How has Ask Metafilter affected your life?

August 23, 2023 8:37 AM

#metafilterfundraiser2023. What is the most important/helpful/life-changing/memorable thing you learned from Ask Metafilter? It could be something from your own question or from someone else's.
posted by DrGail to Grab Bag (42 answers total)

I first encountered the concept of “emotional labor” here. Once I understood it, I stopped taking other people’s woes on as if they were my own. Normally I detest sociological/social work-y fake phraseology, but this one has had a big impact, and has freed my brain and heart up. (Yes, I have one.)
posted by BostonTerrier at 8:45 AM on August 23, 2023 [33 favorites]

I was influenced by grumblebee who posted inspirationally about pursuing creative arts while paying the bills with some kind of technical work. I still keep that idea in mind.
posted by johngoren at 8:51 AM on August 23, 2023 [1 favorite]

Well - I have never had any occasion to use this information yet, but I remember reading this from my original account 'back-in-the-day'. It's one of the most hilarious and informative things I have ever read.
posted by rozcakj at 9:01 AM on August 23, 2023 [4 favorites]

I no longer eat anything that isn't in the freezer or on fire.
posted by GenjiandProust at 9:45 AM on August 23, 2023 [14 favorites]

For 5.5 years I asked a string questions about my best friend's cancer diagnosis. They started off with things like "how do you objectively find the best doctor" and "how do you talk to your kid about someone being very sick" and ended with "how do you talk to your teen about death" and "how do you write an obit" and a MetaTalk post saying "she died." There's no question that the help I received for each of these questions was monumentally important in my life. They provided me the information I desperately needed, at times when I was completely unable to find it myself. I'll never not be grateful for all of that.
posted by BlahLaLa at 9:47 AM on August 23, 2023 [36 favorites]

It's has helped me realize just how many people in this world give terrible advice or completely incorrect answers to questions with absolute certainty that they are 100% right.
posted by NotMyselfRightNow at 9:54 AM on August 23, 2023 [32 favorites]

Metafilter convinced me to replace my shower head. I thought the low water pressure was from the pipes but everyone said it was a shower head problem. I didn’t believe and argued but you guys were right. I had been showering under a trickle for years.
posted by dianeF at 10:30 AM on August 23, 2023 [4 favorites]

Understanding the difference between Ask Culture vs. Guess Culture has been very helpful to me as someone who grew up in a family deeply entrenched in Guess Culture. It has helped me navigate my family relationships as an adult, as well as my marriage and friendships.
posted by shesbookish at 10:38 AM on August 23, 2023 [36 favorites]

I'll never think of a nine volt battery or salmon lasagna quite the same way again.
posted by bondcliff at 10:49 AM on August 23, 2023 [7 favorites]

Things that MeFi reinforces continually for me:

Nuking questionable food will not destroy all the bad stuff.

HR doesn’t work for you, they work for the company.

Cash is almost always the best gift.
posted by oxisos at 10:50 AM on August 23, 2023 [13 favorites]

As @shesbookish said, Ask v. Guess culture was huge for me and helped me understand a lot of the disconnects between myself (someone who wanted to live in Ask culture) and my family (who were firmly Guess culture and had raised me that way).

The emotional labor thread was not eye-opening for me -- I knew about the phenomenon, both academically and personally. But the volume of stories and heartache really touched me, and something about it led me to think about my own situation seriously. It led me down a line of thinking that in combination with other factors ended with me leaving my husband and initiating a divorce. It changed my life so much for the better.

And finally, some of my favorite recipes are from Ask threads!
posted by OrangeDisk at 10:51 AM on August 23, 2023 [9 favorites]

That there are extremely strong social pressures to keep the status quo, even when that status quo is very harmful.
posted by aniola at 11:12 AM on August 23, 2023 [3 favorites]

Ask vs Guess, of course, and similar things about human interaction. The way people see and interpret things. Things like the fact that some people would hear “Would you mind closing the window?” as an order they couldn't say no to, as opposed to the beginning of a negotiation “Yes I would, I’m already too hot with it open, but I have a sweater you can borrow.”
posted by wheatlets at 11:25 AM on August 23, 2023 [3 favorites]

I have finished every shower with cold water for the last 15 or so years since I read about doing that here. Can’t remember if it was a post, a question, or an answer/comment.
posted by outfielder at 11:28 AM on August 23, 2023 [3 favorites]

So so so many things, from daily activities to philosophies:

I have a dedicated salad spinner for bra-washing. Truly brilliant.

I was able to watch and enjoy a scary TV show that I really wanted to watch and, amazingly, move past some fears.

"That's not an X problem, that's a partner problem."

