Men who want to change

August 24, 2023 3:25 PM

I'm looking for stories about men who used to be abusive, but are trying not to be anymore.

A close friend of mine is dating a man who has a history of being physically and emotionally abusive toward his partners. She wants to continue dating him because she believes that he is doing the work to learn why he behaves this way and how he can change. I don't agree with this decision, but I want to learn more about what this work looks like.

So, I would like to read, watch, or listen to stories from the perspective of men who used to, or are maybe still struggling not to, behave abusively towards other people in their lives. I want to learn about what they thought and felt when they were harming someone, how they realized their actions were unacceptable, how they went about trying to change (the more detail the better), and what differences they see in their lives and relationships. Fiction and nonfiction are both fine and I'm open to movies, podcasts, blog posts, books, articles, videos, Metafilter comments, personal experience, whatever you got. I'm also interested in resources meant to help these men.

I'm not looking for stories from the perspective of the victim, advice or resources on how to cope with or leave an abuser, stories about abusive people who aren't men, or stories about men who are abusive but don't realize it or don't want to change.

(Also, I am not in any danger and my friend is receiving lots of love and support and is okay.)

posted by birthday cake to Human Relations (8 answers total)

No Visible Bruises includes some of that, but it's not the focus and IIRC, there's still a lot of rationalizing their behavior as they talk about receiving therapy and other services. (NYTimes Book review) (Guardian review)

The academic literature, generally, examining efficacy of perpetrator services will also have anecdotes, but I'm hard-pressed to think of popular media which presents perspectives of men who perpetrate gender-based violence in any nuanced way.
posted by crush at 4:30 PM on August 24, 2023

The autobiography that David Suzuki wrote when he was 50. Metamorphosis: Stages in a life (1987) ISBN 0-773-72139-8
posted by shockpoppet at 4:46 PM on August 24, 2023 [1 favorite]

Best answer: She is Not Your Rehab is this, cover-to-cover.
posted by (F)utility at 8:48 PM on August 24, 2023 [1 favorite]

Years ago I asked a friend ("Jane") about a similar situation--an acquaintance of mine ("L") was (secretly?) dating someone I'd heard some bad things about. This was in queer community and I knew that my friend Jane, who is a therapist, also knew someone who had dated this person I'd heard bad things about (there had been a messy breakup, and that is where the claims about abuse came from.) So I asked her for her thoughts.

Jane shared something I hadn't expected in response: that more than ten years ago she herself had been physically abusive to a partner. She said that it was a bad situation, that she has since then been in therapy continuously, took an anger management class, made many other changes in her life, and considers herself "in active recovery." She also said that sharing that she did that--with a circle of people she trusts and who have good values, and then in that moment with me--helps keep her accountable about not doing that again, about continuing to act in accordance with her values. She also spoke a bit about how abuse can thrive on secrecy and said that she believes community can hold space for people have have been abusive who are working on it while NOT holding space for/allowing abusive behavior.

Ultimately L was just an acquaintance and I ended up needing to step away from L for some other reasons, but the thoughts from Jane felt useful in a broader way.
posted by needs more cowbell at 3:21 AM on August 25, 2023 [2 favorites]

Karamo Brown(from Queer Eye) has talked in several interviews about being physically abusive to former partners, and working on himself to change his behavior. I don't have a specific link but it may be googleable
posted by bearette at 3:21 AM on August 25, 2023 [1 favorite]

Perhaps some videos by Dr. Kirk Honda of the excellent Psychology in Seattle YouTube channel would be of interest! He does many deep dives on reality TV and pop culture, including analyzing relationships that could be considered abusive or at least toxic.
posted by smorgasbord at 3:34 AM on August 25, 2023

It's not stories, but Lundy Bancroft, an expert in domestic violence who specializes in working with abusive men, has an excellent checklist for assessing whether an abuser has really changed. There's also other info on his website that you (or your friend) might find helpful to read, like this detailed guide for men who want to change.
posted by randomnity at 6:07 AM on August 25, 2023 [2 favorites]

Best answer: A Better Man is a fascinating doc made by a woman who goes back to talk with the boyfriend who had abused her 20 years earlier. Though the focus is on the director's attempt to find healing through the conversation, as I remember it, there is a very strong thread around the ex-boyfriend acknowledging the harm he did and finding ways forward, too.
posted by Lexicographer at 10:32 AM on August 25, 2023