How do I navigate this murky early dating phrase?
August 29, 2023 4:25 PM Subscribe
Someone that I’ve been dating for a month and half is suddenly getting very distant. How do I address this, especially while I’m traveling and they have surgery coming up?
I’ve been seeing someone for a month and half. Things were going well, and I met many of her friends,and went on over 15+ dates. We spend a lot of time together, including a weekend away. She complimented me a ton and talks about how much she likes me. She’s funny, beautiful and smart. I’m not 100% sure if I’m ready for an exclusive relationship with her, but I can see it going there. Before I left she said she would miss me a lot.
Then, a week ago she starts getting distant. Taking longer to reply to my texts, not acknowledging my letter that I left in her apartment, and so on. Over the weekend at a wedding, she went completely dark for almost two days. She said her phone was almost dead, but when she went back online she didn’t respond to my selfie for a day. I just felt embarrassed having that selfie hang there, and well, like shit. Since then the texts have gotten less and less warm between us — I felt anxious and embarrassed. It made me question everything and I wondered if I was someone who she didn’t really think about once I was out of sight. I recently mentioned about planning a date in the future and she mentioned she’s not sure if she will feel well enough after the surgery which also doesn’t make me feel secure.
She also recently got out of a 10m relationship. We talked about it and she says it’s fine, but I’m beginning to create a story in my head that she’s not ready for a relationship and is cooling on me.
We’ve not explictedly defined the relationship or anything. I’m currently traveling and getting more and more anxious with the less that I hear from her. I’m not back for another week, and she’s getting a surgery the day I get back so I won’t be able to talk to her about this after that, and I’m wondering what to do. Is it too much to ask her over FaceTime what’s going on? Or is that pushing too much? Or do I just wait it out and then address it once she recovers, but that sounds like a long time to be in ambiguity?
I’m also grieving but I’m wondering if I’m getting into my anxiety spiral unnecessarily. It doesn’t help that in my last relationship, this exact thing happened when I was traveling — my partner got super distant suddenly over texts and then broke up with me a few days after so it really feels scary to me to experience this.
What should I do? I’m also open to cutting my losses if this person sounds like they’re just not into me. If that’s the case, it’s so strange to experience this 180 after I leave.
I’ve been seeing someone for a month and half. Things were going well, and I met many of her friends,and went on over 15+ dates. We spend a lot of time together, including a weekend away. She complimented me a ton and talks about how much she likes me. She’s funny, beautiful and smart. I’m not 100% sure if I’m ready for an exclusive relationship with her, but I can see it going there. Before I left she said she would miss me a lot.
Then, a week ago she starts getting distant. Taking longer to reply to my texts, not acknowledging my letter that I left in her apartment, and so on. Over the weekend at a wedding, she went completely dark for almost two days. She said her phone was almost dead, but when she went back online she didn’t respond to my selfie for a day. I just felt embarrassed having that selfie hang there, and well, like shit. Since then the texts have gotten less and less warm between us — I felt anxious and embarrassed. It made me question everything and I wondered if I was someone who she didn’t really think about once I was out of sight. I recently mentioned about planning a date in the future and she mentioned she’s not sure if she will feel well enough after the surgery which also doesn’t make me feel secure.
She also recently got out of a 10m relationship. We talked about it and she says it’s fine, but I’m beginning to create a story in my head that she’s not ready for a relationship and is cooling on me.
We’ve not explictedly defined the relationship or anything. I’m currently traveling and getting more and more anxious with the less that I hear from her. I’m not back for another week, and she’s getting a surgery the day I get back so I won’t be able to talk to her about this after that, and I’m wondering what to do. Is it too much to ask her over FaceTime what’s going on? Or is that pushing too much? Or do I just wait it out and then address it once she recovers, but that sounds like a long time to be in ambiguity?
I’m also grieving but I’m wondering if I’m getting into my anxiety spiral unnecessarily. It doesn’t help that in my last relationship, this exact thing happened when I was traveling — my partner got super distant suddenly over texts and then broke up with me a few days after so it really feels scary to me to experience this.
What should I do? I’m also open to cutting my losses if this person sounds like they’re just not into me. If that’s the case, it’s so strange to experience this 180 after I leave.
It sounds to me like she’s got a lot on - travelling to a wedding and being about to undergo surgery. It would be totally normal to have less bandwidth for other people in those circumstances and not a reflection on you.
I think your best bet is to be patient and understand the people’s capacity for communicating isn’t 100% consistent because: Life.
