How can I be less annoyed when my mom complains about her medication?
October 23, 2023 3:03 PM Subscribe
I'm the primary caretaker for my mom. She has a mental illness for which she receives periodic injections. Several psychiatrists have told us that she would almost certainly relapse without the medication. My mom doesn't believe she's ill. She complains every day about the medication, and I feel irritated hearing it for the 1000th time. How can I let the complaints roll off my back instead?
My mom lives with me. She has a mental illness that was untreated for many years. Those were terrible years, with disappearances, police phone calls, delusional episodes, car accidents, paranoia, and inpatient treatments at mental hospitals. She was suffering because she felt extreme fear every day. As her family, we also lived under a cloud of fear because we never knew when the next emergency would be.
Now she receives periodic injections which control all those symptoms. Great! However, she doesn't think she has a mental illness. She has downplayed all the prior incidents, or believed they were just misunderstandings. In medical terms, she has anosognosia (lack of self-awareness about the illness). Every day, she asks if she can stop the medication, and she complains about its alleged side effects.
She is in her mid-70s now, and she attributes every sign of aging to her mental-health medication. Trouble sleeping, grey hair, needing reading glasses, slower movement, reduced strength have all been blamed on the medication.
Any time we're doing a family activity together or eating together, she'll give a dramatic sigh and say something like, "I'm so unhappy because my stupid useless medication has caused me to feel weaker" or "I'm not sure if I'll be able to walk down the street to the restaurant because my medication has taken away my strength." In actuality, she walks 4 miles every day and does strength training several times per week.
Several doctors examined her and ran tests. They said that there's no physical reasons for her reduced strength, trouble sleeping, etc and that those are all signs of being in her 70s. They said that while it's conceivable that her medication caused these side effects, it would be very rare. The typical side effects are weight gain and nausea, which she doesn't have.
Using logic to attempt to convince her does not work at all. If I remind her that being off medication caused her to be hospitalized in the past, she'll claim that the hospitalizations were an overreaction, those previous doctors were incompetent, and that there was never anything wrong with her. She gets agitated, and she argues against every point.
Her complaints are disproportionate to reality. Even though she walks 4 miles every day for exercise, she claims that the medicine has made her "essentially an invalid who can't walk any more". Doctors have said that she's very healthy for her age. Her peers are in their 70s and 80s and are struggling with surgeries, cancer, strokes, and heart conditions. By comparison, she has none of those and has been very healthy. But she talks about herself as though she's the most decrepit person she knows. Even when directly speaking with her friends who are on oxygen or a feeding tube or in a wheelchair, she tells them with self-pity that she's now "a handicapped person" and "doing so poorly because of this medication".
Distracting her will sometimes work for a brief time, but then she'll go back to the complaints in a few minutes or an hour. It's hard to enjoy any family activities because she hijacks the conversation with self-pitying and complaints.
After years of hearing her complain, I feel irritated with it. It seems excessively self-pitying, and I'm annoyed to hear it for the 1000th time. I feel that she's taking a "glass half empty" attitude and being a Debbie Downer every day. She's pouring cold water on our happy times and turning them into complaint fests. When she's not complaining, she's actually really fun to be around. She's funny, insightful, and easygoing. We watch movies together, go to restaurants, and cook together. I've said this to her many times, and she replied that she can't enjoy anything because of the medication side effects.
The only time when she's guaranteed to not complain is when she's absorbed in an all-consuming activity. When she's cooking a 3-course meal and her attention is taken up by all the tasks she's juggling, or when we're watching a thrilling movie, or she's trying to get through a museum before closing time, she doesn't complain. She enjoys feeling challenged and useful. But as soon as it ends, she often starts complaining again. It's not possible to spend every minute doing high-intensity all-consuming activities.
I've tried setting boundaries by walking away or ending the together-time as soon as she complains. She still complained the next time I saw her, and I felt just as irritated.
Her hope is that if she complains enough, I'll stop insisting that she take her medication. She believes that if she stops the medication, she'll instantly rebound in strength, agility, hair, and sleep. She seems to think that stopping the medication will be the panacea to having the body of a woman in her 50s instead of 70s. I'm sure she's feeling fear of mortality and fear of old age, and she's scapegoating it on the medication. But I'm still irritated.
What can I do to make myself less annoyed? I'm her primary caretaker and I want to continue spending time with her. I want to do pleasant things together and have happy memories. Currently I feel on edge because at any moment, she might start the broken record of complaints about the medication.
If you've had experience being a caretaker in a similar situation, what worked for you?
My mom lives with me. She has a mental illness that was untreated for many years. Those were terrible years, with disappearances, police phone calls, delusional episodes, car accidents, paranoia, and inpatient treatments at mental hospitals. She was suffering because she felt extreme fear every day. As her family, we also lived under a cloud of fear because we never knew when the next emergency would be.
Now she receives periodic injections which control all those symptoms. Great! However, she doesn't think she has a mental illness. She has downplayed all the prior incidents, or believed they were just misunderstandings. In medical terms, she has anosognosia (lack of self-awareness about the illness). Every day, she asks if she can stop the medication, and she complains about its alleged side effects.
She is in her mid-70s now, and she attributes every sign of aging to her mental-health medication. Trouble sleeping, grey hair, needing reading glasses, slower movement, reduced strength have all been blamed on the medication.
Any time we're doing a family activity together or eating together, she'll give a dramatic sigh and say something like, "I'm so unhappy because my stupid useless medication has caused me to feel weaker" or "I'm not sure if I'll be able to walk down the street to the restaurant because my medication has taken away my strength." In actuality, she walks 4 miles every day and does strength training several times per week.
