Alcohol, friendship and compassionate boundaries
March 8, 2024 5:08 AM Subscribe
My close friend struggles with her drinking. I'm flying in to visit and stay with her for a week. I'm uncomfortable when she drinks in front of me for various reasons, but I don't know if bringing it up and/or gently suggesting she cut down a little while I'm there is unfair, controlling or counterproductive. Ideas on how to approach this?
CW: mentions of alcohol, descriptions of drinking
I've known my friend for decades, and her alcohol use has only recently gotten a little concerning, mostly as a response to a genuinely horrifying string of traumatic events she's gone through in the past few years. It's also not a super severe drinking problem; she doesn't drink a ridiculous amount or anything, but it is more than a lot of people. She is currently in therapy, and her drinking is something she wants to work on. We currently live in different states, but keep in touch regularly and see each other in person once or twice a year. I'm going to visit her for about a week soon.
Her usual pattern is to buy 6-8 beers every night and to finish them a few hours before bed. She doesn't get blackout drunk, aggressive or emotional at all; her behavior is relaxed and chill, and she doesn't get all that hungover so when I'm visiting we can go places and hang out like normal. So I've always felt like shit that I feel weird and uncomfortable to be watching her drink through a six/eight-pack while I'm sober next to her; and we're just watching TV and hanging out. I don't want to control her or be judgmental about her drinking—if she wants to have a couple beers, fine by me, she has every right to that. It's the 6-8 beers that start to make me uncomfortable, plus the fact that I'm aware the beer is a type of self-medication for her currently (she's told me as much), and the fact that I'm usually sober during this (the beers are for her; I don't really like beer and beer is all she can afford rn. I might have one cider or something but only occasionally.)
There's also another layer of complexity to this. In the past year, I've started to somewhat struggle with my drinking—definitely not to the same level, though. I don't drink every day, and am only a few drinks above the recommended weekly maximum, with occasional binge-drinking on weekends; I mostly just struggle with using it to cope with anxiety spikes and have pretty intense cravings to drink whenever I'm anxious. I'm in therapy and am working on it. But I'm not comfortable around alcohol anymore, and will experience these cravings to just numb myself out with it if I'm around it. I'm not currently sober or abstaining from alcohol, and I'm not sure I'm ready to do so, but I do have an awareness that alcohol is a somewhat problematic coping mechanism for me and it is something I am working on.
I've never told any of my friends this. Mostly because my drinking is pretty mild, not even nearing addiction or disordered levels, and I don't want to unnecessarily worry them. So this close friend thinks I have a perfectly healthy relationship with alcohol like I did when we were younger. Her drinking in front of me makes me uncomfortable for her sake, and now for mine, too, since I find myself getting jealous of her self-medication and start craving it, too, though I don't join in since I don't like beer and there's no other types of alcohol in the house. But generally evenings with her feel uneasy, and are starting to make me anxious.
On the other hand, why should she have to cut down her drinking when my sense of discomfort is my own problem to deal with? Trying to ask her to slow down or to just tell her I'm worried about her and this daily ritual makes me feel like I'm trying to control her. I don't like the idea of doing that to her just because I feel weird about it. I'm very aware that if she wants to stop drinking, that is something she'll have to decide on her own—I know I can't "fix" her. I also worry I'll trigger shame in her, and that she'll stop talking to me about her struggles with alcohol out of fear of judgment. I'd hate for that to happen, since I'm totally okay with talking about alcohol; it's just being around it in these specific circumstances that's hard. And I worry about potential physical withdrawals. I have no idea if she's drinking to a level where that's even a concern, I think it's probably unlikely, but I don't want to ask her to put herself through that type of risk, either.
I know this sounds like an unhealthy mess, and right now, it probably is. But we're both reasonable people, despite struggling with problematic relationships with alcohol to different extents; and I'm very aware that if I brought any of this up in conversation, she'd genuinely be open to listening, reflecting and working on a solution that is comfortable for both of us. She doesn't know any of this makes me uncomfortable because I've literally never told her or even hinted at that.
My question is this: is it healthy and fair to express my discomfort and desire for her to slow down with the drinking in front of me like this, or am I crossing a line into being controlling and unhelpful? Or should I bring up the fact that I'm worried about her drinking generally, care about her and would like to talk about it instead? If not, any ideas on how to cope with my own discomfort and triggers around the way she drinks when I'm around her? Please be honest with me here, I'd appreciate it.
