Overwhelmed and trying to do the right thing without self-sacrificing
December 4, 2023 11:49 AM Subscribe
Caregiving for suddenly disabled friend I have a huge crush on, really struggling to deal with my emotions and worrying over how and when to bring up my feelings, help! Many many snowflakes below.
A few months ago, a friend and I started getting closer and spending more time together. We'd known each other for a few years and I had been a little attracted to them for a while, but had never given it much thought. They are a very caring and intelligent person with a similar sense of humor to mine and we really enjoy spending time together.
Well, it didn't take long before I developed a huge crush on them (with all the excitement and anxiety that entails). I was/am almost certain they were into me too, but also could tell their feelings were not in a "thinking about you all the time" place like mine are. That said, there was a definite vibe when we hung out, and their roommate/oldest friend (also my friend) told me that when they got home from watching a movie with me, they were acting "giddy" and "smiley" in a way they don't act after getting together with friends, and she thinks we would be a great couple. I do think this is someone I would be very compatible with long term.
I'm not shy about asking people out. And when I've had unrequited crushes on friends before, as long as the person rejected me in a normal, non-shitty way, I was able to get over it and go back to being friends easily. I trust this friend would be normal and non-shitty about it, so nothing to lose, right? However, I know my crush is someone who is overwhelmed by sudden big life changes, and they were also very preoccupied with and anxious about their ongoing health issues. I decided to do nothing and try to chill for a month or so, to let things settle and manage my intense feelings better, before sharing my feelings in a low-pressure way.
Well, soon after I made this decision, they were hit with a really bad, scary flare up of their chronic illness, which is significantly worse than any that has happened before and left them unable to take care of their basic needs independently. Most likely, this is temporary and they are already feeling a bit better, but I think it will take a while to get back to where they were before this happened.
They also don't have much of a support system. Roommate and I have been doing 100% of the caretaking, which isn't specialized medical assistance, but stuff like making sure they have food and their medication and that chores are done. We don't feel comfortable leaving them alone, so anytime the roommate has to be out of the apartment I am there. Thankfully I work from home so I can do this. We know we're going to have to figure out how to get more support because this wouldn't be sustainable indefinitely.
I know my crush-friend just needs a friend and practical assistance right now and this would be the worst possible time to spring my feelings on them. They are vulnerable and depending on me, and I would hate having them feel like I'm expecting something in return, or be afraid of losing my support if they didn't want to date me (they would not lose my support), or think I am only helping because I think I'm going to get something out of it (which I'm not! I would do this for any good friend and am also there to help the roommate/mutual friend).
I'm having a really hard time dealing with the situation emotionally, though. I think I'm doing a good job of "comfort in, dump out," but I'm really worried about them and it is scary and sad to see them like this. It's also really hard to set my romantic feelings aside when I just want to crawl into bed with them and hold them. I also don't want to let myself get stuck in what would be a really unhealthy situation for me emotionally, that is, long-term caregiving for someone I have unspoken feelings for that I feel like I have to keep to myself. Like I know not to say anything when they wouldn't be able to get a glass of water without me, but when things improve they are still going to need help, so when does it end? I'm also worried that I'll get an answer that is that not that they aren't into me like that (easy to move on from) but that they can't start a relationship because of everything going on with them (which would not be easy to move on from because, in these circumstances, it would probably not just be a "nice" way to say they are not into me like that kind of comment usually is, and I would hold out hope).
Anyway...help? How would you want me to handle this if you were my sick friend? If you have had similar health problems, do you think I'm right to "protect" someone from having to deal with my feelings, when in normal circumstances the existence of these feelings is something they would probably be happy to learn about, and if not would be understanding and kind about? How do I get a handle on my emotions with everything happening right now? How do I know when the time is right to say something about my feelings, and how should I approach the subject then?
A few months ago, a friend and I started getting closer and spending more time together. We'd known each other for a few years and I had been a little attracted to them for a while, but had never given it much thought. They are a very caring and intelligent person with a similar sense of humor to mine and we really enjoy spending time together.
Well, it didn't take long before I developed a huge crush on them (with all the excitement and anxiety that entails). I was/am almost certain they were into me too, but also could tell their feelings were not in a "thinking about you all the time" place like mine are. That said, there was a definite vibe when we hung out, and their roommate/oldest friend (also my friend) told me that when they got home from watching a movie with me, they were acting "giddy" and "smiley" in a way they don't act after getting together with friends, and she thinks we would be a great couple. I do think this is someone I would be very compatible with long term.