Several doctors examined her and ran tests. They said that there's no physical reasons for her reduced strength, trouble sleeping, etc and that those are all signs of being in her 70s. They said that while it's conceivable that her medication caused these side effects, it would be very rare. The typical side effects are weight gain and nausea, which she doesn't have.
Using logic to attempt to convince her does not work at all. If I remind her that being off medication caused her to be hospitalized in the past, she'll claim that the hospitalizations were an overreaction, those previous doctors were incompetent, and that there was never anything wrong with her. She gets agitated, and she argues against every point.
Her complaints are disproportionate to reality. Even though she walks 4 miles every day for exercise, she claims that the medicine has made her "essentially an invalid who can't walk any more". Doctors have said that she's very healthy for her age. Her peers are in their 70s and 80s and are struggling with surgeries, cancer, strokes, and heart conditions. By comparison, she has none of those and has been very healthy. But she talks about herself as though she's the most decrepit person she knows. Even when directly speaking with her friends who are on oxygen or a feeding tube or in a wheelchair, she tells them with self-pity that she's now "a handicapped person" and "doing so poorly because of this medication".
Distracting her will sometimes work for a brief time, but then she'll go back to the complaints in a few minutes or an hour. It's hard to enjoy any family activities because she hijacks the conversation with self-pitying and complaints.
After years of hearing her complain, I feel irritated with it. It seems excessively self-pitying, and I'm annoyed to hear it for the 1000th time. I feel that she's taking a "glass half empty" attitude and being a Debbie Downer every day. She's pouring cold water on our happy times and turning them into complaint fests. When she's not complaining, she's actually really fun to be around. She's funny, insightful, and easygoing. We watch movies together, go to restaurants, and cook together. I've said this to her many times, and she replied that she can't enjoy anything because of the medication side effects.
The only time when she's guaranteed to not complain is when she's absorbed in an all-consuming activity. When she's cooking a 3-course meal and her attention is taken up by all the tasks she's juggling, or when we're watching a thrilling movie, or she's trying to get through a museum before closing time, she doesn't complain. She enjoys feeling challenged and useful. But as soon as it ends, she often starts complaining again. It's not possible to spend every minute doing high-intensity all-consuming activities.
I've tried setting boundaries by walking away or ending the together-time as soon as she complains. She still complained the next time I saw her, and I felt just as irritated.
Her hope is that if she complains enough, I'll stop insisting that she take her medication. She believes that if she stops the medication, she'll instantly rebound in strength, agility, hair, and sleep. She seems to think that stopping the medication will be the panacea to having the body of a woman in her 50s instead of 70s. I'm sure she's feeling fear of mortality and fear of old age, and she's scapegoating it on the medication. But I'm still irritated.
What can I do to make myself less annoyed? I'm her primary caretaker and I want to continue spending time with her. I want to do pleasant things together and have happy memories. Currently I feel on edge because at any moment, she might start the broken record of complaints about the medication.
If you've had experience being a caretaker in a similar situation, what worked for you?
Honestly, I think it's very likely that she's really suffering from side effects of these medications, and I don't blame her at all for the amount of complaining she's doing. It's horrifying when medications cause side effects that doctors deny could be happening, and medications you wouldn't even expect can make people quite miserable. I've seen people have terrifying personality changes from proton pump inhibitors. It's quite possible that a lot of her self pitying and complaining is medication related - I've seen it happen.
posted by wheatlets at 3:31 PM on October 23, 2023 [5 favorites]
posted by wheatlets at 3:31 PM on October 23, 2023 [5 favorites]
Would it help to think of the complaining as the residual symptoms of her mental illness that aren't fully being controlled by the medication? That's probably at least part of the issue. She isn't just being unreasonable and whiny because she wants to.
posted by jacquilynne at 3:50 PM on October 23, 2023 [19 favorites]
posted by jacquilynne at 3:50 PM on October 23, 2023 [19 favorites]
Not to diagnose, but I was recently watching a trial involving a guy being diagnosed (repeatedly) with schizophrenia and they pointed out (repeatedly) that the person with it really has no idea anything is wrong with them even though in this case, his behavior went drastically different than what he would have previously done. Last I heard, he was going to be forcibly treated for schizophrenia even though he'd repeatedly said no to treatment, because the situation was so bad that the court mandated it. That involved injections too, as I recall. I don't know if that's the issue here, but it sounded familiar.
Where I'm going with this is that I agree with jacquilynne. And also on the gray rock technique. Like, you COULD have her stop the medication and see for herself that she doesn't rebound to all younger health and strength, but it doesn't sound like she has the self-awareness to figure that out if she did go off since she doesn't have it now. Or possibly ask her doctor for suggestions as to what to say every time she brings this up for the 900th time in a day.
posted by jenfullmoon at 4:51 PM on October 23, 2023 [2 favorites]
Where I'm going with this is that I agree with jacquilynne. And also on the gray rock technique. Like, you COULD have her stop the medication and see for herself that she doesn't rebound to all younger health and strength, but it doesn't sound like she has the self-awareness to figure that out if she did go off since she doesn't have it now. Or possibly ask her doctor for suggestions as to what to say every time she brings this up for the 900th time in a day.
posted by jenfullmoon at 4:51 PM on October 23, 2023 [2 favorites]
I was going to say what jacquilynne said- this seems like a lingering part of her illness. I don't believe you can convince her of anything in this instance and I'm not sure she can control it. I'm sure its incredibly stressful to constantly experience. Maybe try addressing the issue instead of the cause? So when she says "I can't walk that far because of the medication" try "well that's okay, let's just see how far we can go and we can stop if you get tired" or whatever. Behave as if the medication is a non-starter (which it is) and respond to the specifics of the thing she's concerned about instead. Validate and reassure her about her hair, her strength, her intelligence rather than try to reason with her about why she needs to take this medication.
