Why did he not respond after our first date and what should I do?

June 17, 2015 2:51 AM

I went on a first date with a guy I met on a dating website, we got on really well and I thought everything was great. I haven't heard from him since and now I am struggling to stop thinking about him. Any help on what I should do?

I met this guy on online dating website and we started talking quite a bit. To be honest I am a really busy person and have found that in the last couple of years I haven’t been all that interested in dating, I’ve used the site a couple of times and been on a couple of dates but my hearts not been in and never really taken things further.

Well this guy started off as usual although something about him peaked my interested, he seems to have a lot of things going on, was intelligent and funny. We were talking for ages almost every day (I have not don’t this in such a long time). I felt like a school girl again. He told me last time he had spoken to someone like this it had been his ex-gf. He also said he wanted kids and marriage, was a hopeless romantic.

He told me his ex- broke up with him because she got really ill and mentioned how they didn’t stop loving each other until the end( bit of a red flag). But Tbh there were some other red flags he said I seemed too career driven but he was still interested and he got a bit jealous when I went out for dinner with some friends (this was 2days in).

I cancelled our first meet-up as I had a sudden meeting come up but he waited patiently another week. It felt like we had known each other for ages and I was so excited about our first date, which no longer felt like a first date….. When I finally did meet him it was great we got really well, we chatted a lot he gave me so many signs that he liked me. There was lot of alcohol and then… I ended up missing the last train home. I did suggest that I could get a hotel but neither of us wanted the date to end so we ended up back at his and we did have sex. To be clear this is not my usual MO and my first dates usually don’t end like this, but I felt so relaxed and happy that in the end I thought this would be ok. He was also very cuddly and happy, he told me that the last time this had happened to him and he had ended up in a long term relationship with the girl.

I still felt a bit apprehensive that we had rushed things but thought let’s wait and see what happens, as much as I would like to I can’t take back time. When I got home he said ‘hi’ to me on fb and talked briefly but his tone had changed. He then didn’t get in touch with me for again. I sent him a message on Monday, saying he hows it going? I did get a bit needy and say ‘would you like to see me again, honesty is always best ;)’ He said yes but that was it and then said he was busy at work at couldn’t talk (although it hadn’t been a problem before). He hasn’t spoken to me since although we are still facebook friends.

I can’t stop thinking about him and don’t know what to do, I am mean is it too difficult to say ‘ hey I had a good time but I don’t think we are right for each other’ rather than leaving me in limbo. I actually feel quite hurt and gutted that they first time I genuinely like a guy it ended like this. Should I ask him what happened or just leave it? And how do I get him out of my head?

Saying that doing a bit of digging it looks like he was lying to me about his job, so maybe there were other untruths.

posted by artystar to Human Relations (30 answers total)

Leave it. Go full no contact. Delete any contact info you have and block him on the dating site. No good will come of trying to get in touch with him.
posted by fluffy battle kitten at 3:13 AM on June 17, 2015 [15 favorites]

You're overthinking this. Move on. He knows how to contact you and hasn't.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 3:14 AM on June 17, 2015 [7 favorites]

He's just not that into you, for whatever reason, and is too gutless to be honest. Forget about him.

What I recommend for any future adventures in online dating is to not chat/message/email too much before meeting up in person. Limit online contact to roughly 6 messages and then meet in person, so that you can see whether you actually hit it off. Otherwise you're creating a giant fantasy in your head about how amazing this person is, even though you don't really know him.
posted by kinddieserzeit at 3:14 AM on June 17, 2015 [20 favorites]

I think it's time to let this one go, especially given the red flags that you mentioned (he left his girlfriend because she was sick? He got jealous over you meeting friends when the two of you had never met before?). Let your emotions run their course, but this isn't a man that you want in your life.
posted by Enchanting Grasshopper at 3:15 AM on June 17, 2015 [13 favorites]

The guy you thought you like doesn't exist in reality. You already found evidence he lied about his job so there were for sure other lies.
posted by fluffy battle kitten at 3:15 AM on June 17, 2015 [11 favorites]

I actually feel quite hurt and gutted that they first time I genuinely like a guy it ended like this.

Don't - see it as proof that fun dates and exciting people exist out there, you just found one who was kind of a dick (I've been there and I got a bit needy too before I realised, this is not what the start of a good relationship feels like).

