Finding dating hope again after breakup
February 13, 2023 11:29 AM Subscribe
I recently ended a 5-year relationship with a great guy that unfortunately did not work out due to various incompatibilities. This was my only serious LTR and my previous relationships were pretty shitty as a rule. I’m a 33-year-old cishet woman and sort of terrified of my dating future ahead. Looking for hope, inspiration and advice for diving back into the dating pool when I’m ready.
I’m not really afraid of being alone…I’m very independent, I lived alone for years and I do great at it. And I don’t have the biological clock to worry about since I am 100% sure I don’t want kids. I would like to have a partner again someday though and maybe would like to get married. I am just dealing with a lot of fears that I am past my prime now and that dating is going to be difficult being in my 30s instead of my 20s. I realized I have internalized a lot of misogynist talking points about how women “hit the wall” and are only valuable at their most fertile.
I was the one who ended the relationship because I was very unhappy and we weren’t able to work through our issues. I’m dealing with a lot of intrusive thoughts that my ex will easily be able to pick up a beautiful woman our age or younger while I’ll be stuck past my prime and alone forever.
I didn’t have a lot of dating luck before I met my now-ex at 28. In my early 20s I had a couple shitty relationships with guys I met at bars and shows. Then I was on and off dating apps for a few years before I met the ex on Tinder. I remember dating apps being a bit demoralizing. I went on a lot of disappointing dates and had a few 2-3 month long situations that ended either with me getting ghosted or me dumping the guy after finding out there was a big dealbreaker. My ex was really the only good experience in like 3 years of using the apps. But I don’t really know how to meet anyone outside of the apps, I am older and not out on the town all the time, and people don’t talk to strangers like they used to before apps became the thing. I’ve been involved in various volunteer and activist groups for years but they were always mostly women.
Reading about dating online there seems to be so much disappointment for women with a slew of men who are dishonest, unfaithful, addicted to porn or video games, have unrealistic expectations for women, etc. I’m smart, have a good job and interesting hobbies, am probably average-attractiveness but fit and in good shape. I think I bring more self confidence and awareness to the table than when I was 28. But I’m really worried that I won’t be enough since I didn’t have an easy time dating even when I was younger.
I guess I’m just looking for hopeful advice. And resources like articles, podcasts, books that will provide good advice and encouragement to get over this and be confident when I get back into the game.
I’m not really afraid of being alone…I’m very independent, I lived alone for years and I do great at it. And I don’t have the biological clock to worry about since I am 100% sure I don’t want kids. I would like to have a partner again someday though and maybe would like to get married. I am just dealing with a lot of fears that I am past my prime now and that dating is going to be difficult being in my 30s instead of my 20s. I realized I have internalized a lot of misogynist talking points about how women “hit the wall” and are only valuable at their most fertile.
I was the one who ended the relationship because I was very unhappy and we weren’t able to work through our issues. I’m dealing with a lot of intrusive thoughts that my ex will easily be able to pick up a beautiful woman our age or younger while I’ll be stuck past my prime and alone forever.
I didn’t have a lot of dating luck before I met my now-ex at 28. In my early 20s I had a couple shitty relationships with guys I met at bars and shows. Then I was on and off dating apps for a few years before I met the ex on Tinder. I remember dating apps being a bit demoralizing. I went on a lot of disappointing dates and had a few 2-3 month long situations that ended either with me getting ghosted or me dumping the guy after finding out there was a big dealbreaker. My ex was really the only good experience in like 3 years of using the apps. But I don’t really know how to meet anyone outside of the apps, I am older and not out on the town all the time, and people don’t talk to strangers like they used to before apps became the thing. I’ve been involved in various volunteer and activist groups for years but they were always mostly women.
Reading about dating online there seems to be so much disappointment for women with a slew of men who are dishonest, unfaithful, addicted to porn or video games, have unrealistic expectations for women, etc. I’m smart, have a good job and interesting hobbies, am probably average-attractiveness but fit and in good shape. I think I bring more self confidence and awareness to the table than when I was 28. But I’m really worried that I won’t be enough since I didn’t have an easy time dating even when I was younger.
I guess I’m just looking for hopeful advice. And resources like articles, podcasts, books that will provide good advice and encouragement to get over this and be confident when I get back into the game.
