How do "morning people" manage to have sex at night?

July 17, 2023 7:35 AM

I'm a natural early bird, which also means I'm just exhausted by bedtime, and very, very ready for sleep. My partner is the opposite. Till recently, our sex life almost entirely took place on weekend afternoons. Because of various life obligations, we've mostly lost this time. I desperately need to be able to have good sex at night. How?

Till recently, it's been 'fine' that our chronotypes didn't line up well for sex; we'd generally have all our sex in afternoons, typically on weekends. Recently, our lives and obligations have shifted and our weekend daytimes are less flexible - which has basically erased our sex life. This is... bad.

Before I go into details: Please do not respond with suggestions about how to fit sex into other parts of our day, or find more free time in other parts of our day. Please assume we've done that as much as possible and we're really left with "we gotta be able to have more sex at night."

Some specifics that may be relevant:

* The changes to our lives impact the time we have available, but aren't a huge impact on either of our interest in intimacy or sex otherwise. We both want to be having a lot more sex; the challenge is about energy level and logistics, not interest.
* Morning sex, even on a weekend, is a complete non-option. My partner is slow to wake and due to some health issues does not feel well first thing in the morning before they've had a chance to take meds (which then take time to kick in). This is not a huge problem for much of our lives, but is incompatible with early-morning wakeup sex (which I'd be very happy to have).
* By 9:30pm or so, I'm starting to get pretty tired. This is, aside from sex, great! I can groggily take care of some basic chores (feed pets, set up coffee for tomorrow, etc) but my body very naturally starts gliding toward sleep.
* My partner tends to stay up much later (and, when possible, sleeps in much later) than I do.
* As a data point, on an ideal weekend with no obligations, it's not atypical for me to be asleep by 10:30 and awake at 6:30. I might sleep in till 7 but that's 'late' for me. They, however, will rarely wake before 8, sometimes 9, and often stay up till midnight if they have the option.
* When I exercise regularly, I have a lot more energy overall, and feel better overall... but also I start feeling sleepy and tired even sooner, and then I sleep better. This is really starting to screw up my relationship to exercise and sleep, because if I'm in a place to feel rested for the next day, it prevents us from being intimate.

I've spoken to doctors; there's absolutely nothing wrong with my testosterone levels, etc. I have a solid energy level through the day - the issue is that it falls off very fast at night in ways not compatible with sex.

So, what works for you or your relationships for this kind of mismatch? How do you keep your sex life moving when you (mostly) can't have sex during the day but you're tired at night? Isn't this a pretty standard problem for parents to have, not having any good options during the day - and if so, how the heck do you actually manage to have the *energy* for sex at night?

posted by to sockpuppet, perchance to dream to Human Relations (30 answers total)

Response by poster: I should probably have also mentioned that I don't take much caffeine (typically a cup of coffee once a morning) and rarely drink alcohol.
posted by to sockpuppet, perchance to dream at 7:41 AM on July 17, 2023

Would either caffeine or non-exhausting exercise before bed be an option? Is it okay if you plan earlier in the evening to have sex that night?

Are changes to foreplay a possibility? Either more or less of it might energize you.
posted by michaelh at 7:49 AM on July 17, 2023

Sorry if this is obvious, but what's wrong with 8:30pm? Still night, but before you start to crash.

(Edit: oops, I see Rock 'em Sock 'em beat me to the punch)
posted by coffeecat at 7:56 AM on July 17, 2023 [2 favorites]

Response by poster: At the risk of thread sitting and reflexively rejection suggestions: Much earlier in the evening and we're dealing with other chores, making/eating/digesting dinner, etc, and often our other obligations spill into early evening as well. In reality, squeezing sex into other parts of our evening is something we're working on. I would really prefer to keep this question very narrowly focused, because I'm very aware that many couples have sex exclusively right before bed, and I'd like to better understand how they make that possible.
posted by to sockpuppet, perchance to dream at 8:06 AM on July 17, 2023

