How to promote stability for a toddler in times of change?
March 4, 2015 12:35 PM Subscribe
Our lives are crazy right now, and we have a few moves and big changes coming up. How can I make this easier on my small toddler?
We have a few big changes coming up in our lives -- we'll be travelling a lot over the next six months, and living in a few different apartments in a few different countries!
It's really exciting for us, but I'm worried it will be crazy disruptive for our daughter (who hasn't had a ton of stability in her life, anyway, since we had to move shortly after she was born.) The one stability in her life besides her parents has been the wonderful woman who runs a small in-home daycare and takes care of her two days a week, and sadly, she will be leaving her for six months.
On the pluses, she'll have both of her parents nearly full-time, and we'll take care of her most of the time. We also will have to cobble together some childcare from other sources occasionally. We'll have a few of her favorite toys and books and clothes.
Anything else we can do to make things as stable and happy for her as possible while her environment changes around her?
We have a few big changes coming up in our lives -- we'll be travelling a lot over the next six months, and living in a few different apartments in a few different countries!
It's really exciting for us, but I'm worried it will be crazy disruptive for our daughter (who hasn't had a ton of stability in her life, anyway, since we had to move shortly after she was born.) The one stability in her life besides her parents has been the wonderful woman who runs a small in-home daycare and takes care of her two days a week, and sadly, she will be leaving her for six months.
On the pluses, she'll have both of her parents nearly full-time, and we'll take care of her most of the time. We also will have to cobble together some childcare from other sources occasionally. We'll have a few of her favorite toys and books and clothes.
Anything else we can do to make things as stable and happy for her as possible while her environment changes around her?
If she has a small "lovey" have a spare. Ideally, have a few that she knows are different and can rotate.
posted by Buttons Bellbottom at 12:41 PM on March 4, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Buttons Bellbottom at 12:41 PM on March 4, 2015 [2 favorites]
Not sure if this will help, but I have a friend that uses this strategy for a toddler who gets anxious with unpredictability, but at the end of the day usually enjoys outings to new places.
So what they would do if there son was in the same predicament, pick a few books about the new place (with pictures of exciting things that one will see or experience). So here we see the patisserie; we will go there next month, and you and (whichever parents will go) will get to see this. Won't it be fun? You can introduce language phrases, stories, whatever it is that makes it fun and exciting.
Then you will go to those places and you can point out the same things that were seen in the book/story/pictures/etc. See, there is the dinosaur. Remember that from the book?
As you move along from country to country, place to place, you can continue using a book before you get to the new place and point out kid friendly things.
Don't know if this one will benefit your toddler or other relatives of the toddler, but quite a few friends use Skype and put their toddler in front of it to see and hear the person. It might help if you think your child will miss particular people.
posted by Wolfster at 12:54 PM on March 4, 2015 [4 favorites]
So what they would do if there son was in the same predicament, pick a few books about the new place (with pictures of exciting things that one will see or experience). So here we see the patisserie; we will go there next month, and you and (whichever parents will go) will get to see this. Won't it be fun? You can introduce language phrases, stories, whatever it is that makes it fun and exciting.
Then you will go to those places and you can point out the same things that were seen in the book/story/pictures/etc. See, there is the dinosaur. Remember that from the book?
As you move along from country to country, place to place, you can continue using a book before you get to the new place and point out kid friendly things.
Don't know if this one will benefit your toddler or other relatives of the toddler, but quite a few friends use Skype and put their toddler in front of it to see and hear the person. It might help if you think your child will miss particular people.
posted by Wolfster at 12:54 PM on March 4, 2015 [4 favorites]
Make up a small book filled with photos of the childcare lady she likes, stuff around your hometown she likes, pictures of your home or relatives or whatever. They key is to make this your child's book -- meaning, if she wants to draw on it or bang it up or cover it with stickers or whatever, she can. You can do this with a small photo album or scrapbook, or cobble together pages on your own and have them bound (it's cheap) at Kinko's. Talk explicitly about when you will be back to your old city -- "In November!" or whatever it is -- even if your daughter doesn't totally understand what that means, it emphasizes that you will all be back to your home base at some point.
posted by BlahLaLa at 1:03 PM on March 4, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by BlahLaLa at 1:03 PM on March 4, 2015 [2 favorites]
How old is she? This may not work if she's too young, but...
We were a missionary family, and one thing my mother employed during moves/long travels/new circumstances was "Toy of The Day."
She just went to the dollar store and bought a seeming metric ton of cheap (but new to me!) toys and some wrapping paper.
