Preparing children for a move
August 3, 2023 7:47 AM Subscribe
We are looking to move in the coming year, and our kids (under 10) are not thrilled about it. Have you done this as either a child or parent? If so, how can we make this a more positive experience?
We would move to a larger house in our same town. Most likely not the same neighborhood, but not really far either. Benefits of move as it relates to the kids: they each would get their own room, there would be more than one bathroom, they could have space for their projects/crafts etc.
Is there a way to make this a positive experience for them?
We would move to a larger house in our same town. Most likely not the same neighborhood, but not really far either. Benefits of move as it relates to the kids: they each would get their own room, there would be more than one bathroom, they could have space for their projects/crafts etc.
Is there a way to make this a positive experience for them?
You say they are not thrilled, but do you know their specific issues? Addressing their specific concerns can alleviate some of the negatives for them.
posted by Julnyes at 8:04 AM on August 3, 2023 [18 favorites]
posted by Julnyes at 8:04 AM on August 3, 2023 [18 favorites]
Good grief, from your title and summary I thought you were going to move to a different country. Haha.
I hope that you are going to respond to your children's complaints in a tonally appropriate way: i.e. not taking it too seriously except as something completely normal you need to help them through. I would suggest that you treat it the same as if your children don't like having to go to the next grade at school leaving their old teacher behind. Understand that their feelings are just feelings, allow them to have these feelings as opposed to expecting them to feel cheerful and happy, but do what you can to help them feel better (e.g. reassure them that is not a permanent loss but in fact just change - something that is a normal, inevitable, and potentially exciting part of growing up). And I second the suggestion to get them involved in decorating decisions!
I also think you need to wait until you've bought the house to open this type of discussion with your kids. It's far too early now! Kids that age don't have the capacity to envision hypotheticals. Leave them be until there's something concrete for them to deal with.
posted by MiraK at 8:33 AM on August 3, 2023 [22 favorites]
I hope that you are going to respond to your children's complaints in a tonally appropriate way: i.e. not taking it too seriously except as something completely normal you need to help them through. I would suggest that you treat it the same as if your children don't like having to go to the next grade at school leaving their old teacher behind. Understand that their feelings are just feelings, allow them to have these feelings as opposed to expecting them to feel cheerful and happy, but do what you can to help them feel better (e.g. reassure them that is not a permanent loss but in fact just change - something that is a normal, inevitable, and potentially exciting part of growing up). And I second the suggestion to get them involved in decorating decisions!
I also think you need to wait until you've bought the house to open this type of discussion with your kids. It's far too early now! Kids that age don't have the capacity to envision hypotheticals. Leave them be until there's something concrete for them to deal with.
posted by MiraK at 8:33 AM on August 3, 2023 [22 favorites]
If it's possible, one thing that helped me when my parents first moved us was letting me walk around the empty new house before move in, and imagine how i would take advantage of the fact that i no longer had to sleep in the same room as my brother. i think it gave me a chance to get comfortable with the idea of a completely new space instead of afraid of a change that was totally new and unknown. (at that time, we did not have zillow but i think being there in person is still better than seeing the real estate photos)
posted by dis_integration at 8:47 AM on August 3, 2023 [3 favorites]
posted by dis_integration at 8:47 AM on August 3, 2023 [3 favorites]
Obviously it is good that you want to support them and make them happy, but. Consider that actually this doesn't have to ever be exciting or positive for them? Kids won't be happy about everything you do, that's life, it's okay. Some kids hate change, any change, and will take a long time to adjust, and that's fine. Support them in their adjustment but don't try to make an unhappy kid happy.
You mention the benefits for them of this move but frankly if I were a kid I wouldn't give a shit about room for crafts and might honestly not care about having my own room either. Those are pretty abstract for kids to theorize about. Figure out what they're really upset about and go from there.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 8:47 AM on August 3, 2023 [17 favorites]
You mention the benefits for them of this move but frankly if I were a kid I wouldn't give a shit about room for crafts and might honestly not care about having my own room either. Those are pretty abstract for kids to theorize about. Figure out what they're really upset about and go from there.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 8:47 AM on August 3, 2023 [17 favorites]
Are they changing schools? That matters a lot to kids and could be a reason they don't want to move. If they have any difficulties in school they may be assuming that adjusting to a new school will result in far worse outcome, and they may also be right.
Are they losing their familiar outdoor territory? E.g. The corner store, the ditch behind the grocery store dumpsters, the shortcut space between two fences, the tree where the dead squirrel was found that became their shrine, Mrs. Wallunda's feral cat feeding station and the older boy on the corner who warns them when the dog on the next block is loose again? The space where we first do some free-range exploring can be a place that we imprint, and the panorama of a single block have deep importance.
Are they going to lose easy access to their social group? Only seeing grandmother on weekends now, or not having their best bud to walk to school with can feel world shattering.
