Moving closer to family for childrearing
May 4, 2024 6:42 AM Subscribe
Hi Mefites,
Last year I posted a question regarding raising our kid in two locations and you all were very helpful. With another year of parenting under our belt, and with pretty robust attempts to get closer to some other families in our immediate area without much success, I am now leaning towards just moving closer to family.
I realized that if we want our toddler to know his grandparents (currently 70ish) and aunts and uncles and cousins well, we would probably do better to just move close to them instead of going back and forth. As I posted previously, the area where family lives (Cincinnati) is really not my fave. Having grown up there, I can say it is conservative and car-dependent, neither of which appeals. So I really wouldn't move back there except that my kid has six cousins, three grandparents, snd many aunts and uncles there. My spouse and I both grew up with large extended families there and growing up with a nice web of family is something we think would be good for our kid. And it's not like it doesn't have some cool stuff (it is a city afterall), it's just not the city I would pick (which would be our current city: Chicago). We assume he will go away to college at some point and as empty nesters we could come back to Chicago or go wherever. My question: did you move so your kid could grow up near family? What age was your kid? What were the advantages/disadvantages? And if anyone has Cincinnati specific recs, I will take them. Thanks!!
I realized that if we want our toddler to know his grandparents (currently 70ish) and aunts and uncles and cousins well, we would probably do better to just move close to them instead of going back and forth. As I posted previously, the area where family lives (Cincinnati) is really not my fave. Having grown up there, I can say it is conservative and car-dependent, neither of which appeals. So I really wouldn't move back there except that my kid has six cousins, three grandparents, snd many aunts and uncles there. My spouse and I both grew up with large extended families there and growing up with a nice web of family is something we think would be good for our kid. And it's not like it doesn't have some cool stuff (it is a city afterall), it's just not the city I would pick (which would be our current city: Chicago). We assume he will go away to college at some point and as empty nesters we could come back to Chicago or go wherever. My question: did you move so your kid could grow up near family? What age was your kid? What were the advantages/disadvantages? And if anyone has Cincinnati specific recs, I will take them. Thanks!!
This answer is a full generation off--so obviously not subject to the same economic and cultural tides you and your kid will experience--but my parents did this in the early 1980s, moving to another part of rust belt Ohio to be close to family, specifically my grandparents. Was it the right call? I don't know.
My relationship with my grandparents was non-dramatic and non-acrimonious but not close or particularly consequential to my life (they were very conservative, I was not, and one of them had a serious, never-diagnosed or treated anxiety disorder that made it not particularly safe for me to expose too much of my life, interests, etc.). Both died when I was in my 20s, and while I am glad I knew them, I don't know if the close physical proximity made the relationship better than it would have been otherwise. My family was small, though, and there were no cousins close to my age.
What did have a profound effect on my life was growing up in an economically depressed city with limited options for education and employment. I don't think my parents realistically could have forseen this, but the region was already in steep decline when they moved there, and things didn't change much in the intervening decades: factory jobs dried up, the downtown was hollowed out and replaced by parking lots, formerly prosperous blue-collar neighborhoods subsided into disrepair and poverty, affluent folks moved out to suburbs and exurbs. Basically the tail end of this. My parents pulled me out of a not-great local public school mid-elementary school and enrolled me in a high-pressure private "country day school" on scholarship; I hated it and eventually dropped out. We lived outside of the city and it wasn't possible to go anywhere without a car (though the area's public transit is legendarily atrocious, so it might not have been different if we lived in town).
When I was in my early 30s I finally wrapped up an undergrad degree and...moved to Chicago. I probably drove 300,000 miles before I left Ohio, and I've been a full-time bike commuter since. I also didn't manage to start a career or manage to make enough money to save for retirement, both things that came easily once I was out of the rust belt. I certainly had a happy and relatively safe childhood but there is no way you could convince me to move back now, even to be close to the family and friends that are still there.