She'd wrap 30ish of them up at the beginning of every month and mete them out once a day, at the same time every day.
It really gave me something to look forward to, even if I was upset about tomorrow's uncertainty. And it gave me something to measure time against, beyond "Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner," or "Bedtime."
posted by functionequalsform at 1:17 PM on March 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
We were a missionary family, and one thing my mother employed during moves/long travels/new circumstances was "Toy of The Day."
She just went to the dollar store and bought a seeming metric ton of cheap (but new to me!) toys and some wrapping paper.
She'd wrap 30ish of them up at the beginning of every month and mete them out once a day, at the same time every day.
It really gave me something to look forward to, even if I was upset about tomorrow's uncertainty. And it gave me something to measure time against, beyond "Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner," or "Bedtime."
posted by functionequalsform at 1:17 PM on March 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
Take the time to have relaxed, open-ended conversations with her about what's happening and about how she feels about it. She might not have the "feeling words" she needs yet, so you can introduce them. Some feelings will be good - new, exciting! - some will be bad - scary, worried :-( - all can be talked about in a calm, comfortable way that makes her feel safe.
Do this every day.
posted by clawsoon at 1:25 PM on March 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
Do this every day.
posted by clawsoon at 1:25 PM on March 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
You, the parents, are the stability. Not the house or other environmental factors. You.
Live your damn lives, do what you have to do, treat your child like you always do. Don't make this shit "special" unless you are deliberately trying to raise a fragile child who can't cope with change. So act like this is a normal part of life, because it is.
The kid will pick up on that, I promise.
posted by trinity8-director at 1:25 PM on March 4, 2015 [13 favorites]
Live your damn lives, do what you have to do, treat your child like you always do. Don't make this shit "special" unless you are deliberately trying to raise a fragile child who can't cope with change. So act like this is a normal part of life, because it is.
The kid will pick up on that, I promise.
posted by trinity8-director at 1:25 PM on March 4, 2015 [13 favorites]
I see that your child is only about a year old. At that age their sense of security is much less about their surroundings and more about the people around them. We just moved cross-country to a new city and my 15-month-old barely even noticed, because his day-to-day routines didn't change that much and he really enjoyed going to new places with mommy and daddy and doing new things (he did have a little separation anxiety when a parent left for a while). My 4-year-old, on the other hand, took several weeks to adjust (although on the whole I would say he also has had a pretty easy time). Maintaining a stable daily routine and minimizing disruptions seems to be the key.
posted by The Elusive Architeuthis at 1:27 PM on March 4, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by The Elusive Architeuthis at 1:27 PM on March 4, 2015 [4 favorites]
Great that you are being so considerate of your child's feelings. My suggestions are : 1. A few favourite CDs (or iPod with fave music). It could be kids music like Raffi, or just pleasant music (U2, anything from Putomayo). 2. A white noise machine to block out unfamiliar sounds while sleeping. 3. Don't act apologetic; baby may pick up on your anxiety. You can be excited about the change.s; what a wonderful opportunity you are providing! 4. Take lots of photos that you can show later. Bon voyage
posted by leslievictoria at 4:41 PM on March 4, 2015
posted by leslievictoria at 4:41 PM on March 4, 2015
When our son was 1, we decided to move from Canada to the UK. For the next 6 months he experienced:
-Change from a part-time daycare centre to full-time in-home daycare (we'd made that change just after I returned to work from Mat leave, but a couple weeks before we decided to move)
-Change from the in-home daycare to being cared for by his grandparents
-House move from our condo to my parents' home for 3 months
-6-week temporary accommodation in the UK
-New house in the UK with basically no furniture for a month (our shipment was late)
-The departure and return of our family pet, as she stayed with relatives until we had a stable house in the UK
None of this phased him in the slightest. He's now a very happy 4-year-old, and I'd argue that it made him even more resilient. For example, because of some bad luck having houses sold out from under us, we haven't been able to maintain a tenancy for more than a year. We've ended up moving over the summers. Just the other day we mentioned something happening "in the summer" and he asked "will that be in our new house?" Bless him, the kid has just internalised that we are a family that moves house every summer. (For the record, we are finally NOT moving this summer.)
