How many first dates before finding the one?
June 30, 2024 4:07 PM Subscribe
A friend who got married said she went on fifty first dates before meeting her husband. How many would you estimate you went on before meeting your life partner?
I'm just gathering data to try to know what to aim for in my own life! I think I need to get more serious about increasing my numbers. I believe it's a game of chance, so it's probably better to increase one's odds.
I'm just gathering data to try to know what to aim for in my own life! I think I need to get more serious about increasing my numbers. I believe it's a game of chance, so it's probably better to increase one's odds.
5ish for me.
My spouse & I met through very early online dating (really online personals) in late college. I didn't date at all in high school, and only started thinking about really wanting to date before junior year in college. Married 20 years.
posted by chiefthe at 4:55 PM on June 30
My spouse & I met through very early online dating (really online personals) in late college. I didn't date at all in high school, and only started thinking about really wanting to date before junior year in college. Married 20 years.
posted by chiefthe at 4:55 PM on June 30
A cishet woman will greatly increase her odds if she requires meaningful effort from men, and does not stop accepting dates with new potential future husbands, until she is genuinely engaged (say, with a wedding date set, etc).
I stayed single until I was engaged at 26, married at 28. He was my 6th serious boyfriend, and at that point, I had gone out on dinner dates with approximately 12 men who had asked me out, over a time period from roughly 1993-2001. Two prior boyfriends had proposed (non-credibly, after the 1 cheated, and the other was merely a shut up ring deal to string me along). I met my first husband as friends in 1997, but we weren’t both single until 2001 - he asked me out immediately when I dumped shut up ring dude.
After my first husband walked out 15 years later, I got divorced at 41, and from 2017-present (with a 4-year total break from in-person dating due to Covid) I have gone on dinner dates with approximately 9 men who have asked me out and/or mutual friends fixed us up. There is one man who is a friend who I could see eventually growing in love with and making my 2nd husband in a few years, when our 3 teenagers between us all graduate high school.
Tl;dr Friends can turn into husbands, especially if they watch you date other men.
posted by edithkeeler at 5:09 PM on June 30 [3 favorites]
I stayed single until I was engaged at 26, married at 28. He was my 6th serious boyfriend, and at that point, I had gone out on dinner dates with approximately 12 men who had asked me out, over a time period from roughly 1993-2001. Two prior boyfriends had proposed (non-credibly, after the 1 cheated, and the other was merely a shut up ring deal to string me along). I met my first husband as friends in 1997, but we weren’t both single until 2001 - he asked me out immediately when I dumped shut up ring dude.
After my first husband walked out 15 years later, I got divorced at 41, and from 2017-present (with a 4-year total break from in-person dating due to Covid) I have gone on dinner dates with approximately 9 men who have asked me out and/or mutual friends fixed us up. There is one man who is a friend who I could see eventually growing in love with and making my 2nd husband in a few years, when our 3 teenagers between us all graduate high school.
Tl;dr Friends can turn into husbands, especially if they watch you date other men.
posted by edithkeeler at 5:09 PM on June 30 [3 favorites]
Zero. I don't think I've ever been on a normal date like what you see on TV.
posted by The corpse in the library at 5:39 PM on June 30 [16 favorites]
posted by The corpse in the library at 5:39 PM on June 30 [16 favorites]
I’ve only ever been on two dates. Both with the person who is my life partner. And we put scare quotes around “date.” We were really just hanging out before getting serious. I don’t understand formal dates, and hope never to need to.
posted by jimfl at 5:46 PM on June 30 [5 favorites]
posted by jimfl at 5:46 PM on June 30 [5 favorites]
Second marriage, in ninth year or so of it, now. Spouse was the third person from OK Cupid I met with in person, and I think the fourth such meetup at all.