Do they see the move as punitive? "If you two can't get along....!" or "If you two can't keep your rooms clean...!" Sometimes kids who squabble a lot do so because they have boundary issues between them. An example of this is if the older one is anxious and needs to control the younger one to manage their anxiety and the younger one is resisting. But for all their squabbles they may be tightly bonded, and the younger one know that the older one can't sleep without them in them being very close by... You'll be chagrined if the move is for the purpose of getting a second bedroom and breaking up the squabbles, and you find out that the squabbles get worse, they can now never figure out which of the two rooms a missing object might be in, and yet you always find them asleep together in the same bed when you go to wake them up in the morning.
Things you can do to make the move less scary to them is take them house hunting and let them also explore the prospective new houses. When you know what neighbourhood you will be moving to, take them to it and show them what the new route to school, and the various errands and outings will be in the car, and take them there and allow them to explore on foot, with you trailing after, but not directing what direction they go in.
However you do have to watch out for them falling in love with a place that you don't buy, so make sure to impress on them that any street you explore is just for fun, and any house you wander through is, "not likely but we are thinking about this one."
If you know for sure that they will be changing schools and what school they will be going to, it is very worth taking them to the school and allowing them to wander around the outside of it or even taking a tour inside if you set it up with the school.
If you are moving them from a neighbourhood that has deficiencies for them compared to the one they live in now, you will help a lot if you compensate for it. For example if you are moving from a greener neighbourhood to one that is more full of concrete, you may need to get an air conditioner to help them adjust to the increase in heat, or take up a routine of taking them out to a decent green space three times a week. Similarly if their new routine involves a longer commute so they can still attend a new school, they may need more than the age expected support to deal with it. Waiting for the bus with them may make it work out, but not if you are looking at the time on your phone and showing signs of anxiety about being late for work.
Expect regression. Hoping they will adjust to getting up forty five minutes earlier, will start waking up on their own with their own nice new alarm clocks that you gave them, and then expect that they will handle taking a bus when they used to just walk two blocks, is handing them a lot to deal with and each of those three changes will probably be one they regard as negative. If they are also expected to deal with a new teacher and trying to fit into a new set of classmates, you are going to have some very stressed kids and things could quickly go bad. Plan on them functioning at a level expected of kids a couple of years younger than they are. Don't expect them to over function and to be at their most mature, or try to get them to over perform. It is likely that challenging them to get the highest marks in their new classroom will backfire. If someone is of an age to revert to bed wetting they likely will. Get those plastic mattress covers on the beds when you assemble them at the new house.
A lot of kids look back and see a move as being the beginning of the bad phase in their life. It's good that you are looking at their concerns and are taking them seriously. Listen to them and spend extra time with them. If they are not going to be able to make new friends at their new school, there is probably not a lot you can do about it, but you can at least make sure they feel secure and safe and loved and accepted when they are at home.
posted by Jane the Brown at 8:56 AM on August 3, 2023 [9 favorites]
Are they losing their familiar outdoor territory? E.g. The corner store, the ditch behind the grocery store dumpsters, the shortcut space between two fences, the tree where the dead squirrel was found that became their shrine, Mrs. Wallunda's feral cat feeding station and the older boy on the corner who warns them when the dog on the next block is loose again? The space where we first do some free-range exploring can be a place that we imprint, and the panorama of a single block have deep importance.
Are they going to lose easy access to their social group? Only seeing grandmother on weekends now, or not having their best bud to walk to school with can feel world shattering.
Do they see the move as punitive? "If you two can't get along....!" or "If you two can't keep your rooms clean...!" Sometimes kids who squabble a lot do so because they have boundary issues between them. An example of this is if the older one is anxious and needs to control the younger one to manage their anxiety and the younger one is resisting. But for all their squabbles they may be tightly bonded, and the younger one know that the older one can't sleep without them in them being very close by... You'll be chagrined if the move is for the purpose of getting a second bedroom and breaking up the squabbles, and you find out that the squabbles get worse, they can now never figure out which of the two rooms a missing object might be in, and yet you always find them asleep together in the same bed when you go to wake them up in the morning.
Things you can do to make the move less scary to them is take them house hunting and let them also explore the prospective new houses. When you know what neighbourhood you will be moving to, take them to it and show them what the new route to school, and the various errands and outings will be in the car, and take them there and allow them to explore on foot, with you trailing after, but not directing what direction they go in.
However you do have to watch out for them falling in love with a place that you don't buy, so make sure to impress on them that any street you explore is just for fun, and any house you wander through is, "not likely but we are thinking about this one."
If you know for sure that they will be changing schools and what school they will be going to, it is very worth taking them to the school and allowing them to wander around the outside of it or even taking a tour inside if you set it up with the school.
If you are moving them from a neighbourhood that has deficiencies for them compared to the one they live in now, you will help a lot if you compensate for it. For example if you are moving from a greener neighbourhood to one that is more full of concrete, you may need to get an air conditioner to help them adjust to the increase in heat, or take up a routine of taking them out to a decent green space three times a week. Similarly if their new routine involves a longer commute so they can still attend a new school, they may need more than the age expected support to deal with it. Waiting for the bus with them may make it work out, but not if you are looking at the time on your phone and showing signs of anxiety about being late for work.