I'm not shy about asking people out. And when I've had unrequited crushes on friends before, as long as the person rejected me in a normal, non-shitty way, I was able to get over it and go back to being friends easily. I trust this friend would be normal and non-shitty about it, so nothing to lose, right? However, I know my crush is someone who is overwhelmed by sudden big life changes, and they were also very preoccupied with and anxious about their ongoing health issues. I decided to do nothing and try to chill for a month or so, to let things settle and manage my intense feelings better, before sharing my feelings in a low-pressure way.
Well, soon after I made this decision, they were hit with a really bad, scary flare up of their chronic illness, which is significantly worse than any that has happened before and left them unable to take care of their basic needs independently. Most likely, this is temporary and they are already feeling a bit better, but I think it will take a while to get back to where they were before this happened.
They also don't have much of a support system. Roommate and I have been doing 100% of the caretaking, which isn't specialized medical assistance, but stuff like making sure they have food and their medication and that chores are done. We don't feel comfortable leaving them alone, so anytime the roommate has to be out of the apartment I am there. Thankfully I work from home so I can do this. We know we're going to have to figure out how to get more support because this wouldn't be sustainable indefinitely.
I know my crush-friend just needs a friend and practical assistance right now and this would be the worst possible time to spring my feelings on them. They are vulnerable and depending on me, and I would hate having them feel like I'm expecting something in return, or be afraid of losing my support if they didn't want to date me (they would not lose my support), or think I am only helping because I think I'm going to get something out of it (which I'm not! I would do this for any good friend and am also there to help the roommate/mutual friend).
I'm having a really hard time dealing with the situation emotionally, though. I think I'm doing a good job of "comfort in, dump out," but I'm really worried about them and it is scary and sad to see them like this. It's also really hard to set my romantic feelings aside when I just want to crawl into bed with them and hold them. I also don't want to let myself get stuck in what would be a really unhealthy situation for me emotionally, that is, long-term caregiving for someone I have unspoken feelings for that I feel like I have to keep to myself. Like I know not to say anything when they wouldn't be able to get a glass of water without me, but when things improve they are still going to need help, so when does it end? I'm also worried that I'll get an answer that is that not that they aren't into me like that (easy to move on from) but that they can't start a relationship because of everything going on with them (which would not be easy to move on from because, in these circumstances, it would probably not just be a "nice" way to say they are not into me like that kind of comment usually is, and I would hold out hope).
Anyway...help? How would you want me to handle this if you were my sick friend? If you have had similar health problems, do you think I'm right to "protect" someone from having to deal with my feelings, when in normal circumstances the existence of these feelings is something they would probably be happy to learn about, and if not would be understanding and kind about? How do I get a handle on my emotions with everything happening right now? How do I know when the time is right to say something about my feelings, and how should I approach the subject then?
Best answer: Two thoughts:
1. I think you're right that now isn't the time to tell them about your feelings. I like The-Vegetables' suggestion here. Wait a few months or wait until this particular flare up passes, whichever is sooner. The only thing I would add is to underline that your feelings are... really lovely? How you feel for your friend is sweet and precious and an expression of the best aspect of being human. And while it's natural that you feel anxious and flustered and overthinky about how to disclose it, I hope you will attribute your anxiety to the correct explanation (that revealing yourself is a vulnerable thing to do! that's why you're anxious!). Be careful not to attribute your anxiety to self-deprecating or self-shaming reasons like "I feel anxious because revealing my feelings would burden my friend," or "I feel anxious about doing this because I would be acting needy and making demands on them during a tough time," or "I'm anxious because my feelings are inappropriate given our situation," etc. You know? Be careful not to shame your own heart. This is beautiful! What you're feeling is like joy or hope: a pure good.
2. I share your concern for your own self-care and making sure that you don't go overboard providing care to a level that burns you out or has other bad impacts on your life. Right now this person is a friend, not a life partner. But if you're anything like me, your crush may blur those distinctions in your mind and you might have a feeling like, "Nothing they need is too much to ask of me!" and worse, you might act on those feelings. That's... not a great idea. You sound like a thoughtful and mature person, so USE THAT for both your own benefit and for theirs. Get yourself into a self-centering frame of mind and from that space, decide what you are truly able to do for your friend. As opposed to being guided by what THEY need, be guided by what YOU can sustainably do.
