Help save me for rides home with two boys
August 14, 2024 7:34 AM Subscribe
I have two boys, one in fourth grade and one in kindergarten. We usually avoid having them in the car together because they hit each other, call each other names names, arguing, and competing for attention. They also fight over things like choosing songs or looking out each other’s windows.
Last year they went to separate schools. When we picked them up at the end of the day (separately), they were usually worn out and riled up, but they had 5-10 minutes in the car to settle down a bit before getting home. Starting next week, they’ll be going to the same school for the first time, and I’ll be picking them up together at the end of the day.
Does anyone have suggestions for how to make the ride home go smoothly? Maybe a procedure for inside the car or taking turns telling me about their day? (I’m worried that if we take turns, it might be hard to keep track of whose turn it is, which could lead to more arguments.) Any suggestions or tricks to help this short drive from being a stressful experience for all?
Last year they went to separate schools. When we picked them up at the end of the day (separately), they were usually worn out and riled up, but they had 5-10 minutes in the car to settle down a bit before getting home. Starting next week, they’ll be going to the same school for the first time, and I’ll be picking them up together at the end of the day.
Does anyone have suggestions for how to make the ride home go smoothly? Maybe a procedure for inside the car or taking turns telling me about their day? (I’m worried that if we take turns, it might be hard to keep track of whose turn it is, which could lead to more arguments.) Any suggestions or tricks to help this short drive from being a stressful experience for all?
This is a much deeper problem than the ride home. It’s about what’s acceptable in your family and what’s not. I have two sons, and they have never been allowed to hit each other, call each other names, or argue meanly. I think you need to establish new ground rules in your family.
For the car ride, I’d explain to them that after school is respect each other time. My routine would be:
If possible, play on the playground for a few minutes to burn off all that school stress. A small snack might help too.
Remind everyone that it’s respect time in the car.
Let them have an activity if they want even for the 5 minutes. You could go get those activities for a first day of school treat.
I’d put on music and everyone sing the chorus.
If they start arguing, stop the car (safely.) The car does not go if people are hitting or yelling or calling names - it’s too distracting. You may have to wait them out for an hour the first time. Don’t make it fun.
Honestly though I think the main thing is to make these behaviours unacceptable anywhere. Sibling bullying is bullying.
posted by warriorqueen at 7:45 AM on August 14 [72 favorites]
For the car ride, I’d explain to them that after school is respect each other time. My routine would be:
If possible, play on the playground for a few minutes to burn off all that school stress. A small snack might help too.
Remind everyone that it’s respect time in the car.
Let them have an activity if they want even for the 5 minutes. You could go get those activities for a first day of school treat.
I’d put on music and everyone sing the chorus.
If they start arguing, stop the car (safely.) The car does not go if people are hitting or yelling or calling names - it’s too distracting. You may have to wait them out for an hour the first time. Don’t make it fun.
Honestly though I think the main thing is to make these behaviours unacceptable anywhere. Sibling bullying is bullying.
posted by warriorqueen at 7:45 AM on August 14 [72 favorites]
^ this and Have them come up with a solution.
How are you two going to ensure you treat each other properly? discussion prompt
posted by St. Peepsburg at 7:51 AM on August 14 [4 favorites]
How are you two going to ensure you treat each other properly? discussion prompt
posted by St. Peepsburg at 7:51 AM on August 14 [4 favorites]
You're the driver, you get to select the music, period. Explain to them that for the fifteen minutes of the ride home they will sit still in silence because you can't have distractions and be a safe driver. Provide them with paper and pens they can use to make a list or drawings of what they want to talk about when they get home. No touching allowed. If they argue over who sits where write up and print out a monthly schedule that lives in the car so that you don't have to try to remember it. Just let it be a silent ride. Choose some relaxing music. Once they get home have conversations with each one separately. I have three sons and drove them to and from school for a dozen years.
