What does romantic attraction feel like to you?

January 10, 2023 7:51 AM

I was a late bloomer and basically did not experience strong romantic attraction growing up. Once I became an adult, I increasingly developed attraction to others, but it still feels hazy and confusing to me. I am curious to hear what others experience to try to clarify my own feelings.

I am a woman and grew up dating men, only to realize later in life I was attracted to women as well. So for me part of the confusion stems from this fact, I think, besides just being kind of a slow, not-super-sexual person.

I would love to hear anyone's experience with romantic attraction. What does it feel like to you? I would be eager to hear from both straight and queer people. Did those who are bi experience a similar kind of confusion about their feelings towards others?

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (9 answers total)

For me romantic attraction is about really enjoying someone’s company, thinking of them a lot, and feeling an intensity about them that’s stronger or at least different than for my platonic friends. I’m bi and would say the feelings and intensity are the same regardless of gender but all depend on the person. When I was younger and growing up in a more homophobic time, I was sometimes less conscious of my queer crushes than so-called straight ones due to societal programming I’d guess. I have a lot of close intense platonic friends too so the main difference is a feeling I can’t explain to myself or others but is there! I have felt less romantic attraction and more sexual attraction as I’ve gotten older, which is interesting. I think overall I’m more independent, cautious, and self-aware, which feels right for me. I am open to love but have learned to be aware of limerence and the like versus deeper, mutual connections for healthy reasons. It’s not bad to like someone for any reason but it’s important to understand why and be careful if they’re a bad match.

I don’t think there’s a wrong answer to your question as everyone feels these things differently! I do look forward to hearing everyone’s responses. Here’s to romantic and sexual diversity!!
posted by smorgasbord at 8:57 AM on January 10, 2023 [2 favorites]

Similar to smorgasbord, a lot of love/lust/strong-like is when you find yourself thinking of them a lot. If you're in the same room with them, you're seeking them out - looking for them in a crowd so you know where they are. It's about spending time with them, enjoying that, and wanting to spend more time with them. Those things are the starts to 'love,' which to me, grows over time. I'm happily married, but it's still hard to know what love is. I just know that I'm happier when I'm with my spouse; I want to be with them; and I want them to be happy and their best self.
posted by hydra77 at 9:04 AM on January 10, 2023 [1 favorite]

Man, I cannot personally distinguish romance and intense friendship at all, and I get limerent about people all the time and not for any especially good reason. You might get something out of this similar question too.
posted by restless_nomad at 9:11 AM on January 10, 2023 [1 favorite]

I too identify as Bi, and realized this later in life.

To me, romantic attraction is an all-consuming thing. I'll think about that person a lot, I'll imagine all sorts of scenarios playing out how the future will be. I want to talk to and be around that person constantly. It is something I am capable of feeling for any person (although, my biggest/most significant romantic attractions have been to cis-gendered heterosexual men, because of the whole realizing I was bi later in life).

I did go on a few dates with women, and what I noticed during that process is that it so much easier for me to physically attracted to women. If I'm physically attracted to men, I typically need to have an emotional connection first. Sometimes there's a super hot guy... But typically, if I see someone and think, "That person is hot!", it's usually a woman.

Before realizing I was bi, I had what might have been romantic attractions, but those didn't exist in a way that I could name, so I made some weird contortions. For example, there was a girl that I had a crush on in high school, but I didn't know it back then. At the time, I was convinced that the boy I also had a crush on must be in love with her, because she was so amazing... But that was really just me liking her.

I'm pretty sure I'm mostly alloromantic, but maybe I lean more demisexual... but you might want to look into definitions for alloromantic, demisexual, aromantic, ace/asexual. See if anything resonates. Labels are nice, because they can help you find community, but, at the same time, I think labels can sometimes shift and change over time.

Some resources (Shared within my Bi+ group):
* Aro/Ace/Allo cartoon from HeckinUnicorn
* Autostraddle
* Being Not Straight
* Sounds Fake, But OK

Best of luck, I hope you gain some clarity!
posted by skunk pig at 9:38 AM on January 10, 2023 [5 favorites]

There's ways and ways.