I'm 48, and get matches every day and go on as many dates as I want. You're definitely not too old if I'm not too old. There'll always be some men who want younger or prettier or whatever but there are plenty that date women in their thirties (and forties and fifties).
posted by rabbitrabbit at 12:11 PM on February 13, 2023 [7 favorites]
posted by rabbitrabbit at 12:11 PM on February 13, 2023 [7 favorites]
I experienced something like this at your stage in life and ended up meeting my now wife shortly afterwards via app. There are a LOT of people in the world and a lot of them would be happy to meet you. You're doing this for you right now, so let go of the pressure and just try to enjoy meeting new people. You are not in any way deficient, too old, not cool enough, etc. You are you and lots of people already appreciate that - you're just looking for one or two more.
You can also take a break and just not do it for a while and come back whenever you feel comfortable. It's your choice!
I realize therapy is frequently suggested on here but in this case someone who isn't already in your social circle would be a very helpful resource to interrogate and challenge some of the patterns you recognize in yourself.
posted by BlackLeotardFront at 12:36 PM on February 13, 2023 [2 favorites]
You can also take a break and just not do it for a while and come back whenever you feel comfortable. It's your choice!
I realize therapy is frequently suggested on here but in this case someone who isn't already in your social circle would be a very helpful resource to interrogate and challenge some of the patterns you recognize in yourself.
posted by BlackLeotardFront at 12:36 PM on February 13, 2023 [2 favorites]
The whole "numbers game" thing is overrated. It's a numbers game in the sense that there are a lot of accounts on any dating app and therefore a lot of dead weight to slog through. But how sad can you really be about losing the possible companionship of a thirtysomething or older man who exclusively dates twentysomething women? Think of all of your specific experiences and personality traits as additional filters that helps you discard more and more of the chaff. Most dating apps have far more men than women.
Also, practically nobody has a "dating prime" in the sense that they are young and desirable and that the relationships they have as a result are just super. Having shitty relationships, or none, is just what most dating in your twenties is like. For a lot of people that seems to change in your thirties because you work on yourself in all kinds of ways and so, if you're lucky, do the people you're dating. At least people tend to have a better sense of who they are and what they want, which definitely improves dating outcomes.
posted by derrinyet at 12:43 PM on February 13, 2023 [2 favorites]
Also, practically nobody has a "dating prime" in the sense that they are young and desirable and that the relationships they have as a result are just super. Having shitty relationships, or none, is just what most dating in your twenties is like. For a lot of people that seems to change in your thirties because you work on yourself in all kinds of ways and so, if you're lucky, do the people you're dating. At least people tend to have a better sense of who they are and what they want, which definitely improves dating outcomes.
posted by derrinyet at 12:43 PM on February 13, 2023 [2 favorites]
Hey I'm on the apps and older than you. It's ok, although I have definitely learned a lot about what men think women are looking for. I need a setting for "I do not care how often you work out."
Feel free to message if you want more details.
I understand the fear of your ex doing "better", but he's not your problem anymore, and everything that made him not work for you will now be stuff for the next person to deal with. You are free.
You also do not have to prove your desirability by immediately dating, though you can. But it's ok to take a break if you need one. Block your ex on social media and avoid learning anything about what he is doing. It's not relevant to you.
posted by emjaybee at 1:14 PM on February 13, 2023 [2 favorites]
Feel free to message if you want more details.
I understand the fear of your ex doing "better", but he's not your problem anymore, and everything that made him not work for you will now be stuff for the next person to deal with. You are free.
You also do not have to prove your desirability by immediately dating, though you can. But it's ok to take a break if you need one. Block your ex on social media and avoid learning anything about what he is doing. It's not relevant to you.
posted by emjaybee at 1:14 PM on February 13, 2023 [2 favorites]
"I am just dealing with a lot of fears that I am past my prime now and that dating is going to be difficult being in my 30s instead of my 20s."
I'm here to say that this is not true. Your prime is when you decide it is. As I get older, as the women I date get older, dating gets easier as everyone slowly loses their societal conditioning and becomes more their own person.
I mean, dating is never *easy*, and the nature of dating problems change, but on the whole (and I'm making a massive generalization here) -- datees get better as they age and drop the things that Just Don't Matter.