I'm sure she's feeling fear of mortality and fear of old age, and she's scapegoating it on the medication. But I'm still irritated.
I think you're right and I think this is totally understandable. Can you get some extra help so you can have a break?
posted by oneirodynia at 4:52 PM on October 23, 2023 [7 favorites]
I'm sure she's feeling fear of mortality and fear of old age, and she's scapegoating it on the medication. But I'm still irritated.
I think you're right and I think this is totally understandable. Can you get some extra help so you can have a break?
posted by oneirodynia at 4:52 PM on October 23, 2023 [7 favorites]
Best answer: That she's not currently sitting in jail is proof that she and you are succeeding beautifully. She may indulge in hyperbole a lot, but her message to you is nevertheless blisteringly clear, namely that she is never going to start keeping a saintly silence about having to take medication that makes her feel bad.
And I'm with wheatlets on this: you and her doctors might find life easier if you simply accept that if she says it makes her feel bad, it makes her feel bad. A famously huge lot of people with mental illness despise the treatment for mental illness and go off it even at the risk of homelessness, imprisonment, death, etc. They drop out of treatment despite the fact that the illness wrecks their lives because for a whole bunch of people, the treatment is extremely unpleasant. It's not in your mother's capacity or it's not her personality to be a Hallmark movie model patient and take her medicine without complaint. The stuff sucks and she's going to tell you exactly how it sucks, endlessly, forever, the end.
Furthermore, she's healthy and strong and likely to remain able to complain as vigorously and as constantly as she is currently complaining for many years to come. You will almost certainly feel better if you accept that these are her beliefs and this is her personality and stop trying to convince her that holding different beliefs and having a different personality would make her happier. You want her to adapt by stopping being who she is, but she's already doing everything she can do by submitting to the injections she hates. You, who do not have this mental illness, are going to have to be the one to adapt and stop being annoyed by who she is.
Anyway, the thing to remember is that as long as you hold the line on her actually taking the injections that keep her out of jail or the hospital, you're winning. All the other stuff is minor. All you can do is smile and say, "Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Yep. Uh-huh. You don't say. Yep. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh," and think, "Am I hearing loud complaining? Then all is well. That's my mom! Still around and still going strong!"
posted by Don Pepino at 4:54 PM on October 23, 2023 [25 favorites]
And I'm with wheatlets on this: you and her doctors might find life easier if you simply accept that if she says it makes her feel bad, it makes her feel bad. A famously huge lot of people with mental illness despise the treatment for mental illness and go off it even at the risk of homelessness, imprisonment, death, etc. They drop out of treatment despite the fact that the illness wrecks their lives because for a whole bunch of people, the treatment is extremely unpleasant. It's not in your mother's capacity or it's not her personality to be a Hallmark movie model patient and take her medicine without complaint. The stuff sucks and she's going to tell you exactly how it sucks, endlessly, forever, the end.
Furthermore, she's healthy and strong and likely to remain able to complain as vigorously and as constantly as she is currently complaining for many years to come. You will almost certainly feel better if you accept that these are her beliefs and this is her personality and stop trying to convince her that holding different beliefs and having a different personality would make her happier. You want her to adapt by stopping being who she is, but she's already doing everything she can do by submitting to the injections she hates. You, who do not have this mental illness, are going to have to be the one to adapt and stop being annoyed by who she is.
Anyway, the thing to remember is that as long as you hold the line on her actually taking the injections that keep her out of jail or the hospital, you're winning. All the other stuff is minor. All you can do is smile and say, "Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Yep. Uh-huh. You don't say. Yep. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh," and think, "Am I hearing loud complaining? Then all is well. That's my mom! Still around and still going strong!"
posted by Don Pepino at 4:54 PM on October 23, 2023 [25 favorites]
Best answer: You were asking how to feel less annoyed. The situation you are describing sounds massively, deeply, hugely annoying. You lived through all of the pain that came in those pre-medicated years. I imagine it is very hard to deal with your mother's lack of insight even though you know it is (by definition) beyond her control. I have two thoughts- One is that maybe you could just allow yourself to be annoyed? Notice that it is happening, acknowledge it, and know that it will pass. Maybe that annoyance is a sign that you could be offering yourself more compassion and grace for what you have gone through and the challenge of what you are now doing to support your parent.
The other (and this depends on how capable your parent is of having this kind of conversation) is to tell your mother that you believe what she is saying, but it's hard for you to hear/hurts you and you would rather not talk about it with her. And then remind her of that as needed.
Regardless, it sounds like you are a great child who is doing a great job taking care of a parent who is also working very hard under adverse circumstances. Neither one of you doing anything wrong. In fact both you are are doing your very best. I wish you well.
posted by jeszac at 5:45 PM on October 23, 2023 [19 favorites]
The other (and this depends on how capable your parent is of having this kind of conversation) is to tell your mother that you believe what she is saying, but it's hard for you to hear/hurts you and you would rather not talk about it with her. And then remind her of that as needed.
Regardless, it sounds like you are a great child who is doing a great job taking care of a parent who is also working very hard under adverse circumstances. Neither one of you doing anything wrong. In fact both you are are doing your very best. I wish you well.
posted by jeszac at 5:45 PM on October 23, 2023 [19 favorites]
Best answer: Yeah these medications are very powerful and often have off target effects. There's no way doctors can guarantee what it is doing and not doing to the body/ her somatic experience based on lab tests and common side effect lists given by pharma companies as much as they enjoy pretending like they can. Its probably not turning her hair grey but very well could be causing fatigue, brain fog and ratcheting up her anxiety so she obsessively ruminates on her somatic symptoms/aging. Regardless, its obviously the lesser of two evils.