I have to think there are other variables worth factoring in--we were both in our 40s when we met, and as such had relatively solid ideas about what we did and did not want.
posted by german_bight at 5:51 PM on June 30 [1 favorite]
I have to think there are other variables worth factoring in--we were both in our 40s when we met, and as such had relatively solid ideas about what we did and did not want.
posted by german_bight at 5:51 PM on June 30 [1 favorite]
A rough count after scrolling through my phone's contact list would suggest about 40-45 for me. Most of these first dates were from apps, some people I'd met in person or known for a while. I'm a millennial woman, I've lived in mid-size to large cities for my entire adulthood, and was 30 when I met my husband. In my circle, my dating experience was not atypical.
posted by rabbitbookworm at 5:53 PM on June 30
posted by rabbitbookworm at 5:53 PM on June 30
About 20-25
posted by CMcG at 5:56 PM on June 30 [1 favorite]
posted by CMcG at 5:56 PM on June 30 [1 favorite]
Perhaps relevant to your "game of chance" theory, I did a Year of Yes in my late 20s where I went out with anyone (any gender) who asked and anyone I was set up with unless I had The Ick about them. This resulted in probably half a dozen first dates over the course of a year.
My now-husband was a friendly coworker who watched me day-to-night my outfits and head off to several of these first dates from the office. We got together a few weeks after the Year of Yes ended. I still think this means the experiment was successful.
posted by LadyInWaiting at 6:01 PM on June 30 [4 favorites]
My now-husband was a friendly coworker who watched me day-to-night my outfits and head off to several of these first dates from the office. We got together a few weeks after the Year of Yes ended. I still think this means the experiment was successful.
posted by LadyInWaiting at 6:01 PM on June 30 [4 favorites]
I could waffle about exactly what to consider a date, but at any rate it wouldn't be more than ten and probably more like five. Most of those pre-online dating, two or three in the early days of online dating, where I met my now-partner of 24 years.
No idea how or if that's any use in calibrating for today's dating world. I can say that my friends (all one flavor of queer or another) who are actively looking for partners seem to go on maybe a handful of dates per year. Mostly apps, occasionally someone met through friends.
posted by Stacey at 7:09 PM on June 30
No idea how or if that's any use in calibrating for today's dating world. I can say that my friends (all one flavor of queer or another) who are actively looking for partners seem to go on maybe a handful of dates per year. Mostly apps, occasionally someone met through friends.
posted by Stacey at 7:09 PM on June 30
I’m 43. I got married at 24, divorced at 28, and remarried at 33. I also broke off an engagement between my first and second marriages. All together, I’d say I went on 25-ish first dates.
posted by kate blank at 7:29 PM on June 30 [1 favorite]
posted by kate blank at 7:29 PM on June 30 [1 favorite]
No real official first dates, until I met my now husband. Guessing, things that weren't flagged as dates but possibly were (like my friend asking me to senior prom) 3??
In my circles there's a lot of hanging out in groups before official first dates.
posted by freethefeet at 8:06 PM on June 30
In my circles there's a lot of hanging out in groups before official first dates.
posted by freethefeet at 8:06 PM on June 30
My friend (cis/het/female) went on somewhere between 60 and 80 first dates in one year looking for a husband. This was around 2017, using Bumble in Washington DC. She's been happily married since 2018.
I (also cis/het/female), on the other hand, have been on about 10 First Dates in the last 15 years, and have not found a long-term partner. Online dating has been pretty terrible for me. Maybe it is a numbers game, but I don't like talking to multiple guys at once or going on more than one First Date a week. I've been thinking about trying one of the new speed dating things I've been reading about online, since apparently, I am not the only person over the apps.
posted by DEiBnL13 at 9:05 PM on June 30
I (also cis/het/female), on the other hand, have been on about 10 First Dates in the last 15 years, and have not found a long-term partner. Online dating has been pretty terrible for me. Maybe it is a numbers game, but I don't like talking to multiple guys at once or going on more than one First Date a week. I've been thinking about trying one of the new speed dating things I've been reading about online, since apparently, I am not the only person over the apps.
posted by DEiBnL13 at 9:05 PM on June 30
I don't really do "the one" as I'm poly, but I'd say on average it takes 5-10 first dates to find a good match (someone I want to keep in my life for a long time). However, I'm looking for a very particular kind of person, so I vet HEAVILY on dating apps and in my social circles.