'Past your prime' -- forget that idea. Seriously.
posted by Capt. Renault at 1:25 PM on February 13, 2023 [2 favorites]
I'm here to say that this is not true. Your prime is when you decide it is. As I get older, as the women I date get older, dating gets easier as everyone slowly loses their societal conditioning and becomes more their own person.
I mean, dating is never *easy*, and the nature of dating problems change, but on the whole (and I'm making a massive generalization here) -- datees get better as they age and drop the things that Just Don't Matter.
'Past your prime' -- forget that idea. Seriously.
posted by Capt. Renault at 1:25 PM on February 13, 2023 [2 favorites]
And as ever, I recommend 'It's Not You' by Sara Eckel. It takes all the myths of why you might be single and explodes them. So much of dating bullshit gets removed. It's hugely self-empowering (and I'm someone with a real aversion to self-help books).
posted by Capt. Renault at 1:29 PM on February 13, 2023 [4 favorites]
posted by Capt. Renault at 1:29 PM on February 13, 2023 [4 favorites]
So, first of all, you are not old. Really and truly. I have been in a place of feeling really dispirited about dating and what opportunities I have. About five years ago, in my mid-40s, I was separated and wanting to date and saw some article about how I might have to lower my standards. That article was hogwash. I am having a great time dating!
There are some truly lovely men in this world who will be very excited to find a fit, smart woman who is employed and does interesting things in the world and is independent. You know what you sound like? A total dream for a man about your age who also doesn't want kids and who is also smart and has his shit together. So, don't date men who aren't what you want. Yes, there are lots of addicts and jerks.
There can be some tricks with online dating, to weed out those men (I have all sorts of suggestions I could share if you asked about this in another question -- red flags in profiles -- and I'm sure others here would too). And sometimes you go on a date with someone you realize isn't great. When you meet them, move on quickly!
Our culture has really done a number on us. The idea that a 33 year old woman is washed up or undesirable is bonkers. I don't just mean older men will want to be with you. I mean plenty of men your age will also want to date women their age.
Dating, and the apps, can be a bit of a drag. But I think we often get out of dating apps the energy we bring to it. (A woman friend said to me recently, "I realized that the reason I kept finding garbage people on dating apps was because I was looking for garbage people.") That's not to say you should blame yourself if it's hard. It can be tough! But this is an exciting time and opportunity for you. You've got your shit together, and it's time to figure out what you want in a relationship and go look for that.
And try, if you can, to let go of the idea that you are in competition with your ex, or that him dating someone younger or better looking somehow reflects on you. That has nothing to do with you! And honestly, if you all had a good relationship for most of that time, he'll probably end up dating women who are mostly like you. And that's okay! His dating and future are irrelevant to yours. Also, if you do want to date younger men, you'd like find plenty who are very excited about dating an older woman. That's a thing now, for sure.
I'll co-sign Capt. Renault that dating is easier now than when I was younger. I'm not at my most svelte, but I am so much more comfortable with myself, and confident, that I enjoy it all a whole lot more. Good luck to you.
posted by bluedaisy at 1:40 PM on February 13, 2023 [3 favorites]
There are some truly lovely men in this world who will be very excited to find a fit, smart woman who is employed and does interesting things in the world and is independent. You know what you sound like? A total dream for a man about your age who also doesn't want kids and who is also smart and has his shit together. So, don't date men who aren't what you want. Yes, there are lots of addicts and jerks.
There can be some tricks with online dating, to weed out those men (I have all sorts of suggestions I could share if you asked about this in another question -- red flags in profiles -- and I'm sure others here would too). And sometimes you go on a date with someone you realize isn't great. When you meet them, move on quickly!
Our culture has really done a number on us. The idea that a 33 year old woman is washed up or undesirable is bonkers. I don't just mean older men will want to be with you. I mean plenty of men your age will also want to date women their age.
Dating, and the apps, can be a bit of a drag. But I think we often get out of dating apps the energy we bring to it. (A woman friend said to me recently, "I realized that the reason I kept finding garbage people on dating apps was because I was looking for garbage people.") That's not to say you should blame yourself if it's hard. It can be tough! But this is an exciting time and opportunity for you. You've got your shit together, and it's time to figure out what you want in a relationship and go look for that.