Some component of this could be her sensing you doubting her lived experience, and upping the whining to compensate for what she perceives as you just not hearing her. Its stupid but I have been there: "maybe if I whine more and at a higher volume i'll be taken seriously" newborn baby mentality.
Working on actually validating her and believing her experience, getting to a point where that's how you ACTUALLY FEEL (through maybe therapy stuff, support groups or reading more about patients horrible experiences on heavy duty psych meds) might lead to her whining less cause she's not trying to brute force break through the shield of your disbelief/annoyance.
I agree that this could also be a sign of caretaker burnout, you just may need more resources and better support to help you deal with all of this. Easier said than done but anything you can do to spread the caretaking burden could help this issue.
posted by Res0ndf7 at 6:51 PM on October 23, 2023 [10 favorites]
Some component of this could be her sensing you doubting her lived experience, and upping the whining to compensate for what she perceives as you just not hearing her. Its stupid but I have been there: "maybe if I whine more and at a higher volume i'll be taken seriously" newborn baby mentality.
Working on actually validating her and believing her experience, getting to a point where that's how you ACTUALLY FEEL (through maybe therapy stuff, support groups or reading more about patients horrible experiences on heavy duty psych meds) might lead to her whining less cause she's not trying to brute force break through the shield of your disbelief/annoyance.
I agree that this could also be a sign of caretaker burnout, you just may need more resources and better support to help you deal with all of this. Easier said than done but anything you can do to spread the caretaking burden could help this issue.
posted by Res0ndf7 at 6:51 PM on October 23, 2023 [10 favorites]
Oh my god this sounds so hard! Do you already know about NAMI? Like everyone here, I want you to have support!
No matter how skilled you are, it will be difficult for you to de-escalate her perseveration on this because of your charged and intimate relationship. Honestly I would focus on respite and support for you.
You are doing amazing work caring for your mom. <3
posted by latkes at 6:59 PM on October 23, 2023 [2 favorites]
No matter how skilled you are, it will be difficult for you to de-escalate her perseveration on this because of your charged and intimate relationship. Honestly I would focus on respite and support for you.
You are doing amazing work caring for your mom. <3
posted by latkes at 6:59 PM on October 23, 2023 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Do you need a break or a vacation? Would it help to have a caregiver break? I think you're irritated because this is irritating, and also because you are tired and need a break.
And I think a reframing would help. Don't argue with her. Don't try to convince her. If the outcome that you want is for her to stop complaining, then you must stop continuing the conversation by disagreeing with her.
Your mom is in her mid 70s with a terrible but mostly well-managed illness. She's active and strong, and often fun and funny. She's not going to be here for long. So try some of these lines:
"Aren't these shots the worst? Good thing it's almost done."
"I know it's hard, Mom. I love you and I'm sorry it hurts."
"It's tough. I'm sorry."
"It's no fun, I know."
You can't control your mom's attitude or behavior, but you can control how you react, which might also shift how you feel about it all, and might influence her. I know it's so hard, but what if you try to sort of shake off that irritation and have some compassion?
posted by bluedaisy at 7:12 PM on October 23, 2023 [3 favorites]
And I think a reframing would help. Don't argue with her. Don't try to convince her. If the outcome that you want is for her to stop complaining, then you must stop continuing the conversation by disagreeing with her.
Your mom is in her mid 70s with a terrible but mostly well-managed illness. She's active and strong, and often fun and funny. She's not going to be here for long. So try some of these lines:
"Aren't these shots the worst? Good thing it's almost done."
"I know it's hard, Mom. I love you and I'm sorry it hurts."
"It's tough. I'm sorry."
"It's no fun, I know."
You can't control your mom's attitude or behavior, but you can control how you react, which might also shift how you feel about it all, and might influence her. I know it's so hard, but what if you try to sort of shake off that irritation and have some compassion?
posted by bluedaisy at 7:12 PM on October 23, 2023 [3 favorites]
Five days a week now I go for five hours to sit with/entertain/listen to/etc an older lady who has Alzheimer's. Her daughter or son in law are almost always there, but my presence gives them a break from the repeating loop of the day, gives them a chance to recharge a bit and makes them better with her when I am not there (by their reporting).
If it's an option for you, I'd suggest hiring someone to come in as often as you can afford it. Let them absorb her litany for a few hours, while you do something that you want or need to do.
posted by Vigilant at 7:41 PM on October 23, 2023 [6 favorites]
If it's an option for you, I'd suggest hiring someone to come in as often as you can afford it. Let them absorb her litany for a few hours, while you do something that you want or need to do.
posted by Vigilant at 7:41 PM on October 23, 2023 [6 favorites]
Best answer: This sounds very hard.
To reinforce some of the previous comments, keep in mind that boundaries are not used to change other people's behaviour, they're used to protect yourself.
Don't test the effectiveness of your boundaries by whether or not they change your mother's behaviors, it's not possible to do that.
Test your boundaries effectiveness by whether they make it easier for you to manage your emotions, get out of upsetting situations, etc.
They're a promise you make yourself, giving you permission to look after your own needs. Others may, or may not respect them.
Are you alone in this? Do you have siblings or other family members who could support you in these situations by, for example, following your lead in changing the subject or distracting your mom whenever she starts complaining?
posted by Zumbador at 8:37 PM on October 23, 2023 [9 favorites]
To reinforce some of the previous comments, keep in mind that boundaries are not used to change other people's behaviour, they're used to protect yourself.
