that? Maybe. But usually I speak my thoughts with honesty in the very beginning without the fear to lose friends, partners or even my job.
I find excuses to avoid meeting her to ‘win’ some time or to realize some things. In the meantime I find myself looking at other women when I walk to the streets, but I do not think of her. This also comes in contradiction with memories that I have from past relationships when I was expecting just to kiss my partner. I thought that maybe this feel will come….
If a mage would appear to me and give me 3 options: 1) to go on date with a beautiful model-angel 2) to continue with that girl and see when it goes 3) to go to an island away from all of that for a long time and freeze the time, I would go with 3.
What are your thoughts on that.
Hi just break up with her it's not that deep.
posted by phunniemee at 4:05 AM on October 9 [10 favorites]
posted by phunniemee at 4:05 AM on October 9 [10 favorites]
Break up with her, you are wasting her time.
posted by kimberussell at 4:24 AM on October 9 [18 favorites]
posted by kimberussell at 4:24 AM on October 9 [18 favorites]
How about talk to her and see how she feels? God forbid any of us try actually communicating with one another. Honesty is just way too scary, right?
Also, "the spark" is bullshit. It's a temporary thing that will pass and leave behind... what? Maybe something lasting, maybe nothing at all. If you feel "the spark" enjoy it while it lasts but don't think that it has any deep meaning. It's just some primitive part of your brain that desperately wants to make babies with this other person. Do you really want to let the monkey bits of your brain be in charge of your life?
posted by Awfki at 4:58 AM on October 9 [6 favorites]
Also, "the spark" is bullshit. It's a temporary thing that will pass and leave behind... what? Maybe something lasting, maybe nothing at all. If you feel "the spark" enjoy it while it lasts but don't think that it has any deep meaning. It's just some primitive part of your brain that desperately wants to make babies with this other person. Do you really want to let the monkey bits of your brain be in charge of your life?
posted by Awfki at 4:58 AM on October 9 [6 favorites]
Mod note: Chatbot answer removed, account banned.
posted by Brandon Blatcher (staff) at 5:02 AM on October 9 [43 favorites]
posted by Brandon Blatcher (staff) at 5:02 AM on October 9 [43 favorites]
This is a good lesson to learn- regarding someone as beautiful/handsome/etc. doesn't guarantee physical/sexual chemistry. If you're not feeling it at two months into a relationship, now is the time to end it. It will only get more difficult and more hurtful if you drag it out.
posted by wormtales at 5:31 AM on October 9 [2 favorites]
posted by wormtales at 5:31 AM on October 9 [2 favorites]
I strongly believe that to be ok with others firstly you need to take care of you underlying issues.
In general I feel sad
If a mage would appear to me and give me 3 options: 1) to go on date with a beautiful model-angel 2) to continue with that girl and see when it goes 3) to go to an island away from all of that for a long time and freeze the time, I would go with 3.
I think you could be suffering from depression and might want to focus on your issues. And yes you should listen to your heart and end this relationship. I wish you luck, and I think it's a good sign that you realize that your relationship with yourself needs some work before you can be in a relationship with someone else.
posted by RobinofFrocksley at 6:21 AM on October 9 [2 favorites]
In general I feel sad
If a mage would appear to me and give me 3 options: 1) to go on date with a beautiful model-angel 2) to continue with that girl and see when it goes 3) to go to an island away from all of that for a long time and freeze the time, I would go with 3.
I think you could be suffering from depression and might want to focus on your issues. And yes you should listen to your heart and end this relationship. I wish you luck, and I think it's a good sign that you realize that your relationship with yourself needs some work before you can be in a relationship with someone else.
posted by RobinofFrocksley at 6:21 AM on October 9 [2 favorites]
she waits for me to take the initiate for everything...I avoided to discuss it.
