Help coping with divorcing a partner who has gone to jail
February 2, 2017 8:48 AM Subscribe
My spouse is in jail and I need help coping with emotional and logistical questions. Definitely a snowflake.
We are in a hetero 30s relationship with a child younger than six months and my partner of four years is in jail. It is unfortunately not the first time. The first time resulted in probation and the current problem comes as quite a shock as he complied with his terms except for a lapse in judgment due to a learning disability. Both occasions are due to cognitive impairment on his part which led to ignoring important details related to his freedom. This combined with a lifetime of terrible luck and he is awaiting transport to the local jurisdiction.
I am exhausted. I have physical depression symptoms and grief. I am working on logistics to plan childcare etc and playing phone tag with a lawyer. I have a therapy appointment. It was supposed to be for couples counseling but he can't be there if he is in jail. Angry sigh.
Not sure what I am even asking for. Moral support. Tips to get through the emotional garbage of a situation like this. I'm thankful for the presence of the child because it is keeping me functional. Ditto for the dog.
I still have ambivalence about divorcing him for some stupid reason. How do I handle that??? The relationship was on rough ground, but a lot of it is my fault. I could have been kinder about his lack of work since it was due in part to these legal issues. I could have been more of a "build up your man's fragile ego" spouse instead of a "get your sht together and pull your own weight ffs" spouse. He is not a horrible person and has good intentions. He has a disability which is not his fault but has not treated it adequately. He has a lot of very positive personality traits and has tolerated a lot from me. But his presence in my life is very unpredictable for reasons like surprise I'm in jail. I don't know if I can cope with the continued threat of these things lurking behind every corner. I also don't want our child to be with him if something like this happens again.
I am wondering for custody and parenting plans. Is it possible to have "if, then" clauses in the paperwork? Like if he is released, lives locally, and sustains his own living space, then he has visitation x frequency. Or can you only process these things based on current circumstances? He is a good dad and I don't want to deprive him of his child. But I won't take the child to prison to see him unless he is in there a long time and kid requests it as he gets older.
Jeez. How do I even begin to figure out how to answer questions about the absent father? I am a mental health professional so I know the negatives for kids who don't have the presence of both loving parents. What will I tell my child?
Thanks MeFi for any help you can offer.
We are in a hetero 30s relationship with a child younger than six months and my partner of four years is in jail. It is unfortunately not the first time. The first time resulted in probation and the current problem comes as quite a shock as he complied with his terms except for a lapse in judgment due to a learning disability. Both occasions are due to cognitive impairment on his part which led to ignoring important details related to his freedom. This combined with a lifetime of terrible luck and he is awaiting transport to the local jurisdiction.
I am exhausted. I have physical depression symptoms and grief. I am working on logistics to plan childcare etc and playing phone tag with a lawyer. I have a therapy appointment. It was supposed to be for couples counseling but he can't be there if he is in jail. Angry sigh.
Not sure what I am even asking for. Moral support. Tips to get through the emotional garbage of a situation like this. I'm thankful for the presence of the child because it is keeping me functional. Ditto for the dog.
I still have ambivalence about divorcing him for some stupid reason. How do I handle that??? The relationship was on rough ground, but a lot of it is my fault. I could have been kinder about his lack of work since it was due in part to these legal issues. I could have been more of a "build up your man's fragile ego" spouse instead of a "get your sht together and pull your own weight ffs" spouse. He is not a horrible person and has good intentions. He has a disability which is not his fault but has not treated it adequately. He has a lot of very positive personality traits and has tolerated a lot from me. But his presence in my life is very unpredictable for reasons like surprise I'm in jail. I don't know if I can cope with the continued threat of these things lurking behind every corner. I also don't want our child to be with him if something like this happens again.
I am wondering for custody and parenting plans. Is it possible to have "if, then" clauses in the paperwork? Like if he is released, lives locally, and sustains his own living space, then he has visitation x frequency. Or can you only process these things based on current circumstances? He is a good dad and I don't want to deprive him of his child. But I won't take the child to prison to see him unless he is in there a long time and kid requests it as he gets older.
Jeez. How do I even begin to figure out how to answer questions about the absent father? I am a mental health professional so I know the negatives for kids who don't have the presence of both loving parents. What will I tell my child?
Thanks MeFi for any help you can offer.
So in the "How do I even begin to answer questions about the absent father": I know a mother, father and daughter. Father went to prison within days after the daughter was born (sentenced earlier). There was visitation. I don't know what all was said during the three and a half years or so served, but when he got out there was by all accounts much amazing reconnecting (as in the grandfather, who has been there for her, confided to me "I'm amazingly jealous").