Oh and I totally agree about never assuming it's the older one starting stuff, my youngest was adept at pushing his older brothers' buttons from an early age, like 2!
posted by mareli at 7:52 AM on August 14 [9 favorites]
Oh and I totally agree about never assuming it's the older one starting stuff, my youngest was adept at pushing his older brothers' buttons from an early age, like 2!
posted by mareli at 7:52 AM on August 14 [9 favorites]
I agree that this shouldn't be tolerated behavior anywhere, thus, also not tolerated in the car. It sounds like they're getting away with more than they should be.
For little things, maybe take a step back from mediating their fights. "He's looking out my window." "That's ok. All windows are everyone's windows. Be kind."
For others, it's time to establish ground rules and consequences. No touching each other. If so, we'll stop the car and sit in silence for 5 minutes. (this sucks for you too, but enforce it so they know you mean it.)
Lastly, it sounds like they're really competing for your attention. I'd like to suggest that each kiddo needs some one-on-one time with you. If they know that's coming, and they'lll have your full attention, they may be able to control themselves a bit more.
posted by hydra77 at 8:28 AM on August 14 [2 favorites]
For little things, maybe take a step back from mediating their fights. "He's looking out my window." "That's ok. All windows are everyone's windows. Be kind."
For others, it's time to establish ground rules and consequences. No touching each other. If so, we'll stop the car and sit in silence for 5 minutes. (this sucks for you too, but enforce it so they know you mean it.)
Lastly, it sounds like they're really competing for your attention. I'd like to suggest that each kiddo needs some one-on-one time with you. If they know that's coming, and they'lll have your full attention, they may be able to control themselves a bit more.
posted by hydra77 at 8:28 AM on August 14 [2 favorites]
Just specifically on the whose turn to talk first, you can assign days: M/W for the younger, T/Th for the older one, and Friday is for you to start telling them what is going on over the weekend.
posted by vunder at 8:37 AM on August 14 [1 favorite]
posted by vunder at 8:37 AM on August 14 [1 favorite]
I just want to chime in here and say it isn't helpful feedback to tell folks their kid's behavior is unacceptable and not acknowledge that just because you didn't allow certain behavior it doesn't mean that you have everything figured out. Maybe you just had kids that were easier to discipline. I know many families who have children who have issues through no fault of the parent's parenting, nor from trauma, or unfortunate home situations. It sucks to be a parent who is asking for advice and then being shamed.
I think some playground time, and getting their energy out is a good suggestion. I also would have some healthy snacks and fresh water. And you might want to make the ride home quite time, maybe with an audio book or podcast that the adult chooses.
When my kids were little the transition from their father's house back to mine was always stressful and filled with fighting and tears. The way I fixed it was it was 100% to veg out during that time. No expectations for family dinner, no activities on those evenings. Just quite time, and some screens too. Hang in there- this time will pass, and you can have a good ride home, it will just take some work.
posted by momochan at 9:29 AM on August 14 [53 favorites]
I think some playground time, and getting their energy out is a good suggestion. I also would have some healthy snacks and fresh water. And you might want to make the ride home quite time, maybe with an audio book or podcast that the adult chooses.
When my kids were little the transition from their father's house back to mine was always stressful and filled with fighting and tears. The way I fixed it was it was 100% to veg out during that time. No expectations for family dinner, no activities on those evenings. Just quite time, and some screens too. Hang in there- this time will pass, and you can have a good ride home, it will just take some work.
posted by momochan at 9:29 AM on August 14 [53 favorites]
Yes, must add I agree with answer above -- I am normally in awe of warriorqueen's parenting (and other) wisdom but... sometimes young siblings just fight after a long day of holding everything in. . It's not necessarily a shocking thing that a kindergartner and 4th grader fight in the car, you must stop if, of course, and use this as an opportunity to teach respect and self control and kindness, but kids don't always have automatic control of their frustrations with each other at this age (unless the hitting is actually hard and not typical kid swatty thing and the name calling exceeds the typical juvenalia -- then yeah.)
posted by Tim Bucktooth at 9:35 AM on August 14 [6 favorites]
posted by Tim Bucktooth at 9:35 AM on August 14 [6 favorites]
If positive reinforcement fails, I wouldn’t blame you for picking your favourite music, turning it up as loud as possible, and singing along overtop of the ruckus.