Be kind to her as she prepares for surgery by not making a big deal out of it and see how things are when she’s feeling better after that. In the meantime, distract yourself as best you can and dive into whatever coping/self-soothing mechanisms work best for you, rather than needing her to soothe you with her attention at a time when she needs to be taking care of herself.
posted by penguin pie at 4:41 PM on August 29, 2023 [4 favorites]
I think your best bet is to be patient and understand the people’s capacity for communicating isn’t 100% consistent because: Life.
Be kind to her as she prepares for surgery by not making a big deal out of it and see how things are when she’s feeling better after that. In the meantime, distract yourself as best you can and dive into whatever coping/self-soothing mechanisms work best for you, rather than needing her to soothe you with her attention at a time when she needs to be taking care of herself.
posted by penguin pie at 4:41 PM on August 29, 2023 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks everyone. I think I was overreacting, being anxious and bringing baggage from a past relationship. I am also NOT the person who feels anxious about being in touch all the time, so I’m not sure what got into me. I also feel badly that I landed as insensitive about planning the date - I was fully planning on taking care of her, but I guess it landed badly about the date.
In the letter - it was brief and I explained that I love spending time with her.
posted by pando11 at 4:44 PM on August 29, 2023 [1 favorite]
In the letter - it was brief and I explained that I love spending time with her.
posted by pando11 at 4:44 PM on August 29, 2023 [1 favorite]
This is not a situation that has existed long enough for this person to owe you as much as you feel entitled to. If you have anxiety, manage it. If you don't like her way of interacting with you, move on. It's not her problem your anxiety brands this as "scary"; you're not in danger. This is, at best, a bummer. Not everyone's going to be into you, and not everyone who might be into you will be in the right circumstances to pursue it.
Your choices here do not involve getting an explanation. Wait a while, or move on. Definitely do not over-escalate intimacy here by wanting a State of the Relationship as she heads toward surgery, assuming you have achieved caretaker status in this kind of crisis, or doing something a little boundary-fuddling like
my letter that I left in her apartment
... I'm going to go out on a limb and guess this hasn't improved the situation any. While some people really groove on that kind of gesture, if it fails it generally lands way over on the creepy scale for a lot of people. That one is an overshoot, probably - a postcard from your travels with a low-stakes note would be great, a lightweight text after you've left like "thanks for hanging out with me" is sweet without being cloying.
Stop texting and see if a cooling-off period lets her get a little distance and choose to reconnect. Anything you do at this point is probably going to be too much.
posted by Lyn Never at 4:52 PM on August 29, 2023 [13 favorites]
Your choices here do not involve getting an explanation. Wait a while, or move on. Definitely do not over-escalate intimacy here by wanting a State of the Relationship as she heads toward surgery, assuming you have achieved caretaker status in this kind of crisis, or doing something a little boundary-fuddling like
my letter that I left in her apartment
... I'm going to go out on a limb and guess this hasn't improved the situation any. While some people really groove on that kind of gesture, if it fails it generally lands way over on the creepy scale for a lot of people. That one is an overshoot, probably - a postcard from your travels with a low-stakes note would be great, a lightweight text after you've left like "thanks for hanging out with me" is sweet without being cloying.
Stop texting and see if a cooling-off period lets her get a little distance and choose to reconnect. Anything you do at this point is probably going to be too much.
posted by Lyn Never at 4:52 PM on August 29, 2023 [13 favorites]
I am a queer who dates people who are given to valuing clear and thoughtful communication so YMMV, but what I would do in this situation--if I were certain that the tone, content, and frequency of communication had changed on a sustained basis, i.e. outside of the wedding weekend, and that this was not just a matter of my own anxious projection--is approach it directly but very lightly, one time. "Hey, something feels a little different about our communication recently- everything okay?" If she says everything's fine, she's just busy, you drop it. That's either the truth, in which case you absolutely need to show yourself capable of giving her space, or she's fading you out and doesn't want to say that, in which case there's no point in pushing. You'll know soon enough whether this is just a blip or has taken a turn into no-go land. But I think it's okay to acknowledge what you're noticing and check in about it.
posted by wormtales at 5:47 PM on August 29, 2023 [10 favorites]
posted by wormtales at 5:47 PM on August 29, 2023 [10 favorites]
It’s over. And I’m about 80% sure she’s seeing someone else.
