Raising a kid in two geographic locations?
March 11, 2023 8:39 AM Subscribe
Spouse and I live in Big Blue City (where we met) but both happen to hail from Medium-sized City In Red State about 300 miles from Big Blue City. Since having a kid last year, we have felt twinges of longing to live near family in medium sized city in red state. But I don't like that geographic area, the politics, etc. We would consider trying to be there part of the year (summer, I guess, given academic calendars), but aren't sure how to make that work. Have you raised a kid/been raised in two places e.g. seasonally living different places? Did you own two places, rent one, or just stay with family for the season near family? Is this way too disruptive for a child?
We don't currently have permanently remote jobs but would be willing to consider it to make this work. Family does come to visit, but we don't have enough space for them to comfortably stay with us for more than a night or two. We often get them an airbnb anyway to make it more comfortable. The biggest challenge would be figuring out childcare in two places (in Big Blue City we have a home daycare across the street). In 5-10 years we anticipate our parents will no longer feel comfortable making the drive (they are currently all around 70 and in good health). Our kid may be our only and he has six cousins in mid-size city in red area. We think his childhood will be more fun spending more time with them. Have you found a way to live in two locations with a child?
We don't currently have permanently remote jobs but would be willing to consider it to make this work. Family does come to visit, but we don't have enough space for them to comfortably stay with us for more than a night or two. We often get them an airbnb anyway to make it more comfortable. The biggest challenge would be figuring out childcare in two places (in Big Blue City we have a home daycare across the street). In 5-10 years we anticipate our parents will no longer feel comfortable making the drive (they are currently all around 70 and in good health). Our kid may be our only and he has six cousins in mid-size city in red area. We think his childhood will be more fun spending more time with them. Have you found a way to live in two locations with a child?
As a kid who was very geographically chaotic in the way you describe here, it wasn’t great. I didn’t get the benefits that my parents imagined (much the same as yours). Instead, I missed out on the bonding time with my classmates over the summers and felt isolated during the entire year. Didn’t have friends during the summer that I shared anything in common with and didn’t have good summer vibes with people at school. I didn’t get to form any deep friendships with anyone because I was always coming or going. I am somewhat actively resentful of my parents choice around this. I do not have idyllic memories, I have the feeling of always having been the new kid everywhere.
posted by Bottlecap at 9:32 AM on March 11, 2023 [13 favorites]
posted by Bottlecap at 9:32 AM on March 11, 2023 [13 favorites]
In my experience, your child will never feel like Medium City is really a home. It'll be the place they go for the summers. As they get older, they'll want to keep spending time with their friends from school and Little League or Scouts or whatever else they do.
Listen to that worry about living in Red Area. Things might get better in those places over the next couple of decades, but I wouldn't bet on it. Especially for non-locals.
posted by Etrigan at 9:51 AM on March 11, 2023 [7 favorites]
Listen to that worry about living in Red Area. Things might get better in those places over the next couple of decades, but I wouldn't bet on it. Especially for non-locals.
posted by Etrigan at 9:51 AM on March 11, 2023 [7 favorites]
Counter-counterpoint: your kid is new! Until around age 4, they likely will not make many of those local friendships that thrive on summers together, will not be old enough for camps/sports, and may be most into spending time with older adult family members that they will ever be for the next several decades. If you *like* your families of origin, which I assume you do from this question, I think it could make much sense and be a real gift to your parents to try a split year in a non-ownership capacity and see how it goes. I do think it may get harder as your child gets older.