Don't test the effectiveness of your boundaries by whether or not they change your mother's behaviors, it's not possible to do that.
Test your boundaries effectiveness by whether they make it easier for you to manage your emotions, get out of upsetting situations, etc.
They're a promise you make yourself, giving you permission to look after your own needs. Others may, or may not respect them.
Are you alone in this? Do you have siblings or other family members who could support you in these situations by, for example, following your lead in changing the subject or distracting your mom whenever she starts complaining?
posted by Zumbador at 8:37 PM on October 23, 2023 [9 favorites]
Oof, that sounds so frustrating. I would try to gamify it. Can you place a bet on how many times she'll say it per unit of time and reward yourself if your answer is correct within a certain percentage? Like, "if she says it 15 times during dinner, I'm eating a pint of ice cream when I get home." And you get the ice cream if she says it 12-17 times. I would anchor the bet by telling the prediction to a friend and then text them updates during dinner so you get some dopamine from the texting, too.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 8:46 PM on October 23, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by nouvelle-personne at 8:46 PM on October 23, 2023 [1 favorite]
It's so lovely that after years of your mom's untreated mental illness and the havoc it wreaked, after such a long spell of uncertainty and terror, this medication allows her, you, and the rest of your family the safety and space to get to know one another. The funny, insightful, museum-loving chef you live with sounds awesome! And, years of these daily kvetches would put me on edge too. Some ideas:
a) "Her hope is that if she complains enough, I'll stop insisting that she take her medication." You're not her doctor, and you can't remove the medication that's currently in her system. "Mom, that's for discussion at the next appointment" and re-direct. "Yes, I made a note, for talking with the doctor at the next appointment" and re-direct. Acknowledge, and re-direct. It's still okay to walk away when it's overwhelming. Re-center yourself, or get some fresh air. Drink something, or wash your face and run cold water over your wrists. Before you rejoin her, put on some music she loves, or have a question at the ready (maybe cooking-related, since it's a joy and strength for your mom) because you need her advice and insight.
Note: if the injection is administered at home (between regular office visits), and by you -- please change that if you can, as soon as you can? A buffer is useful: if she thinks you're the ultimate authority, choosing to dispense the med she hates, yes, she'll petition you daily and of course it irritates you. Her doctor has created a sound medical management plan, and prescribed this drug and this course; you're her caregiver, you're obligated to protect her health and act in her best interests. A different administrator for the injection itself helps.
b) Have you brought up adjusting the dose, or adding a complementary med, with her doctors? The periodic injection is saving her life... but maybe it's not controlling *all* symptoms, since your mom is regularly anxious, hyper-focused, and possibly a bit paranoid/deluded about these side effects.
c) Weight-training and tai chi (or water aerobics) classes for seniors, to offset perceived weakness and agility issues. "Mom, it's a necessary medication, and you're saying you're struggling with side effects; we hear you, and your doctor recommends these activities. This is something you can do to feel better, while staying on your life-saving medication."
d) Run tests like iron panel, b12 and folate, vitamin D. If *anything* is low/borderline low, eureka, the cause of her reduced strength/stamina has been identified, and can be addressed with (safe) supplementation.
e) A hair treatment of some kind (surface-level, like deep-conditioning for dryness; silver-enhancing shampoo and conditioner for greying, or a color job or highlights; protein pack or thickening spray for thinning; or home Minoxidil for hair loss if doc-approved) for her specific hair complaint.
f) "She enjoys feeling challenged and useful." Volunteering can be an all-consuming activity that takes place on a regular schedule. You could start slow, at home, with Postcards to Voters. Best wishes, roastbeef.
posted by Iris Gambol at 9:52 PM on October 23, 2023 [7 favorites]
a) "Her hope is that if she complains enough, I'll stop insisting that she take her medication." You're not her doctor, and you can't remove the medication that's currently in her system. "Mom, that's for discussion at the next appointment" and re-direct. "Yes, I made a note, for talking with the doctor at the next appointment" and re-direct. Acknowledge, and re-direct. It's still okay to walk away when it's overwhelming. Re-center yourself, or get some fresh air. Drink something, or wash your face and run cold water over your wrists. Before you rejoin her, put on some music she loves, or have a question at the ready (maybe cooking-related, since it's a joy and strength for your mom) because you need her advice and insight.
Note: if the injection is administered at home (between regular office visits), and by you -- please change that if you can, as soon as you can? A buffer is useful: if she thinks you're the ultimate authority, choosing to dispense the med she hates, yes, she'll petition you daily and of course it irritates you. Her doctor has created a sound medical management plan, and prescribed this drug and this course; you're her caregiver, you're obligated to protect her health and act in her best interests. A different administrator for the injection itself helps.
b) Have you brought up adjusting the dose, or adding a complementary med, with her doctors? The periodic injection is saving her life... but maybe it's not controlling *all* symptoms, since your mom is regularly anxious, hyper-focused, and possibly a bit paranoid/deluded about these side effects.
c) Weight-training and tai chi (or water aerobics) classes for seniors, to offset perceived weakness and agility issues. "Mom, it's a necessary medication, and you're saying you're struggling with side effects; we hear you, and your doctor recommends these activities. This is something you can do to feel better, while staying on your life-saving medication."
d) Run tests like iron panel, b12 and folate, vitamin D. If *anything* is low/borderline low, eureka, the cause of her reduced strength/stamina has been identified, and can be addressed with (safe) supplementation.
e) A hair treatment of some kind (surface-level, like deep-conditioning for dryness; silver-enhancing shampoo and conditioner for greying, or a color job or highlights; protein pack or thickening spray for thinning; or home Minoxidil for hair loss if doc-approved) for her specific hair complaint.
f) "She enjoys feeling challenged and useful." Volunteering can be an all-consuming activity that takes place on a regular schedule. You could start slow, at home, with Postcards to Voters. Best wishes, roastbeef.
posted by Iris Gambol at 9:52 PM on October 23, 2023 [7 favorites]
While it sounds as though many of the symptoms your mother is regarding as side effects are the normal effect of ageing,
it is entirely possible that she is experiencing some genuine adverse side effects - many psychiatric medications cause issues with cognitive function; memory; vocabulary and creativity. (Not to mention sexual response.)