If you're not feeling it after two months, it's fine to just break up - you haven't wasted anyone's time at that point, and two months is a fairly normal amount of time to give a relationship to see what happens. But also, when potential incompatibilities come up in that period, it's better to address them than just hope they magically resolve themselves or that you're able to tolerate them.
posted by coffeecat at 6:57 AM on October 9 [4 favorites]
If you're not feeling it after two months, it's fine to just break up - you haven't wasted anyone's time at that point, and two months is a fairly normal amount of time to give a relationship to see what happens. But also, when potential incompatibilities come up in that period, it's better to address them than just hope they magically resolve themselves or that you're able to tolerate them.
posted by coffeecat at 6:57 AM on October 9 [4 favorites]
You both deserve to be with people who don't have doubts about the relationship. Break up now, gently if you can.
posted by Dolley at 7:13 AM on October 9 [2 favorites]
posted by Dolley at 7:13 AM on October 9 [2 favorites]
If a mage would appear to me and give me 3 options:
Not to put too fine a point on it, but since the option "go on a date with someone who I truly connect with" does not appear on this list I'm not sure you're in the right place to be in a relationship right now.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 7:15 AM on October 9 [14 favorites]
- to go on date with a beautiful model-angel
- to continue with that girl and see when it goes
- to go to an island away from all of that for a long time and freeze the time
Not to put too fine a point on it, but since the option "go on a date with someone who I truly connect with" does not appear on this list I'm not sure you're in the right place to be in a relationship right now.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 7:15 AM on October 9 [14 favorites]
Honestly the advice I see often enough about relationships where you're choosing between A and B is, "Both of those options are wrong, then, so choose C, none of the above." Your impulse to choose C (run away and not date) is healthy because it's telling you something real about yourself. So trust that and let this lady go, and don't immediately work to replace her.
Instead, work on how you feel about your life. Work on why you think you have to be settled by an arbitrary age and why you seem to think personality and chemistry are mutually exclusive -- because I'd bet that's at least part of your problem here, some part of your brain has decided there are hot model-angel women you want to bang and there are nice women you marry, and the only alternative is a deserted island. That's some toxic nonsense, dig in and tear that out at the root.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 8:03 AM on October 9 [7 favorites]
Instead, work on how you feel about your life. Work on why you think you have to be settled by an arbitrary age and why you seem to think personality and chemistry are mutually exclusive -- because I'd bet that's at least part of your problem here, some part of your brain has decided there are hot model-angel women you want to bang and there are nice women you marry, and the only alternative is a deserted island. That's some toxic nonsense, dig in and tear that out at the root.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 8:03 AM on October 9 [7 favorites]
Your instincts and your logic are dueling right now. You know this girl has a lot going for her. But your biological sexual/chemistry mind isn't feeling it. What does it all mean? Well, I don't have the answer but I can tell you many people both male and female have been there. I don't think that "chemistry" is just about textbook attractiveness. Sometimes chemistry is there and it's not just a physical thing. But usually I do think it's a combination of multiple things. Some are tangible and others are just unexplainable. Bottom line...if after 2 months you're questioning things and finding reasons to avoid getting together...it's more then likely time to move on for the sake of both of you. You can both be great people...but not great for each other for what ever reason that may me.
posted by ljs30 at 8:06 AM on October 9
posted by ljs30 at 8:06 AM on October 9
The answer about this relationship is easy, you should break up. If you aren't feeling invested, then go.
After reading option 3, a more interesting question is, what are you looking for in a relationship, and why? Sometimes, we just take in the cultural messaging that we are _supposed to_ find a loving, sexy, successful partner to be winning at life. Then, we are _supposed to_ date, marry, have kids... etc. But is that what you want? When you read about aromantic or asexual people, does that resonate in some way? Could you be happy on that third option of just not looking for a partner and not having one? That's a perfectly reasonable choice.
posted by advicepig at 8:49 AM on October 9 [2 favorites]
After reading option 3, a more interesting question is, what are you looking for in a relationship, and why? Sometimes, we just take in the cultural messaging that we are _supposed to_ find a loving, sexy, successful partner to be winning at life. Then, we are _supposed to_ date, marry, have kids... etc. But is that what you want? When you read about aromantic or asexual people, does that resonate in some way? Could you be happy on that third option of just not looking for a partner and not having one? That's a perfectly reasonable choice.
posted by advicepig at 8:49 AM on October 9 [2 favorites]
Best answer: ) to go to an island away from all of that for a long time and freeze the time, I would go with 3.
