If you could read one book on parenting anxious kids...
March 1, 2023 11:02 PM Subscribe
My kids, 6 & 8, are experiencing some big emotions at the moment and I'm really trying to level up my parenting game. My first stop is usually to read a book, but I am particularly overwhelmed by the sheer number of options out there and already have so little time. I'm really curious to know if there was ONE specific parenting book that you can point to which you found actually changed your approach or gave you some workable tools that you could recommend!
(Firstly just preceding this by explaining that reading is just one tool in the toolbox. I already actively work on this stuff with my partner and in my own therapy, but books are also great!)
Currently I am specifically looking to address two issues currently... The first would be around parenting anxious children in particular. Both my kids are highly sensitive and currently passing through what I would classify as a higher than usual amount of anxiety around things like getting sick or hurt, extreme weather, robbers/intruders, etc. On the surface it's not totally unusual in any way for kids of this age, but it can manifest at times in full-on panic attacks or just protracted negotiations etc.
As someone who has struggled with anxiety myself, I can get really triggered by this dynamic and tend to minimise their feelings or withdraw. I know how I talk about and address their worries and concerns they have is a crucial part of trying to manage this, but I really get lost for words sometimes and fear I might be making it worse.
The second issue which sort of relates to this, is more around the concept of positive parenting, and being authoritative and not authoritarian. I find myself often sliding into the latter, and again, I am trying to get a handle on things and not replay what my own parents did, but again, sometimes in the moment it just happens without any thought and I can feel myself slipping into 'grumpy dad' territory which I absolutely do not want to be in.
The reason I like books is that sometimes with parenting, I find my own emotional radar and intuition to just be so off, or because of my lack of patience I just go with whatever is easiest (like getting angry or shutting down).
For example, it took me a long time to understand how to deal with tantrums, and I found when reading things like Janet Lansbury for example how she clearly modelled how to talk to a child throwing a tantrum I found really helpful as I could directly just mimic those words rather than just revert to my lizard brain and potentially get angry or resist the episode. It felt unnatural at first, but then I found my own way in and was eventually able to improvise with my own kids. I found a similar approach with another parenting book that had things drawn out in comic form. Again super basic, but the fundamentals were there and it just gave me something very simple and direct that I could remember and implement in the heat of the moment.
So yes! If your brain or situation is like mine, and there are any books or approaches that you can clearly say changed your parenting dynamic after reading them or implementing their approach, I would love to know!
Finally just to say I am looking *only* for book recommendations here. I know parenting can be a hot button issue, and there may be other things in my question that prompt other thoughts or discussion, but at the moment I just want to keep the focus on book recommendations please :) Thank you!
(Firstly just preceding this by explaining that reading is just one tool in the toolbox. I already actively work on this stuff with my partner and in my own therapy, but books are also great!)
Currently I am specifically looking to address two issues currently... The first would be around parenting anxious children in particular. Both my kids are highly sensitive and currently passing through what I would classify as a higher than usual amount of anxiety around things like getting sick or hurt, extreme weather, robbers/intruders, etc. On the surface it's not totally unusual in any way for kids of this age, but it can manifest at times in full-on panic attacks or just protracted negotiations etc.
As someone who has struggled with anxiety myself, I can get really triggered by this dynamic and tend to minimise their feelings or withdraw. I know how I talk about and address their worries and concerns they have is a crucial part of trying to manage this, but I really get lost for words sometimes and fear I might be making it worse.
The second issue which sort of relates to this, is more around the concept of positive parenting, and being authoritative and not authoritarian. I find myself often sliding into the latter, and again, I am trying to get a handle on things and not replay what my own parents did, but again, sometimes in the moment it just happens without any thought and I can feel myself slipping into 'grumpy dad' territory which I absolutely do not want to be in.
The reason I like books is that sometimes with parenting, I find my own emotional radar and intuition to just be so off, or because of my lack of patience I just go with whatever is easiest (like getting angry or shutting down).
For example, it took me a long time to understand how to deal with tantrums, and I found when reading things like Janet Lansbury for example how she clearly modelled how to talk to a child throwing a tantrum I found really helpful as I could directly just mimic those words rather than just revert to my lizard brain and potentially get angry or resist the episode. It felt unnatural at first, but then I found my own way in and was eventually able to improvise with my own kids. I found a similar approach with another parenting book that had things drawn out in comic form. Again super basic, but the fundamentals were there and it just gave me something very simple and direct that I could remember and implement in the heat of the moment.
So yes! If your brain or situation is like mine, and there are any books or approaches that you can clearly say changed your parenting dynamic after reading them or implementing their approach, I would love to know!