Make bedtime earlier. Coffee can be made in the morning, pets trained to eat at dinner time. Accept bad sex, sometimes it’s enough to just have it. Schedule overnight dates or weekends away to compensate.
posted by shock muppet at 8:10 AM on July 17, 2023 [10 favorites]

Short naps? You could play around with the timing.
Are there chores or other activities you can move to the morning hour to leave yourself a bit more time and energy at night?
posted by trig at 8:12 AM on July 17, 2023

Have sex somewhere other than your bed, eg blanket on floor in front of TV (can use something on TV to help get in mood) or fireplace. You have a strong bed=sleep reflex, which is great for your sleep hygiene and frankly not something to take lightly, so do sex elsewhere.
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:21 AM on July 17, 2023 [16 favorites]

You guys sound just like us. My partner stays up a bit later than he'd like and I go to bed a bit earlier than I'd like, honestly! He powernaps strategically after dinner and on weekends (some call this "falling asleep on the couch"). Ideally we'd have the children sorted and be ready for bed ourselves by 9pm, since he gets up before 5am.

If you can meet in the middle that's obviously nicest, but when that's not possible, the partner who stays up later has to put some time aside to join the earlier-sleeping one. I do need to be better at this, full disclosure, but things that take me a long time to do (eg showering) have to be done earlier or wait until after.

My partner likes when I'm in the bed while he's sleeping (which I don't mind and is very sweet) so I often spend a few hours awake in bed, mainly reading, internet-ing, dealing with emails, doing puzzles, etc. If/when I get better organized, this is a good time for most any task that can be done quietly on a phone or small laptop. He's not bothered by a little light from my screen, which I keep dim. I do sometimes get up after he's asleep for snacks, but he doesn't need to know that!

Things that could make this setup comfortable for both partners include an eye mask for the sleeper and a pillow backrest and good earbuds for the night owl. We also have one of those foam mattresses that don't seem to transmit too much movement which might help.

On preview, and to summarize, we have sex exclusively right before bed by being more broad about what "going to bed" means!
posted by Baethan at 8:22 AM on July 17, 2023 [1 favorite]

I'm very aware that many couples have sex exclusively right before bed, and I'd like to better understand how they make that possible.

I am really not sure what kind of advice you're looking for here. The main way other couples make that possible is that they aren't tired and don't go to bed early just generally, and this is their overall natural inclination. And a lot of people just go a super long time without having sex. If you're ruling out literally all other scheduling solutions (I realize you're not actually, but you don't want us to tell you about them) then the only option is: find a way to be more awake. Caffeine, stimulants, naps, late exercise, whatever it is that works.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 8:42 AM on July 17, 2023 [12 favorites]

I guess I’m confused at why chores are more important than sex if you want to have more sex. You won’t get in trouble if you don’t do the dishes a couple nights a week or whatever.
posted by jeweled accumulation at 8:53 AM on July 17, 2023 [62 favorites]

Pick a night like Friday to order pizza or do a very simple meal (we do a kind of charcuterie/cheese/veggie tray/fruit tray or Mediterranean dips and bread and pre-made salad type thing sometimes), skip chores, and then make that your Sexy Fun Time night. You could have two. We used to order pizza and put our kids to bed early on Fridays - we’d run them around extra while waiting for it.

I think your issue is you’re trying to optimize all the days?
posted by warriorqueen at 9:05 AM on July 17, 2023 [23 favorites]

Have a night or two a week where you skip chores and go to bed together earlier (9ish) for sexytimes. Your partner can get out of bed afterwards for night owl activities while you sleep. Would something like this work?
posted by emd3737 at 9:23 AM on July 17, 2023 [15 favorites]

Meal prep in advance?
posted by cotton dress sock at 9:30 AM on July 17, 2023 [1 favorite]

I guess we are a couple that mostly has sex right before bed, and the answer is we have pretty sleepy sex. It's not athletic, we don't always orgasm, it's fine. The one who likes to stay up a bit later cuddles for a few minutes after cleanup then gets up.