You tell the kid that people are human, people make mistakes, it's something to be avoided, but Daddy's had some struggles and will be out at some point. And the kid, and Dad,. can choose what sort of relationship they're going to have after that.
I think the more critical thing right now is your peace of mind: this relationship is not serving you. Take some time to cry. Pound the shit out of a pillow or something. And then stop blaming yourself for his struggles. Yeah, you could have been kinder, but he had the legal issues. You could have been more of a "build up your man's fragile ego" spouse, but we can't read other people, we can't know what motivates them; frankly (after many years of introspection and still enjoying hanging out with New Age touchy-feely groups), I'm more motivated by "get your shit together and pull your own weight ffs" than I am by getting my ego stroked.
"He has a disability that is not his fault", sure, but it's not your fault either. Yes, you have feelings for him, but you're not responsible for saving the whole damned world.
And you can't cope with the continued threat of these things lurking behind every corner. Start right now structuring your life so his presence or absence in your life doesn't destroy it. Yes, get all of those "if, then" clauses in your custody agreement.
Hugs. Deep breaths. You'll get through this. Your child will get through this. Yes, there are statistics about "both loving parents", but there are a hell of a lot of outliers. You and your kid are gonna be one of them.
posted by straw at 9:14 AM on February 2, 2017 [8 favorites]
You tell the kid that people are human, people make mistakes, it's something to be avoided, but Daddy's had some struggles and will be out at some point. And the kid, and Dad,. can choose what sort of relationship they're going to have after that.
I think the more critical thing right now is your peace of mind: this relationship is not serving you. Take some time to cry. Pound the shit out of a pillow or something. And then stop blaming yourself for his struggles. Yeah, you could have been kinder, but he had the legal issues. You could have been more of a "build up your man's fragile ego" spouse, but we can't read other people, we can't know what motivates them; frankly (after many years of introspection and still enjoying hanging out with New Age touchy-feely groups), I'm more motivated by "get your shit together and pull your own weight ffs" than I am by getting my ego stroked.
"He has a disability that is not his fault", sure, but it's not your fault either. Yes, you have feelings for him, but you're not responsible for saving the whole damned world.
And you can't cope with the continued threat of these things lurking behind every corner. Start right now structuring your life so his presence or absence in your life doesn't destroy it. Yes, get all of those "if, then" clauses in your custody agreement.
Hugs. Deep breaths. You'll get through this. Your child will get through this. Yes, there are statistics about "both loving parents", but there are a hell of a lot of outliers. You and your kid are gonna be one of them.
posted by straw at 9:14 AM on February 2, 2017 [8 favorites]
I'd like to suggest reading the Emotional Labour thread so you can see that none of this is your fault because you expected him to act like a functional adult! If you have already read it. Read it again.
He is not: in jail, not working, not treating his disability, etc because you "didn't build up his ego"! He is: in jail, not working, not treating his disability because of his own reasons and you can't change him. He has to want to be a functional adult.
posted by CoffeeHikeNapWine at 9:17 AM on February 2, 2017 [30 favorites]
He is not: in jail, not working, not treating his disability, etc because you "didn't build up his ego"! He is: in jail, not working, not treating his disability because of his own reasons and you can't change him. He has to want to be a functional adult.
posted by CoffeeHikeNapWine at 9:17 AM on February 2, 2017 [30 favorites]
I agree, this sounds really tough for you! Be gentle with yourself - you have a lot on your plate. (Hetero) women are socialized to Stand By Their Man and be his rock no matter what - never mind that in a relationship, he needs to be your rock, too, especially when you have a child together. So I would ditch the guilt, if I were you, and get some counseling - or at least have supportive family and friends in your corner. You need to be strong for your child, who is dependent on you.
You definitely want to talk to a lawyer specializing in family law. Can you print out your question and take it with you to the initial consultation? Stress can put big holes in your memory and you want to make sure you and your lawyer go over all contingencies. Good luck!
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 9:18 AM on February 2, 2017 [5 favorites]
You definitely want to talk to a lawyer specializing in family law. Can you print out your question and take it with you to the initial consultation? Stress can put big holes in your memory and you want to make sure you and your lawyer go over all contingencies. Good luck!
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 9:18 AM on February 2, 2017 [5 favorites]
Instead of beating yourself up about your (perceived) shortcomings in the relationship, maybe now would be a good time to take a look at how your partner not taking care of himself affects not only himself, but also affects your child and you too.