I try to flag and move on in many aspects of life.
posted by bluedaisy at 12:01 PM on August 23, 2023 [1 favorite]

Oh, and really this: it's possible for an internet site to be well-moderated. I don't know if this sounds like I'm sucking up (though I'm not sure what I would possibly gain from that?), but it's the best model I know for moderation.
posted by bluedaisy at 12:02 PM on August 23, 2023 [31 favorites]

Being able to ask and answer questions in a friendly space. Also as I work alone, and sometime live places with very few people I can go a long time without meeting anyone and metafilter is very good to keep connection.

Learning to ask questions when the answerers knew nothing of my context - at least half my questions never get posted as I answer while thinking deeply and analysing the problem.

I have a whole swag of scripts on my machine - in flabdabletSystem - from flabdablet including text munging, making digital contact image sheets and markup of images - tools I use weekly. And when I had an open email a non-member linguist from NY answered

mummimor has been very helpful on land and community development.

and helping make sense of my travels with with lobsterMitten finding a person with the help of many others.
posted by unearthed at 12:24 PM on August 23, 2023 [1 favorite]

Oh my gosh, so many things both practical and psychological. What comes to mind:

1. Reward the behavior you want to see. This concept changed how I view interactions with my children, husband, and even the students I teach. When people are trying to do the right thing, you can't say it's too little, too late. You have to encourage it. Many of us were raised in reactionary households where we could never live down past failures, so our knee-jerk reaction is to treat others this way when we have the power. That just breeds resentment.

2. Dump out, comfort in. Currently using this one to help my stepmom deal with my Dad's health crisis.

3. Emotional labor. I am not alone in performing the bulk of it in my relationship.

4. Ask Culture vs. Guess Culture. I have become less pissed off at the audacity of students asking for free grade bumps, bespoke extra credit assignments, etc. They are Ask Culture and they are prepared to hear "no," whereas I, Guess Culture Extraordinaire, previously believed that every request had been carefully vetted as reasonable, because that is what I would do.
posted by Knowyournuts at 12:39 PM on August 23, 2023 [17 favorites]

Oh, and recently someone here recommended Baggage Reclaim Sessions, which I binged. It has been life-altering.
posted by Knowyournuts at 12:42 PM on August 23, 2023 [1 favorite]

I've been asking questions here for almost 20 years. On reflection, I think askme helped me feel I had a crew of smart people backing me up, I wasn't alone in figuring things out from the silly to the sticky. It is a community.
posted by latkes at 1:16 PM on August 23, 2023 [17 favorites]

i attended and hosted some meetups when i lived in philly. met several friends that way, which was great. sadly, no meetups where i am now.
posted by misanthropicsarah at 1:20 PM on August 23, 2023

I have a dedicated salad spinner for bra-washing.

You what now?!
posted by HotToddy at 1:28 PM on August 23, 2023 [6 favorites]

My view of the strength of the community changed when I have seen people ask for advice and get offers of help in return - your relative can stay with me, memail me and I'll send you the money you need, tell me your location and I'll find the thing you're looking for, etc.
posted by Emmy Rae at 1:56 PM on August 23, 2023 [2 favorites]

I have a dedicated salad spinner for bra-washing.

You what now?!

Can't find the exact early post, but I am pretty sure I learned this genius tip here. You can soak your bras in it with a bit of laundry soap and then spin to clean, then rinse, then spin to dry a bit.
posted by bluedaisy at 1:56 PM on August 23, 2023 [3 favorites]

Ask vs. Guess informs a lot of my sizing up of new people I meet.

The most popular answer isn't necessarily the correct one.

I'm a lot less weird than I thought.
posted by Twicketface at 2:09 PM on August 23, 2023 [4 favorites]

My dad died a little less than eleven years ago, and ask really showed up for me. I teared up re-reading this just now - today, not because of the loss, but because of the love and compassion that I was so lucky to receive from so many generous strangers. I am so grateful.
posted by quadrilaterals at 2:20 PM on August 23, 2023 [9 favorites]

Ask Metafilter was the reason I was finally able to go no contact (or in one case, extremely low contact) with my abusive family, which is probably the single most important thing I did for my mental health. This wasn't in response to any question I posted, but just from reading many, many human relations questions over the years.
posted by litera scripta manet at 3:23 PM on August 23, 2023 [10 favorites]

My shoelaces have never come untied again after reading an answer to someone else's question. This was not the site linked to (which had better instructions) but this explains it.
posted by Athanassiel at 3:27 PM on August 23, 2023

I made a post while I was freaking out after having been diagnosed with M.S. I really can't emphasize enough how much the advice and reassurance I received both in the thread and through MeMail helped me. I could go on and get really emotional, but I'll just say that Metafilter will always have a special place in my heart because of the help you all gave me.
posted by thebots at 4:36 PM on August 23, 2023 [10 favorites]

I had the nicest outdoor memorial picnic for my late husband as the result of the kind advice I got in an Ask. And I love when I happen to have a good answer handy for someone else's question.
posted by Peach at 5:49 PM on August 23, 2023 [11 favorites]