For every date I go on, I've probably struck up conversation with five people and swiped right on fifty more. This strategy works because I know what I'm looking for! When I was young, I went on dozens of random dates to get a feel for my dating pool. That helped me hone my radar.
It also depends on location. Sometimes you're just stuck in a crappy place with few good choices. If that's the case, you need to move on out or set your trawling far and wide! (Nothing like looking for lesbian love in Kansas to convince you that yes, it is worth driving six hours in your pickup truck to have coffee with a cutie across state lines.)
posted by lloquat at 12:26 AM on July 1 [2 favorites]
For every date I go on, I've probably struck up conversation with five people and swiped right on fifty more. This strategy works because I know what I'm looking for! When I was young, I went on dozens of random dates to get a feel for my dating pool. That helped me hone my radar.
It also depends on location. Sometimes you're just stuck in a crappy place with few good choices. If that's the case, you need to move on out or set your trawling far and wide! (Nothing like looking for lesbian love in Kansas to convince you that yes, it is worth driving six hours in your pickup truck to have coffee with a cutie across state lines.)
posted by lloquat at 12:26 AM on July 1 [2 favorites]
I dated four people total after deciding in earnest that I wanted to date in the hope of meeting a future long-term partner.
I dated one person I met online casually (three dates, knew on date two that it wasn't going to work out and knew for certain after date three that I needed to call it off), then I dated a coworker for about fourteen months (knew two months in that it wasn't viable but persisted for a full additional year due to stubbornness/fantasising/feeling awkward about breaking up with a coworker), then I went on two dates with someone else I met online after that relatonship broke up (knew on date two it wasn't going to work out and turned down a third date), then the next person I went on a date with was my partner of nearly 11 years (felt good about things by date two and knew the whole idea had serious legs by date three; we moved in together six months later and have lived together ever since).
I feel like I got ridiculously lucky, basically. I grew up in the era of peak Bridget Jones and assumed I would be single and unhappy about it well into my 30s. I never imagined for a second that I'd meet someone who's a long-term very good fit for me a mere two days after I turned 24.
In case it's relevant, I was woman-presenting at the time of the dating and am now nonbinary/transmasc, and could not be more delighted that my relationship has survived my transition (and has even grown stronger because of it). The fact that my partner was attracted to people across the gender presentation spectrum before we met definitely helped with that.
posted by terretu at 1:55 AM on July 1 [2 favorites]
I dated one person I met online casually (three dates, knew on date two that it wasn't going to work out and knew for certain after date three that I needed to call it off), then I dated a coworker for about fourteen months (knew two months in that it wasn't viable but persisted for a full additional year due to stubbornness/fantasising/feeling awkward about breaking up with a coworker), then I went on two dates with someone else I met online after that relatonship broke up (knew on date two it wasn't going to work out and turned down a third date), then the next person I went on a date with was my partner of nearly 11 years (felt good about things by date two and knew the whole idea had serious legs by date three; we moved in together six months later and have lived together ever since).
I feel like I got ridiculously lucky, basically. I grew up in the era of peak Bridget Jones and assumed I would be single and unhappy about it well into my 30s. I never imagined for a second that I'd meet someone who's a long-term very good fit for me a mere two days after I turned 24.
In case it's relevant, I was woman-presenting at the time of the dating and am now nonbinary/transmasc, and could not be more delighted that my relationship has survived my transition (and has even grown stronger because of it). The fact that my partner was attracted to people across the gender presentation spectrum before we met definitely helped with that.
posted by terretu at 1:55 AM on July 1 [2 favorites]
Previously. One of my favorites - full of “friends-to-spouses” data points for you to enjoy!
posted by edithkeeler at 7:13 AM on July 1
posted by edithkeeler at 7:13 AM on July 1
For some reason guys don’t ask me out, or maybe only the creepy ones do. So I have asked maybe five guys out on a date, got rejected by two, until I was about late 20s, and married the last one.