If you have money to throw at the problem, consider a larger vehicle with three rows of seating.
posted by shock muppet at 9:51 AM on August 14
If you have money to throw at the problem, consider a larger vehicle with three rows of seating.
posted by shock muppet at 9:51 AM on August 14
Priming: every day, make the expectations for car behavior clear and specific. Whatever you need them to do, frame it as something you need them to do vs the absence of the behavior, e.g., “keep your hands and feet to yourself” vs “no hitting.” Negation is hard for kids; telling them what you expect instead is much easier for everyone. But every time you get in the car, go over the short list of what is expected. Keep it short. Expect some rules-lawyering.
Have them work toward a common goal: trips without fighting or arguments earn points toward some small reward, like extra time at the park, a movie night, a game night, camping in the living room, etc. Give them a bit of wiggle room in that it doesn’t need to be a perfect week, maybe about 50% to start, then you move up that percentage (and potentially slightly bigger rewards) as they become more successful. Make a visual so they can see their progress and be reassured that you’ll make good on the reward. (Anybody who wants to give you grief about how children should not have external reinforcement needs to consider whether they would go to work without a paycheck. It’s fine to do this. You won’t have to do it forever.)
Give them something to do: have them count cars or birds or animals, play the alphabet game (possibly tricky if you take the same route every day), give them fidget toys or a book (if they can look at books in the car). Keep the car activities limited to the car, if you can.
Give them a common enemy: you pick the music. Or no music. Once they’ve mastered riding in the car without fighting you can revisit who chooses the music.
Do something to release tension at pickup: time to run around at school before you leave, a moment where you all scream together on the count of three (in the car, away from people), everybody tenses their muscles as hard as they can, then relaxes, etc.
The five year age gap can be rough. It will get better, though! It just takes awhile.
posted by corey flood at 10:31 AM on August 14 [4 favorites]
Have them work toward a common goal: trips without fighting or arguments earn points toward some small reward, like extra time at the park, a movie night, a game night, camping in the living room, etc. Give them a bit of wiggle room in that it doesn’t need to be a perfect week, maybe about 50% to start, then you move up that percentage (and potentially slightly bigger rewards) as they become more successful. Make a visual so they can see their progress and be reassured that you’ll make good on the reward. (Anybody who wants to give you grief about how children should not have external reinforcement needs to consider whether they would go to work without a paycheck. It’s fine to do this. You won’t have to do it forever.)
Give them something to do: have them count cars or birds or animals, play the alphabet game (possibly tricky if you take the same route every day), give them fidget toys or a book (if they can look at books in the car). Keep the car activities limited to the car, if you can.
Give them a common enemy: you pick the music. Or no music. Once they’ve mastered riding in the car without fighting you can revisit who chooses the music.
Do something to release tension at pickup: time to run around at school before you leave, a moment where you all scream together on the count of three (in the car, away from people), everybody tenses their muscles as hard as they can, then relaxes, etc.
The five year age gap can be rough. It will get better, though! It just takes awhile.
posted by corey flood at 10:31 AM on August 14 [4 favorites]
Another idea for taking turns is for one to be assigned even-numbered days, and the other to get odd-numbered days. If there are any hiccups, it will even out in the long run.
posted by NotLost at 11:31 AM on August 14
posted by NotLost at 11:31 AM on August 14
Get some used handheld video games and they're allowed to use them only in the car. I see some Nintendo DSes for not too much on eBay, or I bet if you asked around you could get a couple from friends.
posted by The corpse in the library at 11:47 AM on August 14 [4 favorites]
posted by The corpse in the library at 11:47 AM on August 14 [4 favorites]
Ugh, this sounds like it sucks. You are definitely not alone in this though - some kids fight like cats and dogs when they are tired and grouchy at the end of the day. Please don't take the pearl clutching above to heart and feel shamed. You asked for some advice, which is awesome!
