How do you cope after accidentally hurting/killing an animal?

September 10, 2024 5:35 PM

I think I stepped on a toad, which has activated a spiral of self-hatred. I really like amphibians. I've been active with local toad rescue organizations this last year, so I've held a lot of these little guys, and I've fallen in love with them a little bit. I feel terrible now.

It was very dark (1 am), raining, and I was on a muddy path with three dogs. I felt something "give" and thought I heard the tiniest squeaking sound. I didn't look down right away because I know myself: Seeing an injured animal can render me useless for days, especially when I can't do anything to help.

I turned back after a few steps, and I saw a toad's silhouette, either wandering off and frozen in place because of my flashlight...or paralyzed/injured in some horrible way with its mouth open and leaning forward. I wasn't brave enough to go closer. I looked away quickly.

I now feel disgusted at myself, extremely sad, and nauseated (that last one probably partly because I slept very little last night due to a painful wrist injury, I've been feeling queasy all day). I can't sleep.

I can't stop thinking about this toad. I know from its size it must have been a female, probably already around six years old. And now because I failed to look where I was going, her life is over. Worse, what if she's still in horrible pain and dying slowly? It feels like I should have determined if she still has a chance, and otherwise killed her. But apart from that being illegal, I also know I just wouldn't have been able to.

What have you done in similar circumstances? I already messaged a couple friends who will understand and say comforting things, but it's the middle of the night.

I know there are many people who don't consider toads valuable or interesting. Feel free to imagine I stepped on a baby bunny instead. As long as you care about any animals at all, you can probably empathize with me.

posted by toucan to Pets & Animals (30 answers total)

You can't change the past. You're allowed to feel sad about it.

You can plan how you're going to avoid it in the future.

Also, Tetris.
posted by freethefeet at 5:43 PM on September 10 [13 favorites]

Maybe take a step back and think of the bigger picture. Yes you killed, or seriously injured the toad, but that likely means it'll become a meal for some other animal and so the local ecosystem as a whole will continue. That was going to be its fate anyway, you just altered the timing of it.
posted by any portmanteau in a storm at 5:46 PM on September 10 [10 favorites]

Best answer: In the case of accidentally taking an animal life like this, I have tried to remember something to myself like: the times in your life where you doubt if you are a good enough person with a good heart, now there is some proof on a deep deep level that you are a good person, with a good heart, who feels heartwrenching compassion for the suffering of other beings.

You never have to doubt that you are a good person, because you have this deep compassion in you, and you can try to connect with that good part of your heart at any time, in all circumstances, to make good choices and to try to help others.

I also would try to care for an animal, any animal, in some small way if you can sometime soon. It can be hard to access animals if you don't have a pet, but you could try even the smallest thing like leaving some water out for a house spider
or donating to a fundraiser for someone's pet.
posted by lizard music at 5:56 PM on September 10 [7 favorites]

I'm so sorry, that is genuinely the worst feeling. I agree with freethefeet. The way I "get over" something like this is 1) time and distracting myself once i have thought about it as much as is productive 2) thinking about if it would have been possible to avoid (not in a self-lothing way). Generally the answer is mostly "no, it was an accident" with maybe the tiniest sliver of something that would help me avoid the circumstances being right for it to happen again.

For example, I live in the country and my night vision is not the best. I try to avoid driving at night now when it's not necessary because I know if an animal runs out in front of me, most likely there will be nothing I can do in time to avoid hitting it. 3) treat myself like I would treat a friend. I would not hold something like this against someone else who made a mistake and regretted it.
posted by Eyelash at 5:57 PM on September 10 [2 favorites]

Gently, this is the kind of spiraling one tends to fall into in animal rescue when one is feeling overloaded or experiencing moral injury. I think in a little while you will recognize that what happened was a tragic accident, not a moral failure, but, in the meantime, give yourself a break. Seek distraction. The spiral you're in now will not help yourself or any animals, and you have no obligation to ruminate and keep retraumatizing yourself. A kind heart needs protecting, too.
posted by praemunire at 5:57 PM on September 10 [7 favorites]

Best answer: Light a candle. Meditate on your desire for all creatures great and small to live full, healthy, beautiful lives. Hold your own body - lying non your back, one hand on your belly, one hand on your heart - and soak in the sensations of being alive. Have a good weep. The pain of hurting or causing damage without intention is real and valid.
posted by rrrrrrrrrt at 6:06 PM on September 10 [2 favorites]

In similar circumstances I have closed my eyes and imagined the toad surrounded in light, moving on and into the light, wishing it love and sending it on its way. The toad was going to die at some point. You were just the hand of dharma making it happen. Don't hold onto the toad. It is not holding onto you. Wish it well, and go on with your life.
posted by Winnie the Proust at 6:30 PM on September 10 [3 favorites]

I would consider making a modest donation to a conservation charity that does toad-conservation and toad protection work. An amount that feels meaningful to you, but which doesn't cause you financial hardship.
posted by chariot pulled by cassowaries at 6:56 PM on September 10

Best answer: Years ago, my grandmother was gardening, and she accidentally struck a toad with her hoe. She could see a big gash in its back, and she felt terrible, because she was sure she had killed it.