And please try to be kind in your assessment of my friend if possible—this is only a small portion of our friendship and her life, and she's genuinely one of the smartest, kindest and sweetest people I know. It's just that trauma has not been kind to her lately, and she's struggling to cope with it in a healthier way. Thank you so much for your thoughts and perspectives.
CW: mentions of alcohol, descriptions of drinking
I've known my friend for decades, and her alcohol use has only recently gotten a little concerning, mostly as a response to a genuinely horrifying string of traumatic events she's gone through in the past few years. It's also not a super severe drinking problem; she doesn't drink a ridiculous amount or anything, but it is more than a lot of people. She is currently in therapy, and her drinking is something she wants to work on. We currently live in different states, but keep in touch regularly and see each other in person once or twice a year. I'm going to visit her for about a week soon.
Her usual pattern is to buy 6-8 beers every night and to finish them a few hours before bed. She doesn't get blackout drunk, aggressive or emotional at all; her behavior is relaxed and chill, and she doesn't get all that hungover so when I'm visiting we can go places and hang out like normal. So I've always felt like shit that I feel weird and uncomfortable to be watching her drink through a six/eight-pack while I'm sober next to her; and we're just watching TV and hanging out. I don't want to control her or be judgmental about her drinking—if she wants to have a couple beers, fine by me, she has every right to that. It's the 6-8 beers that start to make me uncomfortable, plus the fact that I'm aware the beer is a type of self-medication for her currently (she's told me as much), and the fact that I'm usually sober during this (the beers are for her; I don't really like beer and beer is all she can afford rn. I might have one cider or something but only occasionally.)
There's also another layer of complexity to this. In the past year, I've started to somewhat struggle with my drinking—definitely not to the same level, though. I don't drink every day, and am only a few drinks above the recommended weekly maximum, with occasional binge-drinking on weekends; I mostly just struggle with using it to cope with anxiety spikes and have pretty intense cravings to drink whenever I'm anxious. I'm in therapy and am working on it. But I'm not comfortable around alcohol anymore, and will experience these cravings to just numb myself out with it if I'm around it. I'm not currently sober or abstaining from alcohol, and I'm not sure I'm ready to do so, but I do have an awareness that alcohol is a somewhat problematic coping mechanism for me and it is something I am working on.
I've never told any of my friends this. Mostly because my drinking is pretty mild, not even nearing addiction or disordered levels, and I don't want to unnecessarily worry them. So this close friend thinks I have a perfectly healthy relationship with alcohol like I did when we were younger. Her drinking in front of me makes me uncomfortable for her sake, and now for mine, too, since I find myself getting jealous of her self-medication and start craving it, too, though I don't join in since I don't like beer and there's no other types of alcohol in the house. But generally evenings with her feel uneasy, and are starting to make me anxious.
On the other hand, why should she have to cut down her drinking when my sense of discomfort is my own problem to deal with? Trying to ask her to slow down or to just tell her I'm worried about her and this daily ritual makes me feel like I'm trying to control her. I don't like the idea of doing that to her just because I feel weird about it. I'm very aware that if she wants to stop drinking, that is something she'll have to decide on her own—I know I can't "fix" her. I also worry I'll trigger shame in her, and that she'll stop talking to me about her struggles with alcohol out of fear of judgment. I'd hate for that to happen, since I'm totally okay with talking about alcohol; it's just being around it in these specific circumstances that's hard. And I worry about potential physical withdrawals. I have no idea if she's drinking to a level where that's even a concern, I think it's probably unlikely, but I don't want to ask her to put herself through that type of risk, either.
I know this sounds like an unhealthy mess, and right now, it probably is. But we're both reasonable people, despite struggling with problematic relationships with alcohol to different extents; and I'm very aware that if I brought any of this up in conversation, she'd genuinely be open to listening, reflecting and working on a solution that is comfortable for both of us. She doesn't know any of this makes me uncomfortable because I've literally never told her or even hinted at that.
My question is this: is it healthy and fair to express my discomfort and desire for her to slow down with the drinking in front of me like this, or am I crossing a line into being controlling and unhelpful? Or should I bring up the fact that I'm worried about her drinking generally, care about her and would like to talk about it instead? If not, any ideas on how to cope with my own discomfort and triggers around the way she drinks when I'm around her? Please be honest with me here, I'd appreciate it.