Expect regression. Hoping they will adjust to getting up forty five minutes earlier, will start waking up on their own with their own nice new alarm clocks that you gave them, and then expect that they will handle taking a bus when they used to just walk two blocks, is handing them a lot to deal with and each of those three changes will probably be one they regard as negative. If they are also expected to deal with a new teacher and trying to fit into a new set of classmates, you are going to have some very stressed kids and things could quickly go bad. Plan on them functioning at a level expected of kids a couple of years younger than they are. Don't expect them to over function and to be at their most mature, or try to get them to over perform. It is likely that challenging them to get the highest marks in their new classroom will backfire. If someone is of an age to revert to bed wetting they likely will. Get those plastic mattress covers on the beds when you assemble them at the new house.
A lot of kids look back and see a move as being the beginning of the bad phase in their life. It's good that you are looking at their concerns and are taking them seriously. Listen to them and spend extra time with them. If they are not going to be able to make new friends at their new school, there is probably not a lot you can do about it, but you can at least make sure they feel secure and safe and loved and accepted when they are at home.
posted by Jane the Brown at 8:56 AM on August 3, 2023 [9 favorites]
Instead of trying to sell them on the move, really listen to their concerns. Talk about the house-hunting experience, outline their involvement. Specify the things you want in a new home, let them say what they'd really love, but clarify that it's a parental decision where they have input but not veto power. The shopping process is likely to sell them. Explain that change is unsettling, but planned good changes are exciting and fun once you get to them. Involve them in taking pictures of the current house and appreciating the life you've had there.
Spend time in the yard at houses you look at. Where would a tree fort go? Where could we camp out?
posted by theora55 at 9:18 AM on August 3, 2023 [3 favorites]
Spend time in the yard at houses you look at. Where would a tree fort go? Where could we camp out?
posted by theora55 at 9:18 AM on August 3, 2023 [3 favorites]
It's worth talking to them in creative, considerate ways to understand what's behind their misgivings. It might be normal kid stuff, and it might be more. I say this as someone who struggled with the thought of moving as a youngster. I was deeply closeted and anxious because of it, and the house where I grew up took on outsized importance as a kind of unassailable fortress of safety and comfort. My dogs and cats were buried there, all of my memories were part of there, and change regarding those things used to give me nightmares of fear and panic.
As a counterpoint, later experiences of having agency in my own ability to make decisions about the terms of how and where I move helped me turn into a globetrotter who has lived thousands upon thousands of miles between addresses for the last 20 years. Maybe there's something to be said for finding small (dare I say insignificant in the big picture) ways your kids can feel some agency in this? Painting their rooms, choosing their bed frame, planting plants in the garden, designing a dream backyard treehouse, etc.?
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 9:22 AM on August 3, 2023 [2 favorites]
As a counterpoint, later experiences of having agency in my own ability to make decisions about the terms of how and where I move helped me turn into a globetrotter who has lived thousands upon thousands of miles between addresses for the last 20 years. Maybe there's something to be said for finding small (dare I say insignificant in the big picture) ways your kids can feel some agency in this? Painting their rooms, choosing their bed frame, planting plants in the garden, designing a dream backyard treehouse, etc.?
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 9:22 AM on August 3, 2023 [2 favorites]
I relocated my kids at age 7/9 and did two things that helped them go from reluctant to enthusiastic:
First we visited the new town on a festival weekend & took lots of pictures, enjoyed a parade, saw everyone out and about, ate at "our new pizza place," looked at a few houses and toured their new school - by the end of the visit they'd both made new friends.
Then we hosted a come-visit-us-in-our-new-town party with a slideshow of their weekend photos on the tv and treats we'd brought back from a shop in the new town; that gave them an opportunity to talk up the move to their friends, plan visits, etc.
A cautionary tale follows, however: I ended up having to relocate us again 5 years later. That's when I joined Metafilter - my first question was about that move. You know how at the end of Stand by Me the grownup Gordie finishes his book with the line "I never had any friends later on like the ones I had when I was 12. Jesus, does anyone?" I've yet to meet anyone who does, and moving away from theirs at that age had a lasting impact. It couldn't be helped in our case, but if at all possible, let your kids finish growing up with the friends they have when they're 12.
posted by headnsouth at 9:41 AM on August 3, 2023 [10 favorites]
First we visited the new town on a festival weekend & took lots of pictures, enjoyed a parade, saw everyone out and about, ate at "our new pizza place," looked at a few houses and toured their new school - by the end of the visit they'd both made new friends.
Then we hosted a come-visit-us-in-our-new-town party with a slideshow of their weekend photos on the tv and treats we'd brought back from a shop in the new town; that gave them an opportunity to talk up the move to their friends, plan visits, etc.
