Friendship in the time of Covid
August 14, 2020 6:31 AM Subscribe
I'm looking for articles or anecdotes on the impact of covid on relationships - not specifically romantic relationships.
During the past few months I've noticed myself thinking differently about my relationships - primarily friendships. I notice attempts to deepen intimacy, signals from acquaintances to level up to actual friend, patterns in withdrawal and approach, feelings of mistrust or affinity. I notice this more with some than with others - and I think I notice it more with newer-ish friends or where one of us is destabilized somehow (particularly with friends whose primary relationships are falling apart).
I find myself thinking a lot more than usual about what I want, what I'm getting, what I'm giving, how much I'm sharing and whether I'm sending the right signals to avoid deepening a friendship with someone who needs support but with whom I don't want to become closer.
I'm curious about this and would like to know more about whether other people are having similar experiences, if it's a covid thing, and, if so, how they are handling it.
During the past few months I've noticed myself thinking differently about my relationships - primarily friendships. I notice attempts to deepen intimacy, signals from acquaintances to level up to actual friend, patterns in withdrawal and approach, feelings of mistrust or affinity. I notice this more with some than with others - and I think I notice it more with newer-ish friends or where one of us is destabilized somehow (particularly with friends whose primary relationships are falling apart).
I find myself thinking a lot more than usual about what I want, what I'm getting, what I'm giving, how much I'm sharing and whether I'm sending the right signals to avoid deepening a friendship with someone who needs support but with whom I don't want to become closer.
I'm curious about this and would like to know more about whether other people are having similar experiences, if it's a covid thing, and, if so, how they are handling it.
A good chunk of mine are drifting off. It really bothers me, I don't know what to do about it, I don't think I CAN do anything about it if people don't reciprocate. If they only want to be in person, there isn't anything I can do about that. I can't get them to do online gatherings. I feel like I am out of options.
posted by jenfullmoon at 11:28 AM on August 14, 2020 [3 favorites]
posted by jenfullmoon at 11:28 AM on August 14, 2020 [3 favorites]
I did some serious considering of my friendships and where I was putting time and energy over the past few years, so before COVID hit I was generally happy with how I was investing my social time. So while this close examination of friendships is definitely happening for me, I feel as though I'm in an uncomfortably passive position where I'm just waiting to see what happens to these relationships that were working quite well for me prior to March 2020. For a combination of external factors out of our control and personal risk tolerance, my spouse and I are still taking a lot of precautions and aren't really socializing much outside of brief park drive-by chats, and it's only in the recent past that approach has started to diverge from that of our friends. I notice myself observing it without much judgment, but with some anxiety about what will happen when the dust settles - how much difficulty will we have reintroducing ourselves into social calendars, who will have drifted off for good, who's going to move, etc. I feel like things will look different but can't speculate on exactly how yet.
We don't have kids but lots of our friends do and I've read so many articles/tweets/etc about the impossibility of parenting during COVID that I now feel VERY uncomfortable talking about any of my/our struggles during this time period with parent friends lest I come off as ignorant or dismissive of their problems. I also tend to do a lot of listening/question asking in my friendships and I have had much less mental energy to do that since this all started, so I feel like I haven't been as present or attentive or usual, and I certainly feel guilty about that. I've noticed some friends reaching out more and some less and that feels like a predictor of what our friendships will be like after the worst of this subsides. Basically, it feels like a weird little waiting game.
posted by superfluousm at 12:39 PM on August 14, 2020 [1 favorite]
We don't have kids but lots of our friends do and I've read so many articles/tweets/etc about the impossibility of parenting during COVID that I now feel VERY uncomfortable talking about any of my/our struggles during this time period with parent friends lest I come off as ignorant or dismissive of their problems. I also tend to do a lot of listening/question asking in my friendships and I have had much less mental energy to do that since this all started, so I feel like I haven't been as present or attentive or usual, and I certainly feel guilty about that. I've noticed some friends reaching out more and some less and that feels like a predictor of what our friendships will be like after the worst of this subsides. Basically, it feels like a weird little waiting game.
posted by superfluousm at 12:39 PM on August 14, 2020 [1 favorite]
I only have anecdotes but I do think the landscape of my friendships has changed somewhat since COVID. There are many upsides, to be honest, though I miss my old life.