The next summer, working in the garden, she saw a big toad with a scar on its back. It had wandered off and healed. Maybe your toad has done the same.
posted by elphaba at 6:58 PM on September 10 [6 favorites]

Best answer: Also, a non-money thing you could do is help classify photos of frogs on this Zooniverse project, which will help save frogs lives

https://www.zooniverse.org/projects/ollibruuh/frog-find
posted by chariot pulled by cassowaries at 7:14 PM on September 10 [2 favorites]

It's OK to step on toads.
It's ok for creatures to die.
Creatures are constantly killing other creatures.
You are imagining some kind of moral story about what happened. This story is not true.
posted by Lucky Bobo at 7:17 PM on September 10 [9 favorites]

Best answer: I accidentally ran over a frog or a toad in rural New York over the weekend. It was really dark and foggy and the road was narrow and twisty and I just didn't see it in time to stop even though I was only going about 35/40mph. I still feel bad about it. Let's feel bad together; a burden shared is a burden halved.

It's okay. We aren't terrible people. The fact that we feel bad about what happened is proof that we're decent. Say a little prayer for your toad, light a candle, put your sorrow out into the universe, do whatever little ritual makes you feel more okay about it. I said out loud to my frog/toad, "I'm so, so sorry lil guy." It feels better.
posted by cooker girl at 7:30 PM on September 10 [4 favorites]

Best answer: I know how hard this is. Without at all diminishing your admirable respect for life, you might consider the likely trajectory of your feelings about this. I don't think you will feel this way forever, and you will eventually think about it less and less. When I get in a situation where some regrettable thing is preying on my mind, I tell myself that I will stop dwelling on it eventually, so why not now? It's surprisingly effective. And it's okay to do. You can't change the situation by dwelling on it and you are not a deliberate toad stomper so you don't need to dwell on it for moral purposes either. Just accelerate your dwelling timeline and let yourself stop early.
posted by HotToddy at 7:31 PM on September 10

Best answer: It was an accident. You cope by acknowledging the accident, performing a ritual as described in the other answers, and work on forgiving yourself for not being perfect.

To follow on to elphaba: Toads can puff themselves up when scared (one human, three dogs in the vicinity), and will freeze in fear, too.

Please go ice your wrist (or do whatever you need to do to properly tend to your injury), so you can care for yourself and care for your dogs, and get some sleep? Sleep will help heal you, and make it easier to navigate the muddy path tomorrow.
posted by Iris Gambol at 8:12 PM on September 10 [1 favorite]

Best answer: I would feel terrible too if I thought I injured an animal. But I do want to point out that you actually don't know for sure if you stepped on a toad, much less injured it, much less killed it.

It might have been a fruit. Or a piece of garbage. Or a dog toy.

I would suggest you call a staunch friend, tell them how worried you are, and have them check the backyard tomorrow and let you know that it's toad-free. Pick a friend who knows you well enough to know they should not tell you about anything they find. You don't actually need to know.

In the meantime, play Tetris. And do something nice for toads, like donate a bit of money to a toad rescue. I think helping 100 toads is a good balance.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 8:23 PM on September 10

You too are a part of nature.
posted by Iteki at 11:55 PM on September 10 [8 favorites]

You don’t need to atone by donating money or doing anything special for toads. You already help toads for goodness sake!

Animals are always dying. You provided a meal for another creature. This is nature. Nothing is wrong here. You have not done wrong.

Please take seriously and seek help for your moral scrupulosity. Askme is probably not a good place to come for that.

You are equally as part of the world as the toads are, and you deserve to not feel like this. Take care of yourself. You’re ok.
posted by Balthamos at 12:02 AM on September 11 [14 favorites]

You didn't do it on purpose, you didn't take pleasure in its suffering. You didn't do anything morally wrong. This level of empathy doesn't help the animal and certainly doesn't help you. Unfortunately, we probably accidentally kill animals during the course of our day to day activities all the time, by e.g. stepping on anthills. Please don't dwell on this. I also don't think you need to atone in any special way.
posted by unicorn chaser at 2:17 AM on September 11 [1 favorite]

Best answer: Even the most scrupulous Jain understands that accidents happen. You have done nothing for which you should atone. It is good that you value life in all its forms - but do remember that you are also a life! When you can find a moment please do some reflecting on how to realign your expectations for yourself with the expectations you have of others.