Finding non-infant daycare slots just for the summer may also be easier than you think -- a fair number of teachers have kids in care only for the school year.
posted by LadyInWaiting at 10:04 AM on March 11, 2023 [2 favorites]
Finding non-infant daycare slots just for the summer may also be easier than you think -- a fair number of teachers have kids in care only for the school year.
posted by LadyInWaiting at 10:04 AM on March 11, 2023 [2 favorites]
Having lived in both a Big Blue City and a Small (Purple) City in a Red State, what i've noticed is that kids in the Big Blue City tend to make bonds with friends and family friends, and kids in Red State small city tend to have a lot of family around. This seems to be because most adults in BBC moved there from elsewhere and had to make community, while many people in Red State city have generational ties to the place. The harder position is to be a kid in the Red State city with no family because so many peers are doing holidays and summer activities with cousins and other family networks. If you stay in BBC, make your own family of choice. Given all this, I would really recommend picking one or the other place as home base (including most of the summer) and diving into making community in the way of that place. If you stay in the city: Don't skimp on visits to cousins in the summers and Xmas etc but don't rely on that the major source of community for your child or yourselves.
posted by ojocaliente at 10:09 AM on March 11, 2023 [6 favorites]
posted by ojocaliente at 10:09 AM on March 11, 2023 [6 favorites]
How close are you to your larger family in general? Does your child have a significant age difference from their cousins? While we certainly had an increased number of small family meet-ups to encourage relationships between similarly aged cousins, these were adult driven ("we're going over to Aunt Sue's for dinner, you play with cousin Billy while the adults talk"). Larger events like summer family reunions also required adult organization + adults ensuring inter-familial play.
And in the long run, friendships only formed among certain cousins who likely would have been friends anyway regardless of relationship.
Living close did however ensure passing recognition and acquaintanceship--which is useful for later events like family gossip, funerals, and weddings.
And if you do move close, I'd encourage being in the same school district and even the same school if possible. This helped friendships form through the usual channels and less based solely on family ties.
posted by beaning at 10:12 AM on March 11, 2023
And in the long run, friendships only formed among certain cousins who likely would have been friends anyway regardless of relationship.
Living close did however ensure passing recognition and acquaintanceship--which is useful for later events like family gossip, funerals, and weddings.
And if you do move close, I'd encourage being in the same school district and even the same school if possible. This helped friendships form through the usual channels and less based solely on family ties.
posted by beaning at 10:12 AM on March 11, 2023
When theJenny & I decided to be snowbirds, we finally opted for casita rentals in the southwest. A little research showed several that met our needs in terms of location and price. This differs from an airBnB in that you get a little (or not so little) house instead of a room in someone else's house. (We eventually found a house in Patch of Blue in a small town in the SW, and bought it.)
This tactic may meet your needs for now, and partially address issues raised by Bottlecap. As a young mule growing up, I never spent two semesters in the same grammar school, so I attest to the validity of Bottlecap's comment.
The Red/Blue issue seems resolvable for now, at least as far as young Sophiaverde is concerned. Spending time with your parents seems to be an important time-related feature of your dilemma. We are retired, our kids are grown and our parents have passed away, so we didn't have some of the issues you described.
posted by mule98J at 10:21 AM on March 11, 2023 [1 favorite]
This tactic may meet your needs for now, and partially address issues raised by Bottlecap. As a young mule growing up, I never spent two semesters in the same grammar school, so I attest to the validity of Bottlecap's comment.
The Red/Blue issue seems resolvable for now, at least as far as young Sophiaverde is concerned. Spending time with your parents seems to be an important time-related feature of your dilemma. We are retired, our kids are grown and our parents have passed away, so we didn't have some of the issues you described.
posted by mule98J at 10:21 AM on March 11, 2023 [1 favorite]
I moved every few years when I was a kid. It was disruptive. If I had lived in one place in the school year and another in the summer, that would have felt like stability. Isn't it a thing for kids to go to summer camp? People don't seem to find summer camp negatively disruptive.
Upside: If you live in the blue city during the school year and the red city during the summer, your kid will learn most of their values from school and the school year, but still be able to communicate with red state people, still be able to feel love and have roots, and build bridges with people from the red state. I think this is super important. If you do this every year, it will be your child's normal.
