Inspire me: Stories of men attracted to butch women

April 17, 2022 9:40 AM

I'm a late-20s bisexual woman who presents pretty butch/androgynous. I put a lot of effort into my appearance, but not in a traditionally feminine way -- I have a short men's haircut, wear minimal makeup (usually only foundation), and tend towards bold, androgynous clothing. Maybe a bit along the lines of Tilda Swinton, to give a celebrity example. I'm looking for stories of men attracted to women like me, to help build up my confidence in dating men.

In the past, I've mostly dated women, which has worked out great -- I've learned from experience that many queer women are really attracted to the way I present, so my confidence in that arena is pretty high. But for the past year or so, I've been more attracted to men, and I'm finding it pretty difficult to approach the dating scene with confidence. There are SO few cultural examples of men showing attraction to butch women that I find it really hard to believe any man could genuinely find me hot. My brain tells me those men must be out there, but my heart isn't convinced yet. I always find myself thinking that men might like me in spite of my butchness rather than because of it.

I'm looking for any media, fiction or nonfiction, depicting men being attracted to butch/androgynous women. The more enthusiastic, the better! I'm especially looking for dialogue of men expressing why they're attracted to butch women or specific qualities they find hot. It's also fine if the butch partner in question is nonbinary (I'm fairly genderqueer) but it's important to me that the other partner be on the masculine side of the spectrum. Queer men are fine, maybe even preferable -- I tend to be really attracted to queer and bisexual men (which perhaps is a clue about my gender identity to be explored further, but that's another whole can of worms). Personal stories are great too, if you yourself happen to be a man attracted to butch women.

I'd like to start building up a sexier narrative in my head so that I can approach men with more confidence. Inspire me!

posted by mekily to Media & Arts (13 answers total)

Tomboyland: Essays by Melissa Faliveno is by someone you might relate to (it is not from the perspective of the men you're interested in dating, it's from the perspective of the person more like you, but Melissa does have a long-term male partner and talks about their relationship a fair amount.)
posted by needs more cowbell at 9:47 AM on April 17, 2022

Here is a non-fiction, straight-from-my-actual-life story: My best friend (AFAB) used to dress in kind of a femme-hippy sorta way and mostly dated cis-dudes who were super into that. But over time, she realized that it didn't feel right to her and she now dresses like a cute-lumberjack-human. Short hair, loose jeans, flannel shirts, etc. Her longtime partner is a super masculine, super bro-ish (in a nice way!) guy (Also AFAB) and the two of them are as happy as two sweet little clams. (Not that I'm biased in anyway.) Wishing you luck and love and all the good things. You sound like a rad person.
posted by jeszac at 10:48 AM on April 17, 2022

Oh. One more thing: Also friend's partner is SO FREAKING INTO HER. And this is over more than a decade now. He clearly loves how she looks and carries herself. I often notice him looking at her and smiling, wherever she is in the room. They also have a kick ass sex life-- although, appropriately, I don't know much beyond that. Her butchness is clearly not something he is overlooking, it's part of the package and the appeal.
posted by jeszac at 10:53 AM on April 17, 2022

many, many hetero men really aren’t that into feminine stereotypes in my extensive experience as a non-femme straight woman. in fact it’s almost a cliche (problematic on its own) to say “you’re not like the other girls, you’re low maintenance.” A more positive spin is that a lot of hetero guys are just really attracted to women who are comfortable with themselves.
posted by haptic_avenger at 11:29 AM on April 17, 2022 [7 favorites]

I bet there’s porn featuring this dynamic, but I would advise caution when you search as I imagine what you stumble across may feel degrading/objectifying rather than empowering and hot, and you want the latter. Kind of like how being attracted to anyone over a size 8 is depicted in porn—and mainstream media—as a niche dirty fetish (but irl that’s most Americans, so??)
posted by kapers at 11:32 AM on April 17, 2022

When you say that you find yourself "thinking that men might like me in spite of my butchness rather than because of it", you are missing another option, which is that your butchness is much less of a deciding factor than your personality.

Men are more aroused by visual stimuli than women but that is a generalisation about biology, not a determinant of how every man looks at every person they see. As a straight cis guy there are certain physical preferences I have, but of the things you mentioned - hair length, make up, clothing - only your make up preference would be a factor for me, and I'm not a fan of the caked on barbie look so +1 for you wearing minimal makeup!

It's true that younger men often look for "traditional" beauty norms because it's human nature to follow the herd, but as we got older this holds true less and less. My straight male friends are married/partnered with a wide array of different women only a few of who match the "femme" heels and skirts and lipstick look that might be considered "traditionally" attractive. FWIW, I'm in my mid-fourties.

Getting on with a woman, liking her personality, clicking with her, is a much bigger factor than the length of her hair or her clothing preference. The sexiest thing in the world is confidence, so if you can channel your dating confidence when it comes to dating women into dating men, you'll be golden no matter what your style is.
posted by underclocked at 11:53 AM on April 17, 2022 [1 favorite]

Several years back, there was a somewhat similar AskMe.