It might be worth exploring with her psychiatrist whether there are other suitable/appropriate medication options with fewer side effects.
If there are not, then validating your mother's frustration over whichever side effects are genuine side effects might go a long way.
"Yes, I hear that it affects your short term memory, and that sucks, but it's better than you ending up in hospital again."
posted by chariot pulled by cassowaries at 9:58 PM on October 23, 2023 [1 favorite]
it is entirely possible that she is experiencing some genuine adverse side effects - many psychiatric medications cause issues with cognitive function; memory; vocabulary and creativity. (Not to mention sexual response.)
It might be worth exploring with her psychiatrist whether there are other suitable/appropriate medication options with fewer side effects.
If there are not, then validating your mother's frustration over whichever side effects are genuine side effects might go a long way.
"Yes, I hear that it affects your short term memory, and that sucks, but it's better than you ending up in hospital again."
posted by chariot pulled by cassowaries at 9:58 PM on October 23, 2023 [1 favorite]
Best answer: It isn't easy being a carer for a parent, and presumably her history of delusions and hospitalisations affected her ability to parent you. I would be very surprised if that isn't also an underlying factor in your current frustration; if therapy is an option for you, it would be worth exploring there.
If the injections are antipsychotics, the side effect burden is not usually limited to weight gain and nausea. Generally speaking people who are compelled to take them do complain. Your mother may be misattributing normal physical changes, like greying hair, to her injections, but it is common, not rare, to suffer fatigue and movement difficulties.
Doctors have said that she's very healthy for her age. Her peers are in their 70s and 80s and are struggling with surgeries, cancer, strokes, and heart conditions. By comparison, she has none of those and has been very healthy.
But anyone with the history you describe, on the medication regime you describe, is not "very healthy". Your irritation is perhaps entwined with not fully acknowledging her behaviour arises from being ill rather than an attitude problem. If she was having surgery, suffered strokes or a heart condition, I'm curious whether you'd find her complaints easier to tolerate - if so, that difference could be illuminating. Is some reframing in order?
posted by Ballad of Peckham Rye at 12:05 AM on October 24, 2023 [3 favorites]
If the injections are antipsychotics, the side effect burden is not usually limited to weight gain and nausea. Generally speaking people who are compelled to take them do complain. Your mother may be misattributing normal physical changes, like greying hair, to her injections, but it is common, not rare, to suffer fatigue and movement difficulties.
Doctors have said that she's very healthy for her age. Her peers are in their 70s and 80s and are struggling with surgeries, cancer, strokes, and heart conditions. By comparison, she has none of those and has been very healthy.
But anyone with the history you describe, on the medication regime you describe, is not "very healthy". Your irritation is perhaps entwined with not fully acknowledging her behaviour arises from being ill rather than an attitude problem. If she was having surgery, suffered strokes or a heart condition, I'm curious whether you'd find her complaints easier to tolerate - if so, that difference could be illuminating. Is some reframing in order?
posted by Ballad of Peckham Rye at 12:05 AM on October 24, 2023 [3 favorites]
Mod note: One removed. Please make sure you are answering the OP's actual question, preferably in an empathetic and helpful way.
posted by taz (staff) at 12:09 AM on October 24, 2023
posted by taz (staff) at 12:09 AM on October 24, 2023
Response by poster: Your answers made me realize a few things.
I believed that my mom's lack of insight into her illness was causing her to be more negative. Your answers helped me realize that people with cancer or strokes complain just as much about their life-saving medications. They're not saying, "Thank heavens for chemotherapy which has given me longer to live! If this were 100 years ago, I'd already be dead from cancer!" Instead they are constantly complaining about the chemo's side effects. The complaining is not too different even if they have insight into the illness.
I feel grateful to the medicine for "keeping her out of jail or the hospital" to use one commenter's words. I didn't want to believe that it's really causing all these side effects. I wanted to believe that our decade-plus nightmare is over, we made it to the other side, and that my mom can be effectively healthy again. My own wishful thinking was causing me to think that even though these medications cause serious side effects in other patients, the side effects were minimal for my mom. I see now that was a blind spot on my part.
To address a few comments: Switching medications isn't an option. I intentionally left out the history of all the medications we tried in the past, her diagnosis, etc. Also I'm already in therapy.
I appreciated the comments validating that this is an irritating situation and I'm doing a good job. Too bad there's not a service I can hire to say that to me periodically. :-P I tried support groups in the past (including NAMI), and I might try again. Sometimes I faced resentment in the support group because my mom is doing much better now than their family members. Most of them had loved ones who were currently homeless. Some were reeling from a loved one who committed suicide from mental illness. Some had been physically grappling with their loved ones 20 minutes prior to the support group. My mom was suffering just as badly for many years, but not any more. I got questions of "Why are you even here in our support group, if your mom is doing so well?"