Downside: if the two cities are geographically distant, you're teaching your child that long-distance travel is normal. Mainstream society may no longer see this as appropriate during your child's lifetime, and then your child will have been raised on something that isn't really an option any more. And will have to deal with the consequences of a strong habit of migration that conflicts with reality.
posted by aniola at 10:29 AM on March 11, 2023 [2 favorites]
Upside: If you live in the blue city during the school year and the red city during the summer, your kid will learn most of their values from school and the school year, but still be able to communicate with red state people, still be able to feel love and have roots, and build bridges with people from the red state. I think this is super important. If you do this every year, it will be your child's normal.
Downside: if the two cities are geographically distant, you're teaching your child that long-distance travel is normal. Mainstream society may no longer see this as appropriate during your child's lifetime, and then your child will have been raised on something that isn't really an option any more. And will have to deal with the consequences of a strong habit of migration that conflicts with reality.
posted by aniola at 10:29 AM on March 11, 2023 [2 favorites]
We live in Very Large City and we have family about 400 miles away in Tiny Town. (How tiny? No stoplight, one store, one gas station, one cafe.)
When Kid was little, we started spending every July in Tiny Town. At first it was just spending time with family. When Kid got older, he was able to join a day camp in the area and meet some local kids as well. As the years went on, he solidified those relationships -- they became actual friends, even if they were just July friends. Nowadays they're all connected via social media, of course. Kid is now almost 20, and last July when we went back he was a counselor at that day camp.
I'm so, so grateful we structured our lives in this way. It was truly the best of both worlds. In Tiny Town, kid could run free in a way he never could in Very Large City. Being in Tiny Town for July meant there was always some summer vacation time before and after to connect with Very Large City friends & activities. It just worked super, super well.
Kid is just wrapping up his sophomore year of college, and trying for a remote summer internship. If he gets it (as opposed to an in-person job), he's told me he wants to spend July in Tiny Town again. I love that!
posted by BlahLaLa at 10:33 AM on March 11, 2023 [15 favorites]
When Kid was little, we started spending every July in Tiny Town. At first it was just spending time with family. When Kid got older, he was able to join a day camp in the area and meet some local kids as well. As the years went on, he solidified those relationships -- they became actual friends, even if they were just July friends. Nowadays they're all connected via social media, of course. Kid is now almost 20, and last July when we went back he was a counselor at that day camp.
I'm so, so grateful we structured our lives in this way. It was truly the best of both worlds. In Tiny Town, kid could run free in a way he never could in Very Large City. Being in Tiny Town for July meant there was always some summer vacation time before and after to connect with Very Large City friends & activities. It just worked super, super well.
Kid is just wrapping up his sophomore year of college, and trying for a remote summer internship. If he gets it (as opposed to an in-person job), he's told me he wants to spend July in Tiny Town again. I love that!
posted by BlahLaLa at 10:33 AM on March 11, 2023 [15 favorites]
I am currently writing this from my brother-in-law’s living room in New Hampshire. The reason we’re here is because he and his family just came back here from their other house in California. They split their time about 60-40. His family (my wife, my mother-in-law, a few others live here, and his partner’s family lives in San Francisco. Their jobs are both remote, but his company is based here and hers is in SF.
It doesn’t seem to have any adverse effects on their kids. The oldest does have some speech stuff, but they’re also bilingual, and everyone seems to agree that’s what’s causing it, not the dual residence.
posted by kevinbelt at 10:36 AM on March 11, 2023
It doesn’t seem to have any adverse effects on their kids. The oldest does have some speech stuff, but they’re also bilingual, and everyone seems to agree that’s what’s causing it, not the dual residence.
posted by kevinbelt at 10:36 AM on March 11, 2023
I grew up in a medium sized city and often spent the summers in a small rural southern town far away with my grandparents. I think that my sibling and I both benefited from that time with our grandparents and extended family, and being immersed in a different cultural environment. A couple of months was long enough for us to feel connected to the rural place but not uprooted from home. We still talk about some of those good times.
With that said, we rarely actually spent time with our cousins. I remember that being a surprise to my mom. We spent most of our time with grandparents and neighbor kids. We had fun when we saw the cousins at church and family get togethers etc. but we didn't have all that much of a relationship. They had their own lives and friends and we weren't really part of that.