The way that I first felt was to meet someone and feel a click. It wasn't a sense of limerence or desire or even instant liking. I just remember looking at them (this has been multiple people, as well as multiple genders) and feeling something indescribable, fleeting, not exactly pleasant: a sort of recognition, although of what I could not say. This didn't translate to instant rapport, although I never outright hated a person like that, despite romcoms and novels telling me that happened all the time. I might ignore them or tease them, but I could never take my eyes off them.

Later, as the feeling grew, I'd ask myself: why them? Others would ask me that, too, because I am attracted to some weird sons of bitches. Is it hormones? A kaleidoscope of emotional problems moving into focus on a new object? Or just good hair? Who amongst us can say.
posted by Countess Elena at 1:42 PM on January 10, 2023 [3 favorites]

That's a really interesting question. As someone pretty far on the straight side of the Kinsey scale who has more or less been involved in a series of long term relationships for the last 30 years but is not currently. . . romance is a lot like music. Music that makes you want to cry. (e.g., this); It seems to be really fundamental and beyond logic. (I've tried interacting with people of the wrong gender and it was incredibly boring. I can't really explain why it's different. But, it sure is.)
posted by eotvos at 7:18 PM on January 10, 2023 [1 favorite]

GNC queer lady here. I am a pretty un-romantic person. I'd been infatuated plenty of times, but never felt moved to pair up over it. When I finally fell in love with someone (in my 30s) I felt completely insane. Happy, but insane. Joy--exhilaration--it was like doing something really, really fun that I knew was going to get me hurt. There was absolutely no doubt for me what it was, because I had never felt anything even approaching it before. All I thought about was impressing her, making her laugh, getting her to notice me, and getting to know her.
posted by the liquid oxygen at 4:57 PM on January 12, 2023

I could have asked this question two years ago, when I was extremely depressed and had trouble feeling happy, let alone in love. That's when I met my boyfriend and something just... fell into place. A good rule of thumb is that if you've already begun wondering "Am I in love/do I have a crush on this person?", then the answer is yes.

I came to terms with being bi recently and have had crushes on a few people. Everyone experiences love a little differently, and every pair of lovers has a slightly different dynamic, but there's broad similarities between how people feel around those they crush on.

How I felt when getting to know my boyfriend:
- Feeling like you just "click", or if not, searching for similarities between you and them to justify to yourself why the two of you would be a good couple
- Feeling nervous when asking them to hang out
- Finding excuses to talk to them
- Feeling validated when they choose to confide in you because it shows you're important to them!
- Wondering what it would be like to be physically intimate with them (anything from hand holding to sex)
- Wanting to tell them about your daily life events, such as what you had for breakfast or a funny sign you saw in town
- Worrying excessively about whether they find you as important as you find them
- Cherishing their company and leaving your visits feeling as if you matter
- Slowly finding them more attractive as you get to know them better
- Wanting to know as much about them as possible; wanting to know "the real them"

For repressed crushes on the same gender (though a lot of this applies to non-repressed crushes too):
- Feeling extremely excited and fangirly when you see the person and desperately hoping no one else notices your reaction.
- Getting defensive when asked about it and/or outright denying you have any Special Feelings for them.
- Constantly sneaking peeks to admire them. (And justifying it in your mind as Not A Crush because who wouldn't be attracted to someone beautiful?)
- Spending a lot of time explaining to yourself, debating in your mind, why getting butterflies in your stomach/your heart skipping a beat every time you see them doesn't mean you have a crush on them.
posted by wandering zinnia at 10:39 AM on January 14, 2023

To answer the question at the bottom of your post, a hallmark of having a crush for me involves spending a lot of time debating whether I do/don't have one. I'm not sure this is a bi thing so much as a human thing, though it was much easier for me to acknowledge hetero crushes and move past the "do I or don't I?" stage than with homo crushes. I have also learnt that getting to know someone well and building trust is a very important part of increasing my feelings towards someone I have a crush on. I'm not going to want to be intimate if they don't care about me as a person.
posted by wandering zinnia at 10:45 AM on January 14, 2023