I'm not from Cincinnati and don't know much about how it's doing these days, and I certainly don't want to guess how the next 20-30 years will go, but I think there's some risk in moving somewhere that you wouldn't expect your children to stick around post-high school. What if they do?
posted by pullayup at 7:48 AM on May 4 [6 favorites]
My relationship with my grandparents was non-dramatic and non-acrimonious but not close or particularly consequential to my life (they were very conservative, I was not, and one of them had a serious, never-diagnosed or treated anxiety disorder that made it not particularly safe for me to expose too much of my life, interests, etc.). Both died when I was in my 20s, and while I am glad I knew them, I don't know if the close physical proximity made the relationship better than it would have been otherwise. My family was small, though, and there were no cousins close to my age.
What did have a profound effect on my life was growing up in an economically depressed city with limited options for education and employment. I don't think my parents realistically could have forseen this, but the region was already in steep decline when they moved there, and things didn't change much in the intervening decades: factory jobs dried up, the downtown was hollowed out and replaced by parking lots, formerly prosperous blue-collar neighborhoods subsided into disrepair and poverty, affluent folks moved out to suburbs and exurbs. Basically the tail end of this. My parents pulled me out of a not-great local public school mid-elementary school and enrolled me in a high-pressure private "country day school" on scholarship; I hated it and eventually dropped out. We lived outside of the city and it wasn't possible to go anywhere without a car (though the area's public transit is legendarily atrocious, so it might not have been different if we lived in town).
When I was in my early 30s I finally wrapped up an undergrad degree and...moved to Chicago. I probably drove 300,000 miles before I left Ohio, and I've been a full-time bike commuter since. I also didn't manage to start a career or manage to make enough money to save for retirement, both things that came easily once I was out of the rust belt. I certainly had a happy and relatively safe childhood but there is no way you could convince me to move back now, even to be close to the family and friends that are still there.
I'm not from Cincinnati and don't know much about how it's doing these days, and I certainly don't want to guess how the next 20-30 years will go, but I think there's some risk in moving somewhere that you wouldn't expect your children to stick around post-high school. What if they do?
posted by pullayup at 7:48 AM on May 4 [6 favorites]
Mod note: Part of the question moved to below the fold.
posted by Brandon Blatcher (staff) at 7:48 AM on May 4
posted by Brandon Blatcher (staff) at 7:48 AM on May 4
I had grandparents who lived a little further away than the Chicago Cincinnati drive. My grandparents and my parents made an effort to see them via car at least one weekend a month and we'd sleep over ( leave friday after school get there 10 pm stay till Sunday afternoon). Sometimes the cousins would come and sleep over too. During the summer grandparents would take us for a week sometimes two and corral a bunch of us. Some of my best childhood memories come from that arrangement.
I too am a parent in Chicago, and in terms of kiddo (almost 6) friend making it really started happening more once my kid was in school ( including preschool) and engaged in activities and not from neighborhood socialization. It's certianly different from what I grew up with, but I don't feel that she's necessarily missing out on anything. So that's something to concider too.
posted by AlexiaSky at 8:35 AM on May 4
I too am a parent in Chicago, and in terms of kiddo (almost 6) friend making it really started happening more once my kid was in school ( including preschool) and engaged in activities and not from neighborhood socialization. It's certianly different from what I grew up with, but I don't feel that she's necessarily missing out on anything. So that's something to concider too.
posted by AlexiaSky at 8:35 AM on May 4
Just a heads up that your community connections will also grow there, and you might not find it that easy to leave after you’re back home. That’ll be kid’s home, and where they want to return to visit you, and another 15 years of building connections there might compel you to stay. It’s not impossible, but you might not want to start over in, what, your 50s?
Having said that: find the neighborhood/community most aligned with your values back home, even if it makes you a bit further from grandparents and siblings. Choose that neighborhood and part of town you live in carefully, and try to find one that will feel best.
posted by bluedaisy at 8:52 AM on May 4 [4 favorites]
Having said that: find the neighborhood/community most aligned with your values back home, even if it makes you a bit further from grandparents and siblings. Choose that neighborhood and part of town you live in carefully, and try to find one that will feel best.