You say in your first paragraph that you've "not been that interested in dating". Well, don't see this as proof that it sucks, use it as proof that you can have a fun night with a fun guy, if you decide you want to. And if no-strings sex isn't what you want, then just be more firm with yourself on your boundaries next time.
posted by greenish at 3:25 AM on June 17, 2015 [5 favorites]

"I sent him a message on Monday"

To clarify - how long ago did you send this message? Are you talking about Monday June 15th, or was this more than a week ago?
posted by mistersix at 3:40 AM on June 17, 2015

Response by poster: The message was sent to him on Monday June 15th our date was on the 12th, and maybe it was all a bit soon after our first date. But in my past experience if a guy is into you he will get back to you almost straight away after a date. I don't know he is always of FB and whatsapp but just not talking to me which is so different from before when he couldnt leave me alone.

I know I just need to move on from this, but is there an easy way to do it? This is why i've tried not to get too emotionally involved in the past, but I cant carry on that way.
posted by artystar at 3:47 AM on June 17, 2015

I find the quickest way to forget one guy (including promising first dates) is another (or failing that, a creative project, travel, new experiences and/or relentless masturbation featuring anybody other than the other guy I'm trying not to think about).

Also, even though no contact is currently the etiquette for not seeing someone again (has been explained to me, here, that them having to explain is them having to reject me etc) , I like to think of these people as not suitable for me, and then imagine all kinds of nasty faults based on limited information.

So, this guy, I'd be thinking, "meh, he's a player, who will say anything to get the sale. Lies. Untrustworthy. Can't be bothered to contact he and put me out of my mystery /misery (the typo stands), therefore unkind. Jealous so soon, a psychopath. Boy, dodged a bucket (bullet) there."
posted by b33j at 3:55 AM on June 17, 2015 [4 favorites]

You're probably feeling this way because this guy came on way too strong. It's probably for the best that he's leaving you alone. He does not sound like a good guy regardless of what your feelings are telling you.
posted by chaiminda at 4:10 AM on June 17, 2015 [1 favorite]

We don't know what's going on with this guy, and it's possible he meant the things he said, when he said them. So, you don't have to assume he was just using you and it was all lies. Maybe the connection you felt was something genuine.

That being said, it sounds like he's cooled off now, for whatever reason. Maybe he'll come around later today, all smiles. But I doubt it. (And the thing about him being jealous of you having dinner with friends, two days after he met you, that is a genuine red flag. If he does come around again, I would hesitate to jump on that train.)

You're not the first person to ever have an awesome first date, only for the person to then turn weird and distant on you. The red flag stuff you mentioned suggests this guy has real issues, so who the hell knows what's going on with him? Maybe he's doing some awful pickup artist mindgame deal, trying to make you crazy by being distant. Maybe he hates himself, and he's disgusted with any woman who could be with him. Maybe he's married. Maybe he's gay, and you were an experiment during a period of confusion. Maybe he was an alien, sent here to compile a report on human females, and his assignment on Earth ended so he beamed back to Remulak. Whatever it is, it's probably nothing good.

It hurts and it sucks, but it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you or that you can't find something real and lasting with somebody else.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 4:11 AM on June 17, 2015 [3 favorites]

Response by poster: Yeah I guess in some ways I should just be happy I only wasted one night with him, and saved myself future heartache.

I think it's disrespectful and rude when people don't have the courage to say I'm not into you. If you can have sex with me then you can at least do that. I should take it as a reflection on his character. I guess I'm just disappointed.. More than anything.

Should I text him and say anything?
posted by artystar at 4:29 AM on June 17, 2015

No, don't text him again. Delete his number. If for some reason he contacts you again in the future, ignore him. He sounds like someone you can't trust.
posted by kinddieserzeit at 4:32 AM on June 17, 2015 [13 favorites]

I had some awesome wisdom from a hairdresser when I cut off my long hair at the end of a fling. That guy loved the long hair. I said to my hairdresser, I should send him a lock (subtext:so he can see it's all GONE!). She said, "uh uh. Don't give anything to anyone who's not giving back, not your hair, not your time, not your thoughts."

So, no. He missed out. You moved on. It was nothing to you. He was nothing to you.
posted by b33j at 4:50 AM on June 17, 2015 [31 favorites]

Should I text him and say anything?

This guy knows what he did. Texting him and telling him he's an asshole will not cause the scales to fall from his eyes and for him to treat women better in the future forevermore. Just delete his contact info and move on.
posted by Etrigan at 4:54 AM on June 17, 2015 [20 favorites]

I know I just need to move on from this, but is there an easy way to do it? This is why i've tried not to get too emotionally involved in the past, but I cant carry on that way.

artystar you are suffering from what economists call an "endowment syndrome". That is to say you have invested something in this - however small - and it's your own investment which gives this thing any value at all to you.