And please try to be kind in your assessment of my friend if possible—this is only a small portion of our friendship and her life, and she's genuinely one of the smartest, kindest and sweetest people I know. It's just that trauma has not been kind to her lately, and she's struggling to cope with it in a healthier way. Thank you so much for your thoughts and perspectives.
Are you involved in setting the itinerary? Can you arrange it so that you engage in activities that don't accommodate drinking, such as hiking or kayaking or going to a movie theater? It's also fine to hang out during the day then retreat to your room to sleep at night.
posted by tofu_crouton at 5:57 AM on March 8 [4 favorites]
posted by tofu_crouton at 5:57 AM on March 8 [4 favorites]
It's not controlling at all to own your own problem and ask for what you need. "I've been struggling with my drinking and I'm trying some time away from alcohol. Could we take a sober break together for the week I'm there?" She might welcome the opportunity herself. Or she might say no. And probably the idea of asking this way is going to make you super anxious. But this is the non-controlling way to ask for a need that belongs to you.
posted by shadygrove at 6:17 AM on March 8 [15 favorites]
posted by shadygrove at 6:17 AM on March 8 [15 favorites]
And yes, at the level she's drinking she may not be able to safely take a week's break, but this leaves it in her court to negotiate what she could do to make you comfortable.
posted by shadygrove at 6:20 AM on March 8 [2 favorites]
posted by shadygrove at 6:20 AM on March 8 [2 favorites]
I've never told any of my friends this. Mostly because my drinking is pretty mild, not even nearing addiction or disordered levels, and I don't want to unnecessarily worry them. So this close friend thinks I have a perfectly healthy relationship with alcohol
Why don't you have a conversation with your friend about your struggles with alcohol? Focus on your own personal issues and anxieties and be honest with your friend about what's going on here and how you feel about drinking. Tell her how you feel. Use words like you used in your question. Say something like I find myself getting jealous of her self-medication and start craving it, too and see what happens from there.
Because this isn't about your friend. Like almost this entire question is about you.* It's about you and your feelings and that's what you should focus on if you want to talk to your friend about drinking.
*This is a good thing. It's clear that you are truly aware of your situation with drinking. I hope you and your friend can help each other out. You clearly trust this person so please open up to them if you can find the courage.
posted by RobinofFrocksley at 6:32 AM on March 8 [11 favorites]
Why don't you have a conversation with your friend about your struggles with alcohol? Focus on your own personal issues and anxieties and be honest with your friend about what's going on here and how you feel about drinking. Tell her how you feel. Use words like you used in your question. Say something like I find myself getting jealous of her self-medication and start craving it, too and see what happens from there.
Because this isn't about your friend. Like almost this entire question is about you.* It's about you and your feelings and that's what you should focus on if you want to talk to your friend about drinking.
*This is a good thing. It's clear that you are truly aware of your situation with drinking. I hope you and your friend can help each other out. You clearly trust this person so please open up to them if you can find the courage.
posted by RobinofFrocksley at 6:32 AM on March 8 [11 favorites]
I have a friend similar to this, though I've never stayed with her. Your friend is drinking a lot, enough to have markedly changed her body chemistry so that it's not realistic (and potentially unsafe) to ask her to stop during your visit.
But, you might consider what work arounds might make this easier for you. What if she drank the beer from an opaque mug, and you drank tea out of a mug - would that make it easier? What if you plan on doing separate evening activities? Once you have an idea of what will be a solution besides her stopping, then I think you should present these to her by preferencing it with and "I" statement about your own relationship to alcohol right now.
posted by coffeecat at 6:34 AM on March 8 [1 favorite]
But, you might consider what work arounds might make this easier for you. What if she drank the beer from an opaque mug, and you drank tea out of a mug - would that make it easier? What if you plan on doing separate evening activities? Once you have an idea of what will be a solution besides her stopping, then I think you should present these to her by preferencing it with and "I" statement about your own relationship to alcohol right now.
posted by coffeecat at 6:34 AM on March 8 [1 favorite]
Agree with shadygrove. If you can , open up and share your own struggle. Keep the focus on your current situation re alcohol, i think If you manage to share with her about your own difficulties as you posted them here, there is no need to bring up your feelings about her use of alcohol. Talk about yourself. She might respond by talking about her own struggle or maybe not. Either way i would avoid calling her out on her use of alcohol.
posted by 15L06 at 6:39 AM on March 8 [1 favorite]
posted by 15L06 at 6:39 AM on March 8 [1 favorite]
From the habits you describe, you are both struggling with alcohol; in different ways, of course, but alcohol dependency is incredibly common - its a widely encouraged and available addictive substance! I have been working really hard to reduce my drinking / be sober, and many of the friends I talk with are having the same experience. It sounds like your friend "wants to work on" her drinking, and you are on yours.