posted by bluedaisy at 8:52 AM on May 4 [4 favorites]
How involved are your family members with the current grandchildren/nieces/nephews? I have one side of the family who we see once a month for birthdays, and then the other side, we are in and out of ech other's houses 2-3x a week, on daily chats and calls etc. Same degree of relation, but different closeness. If your family isn't as close as you're hoping, don't expect that to change simply because you're physically closer to them. I have overseas relatives who are more involved with our family than people living twenty minutes drive from us.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 9:34 AM on May 4 [11 favorites]
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 9:34 AM on May 4 [11 favorites]
We moved from NYC to small town Florida with our then two-year-old to be closer to family, a year before Trump was elected. It felt PRETTY BAD to leave behind friends and public transit and food and a political environment that felt, if not sane, at least sane-adjacent. But beyond just having a much bigger family support network, which was HUGE, it's also been surprisingly easy to connect with like-minded parents and friends and build a really fulfilling social life for ourselves here. So it's definitely possible.
And I know this is cold comfort at best, but if politics matter to you there is something to be said for moving to a place where you can show up to fight against the bad guys and try to move the needle in a better direction. I ran for local office, I weaseled my way on to the school district's book review committee (still undefeated on recommendations!), and I'm now working to flip the local school board. It sucks that I have to do it at all, but if I was back in NYC I wouldn't be involved in any of this. So that's... something?
posted by saladin at 9:46 AM on May 4 [15 favorites]
And I know this is cold comfort at best, but if politics matter to you there is something to be said for moving to a place where you can show up to fight against the bad guys and try to move the needle in a better direction. I ran for local office, I weaseled my way on to the school district's book review committee (still undefeated on recommendations!), and I'm now working to flip the local school board. It sucks that I have to do it at all, but if I was back in NYC I wouldn't be involved in any of this. So that's... something?
posted by saladin at 9:46 AM on May 4 [15 favorites]
I grew up thousands of miles away from my grandparents, but still had a close relationship with them. Part of that was that most years during my childhood I'd be put on a plane and sent to stay with them for a month or two in the summer, but a lot of it was just that my grandparents wanted to build a relationship with their grandkids, so they'd send postcards and letters, call (back then long distance calls were expensive, so this was a big thing), and they would come and visit almost every year. I know plenty of people who live near to family, but without much of a real connection. Close geography probably helps, but really it takes both sides being committed to building the relationship.
Personally, I'd say that you shouldn't leave a place you like to live in a place you don't like as much just for this, or at least not without a lot of careful thought about overall quality of life.
posted by Dip Flash at 9:47 AM on May 4 [1 favorite]
Personally, I'd say that you shouldn't leave a place you like to live in a place you don't like as much just for this, or at least not without a lot of careful thought about overall quality of life.
posted by Dip Flash at 9:47 AM on May 4 [1 favorite]
I moved away from family after I had a kid and have never looked back. My kids are still very close with their grandparents. I think staying in the region where our first child was born might very well have ended our marriage.
There is no one right way. I feel like everyone told me that once I had kids being near family would be the most important thing. I feel the distance sometimes, but honestly, not that often.
posted by potrzebie at 11:11 AM on May 4
There is no one right way. I feel like everyone told me that once I had kids being near family would be the most important thing. I feel the distance sometimes, but honestly, not that often.
posted by potrzebie at 11:11 AM on May 4
Conservative v. liberal totally depends on the neighborhood in Cincinnati.
-Liberal neighborhoods: College Hill, Northside, Pleasant Ridge, Clifton.
-Kind of conservative but mostly liberal neighborhoods: Hyde Park, Norwood, Amberley Village, Wyoming.
-Mostly conservative but you can find liberal people on your block neighborhoods: Anderson Township, Newtown, Indian Hill.
-Conservative and liberals will stick out: Mason, West Chester, Liberty Township, Milford.
Basically, the closer you are to the city, the more liberal the neighborhood. We spent 20+years in Anderson Township and while it's getting a lot better, we were just so tired of being one of maybe three liberal families on our block so we moved to College Hill in 2020. OMG the difference. We have only ever seen ONE conservative political party yard sign in our area and that house isn't even in our ACTUAL neighborhood.
As for car dependent, yes, I'll give you that one. However, I can actually walk to my little downtown from my house and have excellent food, go to some sweet little bars, and play in a park. I could not have done that in Anderson Township.