Send her an ‘I hope you feel better soon!' card after you get back, along with some non-romantic flowers, and get on with your life
posted by jamjam at 6:27 PM on August 29, 2023 [12 favorites]
Send her an ‘I hope you feel better soon!' card after you get back, along with some non-romantic flowers, and get on with your life
posted by jamjam at 6:27 PM on August 29, 2023 [12 favorites]
Could her cooling be connected to the letter you left? As sweet and "no-pressure" as you may have meant that gesture, it's possible it felt like a *LOT* to her. If so (big if), her cooling may be her way of trying to get you to cool off a little, too. She might still like you a whole lot, but it's only been a month-plus. That plus she needs to concentrate on her upcoming surgery right now.
I could be off-base, but that would be my guess.
posted by Ink-stained wretch at 6:29 PM on August 29, 2023
I could be off-base, but that would be my guess.
posted by Ink-stained wretch at 6:29 PM on August 29, 2023
you don’t say how major this surgery is or how serious the condition she’s having it for is or if she’s nervous?? even though she invited you to be concerned with a remark about potential post-surgical limitations?
if that’s because you don’t know because she hasn’t told you because she isn’t inclined to share medical details with you, that’s a big sign to adjust your relationship progression expectations backwards by a few months. everything might be fine and you just aren’t that far forward yet.
if you do know and just didn’t say in the question, I hope you have at least made all the basic gestures of offering a ride home from the hospital, offering to come by with groceries and/ or to care for her pets or plants or whatever in the days or weeks afterwards. all depending on if she’ll be able to walk and lift things right away or not.
most people would not be comfortable being taken home post-anaesthesia or being checked on by someone so new to their lives if they had other options (not because of safety, it’s just a very unappealing and vulnerable condition to be seen in) but would judge a potential partner harshly for not even asking. like very very harshly. this is kind of a big deal in that I would never take someone up on an offer of serious help if we weren’t securely together yet but I would be shocked if they didn’t ask. so when you mention proposing a date after her surgery, like….that was after you asked what the recovery timeline was going to be like and what you could do to help. right? right.
posted by queenofbithynia at 8:39 PM on August 29, 2023 [6 favorites]
if that’s because you don’t know because she hasn’t told you because she isn’t inclined to share medical details with you, that’s a big sign to adjust your relationship progression expectations backwards by a few months. everything might be fine and you just aren’t that far forward yet.
if you do know and just didn’t say in the question, I hope you have at least made all the basic gestures of offering a ride home from the hospital, offering to come by with groceries and/ or to care for her pets or plants or whatever in the days or weeks afterwards. all depending on if she’ll be able to walk and lift things right away or not.
most people would not be comfortable being taken home post-anaesthesia or being checked on by someone so new to their lives if they had other options (not because of safety, it’s just a very unappealing and vulnerable condition to be seen in) but would judge a potential partner harshly for not even asking. like very very harshly. this is kind of a big deal in that I would never take someone up on an offer of serious help if we weren’t securely together yet but I would be shocked if they didn’t ask. so when you mention proposing a date after her surgery, like….that was after you asked what the recovery timeline was going to be like and what you could do to help. right? right.
posted by queenofbithynia at 8:39 PM on August 29, 2023 [6 favorites]
Well I'm going with jamjam on this. I noticed they didn't get many upvotes likely because I notice mefi-s like to assume the best in people and that "they're just busy". And surgery is a thing, granted. But when I was really into someone I wasn't taking long to return their texts/calls/whatever. Texts take 30 seconds to send.
Even if they are by nature an "arms length" person, it doesn't sound like you'd be happy with that. And that's ok I wouldn't be either. So even if this is them normally, is this what you want in a relationship? My answer would be no, but you do you.
posted by Saucywench at 8:49 PM on August 29, 2023 [7 favorites]
Even if they are by nature an "arms length" person, it doesn't sound like you'd be happy with that. And that's ok I wouldn't be either. So even if this is them normally, is this what you want in a relationship? My answer would be no, but you do you.
posted by Saucywench at 8:49 PM on August 29, 2023 [7 favorites]
I agree with everything Rock 'em Sock 'em said, and also:
Is it too much to ask her over FaceTime what’s going on?
Why should the onus be on her, particularly before a surgery, to clarify your relationship? I agree with those saying that you should generally give her some space, but I don't see the harm in either calling/sending a text letting her know she's in your thoughts and you're sorry you're away the week before her surgery, particularly since it sounds like you've been acting more non-comital towards her than you actually feel.
posted by coffeecat at 9:36 PM on August 29, 2023
Is it too much to ask her over FaceTime what’s going on?