In terms of exercise and letting off steam: If there isn't a playground your boys can let off steam before getting in the car, maybe make a pitstop at one before you get home? Build in a 20 minute session there, but consider it as an essential part of the process rather than a privilege. I.e. don't be tempted to take away playground time as a punishment or to offer it as a reward for good behavior.
Turn taking: Maybe a coin toss before you get in the car would solve the problem of keeping track. This can also be one where they do face consequences if they misbehave. "Kid A won the coin toss today so gets to do desired things first [talk about his day/chose the first song etc]. Kid B has to listen quietly and wait his turn. If Kid B interrupts, he loses his turn and Kid A gets two turns." The more you complain about losing a turn, the more turns you lose.
My last piece of advice though is: ask you kids what they think would be a good solution! Obviously you can't promise to give them everything they want. But making it a family problem to solve can be interesting sometimes. "So you guys often find it hard to get along at the end of the day and it seems to make you both unhappy. What's a fair way to decide whose turn it is to do X or Y? What's something that could help make it easier for you?" Maybe one of them just wants quiet-time and needs a pair of headphones. Maybe they want to do rock-paper-scissors to decide on music. Either way, including them in the conversation and acknowledging their feelings (because this is probably a horrible time of day for them too) might increase buy in.
posted by EllaEm at 11:54 AM on August 14 [5 favorites]
In terms of exercise and letting off steam: If there isn't a playground your boys can let off steam before getting in the car, maybe make a pitstop at one before you get home? Build in a 20 minute session there, but consider it as an essential part of the process rather than a privilege. I.e. don't be tempted to take away playground time as a punishment or to offer it as a reward for good behavior.
Turn taking: Maybe a coin toss before you get in the car would solve the problem of keeping track. This can also be one where they do face consequences if they misbehave. "Kid A won the coin toss today so gets to do desired things first [talk about his day/chose the first song etc]. Kid B has to listen quietly and wait his turn. If Kid B interrupts, he loses his turn and Kid A gets two turns." The more you complain about losing a turn, the more turns you lose.
My last piece of advice though is: ask you kids what they think would be a good solution! Obviously you can't promise to give them everything they want. But making it a family problem to solve can be interesting sometimes. "So you guys often find it hard to get along at the end of the day and it seems to make you both unhappy. What's a fair way to decide whose turn it is to do X or Y? What's something that could help make it easier for you?" Maybe one of them just wants quiet-time and needs a pair of headphones. Maybe they want to do rock-paper-scissors to decide on music. Either way, including them in the conversation and acknowledging their feelings (because this is probably a horrible time of day for them too) might increase buy in.
posted by EllaEm at 11:54 AM on August 14 [5 favorites]
Is there a way to adapt the "who gets to talk first" into a combined thing a la "one person cuts, the other person picks"? That way there's not as clear a winner and loser, but the two things come with plusses and minuses that both parties recognize.
posted by Charity Garfein at 12:56 PM on August 14
posted by Charity Garfein at 12:56 PM on August 14
You're going to get a lot of advice. My heart goes out to you. This sounds exhausting. I want to echo the suggestion to have them do some running around and eat a snack on the playground before getting in the car. Can you run around and have a snack with them? Try to play yourself a bit? This is going to add a bit of work to whomever picks them up, but this could for sure solve some of the problems. They are probably hungry and sleepy and low on resources, and I am guessing that you might be too.
Next, I am going to say the next thing is to remove as many decisions as possible. No one will argue over music if you choose one album/set of songs/playlist that's "car ride home from school" music. Best not to choose anyone's most or least favorite. Maybe something new?