Sell your shares, take the loss, and invest hopefully more wisely in the future, keeping in mind that most (emotional) investments like this go bust and it only takes one to really pay off.
posted by three blind mice at 5:03 AM on June 17, 2015 [2 favorites]

I think it's disrespectful and rude when people don't have the courage to say I'm not into you. If you can have sex with me then you can at least do that. I should take it as a reflection on his character.

Maybe so... but it's also really, really normal for people to do this. In fact, lots of people would rather be on the receiving end of a disappearing act than hear a blunt "sorry, I'm not interested." There's no commonly accepted etiquette for ending things after one or two dates, and a lot of people respond to "sorry, no" with "but what did I do??" or "yeah well I didn't like you either, you fuckhead" instead of "oh, well, best of luck" - so disappearing often seems like the safest and kindest option. Your expectations here are not unusual, but they're far from universal.

Anyway. Everything you described is pretty common - which doesn't make it hurt less right now, but it's not your fault and not something you could have prevented. Get angry now if it helps you, but don't carry that anger around; it won't protect you from future heartache. Don't overanalyze and dig for what went wrong or why this guy is actually super awful; you'll just be poking at a wound that can heal on its own if you leave it alone. Go no-contact, including unfriending him on Facebook, and distract yourself with interesting non-datey stuff. The only thing you can really take away from this is that it happens and it really hurts. Trying to avoid or prevent it rarely works and often makes things worse.
posted by Metroid Baby at 5:34 AM on June 17, 2015 [4 favorites]

This is why i've tried not to get too emotionally involved in the past, but I cant carry on that way.

--Meet in person earlier, rather than later (i.e. the first date should feel like a first date--emails and texts are no barometer of anything with someone you haven't spent time with in person, and even then there are dicey moments). I have a policy of not texting back and forth, at all, with someone I haven't met yet, and am reluctant to engage like this (daily??) even after a first date or two. I give my phone # after we've made the date, just so we can text about I AM LATE or I AM SITTING IN THE BACK

--If sex comes with feelings of friendship for you, much less greater intimacy, wait a bit until you have a better sense of someone. This is absolutely not judging you or anyone else! But ask yourself with someone you've just met, "Am I in the headspace where it won't make me feel terrible if we have sex on the first/second date and I never hear from them again, or they turn out to be a jerk with much different values, etc.?" Your answer may be different each time depending on the individual, the month, the year, the rain in Spain, etc.

--Don't "put out" emotional involvement until much further along than a first meeting, regardless of whether you are physically intimate.

You learned important information here about yourself and what you do or don't want, so this wasn't a loss, and you're even more prepared than you were before to dive back in the dating pool. (Which is often about these kinds of bruising encounters in between what keeps people going back.)
posted by blue suede stockings at 5:39 AM on June 17, 2015 [8 favorites]

Just write this guy off. You dodged a bullet. Go online and read about guys who seemed incredible and turned out to be criminals or have families on the side or whatever. There's even a show called "Who the Bleep Did I Marry?"

There are some people who are extremely charismatic and know just what you want to hear. They mean none of it, but they're just very good at picking out what women want to hear. It's scary.

Block this guy. And it's okay to make dating mistakes. Better you slept with him sooner rather than later so you didn't invest any additional time with him.
posted by discopolo at 7:17 AM on June 17, 2015

The message was sent to him on Monday June 15th our date was on the 12th

I wouldn't view this as long enough to start panicking yet. I tend to sleep very poorly when I first start sleeping (in the literal sense) with someone new and combined with a lot of alcohol, that could leave me feeling pretty off for a day or two. And sometimes work does just go crazy.

Or he could be a jerk. But I'd still give it a few more days before writing it off.
posted by Candleman at 7:23 AM on June 17, 2015 [2 favorites]

Evan Marc Katz (evanmarckatz.com) addresses these sorts of topics (online dating, first dates, men's behavior) in detail, you might find it helpful. I know some people won't agree with everything he says but he argues that in general, if a man is interested, he will pursue you (via setting up dates, emailing, calling). You've shown your interest, so now it's on the guy to set up another date if he's interested.