People I have become closer to:
-Fairly good friends who live nearby
-Political organizing friends
-People who are local but who I previously interacted with mostly on the internet
-Friends who have been proactive in organizing recurring zoom hangs
-College friends who live elsewhere
People I have maintained about the same level of connection with:
-My best local friends who I used to see and/or text with on a regular basis
-My partner, who I live with (I am intensely grateful the pandemic hasn't strained our relationship too much)
People who I have lost some touch with:
-Pretty good friends in my city who I used to hang out with fairly often but don't text with on a regular basis or see at recurring activities
As you can see, the types of friendship that have improved are more numerous than the ones that haven't, but, God, I miss just going out to dinner or a bar or whatever with the last category of people. I share superfluousm's concern about what'll happen when the dust settles, and when other people may feel more (or less) comfortable with in person contact than I will. Everyone is negotiating so many conflicting factors and I hope friendships don't fall by the wayside. (I recently read Big Friendship, which is not pandemic-specific but may be worth checking out. It's about how to commit to friendships in a world where they often aren't taken seriously compared to other relationships and concerns.)
posted by ferret branca at 1:11 PM on August 14, 2020 [1 favorite]
People I have become closer to:
-Fairly good friends who live nearby
-Political organizing friends
-People who are local but who I previously interacted with mostly on the internet
-Friends who have been proactive in organizing recurring zoom hangs
-College friends who live elsewhere
People I have maintained about the same level of connection with:
-My best local friends who I used to see and/or text with on a regular basis
-My partner, who I live with (I am intensely grateful the pandemic hasn't strained our relationship too much)
People who I have lost some touch with:
-Pretty good friends in my city who I used to hang out with fairly often but don't text with on a regular basis or see at recurring activities
As you can see, the types of friendship that have improved are more numerous than the ones that haven't, but, God, I miss just going out to dinner or a bar or whatever with the last category of people. I share superfluousm's concern about what'll happen when the dust settles, and when other people may feel more (or less) comfortable with in person contact than I will. Everyone is negotiating so many conflicting factors and I hope friendships don't fall by the wayside. (I recently read Big Friendship, which is not pandemic-specific but may be worth checking out. It's about how to commit to friendships in a world where they often aren't taken seriously compared to other relationships and concerns.)
posted by ferret branca at 1:11 PM on August 14, 2020 [1 favorite]
Even before the pandemic all of my close friends lived halfway across the country, so my contact with them was via text message or gchat or facebook. Those friendships haven't changed, really. It's possible we text/chat a little more than before? But it's not significantly different.
I've lost all of my casual contact/in-person friends between the one-two punch of pandemic and being stuck in a different town for the duration. I'd be happy to do sidewalk chats or park visits or picnics but alas, I'm 50 miles away.
Honestly I don't give it much thought. My brain is almost completely occupied with just surviving from wakeup to lunch to bedtime, so there's no real thinking or evaluating or speculating. Maybe I'm being a decent friend to my friends? Probably not? I haven't thought about what kind of friends my friends are being in these times. I kind of feel like I don't expect anything at all from anyone, as I certainly have nothing whatsoever to give.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 1:11 PM on August 14, 2020
I've lost all of my casual contact/in-person friends between the one-two punch of pandemic and being stuck in a different town for the duration. I'd be happy to do sidewalk chats or park visits or picnics but alas, I'm 50 miles away.
Honestly I don't give it much thought. My brain is almost completely occupied with just surviving from wakeup to lunch to bedtime, so there's no real thinking or evaluating or speculating. Maybe I'm being a decent friend to my friends? Probably not? I haven't thought about what kind of friends my friends are being in these times. I kind of feel like I don't expect anything at all from anyone, as I certainly have nothing whatsoever to give.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 1:11 PM on August 14, 2020
I will note that despite having a pretty limited in-person bubble, and no more of this:
-Pretty good friends in my city who I used to hang out with fairly often but don't text with on a regular basis or see at recurring activities
I nonetheless become the same amount of irritated by text messages that I did in the Before Times. Like, I haven't talked to anyone all day long but if my BFF texts during my run I'm still like "ugh, oh my GAHD, I'm trying to run and listen to a podcast here."
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 1:21 PM on August 14, 2020
-Pretty good friends in my city who I used to hang out with fairly often but don't text with on a regular basis or see at recurring activities
I nonetheless become the same amount of irritated by text messages that I did in the Before Times. Like, I haven't talked to anyone all day long but if my BFF texts during my run I'm still like "ugh, oh my GAHD, I'm trying to run and listen to a podcast here."