I'm going to look into hiring a companion to take my mom on outings to museums, parks, farmer's markets. She doesn't need a "caregiver" in the sense of nursing or in-home help. But having a companion take her on fun outings would stave off her boredom and provide me with a break.
posted by roastbeef at 6:50 AM on October 24, 2023 [22 favorites]
I believed that my mom's lack of insight into her illness was causing her to be more negative. Your answers helped me realize that people with cancer or strokes complain just as much about their life-saving medications. They're not saying, "Thank heavens for chemotherapy which has given me longer to live! If this were 100 years ago, I'd already be dead from cancer!" Instead they are constantly complaining about the chemo's side effects. The complaining is not too different even if they have insight into the illness.
I feel grateful to the medicine for "keeping her out of jail or the hospital" to use one commenter's words. I didn't want to believe that it's really causing all these side effects. I wanted to believe that our decade-plus nightmare is over, we made it to the other side, and that my mom can be effectively healthy again. My own wishful thinking was causing me to think that even though these medications cause serious side effects in other patients, the side effects were minimal for my mom. I see now that was a blind spot on my part.
To address a few comments: Switching medications isn't an option. I intentionally left out the history of all the medications we tried in the past, her diagnosis, etc. Also I'm already in therapy.
I appreciated the comments validating that this is an irritating situation and I'm doing a good job. Too bad there's not a service I can hire to say that to me periodically. :-P I tried support groups in the past (including NAMI), and I might try again. Sometimes I faced resentment in the support group because my mom is doing much better now than their family members. Most of them had loved ones who were currently homeless. Some were reeling from a loved one who committed suicide from mental illness. Some had been physically grappling with their loved ones 20 minutes prior to the support group. My mom was suffering just as badly for many years, but not any more. I got questions of "Why are you even here in our support group, if your mom is doing so well?"
I'm going to look into hiring a companion to take my mom on outings to museums, parks, farmer's markets. She doesn't need a "caregiver" in the sense of nursing or in-home help. But having a companion take her on fun outings would stave off her boredom and provide me with a break.
posted by roastbeef at 6:50 AM on October 24, 2023 [22 favorites]
I was thinking, too, what about getting her a massage appointment or even a whole spa day? The whole thing with the comfy plushy bathrobes and the bubble baths and facials and ripping out eyebrow hairs and whateverall? Pedicures and so on? And she could maybe get a haircut and dye the gray...? IDK; this is really not my wheelhouse, but people seem to love this stuff. Maybe you could try it and if she liked it, maybe do one or a couple a year, money permitting and assuming spa facilities available in your area? If it turned out she enjoyed it, it might be something to look forward to so she'd have an occasional object lesson to interrupt and disprove the "my child claims to want to help me, but really they just want me to suffer and feel bad" line of thinking. I'm just thinking maybe a nonmedical treatment designed specifically to feel good and be pleasant and relaxing and rejuvenating could partly counteract the necessary medical treatment that's keeping her alive but that doesn't feel great.
posted by Don Pepino at 7:27 AM on October 24, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by Don Pepino at 7:27 AM on October 24, 2023 [1 favorite]
This stuff is really hard and your irritation is very understandable, but there are some good suggestions here. One other possible option: does your mom have any kind of support group? It's possible that she could also do with a bit of a safe space to vent about how much side effects suck, how difficult it is relying on your child in the ways that she must rely on you, the various indignities of medical treatment, etc., etc. And perhaps if she had a reliable steam-venting mechanism like that, a bit less of it would end up coming out at you.
posted by Stacey at 7:41 AM on October 24, 2023 [3 favorites]
posted by Stacey at 7:41 AM on October 24, 2023 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Respite care!
Your response above is so graceful and generous to everyone here, it can be hard to hear critiques. It sounds to me like your mom is so lucky to have you. I really think respite care is such a big piece of long-term family care for loved ones. I've seen, in my family and long time friends, that it is a lifeline for folks doing the kind of grueling marathon care that you are doing.
I'm so glad your mom has you, and that after so many years, you have her!
posted by Lawn Beaver at 8:07 AM on October 24, 2023 [6 favorites]
Your response above is so graceful and generous to everyone here, it can be hard to hear critiques. It sounds to me like your mom is so lucky to have you. I really think respite care is such a big piece of long-term family care for loved ones. I've seen, in my family and long time friends, that it is a lifeline for folks doing the kind of grueling marathon care that you are doing.
I'm so glad your mom has you, and that after so many years, you have her!
posted by Lawn Beaver at 8:07 AM on October 24, 2023 [6 favorites]
Is she at all receptive if you discuss how complaining makes it hard to enjoy time with her? I know you're in a much more complicated situation with a much more challenging personality, but with friends who are chronic complainers, I have some success if I tell them explicitly that they are bringing me down, if I tell them we need to change the subject after five minutes of complaining, if I tell them I want to see them less because the complaining tires me out, if I tell them I'm excited to have a good time with them, and if I find a kind way to joke about their tendency to complain. (This is all focusing on the complaining itself, not attempting to address their complaints.)
posted by metasarah at 9:32 AM on October 24, 2023
posted by metasarah at 9:32 AM on October 24, 2023
Best answer: It may also help to reframe these "complaints" as "voiced anxieties" instead. You're attributing a lot of manipulation to her behavior and you're not wrong exactly, but it's manipulation as performed by a child: dessert for dinner just sounds really nice and they're not 100% solid on how the real world works, so they're just going to try to get it in a way that seems feasible. What she fears mostly isn't true, but she still fears it might be true, and there's a real possibility that she believes a lot of it even in the face of evidence to the contrary. These statements might not just be annoying bids for control, especially as you describe her as being sometimes distractible from what might be intrusive thoughts or persistent rumination.