If his disability affects him to the point where he ends up in jail repeatedly, then treatment for his disability would logically be his top priority, whether you are in his life or not.
posted by strelitzia at 10:05 AM on February 2, 2017 [13 favorites]
If his disability affects him to the point where he ends up in jail repeatedly, then treatment for his disability would logically be his top priority, whether you are in his life or not.
posted by strelitzia at 10:05 AM on February 2, 2017 [13 favorites]
Print out this thread and bring it to your therapy appointment. Add me to the chorus of people who say you have the right to divorce someone who treats you like this.
posted by disconnect at 10:16 AM on February 2, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by disconnect at 10:16 AM on February 2, 2017 [2 favorites]
Yes, you have not only the right, but the duty to put your own welfare, and your childs welfare, at the top of your priority list. If that means divorcing your spouse, do it. Anecdotally, I got rid of not one, but two spouses who could not adult themselves out of a paper bag. Best two things I ever did!
posted by WalkerWestridge at 11:55 AM on February 2, 2017 [4 favorites]
posted by WalkerWestridge at 11:55 AM on February 2, 2017 [4 favorites]
I'm on camp FFS, get your shit together, husband. I mean, you're not only supposed to be responsible for yourself and your child, you're also responsible for another grown man's mental health, employment, physical health and legal issues? And even after all of this, he's still not responsible for himself. Now the state is.
I wouldn't be ambivalent about divorcing him in the least. I mean, I'm not expecting this to be the thing that wakes him up (jail hasn't, so would this?) But what it would do is free you to concentrate on yourself and your child and let go of the dead weight. No wonder you're exhausted. Run, run like the wind.
posted by Jubey at 4:45 PM on February 2, 2017 [3 favorites]
I wouldn't be ambivalent about divorcing him in the least. I mean, I'm not expecting this to be the thing that wakes him up (jail hasn't, so would this?) But what it would do is free you to concentrate on yourself and your child and let go of the dead weight. No wonder you're exhausted. Run, run like the wind.
posted by Jubey at 4:45 PM on February 2, 2017 [3 favorites]
You don't have to divorce him today. In fact, you can't. Step one is a separation. Since he is jail you already have a physical separation. Step two will be to talk to a lawyer about to get a legal separation. Once you have done that, you can start to build your new life, knowing that you aren't going to be counting on him for anything. Then you can work with a lawyer to figure out what you want to do next and how to do it.
So, you don't have to figure everything out right now. Focus on what you need to do for yourself, the kid and the dog. Keep it simple = buy groceries, do laundry, take a shower if you can.
posted by metahawk at 10:06 PM on February 2, 2017 [2 favorites]
So, you don't have to figure everything out right now. Focus on what you need to do for yourself, the kid and the dog. Keep it simple = buy groceries, do laundry, take a shower if you can.
posted by metahawk at 10:06 PM on February 2, 2017 [2 favorites]
Reading up on California law, I think my response was wrong in the way I used the term "legal separation" Looks like you get either a divorce or a legal separation. But divorce is still a long process that takes a minimum of six months, often more if the couple has trouble agreeing on the issues or if people aren't diligent about moving on to the next step. In any case, you can start filing the papers without having to know all the answers.
Bottom line: don't take legal advice from random strangers on the Internet.
posted by metahawk at 10:16 PM on February 2, 2017 [1 favorite]
Bottom line: don't take legal advice from random strangers on the Internet.
posted by metahawk at 10:16 PM on February 2, 2017 [1 favorite]
In relation to what to tell your child: Sesame Street has a whole Incarceration Toolkit that may be helpful. The Guide to Support Parents and Caregivers has really concrete suggestions on how to answer your child's questions and help them deal with their feelings about it, and there are videos etc as well.
posted by escapepod at 2:44 AM on February 3, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by escapepod at 2:44 AM on February 3, 2017 [2 favorites]
The first time resulted in probation and the current problem comes as quite a shock as he complied with his terms except for a lapse in judgment due to a learning disability. Both occasions are due to cognitive impairment on his part which led to ignoring important details related to his freedom. ... I still have ambivalence about divorcing him for some stupid reason. How do I handle that??? He is not a horrible person and has good intentions. He has a disability which is not his fault but has not treated it adequately. ... He is a good dad and I don't want to deprive him of his child.
Hi, I am a person with disabilities. Some of my symptoms include bad impulse control and weak or lacking executive functioning. It sounds like your husband's disability includes those symptoms, too, and he did something like drinking alcohol or traveling when he wasn't supposed to, figuring his PO wouldn't find out this one time, or missed a court date or meeting unintentionally because he went to the wrong building or wrote the date down wrong or similar. I do stuff like that all the time, and I want to tell you in very stark terms: It is 157% okay to divorce him for this.