- How many hours a week can you set aside to do caregiving work for this person? Can you make a routine out of it, like, 1 hour on Tuesdays, 1 hour on Thursdays, and 2 hours on Saturdays? and outside of these scheduled hours if you hang out with them, you'll *just* hang out and not do caregiving work?
- How much money can you afford to spend? Really look your budget and crunch those numbers. Where is this extra money going to come from - can you take it out of an optional expense (like your vacation fund) or will it need to come from your bare-minimum living expenses (such as your emergency fund monthly allocation)? If the latter, is it truly wise? Note: Any income lost from working reduced hours at your job needs to be counted here.
- Be careful not to swoop in and rescue your friend to such an extent that they lose their opportunity to seek out other sources of support and build a sustainable + diversified network for themselves. It's a nice impulse on your part to take over all their medical appointments, but if your takeover keeps them from accessing county transportation services for this purpose, maybe what you're doing doesn't actually help them.
posted by MiraK at 1:31 PM on December 4, 2023 [8 favorites]
1. I think you're right that now isn't the time to tell them about your feelings. I like The-Vegetables' suggestion here. Wait a few months or wait until this particular flare up passes, whichever is sooner. The only thing I would add is to underline that your feelings are... really lovely? How you feel for your friend is sweet and precious and an expression of the best aspect of being human. And while it's natural that you feel anxious and flustered and overthinky about how to disclose it, I hope you will attribute your anxiety to the correct explanation (that revealing yourself is a vulnerable thing to do! that's why you're anxious!). Be careful not to attribute your anxiety to self-deprecating or self-shaming reasons like "I feel anxious because revealing my feelings would burden my friend," or "I feel anxious about doing this because I would be acting needy and making demands on them during a tough time," or "I'm anxious because my feelings are inappropriate given our situation," etc. You know? Be careful not to shame your own heart. This is beautiful! What you're feeling is like joy or hope: a pure good.
2. I share your concern for your own self-care and making sure that you don't go overboard providing care to a level that burns you out or has other bad impacts on your life. Right now this person is a friend, not a life partner. But if you're anything like me, your crush may blur those distinctions in your mind and you might have a feeling like, "Nothing they need is too much to ask of me!" and worse, you might act on those feelings. That's... not a great idea. You sound like a thoughtful and mature person, so USE THAT for both your own benefit and for theirs. Get yourself into a self-centering frame of mind and from that space, decide what you are truly able to do for your friend. As opposed to being guided by what THEY need, be guided by what YOU can sustainably do.
- How many hours a week can you set aside to do caregiving work for this person? Can you make a routine out of it, like, 1 hour on Tuesdays, 1 hour on Thursdays, and 2 hours on Saturdays? and outside of these scheduled hours if you hang out with them, you'll *just* hang out and not do caregiving work?
- How much money can you afford to spend? Really look your budget and crunch those numbers. Where is this extra money going to come from - can you take it out of an optional expense (like your vacation fund) or will it need to come from your bare-minimum living expenses (such as your emergency fund monthly allocation)? If the latter, is it truly wise? Note: Any income lost from working reduced hours at your job needs to be counted here.
- Be careful not to swoop in and rescue your friend to such an extent that they lose their opportunity to seek out other sources of support and build a sustainable + diversified network for themselves. It's a nice impulse on your part to take over all their medical appointments, but if your takeover keeps them from accessing county transportation services for this purpose, maybe what you're doing doesn't actually help them.
posted by MiraK at 1:31 PM on December 4, 2023 [8 favorites]
Best answer: I don't know, I think it's a lot to ask of you that you swallow your feelings and spend this much time caring this intensively for a friend over so much time, putting your free time and your true feelings aside at the same time. This is hardly the norm of good friends who bring chicken soup once in a while or pick up some meds at the pharmacy. The level of sacrifice here is typically the role of a partner (or perhaps roommate to a smaller extent, as in picking up extra chores around the house.) Would you *really* be there taking care of any normal friend this way if you'd only been actually hanging out one on one in a platonic way for a couple of months over a shared activity? Most people would not, and that doesn't make them bad friends. It's just that most of us, in times of real need, have to get a wider support network or make other arrangments.