As for who goes first to tell you about their day: how about a schedule posted on the back of the seats and where you can see it also? I also want to suggest you have a conversation with your kids sometime at home when no one is tired or hungry and talk about the car ride and ideas to make it better.
posted by bluedaisy at 1:30 PM on August 14 [3 favorites]
Next, I am going to say the next thing is to remove as many decisions as possible. No one will argue over music if you choose one album/set of songs/playlist that's "car ride home from school" music. Best not to choose anyone's most or least favorite. Maybe something new?
As for who goes first to tell you about their day: how about a schedule posted on the back of the seats and where you can see it also? I also want to suggest you have a conversation with your kids sometime at home when no one is tired or hungry and talk about the car ride and ideas to make it better.
posted by bluedaisy at 1:30 PM on August 14 [3 favorites]
It definitely wasn’t my intention to shame the OP. So unreserved apologies for that. Parenting is hard.
I wish I could agree that siblings just hit each other. But this is like…the time I cannot agree. (barring special needs, trauma, etc., which is a whole different ballgame.) If your kids aren’t hitting their friends, teachers, other adults, etc., I’m going to maintain that it is possible to teach them not to hit or name call each other. Not perfectly, but also not as a matter of habit, which doing things in the car over and over is. My kids have a similar age gap…but also, I’ve run camps and afterschool programs with kids and siblings in them - it’s not the same as parenting at all, but there are ways to make violence - at the very least in front of adults - not okay.
OP didn’t say their kids sometimes melt down at the end of a long day. They didn’t say they have special needs. They said “We usually avoid having them in the car together because they hit each other, call each other names names, arguing, and competing for attention.” To me, that’s a habit, not a meltdown.
If one of our kids did that - up to about age 3 my younger would start things, especially before his eye surgery because everything was tactile. My husband and I would stop everything we were doing, move quickly to the kids, and just state in that real-serious tone variations on “we don’t hit/grab hair/etc.”
If we needed to separate them, we did. We didn’t really go punitive with it, but the feeling was like we caught them sticking wires in an outlet. Intense.
This only works if kids have other tools for coping. If their way of coping is harassing their sibling, of course they have to do that. If grownups around them are out of control — OP not saying any of this is you — of course they do that. But sorry, I do believe you can make your home and car a no-violence zone. Kids learn not to smash plates in a rage, not to throw the milk jug, etc. They can learn siblings are a no-hit zone.
I also remember when my boys started watching a show where the kids trash talked each other, and they started doing it. I banned the show and told them why. Our home and our family are where we raise each up, and don’t tear each other down. It made an impression. They snuck-watched the show but kept their behaviour in check. They would have been about a year older than the OP’s kids. They learned how serious I was. My niece and nephews learned it too, in my house anyway.
For us — my husband grew up in a four kids not quite 5 years apart from first to last family that was very violent towards each other — it was a bottom line.
Again OP, I don’t want to make you feel bad or shame you. It’s tough! But I do believe that on top of the immediate strategies, you can work with your kids so it’s just not a part of their toolkit any more.
posted by warriorqueen at 2:19 PM on August 14 [14 favorites]
I wish I could agree that siblings just hit each other. But this is like…the time I cannot agree. (barring special needs, trauma, etc., which is a whole different ballgame.) If your kids aren’t hitting their friends, teachers, other adults, etc., I’m going to maintain that it is possible to teach them not to hit or name call each other. Not perfectly, but also not as a matter of habit, which doing things in the car over and over is. My kids have a similar age gap…but also, I’ve run camps and afterschool programs with kids and siblings in them - it’s not the same as parenting at all, but there are ways to make violence - at the very least in front of adults - not okay.
OP didn’t say their kids sometimes melt down at the end of a long day. They didn’t say they have special needs. They said “We usually avoid having them in the car together because they hit each other, call each other names names, arguing, and competing for attention.” To me, that’s a habit, not a meltdown.