I'll also note that my sibling stopped going at a later age due to sports and friends at home. I continued to go because I really enjoyed the time with my Grandma, but didn't spend much, if any time regularly with my cousins.
posted by fies at 11:10 AM on March 11, 2023
With that said, we rarely actually spent time with our cousins. I remember that being a surprise to my mom. We spent most of our time with grandparents and neighbor kids. We had fun when we saw the cousins at church and family get togethers etc. but we didn't have all that much of a relationship. They had their own lives and friends and we weren't really part of that.
I'll also note that my sibling stopped going at a later age due to sports and friends at home. I continued to go because I really enjoyed the time with my Grandma, but didn't spend much, if any time regularly with my cousins.
posted by fies at 11:10 AM on March 11, 2023
Not quite the same situation, but like many other kids from middle or upper-middle class immigrant families in my area, I spent many summers as a young child with my extended family in a whole other country! I did stay consecutively in the same elementary + middle school throughout that time in the US though. I did not find summers abroad destabilizing, though I would not say that I made very strong bonds with my cousins. I do, however, treasure the time I spent getting to know my grandparents, especially because the older I got, the harder that became (HS, then college, jobs, internships, etc!).
I think it was a gift to have some extended time with my grandparents while they were still healthy (which, not to put too fine a point on it, if your child is ~1, and their grandparents are ~70, is more likely to be in these next ten years than in the decade after that).
As an adult, I am never going to choose to live long-term in my grandparents' city or country (for SO many reasons) but it was time well-spent in my childhood nonetheless.
posted by hazelscribe at 11:13 AM on March 11, 2023 [6 favorites]
I think it was a gift to have some extended time with my grandparents while they were still healthy (which, not to put too fine a point on it, if your child is ~1, and their grandparents are ~70, is more likely to be in these next ten years than in the decade after that).
As an adult, I am never going to choose to live long-term in my grandparents' city or country (for SO many reasons) but it was time well-spent in my childhood nonetheless.
posted by hazelscribe at 11:13 AM on March 11, 2023 [6 favorites]
^ My cousins did what hazelscribe describes! (I was the extended family in another country.) I think they did every other summer, but it was great, I'm still close friends with them just like I am with the other cousins who grew up in the area. It helped though that we are all almost the exact same age.
I don't think they found it destabilizing, in fact nowadays they visit more than I do.
posted by Xany at 12:05 PM on March 11, 2023
I don't think they found it destabilizing, in fact nowadays they visit more than I do.
posted by Xany at 12:05 PM on March 11, 2023
My experience is like hazelscribe's. Not destabilizing at all, though apparently one year I was very homesick and cranky all summer. I don't remember this at all. I did become close with my cousins in the old country, much more than with my cousins who also grew up in the US. And I was very close with my maternal grandfather, who was in his late 60s when I was born; memories of going with him on his evening walks or to the market or the post office are something I treasure.
A 50/50 ish split would be challenging for kids, but a school year/summer split is easy-peasy, if you have generous vacation or remote-friendly jobs.
posted by basalganglia at 12:14 PM on March 11, 2023 [2 favorites]
A 50/50 ish split would be challenging for kids, but a school year/summer split is easy-peasy, if you have generous vacation or remote-friendly jobs.
posted by basalganglia at 12:14 PM on March 11, 2023 [2 favorites]
Also, you can probably start by dipping your toe in the water with a month or two at a time when kiddo is young/before school calendars get in the way. You'll also want to suss out if the smaller town is right for you and your partner, not just the kid.
posted by basalganglia at 12:16 PM on March 11, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by basalganglia at 12:16 PM on March 11, 2023 [1 favorite]
My wife hails from the NE and we live in the PNW. She works at a school, resulting in summers off. She packs the kid up and visits for at least a month every summer (some years it’s been for even longer). Logistics wise my in-laws have plenty of space to house them and are happy to have them. He has three cousins out there and enjoys his time with them, but they’re not super close (just all very different personality types).