Guess what - you can do this in a way for yourself. You can't freeze the time or go to an island away from the whole world, but you can decide to have some time for yourself not dating. You don't have to be unable to have relationships in general or be actually asexual to need this now.
Sometimes it's a good idea to take some time away from dating and from thinking about dating and from worrying about dating. Just stop all that for a while, focus on other things in your life and go back to the world of romance when you feel you really want to. It's ok!
Also your question doesn't make you sound dishonest or bad, you sound ambivalent and unsure and lacking clarity. Dating isn't a business contract, sometimes people feel more than one way at the same time and aren't sure what to do. But you ARE sure that it's not fun and exciting and rewarding right now and it's only been a couple of months, so it's time to end it and have some time on your "island" with the magic power of your own permission!
posted by ponie at 10:56 AM on October 9 [2 favorites]
Guess what - you can do this in a way for yourself. You can't freeze the time or go to an island away from the whole world, but you can decide to have some time for yourself not dating. You don't have to be unable to have relationships in general or be actually asexual to need this now.
Sometimes it's a good idea to take some time away from dating and from thinking about dating and from worrying about dating. Just stop all that for a while, focus on other things in your life and go back to the world of romance when you feel you really want to. It's ok!
Also your question doesn't make you sound dishonest or bad, you sound ambivalent and unsure and lacking clarity. Dating isn't a business contract, sometimes people feel more than one way at the same time and aren't sure what to do. But you ARE sure that it's not fun and exciting and rewarding right now and it's only been a couple of months, so it's time to end it and have some time on your "island" with the magic power of your own permission!
posted by ponie at 10:56 AM on October 9 [2 favorites]
It's okay to break up with her. Don't fall for the sunk cost fallacy. Two months in is still really early. You found her attractive originally and like her, so you gave it a try, and now you have learned it isn't working. This is why we date. If you're not feeling a spark now, and you're avoiding her (!) two months in, there's nothing else to decide: the relationship is going to end soon enough one way or another. I encourage you to end it, directly, with integrity.
You don't have to decide about the angel model (what) or the desert island right now.
posted by bluedaisy at 12:30 PM on October 9 [1 favorite]
You don't have to decide about the angel model (what) or the desert island right now.
posted by bluedaisy at 12:30 PM on October 9 [1 favorite]
You don't have to decide about the angel model (what) or the desert island right now.
I think it's important for folks to take this question in the earnest spirit it is asked instead of scoring easy points off the OP by making it seem so literal. OP is obviously saying that he'd even be reluctant now to date the most impossibly ideal woman anyone can imagine. He is not making a sexist comment about actual women he aspires to. Let's try to be helpful to people.
posted by ponie at 2:45 PM on October 9 [1 favorite]
I think it's important for folks to take this question in the earnest spirit it is asked instead of scoring easy points off the OP by making it seem so literal. OP is obviously saying that he'd even be reluctant now to date the most impossibly ideal woman anyone can imagine. He is not making a sexist comment about actual women he aspires to. Let's try to be helpful to people.
posted by ponie at 2:45 PM on October 9 [1 favorite]
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I say break it off with this woman. She deserves to be with someone who is not secretly wanting to stop seeing her. You two have only been together for two months, the world is not going to end if tell her you are not feeling strong about the connection and you want to move on.
That you are not super physically attracted to her doesn't make you a bad person. But the way you are handling it now makes you a dishonest person.
Good luck.
posted by rhonzo at 3:47 AM on October 9 [10 favorites]