I think it is really important that you are aware of NOT framing this in any way that could be mistaken as a quid pro quo. You don't even feel that way and it would be awful to be misread that way. But it's a lot to ask of you that you silently care for this friend while harboring hopes of a future.
Illness sucks but it doesn't make the person have less agency. If I were your friend (and I might be in the minority here) I'd want you to be able to let me know that since before this flare happened, you'd had a crush on me, and that you don't expect anything but wanted to let me know.
Who knows maybe they will say that makes them uncomfortable and you'd have to stop caring for them. Factor that in before you say anything. If you'd rather stay and take care of them as a friend than have to take that risk then by all means leave things as they are. But this random internet stranger doesn't think it's necessarily so bad to share your feelings in the right way here.
posted by little striped mule at 4:13 PM on December 4, 2023 [2 favorites]
I think it is really important that you are aware of NOT framing this in any way that could be mistaken as a quid pro quo. You don't even feel that way and it would be awful to be misread that way. But it's a lot to ask of you that you silently care for this friend while harboring hopes of a future.
Illness sucks but it doesn't make the person have less agency. If I were your friend (and I might be in the minority here) I'd want you to be able to let me know that since before this flare happened, you'd had a crush on me, and that you don't expect anything but wanted to let me know.
Who knows maybe they will say that makes them uncomfortable and you'd have to stop caring for them. Factor that in before you say anything. If you'd rather stay and take care of them as a friend than have to take that risk then by all means leave things as they are. But this random internet stranger doesn't think it's necessarily so bad to share your feelings in the right way here.
posted by little striped mule at 4:13 PM on December 4, 2023 [2 favorites]
I keep thinking about the piece of your post that goes:
> left them unable to take care of their basic needs independently. ... They also don't have much of a support system. Roommate and I have been doing 100% of the caretaking, ... like making sure they have food and their medication and that chores are done. We don't feel comfortable leaving them alone, so anytime the roommate has to be out of the apartment I am there
That really is a lot, and IMO it's not a good idea for you to be taking on quite this much responsibility for someone who is just a friend and not your long term partner.
Don't get me wrong, it's great that you've been able to step in for this emergency, but this is a real teach-a-person-to-fish situation. Rather than designating yourself IT for the duration of this indefinite emergency (and possibly future ones??), it would help your friend to use the emergency help you are giving them as a respite which allows them to set up more sustainable and appropriate sources of care for the next time. Community resources, insurance coverage, local food banks, in-home assistance from religious charities, other friends, maybe even family... Your friend needs to be calling and leaning on ALL these. Don't just give them a fish for today, encourage them to really dig into exploring options for sustainable support.
posted by MiraK at 5:29 PM on December 4, 2023 [2 favorites]
> left them unable to take care of their basic needs independently. ... They also don't have much of a support system. Roommate and I have been doing 100% of the caretaking, ... like making sure they have food and their medication and that chores are done. We don't feel comfortable leaving them alone, so anytime the roommate has to be out of the apartment I am there
That really is a lot, and IMO it's not a good idea for you to be taking on quite this much responsibility for someone who is just a friend and not your long term partner.
Don't get me wrong, it's great that you've been able to step in for this emergency, but this is a real teach-a-person-to-fish situation. Rather than designating yourself IT for the duration of this indefinite emergency (and possibly future ones??), it would help your friend to use the emergency help you are giving them as a respite which allows them to set up more sustainable and appropriate sources of care for the next time. Community resources, insurance coverage, local food banks, in-home assistance from religious charities, other friends, maybe even family... Your friend needs to be calling and leaning on ALL these. Don't just give them a fish for today, encourage them to really dig into exploring options for sustainable support.
posted by MiraK at 5:29 PM on December 4, 2023 [2 favorites]
This is giving me a bit of deja vu to me a few years ago, unfortunately. Especially this bit: I'm also worried that I'll get an answer that is that not that they aren't into me like that (easy to move on from) but that they can't start a relationship because of everything going on with them (which would not be easy to move on from because, in these circumstances, it would probably not just be a "nice" way to say they are not into me like that kind of comment usually is, and I would hold out hope).