If one of our kids did that - up to about age 3 my younger would start things, especially before his eye surgery because everything was tactile. My husband and I would stop everything we were doing, move quickly to the kids, and just state in that real-serious tone variations on “we don’t hit/grab hair/etc.”
If we needed to separate them, we did. We didn’t really go punitive with it, but the feeling was like we caught them sticking wires in an outlet. Intense.
This only works if kids have other tools for coping. If their way of coping is harassing their sibling, of course they have to do that. If grownups around them are out of control — OP not saying any of this is you — of course they do that. But sorry, I do believe you can make your home and car a no-violence zone. Kids learn not to smash plates in a rage, not to throw the milk jug, etc. They can learn siblings are a no-hit zone.
I also remember when my boys started watching a show where the kids trash talked each other, and they started doing it. I banned the show and told them why. Our home and our family are where we raise each up, and don’t tear each other down. It made an impression. They snuck-watched the show but kept their behaviour in check. They would have been about a year older than the OP’s kids. They learned how serious I was. My niece and nephews learned it too, in my house anyway.
For us — my husband grew up in a four kids not quite 5 years apart from first to last family that was very violent towards each other — it was a bottom line.
Again OP, I don’t want to make you feel bad or shame you. It’s tough! But I do believe that on top of the immediate strategies, you can work with your kids so it’s just not a part of their toolkit any more.
posted by warriorqueen at 2:19 PM on August 14 [14 favorites]
I assume this is not an option or you wouldn't be asking, but if it is possible for them to ride the school bus or walk home, do that. Reducing the amount of conflict management anyone has to do tends to make everyone's time together better.
posted by metasarah at 3:03 PM on August 14 [1 favorite]
posted by metasarah at 3:03 PM on August 14 [1 favorite]
Sounds stressful. Lots of good ideas already, but one more thing to try: At a relaxed and playful time, ask them to pretend with you. You're all being driven to a ball. You're royalty. Very fancy. Ask them to show you what a fancy passenger looks like. They might put their hands in their laps and politely gaze out the window. Maybe you then all make some delightful conversation about the quail you're having for dinner. That's the concept established.
Then, go for a fun and short practice drive. Tell them before you get in the car that you have a small surprise for them, if they can be fancy passengers for a little bit. Obviously, royalty enjoys special perks such as snacks being offered by the driver.
After just one minute of silence, tell them they were excellent, and hand out treats. Personally, I'd go with a special lollipop for the first ride. I think they're overstimulated, so you want to give them quiet time with their mouths busy. Maybe one of those lollipops you can dip into sour sugar, then their hands are occupied, too. If you want healthier treats, maybe fruit pouches? Or fruit juice frozen into popsicles? But it should be something they really enjoy, and even daily lollipops for a few weeks are probably healthier than all that fighting. Obviously, ease off with the sugar over time. You can increase how long they need to be fancy passengers as they get better at this. And you might want to make it a rule that the car only starts when everyone has listened to a short, kid-friendly meditation together.
Good luck!
PS: I saw that BackseatWally website, but it all seems to be out of stock. Putting a giant stuffed animal between them could work instead. But overall, parents expecting kids to be out of control will worsen the symptoms. It might be better to go ahead stubbornly expecting and believing in kind behaviour. Perhaps you could generally work on noticing when they're being good brothers, and call that out?
posted by toucan at 4:25 PM on August 14
Then, go for a fun and short practice drive. Tell them before you get in the car that you have a small surprise for them, if they can be fancy passengers for a little bit. Obviously, royalty enjoys special perks such as snacks being offered by the driver.
After just one minute of silence, tell them they were excellent, and hand out treats. Personally, I'd go with a special lollipop for the first ride. I think they're overstimulated, so you want to give them quiet time with their mouths busy. Maybe one of those lollipops you can dip into sour sugar, then their hands are occupied, too. If you want healthier treats, maybe fruit pouches? Or fruit juice frozen into popsicles? But it should be something they really enjoy, and even daily lollipops for a few weeks are probably healthier than all that fighting. Obviously, ease off with the sugar over time. You can increase how long they need to be fancy passengers as they get better at this. And you might want to make it a rule that the car only starts when everyone has listened to a short, kid-friendly meditation together.