And try, if you can, to let go of the idea that you are in competition with your ex, or that him dating someone younger or better looking somehow reflects on you. That has nothing to do with you! And honestly, if you all had a good relationship for most of that time, he'll probably end up dating women who are mostly like you. And that's okay! His dating and future are irrelevant to yours. Also, if you do want to date younger men, you'd like find plenty who are very excited about dating an older woman. That's a thing now, for sure.
I'll co-sign Capt. Renault that dating is easier now than when I was younger. I'm not at my most svelte, but I am so much more comfortable with myself, and confident, that I enjoy it all a whole lot more. Good luck to you.
posted by bluedaisy at 1:40 PM on February 13, 2023 [3 favorites]
I can't speak to using apps in one's 30s specifically, because I was in my 30s before it really took off. However, as someone who is now so, so much older than you, and who was also convinced that my absolutely bog-awful dating history in my 20s was "the best it'll ever get, it's all downhill after 30" I would like to just let you know that this is absolutely not the case.
In fact, romantically speaking, I probably get more attention now in my 40s than I ever did at any point in my life, and basically none of it* is crap attention from shitheads. And I look like hell these days! I look so terrible lately that I even wrote an Ask about it, ha.
Dating is never all about looks or youth or any of the things that jerkasses want us to think it is. Most people, as they grow into themselves, are just above all looking for someone they want to be around--someone to make them laugh, comfort them when shit is hard, make them feel happy to be themselves, and all that good stuff. You don't need rock hard abs or unlined brows to do that.
*Ok, so like, every now and then I still get catcalled and it sucks. But now sometimes I turn around and when they see I'm their mom's age, they mumble "sorry ma'am" and scurry away, and this is actually delightful.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 1:48 PM on February 13, 2023 [10 favorites]
In fact, romantically speaking, I probably get more attention now in my 40s than I ever did at any point in my life, and basically none of it* is crap attention from shitheads. And I look like hell these days! I look so terrible lately that I even wrote an Ask about it, ha.
Dating is never all about looks or youth or any of the things that jerkasses want us to think it is. Most people, as they grow into themselves, are just above all looking for someone they want to be around--someone to make them laugh, comfort them when shit is hard, make them feel happy to be themselves, and all that good stuff. You don't need rock hard abs or unlined brows to do that.
*Ok, so like, every now and then I still get catcalled and it sucks. But now sometimes I turn around and when they see I'm their mom's age, they mumble "sorry ma'am" and scurry away, and this is actually delightful.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 1:48 PM on February 13, 2023 [10 favorites]
Well, in my 30s I met a man through the newspaper personals (yep, I'm old enough to not have had a computer) that I later married. And even though that marriage ended, I never gave up. I'm now 56 years old, and over two years ago (thanks to an app recomendation from a MeFite here) I met the man who is probably the love of my life.
all this to say: you are FAR from not in your prime. Life holds wonderful things in store that we will always be surprised by. There are so many available men that you never, ever need to settle for less than what makes you happy.
Be good to yourself! You are amazing exactly as you are.
posted by annieb at 5:26 PM on February 13, 2023 [3 favorites]
all this to say: you are FAR from not in your prime. Life holds wonderful things in store that we will always be surprised by. There are so many available men that you never, ever need to settle for less than what makes you happy.
Be good to yourself! You are amazing exactly as you are.
posted by annieb at 5:26 PM on February 13, 2023 [3 favorites]
First, 33 is a perfect age to date! You are young but experienced in life, which is wonderful!
I hear you on dating apps being rough! My experience has been that I am yet to meet anyone I would want a relationship with and tbh don't even want a relationship anymore; my friendships and other connections are more important. When I'm looking to date casually (good conversation, great sex, fun outings!), I have literally thousands of options as a relatively average solo poly woman who's almost 40. It is as fucking amazing as the previous dating was fucking awful.
When it comes to men (I'm bi), my focus is on men who are slightly younger. Whenever I sense any sort of weirdness or yuck, I unmatch. There are so, so, so many creeps out there: men who are insecure and try to neg us to bring us down? Drop 'em like a hot potato (or a hot turd eww.) Please don't waste a single second on these men as there are actually quite a few lovely ones who, while not looking for something permanent, are a true delight. The catch is that I'm not looking for something permanent either; it's much, much harder when people are so I want to acknowledge that. I go through phases where I don't use the apps and other times where I'll date multiple people in a week. My life is really full so the dating is a cherry on top; I've had times where it felt too important and that's hard. Being ghosted is so normal these days, sadly! My preference is Bumble but all apps have pros and cons.