I'm not sure what the advice would be from a temporarily(?) disabled point of view, but I suspect if friend is that ill, saying something like, "I'm literally not up to having a relationship" seems highly likely to come up as long as friend is that ill and probably still likely to be ill in the future. I also note in my case, I kinda got an "It's not you, it's me" sort of implied answer when I asked AND mine had a disability issue that might have had some influence on the situation, except in truth it turned out to be "you're repulsive," so....people who at least kinda care about you are going to be at least somewhat likely to mealymouth the truth and say, "It's not you, it's me" when, well, that might not be the case. Like it doesn't sound like friend finds you repulsive, but I was unpleasantly surprised so what the fuck do I know. I have had people suggest to me that romantic feelings just plain didn't occur to the dude, even if he felt positively about it, so maybe that might be it for yours too.
On the one hand, I agree that confessing your feelings under the circumstances may very well be too much pressure, friend may have health freakout and say no, it might make things awkward when you are being their caregiver, blah de blah. On the other hand, it's the fucking holidays and literally every single movie is telling you to confess your love, and I honestly don't know how you're gonna keep on stiflin' during the holiday season with all that social pressure and built up love going on, either. Or keep on stiflin' for six months or however long the health crisis goes on, either.
My best guess here is some kind of moderate in the middle take. Kinda like (please don't shoot me for bringing up this example) the Love Actually "without hope or expectation" sentiment going on. Yes, I care about you Like That and I felt like that before you got sick and I still do, no, I don't expect that anything is going to happen any time soon, I don't plan on discontinuing helping you if this doesn't go well, unless you want me to go away. (Which, maybe, because confessions of un-mutual crushdom can lead to that.) Think out what you're going to do if it goes badly--would you quit caregiving or get someone else to help instead? Could you still stand to be around friend if friend does find you repulsive romantically? Or says no, they'll be too ill to ever have a relationship again? Think ahead and plan ahead if it goes poorly, make a game plan as to what you will do if it goes badly.
But also, perhaps it's better to know if it'll never, ever happen so you can move on. It sounds like you "move on" more easily than I do, so frankly, maybe just get it over with. Because I'm not at all sure if "protecting friend's feelings" is any better to worry about it now or six months from now if they are still sick or whatever. I don't know the friend well enough to be able to guess. But you're going to be pining for like, months at least if you wait around, and the holidays make it worse, and honestly, I'm thinking, just get the no over with if you're going to get one. Fuck it, say something as long as you have a plan for dealing with poor consequences.
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:08 PM on December 4, 2023 [1 favorite]
I'm not sure what the advice would be from a temporarily(?) disabled point of view, but I suspect if friend is that ill, saying something like, "I'm literally not up to having a relationship" seems highly likely to come up as long as friend is that ill and probably still likely to be ill in the future. I also note in my case, I kinda got an "It's not you, it's me" sort of implied answer when I asked AND mine had a disability issue that might have had some influence on the situation, except in truth it turned out to be "you're repulsive," so....people who at least kinda care about you are going to be at least somewhat likely to mealymouth the truth and say, "It's not you, it's me" when, well, that might not be the case. Like it doesn't sound like friend finds you repulsive, but I was unpleasantly surprised so what the fuck do I know. I have had people suggest to me that romantic feelings just plain didn't occur to the dude, even if he felt positively about it, so maybe that might be it for yours too.
On the one hand, I agree that confessing your feelings under the circumstances may very well be too much pressure, friend may have health freakout and say no, it might make things awkward when you are being their caregiver, blah de blah. On the other hand, it's the fucking holidays and literally every single movie is telling you to confess your love, and I honestly don't know how you're gonna keep on stiflin' during the holiday season with all that social pressure and built up love going on, either. Or keep on stiflin' for six months or however long the health crisis goes on, either.
My best guess here is some kind of moderate in the middle take. Kinda like (please don't shoot me for bringing up this example) the Love Actually "without hope or expectation" sentiment going on. Yes, I care about you Like That and I felt like that before you got sick and I still do, no, I don't expect that anything is going to happen any time soon, I don't plan on discontinuing helping you if this doesn't go well, unless you want me to go away. (Which, maybe, because confessions of un-mutual crushdom can lead to that.) Think out what you're going to do if it goes badly--would you quit caregiving or get someone else to help instead? Could you still stand to be around friend if friend does find you repulsive romantically? Or says no, they'll be too ill to ever have a relationship again? Think ahead and plan ahead if it goes poorly, make a game plan as to what you will do if it goes badly.