Why should the onus be on her, particularly before a surgery, to clarify your relationship? I agree with those saying that you should generally give her some space, but I don't see the harm in either calling/sending a text letting her know she's in your thoughts and you're sorry you're away the week before her surgery, particularly since it sounds like you've been acting more non-comital towards her than you actually feel.
posted by coffeecat at 9:36 PM on August 29, 2023
She's being distant and is not wanting to see you after the surgery? For whatever reason, she's now over it. Sorry :( No point in making excuses about surgery or whatever else is going on in her life, I don't think.
I wish I didn't have to say that. I'm not sure what's going on with you being out of town or if that's a factor (what is this, business trip for a week? I'm out of town for a few months?), but fading means they're gently getting out of things. Not sure if the leaving triggered it, or she's freaking out, or what, but I have bad vibe reading this as well :(
I don't really know how to tell you how to handle this one. Either openly ask her if she's over being interested in you (not sure if you'd get an honest answer or lies + more distance), or just leave it at "you contact me, then" and see if she ever does. I don't know about waiting until after her surgery since that means sitting in limbo for weeks. Either directly ask or reasonably assume it's gently ending, I suppose.
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:51 PM on August 29, 2023
I wish I didn't have to say that. I'm not sure what's going on with you being out of town or if that's a factor (what is this, business trip for a week? I'm out of town for a few months?), but fading means they're gently getting out of things. Not sure if the leaving triggered it, or she's freaking out, or what, but I have bad vibe reading this as well :(
I don't really know how to tell you how to handle this one. Either openly ask her if she's over being interested in you (not sure if you'd get an honest answer or lies + more distance), or just leave it at "you contact me, then" and see if she ever does. I don't know about waiting until after her surgery since that means sitting in limbo for weeks. Either directly ask or reasonably assume it's gently ending, I suppose.
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:51 PM on August 29, 2023
Response by poster: Yeah I agree it’s fading from my view. Which sucks because she was the one who accelerated it a ton in the beginning with compliment bombing, and nothing really changed from my view (I guess except my letter).
posted by pando11 at 4:01 AM on August 30, 2023
posted by pando11 at 4:01 AM on August 30, 2023
Unfortunately, “Someone that I’ve been dating for a month and half is suddenly getting very distant” means that person is no longer into it and is putting space between you to gently end things. The only exceptions I can think of are (a) a huge crisis like a death in the family, or (b) she hoped you’d offer to help her post-surgery (getting home, etc) and you haven’t. But the sudden change in her behavior makes me think it isn’t (b). I think less is more here. Other than offering to help her out post-surgery (a ride home?) if it feels appropriate, I’d pull way back on initiating contact and see if you hear from her.
On preview: sometimes the people who come on the strongest at the beginning are also the ones who cool off fastest… something along the lines of love bombing.
I’m really sorry :(
posted by whitelily at 4:24 AM on August 30, 2023 [3 favorites]
On preview: sometimes the people who come on the strongest at the beginning are also the ones who cool off fastest… something along the lines of love bombing.
I’m really sorry :(
posted by whitelily at 4:24 AM on August 30, 2023 [3 favorites]
It sounds like she's the type to say "I really like you" in a casual way rather than a signifier of the relationship being long-term, and you got your wires crossed. Her slow responses are a way to show you the level of contact she wants right now.
Give her some space for now and occupy your time with friends/family/hobbies. Once the surgery is over, check in with her, asking if she's OK and if she needs any assistance. Leave it up to her to suggest the next date - if you push for one after the surgery it will only reinforce her perception of you as overly attached/clingy.
posted by wandering zinnia at 5:31 AM on August 30, 2023
Give her some space for now and occupy your time with friends/family/hobbies. Once the surgery is over, check in with her, asking if she's OK and if she needs any assistance. Leave it up to her to suggest the next date - if you push for one after the surgery it will only reinforce her perception of you as overly attached/clingy.
posted by wandering zinnia at 5:31 AM on August 30, 2023
If you don't want to be exclusive, the level of attention you are expecting from her is unreasonable. Reframe this as you needing to manage your own anxiety, and let her set the pace.
posted by ananci at 6:48 AM on August 30, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by ananci at 6:48 AM on August 30, 2023 [2 favorites]
she was the one who accelerated it a ton in the beginning with compliment bombing
You have to be careful with this stuff, and know yourself and what works for you and define for yourself what you think an appropriate early-dating arc SHOULD be for you. Don't be the person going "oh golly okay she's really firehosing me with intimacy and that could only be because of how much she is going to love me forever and couldn't possibly be that she's just a really intense person or in fact has really awful boundaries and/or relationship skills so I will just soak it all up and there will definitely be no consequences."