I'm a big proponent of scheduling sex as well. Pick which day you are generally least busy/feeling the best and put that day as date night on your calendar. Leave the dishes in the sink, have an easy meal, save some time and energy. When you have busy lives, the unscheduled is unprioritized.
posted by muddgirl at 9:40 AM on July 17, 2023 [4 favorites]

What worked for me in the past was the last person going to bed woke up the sleeping person for middle of the night sex.(Obv. this was discussed and consented to previously)
posted by Space Kitty at 9:45 AM on July 17, 2023 [6 favorites]

Okay apologies for taking this to questions, but is there any possibility of having the other partner take on more of the work of this sex timing? This is what I’ve done in the past - partner starts taking a more active role until the sex itself fires all my adrenaline and gets me much more actively participatory.
posted by corb at 9:47 AM on July 17, 2023 [2 favorites]

We have a mismatch of natural bedtimes, these days. The way we handle it is that the later-rising partner always gets into bed when the early-rising partner does, every single night, a few minutes later than the early riser might otherwise prefer, for at least cuddles and back rubs. After the early riser is asleep, the other one gets up and does a few other things before going to bed for the night two or three hours later.
posted by metonym at 10:22 AM on July 17, 2023 [1 favorite]

I definitely agree with the suggestions to decide which days are going to work best and schedule based on that. Scheduling is really helpful for trying to make it happen, even if it doesn't happen 100% of those times. And I also agree with the suggestions to evaluate if chores are always more important than sex.

But given the constraint of making it happen at bedtime - creating desire and anticipation ahead of time (smooches, sexy text messages, dirty talk) could be helpful. Then when you're tired and in bed, you're not starting from zero, and maybe will be a bit more motivated to stay awake for sex?
posted by loop at 11:02 AM on July 17, 2023 [3 favorites]

Re: the tiredness being a problem, I guess I assumed in my comment above that you'd simply "go to bed" a little while before you're asleep on your feet.

It's occurred to me that we all may have rather different definitions of tiredness & what it means to be "too tired" for sex (not to mention that "good sex" could mean a huge variety of things). Not saying you should tell all, but thinking about what specific problems you're encountering might point you to solutions or workarounds.
posted by Baethan at 11:29 AM on July 17, 2023 [2 favorites]

If you're dead set on before bed, you (as a couple) could find a way to build sexual tension and over the course of the evening so that when you're free from your obligations, the drive for sex is there. You might still be tired but you'll be a little more excited.

I agree, though, that if you want to prioritize evening sex, you're going to have to reprioritize evening something else. Or maybe your night owl partner can take you to bed and then get up to finish the evening chores.

If you're able to shift your evening around a little, the best time to have sex is before dinner.
posted by meemzi at 11:48 AM on July 17, 2023 [5 favorites]

Would a shower before bed wake you up?
posted by BlueHorse at 11:51 AM on July 17, 2023

Do you guys ever wake up in the middle of the night?

If not, I personally believe it is possible to train oneself to do this. Segmented sleep (sleep, say, four hours, wake for one hour, sleep four hours) used to be the norm, pre-electricity. This was a prime time for meditation, reading, writing...and, yes, sex.

In the past, I have successfully induced this sleep schedule in myself (without specifically trying to get this result, but it just happened). You will need to set aside an "excessive" amount of sleeping time, let's say 9.5 hours at minimum, and also cut off electronics around 2-3 hours in advance. When using electronics in general, they should have anti-blue-light settings on as soon as dimness sets in outside.