I know you grew up here but I'm happy to answer any neighborhood specific questions you have. Things are really changing here and we could use all the liberal families we can get!
posted by cooker girl at 12:24 PM on May 4 [1 favorite]
-Liberal neighborhoods: College Hill, Northside, Pleasant Ridge, Clifton.
-Kind of conservative but mostly liberal neighborhoods: Hyde Park, Norwood, Amberley Village, Wyoming.
-Mostly conservative but you can find liberal people on your block neighborhoods: Anderson Township, Newtown, Indian Hill.
-Conservative and liberals will stick out: Mason, West Chester, Liberty Township, Milford.
Basically, the closer you are to the city, the more liberal the neighborhood. We spent 20+years in Anderson Township and while it's getting a lot better, we were just so tired of being one of maybe three liberal families on our block so we moved to College Hill in 2020. OMG the difference. We have only ever seen ONE conservative political party yard sign in our area and that house isn't even in our ACTUAL neighborhood.
As for car dependent, yes, I'll give you that one. However, I can actually walk to my little downtown from my house and have excellent food, go to some sweet little bars, and play in a park. I could not have done that in Anderson Township.
I know you grew up here but I'm happy to answer any neighborhood specific questions you have. Things are really changing here and we could use all the liberal families we can get!
posted by cooker girl at 12:24 PM on May 4 [1 favorite]
We left NYC for Dearborn (Detroit suburb) two months before our daughter was born in the fall of 2022. His mom (70s) lives two miles away, and his brother's extended family plus some other cousins/great aunts are within an hour. My family is 3-5 hours away.
Local grandma has embraced visits while also being respectful of our space. We usually see her twice a week and try to do Sunday dinners when we are all free. She helps with watching Emme for doctor's appts/short errands, although longer options seem to be too much. It's been really nice to be able to pop into local family get togethers or make the drive to see my family as needed.
Building a community has been harder, especially as our 18M old isn't in daycare/preschool so there isn't that easy exposure to families in similar stages. For me, library storytime, the local museum, and our neighborhood playgrounds have been instrumental in meeting families to become friends with. I know that I have to put myself out there and make the effort, but we have a nice circle after a year of really engaging with folks. (I also found two mom friends via the app Peanut, but I really had to do lots of swiping to find ones that I connected with as I'm 42 and most users are 12-18 years younger and have different life experiences.)
I agree with dorothyusunderwood that proximity doesn't prompt closeness. I have friends in DC and Chicago who remain more engaged in our lives than some local family. Even so it's been nice that the family exposure for our daughter is so much easier and we remain a much shorter drive away for any family emergencies/casual picnics that we may now be able to attend.
Car life vs subway life has been a win for the convenience. We have a safe, family vehicle and a twenty year old backup car that we use if someone also needs to run errands on their own without our daughter.
The move has been great for us and it helped that we were fully in the mindset of embracing this lifestyle plus had grown familiar with the town by splitting time during the pandemic. (Sounds like you already have the town familiarity built in.)
posted by icaicaer at 2:26 PM on May 4
Local grandma has embraced visits while also being respectful of our space. We usually see her twice a week and try to do Sunday dinners when we are all free. She helps with watching Emme for doctor's appts/short errands, although longer options seem to be too much. It's been really nice to be able to pop into local family get togethers or make the drive to see my family as needed.
Building a community has been harder, especially as our 18M old isn't in daycare/preschool so there isn't that easy exposure to families in similar stages. For me, library storytime, the local museum, and our neighborhood playgrounds have been instrumental in meeting families to become friends with. I know that I have to put myself out there and make the effort, but we have a nice circle after a year of really engaging with folks. (I also found two mom friends via the app Peanut, but I really had to do lots of swiping to find ones that I connected with as I'm 42 and most users are 12-18 years younger and have different life experiences.)
I agree with dorothyusunderwood that proximity doesn't prompt closeness. I have friends in DC and Chicago who remain more engaged in our lives than some local family. Even so it's been nice that the family exposure for our daughter is so much easier and we remain a much shorter drive away for any family emergencies/casual picnics that we may now be able to attend.
Car life vs subway life has been a win for the convenience. We have a safe, family vehicle and a twenty year old backup car that we use if someone also needs to run errands on their own without our daughter.