Amphibians are lovely and toads are adorable and ecologically important, but also they do not experience things the same way humans do. Yes, they feel pain and have froggy emotions, but this toad is not out there shaking a webbed fist and cursing you in specific. Anthropomorphizing is fun but ultimately obstructs our understanding of other animals. This toad’s death was not something it feared in the same way you fear your death. Being stepped on was just one of a million dangers for a toad, and is no better or worse than being munched on by a hungry raccoon or not living through an especially cold winter.

My specific recommendation to you in this instance is to say a small prayer for the toad. Maybe light a candle, or engage in some other kind of ritual action that soothes and focuses you. Appreciate that your life and the toad’s life intersected, express regret at the method of intersection. Try to cut off this rumination spiral you have going on. Make amends in your mind and consider the event complete. Try to get the best rest you can manage.

There is no point in self flagellation, here. You can’t bring the toad back to life and you can’t let this accident keep you from being outside in nature. Your intentions matter. You had no intention of harm and you continue not to. You will continue to do the best you can, and hopefully be as kind to yourself as you can be, too.
posted by Mizu at 3:42 AM on September 11 [3 favorites]

I recently told the story elseFilter of how I accidentally killed a jumping spider by shutting it inside a book on animal cognition. My husband memorably stepped on a vole while walking to the car to go to my father’s funeral. We are big and clumsy and these things happen. It always feels terrible in the moment. With time perhaps you can take some wisdom from the experience: about the transience of life, or the impossibility of perfect action.
posted by eirias at 4:33 AM on September 11 [3 favorites]

Best answer: I can relate to this feeling. I once found a mouse giving birth on the side of the road. She had taken all her babies into the bushes but one mouse newborn had been left behind. Not knowing any better, I picked it up and placed it in the bushes. Later on, I learned that having the smell of human touch on that baby mouse might have meant the mother would have rejected it as not her own kin, and that was my fault.

To this day, I still mourn that baby mouse, as silly as some may think that is. I don't think there's anything wrong with feeling sensitive towards other life forms and feeling like their lives have value. In fact, if more people felt that way, we wouldn't be in this environment catastrophe that we are experiencing across the entire world.

You did it by accident and accidents happen but the important thing is you're already giving your time to this community of toad beings, which means your actions are aligned with your values. That's the most that any of us can hope for when we care deeply about something. I think your grief about the toad is valid and if anything, just let it motivate you to continue with your service work. Just know that if we all loved toads as much as you do, the world would be a better place. Keep living out your values and being an example to others.
posted by winterportage at 5:24 AM on September 11 [1 favorite]

Best answer: I can totally relate, a small animal once ran across the bike path I was cycling on at the wrong moment and I’ll leave it at that.

I had a very similar reaction, it messed me up for weeks afterwards. Eventually over time I reached a point where the emotional charge had lessened and I accepted it more, although I was still sad it was no longer devestating to me.

It’s not that different from a breakup or friendship dissolving if you are someone very sensitive to animals (it sounds like you and I are). It stings so much in the immediate aftermath, and it will rarely feel great down the road, but (hopefully) over time the horrible wound becomes a little scar.

Pragmatically, if I were you I would tell yourself “it’s ok to feel the way I feel now. I will never be happy it happened, but I won’t feel this bad forever”. Because you really won’t. And then let time heal your wounds.
posted by seemoorglass at 5:49 AM on September 11

Best answer: Are you already part of a spiritual or religious community? Mizu mentioned the Jains earlier and they may be a good choice. When you are trying to follow a strict moral code, such as ahimsa, you need not only a moral framework, but also people who understand what you're trying to do and why, who can explore the ramifications of that code with you, and who can appropriately console and guide you when something unexpectedly causes you internal conflict -- and whom you can also help in that way.

If nothing else, Jain centers are full of people who live in 2024 and have had to deal with similar accidents and compromises while trying very hard not to harm other living beings. Consider contacting one.
posted by brainwane at 5:57 AM on September 11 [4 favorites]

Best answer: Life is everywhere, and much of it is fragile, and none of is who live in this world for very long are able to pass through it without causing harm. I have caused the deaths of creatures I did not intend to, and it always hurts. Most larger creatures take lives, either as part of their life cycles or incidentally. We aren't different, but we can comprehend the loss in a way other creatures can't.