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 1:21 PM on August 14, 2020
People who I have lost some touch with:
-Pretty good friends in my city who I used to hang out with fairly often but don't text with on a regular basis or see at recurring activities
As you can see, the types of friendship that have improved are more numerous than the ones that haven't, but, God, I miss just going out to dinner or a bar or whatever with the last category of people.
Same, those are the people I'm losing these days. It boils down to "who is chatty electronically," really.
posted by jenfullmoon at 5:17 PM on August 14, 2020
-Pretty good friends in my city who I used to hang out with fairly often but don't text with on a regular basis or see at recurring activities
As you can see, the types of friendship that have improved are more numerous than the ones that haven't, but, God, I miss just going out to dinner or a bar or whatever with the last category of people.
Same, those are the people I'm losing these days. It boils down to "who is chatty electronically," really.
posted by jenfullmoon at 5:17 PM on August 14, 2020
I want to provide an anecdote from the "not electronically chatty" side of the house:
At least for me, virtually all of my text/chat-centric relationships fall into a trap of being mostly about emotional support. The good part is that it means having some friendships where we feel safe reaching out to each other.
But like some of you here, because of distance or simply a lack of remaining common interests, these friendships aren't ones where we also share fun times or interests together. The dark side of all this is that I probably come across as someone whose life is entirely occupied by problems or mundane things.
When I thought about it, one of the big differences between me and most people I know of with more sustainable social networks is that their interactions aren't so skewed towards talk-y, support-centric ways of connecting. Prior to the pandemic, I was experimenting with, well, connecting with newer friends by doing stuff with them, which was a big change for me.
When the pandemic started, taking the doing stuff component out of friendships, as well as being in a bad place due to major life events set my friendships back so much. With everyone having a lot to deal with, I don't want people who are interacting with me to be concerned that talking to me is going to involve a lot of emotional involvement from them, as I'm at best a bit player in their lives. As much as I'd like to provide support to some of them, I know I'm not their go-to. So I'm pretty hesitant to open the door to interactions with anyone unless we have the cover of meeting up as activity partners. A Zoom chat with one of my hiking buddies feels worrisome because...what can I catch them up on that won't potentially feel uncomfortable or ask too much emotional labour of them? They may feel the same way too.
That was long, I apologize. But I think it's worth considering whether a lot of the drifting we're seeing is because we're finding it more difficult to maintain the boundaries that helped us phase in intimacy and kept our friendships healthy. Not just because the world has imploded, but because our ways of interacting limits the tools we can use for bonding.
posted by blerghamot at 6:11 PM on August 14, 2020 [7 favorites]
At least for me, virtually all of my text/chat-centric relationships fall into a trap of being mostly about emotional support. The good part is that it means having some friendships where we feel safe reaching out to each other.
But like some of you here, because of distance or simply a lack of remaining common interests, these friendships aren't ones where we also share fun times or interests together. The dark side of all this is that I probably come across as someone whose life is entirely occupied by problems or mundane things.
When I thought about it, one of the big differences between me and most people I know of with more sustainable social networks is that their interactions aren't so skewed towards talk-y, support-centric ways of connecting. Prior to the pandemic, I was experimenting with, well, connecting with newer friends by doing stuff with them, which was a big change for me.
When the pandemic started, taking the doing stuff component out of friendships, as well as being in a bad place due to major life events set my friendships back so much. With everyone having a lot to deal with, I don't want people who are interacting with me to be concerned that talking to me is going to involve a lot of emotional involvement from them, as I'm at best a bit player in their lives. As much as I'd like to provide support to some of them, I know I'm not their go-to. So I'm pretty hesitant to open the door to interactions with anyone unless we have the cover of meeting up as activity partners. A Zoom chat with one of my hiking buddies feels worrisome because...what can I catch them up on that won't potentially feel uncomfortable or ask too much emotional labour of them? They may feel the same way too.
That was long, I apologize. But I think it's worth considering whether a lot of the drifting we're seeing is because we're finding it more difficult to maintain the boundaries that helped us phase in intimacy and kept our friendships healthy. Not just because the world has imploded, but because our ways of interacting limits the tools we can use for bonding.
posted by blerghamot at 6:11 PM on August 14, 2020 [7 favorites]
I've been pleasantly surprised by the way some of my friendships have gone during the pandemic. It turns out that quite a few of the people whose company I have always enjoyed on a more surface level actually have a lot more to offer than I might ever have known if we'd kept up the same busy pace of quick lunches and group drinks. It's been a revelation to find whose company has been energizing and/or nurturing in this new environment.