A cautionary tale follows, however: I ended up having to relocate us again 5 years later. That's when I joined Metafilter - my first question was about that move. You know how at the end of Stand by Me the grownup Gordie finishes his book with the line "I never had any friends later on like the ones I had when I was 12. Jesus, does anyone?" I've yet to meet anyone who does, and moving away from theirs at that age had a lasting impact. It couldn't be helped in our case, but if at all possible, let your kids finish growing up with the friends they have when they're 12.
posted by headnsouth at 9:41 AM on August 3, 2023 [10 favorites]
We moved to a bigger house across town when I was six years old. Hadn't started school yet, so wasn't as bad as it could have been, for me; all I can add is it's going to be traumatic no matter what, but from my experience, only for a little while, the kids will get over it quickly, and forget all about the old place.
posted by Rash at 9:57 AM on August 3, 2023
posted by Rash at 9:57 AM on August 3, 2023
My parents bought a brand new house when I was 8 or 9 years old. I remember going to the model house, looking at all the floor plans, looking at all the finishes for the houses. My sister and I might have been polled on our preferences for finishes (they were probably all the same price). We were also offered our choice of paint colour. I believe my room was sky blue.
I remember being neutral on the topic of moving. As a shy, awkward child, I didn’t really have friends I was leaving behind. I took the bus to school and would have done so from either location.
I don’t think moving necessarily has to be traumatic for kids. But not all kids are like me.
posted by shock muppet at 10:03 AM on August 3, 2023
I remember being neutral on the topic of moving. As a shy, awkward child, I didn’t really have friends I was leaving behind. I took the bus to school and would have done so from either location.
I don’t think moving necessarily has to be traumatic for kids. But not all kids are like me.
posted by shock muppet at 10:03 AM on August 3, 2023
We moved our family into an adjacent neighbourhood when the kiddos were 7 and 9. They didn't need to change schools, but they lost the kids that they could easily play with on our former cul-de-sac that was full of young families. And the new neighbourhood skewed really old, without any kids to befriend.
The new house was much better for us (number of rooms, more bathrooms, and better layout), but the youngest was really unhappy. We listened to his concerns earnestly, and we let him be sad. We helped him figure out what about the old house was great, and what about the new house was not for him.
I am happy to report that he is now very happy in our neighbourhood. We never hard sold it to him, but we made a point of having adventures in the neighbourhood: picnics at the park, trips on bikes to the bike park, developing the legend of "Goose Poop Point" (a micro park down the street). He got to have this friends over for their first sleepover (which we couldn't do at the old house). And it turns out that having his own room has allowed him to express his choices and tastes there :-)
But I think it was key that we never tried to convince him to like the house. About 2 years after moving, it came up and he mentioned that he was actually really happy here. He has had more lovely times here than he ever could have imagined at 7 years old, and that has made all the difference. Leaving room for him to be legitimately sad meant that his slowly blooming happiness was also genuinely his.
posted by Sauter Vaguely at 10:09 AM on August 3, 2023 [6 favorites]
The new house was much better for us (number of rooms, more bathrooms, and better layout), but the youngest was really unhappy. We listened to his concerns earnestly, and we let him be sad. We helped him figure out what about the old house was great, and what about the new house was not for him.
I am happy to report that he is now very happy in our neighbourhood. We never hard sold it to him, but we made a point of having adventures in the neighbourhood: picnics at the park, trips on bikes to the bike park, developing the legend of "Goose Poop Point" (a micro park down the street). He got to have this friends over for their first sleepover (which we couldn't do at the old house). And it turns out that having his own room has allowed him to express his choices and tastes there :-)
But I think it was key that we never tried to convince him to like the house. About 2 years after moving, it came up and he mentioned that he was actually really happy here. He has had more lovely times here than he ever could have imagined at 7 years old, and that has made all the difference. Leaving room for him to be legitimately sad meant that his slowly blooming happiness was also genuinely his.
posted by Sauter Vaguely at 10:09 AM on August 3, 2023 [6 favorites]
Do you take your kids along when you view houses for sale? I always enjoyed looking at houses and imagining living there when I was a kid. My mom and I would go to open houses even when we weren't looking to move. But really this question isn't specific regarding why your kids aren't thrilled, so I agree with everyone above about trying to figure out exactly what's bothering them. Anything from the uncertainty of the whole project, to losing friends, changing schools, or specific things they like about your current home could be bothering them and they all require different approaches.
"I never had any friends later on like the ones I had when I was 12. Jesus, does anyone?" I've yet to meet anyone who does, and moving away from theirs at that age had a lasting impact. It couldn't be helped in our case, but if at all possible, let your kids finish growing up with the friends they have when they're 12.
Just as a data point: I stopped going to public school and switched to a private school for 7th grade. Then for tenth I switched back to public school. I couldn't even name more than three of the friends I had when I was twelve, and I literally never saw them again even though we lived in the same house the entire time. I did not care, like, at all. All kids are different.
posted by oneirodynia at 11:26 AM on August 3, 2023 [4 favorites]
"I never had any friends later on like the ones I had when I was 12. Jesus, does anyone?" I've yet to meet anyone who does, and moving away from theirs at that age had a lasting impact. It couldn't be helped in our case, but if at all possible, let your kids finish growing up with the friends they have when they're 12.