So this is not a topic you have to avoid. But you shouldn't ask her to do anything specific - you should tell her what you need during your visit.
My suggestion would be to have a conversation with her before you get there, starting with your own struggle and your need to not be overly exposed to drinking. Just calmly explain it: "Friend, I've been struggling with my drinking and its hard for me to be around friends who are drinking." and then suggest some mitigations - can you avoid TV nights at home by scheduling events like movies or plays in the evenings? Could you stay in a hotel a couple of nights? And if she offers solutions, great! Maybe she's open to not drinking in front of you; maybe she'll cut down a lot. But either way, you take responsibility and don't sit and watch TV together every night while she drains a six pack.
But focus on your needs for this visit, and then if/when she's ready to reach out and ask for your help, she will.
posted by RajahKing at 8:16 AM on March 8 [2 favorites]
So this is not a topic you have to avoid. But you shouldn't ask her to do anything specific - you should tell her what you need during your visit.
My suggestion would be to have a conversation with her before you get there, starting with your own struggle and your need to not be overly exposed to drinking. Just calmly explain it: "Friend, I've been struggling with my drinking and its hard for me to be around friends who are drinking." and then suggest some mitigations - can you avoid TV nights at home by scheduling events like movies or plays in the evenings? Could you stay in a hotel a couple of nights? And if she offers solutions, great! Maybe she's open to not drinking in front of you; maybe she'll cut down a lot. But either way, you take responsibility and don't sit and watch TV together every night while she drains a six pack.
But focus on your needs for this visit, and then if/when she's ready to reach out and ask for your help, she will.
posted by RajahKing at 8:16 AM on March 8 [2 favorites]
This does sound hard, and I'm sorry you and your friend are both struggling with this! I think it would be very reasonable to frame this as "I'm working on some stuff of my own around drinking and could really use a bit of a sober reset - would you be okay with supporting me this week by not drinking in front of me, and can we figure out together what that might look like?" Be open to different options for what that might look like - would you prefer there be no alcohol in the house, but it's okay if she drinks when you go out together? Are you fine with her drinking at home after you go to bed? Would it be a better idea to stay at a hotel, see each other during the day, and go back to your own place at night so whatever she's doing at home is out of sight and out of mind? I suspect "asking her to go cold turkey for the week" is not healthy or possible, but cutting down or keeping it mostly away from you might be.
It may also just be that this isn't a good time for you to visit your friend, if stuff you're working on is going to get set off by her own issues. That's hard but also okay. You can love and support your friend from afar and visit her when you're a bit steadier on your feet around other people's drinking.
posted by Stacey at 8:28 AM on March 8
It may also just be that this isn't a good time for you to visit your friend, if stuff you're working on is going to get set off by her own issues. That's hard but also okay. You can love and support your friend from afar and visit her when you're a bit steadier on your feet around other people's drinking.
posted by Stacey at 8:28 AM on March 8
I can't say enough good things about Al-anon. It's an organization entirely devoted to people in your position, where they're worried about someone else's drinking or drug use and don't know what to do. Al-anon is free, they're pretty much everywhere and structured in such a way that you can be anonymous.
But apart from Al-anon If you're working on your own recovery, you are vulnerable, particularly in early stages, and you have every right to avoid situations that might trigger you. I hope that your friend can be supportive of you if you tell them that you're trying to cut back and it's hard for you to be around her at this time if she's drinking.
Some side points.
Side point 1: I'm a psychologist so I can say this with some knowledge, but this is purely my personal opinion, and it's not mental health advice! In my experience, mental health professionals have traditionally not gotten good training about alcohol and substance use disorders. There are a lot of historical reasons for this - it's a long story. Maybe the training has improved, I certainly hope so. My experience was that, unless they sought out special training, therapists of my generation (old!) tended to be unskilled around these issues because they *thought* they knew what they were doing but actually didn't. So I (we) would ask the wrong questions, ignore clues, and give unhelpful advice. I sincerely hope your, and your friend's therapist are better than that!