The flip side is that I am drifting away from at least one old friend whose neediness and self-absorption have become exhausting. It was less of an issue when we could focus on activities that highlighted their good qualities, but now that our interactions are stripped down to the bare essentials there's no denying how draining they are. The fact that I am having to work hard to manage my own Covid-related anxiety means that I'm not able to provide one-way emotional support on demand as much as I used to, and that's not a welcome shift.
posted by rpfields at 7:17 PM on August 14, 2020 [1 favorite]
The flip side is that I am drifting away from at least one old friend whose neediness and self-absorption have become exhausting. It was less of an issue when we could focus on activities that highlighted their good qualities, but now that our interactions are stripped down to the bare essentials there's no denying how draining they are. The fact that I am having to work hard to manage my own Covid-related anxiety means that I'm not able to provide one-way emotional support on demand as much as I used to, and that's not a welcome shift.
posted by rpfields at 7:17 PM on August 14, 2020 [1 favorite]
What blerghamot says is really smart. For the text/chat relationships I've maintained successfully, one is my most mutually supportive friendship and the others are with people where we have a preexisting pattern of just chatting most of the time, not about serious issues. For my more casual friends, I have found that texting them something that makes me think of them (a cat, a beer, a meme) works well as a low key entry to conversation, but we're definitely not in touch the same way we were when we could see each other in person.
posted by ferret branca at 9:37 AM on August 15, 2020
posted by ferret branca at 9:37 AM on August 15, 2020
I am an introverted loner-type and find myself letting friendships drift away down the Covid stream. I've had a few acquaintances from church check in with me by email or text and a couple by phone call. While I do respond to their outreach within a reasonable time, I don't initiate communication myself. When I think I should reach out to see how an old friend is doing or an extended family member, I let the impulse wither on the vine. I am still in touch with close family members, mostly because I live with my aged mother and they are communicating with her so I get the spillover. I find myself becoming anxious when they visit because I'm not sure how socially distanced or strict about mask-wearing they are. I go out grocery shopping about once a week so I always feel like I may be required to self-isolate/quarantine at any moment. I see this as the new normal rather than a temporary state of being while we wait for vaccine/medical solutions or the pandemic to be over. I am okay with getting take out from a restaurant but don't see myself ever dining inside or going to weddings or funerals or family reunions. Not that I particularly enjoyed all the socializing back in the old days and I do wonder if or when I will feel like I am missing out.
posted by Gino on the Meta at 11:53 AM on August 15, 2020 [2 favorites]
posted by Gino on the Meta at 11:53 AM on August 15, 2020 [2 favorites]
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- I have an acquaintance on my usual dog walking route with whom I stop and chat when she happens to be outside. It's always been very casual but now when I leave she very sincerely says, with meaningful eye contact, "Thanks for stopping to talk. It was really nice to talk to you" etc.
- Work friends are starting to get together at the end of the day for Zoom drinks and to just talk, with lots of sincere expressions of relief and gratitude like "Thanks for putting this together, it's great to talk like this, very therapeutic."
- I have a friend who has asked if she can come over every Saturday for distanced coffee on my deck. I adore her so the answer is a happy yes, but I don't think this is the kind of thing she would have asked in normal times. We both love it.
- My best friends are all long distance and for years and years we have texted every day but rarely talked on the phone. Now we have a lot more long phone conversations and it feels goooood. When we're getting off the phone we almost sound like we just got a massage: "Wow, that was great. We need to do this more often. I feel so much better."
Also, I'm reflecting a lot on my past relationships, realizing times when people made overtures to me and I wasn't receptive for reasons that seem ridiculous to me now. I'm going through boxes of old photos and letters and the sweet letters that people took the time to write . . . Did I reciprocate? Did I appreciate it at the time? I think I was too busy and took for granted that there would always be a lot of people in my life. I am seeing things differently now. People die, relationships fracture, people aren't always going to be standing in line to love you. Before you throw it away, think.
posted by HotToddy at 7:10 AM on August 14, 2020 [8 favorites]