But also, perhaps it's better to know if it'll never, ever happen so you can move on. It sounds like you "move on" more easily than I do, so frankly, maybe just get it over with. Because I'm not at all sure if "protecting friend's feelings" is any better to worry about it now or six months from now if they are still sick or whatever. I don't know the friend well enough to be able to guess. But you're going to be pining for like, months at least if you wait around, and the holidays make it worse, and honestly, I'm thinking, just get the no over with if you're going to get one. Fuck it, say something as long as you have a plan for dealing with poor consequences.
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:08 PM on December 4, 2023 [1 favorite]
As someone whose partner is disabled and who spent a portion of our relationship doing a lot of care work related to that - before he managed to find a paid PA with funding from our local council - this can be exhausting and can put a lot of strain on a relationship. Ideally a partner doesn’t do this kind of work, it places too much reliance for the disabled person on someone they’re in a romantic relationship with which very easily results in resentment on both sides and can also lead to abuse. It’s better for a disabled person’s dignity if their caregivers are somewhat independent, be that friends, family, or ideally professional caregivers who they have a good rapport with and who can be totally focused on providing that care. In practice, obviously a lot of the time it does come down to a partner to do the bulk of the caregiving work. I’d suggest you wait to talk about your feelings until the flare is over because this is a chance for you to figure out whether or not you have the capacity to do this stuff in the long term. Spend time with them while you’re around a lot and let your connection develop, but avoid confusing the situation and putting the question in your friend’s mind about whether you’ll be able to cope with their illness in the long term at the same time as the vulnerability of accepting help from you right now. It sounds like you’re already very conscious of their feelings, which is great. I’d encourage you to be conscious of how you’re doing and not look at this with the rose tinted glasses of a new crush too much - imagine yourself still doing all these things in five years time, imagine what complicated emotions they might have about that, try to be clear eyed about whether you’re up for a relationship that comes with all this complication and extra work.
I’d also suggest (if you can) using some of your energy to rope in other friends and community members to help with caregiving in small ways - maybe set up a meal roster, or organise other people with cars to deliver stuff or help with lifts to appointments - so that you’re bringing in more independent support and taking the pressure off yourself from the get go. Do not be tempted to feel like ‘I will do it all as a gesture of love’ - that way leads burnout for you and unhealthy reliance on one person (especially if that person is a romantic partner) for them, which will not be good for any future relationship.
posted by chives at 3:17 AM on December 5, 2023 [3 favorites]
I’d also suggest (if you can) using some of your energy to rope in other friends and community members to help with caregiving in small ways - maybe set up a meal roster, or organise other people with cars to deliver stuff or help with lifts to appointments - so that you’re bringing in more independent support and taking the pressure off yourself from the get go. Do not be tempted to feel like ‘I will do it all as a gesture of love’ - that way leads burnout for you and unhealthy reliance on one person (especially if that person is a romantic partner) for them, which will not be good for any future relationship.
posted by chives at 3:17 AM on December 5, 2023 [3 favorites]
It’s better for a disabled person’s dignity if their caregivers are somewhat independent, be that friends, family, or ideally professional caregivers who they have a good rapport with and who can be totally focused on providing that care.
As someone in the US with decent insurance, if you all can find professional caregivers available at non-breaking the bank rates, please let me know. My wife paid over $100 a week for someone to come by for 30 minutes 5 days a week for her bedridden father, and that person was potentially not a legal US citizen, and the insurance-paid people only came twice a week for 20 minutes.
This care absolutely falls on partners, spouses, family members and friends as free labor or it is done by no-one unless you are pretty wealthy.
posted by The_Vegetables at 7:29 AM on December 5, 2023 [3 favorites]
As someone in the US with decent insurance, if you all can find professional caregivers available at non-breaking the bank rates, please let me know. My wife paid over $100 a week for someone to come by for 30 minutes 5 days a week for her bedridden father, and that person was potentially not a legal US citizen, and the insurance-paid people only came twice a week for 20 minutes.
This care absolutely falls on partners, spouses, family members and friends as free labor or it is done by no-one unless you are pretty wealthy.
posted by The_Vegetables at 7:29 AM on December 5, 2023 [3 favorites]
Just to address the above comment from The_Vegetables and clarify my comment with more context - I totally get that most of the time in practice this kind of care is done by partners, relatives or friends and that’s why I suggested widening that support system as much as possible by getting other friends involved and didn’t just say that they should hire someone as if that would be easy to do. In my experience, my partner and I live in the UK and here we have a system called ‘direct payments’ that basically means if you meet certain eligibility criteria set by your local council then they will pay for someone to work for you as a Personal Assistant. It was a pretty big disability justice win when it was implemented, and is one of the few parts of our state social security net that’s currently still fairly intact. (Otherwise, my partner lives pretty much below the poverty line surviving on state disability benefits and what financial help I can give him from
my crappy job.)