My recommendations are to avoid all the dating advice people on YouTube, like the dudes, although some do have good points. I just do what I want and am honest and that works. I would rather be single than settle or even uncomfortable. I think A Single Revolution by Shani Silver is great, namely her book and Instagram; the podcast is hit or miss for me. Sis, Don't Settle by Faith Jenkins is great if you're looking for a serious relationship. While I don't agree with all of her political views, Shallon Lester on YouTube has a great vibe of empowerment.
I wish you luck and promise you that, whatever happens, there is hope and things will feel better than they do now. I've been there and it god awful. <3
posted by smorgasbord at 7:37 PM on February 13, 2023 [2 favorites]
I hear you on dating apps being rough! My experience has been that I am yet to meet anyone I would want a relationship with and tbh don't even want a relationship anymore; my friendships and other connections are more important. When I'm looking to date casually (good conversation, great sex, fun outings!), I have literally thousands of options as a relatively average solo poly woman who's almost 40. It is as fucking amazing as the previous dating was fucking awful.
When it comes to men (I'm bi), my focus is on men who are slightly younger. Whenever I sense any sort of weirdness or yuck, I unmatch. There are so, so, so many creeps out there: men who are insecure and try to neg us to bring us down? Drop 'em like a hot potato (or a hot turd eww.) Please don't waste a single second on these men as there are actually quite a few lovely ones who, while not looking for something permanent, are a true delight. The catch is that I'm not looking for something permanent either; it's much, much harder when people are so I want to acknowledge that. I go through phases where I don't use the apps and other times where I'll date multiple people in a week. My life is really full so the dating is a cherry on top; I've had times where it felt too important and that's hard. Being ghosted is so normal these days, sadly! My preference is Bumble but all apps have pros and cons.
My recommendations are to avoid all the dating advice people on YouTube, like the dudes, although some do have good points. I just do what I want and am honest and that works. I would rather be single than settle or even uncomfortable. I think A Single Revolution by Shani Silver is great, namely her book and Instagram; the podcast is hit or miss for me. Sis, Don't Settle by Faith Jenkins is great if you're looking for a serious relationship. While I don't agree with all of her political views, Shallon Lester on YouTube has a great vibe of empowerment.
I wish you luck and promise you that, whatever happens, there is hope and things will feel better than they do now. I've been there and it god awful. <3
posted by smorgasbord at 7:37 PM on February 13, 2023 [2 favorites]
As someone who stopped dating for about ten years after an awful breakup in my late twenties, I have deep empathy for what you’re feeling right now. Perhaps the most helpful thing for me to remember when I started dating again, at about 35, was that having fewer options can be a major plus, rather than a minus.
Those men who don’t want to date women over 30-whatever are very helpfully clearing themselves from the field. You want someone who is excited and delighted to date you at the age you are, and all the ones after. Sure, there are some on-balance-good human dudes who will figure this out as they themselves age or go to therapy or what have you, but do you want to waste time teaching another grown-ass adult that lasting love is based on the sweet intangibles of shared values, playfulness, and capacity for empathy? Fuck no.
The second-most-important thing for me to remember was that it’s a lot easier to get what I want when *I* pursue it. Asking people out can be intimidating, but it’s also intensely liberating. (Again, any man who would be turned off at the prospect of being asked on a date by a woman? Not for me!) Getting comfortable with other people turning *me* down was powerful medicine, and building up the courage to ask built the same emotional muscles it takes to have hard conversations.
*You* had the strength to honor your needs and leave a relationship that wasn’t right: that same strength will help you kick ass at dating, when the time is right for you.
posted by rrrrrrrrrt at 7:47 PM on February 13, 2023 [4 favorites]
Those men who don’t want to date women over 30-whatever are very helpfully clearing themselves from the field. You want someone who is excited and delighted to date you at the age you are, and all the ones after. Sure, there are some on-balance-good human dudes who will figure this out as they themselves age or go to therapy or what have you, but do you want to waste time teaching another grown-ass adult that lasting love is based on the sweet intangibles of shared values, playfulness, and capacity for empathy? Fuck no.