Finally just to say I am looking *only* for book recommendations here. I know parenting can be a hot button issue, and there may be other things in my question that prompt other thoughts or discussion, but at the moment I just want to keep the focus on book recommendations please :) Thank you!
Best answer: Becoming the Parent You Want To Be was a book I read repeatedly when I suddenly became a parent to children aged 2-12. The advice and ideas in it IMO set a foundation beyond the first five years.
It isn't a how-to book so much as a why do you want to do this, here's what other parents have thoughtfully considered, here's what children experience. It helped me see parenting as an ongoing dialogue with myself and individual children in building skills and relationships. Highly recommended as I have two kids with moderate anxiety, and this has helped a lot.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 1:07 AM on March 2, 2023 [2 favorites]
It isn't a how-to book so much as a why do you want to do this, here's what other parents have thoughtfully considered, here's what children experience. It helped me see parenting as an ongoing dialogue with myself and individual children in building skills and relationships. Highly recommended as I have two kids with moderate anxiety, and this has helped a lot.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 1:07 AM on March 2, 2023 [2 favorites]
Best answer: When the World Feels Like a Scary Place covers the exact scenarios you describe above, with role playing conversations and tips for managing big feelings. I cannot recommend it highly enough.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 2:05 AM on March 2, 2023
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 2:05 AM on March 2, 2023
Best answer: Seconding Adele Faber - as your kids are a bit younger I would also recommend How to Talk so Little Kids will listen - Joanna Faber and Julie King. (Joanna is Adele's daughter).
Similar vein on postive parenting: The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read (and Your Children Will Be Glad That You Did)
- Philippa Perry
These books have those 'scripts' you're looking for. As someone who grew up with parents who did not express emotions well nor encourage us to, these have been invaluable in providing role models to me as a parent.
posted by atlantica at 4:49 AM on March 2, 2023
Similar vein on postive parenting: The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read (and Your Children Will Be Glad That You Did)
- Philippa Perry
These books have those 'scripts' you're looking for. As someone who grew up with parents who did not express emotions well nor encourage us to, these have been invaluable in providing role models to me as a parent.
posted by atlantica at 4:49 AM on March 2, 2023
Best answer: I read all of the anxiety books for parents of anxious children and I don't particularly recommend any of them. I do agree that "How to Talk..." is a helpful book for any type of child.
The book I read that helped my worldview the most in regard to raising an anxious kid was All Joy and No Fun, which is a collection of research and observations about modern parenthood. I found it uncovered some of those unconscious motivations that make parenting anxious kids so stressful.
I also was really struck by one insight about contemporary kids' experience of life - how in past societies, kids were useful members of the family with responsibilities, whether that was going out to milk the cow in the morning or bring in the washing from the drying line. Today's kids are not useful, and that can be anxiety-producing for them.
posted by xo at 5:11 AM on March 2, 2023 [6 favorites]
The book I read that helped my worldview the most in regard to raising an anxious kid was All Joy and No Fun, which is a collection of research and observations about modern parenthood. I found it uncovered some of those unconscious motivations that make parenting anxious kids so stressful.
I also was really struck by one insight about contemporary kids' experience of life - how in past societies, kids were useful members of the family with responsibilities, whether that was going out to milk the cow in the morning or bring in the washing from the drying line. Today's kids are not useful, and that can be anxiety-producing for them.
posted by xo at 5:11 AM on March 2, 2023 [6 favorites]
Best answer: "What to do when you worry too much" (a kids guide to overcoming anxiety) was a great workbook that really gave me as a parent a clear script and consistent approach that helped me tremendously. It's quick and easy to go through and will give you good ideas even if you choose just to read it on your own rather than work through it with your kids.
posted by Ausamor at 6:27 AM on March 2, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by Ausamor at 6:27 AM on March 2, 2023 [2 favorites]
Seconding What to Do When You Worry Too Much
posted by tangosnail at 8:06 AM on March 2, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by tangosnail at 8:06 AM on March 2, 2023 [1 favorite]
Best answer: We also liked reading together What to Do When You Worry Too Much and another book in that series, What to Do When You Feel Too Shy.
For one book with some good ideas for parents, I recommend Best Friends, Worst Enemies: Understanding the Social Lives of Children. The whole concept of not interviewing kids for pain really changed how I talk to my kid about their day. It's not only about anxiety but a lot of kid anxiety can come from their social world.
posted by JuliaKM at 8:27 AM on March 2, 2023 [1 favorite]
For one book with some good ideas for parents, I recommend Best Friends, Worst Enemies: Understanding the Social Lives of Children. The whole concept of not interviewing kids for pain really changed how I talk to my kid about their day. It's not only about anxiety but a lot of kid anxiety can come from their social world.
posted by JuliaKM at 8:27 AM on March 2, 2023 [1 favorite]
Best answer: A bit of an oblique suggestion: Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.