Just as a data point: I stopped going to public school and switched to a private school for 7th grade. Then for tenth I switched back to public school. I couldn't even name more than three of the friends I had when I was twelve, and I literally never saw them again even though we lived in the same house the entire time. I did not care, like, at all. All kids are different.
posted by oneirodynia at 11:26 AM on August 3, 2023 [4 favorites]
I lived overseas for a long time, spending years at a time in societies different from my own, and honestly, kids this age changing schools at the same time they move is a lot like what adults have to deal with when they move abroad for work or join the military. That comparison might sound kind of extreme, but to children, school is the central organizing principle of their lives in ways an adult's job almost never is.
When you are working abroad on a visa dependent on you not getting fired and perhaps doing this in a language you don't speak that well and needing to successfully adjust to new food, a new climate and new cultural practices, or when you are serving in the military and trying to stay above water as you immerse yourself in learning things totally absent from civilian life while also retraining yourself to make your bed the One Official Military Way To Make Your Bed, you hold yourself responsible for integrating as quickly as possible so you can be like everyone else.
But while you may believe it is possible for you to perform at the correct standard you see around you immediately, and will certainly be told that you need to "shape up", or "assimilate", or "get with the program", or "learn the way we do things around here", you find you simply...cannot do that, even in areas of life you were fine at before, because it is simply exhausting. You don't understand that exhaustion at first, because it might not make sense to you that a trip to your workplace of the same distance as before, eating similar meals at similar times, or working out the same number of hours a week would lead to this level of tiredness.
You learn that your exhaustion comes from needing to disengage the autopilot that had governed all the little things in your life before. Which drawer are the dish towels in? Where does the maintenance team keep the copier toner? How long does it take for the water to get warm in the shower? Do I need a sweater today? What level of formality and vocal inflection should I use when I say hi to the cashier at the café? Where is the best place to buy lemons near me? You answer all these questions without consciously thinking about them.
Your kids have their own autopilot and can do this now, in an age-appropriate way, at their school. But when they change schools, they will lose this, and will need to expend a lot of energy to regain it.
We tell kids a lot that they can determine how successful they are at things if they try hard enough. And we know that it is important to kids to understand that when they are stuck, they can safely ask for help from peers and adults. But after a move and when starting out at a new school, they've got to use these skills much more than they have done before, and that will involve having to navigate how to (or indeed whether to!) ask for needed help without being bullied or criticized for not knowing something "everyone" knows.
With all that in mind, you'll need to budget both their time and your own time to accommodate the much higher number of new interactions they will have to make and succeed at in during their first year, really, at their new school, and how that higher demand will affect the rest of their lives, and the lives of their peers and family.
The demand is real, even if it doesn't seem like it to many adults (including, sadly, too many educators and school staff). If your children attend school from, say, 8 am to 2 pm, then they are engaged in six very full hours of intense interpersonal social interactions, and the only time they may have to themselves all day might be a trip to the bathroom. Their day could be longer than this, too, if they ride to and from school in a carpool, or see friends on the school bus, or go to after-school care until they get picked up. That's a lot of time to spend with other people in situations where you can't really be with your own thoughts, or just daydream, and doing all of that with new people, in a new place, with new rules, is truly tiring.
That tiredness will show up both emotionally and physically in areas that might surprise both you and them. For example, if they have participated in a youth soccer team in town with practice on Wednesday afternoons and games on Saturday mornings, you may find that they simply do not have the desire or energy to do those Wednesday afternoon practices for a while, even if they love soccer, love their fellow players, have enjoyed it up to now, no one from their school now ever participated and a few kids from their new school are on their team.
How does school play into this? You might notice them whining about unfairness on the field more (because they don't have the emotional bandwidth to self-soothe after school anymore), or complaining about their passing technique (which really isn't as adept as it used to be because they are getting less rest because they are worried about school), or mentioning that they're worried the coaches will be mean (because they aren't sure which adults around them are nice anymore because so many new adults are in their life at school) or that their fellow players are all better than them now (because none of them moved and changed schools and so they aren't as tired). So while all of these might seem on the surface like soccer-related problems, they could really be responses to very long and draining days at school.
Whatever happens, I think it's worth letting them know that you are absolutely aware that their days really are more busy and tiring than they've been before even if your kids are just being their normal selves and even if their school is lovely and they are making a lot of friends and love their teachers and everyone is welcoming and nice. They need to understand that it is normal and expected for people to feel mentally tired even if they didn't run around all day or forget to drink enough water, and that doing new things, even things that feel fun and positive in the moment, really can make you tired later on.