Side point 2: I'm very skeptical of the utility of thresholds, like if you drink *this* much you have a problem, if not, you don't. If you're worried about your drinking, it's a problem for you. No need to validate it against some external criteria. imo.
posted by jasper411 at 9:30 AM on March 8 [4 favorites]
But apart from Al-anon If you're working on your own recovery, you are vulnerable, particularly in early stages, and you have every right to avoid situations that might trigger you. I hope that your friend can be supportive of you if you tell them that you're trying to cut back and it's hard for you to be around her at this time if she's drinking.
Some side points.
Side point 1: I'm a psychologist so I can say this with some knowledge, but this is purely my personal opinion, and it's not mental health advice! In my experience, mental health professionals have traditionally not gotten good training about alcohol and substance use disorders. There are a lot of historical reasons for this - it's a long story. Maybe the training has improved, I certainly hope so. My experience was that, unless they sought out special training, therapists of my generation (old!) tended to be unskilled around these issues because they *thought* they knew what they were doing but actually didn't. So I (we) would ask the wrong questions, ignore clues, and give unhelpful advice. I sincerely hope your, and your friend's therapist are better than that!
Side point 2: I'm very skeptical of the utility of thresholds, like if you drink *this* much you have a problem, if not, you don't. If you're worried about your drinking, it's a problem for you. No need to validate it against some external criteria. imo.
posted by jasper411 at 9:30 AM on March 8 [4 favorites]
I think you need to have a conversation with your friend ASAP (and before plans are finalized). You could say something like "Friend, there is something I need you to know about my life right now. For the past year or so, I've been struggling with my relationship with alcohol. Right now I cannot safely [state needed boundaries here]. I understand that you are also having challenges of your own. I was wondering if there were changes* we could make make to the trip so that both of us can stay safe, or if we need to take a rain check."
*e.g. reduce trip duration, you find alternative sleeping accommodations, only meet up in generally alcohol free spaces outside the home during the day, etc. Note that the suggestions you volunteer should be mostly about things under your own control. Your friend is welcome to make suggestions under her own control (and for you to accept them). However, you do need to prepare yourself for the situation if/when your friend doesn't follow through).
There is always a risk that your friend might misconstrue your statements as a reflection on her. But you owe it to yourself to put on your own oxygen mask first. You do this by managing your own boundaries, and not your friend's boundaries with alcohol.
posted by oceano at 10:47 AM on March 8 [2 favorites]
*e.g. reduce trip duration, you find alternative sleeping accommodations, only meet up in generally alcohol free spaces outside the home during the day, etc. Note that the suggestions you volunteer should be mostly about things under your own control. Your friend is welcome to make suggestions under her own control (and for you to accept them). However, you do need to prepare yourself for the situation if/when your friend doesn't follow through).
There is always a risk that your friend might misconstrue your statements as a reflection on her. But you owe it to yourself to put on your own oxygen mask first. You do this by managing your own boundaries, and not your friend's boundaries with alcohol.
posted by oceano at 10:47 AM on March 8 [2 favorites]
Since this is an issue you're both facing (to differing extents, but still a common issue), I think it's perfectly OK to frame the situation that way and start a conversation: "Hey, I know we're both working on establishing a healthy relationship with alcohol, and I'm a little concerned about how we manage that together."
posted by yellowcandy at 10:59 AM on March 8
posted by yellowcandy at 10:59 AM on March 8
Oceano suggested working with your friend to make changes in the visit. Since her drinking takes place in the evening up until bedtime, you might just want to cut out early and go to bed. I do think it would help to tell her a little about your feelings about your own drinking, especially because those feelings may be part of the reason you’re uncomfortable with her beer habit.
posted by wryly at 11:14 AM on March 8 [1 favorite]
posted by wryly at 11:14 AM on March 8 [1 favorite]
Hey friend, good job being honest and vulnerable about your struggles. This all sounds really complicated, and I know you care a lot about your friend and want to do right by both of you. I want to suggest a different take on your friend's drinking.
This:....
It's also not a super severe drinking problem; she doesn't drink a ridiculous amount or anything, but it is more than a lot of people.
Doesn't really align with this...
Her usual pattern is to buy 6-8 beers every night and to finish them a few hours before bed.