I would unfriend him and stop digging for info. You feel hurt and I would let yourself feel the hurt for a few days before dusting yourself off and moving forward. I am wary of men who offer so much information/such detailed stories about their past before a first date.
posted by lafemma at 7:41 AM on June 17, 2015

I say forget this guy. I feel like if he were excited to see you again, he would have responded somehow by now. I think you value directness in your communication, and for that reason alone I don't think this guy measures up.
posted by fanta_orange at 7:45 AM on June 17, 2015

Response by poster: Yeah witchen you are so right. I think I am being blinded by my emotions. I also missed the bit where he said he wanted children in two years and he wasn't sure if I was the type to do that. He thought I would put my career before a potential relationship. He also invited me travelling round Europe- and all before we met. At the time I thought it was a joke and laughed it off... But he said it a few times.

He told me before becoming a teacher he lectured at university- but there is no evidence of this! He has no PhD or published work so how you can lecture in a top uni in London, I don't know.

He also talked a lot about his ex and how amazing she was.

Wow as I write this I am realising how bad I am at picking men. My last bf was controlling... Not sure why or how I do it!
posted by artystar at 8:24 AM on June 17, 2015 [1 favorite]

By the way, he might be a psychopath. be careful if he contacts you again with excuses.
posted by discopolo at 9:05 AM on June 17, 2015 [1 favorite]

This happens to just about everyone--don't feel alone at all. There are ways to avoid this somewhat in the future without becoming a hermit. As already said, don't get into long term email and texting communication with someone before you meet them, keep that brief and non-emotional. You're just getting to know a guy and you don't want to start getting attached before you meet, and you really don't have to. Also, don't drink on first or even second dates, especially with guys you haven't met nor know any of their friends. Save the drinking for when you are with your friends or when you are at home safe and sound and have some nice music playing. Drinking really affects people's judgement in a very bad way, as in making one feel the stranger they had sex with is their soul mate. Don't feel guilty, you did nothing wrong! It may help to get over him by thinking about the future bf who will be in touch with you daily and not making you feel like shit.
posted by waving at 10:22 AM on June 17, 2015 [1 favorite]

Um yeah the "lecturer at a top London university" with no qualifications or publications is definitely a load of rubbish.

I think he isn't contacting you because he's told you a complete pack of lies, and if he carries on seeing you you'll find out what a liar he is and dump him anyway. I guess he's a fantastist, and meeting you IRL made it all a bit too real.
posted by tinkletown at 12:38 PM on June 17, 2015 [2 favorites]

I'm sorry, but he's just not that into you.

For some reason, and I say this because I've seen it with my single friends time and time again, men will be very interested but if you have sex with them on a first date, forget it. They are done. I can't explain it, just how it seems to always play out.

Either way, he doesn't sound that great, so say good riddance and better luck next time!
posted by Georgia Is All Out Of Smokes at 5:46 PM on June 17, 2015

For some reason, and I say this because I've seen it with my single friends time and time again, men will be very interested but if you have sex with them on a first date, forget it. They are done. I can't explain it, just how it seems to always play out.

In my personal and extensive experience, this has not been the case. The reason this guy ghosted is because he's a creep, not because of any decision you made about when to have sex with him. I've dated many fellas who stuck around for months or years after I slept with them on the first date. Basically until I kicked them to the curb.

Hypothetically, if he were to've disappeared because you had sex on the first date, that's not the kind of backwards ass gender bullshit you want to associate with anyway. Right?
posted by The Noble Goofy Elk at 8:22 PM on June 17, 2015 [1 favorite]

"He told me his ex- broke up with him because she got really ill and mentioned how they didn’t stop loving each other until the end( bit of a red flag). But Tbh there were some other red flags he said I seemed too career driven but he was still interested and he got a bit jealous when I went out for dinner with some friends (this was 2days in)."

"Too career driven?" Holy hell -- fuck that crazy-ass noise! The real question is not: Why did he not respond after our first date? It's after he said those odd things, why did you agree to go on a date with him in the first place? Eh, I get it. We've all done it. The good news is: bullet dodged! (And you know you pretty much answered your own question here.) We get better at red-flag spotting and kicking them to the curb with age and experience. Next time you'll know exactly when to hit the eject button. And I hope you stay career driven!
posted by hush at 10:27 AM on June 18, 2015 [1 favorite]

It really shouldn't be too difficult to say "hey I had a good time but I don’t think we are right for each other" but most people are too gutless. They hope that if they are polite and noncommittal enough eventually you will go away. Some people will even shag you because they don't want the awkwardness of turning someone down. The bottom line is, if he wanted a repeat performance, he'd be contacting you to set one up. On the plus side, he sounds well dodgy anyway so you had a lucky escape.
posted by intensitymultiply at 2:16 PM on June 18, 2015