The title gives short shrift—it's not only about the downstream effects of bad parenting—and this will resonate based on your mention not wanting to repeat your parents' less helpful ways of interacting with you. It's helpful to focus on what goes into "emotional maturity" when interacting with your kids, and that means taking stock of the background that you, the parent, bring to the table today from your upbringing. Your lizard brain got more programming from non-evolution processes than most parents (myself included) tend to believe. I wish I'd read this long before I had kids instead of well into my kids' young adulthood.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 9:17 AM on March 2, 2023 [1 favorite]
The title gives short shrift—it's not only about the downstream effects of bad parenting—and this will resonate based on your mention not wanting to repeat your parents' less helpful ways of interacting with you. It's helpful to focus on what goes into "emotional maturity" when interacting with your kids, and that means taking stock of the background that you, the parent, bring to the table today from your upbringing. Your lizard brain got more programming from non-evolution processes than most parents (myself included) tend to believe. I wish I'd read this long before I had kids instead of well into my kids' young adulthood.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 9:17 AM on March 2, 2023 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Freeing Your Child from Anxiety: Practical Strategies to Overcome Fears, Worries, and Phobias and Be Prepared for Life--from Toddlers to Teens
Great general sections as well as very helpful specific chapters for specific forms of anxiety and different situations. Practical advice that addressed all of my "yeah, but what about such-and-such?" questions.
The book also talked about things that parents do which can inadvertently reinforce the child's anxiety. I'd heard that before but hadn't really known what do do about it, how to find a middle ground between being too enabling and pushing too hard. But this book had one suggestion that really resonated for me: to be a "good enough" parent, to consciously just be kinda slow to respond sometimes. And somehow this has given me the "in" that I needed. Instead of "you need to go downstairs in the dark alone to conquer your fears", it's a lot of little "yeah, sorry, I'm too tired tonight to go downstairs and get you a cup of milk. You can do it yourself if you want." Low stakes, low key, and yet it's made a real difference.
posted by wyzewoman at 12:54 PM on March 2, 2023 [1 favorite]
Great general sections as well as very helpful specific chapters for specific forms of anxiety and different situations. Practical advice that addressed all of my "yeah, but what about such-and-such?" questions.
The book also talked about things that parents do which can inadvertently reinforce the child's anxiety. I'd heard that before but hadn't really known what do do about it, how to find a middle ground between being too enabling and pushing too hard. But this book had one suggestion that really resonated for me: to be a "good enough" parent, to consciously just be kinda slow to respond sometimes. And somehow this has given me the "in" that I needed. Instead of "you need to go downstairs in the dark alone to conquer your fears", it's a lot of little "yeah, sorry, I'm too tired tonight to go downstairs and get you a cup of milk. You can do it yourself if you want." Low stakes, low key, and yet it's made a real difference.
posted by wyzewoman at 12:54 PM on March 2, 2023 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Ross W Greene - The Explosive Child - basically transformed our family (for the better :-) ) partly by helping move me away from identifying how I was parented as the ‘right’ way and everything else as indulgence. Provides scripts for exploring strong emotions amongst other things.
posted by melisande at 1:32 PM on March 2, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by melisande at 1:32 PM on March 2, 2023 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I got you!
Breaking free of child anxiety and OCD. A scientifically proven program for parents. By Eli R Leibowitz PhD
Link: here
posted by PistachioRoux at 4:28 PM on March 2, 2023 [1 favorite]
Breaking free of child anxiety and OCD. A scientifically proven program for parents. By Eli R Leibowitz PhD
Link: here
posted by PistachioRoux at 4:28 PM on March 2, 2023 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Seconding The Explosive Child. It was transformative for my family. It doesn't address anxiety itself, rather it tells parents how to not make situations worse, and how to work with kids instead of fighting them.
posted by splitpeasoup at 4:47 PM on March 2, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by splitpeasoup at 4:47 PM on March 2, 2023 [1 favorite]
Best answer: For positive parenting, you want Good Inside book by Dr Becky Kennedy. Note that she also has a podcast, YouTube channel and an online parenting class. She gives specific examples of things you can do to help kids with big feelings in a way that is kind but not permissive.
posted by SyraCarol at 6:57 PM on March 2, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by SyraCarol at 6:57 PM on March 2, 2023 [1 favorite]
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and Elaine Mazlish
Broader than just about anxiety, but the approach is worth trying out for anxiety: validating emotions without indulging or enabling. I found it extremely insightful and helpful, and consider it complementary to the Lansbury.
posted by meijusa at 12:53 AM on March 2, 2023 [10 favorites]