A final tip: I've had some success using the fascination kids in elementary school often have with science, nature, animals and the human body to help them understand why people react differently to things, and why I as an adult don't feel things the same way they do. If they tell you they have "zero energy" to go to soccer practice next week, how would they react to hearing a message like "You know, you've talked about being tired a lot lately! I was wondering if you knew that kids and adults think and feel differently because our bodies and brains are different ages. That's why adults can drive cars, have jobs and travel by themselves: we just have a lot more experience doing tiring and stressful things than kids do."? I find that conversations like this work best when you follow up with something actionable, like "What are some things you think we could do after I get home from work and you get home from school that we aren't doing now to help us feel rested and be ready for the next day?", because it shows them that you are invested in your mutual success, that they have a role to play in the family, and that their ideas to solve problems are worth hearing and perhaps experimenting with (and matter to you).
Good luck!
posted by mdonley at 12:10 PM on August 3, 2023 [7 favorites]
When you are working abroad on a visa dependent on you not getting fired and perhaps doing this in a language you don't speak that well and needing to successfully adjust to new food, a new climate and new cultural practices, or when you are serving in the military and trying to stay above water as you immerse yourself in learning things totally absent from civilian life while also retraining yourself to make your bed the One Official Military Way To Make Your Bed, you hold yourself responsible for integrating as quickly as possible so you can be like everyone else.
But while you may believe it is possible for you to perform at the correct standard you see around you immediately, and will certainly be told that you need to "shape up", or "assimilate", or "get with the program", or "learn the way we do things around here", you find you simply...cannot do that, even in areas of life you were fine at before, because it is simply exhausting. You don't understand that exhaustion at first, because it might not make sense to you that a trip to your workplace of the same distance as before, eating similar meals at similar times, or working out the same number of hours a week would lead to this level of tiredness.
You learn that your exhaustion comes from needing to disengage the autopilot that had governed all the little things in your life before. Which drawer are the dish towels in? Where does the maintenance team keep the copier toner? How long does it take for the water to get warm in the shower? Do I need a sweater today? What level of formality and vocal inflection should I use when I say hi to the cashier at the café? Where is the best place to buy lemons near me? You answer all these questions without consciously thinking about them.
Your kids have their own autopilot and can do this now, in an age-appropriate way, at their school. But when they change schools, they will lose this, and will need to expend a lot of energy to regain it.
We tell kids a lot that they can determine how successful they are at things if they try hard enough. And we know that it is important to kids to understand that when they are stuck, they can safely ask for help from peers and adults. But after a move and when starting out at a new school, they've got to use these skills much more than they have done before, and that will involve having to navigate how to (or indeed whether to!) ask for needed help without being bullied or criticized for not knowing something "everyone" knows.
With all that in mind, you'll need to budget both their time and your own time to accommodate the much higher number of new interactions they will have to make and succeed at in during their first year, really, at their new school, and how that higher demand will affect the rest of their lives, and the lives of their peers and family.
The demand is real, even if it doesn't seem like it to many adults (including, sadly, too many educators and school staff). If your children attend school from, say, 8 am to 2 pm, then they are engaged in six very full hours of intense interpersonal social interactions, and the only time they may have to themselves all day might be a trip to the bathroom. Their day could be longer than this, too, if they ride to and from school in a carpool, or see friends on the school bus, or go to after-school care until they get picked up. That's a lot of time to spend with other people in situations where you can't really be with your own thoughts, or just daydream, and doing all of that with new people, in a new place, with new rules, is truly tiring.
That tiredness will show up both emotionally and physically in areas that might surprise both you and them. For example, if they have participated in a youth soccer team in town with practice on Wednesday afternoons and games on Saturday mornings, you may find that they simply do not have the desire or energy to do those Wednesday afternoon practices for a while, even if they love soccer, love their fellow players, have enjoyed it up to now, no one from their school now ever participated and a few kids from their new school are on their team.
How does school play into this? You might notice them whining about unfairness on the field more (because they don't have the emotional bandwidth to self-soothe after school anymore), or complaining about their passing technique (which really isn't as adept as it used to be because they are getting less rest because they are worried about school), or mentioning that they're worried the coaches will be mean (because they aren't sure which adults around them are nice anymore because so many new adults are in their life at school) or that their fellow players are all better than them now (because none of them moved and changed schools and so they aren't as tired). So while all of these might seem on the surface like soccer-related problems, they could really be responses to very long and draining days at school.
Whatever happens, I think it's worth letting them know that you are absolutely aware that their days really are more busy and tiring than they've been before even if your kids are just being their normal selves and even if their school is lovely and they are making a lot of friends and love their teachers and everyone is welcoming and nice. They need to understand that it is normal and expected for people to feel mentally tired even if they didn't run around all day or forget to drink enough water, and that doing new things, even things that feel fun and positive in the moment, really can make you tired later on.
A final tip: I've had some success using the fascination kids in elementary school often have with science, nature, animals and the human body to help them understand why people react differently to things, and why I as an adult don't feel things the same way they do. If they tell you they have "zero energy" to go to soccer practice next week, how would they react to hearing a message like "You know, you've talked about being tired a lot lately! I was wondering if you knew that kids and adults think and feel differently because our bodies and brains are different ages. That's why adults can drive cars, have jobs and travel by themselves: we just have a lot more experience doing tiring and stressful things than kids do."? I find that conversations like this work best when you follow up with something actionable, like "What are some things you think we could do after I get home from work and you get home from school that we aren't doing now to help us feel rested and be ready for the next day?", because it shows them that you are invested in your mutual success, that they have a role to play in the family, and that their ideas to solve problems are worth hearing and perhaps experimenting with (and matter to you).