I know this one is out there, but if your parameters are so inflexible during the day, maybe it's time to get really creative.
posted by desert outpost at 11:58 AM on July 17, 2023 [1 favorite]

It's perfectly fine to have sex in the evening just before the one of you who needs to sleep goes to sleep. Meet in bed at 9 pm, have fun, then you roll over and snooze while your partner goes on to do other things.
posted by Ink-stained wretch at 12:05 PM on July 17, 2023 [2 favorites]

I'm here to say try a cat nap.
posted by creiszhanson at 1:38 PM on July 17, 2023

I think sex is too often defined as "dude having an orgasm via penis into orifice"

That said, here are my thoughts:
If you cannot get an erection (or otherwise turned on) when tired, maybe you can do things to your partner that will make them feel great? When you feel a "need" for sexual release, there is masturbation if your partner is not able to participate.

In my case, I was the stay up late person, and my partner would go to sleep earlier. (Due to work schedules and commutes, this eventually reversed.) What worked for us was having sex in the middle of the night, after we both had been asleep for a few hours. One of us would wake up and start stroking or whatever. Started slow and gentle then we would rev up. Pretty awesome.

Good luck.
posted by rhonzo at 1:49 PM on July 17, 2023 [2 favorites]

When I was in this situation we had quickies at night which demanded minimal time and energy. (We found other times to have better sex.)
posted by metasarah at 3:56 PM on July 17, 2023 [2 favorites]

My partner and I are both early birds, much earlier than you - we're up at 5am and in bed by 8:30. Unfortunately we have a young child who is also up early so we have no good morning options either.

The only thing that has worked for us, and I say this with total seriousness: takeout, and skip the chores. Your relationship is more important than dishes.
posted by epanalepsis at 5:34 PM on July 17, 2023 [11 favorites]

I would really prefer to keep this question very narrowly focused, because I'm very aware that many couples have sex exclusively right before bed, and I'd like to better understand how they make that possible.

This topic is taboo for entirely bullshit reasons but - agree on a schedule each week that matches the frequency that you are both looking for. This is how basically any priority activity will actually happen - you intentionally create space in your life for it and stop waiting for the right set of circumstances to align for it to magically happen.

Sex happens at 9:00 on Monday, Wednesday and Friday nights. 8:30 if you can't finish before you're too tired. Move it around each week so you don't feel like the schedule is rigidly getting in the way of other things. This gives you 4 nights a week to do chores, work out, see friends, and/or catch up on sleep if sex nights end up keeping you awake longer than you would like.

Another thing I find useful is realizing that being too tired has generally only been an issue up to the point where I get aroused. I've woken up in the middle of the night when I'm half asleep and had sex. The body will generate alertness to get after it because it wants it. It's a bit like deciding to jump into a cool lake - once you are in the water, you realize that all the worry about the discomfort was a bit overblown. Try reminding yourself that your relationship is worth being a little tired over.

Finally - it is worthwhile adding things to speed sex up when you need it. I added a vibrating cock ring to our repertoire that my wife really likes and we can now get a myriad of orgasms within 10 minutes of penetration - down from maybe 30 or so without it.
posted by openhearted at 6:43 AM on July 18, 2023 [1 favorite]

Testosterone levels are highest shortly before dawn. Sex is likely to be at its best at that hour and orgasms easiest. Go to bed earlier, make them stay up later and wake you up when they come to bed. Aim for sex at five AM, kiss them goodnight and get out of bed and go watch the sun rise.
posted by Jane the Brown at 11:21 AM on July 19, 2023

My wife and I mutually reserve the right to (playfully!) demand a "reverse date" any evening that it isn't too inconvenient – that is, a relatively quick but fun fuck after work but before either cooking or going out for dinner. Once the reverse date has been declared, the whole afternoon gets libidinized – by the time we see each other after work we're pretty hot. And then dinner is all afterglow, and pretty romantic for 10-year marrieds in our 50s.

And, if you're a penis-having partner in this relationship, go ahead and let your doctor prescribe you an erectile pill. Even if you're not dysfunctional in that regard, it can turn evenings you almost had sex into nights you had a lot of it.
posted by Now I'm Prune Tracy! at 7:01 PM on July 19, 2023 [1 favorite]