My kid really likes it, loves getting exposure to his family out there, but also really enjoys coming home. As he gets older we expect to phase this out to a week or two visit each year as he’s making more friends locally that he’ll want to hang out with independently and just have more of his own social life less directed by us.
He doesn’t call his cousins very often but has free rein so do so, and calls his grandparents multiple times a week and has a great relationship with them. They also come out to visit for a full week on this coast every year. It’s a great balance. It works for us and our family, and he has an extremely tight bond with his grandparents despite the distance.
posted by furnace.heart at 12:18 PM on March 11, 2023 [1 favorite]
My kid really likes it, loves getting exposure to his family out there, but also really enjoys coming home. As he gets older we expect to phase this out to a week or two visit each year as he’s making more friends locally that he’ll want to hang out with independently and just have more of his own social life less directed by us.
He doesn’t call his cousins very often but has free rein so do so, and calls his grandparents multiple times a week and has a great relationship with them. They also come out to visit for a full week on this coast every year. It’s a great balance. It works for us and our family, and he has an extremely tight bond with his grandparents despite the distance.
posted by furnace.heart at 12:18 PM on March 11, 2023 [1 favorite]
Where I grew up in a different country, it was very normal for families to spend the summer in the countryside. Not as a rich people thing, but mostly to grow your food for the year because it wasn't available in grocery stores. It was fine, I had summer friends and school friends. Obviously it's a different time and different world but you can definitely try it for a few summers if the kid is young. Can you try to arrange some house swap through your family's contacts? I'm sure there are people who might want to spend time in a big city without paying for lodging.
posted by never.was.and.never.will.be. at 1:01 PM on March 11, 2023
posted by never.was.and.never.will.be. at 1:01 PM on March 11, 2023
I have no experience in this, but I have two good friends who live in Tucson and summer in Boulder. They’ve been doing this since their daughter (now in high school) was very young and it’s been working fine.
posted by computech_apolloniajames at 1:30 PM on March 11, 2023
posted by computech_apolloniajames at 1:30 PM on March 11, 2023
My mother was a SAHM so we spent every summer at my grandparents through high school. I loved being with my grandmother and exploring the neighborhood and participating in my grandparents’ lives. They’re my most precious childhood memories and I wouldn’t exchange that experience for the world.
posted by redlines at 6:03 PM on March 11, 2023
posted by redlines at 6:03 PM on March 11, 2023
I grew up ion the Boston area, and until I was 12 or so, my family had a (tiny, 4 room) cottage in fairly rural Michigan that we went to in the summers. (My father was a professor, and my mother didn't work at the time, so the schedule wasn't a problem on the job front. Basically we'd be there from just after school ended for the year through to the end of August.) Packing the dog and cats and so on in the car and doing a drive with a stop in the middle.
I don't have strong attachments to the spot in Michigan (though I do have a bunch of fond memories), and I never really made close friends there. (I'd have people to play with at the lake, they'd send me to church bible camp mostly to meet other people, etc.) But my brother and sister (who are significantly older than I am) did make a lot of local connections, continued coming out for at least a bit through their college years, etc.
We ended up stopping (and selling the cottage) when I got involved in hobbies that moved into high gear in the summer (horseback riding), and didn't want to miss an entire competition season, basically. I think by that point, my parents were also sort of ready for it, though I was 12, and they didn't get into the details - the beds weren't as comfortable, the rest of the cottage was fine, but not modern, etc. and as they got into their 50s, that was more of an impact. (And it turned out to be a good choice for other family health reasons a couple of years later.)
posted by jenettsilver at 6:16 PM on March 11, 2023
I don't have strong attachments to the spot in Michigan (though I do have a bunch of fond memories), and I never really made close friends there. (I'd have people to play with at the lake, they'd send me to church bible camp mostly to meet other people, etc.) But my brother and sister (who are significantly older than I am) did make a lot of local connections, continued coming out for at least a bit through their college years, etc.