I'll just link to my reply in that thread. FWIW, I wouldn't say I was especially attracted to butch women., so much as being less impressed with more extreme femme appearances and behaviors. Sorry I can't be more specific.
posted by 2N2222 at 1:01 PM on April 17, 2022

Hi! I have short hair, wear makeup maybe a few times a year, and live in wide-legged pants and crew neck sweaters. Am bi, but have always had long-term relationships with men. There are definitely men who do the “you’re so brave for cutting your hair short!” schtick - bleh. There are plenty gents, from the most masc to the softest bois, who love ladies like us. Nthing advice above to enjoy your confidence more than anything else - more men have been charmed by my foul-mouthed bare-faced I-will-wink-back-at-you self than by the me who occasionally wears dresses, blush, and mascara (who I guess is also foul-mouthed). Femme présentation is great, too! But strutting through a room in your Alexander Wang looking like Trinity, or surveying the room with a saucy gamine grin à la Coco Chanel are hot as hell.
posted by rrrrrrrrrt at 1:23 PM on April 17, 2022 [1 favorite]

I'm not butch, but definitely incorporate about 0-5% feminine performativity into my everyday look. (Lately: sleek black men's slacks, black t-shirts with a gender-neutral cut, Blundstone boots, hair shaved on the sides, and a black hoodie or jacket — all of which I'm now realizing were explicitly marketed as men's clothing when I bought them, though they look and fit me really nicely. Sometimes I'll wear dangly earrings, which are feminine insofar as that men don't typically wear earrings, but they aren't of feminine motifs if that makes sense. Oh, if I'm not tending to it I also grow a little bit of a beard, which I think is pretty cute though my partner under duress once admitted that "it wasn't something [he was] most attracted to [me] because of.")

My cis/het partner thinks I'm cute as hell. I think he'd enjoy if I were more femme, too, but in the sense that he finds both attractive. It's been a while since I've actively dated, but I've never found this look to be discouraging to potential partners. I'm also friendly, chat with strangers on the regular, and back when I went on dates I wasn't especially shy about asking people out myself. It's possible that if you happen to be interested in a masculine "type" who are usually more attracted to traditional femininity, you'll find yourself at a disadvantage, but in my life experience the kind of men who found me cute were often the kind of men I was interested in getting to know, too.
posted by knucklebones at 2:05 PM on April 17, 2022

Didn't Patti Smith and Robert Mapplethorpe have that kind of relationship? What we now might think of as genderqueer...

You might also like Celine Loup's erotic comics, which are all about finding the male desirable (without worrying about the gender presentation of the female lover).
posted by kingdead at 2:06 PM on April 17, 2022 [2 favorites]

I'm queer and over the past ten years went from femme standard to butch. My ex wasn't a fan - was still attracted to me but wasn't keen on my very boring butchwear (think more "uncle at Xmas" than dapper or bro or sporty). Now though? I have a partner who is deeply into it. He is a bisexual cis man, bear-type, with long hair. He is vocally appreciative of even my slack butch look (men's shorts, random shirt), or slightly more upmarket (I turned up in a men's button up and slacks and he was highly impressed), and even the momentary femme days he likes it but not with the same joy. He also calls me handsome sometimes and it's damn affirming.

I'm poly so there are also two other men I know who are also deeply into me as a butch woman. It's very rare I think, more common with bi or queer men, but not as rare as media suggests. I get more female attention but there are men who not only appreciate me being able to share my wardrobe and get dressed and out the door in under ten minutes, but also genuinely enjoy that I am butch in both appearance and mindset.
posted by geek anachronism at 1:25 AM on April 18, 2022 [1 favorite]

So once upon a time when I was homeless... We were all sitting around in the park when the police rolled up like they are wont to do. It's Officer S, one of the cool ones. He tells this girl that her squat has been busted and asks if she wants to go grab some stuff. I come along because she's really cute, we pile into the back of the police car and head to the squat. Officer S then asks where we want to go, Top Camp and he drops us off. It's late and we're both a bit of the solitary type but we crash for the night in her sleeping bag. We partner up, two is easier than being alone. A couple of month later and we're actually working for a mobile car wash place and sleeping in the work van as sorta free security. We're back in the park one weekend and being all domestic and such. Some wise-ass remarks that I must be getting something good because she has me wrapped around her little finger. I turn and say "Dude, she's a lesbian".... she turn and looks at me with that "what the actual fuck" look. So I had to explain... when she first came into town with her brother it was a mystery new people sort of thing, when the whole homeless know homeless thing happened (in the park natch), yeah brother and sister escaping bad life situation. Then that same wise-ass immediately hit on her and she had said "I'm not into guys" and a lightbulb had gone off in my head that was a mix of darn, lesbian and yay lesbian. I've been a dyke tyke, at least a few stories there.... And well yeah, that night was "van be rocking don't come knocking".

The moral of this story is that maybe the type of guy that is totally attracted to the tomboy/butch/punk presentation just might not know that you're at least bi and doesn't make the first move... mistaken identities?

men might like me in spite of my butchness rather than because of it could be easily reversed into "might like be in spite of my femme rather that because of it.

Anyways, true story. I for one am totally attracted to the butch end of the spectrum, and this one particular drag queen and the boy from the art store.

Sorry, but it's true story.
posted by zengargoyle at 4:58 AM on April 18, 2022 [1 favorite]

I can say that since I got a stereotypically lesbian haircut, I get less attention from men in general, but the men who no longer notice me are for the most part the sorts of men who think of women as some general concept rather than as individual people. It is admittedly harder to pick up men on Tinder, but the people I actually meet are less likely to be disappointing, and a lot of them are enormously turned on by me.

(I always dressed pretty androgynously and never worked makeup or shaved body hair, but I had long wavy hair which a majority of men found sexy.)
posted by metasarah at 9:09 AM on April 18, 2022 [1 favorite]