The move has been great for us and it helped that we were fully in the mindset of embracing this lifestyle plus had grown familiar with the town by splitting time during the pandemic. (Sounds like you already have the town familiarity built in.)
posted by icaicaer at 2:26 PM on May 4
I'm answering this from the perspective of a grandparent who moved back to hometown. My kids, like you, all left, but eventually they all moved back to hometown and all six of my grandchildren- ages 2, 5, 8 in one family, 11 and 14 in another family, and 22 in yet another family- were born here. I moved back after I retired a few years ago and it's been great. I see various assortments of grandchildren two or three times a week and the cousins all adore each other in spite of, or maybe because of, big age differences.
They don't call on me often for emergencies but when they do I'm available. It's usually something like picking up kids from school or camp or whatever because their parents are running late, the car broke down, or something. When the youngest grandkid was born I got the 4 AM call to hurry over and stay with the other two while their parents went to the hospital. Knowing you have family around to help out is priceless.
posted by mareli at 4:01 PM on May 4 [2 favorites]
They don't call on me often for emergencies but when they do I'm available. It's usually something like picking up kids from school or camp or whatever because their parents are running late, the car broke down, or something. When the youngest grandkid was born I got the 4 AM call to hurry over and stay with the other two while their parents went to the hospital. Knowing you have family around to help out is priceless.
posted by mareli at 4:01 PM on May 4 [2 favorites]
I moved to be near family before my daughter entered kindergarten. Great choice. Her father got sick and there is no way I could have managed the two of them, plus a full time job, all by myself.
We returned to a city I like. We have a great quality of life here, fortunately we are near transit and many amenities. But, this city is horrifically expensive. I rented for many years to stay in this neighbourhood, which ultimately will push out my retirement. Still think it’s worth it and would do it again.
posted by shock muppet at 4:22 PM on May 4 [2 favorites]
We returned to a city I like. We have a great quality of life here, fortunately we are near transit and many amenities. But, this city is horrifically expensive. I rented for many years to stay in this neighbourhood, which ultimately will push out my retirement. Still think it’s worth it and would do it again.
posted by shock muppet at 4:22 PM on May 4 [2 favorites]
The extended family in my case turned out to be totally uninterested in having a relationship with me or with the kids after we began living in the same city as them. They were warm and friendly and glad to host us for short visits when we lived in another province, but once we had a place of our own locally we got the standard invitation to every large family gathering that another fifteen people got and nothing else. They never moved beyond company manners and the most superficial type of contact. Efforts to be useful to them were rebuffed, and reaching out to us only occurred when it would have been glaring weird if they didn't do anything - e.g. They sent a sympathy card when someone from my side of the family died.
They are very nice people, just happily wrapped up in their own relationships and projects and lives. They've never been rude, or unkind, or snippy or passive aggressive. They just never wanted to interact with us.
posted by Jane the Brown at 5:00 PM on May 4 [2 favorites]
They are very nice people, just happily wrapped up in their own relationships and projects and lives. They've never been rude, or unkind, or snippy or passive aggressive. They just never wanted to interact with us.
posted by Jane the Brown at 5:00 PM on May 4 [2 favorites]
We had the same experience as Jane the Brown. Moved far away to be closer to family and learned the hard way that they had no interest in being grandparents beyond buying gifts. They wanted to have an active retirement, and that didn't involve their extremely adorable grandchildren. Not even major holidays. But they got to make it seem to everyone else like they helped out all the time, which they didn't.
We lasted three years and moved back to our original city, just in time for the pandemic. It was incredibly painful for us, and understandably irritating for my husband, who had expected the reward for the move was a big, loving extended family with his in laws that not only didn't materialize, but also caused me stress. And they had encouraged us to move to be closer to them!
So, make sure you really really really know who your family members are and what they want out of this time in their lives before you move somewhere you wouldn't otherwise dream of.
posted by luckdragon at 7:02 PM on May 4 [2 favorites]
We lasted three years and moved back to our original city, just in time for the pandemic. It was incredibly painful for us, and understandably irritating for my husband, who had expected the reward for the move was a big, loving extended family with his in laws that not only didn't materialize, but also caused me stress. And they had encouraged us to move to be closer to them!