Good luck!
posted by mdonley at 12:10 PM on August 3, 2023 [7 favorites]
I have moved with two children (ages 6 and 2.5 at the time, so maybe a bit younger than yours). What we did:
We always acknowledged it is OK and normal to feel sad. Kids dig in their heels when you try to only focus on how great the New will be, "C'mon guys, what about all the COOL STUFF and the BIG NEW ROOMS at the new house? You'll have so much fun!!" This goes double when the new house is only hypothetical and can't even be pictured yet. Our general stance was it's OK to feel sad, I will feel sad when we leave this house too, but I also know you can handle it and we'll help you.
Take lots of photos of your current house, inside and out, ideally before it starts being staged and set up for sale. Get odd details, like inside closets or what's on the shelves in the basement or how you decorated for Halloween. Let the kids take photos too, you may be surprised at what they decide is worth capturing. Print the photos and put them into an album: Our House on ___ Street, etc. The kids will be able to look at this album whenever they want.
We left a letter, sealed up in a waterproof container and hidden under our back porch. The two previous owners had done the same (one of them a school-age boy in the 1990s). We wrote down what we loved about the house, some of the major personal & historical events that happened while we lived there, and our favorite nearby parks and restaurants.
The timing & geography worked for us, but we enrolled our oldest in the summer camp of our new school district at the start of summer (our new home would be ready in August) so he could start getting acquainted with students and staff in his new district. It was a rocky transition, but I like to think it was easier than having him spend all summer with his old district, only to yank him out and toss him into a new school on the first day of first grade.
The kids helped us pack their toys and belongings, and also each got a "special bag" to pack their most valuable items (stuffed animal, favorite socks, whatever) and carry with them instead of loading them onto the moving van.
We walked through our empty house with the kids, just to help them process it all. (my spouse and I later did a separate walkthrough without them, so we could cry a bit without making the kids worried).
I pulled my kids' sheets and blankets off their beds and did not wash them, and put them as-is on their beds at the new house. I heard somewhere this helps their new room smell familiar. Probably more helpful with little kids. We also prioritized having their rooms up and ready to go ASAP, no sleeping on air mattresses or anything when we moved in.
We didn't really do anything with having the kids pick out new paint for their rooms or decorations or bedspreads. That came later but our focus was to keep their new bedrooms as familiar-feeling as possible. Older school-age kids might be more okay with jumping headfirst into a remodel.
They handled the move to the new house very well, but they do still sometimes announce they miss our old house, even two years later. Then they look through the old photos and reminisce for a bit.
posted by castlebravo at 12:38 PM on August 3, 2023 [2 favorites]
We always acknowledged it is OK and normal to feel sad. Kids dig in their heels when you try to only focus on how great the New will be, "C'mon guys, what about all the COOL STUFF and the BIG NEW ROOMS at the new house? You'll have so much fun!!" This goes double when the new house is only hypothetical and can't even be pictured yet. Our general stance was it's OK to feel sad, I will feel sad when we leave this house too, but I also know you can handle it and we'll help you.
Take lots of photos of your current house, inside and out, ideally before it starts being staged and set up for sale. Get odd details, like inside closets or what's on the shelves in the basement or how you decorated for Halloween. Let the kids take photos too, you may be surprised at what they decide is worth capturing. Print the photos and put them into an album: Our House on ___ Street, etc. The kids will be able to look at this album whenever they want.
We left a letter, sealed up in a waterproof container and hidden under our back porch. The two previous owners had done the same (one of them a school-age boy in the 1990s). We wrote down what we loved about the house, some of the major personal & historical events that happened while we lived there, and our favorite nearby parks and restaurants.
The timing & geography worked for us, but we enrolled our oldest in the summer camp of our new school district at the start of summer (our new home would be ready in August) so he could start getting acquainted with students and staff in his new district. It was a rocky transition, but I like to think it was easier than having him spend all summer with his old district, only to yank him out and toss him into a new school on the first day of first grade.
The kids helped us pack their toys and belongings, and also each got a "special bag" to pack their most valuable items (stuffed animal, favorite socks, whatever) and carry with them instead of loading them onto the moving van.
We walked through our empty house with the kids, just to help them process it all. (my spouse and I later did a separate walkthrough without them, so we could cry a bit without making the kids worried).
I pulled my kids' sheets and blankets off their beds and did not wash them, and put them as-is on their beds at the new house. I heard somewhere this helps their new room smell familiar. Probably more helpful with little kids. We also prioritized having their rooms up and ready to go ASAP, no sleeping on air mattresses or anything when we moved in.
We didn't really do anything with having the kids pick out new paint for their rooms or decorations or bedspreads. That came later but our focus was to keep their new bedrooms as familiar-feeling as possible. Older school-age kids might be more okay with jumping headfirst into a remodel.