The second-most-important thing for me to remember was that it’s a lot easier to get what I want when *I* pursue it. Asking people out can be intimidating, but it’s also intensely liberating. (Again, any man who would be turned off at the prospect of being asked on a date by a woman? Not for me!) Getting comfortable with other people turning *me* down was powerful medicine, and building up the courage to ask built the same emotional muscles it takes to have hard conversations.
*You* had the strength to honor your needs and leave a relationship that wasn’t right: that same strength will help you kick ass at dating, when the time is right for you.
posted by rrrrrrrrrt at 7:47 PM on February 13, 2023 [4 favorites]
Lots of good advice above. I met my now husband on Tinder when I was 37 and he was 39. 33 is not old at all. Like you, I did not date much when I was younger, but had an active social life with friends and hobbies plus probably an unhealthy work-life balance. No one is good at dating, per se, some people are just less picky or more lucky. I'm pretty picky and eventually got lucky. As I got older I was less likely to put up with BS, so that made dating a bit easier in some regards.
posted by emd3737 at 1:39 AM on February 14, 2023
posted by emd3737 at 1:39 AM on February 14, 2023
The best advice I can give you is to take your attention outside of the dating/relationships frame for a bit. That doesn't mean you can't still date, or think about dating, I mean rather that this is a good time to dive into your values and the decisions, directions, goals, etc. that are in alignment with them.
I went though my divorce when I was 39. I'm a gay dude, so fertility isn't exactly the same worry, but I was also dealing with the awareness that I was probably passing the milestone of being able to start a family of my own (I have three wonderful stepkids who are still very much my family, but parenthood in general was and is something that I value and has taken some tending to). If you're interested in a self-directed therapeutic workbook, I found this one really helpful when I was facing that life transition (I've talked about that experience, and this workbook/therapy in general, many times before on here). I still use this workbook, and the other books written by the author (Steven Hayes) ultimately led me to acceptance and commitment therapy (which sounds woo but is one of many evidence-based therapy approaches). Moments of personal pain are very good opportunities to make some time and space to think about what that pain means, and a lot of therapists can help you draw some big circles around how your pain is illuminating what you value most, and how you can respond to that illumination.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 4:23 AM on February 14, 2023 [2 favorites]
I went though my divorce when I was 39. I'm a gay dude, so fertility isn't exactly the same worry, but I was also dealing with the awareness that I was probably passing the milestone of being able to start a family of my own (I have three wonderful stepkids who are still very much my family, but parenthood in general was and is something that I value and has taken some tending to). If you're interested in a self-directed therapeutic workbook, I found this one really helpful when I was facing that life transition (I've talked about that experience, and this workbook/therapy in general, many times before on here). I still use this workbook, and the other books written by the author (Steven Hayes) ultimately led me to acceptance and commitment therapy (which sounds woo but is one of many evidence-based therapy approaches). Moments of personal pain are very good opportunities to make some time and space to think about what that pain means, and a lot of therapists can help you draw some big circles around how your pain is illuminating what you value most, and how you can respond to that illumination.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 4:23 AM on February 14, 2023 [2 favorites]
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The dating scene varies by location, of course, but I did not observe a shortage of men around my age interested in dating women of the same age. It was demoralizing at times, if there was a string of "meh" dates, or if things ended with someone I was excited about. If I was feeling demoralized, I stopped dating until I felt interested again. And I made sure that I wasn't making dating the focus of my socializing - I made sure to get together with friends and do things by myself frequently.
Based on my experience I'd say: invest in what's fun. It was fun for me to go on dates, not chat online, so if someone didn't want to make a plan to meet pretty quickly, I disengaged politely. When I wasn't having fun dating, I'd take a break. And I made sure that I was doing plenty of non-dating fun things. Basically, I kept it as low pressure on myself as I could, and focused on how dating could add to my life independent of finding a relationship - improving my conversational skills, going to places off my beaten track, that sort of thing. I haven't been actively dating for awhile, but I wouldn't dread trying it again, based on my experiences when I was your age.
posted by EvaDestruction at 12:05 PM on February 13, 2023 [1 favorite]