Also you know that love bombing is bad, right? Red flag stuff? It should worry you, not encourage you.
A lot of people who act that way aren't in fact going to love you forever, they just get a great high off limerence/New Relationship Energy and rush-rush-rush until they either burn through the newness and get bored OR eventually realize "oh, I am not even really into this person, it was just exciting." Probably no malice intended, but it's likely she got "caught up" in it and then realized, whoops, don't actually want to do this. For her it may have even also had a component of Real Life intruding in the good time she was having, where things were actually great for her until she had to step back and think harder about the hard stuff in life, and then it turned out she's got to rethink her priorities.
If someone is moving too fast for you in the future, slow it down. Either they will recognize they're making a mistake of enthusiasm - which is fair, most of us are tempted to be greedy for something we enjoy, it's just important that we then apply some wise adult self-discipline to it - and recalibrate or you will get a lot more insight into what that intensity actually means to them instead of what you are interpreting it to mean.
Relationships take more than attraction. People have to be equipped to actually participate in a healthy way, and not everyone is, and not everyone will be at the exact moment you cross paths with them. That's what dating is FOR, to figure out if it's viable to move forward one step at a time for a while. It looks like this one wasn't, and that's actually pretty normal as outcomes go.
posted by Lyn Never at 6:56 AM on August 30, 2023 [2 favorites]
You have to be careful with this stuff, and know yourself and what works for you and define for yourself what you think an appropriate early-dating arc SHOULD be for you. Don't be the person going "oh golly okay she's really firehosing me with intimacy and that could only be because of how much she is going to love me forever and couldn't possibly be that she's just a really intense person or in fact has really awful boundaries and/or relationship skills so I will just soak it all up and there will definitely be no consequences."
Also you know that love bombing is bad, right? Red flag stuff? It should worry you, not encourage you.
A lot of people who act that way aren't in fact going to love you forever, they just get a great high off limerence/New Relationship Energy and rush-rush-rush until they either burn through the newness and get bored OR eventually realize "oh, I am not even really into this person, it was just exciting." Probably no malice intended, but it's likely she got "caught up" in it and then realized, whoops, don't actually want to do this. For her it may have even also had a component of Real Life intruding in the good time she was having, where things were actually great for her until she had to step back and think harder about the hard stuff in life, and then it turned out she's got to rethink her priorities.
If someone is moving too fast for you in the future, slow it down. Either they will recognize they're making a mistake of enthusiasm - which is fair, most of us are tempted to be greedy for something we enjoy, it's just important that we then apply some wise adult self-discipline to it - and recalibrate or you will get a lot more insight into what that intensity actually means to them instead of what you are interpreting it to mean.
Relationships take more than attraction. People have to be equipped to actually participate in a healthy way, and not everyone is, and not everyone will be at the exact moment you cross paths with them. That's what dating is FOR, to figure out if it's viable to move forward one step at a time for a while. It looks like this one wasn't, and that's actually pretty normal as outcomes go.
posted by Lyn Never at 6:56 AM on August 30, 2023 [2 favorites]
Agree with Lyn Never that the love bombing is a red flag, so that says a lot already about this person (gets a high from limerance but burns out fast and won't sustain it).
They already gave you your answer. They aren't sure they want to hang out after surgery. So, you just need to move on or wait for them to contact you after surgery and decide if you want to see them again. You may not hear back and that's your answer.
You've communicated on your end, and now they will show you with their actions. You can decide now whether you're OK with this cool shoulder or not. Do you want someone who is hot and cold?
posted by AnyUsernameWillDo at 9:40 AM on August 30, 2023 [2 favorites]
They already gave you your answer. They aren't sure they want to hang out after surgery. So, you just need to move on or wait for them to contact you after surgery and decide if you want to see them again. You may not hear back and that's your answer.
You've communicated on your end, and now they will show you with their actions. You can decide now whether you're OK with this cool shoulder or not. Do you want someone who is hot and cold?
posted by AnyUsernameWillDo at 9:40 AM on August 30, 2023 [2 favorites]
You're getting some pretty...intense interpretations here. Sounds like you guys have been matching each other in terms of interest until ONE week ago. Honestly it just sounds like she's busy and/or preoccupied with with the surgery. Shoot her a text asking if you can support her any way with the surgery, then give her some space until afterwards. Then tell her you'd like to be exclusive, because you clearly do.