You don't deserve hatred, from yourself or anyone else. It also doesn't do any good to hate yourself. You will hurt for a while. That is a result of having the ability to recognize the value of what was lost, but letting that pain become self-recrimination doesn't honor the life you are mourning.

Your volunteer work did honor that life. You can tell it did because it made you aware of the value of these creatures.

I promise you she is not suffering. Frogs and toads are fragile things. Sometimes they die for no obvious cause. The kind of physical trauma being stepped on produces is fatal very quickly. A matter of seconds at most. The fact she did not flee from your approach and was in the open actually means it is quite likely you stepped on a freshly dead animal.

Please give yourself the grace and mercy you would show to another loving thing. You are also a lofe worthy of respect and care.
posted by pattern juggler at 7:43 AM on September 11 [3 favorites]

Oh my gosh. How awful. I love toads frogs and salamanders too and was also part of an ecological group for a time. I once accidentally squished a beautiful giant snail and was sad for a day. I 110% get you. These creatures are so sweet and precious. They’re closely related to our water cycle which is also a precious resource, so they really feel like an extension of Mother Earth.

I would have a memorial for the toad and make Buddhist prayers for her.

The Buddhist mantra for death and purification is “Om Mani Peme Hum” and helps purify the toad’s karma and prepare her for her next lifetime which will be auspicious.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 9:25 AM on September 11 [2 favorites]

Best answer: I felt something 'give' and thought I heard the tiniest squeaking sound.
You felt something and you thought you heard something. Moments later you saw a toad. You don't know that the toad you saw was ever under your foot.

Because there is nothing at all whatsoever you can do for this toad, I invite you to conclude that the toad you saw was completely unharmed by you in any way, that what you felt "give" under your foot was not a living thing. Perhaps it was a sodden half of a lemon that immediately squashed flat and was washed away into the grass in the rain, and that squeak you thought you heard came not from the lemon half but from your very own brain, seizing on this opportunity to torment you. Your poor self is just as soft and vulnerable and sweet and deserving as that plump mama toad out there in the rainy night and just as deserving of pity and love and care. You can't do anything for the toad, which may not have been harmed at all. You can do something for yourself, namely stop ruminating about the toad in the manner in which you have been ruminating about the toad and instead dreamily consider her going about her business in your yard, a haven for toads and all living things.
posted by Don Pepino at 9:44 AM on September 11 [3 favorites]

I feel your pain. About a year ago I was driving home in my neighborhood when a squirrel ran out in front of me, as squirrels are wont to do. It was too close for me to avoid. I know I ran over something small, but saw it run (or drag itself?) across the street.

I felt instantly awful. It would have been bad enough if I'd actually killed it outright, but squirrels aren't always very smart and the number of times I've come close to hitting one are too many to mention. But to have possibly fatally injured one was, for a time, almost unbearable.

The only way past this is time, and trying not to dwell on it. There are many squirrels in the neighborhood, and they are amusing and adorable. My dad trapped a squirrel in the wild when I was a teenager and we kept it as a pet for several years, so they are more than random creatures to me.

Most of all I remind myself there was nothing I could have done in this case. I've braked for squirrels before. I've had them run into the street, see me coming, and run back the way they came. It just didn't work out this time.

That you are concerned about this is admirable, but try not to beat yourself up over it. Amphibians are important. And it's possible you really did no harm to any creature, just as I maybe didn't actually hit the squirrel. Give yourself some grace, and continue to help other toads and frogs. Remember you have power over them that they don't have over you, and you can do more good by continuing your work in spite of your grief over this one.
posted by lhauser at 5:20 PM on September 11 [2 favorites]

Response by poster: I'm just back to say Thank You. It's been wonderful to hear from people who feel for animals in a similar way. I haven't met many of those in real life.

You all are very kind. It's been so helpful to get support in forgiving myself, letting go of perfectionism, and seeing my spirit as another valuable toad.

Whenever I became too anxious, I started playing Tetris. Thanks for that tip. It successfully occupied my mind until it had calmed down. I keep seeing blocks now, but that's okay. I liked the idea of helping toads to channel all this nervous energy into something useful, so I signed up for a couple of events with the local amphibian group.

I feel a bit more hopeful that I maybe stepped on something else. On my daytime walk today, I paid attention and found out that very soggy moss, a bit of horse dung, and a beechnut shell felt quite similar to whatever I felt. I don't know. I don't even remember what I saw now: In my mind's eye, a stylized image has replaced the real one. I think there's a chance I got spooked and jumped to conclusions. Maybe I'm kidding myself with that, but you're right: Giving myself a peaceful narrative does not hurt any toads at all. In fact, it quite directly helps some, because I can be active and help them across the road when I'm feeling okay. So I've been imagining this toad happily roaming the forest and then safely hiding in its cave.