They handled the move to the new house very well, but they do still sometimes announce they miss our old house, even two years later. Then they look through the old photos and reminisce for a bit.
posted by castlebravo at 12:38 PM on August 3, 2023 [2 favorites]
My kids were not happy to move - they wanted to keep sharing a room, they wanted their friends close by, and they were not into the part where parents were busy and stressed.
- we told them we were moving for the adults
- it was in town so the move happened while they were at school and we had their favorite babysitter help set up their clothes, bed before they got home and pick them up from school and then help them get to the new place and then do more room set up with them (adults were busy doing other moving stuff). So that by the end of night one they slept in their own beds.
- we told their teachers the situation and warned that there may be quiet or tears or lashing out but that everyone was going to be ok
- we made plans to do things in the old neighborhood (block party and dinner with old neighbors) for the kids to look forward to
- we did fun stuff in the new neighborhood
- we talked about concerns the kids had (for example: parents were not getting a divorce, they would be going to the same school, the route would be different, we reassured everyone that although there may be many different feelings it was all ok)
Good luck
posted by mutt.cyberspace at 2:29 PM on August 3, 2023
- we told them we were moving for the adults
- it was in town so the move happened while they were at school and we had their favorite babysitter help set up their clothes, bed before they got home and pick them up from school and then help them get to the new place and then do more room set up with them (adults were busy doing other moving stuff). So that by the end of night one they slept in their own beds.
- we told their teachers the situation and warned that there may be quiet or tears or lashing out but that everyone was going to be ok
- we made plans to do things in the old neighborhood (block party and dinner with old neighbors) for the kids to look forward to
- we did fun stuff in the new neighborhood
- we talked about concerns the kids had (for example: parents were not getting a divorce, they would be going to the same school, the route would be different, we reassured everyone that although there may be many different feelings it was all ok)
Good luck
posted by mutt.cyberspace at 2:29 PM on August 3, 2023
The only thing I remember when my family moved (my bro and I were 6 and 8 respectively) was getting to run around and explore the huge big house when it was still completely empty. 40 years later and I still have very clear, happy memories of that. So I'll suggest letting them do that.
We were literally moving down the street and around the corner though, stayed in the same school and were actually moving closer to our friends and school, so that probably helped.
posted by cgg at 3:20 PM on August 3, 2023 [1 favorite]
We were literally moving down the street and around the corner though, stayed in the same school and were actually moving closer to our friends and school, so that probably helped.
posted by cgg at 3:20 PM on August 3, 2023 [1 favorite]
We moved when my kids were much younger, but what we did and found to be successful was a transition. The kids went on their summer vacation to stay with Grandma and Grandpa. We took that week and had their rooms and the house all set up and ready. Grandma and Grandpa told them stories about when they moved and how exciting it was. This was a cross country move so it was a big deal. My kids have never mentioned any of their old friends or old neighborhood. Actually, my oldest asked me a question about the house we had in the old city because someone at work said they grew up there.
My two boys each had bunk beds in their rooms even though they had their own rooms. We had them in the old smaller house. So, they would have sleepovers in the beginning. When school started a few weeks later, we actually had to stop the sleepovers because they were mischievous and stayed up way too late giggling and doing whatever little boys do.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 6:43 PM on August 3, 2023
My two boys each had bunk beds in their rooms even though they had their own rooms. We had them in the old smaller house. So, they would have sleepovers in the beginning. When school started a few weeks later, we actually had to stop the sleepovers because they were mischievous and stayed up way too late giggling and doing whatever little boys do.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 6:43 PM on August 3, 2023
My family moved almost every two years while I was growing up. Long distance moves--made it even worse. I quit making best friends because...gee...I would never see them again. It wasn't until I was a adult that I started making good friends. I am an introvert and I believe all the moving made me a super introvert. On the other hand, I am very independent...I can go to restaurants and movies alone, I know how to entertain myself if that's what is needed. I have a handful of besties now...and they live far away and nearby.
The one thing I know I learned is that people are pretty much the same everywhere. Good people. Bad people. The culture may change (it does in long-distance moves) but that's an opportunity to explore.
I moved--long distance--when my kids were 3 and 8. They love where we live now. It could be that it was early enough not to bother them/hurt them. It was harder for me...they connected with other children in school and preschool. Finding new adult friends was sooooo hard.
Good luck with your move.
posted by byjingo! at 7:56 AM on August 4, 2023
The one thing I know I learned is that people are pretty much the same everywhere. Good people. Bad people. The culture may change (it does in long-distance moves) but that's an opportunity to explore.
I moved--long distance--when my kids were 3 and 8. They love where we live now. It could be that it was early enough not to bother them/hurt them. It was harder for me...they connected with other children in school and preschool. Finding new adult friends was sooooo hard.
Good luck with your move.
posted by byjingo! at 7:56 AM on August 4, 2023
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posted by jacquilynne at 7:55 AM on August 3, 2023 [12 favorites]