I don't think anything you've done or are thinking of doing is making her responsible for anxiety or creepy (you didn't sneak into her house, right? You just left it there as you were leaving?). And like, sometimes people go on a bunch of dates and tell you how great you are because they like you. No sinister reasons needed. There's a certain mindset that seems to believe that meeting for breakfast once a fortnight and firmly shaking hands is the only way to have a healthy, adult relationship. You're allowed to have feelings, and want to spend lots of time together, really.
But for your own peace of mind, try to stop reading her mind.
posted by umwelt at 2:53 PM on August 30, 2023 [1 favorite]
I don't think anything you've done or are thinking of doing is making her responsible for anxiety or creepy (you didn't sneak into her house, right? You just left it there as you were leaving?). And like, sometimes people go on a bunch of dates and tell you how great you are because they like you. No sinister reasons needed. There's a certain mindset that seems to believe that meeting for breakfast once a fortnight and firmly shaking hands is the only way to have a healthy, adult relationship. You're allowed to have feelings, and want to spend lots of time together, really.
But for your own peace of mind, try to stop reading her mind.
posted by umwelt at 2:53 PM on August 30, 2023 [1 favorite]
Sounds like deactivation to me, or in other words, lovebombing then ghosting. For someone who has a fearful-avoidant attachment style, deactivation is when they get overwhelmed by too much connection and suddenly pull back. You don’t need to have done anything wrong for this to happen. It frequently happens at would-be relationship milestones (like a surgery) or when their partner does something a little much for them (like maybe receiving a letter laying out your feelings in all their vulnerable glory, or having a Define The Relationship conversation). It it could just be all the time together… even if they themselves initiated it.
Then they have kind of a disgust or fear reaction to what they see as too much vulnerability, and lose interest seemingly overnight. I’ve heard it called “getting the ick.” And then it might take some time to come back from that reaction. But the cycle is likely to keep happening - lovebombing when things feel good, ghosting when they get the ick. It’s just their nervous system programming, as frustrating as it is for you.
I don’t know if your person has a fearful-avoidant attachment style, but it’s the first thing that comes to mind. I find it helpful to recognize that it’s not necessarily about anything you did - just the passage of time may be enough (“oh no, things have been too good for too long, they might start expecting me to be vulnerable, this feels dangerous, aaaah!” And they shut down. The letter may have been the trigger, but if it wasn’t that, it would have been something else.
posted by danceswithlight at 5:58 PM on August 30, 2023 [3 favorites]
Then they have kind of a disgust or fear reaction to what they see as too much vulnerability, and lose interest seemingly overnight. I’ve heard it called “getting the ick.” And then it might take some time to come back from that reaction. But the cycle is likely to keep happening - lovebombing when things feel good, ghosting when they get the ick. It’s just their nervous system programming, as frustrating as it is for you.
I don’t know if your person has a fearful-avoidant attachment style, but it’s the first thing that comes to mind. I find it helpful to recognize that it’s not necessarily about anything you did - just the passage of time may be enough (“oh no, things have been too good for too long, they might start expecting me to be vulnerable, this feels dangerous, aaaah!” And they shut down. The letter may have been the trigger, but if it wasn’t that, it would have been something else.
posted by danceswithlight at 5:58 PM on August 30, 2023 [3 favorites]
Yeah, if there's anything I learned from the whole crush debacle, it's that fearful avoidants (or the regular sort of avoidants) should be written off with great force. I wish I'd seen all those videos on YouTube years ago so I would have known better. If they're going to back away every time you have a moment of affection, then fuck them. They don't really like you anyway and never did and never will.
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:42 PM on August 30, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:42 PM on August 30, 2023 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: I decided I’m going to break up with her. I was going to reach out and ask if everything is ok, and honestly - I realized I was giving her too much power. Instead I reflected on how I feel, and it’s not good. I learned a lot from this one, and how to show up better in that I was selfish but also to avoid people who love bomb and one week out of a relationship.
posted by pando11 at 4:59 AM on August 31, 2023 [4 favorites]
posted by pando11 at 4:59 AM on August 31, 2023 [4 favorites]
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posted by kingdead at 4:38 PM on August 29, 2023 [31 favorites]