He doesn't have to treat his disability, but he didn't have to get married and have a baby, either. Part of living with a disability is learning to build a life that accommodates your vulnerabilities. He could have asked a friend or other family member (not you, you are not his mom) to be his court buddy and get him places on time and help him with his paperwork. He could have stopped carrying money so he couldn't go to bars. He could have found work LONG before this current bullshit that doesn't require the level of functioning he lacks. Your husband is not doing any of that. He is getting arrested and then missing couples counseling because oops, he got arrested. In a way, it's a kindness to him to divorce him, since he is clearly not capable of being a responsible husband and father and it is probably painful for him to fail over and over. (Is part of your dynamic that after one of these life-ruining chaos spirals, you have to comfort him and tell him that it's not his fault and he's still a good person and we all make mistakes? Does he accept your comfort and love and then proceed to not make any changes to insulate your family from the fall-out of his disability? Does he make you feel guilty for expecting anything from him "because he has a disability"? That's all manipulation, not his disability.)
It sounds like he is a "good dad" in the sense that he enjoys the baby when they are in the same room together and he probably talks about how much he loves the baby. He is not a good father in the sense that he is able to stay out of prison to parent the baby, or work to support the baby. When you divorce, I suspect he will become the fun uncle kind of dad. The problem of his custody might solve itself when he doesn't show up on time or at all to pick the baby up, or have a place to live, or manage to stay out of prison.
I'm not talking out of my butt here- I don't even have a dog, much less a child. My job doesn't pay much but is forgiving of my imperfections. These are the kinds of sacrifices your husband is not willing or able to make. That's why it's okay to divorce him.
posted by Snarl Furillo at 6:16 PM on February 5, 2017 [5 favorites]
Hi, I am a person with disabilities. Some of my symptoms include bad impulse control and weak or lacking executive functioning. It sounds like your husband's disability includes those symptoms, too, and he did something like drinking alcohol or traveling when he wasn't supposed to, figuring his PO wouldn't find out this one time, or missed a court date or meeting unintentionally because he went to the wrong building or wrote the date down wrong or similar. I do stuff like that all the time, and I want to tell you in very stark terms: It is 157% okay to divorce him for this.
He doesn't have to treat his disability, but he didn't have to get married and have a baby, either. Part of living with a disability is learning to build a life that accommodates your vulnerabilities. He could have asked a friend or other family member (not you, you are not his mom) to be his court buddy and get him places on time and help him with his paperwork. He could have stopped carrying money so he couldn't go to bars. He could have found work LONG before this current bullshit that doesn't require the level of functioning he lacks. Your husband is not doing any of that. He is getting arrested and then missing couples counseling because oops, he got arrested. In a way, it's a kindness to him to divorce him, since he is clearly not capable of being a responsible husband and father and it is probably painful for him to fail over and over. (Is part of your dynamic that after one of these life-ruining chaos spirals, you have to comfort him and tell him that it's not his fault and he's still a good person and we all make mistakes? Does he accept your comfort and love and then proceed to not make any changes to insulate your family from the fall-out of his disability? Does he make you feel guilty for expecting anything from him "because he has a disability"? That's all manipulation, not his disability.)
It sounds like he is a "good dad" in the sense that he enjoys the baby when they are in the same room together and he probably talks about how much he loves the baby. He is not a good father in the sense that he is able to stay out of prison to parent the baby, or work to support the baby. When you divorce, I suspect he will become the fun uncle kind of dad. The problem of his custody might solve itself when he doesn't show up on time or at all to pick the baby up, or have a place to live, or manage to stay out of prison.
I'm not talking out of my butt here- I don't even have a dog, much less a child. My job doesn't pay much but is forgiving of my imperfections. These are the kinds of sacrifices your husband is not willing or able to make. That's why it's okay to divorce him.
posted by Snarl Furillo at 6:16 PM on February 5, 2017 [5 favorites]
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But you can take this off your list of worries:
Jeez. How do I even begin to figure out how to answer questions about the absent father? I am a mental health professional so I know the negatives for kids who don't have the presence of both loving parents. What will I tell my child?
You have a baby, under six months of age. You have time to figure out what to tell that baby, when they are old enough to speak and to ask questions. You have a lot more important things to deal with right now.
posted by 41swans at 8:53 AM on February 2, 2017 [12 favorites]