Consuming six to eight alcoholic beverages a night is a significant drinking problem. Someone doesn't need to behave erratically or drunkenly for this volume to have a deleterious impact on their physical and mental health. This is not a judgment of her character, or yours, I promise.
Also this...
Mostly because my drinking is pretty mild, not even nearing addiction or disordered levels...
Doesn't really align with this...
I don't drink every day, and am only a few drinks above the recommended weekly maximum, with occasional binge-drinking on weekends; I mostly just struggle with using it to cope with anxiety spikes and have pretty intense cravings to drink whenever I'm anxious. I... experience these cravings to just numb myself out with it if I'm around it.
I think that drinking more than seven drinks a week, primarily in weekend binges, and using alcohol to numb pain and anxiety, is also a kind of addiction. Again, I am not judging your character, I promise.
I know this is hard stuff. I think it's worth an open and honest conversation with your friend in advance of your trip. I would try to put aside comparisons about how much you each drink. That you drink less total than she does isn't as important as the fact that you are finding it a challenge to regulate your own alcohol consumption, and it's hard for you to spend time around people who are drinking. It's also okay for you to say you are worried about her.
posted by bluedaisy at 3:48 PM on March 8
This:....
It's also not a super severe drinking problem; she doesn't drink a ridiculous amount or anything, but it is more than a lot of people.
Doesn't really align with this...
Her usual pattern is to buy 6-8 beers every night and to finish them a few hours before bed.
Consuming six to eight alcoholic beverages a night is a significant drinking problem. Someone doesn't need to behave erratically or drunkenly for this volume to have a deleterious impact on their physical and mental health. This is not a judgment of her character, or yours, I promise.
Also this...
Mostly because my drinking is pretty mild, not even nearing addiction or disordered levels...
Doesn't really align with this...
I don't drink every day, and am only a few drinks above the recommended weekly maximum, with occasional binge-drinking on weekends; I mostly just struggle with using it to cope with anxiety spikes and have pretty intense cravings to drink whenever I'm anxious. I... experience these cravings to just numb myself out with it if I'm around it.
I think that drinking more than seven drinks a week, primarily in weekend binges, and using alcohol to numb pain and anxiety, is also a kind of addiction. Again, I am not judging your character, I promise.
I know this is hard stuff. I think it's worth an open and honest conversation with your friend in advance of your trip. I would try to put aside comparisons about how much you each drink. That you drink less total than she does isn't as important as the fact that you are finding it a challenge to regulate your own alcohol consumption, and it's hard for you to spend time around people who are drinking. It's also okay for you to say you are worried about her.
posted by bluedaisy at 3:48 PM on March 8
I've been in a similar position before and appreciate that it's incredibly difficult. From how you describe her drinking habits, it sounds like your friend has a pretty serious alcohol dependency and I don't think she physically can cut back (without a lot of intensive professional support). So I don't think this is really her fault. But I think it's completely reasonable for you to tell her that her drinking is a trigger for you that you can't currently handle and that you're going to have to take a step away from the friendship while she's still drinking at that level.
posted by lizard2590 at 10:46 AM on March 11 [1 favorite]
posted by lizard2590 at 10:46 AM on March 11 [1 favorite]
You are not logged in, either login or create an account to post comments
At the level your friend is drinking, I don’t think it’s likely they would find a week of abstinence easy. It might also make them irritable, anxious, etc. so I don’t think it’s really practical for her to not drink at all. So given that, do you want to be around alcohol or not? If no, be kind - don’t go.
I don’t think it’s okay for you to count her beers and give her a limit, given that it’s not about her behaviour towards you or driving or something like that. I mean, I agree that is a LOT of drinking. But if it’s about your comfort and it’s because you’re counting the drinks and not because there’s a change…I don’t think that counts as “this is for me.” I don’t know that she’ll be able to see that request as anything but a statement on how much she should drink. I mean you can have the conversation, definitely before you go, but it may not work out on the ground.**
* I cannot be friends with people who drink a lot all the time, and I leave parties before people are drunk. Basically I’m fine with a glass of wine or scotch, sometimes have one myself, or getting tipsy at a party— but for me to be friends with someone 98% of our interactions tend to be sober fun, because I prefer sober fun and drunk people stress me out. This has meant dialing back on some friendships in the past.
** if you need not to be around people drinking right now, that’s awesome. See your friend once you’re on firmer ground.
posted by warriorqueen at 5:53 AM on March 8 [1 favorite]