Technical: I asked a couple questions and the answers enabled my development of an arithmetic teaching tool my spouse has integrated into her abacus classes and now couldn't live without. (1, 2)
posted by Rash at 6:38 PM on August 23, 2023

Also, processing breakfast cereal in a colander.
posted by Rash at 6:46 PM on August 23, 2023

I have social anxiety and when I first found Metafilter as a young adult, I obsessively read all of the human relations questions. It really helped me to "try out" different situations and perspectives from a safe distance and to read responses from kind and socially conscious people. It literally helped form my ideals and made me more aware of my privileges and obligation to look out for others.
posted by Eyelash at 6:49 PM on August 23, 2023 [15 favorites]

Pretty sure I learned the value of moderators.
posted by aetg at 7:32 PM on August 23, 2023 [3 favorites]

No matter how carefully and comprehensively I think I have framed a question, multiple people will assume things that are factually incorrect and give me advice that makes them feel good but is irrelevant to me.
posted by lapis at 8:31 PM on August 23, 2023 [10 favorites]

How to dispose of a body.

That’s all I’m gonna say about that.
posted by pearlybob at 3:15 AM on August 24, 2023 [3 favorites]

I was introduced to the concept of ambiguous loss when I was going through the roughest experience of my life. It was, in hindsight, one of the ingredients in a personal revolution that's had me dive into psychology, mindfulness, meditation, and all manner of other things I used to kind of mindlessly mock or roll my eyes at.

This was just a little over four years ago. It's wild reading this again now. It seems a lifetime ago. Maybe two lifetimes ago. So much change represented in that question and the responses there.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 6:40 AM on August 24, 2023 [7 favorites]

There are so, so many ways MetaFilter has enriched my life. Ideas that I learned here but honestly can't remember now to leave an example; books suggested that I loved; I learned that some people will make snap judgements on you for a simple question while they don't even read the whole question through. Others will go out of their way to help.

I've found clothing I never would have known about; found the perfect carryon for travel. I've found friends here I never would have met otherwise. My heart has broken for some who suffered or those we lost on here.

Right now, my most favorite tip that has affected my life was a post on online dating for middle aged people. Someone suggested Bumble. I signed up, and within a month I met the man I've been with for three years now. Whoever you were, THANK YOU!
posted by annieb at 3:55 PM on August 24, 2023 [4 favorites]

I was introduced to the concept of ambiguous loss
Oh, gosh, I remember that thread and what a tough situation you were in and that comment I made. Thank you so much for sharing what you did here.
posted by bluedaisy at 6:22 PM on August 24, 2023 [2 favorites]

AskMefi has been my go-to online procrastination destination for well over 20 years or more. It's one of my few "healthy" online habits. I think over the years it has greatly increased my empathy for other human beings, and my understanding of the different circumstances that other people go through, and the different perspectives people have. (Ask vs Guess, for example.) I like to think it has educated me subtly in how to deal with these things, whether they have happened to me, or not (yet). It has certainly helped me count my blessings.

When dealing with a difficult situation or question, I often find myself writing an AskMefi post in my head. Occasionally even drafting one. This helps me think through the matter, and often answer it without actually posting it – for example, I can often guess what people would say. (Sometimes of the AITA variety.)

AskMefi is also one of my last connections to the early internet – the open, simple, optimistic era of the internet. I don't want it to disappear or change, which is why I have been a supporter since paid memberships were introduced.
posted by snarfois at 8:18 AM on August 25, 2023 [6 favorites]

I stumbled across metafilter back in the day - I'm pretty sure I clicked through to it from a link on livejournal. For context at the time I was an extremely awkward 20 year old with dismal social skills and a lot of compensatory/defensive attitudes. I had few friends in high school; I started university and had few friends there as well. I'd never had a relationship - which lol, 20 sounds so young to me now, but that's hindsight for you. Anyway, I eventually got onto ask metafilter and found a string of questions from people struggling socially, who had trouble dating, who wanted to get over being shy etc etc. Of course there was some terrible advice - it was 2006, things were Different. But there was also a lot of really reasonable and practical advice from people who had been there themselves - stuff like practicing small talk, say hi to people when you see them, try out a hobby or two that would get you out the house, that sort of order of advice. Reading those questions made me feel it was possible to improve my situation and be less lonely and miserable, and actually work on my social skills and get to a better place. People were mostly pretty nice in the answers and didn't shame people who felt like they'd missed a step. With hindsight I am so, so grateful that at this weirdly vulnerable point in my life this is the advice I got. I didn't have anyone I felt comfortable talking to about this irl and I could have ended up in a much weirder place online. I wasn't active on metafilter back then, but I can still remember some of the questions I read. Thanks guys.
posted by sequel at 1:46 PM on August 28, 2023 [1 favorite]

How to negotiate a great price for a car!
posted by sickinthehead at 3:11 PM on August 29, 2023