Good luck!
PS: I saw that BackseatWally website, but it all seems to be out of stock. Putting a giant stuffed animal between them could work instead. But overall, parents expecting kids to be out of control will worsen the symptoms. It might be better to go ahead stubbornly expecting and believing in kind behaviour. Perhaps you could generally work on noticing when they're being good brothers, and call that out?
posted by toucan at 4:25 PM on August 14
Honestly? This sounds beyond to me... but I can tell you what I'd resort to if I *did* have two that were acting like this more than once, on a really, really bad day. And it'd only be once or twice. Because being loud or obnoxious enough to be a distraction or danger to the driver is a zero tolerance thing that would lead to consequences pretty darn fast in my household.
So they'd get this reaction once, or once in a very rare while. It's basically an attempt to shock/surprise them into cutting the crap out.
Two options:
- Loud music, preferably heavy metal or something that today's kids would consider absolutely bizarre or horrible. Bagpipes was effective for me once. (I legit stopped on the side of the road and found that to play... after that, I made a playlist. I don't have it anymore, but it had a random collection that ranged from classical and riverdance to mariachi and metallica.
- Singing, at the top of my lungs, either 99 Bottles of Beer on The Wall, or another repeating song, like This Is The Song That Never Ends...
The repeating songs work on preschool tantrums pretty well. After a bit, they generally start begging you to stop singing/playing it. The "utterly unfamiliar music" tactic seems to work better on older kids.
Either one requires an dedication to selective hearing... and again, if things get out of hand to the point where someone is at risk of actual harm, that's something that needs addressed beyond just the car ride.
I'd also be considering making them ride the bus, if that's an option. Doubly so if they consider it embarrassing or that they're entitled to a ride.
Things like video games? I'm a hard no on rewarding bad behavior. I'd consider it, however, after a good long stretch of good behavior in the car.
posted by stormyteal at 7:48 PM on August 14
So they'd get this reaction once, or once in a very rare while. It's basically an attempt to shock/surprise them into cutting the crap out.
Two options:
- Loud music, preferably heavy metal or something that today's kids would consider absolutely bizarre or horrible. Bagpipes was effective for me once. (I legit stopped on the side of the road and found that to play... after that, I made a playlist. I don't have it anymore, but it had a random collection that ranged from classical and riverdance to mariachi and metallica.
- Singing, at the top of my lungs, either 99 Bottles of Beer on The Wall, or another repeating song, like This Is The Song That Never Ends...
The repeating songs work on preschool tantrums pretty well. After a bit, they generally start begging you to stop singing/playing it. The "utterly unfamiliar music" tactic seems to work better on older kids.
Either one requires an dedication to selective hearing... and again, if things get out of hand to the point where someone is at risk of actual harm, that's something that needs addressed beyond just the car ride.
I'd also be considering making them ride the bus, if that's an option. Doubly so if they consider it embarrassing or that they're entitled to a ride.
Things like video games? I'm a hard no on rewarding bad behavior. I'd consider it, however, after a good long stretch of good behavior in the car.
posted by stormyteal at 7:48 PM on August 14
Hand them a snack the second you see them.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 10:19 PM on August 14 [3 favorites]
posted by nouvelle-personne at 10:19 PM on August 14 [3 favorites]
I was also going to bring up the idea of a "practice" ride or otherwise reversing the current approach of minimizing the time they are together in the car, because it is signaling to them that the behavior you want to extinguish is effective (maximizes their one-on-one time in cars except when there is zero alternative) *and* ensures that the times they are together in the car is the after-school witching hour when self-control is at low ebb for most kids.