We ended up stopping (and selling the cottage) when I got involved in hobbies that moved into high gear in the summer (horseback riding), and didn't want to miss an entire competition season, basically. I think by that point, my parents were also sort of ready for it, though I was 12, and they didn't get into the details - the beds weren't as comfortable, the rest of the cottage was fine, but not modern, etc. and as they got into their 50s, that was more of an impact. (And it turned out to be a good choice for other family health reasons a couple of years later.)
posted by jenettsilver at 6:16 PM on March 11, 2023
My dear departed SIL invented Cousin Camp for 1-2 weeks each summer at their lake house which allowed for bonding & fun without throwing too much of kid schedules out of whack. She was retired, which helped, and some of these were her grandkids and second cousins to our kids. It’s more about having some time together especially when school schedules start to dictate how families operate.
posted by childofTethys at 7:07 PM on March 11, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by childofTethys at 7:07 PM on March 11, 2023 [1 favorite]
Might be worth chatting with your siblings/siblings in law to find out how often the families and cousins actually do get together. I hardly saw my cousins more when I lived near them than when I lived further.
posted by bluedaisy at 8:28 PM on March 11, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by bluedaisy at 8:28 PM on March 11, 2023 [1 favorite]
I spent a lot of summers away when I was a kid and I loved it and was fine, but I also wasn't someone who would have bonded much with local kids during the summer anyway.
posted by trig at 12:07 AM on March 12, 2023
posted by trig at 12:07 AM on March 12, 2023
Response by poster: Thanks for all the answers so far! Kiddo has multiple cousins within 1-2 years of him and my spouse is very close with his sibs. We already see them one weekend every month or two and longer in the summer and holidays. This would be an expansion of that. But we understand proximity does not equal intimacy and he may not end up close with his cousins.
If anyone has more ideas on logistics (housing/childcare for toddler), we would love to hear it!
posted by Sophiaverde at 10:15 AM on March 12, 2023
If anyone has more ideas on logistics (housing/childcare for toddler), we would love to hear it!
posted by Sophiaverde at 10:15 AM on March 12, 2023
I think your kid will be fine if you keep your expectations modest. Geographic proximity can help kiddo become close to extended family, but there are no guarantees. Expect that by middle / high school there will be a high likelihood of pushback from kiddo. If you think you might eligible for need based financial aid for college, you probably don’t want to own a second home while kiddo is in college (there is also a look back period)* … One option may be to purchase an RV / camper to place on relatives land (or nearby rv park/ campground). Also family might be able to connect you with a local high school or college student for baby sitting / being a parents’ helper.
*obviously financial aid policies might change in the next decade or so. But it’s worth keeping in the back of your mind.
posted by oceano at 9:21 AM on March 13, 2023
*obviously financial aid policies might change in the next decade or so. But it’s worth keeping in the back of your mind.
posted by oceano at 9:21 AM on March 13, 2023
Yes, I do, but mine are 1000+ miles apart. I spend almost the entire summer in a different city, plus some holidays to help my wife take care of her aging parents. My kids have cousins in the different city, but they don't like it and don't like being away from main friends that long. The favorite cousins also live almost 50 miles away in northern Los Angeles, so driving that far to visit is a real pain and time consumer. They also don't have a 2nd set of friends, because the neighborhood is seriously devoid of children and sucks.
posted by The_Vegetables at 10:01 AM on March 13, 2023
posted by The_Vegetables at 10:01 AM on March 13, 2023
In a few years, it might be fun to enroll the cousins in the same summer day camp. Perhaps the adults can alternate pickup days.
posted by oceano at 10:02 AM on March 13, 2023
posted by oceano at 10:02 AM on March 13, 2023
This thread is closed to new comments.
Just as a counterpoint, I had cousins that lived ten minutes away and even my little sister, who was the same age as one of them, did not voluntarily socialize with them at any point. We all get along but we don't actually have enough in common to be friends. Spending summers away from all of my friends would have been miserable and isolating for me.
posted by restless_nomad at 9:28 AM on March 11, 2023 [13 favorites]