I completely recognise that it’s not the majority of peoples’ experience to be able to access independent care (and I did say in the next sentence after this quote that in practice it does fall to romantic partners a lot of the time) but where it is available independent professional care is often a better solution in terms of the disabled person’s experience. Having that level of autonomy in arranging their own care is what most disabled activists advocate for and it’s a disgrace that this is not accessible more widely.
In the context of this question about entering into a relationship where there is this caregiving dynamic, I was speaking from my own experience of having independent care hugely easing the strain on my relationship for both me and my partner and really improving his quality of life. I think it’s worth pointing out that this kind of professional care is sometimes available (either for free or subsidised) in some places, as it was in ours, as this might be something that the OP could help their friend/potential partner to look into depending on their location and circumstances.
posted by chives at 2:12 PM on December 5, 2023 [1 favorite]
my crappy job.)
I completely recognise that it’s not the majority of peoples’ experience to be able to access independent care (and I did say in the next sentence after this quote that in practice it does fall to romantic partners a lot of the time) but where it is available independent professional care is often a better solution in terms of the disabled person’s experience. Having that level of autonomy in arranging their own care is what most disabled activists advocate for and it’s a disgrace that this is not accessible more widely.
In the context of this question about entering into a relationship where there is this caregiving dynamic, I was speaking from my own experience of having independent care hugely easing the strain on my relationship for both me and my partner and really improving his quality of life. I think it’s worth pointing out that this kind of professional care is sometimes available (either for free or subsidised) in some places, as it was in ours, as this might be something that the OP could help their friend/potential partner to look into depending on their location and circumstances.
posted by chives at 2:12 PM on December 5, 2023 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Update: I ripped off the band aid, told my friend that I liked them as more than a friend, and asked them out. They said yes :-) and we are both on the same page about wanting to take things slow. There has been significant improvement with their health this week, so while they are still going to be recovering, it's not the dire situation it felt like at first and they have been in a better place emotionally than when the health crisis initially happened.
All of your comments were really helpful, especially those reminding me that my feelings aren't selfish but were coming from a good place, and the one dissenter who questioned whether it was reasonable to expect me to swallow my feelings for as long as I initially was telling myself I should.
Also, you were all very kind in being concerned about my friend needing a wider network of support and resources. They have been starting to do some planning around getting more assistance at home. I'm going to be pretty hands off about this. They are not less capable than me of figuring these things out and do have a good job so it's not a totally dire situation. I was never intending to take so much on that it prevented them from coming up with more sustainable support, but things fell apart really suddenly and unexpectedly, and we didn't have a plan at all or the bandwidth to come up for air until things settled down a bit.
posted by Anyone's Ghost 16 at 8:44 PM on December 5, 2023 [7 favorites]
All of your comments were really helpful, especially those reminding me that my feelings aren't selfish but were coming from a good place, and the one dissenter who questioned whether it was reasonable to expect me to swallow my feelings for as long as I initially was telling myself I should.
Also, you were all very kind in being concerned about my friend needing a wider network of support and resources. They have been starting to do some planning around getting more assistance at home. I'm going to be pretty hands off about this. They are not less capable than me of figuring these things out and do have a good job so it's not a totally dire situation. I was never intending to take so much on that it prevented them from coming up with more sustainable support, but things fell apart really suddenly and unexpectedly, and we didn't have a plan at all or the bandwidth to come up for air until things settled down a bit.
posted by Anyone's Ghost 16 at 8:44 PM on December 5, 2023 [7 favorites]
YAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!!!!!!! I am so happy for you!!!!!! This makes my morning, honestly. I'm so glad this went well for someone! Hearts to you both and good luck!
posted by jenfullmoon at 6:43 AM on December 6, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by jenfullmoon at 6:43 AM on December 6, 2023 [1 favorite]
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If it doesn't end relatively soon (say more than 6 months), then I think you can say the same thing in a tender moment when they are feeling their best given the circumstances, especially since they already have some help via their roommate. And just see where it lands.
posted by The_Vegetables at 12:13 PM on December 4, 2023 [5 favorites]