Food rewards don't work for us, but I'd definitely try a short car trip to somewhere they'd both really like to go that is contingent on peace in the back seat, with perhaps a three-strikes system for the drive and the opportunity to keep trying on subsequent days if they "strike out" at first. Obviously, you have to be prepared to really pull over for the first two strikes and turn around for the third. This approach also links peace in the car with getting (fun) places so that the consequence is natural, and can't really be negotiated up in the way my hucksters will absolutely try to do for token rewards.
We have a similar age gap in our family, and I'd say that this is approaching the ages where it would not be out of bounds to get professional help if the AskMe hive mind's ideas aren't helpful or fail on implementation. The level of conflict, the safety concerns from this occurring while you are trying to drive, and the extent to which it sounds like you are restructuring your life around the kids' behavior all sound like A Lot. I completely understand how a family gets here, but it's OK to want better for all of you and seek help getting there!
Finally, as someone who was victimized on long school bus rides as a kid: please think hard before you switch them to bus in lieu of resolving their conflicts, if that's on the table. Among other issues and concerns of fairness to the driver, any aide, and other kids, if they find a way to continue the behavior on a school bus these days, the bus may become *not* a reliable option very quickly.
posted by LadyInWaiting at 5:31 AM on August 15 [3 favorites]
Food rewards don't work for us, but I'd definitely try a short car trip to somewhere they'd both really like to go that is contingent on peace in the back seat, with perhaps a three-strikes system for the drive and the opportunity to keep trying on subsequent days if they "strike out" at first. Obviously, you have to be prepared to really pull over for the first two strikes and turn around for the third. This approach also links peace in the car with getting (fun) places so that the consequence is natural, and can't really be negotiated up in the way my hucksters will absolutely try to do for token rewards.
We have a similar age gap in our family, and I'd say that this is approaching the ages where it would not be out of bounds to get professional help if the AskMe hive mind's ideas aren't helpful or fail on implementation. The level of conflict, the safety concerns from this occurring while you are trying to drive, and the extent to which it sounds like you are restructuring your life around the kids' behavior all sound like A Lot. I completely understand how a family gets here, but it's OK to want better for all of you and seek help getting there!
Finally, as someone who was victimized on long school bus rides as a kid: please think hard before you switch them to bus in lieu of resolving their conflicts, if that's on the table. Among other issues and concerns of fairness to the driver, any aide, and other kids, if they find a way to continue the behavior on a school bus these days, the bus may become *not* a reliable option very quickly.
posted by LadyInWaiting at 5:31 AM on August 15 [3 favorites]
I just saw this instagram reel by parenting coach Mary Van Geffen, made me think of your question. Tips for giving kids a calming, "spa like" car ride after school. SO AWESOME, I want my own car to be like this.
Also, give the kids a straw, because, from babyhood on, the act of sucking is calming.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 4:19 PM on August 18 [1 favorite]
Also, give the kids a straw, because, from babyhood on, the act of sucking is calming.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 4:19 PM on August 18 [1 favorite]
Make them listen to the Tim Ferriss podcast until they behave.
posted by mecran01 at 7:26 PM on August 20
posted by mecran01 at 7:26 PM on August 20
« Older Seeking recommendations for estate attorney in... | Buy a used car with problems [Diesel] Newer »
You are not logged in, either login or create an account to post comments
1. The issue is probably that they've been holding in their aggression all day. Take a few minutes at the school playground for running around / jumping jacks / yelly stuff. Then:
2. This is what positive reinforcement is for.
What do they want after school? Ice cream? Screen time?
From now on they earn it with decent, respectful behavior on the ride home. Maybe every instance of "disrespectful action or words" (from either one so you don't have to judge who's at fault while driving) eliminates a part of their after school treat and every 4 minutes of peace adds to it.
Common error: Don't just automatically put it all on the older one. A five year old can provoke an 8 or 9 year old. They should both be able to be kind for ten minutes.
posted by Tim Bucktooth at 7:43 AM on August 14 [13 favorites]