How do my spouse and I take care of each other during dual crises?
May 22, 2024 6:40 PM Subscribe
Through some recent hard times, I’ve found the concept of “comfort in, dump out” to be massively helpful. And in the last few months, I’ve been in the middle of the circle, with very strong support from my spouse. Now he is entering a very similar crisis, while I still struggle with the day-to-day. Please help me navigate this. (Content note: parental death)
In February, my father died after a very late cancer diagnosis (diagnosed about five days before he died). Now, about three months later, my husband’s mother is in a very similar situation, from the same cancer, and is expected to die in the next day or so.
My husband has been extraordinarily supportive of me during this time. We live on the other side of the world from our families, and he held down the fort when I flew home on 12 hours notice and was away for several weeks. Once I came back, he took close care of me and, in a way, our marriage has never been better.
Last week he had to make the same journey home, on the same timeline, and we’ll be apart for some time.
Three months in I am just starting to function well in the day-to-day. My grief still looms very large, and though I have good support from friends, I’ve leaned on my marriage and my beloved partner for comfort. The last week has been incredibly difficult as I try to manage on my own. I don’t know how I’ll have the strength to support him now, in the way he was there for me. I’m also heartbroken watching him go through the steps I walked just a few months ago, though I know each situation, and each grief, is different.
I have a therapist and am trying to see her soon, but it will likely be a fortnight before I can get in.
I don’t know exactly what I’m asking here, maybe just for words of wisdom from people who have been in similar situations. How can I be there for my partner while I still need so much myself?
In February, my father died after a very late cancer diagnosis (diagnosed about five days before he died). Now, about three months later, my husband’s mother is in a very similar situation, from the same cancer, and is expected to die in the next day or so.
My husband has been extraordinarily supportive of me during this time. We live on the other side of the world from our families, and he held down the fort when I flew home on 12 hours notice and was away for several weeks. Once I came back, he took close care of me and, in a way, our marriage has never been better.
Last week he had to make the same journey home, on the same timeline, and we’ll be apart for some time.
Three months in I am just starting to function well in the day-to-day. My grief still looms very large, and though I have good support from friends, I’ve leaned on my marriage and my beloved partner for comfort. The last week has been incredibly difficult as I try to manage on my own. I don’t know how I’ll have the strength to support him now, in the way he was there for me. I’m also heartbroken watching him go through the steps I walked just a few months ago, though I know each situation, and each grief, is different.
I have a therapist and am trying to see her soon, but it will likely be a fortnight before I can get in.
I don’t know exactly what I’m asking here, maybe just for words of wisdom from people who have been in similar situations. How can I be there for my partner while I still need so much myself?
Best answer: My husband and I lost our first child so we were both devastated. She was just newborn, so our experiences were also pretty different because I had the whole physical recovery, but also had the maternity part of parental leave.
Anyways the short answer is: imperfectly. Just like life. We did our best. Sometimes it was not enough but we made it through anyway. It was messy.
The longer answer is - look for friends and other supports (bereavement supports.) Plan to be gentle - book easy low-stakes holidays and breaks, get healthy meal delivery, do cosy stuff. Move your bodies when possible. You won’t always understand what each other is feeling, and you definitely won’t understand what each other is doing all the time, but you will profoundly understand loss. And give yourselves and each other grace.
posted by warriorqueen at 3:22 AM on May 23 [10 favorites]
Anyways the short answer is: imperfectly. Just like life. We did our best. Sometimes it was not enough but we made it through anyway. It was messy.
The longer answer is - look for friends and other supports (bereavement supports.) Plan to be gentle - book easy low-stakes holidays and breaks, get healthy meal delivery, do cosy stuff. Move your bodies when possible. You won’t always understand what each other is feeling, and you definitely won’t understand what each other is doing all the time, but you will profoundly understand loss. And give yourselves and each other grace.
posted by warriorqueen at 3:22 AM on May 23 [10 favorites]
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don’t know how I’ll have the strength to support him now, in the way he was there for me.
That's okay. Relationships are give-and-take. Even, or perhaps especially(?), in good relationships this sometimes happens in unequal measures. That's actually kinda wonderful. You don't have to always be on. If that were so, you'd be a server in a datacenter.
This is only extraordinarily tangentially connected, if that, but there's a lovely little book I wouldn't necessarily recommend to you for your troubles. I just mentioned equal measures and thought of it: An Equal Music. Lovely book.
What were we talking about?
How can I be there for my partner while I still need so much myself?
Ah, yes.
He cares about you. You are. there for him. If either/both of you feels like it might be helpful, you could try couples therapy. Talk about it?
in a way, our marriage has never been better
you can still talk about it. A couples therapist will be able to explore the nuances of y'all's situation better than we can typing into the internet.
Now he is entering a very similar crisis, while I still struggle with the day-to-day. ...
The last week has been incredibly difficult as I try to manage on my own.
just thinking about this again: you're doing great! He knows what you've been through, likely better than anyone else.
You've been through a journey, a labyrinth of sorts, he's about to enter. You have a sense of what he might be feeling at various moments. That you are doing well, farther along the path, can be an inspiration for him. Sympathize, be compassionate, and keep taking care of yourself.
posted by HearHere at 9:40 PM on May 22 [4 favorites]