While these medications ARE revolutionary, and they do make people functional when they work, these aren't just "mental health" diseases, they are brain diseases and there's a lot going on there we don't know how to address yet.
Also, to put the POV in your mom's shoes, she's not not being gaslit here. There is something being done to her that - to her - isn't necessary and is causing her difficulties but everybody keeps saying she has to do it. That IS kinda creepy, and it's almost a good sign that she's got some push-back in her even if it's making life harder for her and you. Internal consistence to her narrative is actually a good sign, neurologically.
You might find more supporty support from groups for people with a parent suffering early-stage cognitive dysfunction, dementia and similar. It is very likely that, between the street lifestyle of someone with "disappearance"-strength mental illness and car accidents and such PLUS the effects of previous treatment and current treatment, she would come in at the "somewhat impaired" level of a neurological workup, probably lower than most people her age without identified dementia or similar.
You may find yourself more peaceful if you can just figure out the response that lowers her agitation, as you would with someone with cognitive impairment, rather than worrying too much about being either right or your answer being remembered. If it settles her down for you to just agree with her that these harms are happening, or to just reply with a pat "Don't worry mom, I'll always be here to help", do that. If pushing back with "Mom! You're stronger than me!" makes her argue longer, don't do that. She has a pretty wide self-unawareness wedge, it's entirely possible that her saying these things and whatever you say/do in response is not really being stored in long-term memory, meaning stuff like "like I said a hundred times before" or "I want you to stop saying these things" or "I don't enjoy your company when you're like this" doesn't mean much except increased free-floating anxiety.
posted by Lyn Never at 10:00 AM on October 24, 2023 [2 favorites]
While these medications ARE revolutionary, and they do make people functional when they work, these aren't just "mental health" diseases, they are brain diseases and there's a lot going on there we don't know how to address yet.
Also, to put the POV in your mom's shoes, she's not not being gaslit here. There is something being done to her that - to her - isn't necessary and is causing her difficulties but everybody keeps saying she has to do it. That IS kinda creepy, and it's almost a good sign that she's got some push-back in her even if it's making life harder for her and you. Internal consistence to her narrative is actually a good sign, neurologically.
You might find more supporty support from groups for people with a parent suffering early-stage cognitive dysfunction, dementia and similar. It is very likely that, between the street lifestyle of someone with "disappearance"-strength mental illness and car accidents and such PLUS the effects of previous treatment and current treatment, she would come in at the "somewhat impaired" level of a neurological workup, probably lower than most people her age without identified dementia or similar.
You may find yourself more peaceful if you can just figure out the response that lowers her agitation, as you would with someone with cognitive impairment, rather than worrying too much about being either right or your answer being remembered. If it settles her down for you to just agree with her that these harms are happening, or to just reply with a pat "Don't worry mom, I'll always be here to help", do that. If pushing back with "Mom! You're stronger than me!" makes her argue longer, don't do that. She has a pretty wide self-unawareness wedge, it's entirely possible that her saying these things and whatever you say/do in response is not really being stored in long-term memory, meaning stuff like "like I said a hundred times before" or "I want you to stop saying these things" or "I don't enjoy your company when you're like this" doesn't mean much except increased free-floating anxiety.
posted by Lyn Never at 10:00 AM on October 24, 2023 [2 favorites]
I also want to offer, that in the NAMI groups you describe, you DO have a contribution to make, and it's to say that sometimes things get better for folks. Your mom's team was able to help her to the point that you no longer worry about her safety or yours! That is huge, and might happen for some of the other group members, and while it must be very tough to hear about other peoples' successes in that context, it's not really fair for them to lash out at you about it. What if things got better for their loved one as well? The perseverance through all the different medications your mom tried is an example of what's possible - although not guaranteed.
Anyway. I wish you and your mom all the best as you guys continue to navigate all this.
posted by Lawn Beaver at 11:14 AM on October 24, 2023 [1 favorite]
Anyway. I wish you and your mom all the best as you guys continue to navigate all this.
posted by Lawn Beaver at 11:14 AM on October 24, 2023 [1 favorite]
Thank you for taking care of her; you have a big heart. My Mom was difficult, alcoholic, probably bipolar. Late in life, dealing with a very manageable cancer (still, cancer. but treatable and side effects manageable) as well as COPD. She was on an anti-depressant, raising hell. Took her to her doctor because, OMG, the drama. He listened, reviewed and then looked her in the eye and said Suck it up, %name. I nearly hugged him, and he was not a hugger. The bluntness was effective.
My sister was brilliant at dealing with Mom, could be blunt, or would lay a big hug on her and say I know. It's so hard.
You are doing an impossible task extraordinarily well.
posted by theora55 at 7:27 PM on October 24, 2023 [2 favorites]
My sister was brilliant at dealing with Mom, could be blunt, or would lay a big hug on her and say I know. It's so hard.
You are doing an impossible task extraordinarily well.
posted by theora55 at 7:27 PM on October 24, 2023 [2 favorites]
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In the meantime, may I very gently and compassionately suggest that this is a case where you could benefit a little from focusing on the positives yourself? It sounds like a tremendously irritating situation, but the fact that she's willing to take the medication at all after years of going untreated is a blessing. There are so very many families who would give anything to have their loved ones "merely" taking the medication and complaining relentlessly about it. She's safe. You know where she is. She's not hurting anyone. You can actually hold a conversation with her that's more or less grounded in reality. That's something to hold onto.
She's confused and afraid of her own mortality and not fully mentally competent and you'll be so glad looking back to remember that you were able to be patient and gentle (or, at least, neutral!) with her in her last years.
posted by praemunire at 3:20 PM on October 23, 2023 [20 favorites]