So, make sure you really really really know who your family members are and what they want out of this time in their lives before you move somewhere you wouldn't otherwise dream of.
posted by luckdragon at 7:02 PM on May 4 [2 favorites]
Similar to Shock Puppet above—could not have managed sick husband, and eventual single parenthood, by myself. The downside has been that I’m now quite stuck in my horrifically expensive home city. My job is civil service and my seniority is attached to this location, so if I moved now I’d have to start over. And I was super close to my grandparents growing up. I know I could never take my son away from his.
There are good things about living here. Lots of parks and things to do. Every amenity under the sun. Public transportation. I think independence will come slower for him than it might if we were living somewhere else. In order to get to school by himself, he would have to cross two main roads. I don’t see myself letting him do that by himself until he’s at least junior high. And everything here is so expensive. I paid more for my very modest condo than my parents paid for a four bedroom house when I was growing up. If we do move again, I would consider some kind of multilevel option where he would have his own living space into his 20s if he can’t afford to move out on his own. I have a good job and I’m still paying about 50% of my takeoff toward housing. It’s just insane. But I can’t really leave, so I feel a bit stuck sometimes.
posted by ficbot at 5:45 AM on May 5
There are good things about living here. Lots of parks and things to do. Every amenity under the sun. Public transportation. I think independence will come slower for him than it might if we were living somewhere else. In order to get to school by himself, he would have to cross two main roads. I don’t see myself letting him do that by himself until he’s at least junior high. And everything here is so expensive. I paid more for my very modest condo than my parents paid for a four bedroom house when I was growing up. If we do move again, I would consider some kind of multilevel option where he would have his own living space into his 20s if he can’t afford to move out on his own. I have a good job and I’m still paying about 50% of my takeoff toward housing. It’s just insane. But I can’t really leave, so I feel a bit stuck sometimes.
posted by ficbot at 5:45 AM on May 5
I am in the very early stages of a very similar situation right now, so my experiences are still quite fresh, for better or for worse, and perhaps my perspective will change later, BUT for now, here's how this is going for us:
We were living in a wonderful neighbourhood in an amazing city when my daughter was born. We had originally moved to this city from the opposite side of the country because it felt like just the right amount of distance from our families: close enough that weekend/summer/holiday visits were very doable, but far enough that visits still felt "special" and we wouldn't wear on each other. But then the pandemic happened, and the border closed (our families were in Canada, we were in the US), and the baby was born, and we were so wildly alone and felt so isolated (making friends in a notoriously "cold" city in the middle of a pandemic was....not a thing), and it was just so hard. We soldiered on for two years, during which time eventually the border reopened and we started to form the very beginnings of a social support network....but it just was too little too late. The absence of family and support and connection was a really difficult void in our life, and bad for our mental health, and therefore bad for our kid. So we moved.
We now live about 5 minutes from my sister and her 3 kids, and about 1-2 hours drive in various directions from grandparents, my brother and his kids, and my sister-in-law and her kids. I loathe the "city" (I use the term loosely) we live in now. It is horribly car-centric, devoid of meaningful arts and culture and food and all the things we loved about our previous city, and just.....very provincial. I intend to work very hard to find my niche here...but I have tempered my expectations drastically. It is just not a vibrant or interesting place. I don't have any illusions that I will ever grow to love, or even like, this town.
HOWEVER! We've been here just over a month and a half now, and we have seen/hung-out with/attended events with/hosted/etc various members of our family multiple times a week every single week. From being totally isolated and only occasionally (like a few times a year) having people over to visit, suddenly our life and our house is full of family ALL THE TIME. The difference in my own mental health, and in my kid's, is wild, and makes the move feel 100000000% worth it. It makes a huge difference knowing that there are other people nearby who love and care for this kid, and who can help out in a variety of ways. And it is astonishing how much my kid has blossomed/come out of her shell/choose your own metaphor since getting here. This child has pretty intense social/separation anxiety, and has been stuck to me like glue 24/7 since she was born. Seeing her run around all over the house and yard joyfully with her "big" cousins (when she never used to be willing to be out of arm's reach from me), and initiate a cuddle with my sister (when she never used to let another adult human come near her), and absolutely bask in the love of her grandparents is utterly priceless. We have very quickly become big parts of each others' lives in ways that I had no idea were so meaningful. Like, I had no clue that it would be important to me to be able to go to my niece's dance competitions...but it has been WONDERFUL to share that with her. And I'm looking forward to the day when my sister/parents/etc can be there at my kid's soccer games/gymnastics meets/whatevers. A little thing, but a surprisingly important one for me, it turns out.