I'm reminded of a similar traumatic animal incident where I witnessed young Border Collies getting smuggled through customs and suffering heatstroke in overstuffed crates. They were barely breathing when we found them, and their "owner" was aggressive and an idiot. We managed to resuscitate all the dogs and they were confiscated and then taken to a vet, but the experience was terrifying. I remember that in the weeks after, I made up families for each of the dogs and imagined their happy lives in detail. That really helped.
posted by toucan at 4:10 PM on September 12 [8 favorites]

I'm so glad you feel better! When I was a kid, I did something thoughtless without realizing that my action may have hurt an animal - coincidentally also a toad!! - Like you, I think toads are great, and Little Me would have NEVER intentionally hurt a toad. And I also could never know for sure if the toad was actually hurt. At the time, a usually-gentle adult scolded me with a level of harshness and contempt that shocked me, and I felt absolutely awful and couldn't even respond because I was so stricken. Now that I'm an adult, I realize it was kinda the adult's fault for not supervising me better, which would explain why they were so harsh when they scolded me for a very innocent action! Anyway, it made a big impression on me and I've felt guilty about that toad for DECADES and never even talked about it to anyone until this moment. So I'm actually really glad you asked this question, because I certainly don't think YOU deserve to feel horrible, and you helped me realize that maybe I don't either! Decent odds that my toad actually enjoyed its brief encounter with a human, and then had a good nap, and then laid a clump of 1000 toadpole eggs the very next day. Yours too.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 6:54 PM on September 12 [4 favorites]

Response by poster: Today, for the first time, I felt brave enough to go back to the spot. It was dark and rainy again, but my eyes were glued to the path whenever I was moving, I had a great flashlight, and I walked much more slowly.

Very close to where I stepped on something, I found a toad! ♥︎ A female, and similar size to whatever I saw. I moved her off the path, and I told her she's wonderful and that I hope she'll be safe. She didn't seem to appreciate me very much, but she looked at me with her kind and peaceful toad eyes.

I certainly don't think I can tell individual toads apart. But from the spawning times, I have a pretty good statistical sample of the local toad population, and I know that females are quite rare, and this medium size is even less common. Also, I believe toads have territories. So...don't correct me if I'm wrong, but I really hope I stepped on something else and then saw that toad walk off. The one I saw last night was definitely active enough to move away when scared. I'm so happy I found her. I'm going to let myself believe I never stepped on a toad, and I hope to keep it that way. I'm definitely more careful now.
_____________________________________________________________________________

nouvelle-personne: I'm so sorry. That's painful for a child. I think most kids really take it to heart when trusted adults flip on them like that. And it's difficult to be a sensitive kid, wary of hurting anyone, because you'll regularly cause harm unintentionally just by being a kid. For example, I used to trap my cat under a laundry basket because in my mind, we were playing consensually (she was being a tiger). It felt to me like she was happily agreeing and then just pretending to be a wild animal unhappy about being trapped.

When I was a preschooler, I got a jewellery box as a present from a relative. I hated jewellery. I wanted stuffed animals, toy cars, or dress-up outfits. So I threw the jewellery box on the floor and ran off, crying. Obviously, that behaviour warranted a talk and probably some sort of making-amends with the relative. Perhaps some practice in tolerating frustration and disappointment. But I was made to feel like I was a bad kid and scolded pretty severely. Too severely, because I literally felt guilty about this one incident for two decades, and I have intense anxiety around not appearing grateful for gifts to this day. I also don't know if I'll ever be able to get rid of that jewellery box. I was barely four. I think with kids that young, because they won't consciously remember what happened for very long, adults assume it's not necessary to be gentle with your words.

Let's be careful with the kids :/

And you, be a good guardian for child you. It's not necessary to imagine the worst possible outcome. You didn't need a harsh lesson to be kind to animals (you already were). A healthy response to a kid thoughtlessly and briefly and only potentially endangering an animal would be to gently explain why that action is not to be repeated, and then help the child through the guilt and anxiety by reminding them their behaviour very likely didn't have a permanent or pervasive outcome and that they're a good, caring, thoughtful person. That adult who scolded you had a responsibility to supervise you, and then also to put things into perspective for you after the incident. I'm sorry you were left to deal with it all alone instead.
posted by toucan at 4:41 AM on October 2 [2 favorites]