Your child has you - she will be fine.
posted by jennyweed at 4:52 AM on March 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
-Change from a part-time daycare centre to full-time in-home daycare (we'd made that change just after I returned to work from Mat leave, but a couple weeks before we decided to move)
-Change from the in-home daycare to being cared for by his grandparents
-House move from our condo to my parents' home for 3 months
-6-week temporary accommodation in the UK
-New house in the UK with basically no furniture for a month (our shipment was late)
-The departure and return of our family pet, as she stayed with relatives until we had a stable house in the UK
None of this phased him in the slightest. He's now a very happy 4-year-old, and I'd argue that it made him even more resilient. For example, because of some bad luck having houses sold out from under us, we haven't been able to maintain a tenancy for more than a year. We've ended up moving over the summers. Just the other day we mentioned something happening "in the summer" and he asked "will that be in our new house?" Bless him, the kid has just internalised that we are a family that moves house every summer. (For the record, we are finally NOT moving this summer.)
Your child has you - she will be fine.
posted by jennyweed at 4:52 AM on March 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
In the 1 year from when my daughter turned 1 to when she turned 2, she spent a month in New Zealand, 5 months in our previous house, 3 months in my parents' house, and 3 months in our new house. She was unfazed by any of the moves. I just make sure to always have the same bedtime things for her and to try to use the same nap schedule and bedtime routine regardless of whether I'm putting her for nap into a pack and play at a rented condo somewhere or taking her for her evening 'bath' at the shower at a public swimming pool.
"Jamas", story time (with favorite familiar books), the usual bedtime "friends" (stuffed animals), white noise (from iPad or cell phone app if needed), and pacifier, and she'll lie down wherever, in whatever time zone, and go to sleep. I do think this is child dependent, our child is very go-with-the-flow, but I don't think there is any other secret you can use. We do like to Skype or Google Hangout with grandparents during dinner, too - it's helpful to do it while toddler is a captive audience in a high chair.
It also helps to warn her about what is going to happen if it's something she might not be thrilled about. "All done toothbrush!" "NO!" "OK, we'll count to ten and then all done toothbrush. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10! All done!" "OK! Thank you!" And be consistent. If you always mean what you say, stuff like that won't turn into protracted tantrum time. I know some kids are tough with prolonging bedtime in various ways - mine knows that it's always 3 books and done, but almost every night, tries to ask for a 4th one. We just briskly say "Nope, not now! All done books, we'll read that book tomorrow!" And she'll cheerfully head to bed.
I think you will have to be the most careful about the 'other childcare' situation, like taking her several times to play with a parent there to get used to it before you leave her in the new childcare situation. A new situation without a parent present is a whole other ballgame for kids this age and she might have a really hard time with it.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 8:11 PM on March 5, 2015
"Jamas", story time (with favorite familiar books), the usual bedtime "friends" (stuffed animals), white noise (from iPad or cell phone app if needed), and pacifier, and she'll lie down wherever, in whatever time zone, and go to sleep. I do think this is child dependent, our child is very go-with-the-flow, but I don't think there is any other secret you can use. We do like to Skype or Google Hangout with grandparents during dinner, too - it's helpful to do it while toddler is a captive audience in a high chair.
It also helps to warn her about what is going to happen if it's something she might not be thrilled about. "All done toothbrush!" "NO!" "OK, we'll count to ten and then all done toothbrush. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10! All done!" "OK! Thank you!" And be consistent. If you always mean what you say, stuff like that won't turn into protracted tantrum time. I know some kids are tough with prolonging bedtime in various ways - mine knows that it's always 3 books and done, but almost every night, tries to ask for a 4th one. We just briskly say "Nope, not now! All done books, we'll read that book tomorrow!" And she'll cheerfully head to bed.
I think you will have to be the most careful about the 'other childcare' situation, like taking her several times to play with a parent there to get used to it before you leave her in the new childcare situation. A new situation without a parent present is a whole other ballgame for kids this age and she might have a really hard time with it.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 8:11 PM on March 5, 2015
For kids this age, it helps to keep as many sensory things the same as possible when transitioning, since you can't really help by using words. For instance, think about how you can replicate smells and sounds in the new environment to make it more reassuring and familiar. The same lullaby cd every night, perhaps; the same laundry detergent everywhere so mama and his sheets always smell the same. If he has a favorite food, bring some of that with you if possible. I find if you keep some small things (and obviously this includes daily routines) the same, kids can cope easily with bigger changes. (These are strategies I used when transitioning nonverbal kids between homes in foster care or adoption-obviously it's light years easier for kids to move when their parents go with them!)
posted by purenitrous at 8:39 AM on March 7, 2015
posted by purenitrous at 8:39 AM on March 7, 2015
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posted by wyzewoman at 12:37 PM on March 4, 2015 [11 favorites]