So long story short: even moving to an objectively shitty place (and I have no idea if Cincinnati is one or not) can be worthwhile if the family relationship is a meaningful one. It was the right move for our family, and maybe could be for yours.
posted by Dorinda at 2:35 PM on May 6
We were living in a wonderful neighbourhood in an amazing city when my daughter was born. We had originally moved to this city from the opposite side of the country because it felt like just the right amount of distance from our families: close enough that weekend/summer/holiday visits were very doable, but far enough that visits still felt "special" and we wouldn't wear on each other. But then the pandemic happened, and the border closed (our families were in Canada, we were in the US), and the baby was born, and we were so wildly alone and felt so isolated (making friends in a notoriously "cold" city in the middle of a pandemic was....not a thing), and it was just so hard. We soldiered on for two years, during which time eventually the border reopened and we started to form the very beginnings of a social support network....but it just was too little too late. The absence of family and support and connection was a really difficult void in our life, and bad for our mental health, and therefore bad for our kid. So we moved.
We now live about 5 minutes from my sister and her 3 kids, and about 1-2 hours drive in various directions from grandparents, my brother and his kids, and my sister-in-law and her kids. I loathe the "city" (I use the term loosely) we live in now. It is horribly car-centric, devoid of meaningful arts and culture and food and all the things we loved about our previous city, and just.....very provincial. I intend to work very hard to find my niche here...but I have tempered my expectations drastically. It is just not a vibrant or interesting place. I don't have any illusions that I will ever grow to love, or even like, this town.
HOWEVER! We've been here just over a month and a half now, and we have seen/hung-out with/attended events with/hosted/etc various members of our family multiple times a week every single week. From being totally isolated and only occasionally (like a few times a year) having people over to visit, suddenly our life and our house is full of family ALL THE TIME. The difference in my own mental health, and in my kid's, is wild, and makes the move feel 100000000% worth it. It makes a huge difference knowing that there are other people nearby who love and care for this kid, and who can help out in a variety of ways. And it is astonishing how much my kid has blossomed/come out of her shell/choose your own metaphor since getting here. This child has pretty intense social/separation anxiety, and has been stuck to me like glue 24/7 since she was born. Seeing her run around all over the house and yard joyfully with her "big" cousins (when she never used to be willing to be out of arm's reach from me), and initiate a cuddle with my sister (when she never used to let another adult human come near her), and absolutely bask in the love of her grandparents is utterly priceless. We have very quickly become big parts of each others' lives in ways that I had no idea were so meaningful. Like, I had no clue that it would be important to me to be able to go to my niece's dance competitions...but it has been WONDERFUL to share that with her. And I'm looking forward to the day when my sister/parents/etc can be there at my kid's soccer games/gymnastics meets/whatevers. A little thing, but a surprisingly important one for me, it turns out.
So long story short: even moving to an objectively shitty place (and I have no idea if Cincinnati is one or not) can be worthwhile if the family relationship is a meaningful one. It was the right move for our family, and maybe could be for yours.
posted by Dorinda at 2:35 PM on May 6
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What was great was meeting at people’s houses and letting the kids run around in the backyard, parks, finding good swimming and soccer and martial arts and arts classes, meeting at big parks to go for a few hours’ bike ride with picnics.
So I would say…with kids it’s a lot about the communities you form and less about the locale.
If this sounds like my tastes got swamped a bit…yeah they did. My girlfriend and I travel a week a year as adult time and we pack a lot of city life in there (I’ll be asking for New Orleans recs in the fall.) but the easy weekend hangouts made up for it.
posted by warriorqueen at 7:21 AM on May 4 [6 favorites]