I know other women who get asked out on dates regularly, but that doesn’t apply to me. I don’t think I ever been on a ‘normal’ date where someone asks me out and I accept. I have only ever hung out with people, maybe asked some, and then relationship and marriage.
posted by moiraine at 7:18 AM on July 1
I know other women who get asked out on dates regularly, but that doesn’t apply to me. I don’t think I ever been on a ‘normal’ date where someone asks me out and I accept. I have only ever hung out with people, maybe asked some, and then relationship and marriage.
posted by moiraine at 7:18 AM on July 1
I had two real boyfriends and a handful of situationships, one of which was a Whole Thing, but I'm not confident I ever went on a "date"? Maybe one, with that first boyfriend when I was 15. (But I also met my husband at 20 and got married at 26, so not like, a ton of time for dating.)
posted by goodbyewaffles at 7:37 AM on July 1
posted by goodbyewaffles at 7:37 AM on July 1
Maybe 20 dates, but most of those were from a personals ad I placed in the mid-1990s (before online dating became a big thing). I've been on very few dates with people I met in real life. With my spouse, we met at work and never really went on a date per se.
posted by alex1965 at 7:50 AM on July 1
posted by alex1965 at 7:50 AM on July 1
Zero, since dates with the one you marry don't appear to count.
posted by demi-octopus at 1:11 PM on July 1
posted by demi-octopus at 1:11 PM on July 1
I dated online for 7 or 8 years (going on multiple dates per month, and sometimes multiple per week -- at least 100 first dates, with a handful going on to second or more dates) before I met my now-husband through friends.
posted by cider at 2:27 PM on July 1
posted by cider at 2:27 PM on July 1
10ish? But this in the pre-app 90s, when who you could date was limited to who you got introduced to IRL, and I wasn’t very focused on dating for long swaths of time.
OP - in a sense it is a game of numbers and chance, but in another sense it really isn’t. Be honest and practical about what you want, and very intentional about where and how you go about it.
posted by MattD at 4:03 AM on July 2 [1 favorite]
OP - in a sense it is a game of numbers and chance, but in another sense it really isn’t. Be honest and practical about what you want, and very intentional about where and how you go about it.
posted by MattD at 4:03 AM on July 2 [1 favorite]
The maths of this is called "The Secretary Problem" so, while USA men are notably terrible and allowed to be terrible, there's a probability that your last date was the best builds over time .
This ignores what you learn from first dates about what you want, and what you learn about reading people or finding someone you can -- if not partner in crime, then someone to be in cahoots with.
These days you're not expected to get it right first time, it's even okay to get it wrong and learn from that. Have fun and good luck!
posted by k3ninho at 1:49 PM on July 2 [1 favorite]
This ignores what you learn from first dates about what you want, and what you learn about reading people or finding someone you can -- if not partner in crime, then someone to be in cahoots with.
These days you're not expected to get it right first time, it's even okay to get it wrong and learn from that. Have fun and good luck!
posted by k3ninho at 1:49 PM on July 2 [1 favorite]
Zero. I prefer to go on dates after I’ve already moved in with someone. Really!
posted by aspersioncast at 9:01 PM on July 2
posted by aspersioncast at 9:01 PM on July 2
I didn't go on a traditional date until I was in my 30's and divorced from my first husband. Previous partners were all guys I met at school or through friends and acquaintances, and sort of morphed from hanging out into more without any official dates.
It wasn't until my divorce that I tried dating apps. Matched with a ton of dudes, had text convos that fizzed out with a couple dozen... I probably only went on 3 or 4 dates before I met my husband.
posted by keep it under cover at 4:35 PM on July 4
It wasn't until my divorce that I tried dating apps. Matched with a ton of dudes, had text convos that fizzed out with a couple dozen... I probably only went on 3 or 4 dates before I met my husband.
posted by keep it under cover at 4:35 PM on July 4
« Older Do you have a source for reliable nutrition info... | Looking for nice washable placemats Newer »
You are not logged in, either login or create an account to post comments
posted by warriorqueen at 4:48 PM on June 30